wired

I used to pick people up at fannish conventions and professional conferences. Like meet a new person, flirt, take back to my hotel room for consensual shenanigans all in a weekend.

I might consider still doing that at a fannish convention, since I don't have any particular standing in that community. But I won't do it at a work conference.

See, in the last ~5 years, until the covid times, I went to a lot of conferences, in my professional capacity. For the last three years, it was literally my job description. I'm famous, on a small part of the internet.

It's not that I probably couldn't do it (although when would I sleep?). It's that I was at work. And that these people, even if they currently don't have the same employer, were my co-workers. And we don't fuck co-workers. My job-title has a few thousand people across the world and we see each other all the time, we're at conferences together all the time, like book editors. We get to know each other, we become friends, we know exactly who is queer or Very Married or The Other Kind of Married. We could probably make some low-drama arrangements.

But I still won't do it, because that would be implicitly condoning the behavior of consensually fucking co-workers at conferences, and that behavior is what predators (mostly but not exclusively men) hide behind. "Well, everyone knows that this conference is all $technology during the day and then you get drunk and get laid at night."

It would be lovely to have someone who was a consistent conference hookup whenever we were in the same place, but not so lovely that I'm willing to have it cover for predators. Not so lovely that it's worth risking anyone's professional credibility and employability. Because let's be real - men might survive being outed about a straight hookup, but queer people and women get less latitude.

So I guess it's not that I don't understand the temptation to screw around with people who you admire, who are brilliant in a way that you appreciate, who you've had a crush on, who are right there in person and maybe a couple whiskeys into Bad Decision Land. It's that I'm not 25 anymore, and I know that professional relationships are way more durable, valuable, and reliable than hot sex.

Don't fuck your co-workers, even the ones who have a different employer.

(if you know who I am, you'll note I left out a lot of identifying data. This is not locked, because I want to say it out loud, but also not tied to my professional identity, thanks for keeping it that way)

Current Mood: aggravated

There is an old, old joke where a patient says to the doctor, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." and the doctor says "So stop doing that.".

That joke is weird for me right now, because it hurts when I do something but I want to do it.

To wit, my genito-urinary system is apparently not set up to ride more than 50 miles at a time, and I really, really, really want to ride a century, or 100 miles.

The consequence of going too far is urethral irritation which causes bladder spasms and then uterine spasms. I've done a lot of online research and it turns out that your pudendal nerve (for your genitals, urinary system, pelvic floor, and anus) is not a one-way system, like, say, the nerves to the arm, nor is it simple. Instead, it, like your vagus nerve, can cause systemic reactions. Which explains why pissing off my urethra results in cold sweats, shivering, and nausea. If you've ever had a bladder infection, imagine it at the part where you never want to pee again, want to pee right now, and also are contemplating tossing your cookies. Now imagine that came on in less than half an hour.

I have tried so many things to fix this.

Strict hygeine
Applying chamois cream and topical numbing agents
Pyridium (urinary specifc analgesic)
New saddle and bike fitting
Different bike postures
Different diet
Peeing often
Avoiding peeing

None of it has worked, and I bailed out on "the easiest century" I could find because I was in excruciating pain starting at mile 30. I am fit enough to go further. But I have an achilles heel in my bike shorts.

I am really angry at my body about this. I mean, it can't help it, but nonetheless. I felt like this around my miscarriages, too. "Dammit, body! I have given you all the things you need, why are you failing me?". (I pause to note my internalized ableism)

The things that I have been able to figure out about what makes this better or worse:

Vibration/impact. This is the number 1 trigger, I think. I can go much longer on perfectly smooth roads than what I found on Saturday, which was expansion joints every 5 yards for MILES.
The pyridium helps, but not enough.
The problem is not related to actual weight going through, but rather impact.

So, that leaves me in a place where I feel like I'm never going to be able to complete a road century, and it's been on my list forever. Here are some of the things I could try.

