Be a role model

Each one of us is good at giving advice. We tell our children to be obedient, have pleasing manners, be disciplined etc. We tell our juniors at work to be punctual, focused, over-achieve etc. We tell our spouses to be balanced, mature, cool etc. We tell our neighbours to be friendly, helpful etc. Our expectations from others always borders on perfection.

Ever wondered what the expectations of others are? They expect us to be perfect too. At the very minimum, they expect us to practice what we preach and "walk the talk". It would seem too far fetched if we demonstrate some behaviour and expect a contrary behaviour from others. For example, if we were to be short tempered ourselves, how can we expect our children, spouse or neighbour to be any different?

If we strive for perfection ourselves, without worrying about others, we might soon end up becoming a role model for others. People might start looking up at us and emulating us. We might create the change that we wish to see merely by adopting it in ourselves. What greater achievement can there be when we have conquered ourselves and, in the process, unleashing a wave of change around us?

The world, that we perceive, is merely a reflection of ourselves. If we are filled with positive thoughts and emotions, we will see a wonderful world around us. Every moment will become a moment of joy and every person an angel from heaven. All we need to do is to adjust our lens and improve ourselves.

Be a role model in your circle of influence. Embrace a life of values.

Flexibility - To be or not to be

Sometimes in life we face a difficult situation. Imagine, we have given an opinion about something or have taken a decision. Then, we are confronted by an alternate view or course of action. On top of it, the alternative looks logical or is backed by someone influential. Some of us will readily consider the option and change our stance. Many of us, worry about the consequences of changing our position. We feel that we will end up looking hasty or not intelligent enough if we change our minds.

Flexibility is something that most of us advocate or recommend but when it comes to ourselves, we prefer to be otherwise. What we call as firm mind is seen as and branded as 'stubborn' by others. Inflexible people are seen as closed minded people who have a difficulty in accepting fresh thoughts or ideas. To avoid this, some people (esp. politicians) cleverly refuse to reveal their thoughts till everyone's thoughts are known.

When we are flexible and accomodative, people find it comfortable to deal with us. We have better relationship with our family and friends. Our circle of influence increases and we tend to attract more open communication. We tend to listen with empathy and do not get into 'positions' from where we cannot extract ourselves. Flexible people are solution oriented and want to move forward rather than getting stuck with issues.

There are some situations where flexibility ceases to be a virtue. When we have made a commitment or a promise, we cannot show flexibility in the performance. When it come to a question of values, one should never show flexibility even if it results in us losing out in the short term.

A lot of pressure and stress is generated when values are upheld. Lot of people avoid this and try to take the easy way out. Rather than fight for the truth and pay the price for it, people tend to compromise and dilute standards. Such an approach might look easy and positive in the short term but will have significant impact on the longer term. The sub-prime crisis that hit the world economy in 2008 is a clear and recent example of this.

Flexibility is a virtue except on questions of values.

Live a life of values

Wherever we look in our universe, we are bound to see nature at its best. Everywhere we see orderliness and patterns that are followed in a sacrosanct manner. The birds go to roost at fixed times, nocturnal birds snooze in the day, every fruit has a particular flavour and pattern, the oceans remain within their boundaries etc. It is as if God has laid down rules and each creature is following it religiously.

It is only us human beings who have broken all rules and been creating our own rules. We sleep during day and work at nights. We systematically destroy nature to fulfil our selfish ambitions. We become violent without sufficient reason. We use deceit for personal gain. The list is endless. Our acts are not without its consequences. Whenever we transgress the rules, we end up making the world an unsafe place to live in. We end up creating a direct impact on our environment. In the mad pursuit of happiness, we end up becoming and making others unhappy.

We can see crisis after crisis hitting the world at regular intervals. Whether it is a crisis which impacts health like the AIDS crisis or one that impacts economies like the sub-prime crisis, we can directly link each crisis to the drop in moral standards. Even natural disasters like droughts, floods or earthquakes can be managed better if we have high moral values in our lives.

Clearly there is a need to reflect on this and identify the rules that we, as humans, need to follow. "Values" are the rules that will help us restore nature to its glory and help us to enjoy this precious life. Values are the guiding lights that lead us in this world made dark by all kinds of sins. By leading a life of values, we enrich our own lives and also the lives of people around us. We also facilitate creating a culture of valued based living.

