Weird

It's December 22.

Last year, I was 37 weeks pregnant, retiring from most regular daily activities, waddling everywhere I went, unable to jam my feet into almost any of my shoes. I was pregnant.

Two years ago, I had just found out, nine weeks into my second pregnancy, that no fetus had developed. A sad sack on the couch, I awaited my scheduled D&C the next day to remove the "products of conception." I was pregnant. . .technically.

Three years ago, if I had taken a pregnancy test, it would have been positive. I was about four weeks pregnant with my first baby, a little fighter my inhospitable womb would eventually starve to death and expel. I was pregnant, but I didn't know it yet.

I don't feel like I've spent most of my marriage pregnant or anything, but three times in just over two years is technically quite often. And it only recently occurred to me that I was pregnant this time of year three years in a row. At almost one year, this is the longest stretch of my marriage that I've gone not-pregnant. That's kind of amazing!

Everything is amazing and weird. And I am so, so profound.

As for this year? Looks like I'm breaking my streak. ;)

New Year's Survey

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Got pregnant...twice and miscarried...twice.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I ever really made any. Not any that I remember, anyway. And I resolve to lose weight, but the timing of that resolution has more to do with my second miscarriage than with the new year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My SIL.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no (other than my two babies). My great aunt died, but I hadn't seen her in quite a few years.

5. What countries did you visit?
I went to Spain in the spring.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Hmmm... well, a baby would be nice! Not sure how likely it is that I will actually have a baby in 2009. I'd also like a house of my own.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory?
February 13, miscarriage #1. June 27, septum resection surgery. December 22, miscarriage #2.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I really don't feel like I achieved much that was noteworthy. My forced answer would be that I helped direct my church's school's junior high musical, Godspell Jr., and it was a pretty awesome production. I also pulled off a pretty fun Halloween recital for my piano students.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to carry my children to term.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Besides infertility, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets to Spain. I can't think of anything else because I'm kind of stoked about this moss agate ring I bought at an antique store today.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Erich's for always being by my side and supporting me above and beyond through every challenge. My mom's for always being available to me. My entire family, for that matter. I'm proud of how my brother has started to live up to his potential.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The mainstream media's. They suck.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Thanks to insurance, not too much toward my three surgeries. So, savings, I guess.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A remodeled uterus! Getting pregnant for the second time!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Viva la Vida by Coldplay:



17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? SADDER
ii. thinner or fatter? FATTER
iii. richer or poorer? Richer based on savings and salary only.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Taking care of myself and my health (i.e. not getting fatter).

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pondering the day-to-day activities of my ovaries.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve consisted of wallowing, then a little shopping, then church, which was fantastic. Christmas day Erich and I were alone for the bulk of the day, mainly wallowing. We had dinner with my parents and brother and his girlfriend. Day after Christmas we celebrated with my entire family and family friends. Sunday after Christmas we celebrated in Evansville with Erich's family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Again and again with my husband. (Aaaawwwwww....)

23. How many one-night stands?
SNORT. This question implies that there must have been at least one! Haha, none, you silly survey.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office, 30 Rock, and Lost. Oh, and HGTV programs like House Hunters and My House is Worth What?

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah. In fact, hate levels have probably gone down on all fronts, though I should note I can't really think of anyone I hate.

26. What was the best book you read?
Impossible to choose. I finally read all of the Chronicles of Narnia, which is a wonderful series. I liked The Other Boleyn Girl and hope to read Phillipa Gregory's other books. I'm enjoying the pop candy that is the Twilight series. I can't really remember what I read before I started cataloging my read books at goodreads.com.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Piano Adventures is pretty much the best piano method out there.