Give up. It's not a thing my body is able to do.
Do a century on something perfectly smooth, like a bike trainer.
Spend time, money, and humiliation going to a urologist to see if I could get a temporary nerve block or some other help.
???

Notes:
I do know what interstitial cystitis is, I don't think I have it.
I have in the past had problems with recurrent UTIs.
I have the fainting goat of urethras.

I have some complicates thinks about Americans' views on consequences,sin, magical thinking, and privilege.

Thanks for the nudge, @brainwane.

One of the things I think is true about Americans as a whole is that we are really wedded to the narrative of people getting what they deserve. I suspect this is partially because of our Puritan/Protestant formative influences. If bad things happen to you, you must have sinned and brought them on yourself, or if not that, they are happening because God loves you so much He is testing you, ala Job. But in any case, you are responsible for the bad things that have happened to you.

The more we believe this, the safer we feel, because if bad things happen for a reason, all we have to do is avoid the reason and then bad things won't happen. The example for this is if you are a woman who behaves virtuously, (for whatever definition) you won't be sexually assaulted or raped. If you are raped, you must have deserved it by your actions.

We find this immensely comforting, as long as we are not the victim in a situation, because it gives us a belief in our own power to affect our lives and outcomes. As long as I am a Virtuous Woman, I am safe, and as soon as someone is not safe, it's on them, it couldn't possibly touch us, that's over there and my continued right action will keep me safe.

That's magical thinking. It is no more rational than the thousand other instances of magical thinking, like calling your beautiful child ugly so bad things won't notice them, or skipping cracks in the sidewalk (you ever wonder about the incidence of low back pain in primary childcarers, kids who walk on sidewalks, and the expressions of guilt?).

But because we've taken this magical thinking to such extraordinary lengths and embedded it so deeply in our culture, we don't see it anymore. We just assume that The Other has done something to deserve their misfortune, because if we look it in the face and see that they didn't, that means we are also at risk, and we just can't cope with that. Do you mean we live in an arbitrary and capricious world, and nothing I can do will keep me safe? Unacceptable!

I also think that the longer we go in life without something really bad happening to us, the more we invest in this theory, because we assume that bad things not happening to us means that our actions are obviously virtuous, and as long as we keep it up, we'll be fine, and why don't other people do this self-obvious thing? They should be more like me!

So if children need to get school district help to eat, obviously they or their parents should behave differently, so that the world treats them as well as a privileged white guy.

Privileged people fight really hard against the idea that misfortune is caused by something other than behavior, because it's terrifying to acknowledge anything else. And when something pops that bubble and misfortune happens, they cast about for SOME behavior that caused it, preferably behavior by someone else, because again, this behavior worked so well for so long, it must not be problematic.

Consequences are a malleable concept. We give children different consequences for the same behavior, based on their age, maturity, and caloric level. But everyone treats consequences as if they are handed out by a neutral force of nature. I lied and cheated and nothing bad happened? Lying and cheating must not be so bad, because there's almost no consequence. You got pregnant despite reasonable prevention? You deserve that consequence because your behavior was bad.

It's hard to understand how people can be so unbelievably heartless and devoted to it, but when you realize they are locked into this worldview by fear, you begin to understand their level of attachment to the lie of sin and consequences. It's not right, but it makes more sense.
Sign: White Privilege: If you can't see it, you got it

I took Baz in to get his meds adjusted, and the doctor noticed something I had missed that we need to work on, and I feel bad for missing it. Also, he lost a pound and grew zero inches, which is not great. Enter mom-guilt, stage left.

Then I got a call back about my life insurance policy, and yes, I can buy it, but there's a $40 surcharge for me being fat and having a history of depression. I hate hate hate that we use the BMI to practice psuedoscience, but I super extra hate it when it's going to cost me $500/yr, and maybe I should just slink back to corporate jobs. (I probably shouldn't).

But I'm thinking about it extra because my roll-off date on this contract is two weeks sooner than I expected. I checked today, and yes, we were all surprised by that choice, but it is what it is, and now I need to scurry scurry and Find the Next Thing. It is a bad week to try to scurry. Enter breadwinner guilt, stage right.