The purpose of this blogspot is to list out all the values that are important and to serve as a reminder for us to follow it. In the preceding articles, we have spoken about many values like love, kindness, generosity, charity, selflessness, truth, honesty etc. All of these must become part and parcel of our daily lives. When we thus live a life of values, we will slowly but surely bring about a change. Value based living will erase the ills of the society and will help create a world where peace and joy abounds.

On the question of values, don’t ever compromise...

“Raising the standard of living must also mean raising ethical, moral and spiritual standards." - Sri Satya Sai Baba

“You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions. And you teach others how to behave toward you. While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviors and actions. By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life” - Eric Allenbaugh

“Live today as if it were your last.” - Robin Sharma

“You are not here to merely make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.” - Woodrow Wilson

Reserve your judgement

To err is human. All of us commit mistakes at some time or the other - some through negligence or oversight and some deliberately. None of us are perfect. We have all had vices or some unholy desires. We have all sinned - sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. Yet, we cannot lose hope. If we so desire, we can become saints from this moment onwards. All it takes is a strong resolve.

If the above is true, do we have a right to judge others? When we ourselves are still striving for perfection and correcting our faults, do we have any moral standing to look at others and form a judgement? Most of the times, we do not know the circumstances that lead a person to behave in any particular manner. We have no knowledge of the intentions behind their actions. Even hypothetically if we know that the intentions were wrong and the actions likewise, can we say that the person will always be like that?

I remember an incident in my childhood. A friend of mine told me to accompany him to the vegetable market and convinced me to pick up a lemon from the basket when the vendor was not looking. I must have been about 7-8 years old then. We went and I picked up a lemon and as we were about to leave, the vendor caught my hand which was still holding the lemon. Without saying a word, he shook my wrist to make the lemon fall back into the cart and then let me go. He taught me an invaluable lesson that day...

It takes a mature mind to recognise a mistake and forgive it. If you brand someone as bad or as a criminal, you tend to ignore the possibilities of correction that can happen in course of time. In our minds, we all want to be good and lovable. Only, some of us take time to get over our tendencies and habits. If we set high expectations, we will get high results. Treat everyone with love and respect for they deserve it. Give them space and time to become the best that they want to be.

Until then, reserve your judgement.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them” – Mother Teresa

“The multitude judge a man more on his external sheen rather than his inner light” – Pitigrilli

“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers” - Voltaire

Generosity of spirit

A few weeks ago I experienced something extraordinary. I was coming out of a temple with a small box full of prasad (food distributed to devotees after offering to the Lord) when I saw a lame beggar. It was past lunch time and I felt he must be hungry. So I offered him a portion of the prasad. He accepted it gratefully and, instead of eating it immediately, I saw him walk over to a couple of small children who were also begging. He then divided the prasad and happily shared it with them.

I was taken aback by his generosity. He clearly was no ordinary person. Even in his poverty and his hunger, he displayed a high level of selfless behaviour. Stephen Covey, in his famous book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", has referred to this as having an abundance mentality.

People having this mindset feel that there is enough in this world for everyone. They do not want to rush to satisfy their own needs first. They happily offer things to others and wait for their turn patiently. They are happy to recognise contributions of other people and acknowledge them openly with worrying about themselves. They display a highly evolved and mature mind which puts others before self.

Such people are really rare in this world. Yet, if we want, we can choose to be like that. All it needs is a strong will, conviction and faith. And an eye that sees the same self in all beings...

"The hand of a generous man is like the clouds of heaven which drop upon the earth fruits, herbage and flowers, but the heart of the ungrateful is like a desert of sand, which swalloweth with greediness the showers that fall, and burieth them in its bosom and produceth nothing" – Anon

Walk the talk

All of us have one common craving and desire – to be loved and respected. This essentially comes from our ego which craves recognition. One can see this even in small children, by the way they smile and laugh, when we pet and fondle them. There are many ways by which we can get the respect of others. One of them is by having consistency in our behaviour and our speech.

We tend to speak with much enthusiasm and gusto about various topics. Even take the topic of values – each one of us will profess to be having the right values in ourselves. We will also have a view on how one should behave in different situations and circumstances.