28. What did you want and get?
A normal uterus. Some knitting skillz. Affirmation.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I could probably count on one hand the number of new movies I saw this year. I like Mamma Mia. That's seriously the only one I can remember seeing this year. House savings and our large and mainly unwatched home DVD collection generally trump seeing movies in a theater for $9.50 per ticket.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I think I did nothing on my birthday, though I'm sure Erich and I went out to dinner or something at some point. I turned 25. I feel much older than that, to be honest.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Oh man, I'm going to have to keep bringing up my babies. I sure would have like to have had a baby in August like I was supposed to!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
"hide the fat"

34. What kept you sane?
Coloring books and blogging, and of course, my fabulous husband

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barack Obama. He makes my dreams come true... NOT. I'm past the stage in my life where I form personal attachments to people I don't know.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Abortion. Given my history with [NOT elective] abortion and having my attitudes and opinions sharpened by Issues, Etc., this issue became very important to me this year.

37. Who did you miss?
My first baby. (Again with the dead babies. Sorry if this is getting monotonous/depressing.)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My six-month-old niece, Emily. She's the only new person I can think of, and she's cool.

ETA: And my brother's new girlfriend, Sam! I hope someday she'll be more than that. I don't want to jinx it, so I'll just say that it rhymes with "blister-bin-blaw."

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Being pregnant and having a baby are two COMPLETELY different things. At least for some people.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your whole year:

I never in a million years would have expected to become a Jordin Sparks fan, but I found myself listening to the words of this song on the radio and found that it really applied to me and my whole situation this year. Here's the YouTube link (embedding disabled, boo) and the lyrics:

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste, but you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient, waiting
We live and we learn

To take one step at a time; there's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen
That we find the reasons why, one step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused and got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours if they only knew

(...)

When you can't wait any longer,
But there's no end in sight
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way we get there is one step at a time

Take one step at a time, there's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen
That we find the reasons why, one step at a time

2008

I'm going to call it: Christmas cards just aren't going to happen this year. I was still holding out hope, but the time has passed. I had already decided not to do a letter, because Christmas letters should be uplifting and not dwell on problems. Yet, when I think about 2008, it's hard not to dwell on the negative. So today, on the eve of our Savior's birth, I present to you the letter that sums up our year, but which I would never actually put in the mail.

Dearest Friends and Family,

2008 and both sucked and blew, to paraphrase Bart Simpson. We experienced joys and sorrows and are setting our hopes on a better 2009.

In early January I found out I was pregnant! Erich and I were so excited and started making plans. I had an ultrasound and we saw our little 9-week baby and its little beating heart. In February, I went in for another ultrasound at what would have been 12 weeks gestation and discovered that our baby had passed away. After five days of bleeding, I had a painful D&C and learned that there was something wrong with my uterus that most likely caused my miscarriage. That SUCKED.

In late March, I got to travel with Erich to the Basque Country of Spain, where he had work and training at his company's headquarters. I enjoyed that trip immensely, and I learned so much about Basque culture and took many pictures. This was a HIGHLIGHT.

In April, I finally had two tests to follow-up with my abnormal uterus. They were both uncomfortable and wasted time and returned ultimately inaccurate diagnoses. That totally BLEW.

In May I finally visited with a specialist, but had to wait till June to accomplish anything. That kinda SUCKED. At the end of May a dear friend of mine got married and I was a bridesmaid. This was a HIGHLIGHT.

June was the best month of the year. Erich and I joined his family from Evansville in a trip to Galena, IL. Another set of good friends got married, our niece and goddaughter Emily was born, and I finally got a diagnosis: uterine septum. Not only was I thrilled to finally have a definitive diagnosis, but I also was able to have it surgically repaired that same week. That ROCKED.

July was uneventful, as was August, except when I remembered the date when my first baby should have been born. That SUCKED.

In September, Erich and I celebrated our first anniversary, though it feels like we've been married longer--in a good way.

In October, our beloved Cubbies completely screwed the pooch and instead of winning the World Series like they were supposed to, they were swept in the first round of the play-offs. That BLEW. On one of the nights they lost, my car wouldn't start while Erich was out of town, and I had to have it towed. That also BLEW. On the last day of October, Erich and I hosted a Halloween party. It was a great success! That was a HIGHLIGHT.