Then I went to therapy, and I get that she is trying to help me, but it's exhausting right now. She wants me to imagine a life without M, so I can fully accept my grief and my new relationship. It's possible she's right about this. But I think it's also possible that she is not used to functional poly relationships and how much negotiation and mutuality it requires to get it stable. It's like a layer of metacognition that I think most monogamous relationships that start at 20 don't always need. But what she isn't getting is that our whole relationship is based on mutuality and flexible acceptance. She said it sounded co-dependent, that we are always trying to anticipate what will make the other person happiest, what will serve the collective of our family. For example, M can't listen well when someone is crying. I can't listen well when someone shouts at me. (M does not shout). We have figured out it works out best for us if we bring up particularly thorny topics in email, get our reactions out, and then discuss them. She said this sounded like I didn't get to be my authentic self.

I'm like, "Lady, my authentic self is a reactionary jerk."

It's true. My first reactions to change and scary things are seldom what I want to actually live with. And she's encouraging me to try to figure out if I can live with as much change as transition is, and I seriously cannot figure out why it is so much more change than becoming parents or the brain injury. LIFE IS CHANGE. Anyone who tells you they are still married to the same person 20 years later is lying to themselves, even if only on a biological level. This is a faster change than some, but not radically different than getting knocked up. There's a bunch of social stuff, but I assure you, our relationship has never been anything but skin-deep traditional, so I have never really felt like society actually approved of us, they just didn't notice. Ok, so they may notice. That's a change. So is being pregnant, and that came with an endless degree of societal shit thrown at me, and very few people said, "wow, how can you handle such a massive biological, hormonal, and societal shift, you're so brave". There's not really a support group I found for "people who can't zip their winter coats or look at yogurt ever again". It's just such a joyous thing that we assume the process is welcome.

Well, it says a lot about how we feel about trans* stuff that transition is not a joyous process of becoming, but rather a pathologized and troubling experience that everyone needs a lot of therapy about.

M is worried about whether their new body will be appealing to me.
Let me show you my stretchmarks.

I know, I KNOW that the experience of pregnancy is a pale candle to the societal opprobrium trans people face. I am not trying to say it's a 1-1 experience, and I apologize if it sounded like it. But I also want to say, "why isn't there a path where it's a rough nine months and then you get this great thing at the end?".

Enter spousal guilt, drifting from the ceiling like snow.

After all that, I drank a cider, read the first quarter of an X-Wing book with M's head in my lap, and went to sleep.

Today is better, at least.

She made me write up a bunch of things about my values, and oh, god, it was all so earnest, but I'm putting it here for historical reasons:
( My homework )
My giftedness is empathy and kindness. But I can only say that because of my other gifts: intelligence, social class, security, relative mental stability. My whole career is based on my ability to understand complex technical problems and then understand and explain what people need to know about them. My relationships are about meeting people where they are and deciding if I can love them in that state, understanding that people are mostly doing the best they can with what they have.

I'm here to be and do what I can, with what I have, where I am. It's a quote from Arthur Ashe that means a lot to me. I'm here to change the world, not in large strokes, but in tiny nudges in people's lives. Kids who can function. A spouse who is truly themselves. Teenagers who postpone sex and use protection. Products that are more humane and ethical. Handwarmers for protestors. I don't think I have it in me to lead a revolution, but maybe I can make everything a little bit better where I am, and model how to be generous without overextending myself. I have to remember to keep myself safe and cared for first of all, or I become a detriment to the relational economy. Lack of self-care is a selfish action in the long run.

What is worth dying or living for.... um. It may be because I'm relatively young, but I'm pretty fatalistic about death. I care a lot more about functional life than I do about idealized life. That said, if I could absolutely know that it would save my child's life to give them mine, I would. It would be easier on impulse than as a meditated action. I think it's a lot harder to decide to live with someone and bend yourself so you can fit together than to make a single one-time decision about the value of their life vs. my own.