The true test comes when we are faced with such situations. At that time, do we practice what we preach? Or do we have different standards and yardsticks for ourselves? I have seen people preaching and advocating non-violence but when a tiny ant bites them for transgressing into its territory, they would immediately retaliate by crushing its life out. I have also seen parents teaching children to not fight but constantly arguing between themselves and showing contrary traits.

Whatever ideals we stand for; whatever characteristics we seek to see in others, should be first incorporated in ourselves. We must become the change we want to see in the world, said Mahatma Gandhi. What better way to preach and teach than by demonstrating values through our own actions? When we thus walk the talk, we gain respect, admiration, love and, above all, following.

“When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice” - Otto Von Bismark

“The mediocre teacher tells; The good teacher explains; The superior teacher demonstrates; The great teacher inspires” - Anonymous

“A picture is better than a thousand words, an action better than a thousand pictures” – Vishwanath Seshadri

Avoid blame game

Life is uncertain and volatile. In the midst of success, we suddenly see failures or vice versa. In the midst of much happiness, we encounter sad moments or vice versa. When we enjoy success we take full credit on our efforts. Some of us who are magnanimous, do express gratitude to the people who have made our success possible. Some go out of the way to deny all personal credit and acknowledge every possible contact (think of film award ceremonies).

What happens when we encounter problems or failures? Do we introspect on the reasons? Or do we invent excuses? Or blame others? Sometimes, it is easy and convenient to look outside for the reasons of our problems. It makes us feel better if we disclose that the problems were caused by external elements and we had nothing to do with it. How many of us have the sense of responsibility, honesty and courage to admit our shortcomings? Do we go to great lengths to defend ourselves and prove ourselves innocent?

If we tend to blame others incessantly and unnecessarily, we end up antagonising them. No one likes to be blamed. People start avoiding our company fearing the next blame will fall on them. We end up losing our friends and become lonely in life.

If you encounter setbacks or failures, as you sometimes will, curb the first instinct to look for a scapegoat. Think rationally and logically as to what is the cause. Is it a chance event that no one had any control over? Is it a consequence of something that we specifically remember? Is there learning for us? Is there any point crying over spilt milk? This approach will make you balanced and positive. You will end up using the opportunity to become better and find support from others too in your moment of crisis.

"A man can fail many times but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else" - John Burroughs

“Fix the problem, not the blame.” - Japanese proverb

How to take feedback

Each of us, irrespective of what we do in life (unless we have renounced everything), need feedback to find out how well we are progressing. Only people who genuinely care about our well being would take the effort of giving us feedback. Feedbacks are really a reflection of the impression that others have have formed on us. It is in our interest, therefore, to seek feedback regularly and welcome every feedback that comes our way.

Sometimes we may get appreciation and praise from others. At such times, it is important to retain our poise and listen carefully. Our mind should distinguish the genuine admiration from the flattery. We must make it a point to mentally reconfirm whether we share the same belief and, if required, seek clarifications and examples of instances. We should also not brush away praise by appearing too modest.

Usually, we get feedback on our deficiencies and on occasions where we have faltered. The natural reaction, during such times, of defending ourselves needs to be curbed. We should be alert to both the spoken as well as the unspoken words and hear intently to get the full import of the message. Our body language should convey an openness to receiving the feedback. By asking suitable questions, we should remove any lingering doubts on the feedback received.

We must end each feedback session with a heartfelt thanks to the person communicating. Where we agree with the negative feedback, we must quickly admit and respond on how we plan to improve. If we have a different view, we could keep that for discussion at a different time. Listening without defending does not mean we are in agreement with the feedback. In every case, our words and actions should clearly indicate that the message was well received and we have gratitude to the giver.

"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning" - Bill Gates

Your time is running out!!

All of us, who are born into this world, have a common end in death. While the lifespan may differ for each individual, the end game is the same. All around us we notice the inevitable happening in different forms. Each time we see, hear, read or think about death, we should be reminded that we shall also encounter it, sooner or later.

When this realisation hits us, we should be aware that we have a very limited span of life and, therefore, cannot afford to waste our time. Whatever be our chosen field of endeavour, we should be consumed in it as if there is no tomorrow. We cannot afford to postpone things that matter most. For, a time may come for us to say goodbye and leave behind unfinished tasks and unfulfilled promises.

