Face Down

I've always struggled with feeling like I didn't belong.
In school, I didn't feel like I belonged in any sort of social circle. I wasn't athletic, wasn't a cheerleader, wasn't a nerd, wasn't "popular" and I've never found myself surrounded by dozens of close friends with a social calendar always filled up. I am not, by nature, a loner by any means. I enjoy people and like to go out of my house or have people over to my house. I just always feel like I'm "weird" or different and don't quite fit in anywhere, still. I'm 37 and I still feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I do have a couple close friends that I am very comfortable with and that's wonderful to have that kind of friendship. But in groups situations, I still feel socially awkward. Most of the time, I sit alone on the soccer bleachers. I walk into a crowd and unless one of my good friends is there, I cringe inside and want to hide in the bathroom. I'm simply more comfortable alone. Sometimes, I blame this on my weight and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't know if that is it, although it's definitely part of it because who can be relaxed when you're self conscious all the time? 

The past 6 months or so, I've been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out just who I really am. For several years, I have struggled with the fact that I don't have a big dream. No lifetime goal that I want to accomplish, basically nothing to strive for. My one and only goal in this life is to raise my children to know Jesus and to be His disciple and to give Him Glory. This is by no means a small task or nothing that I take lightly, but is it enough? Am I enough? So I've been spending a whole lot of quality time with Jesus. I've spent hours daydreaming about what I might "be when I grow up"  or what I wish I was right now. I've shed some tears wondering if I've got this whole life thing wrong. I've gone from mountaintop to valley. I've searched my heart for fear, guilt, anger, unforgiveness, etc that I might be harboring. I've fought the devil on my knees through this process. Most of the time my honest opinion is that I'm simply a boring person. And most of the time, I'm OK with that. It's not that I don't like myself or anything, I don't know, maybe I just lack motivation? But motivation to do what? I just don't have a purpose at this point. That sounds so stupid when I type it out. I've got a lot to do in this life. I have a husband who depends on me whether he realizes it or not. I'm a mom of four amazing kids who love the Lord who will always need me for everything from wiping bums to driving to soccer to nursing owies to arranging playdates, cooking meals, baking cookies, getting them to church classes on time, making sure their homework and chores are done before video games (I mean seriously if I wasn't here, that's all they'd do!), playing tea party, reading books, dancing in the kitchen (they aren't going to learn it from their dad, come on!), and the occasional help with a homework project at 11pm that's due the next day. I live a busy life. I have two thriving home businesses, volunteer at church a lot in several areas, and I even do have a few social outtings on my own personal calendar. Yet still, in my crazy messed up mind, I wonder if I am enough?!? But more than that lately, I feel out of place. I've come to realize that this might be because I am not of this world. Yes, dear readers (all 3 of you), I'm an alien. ;-) Several verses in Ephesians 2 and 2 Corinthians have been speaking to me about this and reassuring me that I do belong. I belong with Christ. Simply stated in a blog I read that I can't remember who wrote, "our physical bodies are here on earth, but scripture promises that somehow we're seated with Christ in heavenly places right now. Does that make sense to my head? Nope. But it makes sense to my spirit."

  The song I am sharing today is "Face Down" by Casting Crowns. This song has been on repeat in my mind for the past month or so and I have trained my brain when that happens to see if there is a line or a word that is specifically meaningful to me that God may be trying to say to me. The one I found grabbing me is ... where I know that I belong. Which is what brought me to this blog post. I did a little research on the reasoning behind face down worshipping and I believe in it with my whole heart. The only place that I truly feel like I belong and when I am there I feel like I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to do, is face down at His feet. I spend as much time as possible in this posture of worship and also happily stretching out my soul to Him in worship too. It is where I belong, and what I was made to do. I'm just not home yet so as long as I am in this world, I will always be longing for something more.

Matt Redman writes, "Every posture in worship says something of both the worshipper and the One being gloried in. The raising of hands tells of a soul stretched out high in praise and the worth of the One being exalted. Joyful dancing interprets a grateful heart and points in adoration to the source of that joy. When it comes to expressing our worship, what we do on the outside is a key reflection of what's taking place on the inside. Out of the overflow of our heart we speak and sing, we dance, and we bow. God reveals, and we respond. God shines and we reflect. In the very same way, facedown worship is the overflow of a heart humbled and amazed by the glory of God. FACEDOWN WORSHIP ALWAYS BEGINS AS A POSTURE OF THE HEART."

I try to find a new way to tell You

Some way to show You what You mean to me

There's nothing new

I exhaust myself searching

The world just keeps turning

What else can I do

"Cause I find myself empty and 

Face down

Having nothing else to cling to

But need of love that only You can give

Face down

Where I know that I belong

And I pray with grace that this world sees in me

Someone humbled and broken at Your feet

I stand amazed

See the work of Your hands

Still I don't understand why you would rescue me

An empty cross, where You suffered and bled

Overcoming my death, recreating me

With this freedom I will be

Face down

Having nothing else to cling to

But need of love that only You can give

Face down

Where I know that I belong

And I pray with grace that this world sees in me

Someone humbled and broken at Your feet

So I'm asking for Your help

Just can't do this by myself

After all, this life's for You and not for me

Through Your mercy now I see

Brokenness is what I need

So I'll stay right here at Your feet

Right here at Your feet