My values are honesty (not the same as truth-telling), joy, passion, and empathy. I feel like everything else flows from that. I want to be a place in the world that people feel understood, known, and loved for who they are, not who they portray.

I'm passionate about maximizing joy, mine and others. The axis I am most constricted on is time, and so the way to tell what I'm passionate about is what I make time for. Teaching sex education. Creating beautiful things and clothes that fit me. Reading books that make me think and that make me feel happy. I'm passionate about raising my kids to be critical thinkers, aware of different viewpoints and alternate ways of getting around problems. I am always aware that I am trying to raise adults, not compliant children. I do a lot of work toward making sure they have both the physical and emotional skills to manage adulthood. I was going to add cycling in here, but I think I LIKE it, but I'm not PASSIONATE about it. It is enjoyable and gets me exercise in the least-miserable way possible and gives me much-needed time for introspection and alone time, but I wouldn't say I'm passionate about it.

http://sortinghatchats.tumblr.com/post/121904186113/the-basics
Hufflepuff Primary, Slytherin Secondary.

Let's try again.

Stephanie Szvan on Codes of Conduct: http://freethoughtblogs.com/almostdiamonds/2015/12/07/my-theory-of-codes-of-conduct/
Specifically: In a situation where boundaries are commonly understood, the few people who are determined to violate boundaries have less cover and stand out more.

Read more: http://freethoughtblogs.com/almostdiamonds/2015/12/07/my-theory-of-codes-of-conduct/#ixzz3tlMsCsJM

If I have any Christmas money left over, I'm getting a subscription to Recompiler. http://shop.recompilermag.com/

This article on debt and whiteness was so good that I want to buy all of Eula Bliss's books: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/06/magazine/white-debt.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all

Need to retain this for the talk on kids and cybersecurity: https://libraryfreedomproject.org/teenprivacyguide/

Also this one: http://edtechinfosec.org/2015/11/30/vtech-vs-edtech/

The moral foundation of cryptography: http://web.cs.ucdavis.edu/~rogaway/papers/moral-fn.pdf
Super well argued and sobering.

So let me retransmit it. It says that your moral duties extend beyond the
imperative that you personally do no harm: you have to try to promote the social
good, too. Also, it says that your moral duties stem not just from your stature
as a moral individual, but, also, from the professional communities to which you
belong: cryptographer, computer scientist, scientist, technologist.

When I first encountered such discourse, I smugly thought the authors were
way over-promising: they needed to tone down this rhetoric to be accurate. I
no longer think this way. More engaged in implementing systems than I'll ever
be, top cypherpunks understand more than I about insecure operating systems,
malware, programming bugs, subversion, side channels, poor usability, small
anonymity sets, and so on. Cypherpunks believe that
despite
such obstacles,
cryptography can
still
be transformative.

(I wanted to quote more of it. It's v. good.)

Sorting Hat Chats: http://sortinghatchats.tumblr.com/post/121904186113/the-basics
I'm pretty sure I'm a Hufflepuff/Slytherin. I care a lot about people and situational ethics, but when I'm dropped in a bad situation, I improvise, not reach for order. It's a nerdy personality tool, like many others.

I do love a good hymn dissection: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nadiabolzweber/2015/12/fall-on-your-knees-a-sermon-for-christ-the-king-sunday/
I was saying on Twitter that I'm always amazed at how much theology you can cram into a hymn.

These talk tips actually ARE useful. https://posts.postlight.com/helpful-talk-tips-5347ea7c2745#.bs09q0gzx
I already use several of these techniques.

You might reasonably ask, Why would I arrange my life this way, as a shy person with two small children? Well I started a company, and this is the most sensible marketing I could do. No one is paying me for these talks, but as a result of showing up I’ve told about two thousand people in my field that my company exists, the kind of place we hope to build (big and diverse), and the sort of work we’re looking to do (big, complex projects that deliver amazing digital experiences). That’s about one minute of advertisement; the rest is more relevant to the interests of the audience. Some people like it; some people, I’m sure, just wish I’d be quiet and go away. I’m sure some people think I represent everything that is wrong with the world. Fun!