Whatever be your desire - do it today and do it now. If it is a task which would take longer, no time like now to start it. Invest a little time in listing out your priorities. These can be formal as well as informal; official as well as personal; small as well as big. If you want to tell someone that you love them, do it now. If you want to express gratitude, do not delay. At the same time, let this sense of urgency not make you rush through important things.

Take an inventory of all that you do. Chuck out those activities and tasks which have no bearing on your purpose or priority. Make time for the really important tasks. Be aware that time and tide waits for none. While we are lazing around doing nothing or doing perfectly useless things, our clock is steadily ticking away.

"Begin doing what you want to now. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand, and melting like a snowflake" - Marie Beyon Ray

"Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure?" - Author Unknown

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” - Annie Dillard

What's your goal?

Years ago, I went to an interview and was asked this question. At that time, I had only short term goals and was living life by the day. My immediate thought was to say "My goal is to get this job" but I managed a more polished "I haven't made up my mind on this yet". Later, this question made me think and come to the conclusion that it is indeed important to have a goal in life.

Without a goal, we are aimlessly drifting and our actions seem disoriented. We move from activity to activity in a random manner. Our interests are short term. We soon get bored with them and crave for new interests. Without a goal, we live and exist but do not dream or aspire.

When we have a goal, we are like men possessed. The desire to attain our goal consumes our every waking moment. Even when we are asleep, we dream about our goal. Our minds thinks of a hundred different ways of achieving it. Like Arjuna, who could see nothing but the eye of the bird that he was about to shoot an arrow at, we too develop a sharp focus.

Each of us have taken birth with a purpose. We need to think about it and, if possible, seek help from a Guru to understand it. It should be something that will make our life seem fulfilling. Only when we have taken a decision on this will our life and actions seem more meaningful. And once we have decided on our goal, we have already taken that first big step towards attaining it.

"Give me a stock clerk with a goal and I'll give you a man who will make history. Give me a man with no goals and I'll give you a stock clerk" - J.C. Penney

"You are here for a purpose. There is not a duplicate of you in the whole wide world; there never has been, there never will be. You were brought here now to fill a certain need. Take time to think that over" - Lou Austin

"You are only as strong as your purpose, therefore let us choose reasons to act that are big, bold, righteous and eternal" – Barry Munro

Think Win-Win

Some people think saying no is difficult and saying yes is easy. However, there are situations when we find ourselves often saying no. Take for example a parent responding to a child's requests. Another example that comes to mind is when we are in the process of negotiating for purchase, sale etc. In such situations, we find it difficult to come to an agreement. Only weak negotiators say yes easily. Most smart ones will try to extract their pound of flesh before grudgingly saying yes.

I read an interesting book called "Getting to Yes" a few years ago. The author describes the process of arriving at an agreement. He says that unless we want an aimless and endless discussion, we must strive to conclude the deal. My big take away from the book is that we should think win-win. If we are only thinking of our interests, we would find it difficult to strike deals. We also would have a lot of people with grouses against us.

Even as we prepare for a discussion, we should consider what the other party's reasonable expectations could be in addition to listing out our requirements. In our minds, we should think of a position which would be acceptable to both parties. When we are discussing each others demands, we should also probe / disclose possible reasons for our respective expectations. When we know why someone needs something, we can think of alternate ideas to fulfill the same.

I read a story of a girl and her brother who arrived home famished and both claimed a single apple that was in the fridge. In normal circumstances, they would have ended up sharing half an apple each. But when they discussed their requirements, it turned out that the girl only wanted the skin to bake a pie and the boy only wanted the flesh to make a milk shake. With this discovery, they both got what they wanted. Otherwise, they would have come to a sub-optimal solution.

When we think win-win, we are thinking solutions. Instead of being stuck in positions and appearing adamant, we are taking a step forward and looking positive. Everyone is happy with the outcome. Our gains and victories need not come with a loss or pain to others.

Art of saying no

Swami Vivekananda had said that everyone has good intentions and every action begins with a good intention. All of us crave to be recognised as good and nice people. Sometimes we put ourselves in trouble or inconvenience because of this. In order to please people, some of us tend to say yes for everything. Even if we disagree with someone, we pretend to agree so as to not hurt the speaker. Similarly, when we are asked to do something, we find it hard to refuse.