In early November, the election took place. Remember that? Yeah, I know a lot of people were happy, but in my book, that totally SUCKED. But November got better: on the 9-monthiversary of my miscarriage, I learned that I was pregnant again! That ROCKED. We also enjoyed Thanksgiving with Erich's extended family, which was a HIGHLIGHT.

December has arrived in all its craziness. Erich traveled to Louisville for a friend's wedding. We both traveled to Michigan to spend time with my extended family for Christmas. Our drive home was treacherous with heavy snow and many accidents on the road. We eventually stopped in Valparaiso, IN for the night. We had to get up early to drive home to get to my first ultrasound in time. On the day I should have been just past nine weeks, we should have seen a little baby with a heartbeat. Instead, we saw an empty gestational sac measuring six weeks. Diagnosis: blighted ovum, most likely a chromosomal problem, an accident of nature, unlikely to happen again. Lightening has struck us twice in one year. This really, really, really, really SUCKS. Fortunately, my D&C was scheduled for the very next day (yesterday), it was very easy with almost no pain or bleeding, and the doctor said it was "textbook." At least my uterus is more or less normal!

Erich and I will travel down to Evansville after Christmas and come home for New Year's Eve, when we look forward to toasting the END of 2008, a generally SUCKY year.

We wish you all, our dear friends and family, all the blessings of our crucified and risen Savior, born on earth as a baby. Our strength is in Him, and despite the challenges we face, we take joy in the assurance of our salvation.

All our love,

Susan and Erich

In Memoriam

1. Seven years and one day ago, the world changed. Most everyone I talk to remembers where they were and what they were doing when they received news of the tragedy in New York. Many people were already watching the news and saw the second plane hit the tower in real time.

I was eighteen years old. I had just started college and was just getting used to the college life. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I didn't have class until 11:50am, so I took those opportunities to sleep in. 9/11 was no different. At about 8:30 am, I heard talking outside my dorm room door. It was the tone of the voices that roused me. I heard snippets like, "Did you hear...?" and "Oh my gosh..." I got up and read an email from my mom telling me to turn on the news. And there it was. Then, as now, I could not put into words what I felt. The defining world event to usher me into adulthood was undefinable. The only thing I and my classmates could figure out was that the world would never be the same.

Yesterday, I had three piano students, two eleven-year-olds and one who was ten. The older ones kind of remember September 11, 2001, the younger one not so much. I'm growing to hate the cliché "I feel old," but it did make me feel old to see these kids, learning and growing in a world in which most of their lives have been post-9/11. I wish I could articulate what this all really means to me. Though it was seven years ago, it still feels like it's too soon. I'll get back to you in 20 years on that one.

Lastly, I can't begin to imagine how the family and friends of the victims felt then or now. They share their personal tragedies with each other and the rest of the world. I have no more words.

2. You might say Erin's grandmother lived a long life, but many people who make it to age 73 continue to live another 10-20 years. Her sudden death from a massive heart attack is so sad, tragic, and inconceivable. How is it fair? Why her, why now? No one can answer these questions.

3. It was a long, long drive back from the doctor's office after I found out the baby in my womb no longer lived. I pass that doctor's office several times per week on my way to and from my church, where I work and teach. And every single time I've driven past it since February 13th of this year, I remember that day. Despite the amount of time that's passed and the fact that I have healed physically and, much more importantly, emotionally, the memories are getting stronger.

I remember the crushing feelings of sadness and injustice that descended upon me like a violent rain storm. I threw an angry fit as soon as I got home, pleading with God that there might be something I could do or think to bring my baby back to life. But there was nothing. All I could do was grieve, and wait. Time has given me perspective, but I still can't explain why. There's never an answer.



The only thing that keeps me from becoming a total pessimist is the knowledge that death and tragedy are not supposed to make sense. We plan for and hope for good. It makes sense, we understand why, when good things happen. Tragedy is chaos and sin in the world messing up our best efforts. It's not worth trying to figure it out. I believe God does not cause evil, but He works good through it. Though my feeble human understanding still craves to know "Why???," I continually hope and pray for the understanding that the question is irrelevant. Time gives the perspective to see the good that comes after bad, and patience is our greatest virtue in a world that doesn't make sense.