I'm not shy, but conference talks are the VAST majority of my self-promotion.

Surprising no one who pays attention to nutrition, it's not one size fits all: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/11/20/the-diet-study-that-upends-everything-we-thought-we-knew-about-healthy-food/?tid=ss_tw

Forgive me, circle, it's been like a month since I last posted. In that time I went to San Antonio, and Orlando, and the Space Coast, and caught a cold and gave two talks and handed out 50 business cards. So... let's start with clearing out my tabs.

This talk on The Seven Righteous Fights http://confreaks.tv/videos/rubyconf2015-the-seven-righteous-fights generated a bunch of discussion.

I need to add this article in: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/brainiac/2011/08/why_moral_leade.html to talk about why "do the right thing" is seldom a compelling argument.

I'm super proud of this talk, and I'm working hard on refining it. I just bought a book on presentation slides, called Slide.ology (see that, it has "ideology" in the title. Cunning.) So I need to redo all the images.

I'm actively campaigning (insamuch as I know how) for someone to invite me to come give it as a keynote. It's platform-agnostic, relates to pretty much any kind of software, and has a lot of obvious points packaged in a tidy little format. So if you know anyone who wants to fly me out to give an awesome conference keynote, you should show them this.

The next talk I'm going to do is called "The Kids are Going To Be 200 OK", and it's about cybersecurity and the youth. This talk is the seed of it: http://confreaks.tv/videos/alterconf2015-chicago-the-digital-sandwich-generation-women-s-roles-in-identity-management-for-others. The full-length talk will be about identity and how to troll-proof your kids (from being or suffering) and how to teach threat recognition. Stuff like that.

Also, we went to Disney and it was a completely charming money-extraction-machine, and I didn't even care. Kay and I went on alllll the roller coasters. She is a daredevil, when she lets herself be. Baz did really well, despite the fact that Disney is pretty much SensoryOverloadTopia. Thanks to his OT, he has so many more coping skills and a much better awareness of when he is getting close to his tipping point. I'm really excited about that.

Also, I got an invitation to be on a podcast, and maybe get a magazine writeup, and I got heavily recruited to submit to OSCON, so that was all very professionally productive. Oh, and a couple job leads, and a hot hotel date.

It was a total of 14 days on the road, which was a lot, but I managed. I don't think I want much longer than that, though.

Oh, and I helped my team win the trivia contest at RubyConf! I won by knowing Margaret Hamilton, Jacquard looms, and The Diet of Worms. I sat back and buffed my nails at the round where we identified programming books by cover, though. Not my department. Early Protestantism? Yes. O'Reilly books? No.

I think that is most of the work part of the trip.

I saw a couple people talking about a meditation app (not free) that had been helping them. What was the name of it, do you remember?

Yesterday, I went to a massage therapist and say, "ow, my piriformis". As anticipated, he poked it a bit and said, "yup". And then spent 45 minutes of a 90 minute appointment making me keenly aware of where every muscle in my hip attaches. And then he spent slightly less time on the other side, and then, glorious day, he did the thing with my elbow where it hurts like he's breaking adhesions (because he is) and now my elbow is all elbow-like n shit. Pretty awesome. 90 minute appointment is expensive, but not as expensive as having a 3/4 power elbow and stabbing pains when I walk. Today, the butt pain is not entirely gone, but it is reduced greatly, and it feels like the stretching is making more progress, which is entirely yay.

ALSO, he came up with a theory for why it's happening that is more persuasive than the theory I had formulated. I thought I was having pelvic tilt because my giant quads and glutes were not being counterbalanced by sufficient abdominal strength. He says that's possible, but it's more likely that a lifetime of sitting at a desk and hunching on a bike mean that the attachments at the top of my quads is very tight, and I can't really bend backwards there, and am being pulled forward. Oh! Yes, that fits the observed state. So he gave me some stretches for that, and for the imbalance in my forearm. He says it is sometimes a shame that people get sent to PT to strengthen things that first need to have mobility improvement. (true) I tried the front-of-hip stretches when I got home, got nowhere, and fell over. Ayup. Even my natural excessive stretchiness did not save me from this problem.