I remember when I was a youngster; a few of my 'friends' tried to cajole me into smoking my first puff. Thanks to fear of my mother, I managed to say no to smoking despite a huge pressure on me. If I had succumbed to their persistent efforts, I might have ended up being addicted to this and spoilt my health in the bargain. Yet, there have been times when I found it difficult to take an opposite view. Fear of peers, bosses and significant others getting upset with a refusal is a very strong reason why we tend to say yes quickly.

The ability to say no is an important and useful trait. What also matters is how we say no. One has to be tactful and refuse without appearing hesitant. The ability to put across our refusal along with a proper reason for it would usually do. In fact, before we agree or disagree, it would make sense to think through. Giving an impromptu response is best avoided unless one is already thought about it and taken a decision.

Contrary to what some of us believe, people do not hate us for saying no. Many people appreciate our confidence and honesty. Rather than saying yes and not honouring our commitment by giving last minute excuses, it is much better to say no and stick to it. The intention of this blog is not to encourage readers to say no every time to everyone. The idea being conveyed is that, occasionally and when appropriate, we should be willing to politely decline without any feelings of guilt or fear lingering in our minds.

Sharpening the saw

As a young boy, it was my dream to finish education soon and start working. School seemed so boring and people who are working seemed to really enjoy themselves. I suppose each one of us goes through such thoughts. When I went for my first interview, I realised how little I knew. Whatever I had learnt and prepared for, were not the subjects discussed in the interview!! In the various jobs that I have worked in, I understood that unless one is abreast of the developments in ones field, one gets left behind in the career.

There is a story of a woodcutter who thought he can become more productive if he cuts trees non-stop. After a few days, he knew that it is necessary to sharpen the saw in order to become more efficient. This is true for all of us irrespective of what is our chosen goal. We need to keep learning and sharpening the saw.

There are very few gifted people with razor sharp memories who remember everything that they have learnt. For the vast majority of us, we remember the broad concepts and forget the details over time. Therefore, it becomes necessary to brush up and re-learn whatever we have already learnt from time to time. One way to do this is to involve the concepts in our day to day work. That way we stay in touch. The other methods are to take time to read, discuss, think and teach about the subject of our interest.

Besides the above, it is also important to learn about the new developments in our chosen field. Books, Magazines, Journals, Internet etc. provide rich information about the changes. One should cultivate the habit of being in touch with the subject and learn new skills. Our ability to talk with confidence on our subject and hold the interest of our audience is enhanced if we are obsessed with learning. Never stop learning.

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other” - John F Kennedy

Learning is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily - Chinese Proverb

Practice makes us perfect

Lord Krishna, while answering Arjuna's question on how to control the mind, tells him in Bhagvad Geeta that, although mind control is indeed very difficult, it can be achieved through Abhayasa Yoga (constant practice). We can draw an inference from here that any task can be accomplished if we are sincere and serious about it and practice it.

Every task looks difficult in the beginning. When I began learning driving, I found it very difficult to coordinate the hand, feet and eyes. If I had to change the gear, I would look down and the vehicle would move dangerously to the other side of the road !! With continuous practice, I became an expert driver. Likewise, when we attempt anything new, it seems like a complicated task. That should not deter us. It should rather make us more determined. As we repeatedly practice and perform it, we become masters at it.

I once heard some one saying that for every task there are four stages. The first stage is one of unconscious incompetence - when we don’t know that we are not competent. If we have not tried to do something, we may not know that we don't know. The next stage is conscious incompetence - when we discover that we are incompetent. After practice, we move into a stage of conscious competence - when we are good at doing something.

The fourth stage is the most interesting - when something becomes second nature to us. We can do it without making any conscious effort. It is like sub-consciously chanting your prayers without paying attention and the mind wandering somewhere else. After some time, we discover that we have finished chanting but the satisfaction that comes from having the consciousness is missing. It will be good if we can restrain ourselves from moving into the fourth stage.