Moments in Spain: Oh, How I Love Beaches

I don't know what it is about a beach that just pulls me in. I could stare at it all day. My spirit flies off into the deep blue and I'm in a very happy place.

Erich and I arrived in Spain around noon on a Friday. We had left a very snowy Chicago the night before. On Saturday morning, we boarded a bus to San Sebastien. The weather was chilly but the skies were clear--a promising day. We arrived in San Sebastien and walked from the bus station to our hotel. We got checked in, etc., then went to explore the town. We walked not a hundred paces out the front door of our hotel before we saw this. It was about 70 degrees and clear as can be. I was temporarily in heaven.


This was exactly what I needed. A little retreat from the winter at home that seemed to have no end. Just staring at the waves was like an antidote to the emptiness I still felt only six weeks after my devastating miscarriage. The long hours of travel through cold and snow just melted away in the abundant sunshine and beautiful colors of San Sebastien.

We didn't even walk on the sand. I didn't dip my feet in the water. All I needed was a look. I probably stood there for a good fifteen minutes, taking pictures and soaking it in. It was more refreshing than a cold glass of water on a hot day. Thank you, God, for beaches!

I mean, what could be better than this?



Hmmm... still needs something.... I've got it!
....Perfect!

Don't you just want to paint this?

Outside the protected harbor, the seas weren't so friendly:

Sunset on a perfect day.

The Big Two-five

I'm officially old.

Oh, whatever, j/k, I've been saying that for the last five years. Every year I get oldER. And that's no longer exciting! 25 doesn't feel much different from 21, and I'm no longer wishing away the years.

The weeks and months, sometimes, I wish away, but not years.

24 was a big year for me. Got married, went to Hawaii and Spain, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. What will 25 bring? Good things and bad, undoubtedly. Only time will tell how much of each. There are lots of things I hope will happen by the time I turn 26, not the least of which is learning patience and the realization that 26 is not that old.

So what am I doing today besides sifting through Facebook notifications and a choir concert tonight? Nothing, it's just Wednesday. Erich is out of town. Blah.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee.

New blog

I've created a new blog dedicated to all things related to miscarriage, fertility, uterine anomalies, and other such topics that have been newly introduced to our lives. It can be found here: http://readyforparenthood.blogspot.com/

This blog will continue as it has and will not focus on the above-mentioned topics. If you're interested in our journey toward parenthood, feel free to add my new blog to your RSS reader of choice!

Faith

The following is from an email to my pastors, who are both awesome. In the days following our devastating news, I had much time to reflect and have found a good outlet in private journaling. I often find reasons to be glad I'm Lutheran, and recent reflections on my faith have been no exception.

"Thus far, I have had a rather smooth and hope-filled emotional recovery from this ordeal. At first I wondered why, and then I realized that Erich and I have many people--friends and family, loved ones--praying for our peace and comfort. God's peace has found us, and we welcome it. My mom says that Erich and I have such strong faith, we cannot be shaken. But hearing a statement like this embarrasses me; not because I don't have faith, but because I feel like I can't take responsibility for it. This miscarriage has demonstrated to me more acutely than anything else in my life that this wonderful faith we share comes completely and solely from the Holy Spirit. If it were up to me to keep my faith strong through this ordeal, I would fail miserably. The knowledge that I can rely so fully on the faith that comes from God is the sweetest of comfort. I don't need to question "my" faith (or even ask God "Why?") because God Himself keeps it strong. I can lean on that faith when I feel weak and know that it's there even when I don't feel it. I don't need to be able to control my thoughts and make myself think about believing in God and His saving grace to know that it's already won for me. What a tremendous blessing!"

Actually, scratch that :(

I really hate to make this announcement so soon after sharing our joy, but we have lost the baby. I had slight spotting and went in for an emergency ultrasound today, and the baby measured only nine weeks (I was to be twelve weeks today) and lacked a heartbeat.

Please keep Erich and me in your prayers in our time of grief.