So that was GREAT. And then I went to therapy.

She gave me MORE homework. About what I think I am passionate about, and why I'm here in the world. Ugh. FEELS. Also, she asked me if I thought there was something in transition that would cause me to leave. Um. Well, let's see. We've been through 20 years, brain injury, polyamory, pregnancy loss, pregnancy, children, extended physical disability, and comics-sorting together. WHAT DO WE HAVE LEFT? (don't answer that, universe). But if we didn't split over any of that, why would rejiggering some social expectations be the dealbreaker? M pointed out that she is probably used to dealing with mono people, who do not have the luxury of getting their emotional needs met by more than one person. Possibly so, possibly so. I'm not saying that people don't break up over this, they demonstrably do. But I'm bi/pansexual. Gender presentation is not a dealbreaker for me, personality shifts are not a dealbreaker, sharing my razors is not a dealbreaker. We may have to negotiate about my nice mascara, I guess.

So I went home and we talked about that, and then M went out and I spent like 90 minutes swearing at my serger and getting it threaded properly, and then LT came over with Astro dog and we determined Astro does not want to eat cats on sight. Also, I was the worst parent in the world and made everyone do their chores and their music practice. Baz came down and talked to me (imagine me with a serger threader clenched jauntily in my teeth) about why it's so much more fun to do the chores that he wants to do, not the ones that he has to do. Hm. Funny how that works, kiddo. Can't help you.

This morning, I shoved a bunch of work meetings around so I could go be supportive while M did intake at Family Tree. I learned a lot of things:
1) Family Tree will now (as of June) do transition medical management, including prescribing and standard testing.
2) They will also give you a legit lollipop if you get a flu shot.
3) They are very open to there being more than one path to "transition", and although they check that you have a support network, they will not require that you have been living-as for any set period of time. I suspect if the answer had not been "I've been doing therapy around this for 3+ years", they may have asked for a bit more, but I don't know that. You do need to have some kind of mental healthcare, although it seems more like for safety reasons than gatekeeping reasons.

So that was the intake, and then there is a meeting with the trans advocate, and then the team gets together and discusses, based on your blood panels, health risks, etc, what types of hormones/blockers would be best for you. Which seems totally reasonable.

But understandably thwartful. If one has gotten up the courage to go say, "I'm ready to start hormones", "Wait 6 weeks" seems pretty terrible. On the other hand, I think that going slowly and doing things mindfully probably leads to better long-term outcomes. So M is sad that it's going to be more of a Christmas thing than a now thing, but honestly, I think there is a lot of other stuff we can get done before then. Like evidently I'm going to go approve a wig tonight.

I am internally whiny, but it's dumb stuff and so I can ignore it. Like I really wanted to sew tonight, and now I have wig stuff and reassurance stuff. And I have date night tomorrow night, and Friday night is flyball tournament, and I really need to go through my talk revisions, and also pack for two weeks in a carry-on suitcase and all that kind of stuff. None of it is TERRIBLE. Thursday I'm working from home and I have another massage scheduled.

Oh, did I mention that the deadline for this project is December 1? And that between now and then, in addition to my spouse doing all the transition excitement they can, I have two conferences I'm giving a talk at, and a vacation to DisneyWorld and Kennedy Space Center and M's family? hup hup!

M. apologized appropriately for not checking on me. And dredged up all their solid-and-reassuring and let me snivel on their chest while talking about therapy. That was good.

They say, that if I feel ok sharing it, they would like to see aforementioned goodbye-to-masculinity letter, so they could see and think about ameliorations that would not be harmful to them, and understand what I'm going through. That seems reasonable and good for both of us.

And then we talked about things we are looking forward to, nice parts about the transition. And I suggested several clothing alterations that would read as less "honest, I'm a dude", which is how they have trended in their clothing lately, until they finally came to terms with themself.