" When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win "- Ed Macauley

"I am not afraid of a fighter who knows thousand different types of kicks, but I am afraid of one who has practiced a kick thousands of times" - Bruce Lee

"Living a life of values becomes easy if we continuously practice it with determination" - Vishwanath Seshadri

Beauty in modesty

According to a popular saying in Tamil, a woman's real beauty lies in her modesty. I think that modesty as a characteristic makes everyone attractive and appealing. People possessing this trait feel no need to publicize their beauty or accomplishments. They typically seek to underplay things and prefer to let their actions speak for themselves. Leaders do not talk about what is already done. Their minds are set on the next goal.

Contrast this with people who rush to stake their claim to everything. Their self disclosure becomes boring very soon. They have such a low self esteem that they want a constant reinforcement for themselves. Even if they have no talent or have not actively contributed, they would love to be claim credit for every achievement. Most of their sentences begins with "I".

People normally do have a view about each other. They know who is capable and competent and who is not. They know each others abilities and character. No one forms a view based on our respective claim to fame. In such circumstances, isn't it better to be humble and silent about ourselves? Do we achieve anything by talking about ourselves? When someone boasts of a certain trait, it could provoke people to dismiss it or attempt to disprove it.

When other people discover our beauty, talent or traits by observation, they will automatically appreciate us and even inform others in passing. By not disclosing it ourselves, we are giving others a chance to talk about it which makes it far more credible. After all, true beauty cannot remain hidden for long, can it ?

"It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels" – St Augustine

"Your greatness is measured by your kindness; your education and intellect by your modesty; your ignorance is betrayed by your suspicions and prejudices, and your real caliber is measured by the consideration and tolerance you have for others." - William Boetcker

"Only an attitude of mind free from egoism, ostentation and attachment can be called humility." - Sri Satya Sai Baba

Tolerance makes us strong

When we see an unacceptable behaviour, we typically begin to get hot under the collar. We lose our patience and begin to fume. Depending on the level of irritation and the situation, we may get provoked to speak out our minds and even take other forms of action. Taking the initiative to make a change is good. It indicates courage and a spirit of bravado. I am reminded of many revolutionary freedom movements which were successful due to this.

However, intolerance is good only in certain situations. If this becomes our second nature, it could lead serious consequences and breakup of relationships. I have seen people priding themselves in being intolerant. They make statements like “I just can’t tolerate this” or “I have tolerated this for too long”. There are many situations where tolerance is a virtue and makes us stronger.

The key requirements for tolerance are patience, maturity and a broad mind. Instead of being reactive, if we become “reflective”, it will help us see things with a wider perspective. Viewed with a long term perspective, small irritants seem insignificant. We learn to take things lightly and overlook them. In children, we see high levels of tolerance as they do not have high expectations and they have the knack of acceptance.

With tolerance, we gain control over ourselves. People who have control over themselves are strong indeed and have the magnetism to be able to control others. When we are tolerant, people get a sense of comfort dealing with us. Our relationship network expands and so does our ability to influence others.

“Until you have learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with you, you will be neither successful nor happy” - Napoleon Hill

"The highest result of education is tolerance." - Helen Keller

“He that can't endure the bad will not live to see the good.” Yiddish Proverb

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is one’s best teacher” - Anonymous

A question of confidence

Very often motivational speakers and writers exhort people to live life with high self-confidence (HSC). They tell people that if you have HSC, you can achieve anything. Your credibility and charisma get enhanced when you have that attitude of HSC. Your communication becomes stronger and people tend to trust those who have HSC. Perhaps, I too have covered this in an earlier blog.

As children, we have often received contrary communication and advice. Our parents, elders and teachers have told us not to get over confident (OC). They tell us, especially before tests and exams, that we need to prepare well and keep revising our studies without becoming OC. If we are OC, we tend to become negligent and casual and it may reflect poorly on our results. As adults, we are told this more subtly in order not to offend us.

Both views are correct. When there is a question of what level of confidence is right, there is no right answer. If our standards are too high, we might become too critical and start having self doubts. Our nervousness is a sure indicator of disaster lying ahead. Likewise, if our standards are low, we might start taking things for granted. This creates an impression of arrogance or nonchalance leading to a different set of negative results. One has to be balanced and moderate while evaluating oneself.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life the laws of the universe will be simpler" - Thoreau

"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced" - Vincent Van Gogh

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" – Eleanor Roosevelt

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” – Anna Freud

Admit your mistakes

Many years ago I had read a story which made a deep impression on me. It was about a group of boys who, whilst playing a game of cricket, had broken the window of a neighbour. While most of the kids ran away in fear, there was one brave lad who stood his ground and, when the neighbour came, took ownership for the accident. The neighbour, pleasantly surprised at the boy's honesty, forgave him. It was a powerful story which talked about courage, honesty etc.

How many of us behave in that manner? How many of us have the boldness to acknowledge mistakes that we, as humans, sometimes commit? What is the point in pretending to be super-humans or perfect beings incapable of committing any error? When we admit to an error, we are not only being honest but are also making an unspoken promise to be more careful in the future. This is quite similar to the intention of confessing our sins in church. People start trusting those who have this quality in them.

Some people presume that denial is the best method. It gives them a feeling of ego boost, because they have not admitted any mistake. In reality, they cut a sorry figure in front of others when denying mistakes. There are some people who, when confronted, will start making counter allegations to divert attention. Alternatively, they will go to great lengths to defend their positions. They convince no one but, perhaps, themselves in the process.

The first step towards any progress is acceptance. We can make a move to a better position only when we agree that our current position is weak. If we feel everything we do is "perfect", we begin to stagnate. When we adamantly deny, we risk getting isolated. The choice is, therefore, very clear. Avoid making mistakes and if you do make it, accept it and move on.

What do you say?

"To err is human, to admit is super human" - Doug Larson

"I'd rather confess I'm wrong and be right, than claim I'm right and be wrong" - Maria Fontaine

Mind your Language !!

There was an extremely popular television serial some years ago with this title. That serial poked fun at people from different countries on the manner by which they speak the English language. This blog has the same title but the intention is slightly different.

It is important to be good at language skills. However, one has to be also good at using the language properly at different occasions. One has to be particularly careful in avoiding use of abusive or dirty words. Sometimes when passion overcomes us, we tend to lose control of what we speak or do. Even when we are emotionally charged up, we need to mind our language.

I must mention a word about my brother here. Right from childhood I have observed him showing tremendous restraint and control over his tongue. Even when everyone around him freely used bad words and when it was considered fashionable to mouth such words, he would speak only decent and proper language. He always came across as dignified and respectable because of that.

Control of our tongue has many advantages. A harshly spoken word can never be withdrawn and can cause more damage than can be imagined. It will be easy to move from controlling our tongue to controlling our minds. An honourable and happy life awaits us when we thus control our minds.

One should avoid speaking anything which may provoke violence, flattery, condemnation or gossip. Or use words that may cause harm to others. One should not inflict pain by using words which are abusive – Jain thought

The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy. - Florence Shinn Bounce

Anger fogs understanding – Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Cheats get Defeat !!

When playing a computer game the other day with my son, I saw him attempting to cheat. When I asked him about it, he tried to grin his way out of the situation. I could have ignored it thinking that it is quite harmless and it was a game after all. However, I took the opportunity of giving him a sermon which I summarise below.

One advice often heard and given by us is that one should not cheat, cheating is a sin, something that will get us punished etc. Yet, many of us have cheated. Sometimes it is for fun. Sometimes it is to get a benefit for ourselves or for our loved ones. Sometimes it is just for checking whether we are good at it. Usually, it is done very subtly and with a lot of finesse. One must be prepared to bluff ones way out if caught.

Cheating takes several forms. Either it may be a simple breaking of rules or it could be making false statements / claims. It could be in the form of duping someone or it could be simply breaking of trust. It might be even used to punish someone falsely. We cheat thinking of immediate gains and do not quite worry about the long term consequences of the act. Even a simple case of cheating while playing a game has long term implications.

When we cheat (even for fun), it becomes part of our personality. We feel it is a legitimate option available for us to be used at any convenient time. Soon, people recognise our behaviour pattern and brand us as cheats. Then people stop trusting us. Our every act then starts looking suspicious to others. Even things done without intention looks malafide. We have to prove our innocence time and again. Our ability to build relationships gets seriously affected. Our gains through cheating can never be sustained or even retained. It is a loss making proposition to cheat. Moreover, cheating is addictive like any other vice.

On the other hand, if we are scrupulously honest, people deal with us comfortably. They trust us implicitly and explicitly. We have strong relationships and this helps us profit in more ways than one. Victory, in the real sense, is ours if we do not cheat.