I said we should try to go on a date and not talk about any transition stuff, like we did when I was pregnant. They agreed in principal and then we tried to figure out when we have any time that is not a day with intake appointments, group therapy, other therapy, or other date night. Erm.

But I feel much better for some time to decompress and unpack safely.

I estimate I spent 25 minutes of my therapy appointment crying. So... successful? Or at least I trust her?

I said that my primary goals for therapy were to deal with my negative feelings about M's transition without making M deal with all of them, to learn to handle my stress better, and to give myself a place where I can be honest about my feelings without feeling like I'm hurting someone I love.

My HOMEWORK for this week is to write a goodbye letter to Matt, the man I fell in love with, listing all the masculinity and gender roles that I was attached to. (sobbing) Therapist said that it was not going to be possible to move on and change our relationship if I had not looked at and let go of the parts that were going to change. Which...feels true, yeah. I have been doing a bunch of forward-looking stuff, trying to get my head around the change, but you can't do that if you're still also expecting the way things always were. So. Appropriate mourning, without excessively inflicting it on other people. Seems good (seems horrible and hard and I hate it, so it's probably what I need to do).

The other thing we talked about is what I'm scared of, and being forced to haul those squirmy shadows out into the light was the rest of why I was crying. She assured me she gets paid by Kleenex consumed, and that there is a kickback arrangement. Which made me laugh soggily.
* M not being attracted to me anymore
* Me not being attracted to M anymore
* Living with three people in hormonal flux
* This being just more than I could handle and me crumbling under pressure.

(Which is when she brought up Beverly Crusher and her crush on a parasitic alien, and it was all well and fine when the alien chose male hosts, but it was just too much when the alien chose a female host. Apropos!)

She says that of course I have a breaking point, everyone does, but being scared of it and avoiding it adds to my stress and makes it more likely that I will break catastrophically instead of gracefully. Hm. There are engineering parallels here. I had mostly thought about "staying strong", not "failing gracefully and in a way that allows for rebuilding". So that was good.

She also suggested that I find myself a nice strapping man who is taller than me to indulge my desires for that, instead of just being sad that M is not that. So I'd say she's adapting to poly pretty well. ;)

And then I went home and cuddled Baz, who was glad to be home from camp, and made dinner, and put everyone to bed, and put M to bed when they came home. M did not ask me about my day at all, being taken up with their day, and what had happened at support group. And I cried myself to sleep, or started to, and then decided to send M a text saying that I was upset (they were already asleep, and waking someone up to yell at them about behavior is shitty). So, good self-advocacy, I guess.

Oh! And I bought myself a VERY BRIGHT, pretty expensive tail light. As opposed to the moderately bright, relatively cheap variety. $20 is worth it for "visible for as far as a mile". I was going to ride this morning, but I'd forgotten it was the day I drive Kay to rehearsal. Sigh. I will never get to ride again. (yes I will, but I'm feeling thwarted). My bike shop guy is learning to anticipate my whims. I won't pay for new bikes for anyone but me, but I will splash out for all the safety gear.

You know, every time I talk about some stupid, taboo, awkward, mental, or sexy health problem I have, people either thank me for giving them a name for something they have, solving a problem they didn't know was solvable, or at least helping them feel less alone. Sometimes they even help me.

With that in mind, I broke my ass. Specifically, it looks like I irritated my sciatic nerve and have something called piriformis (cf. Dr. Google). Basically, there is a muscle under your gluteus maximus (pause for adolescent giggling) that links your tailboneishness area with the hip assembly. For me, sitting tailor style on the floor is a bad idea. I stand up, and for three days it's like I have a charleyhorse on one side of my ass.

I was dumb and sat on the floor, and this has been going on for seriously like a month now. Usually it resolves, but this time, it's not, it's getting worse. Wah. Currently the things that make it better are lying down, sitting on a hot pad, and not walking. Also anti-inflammatories and muscle relaxants. My doctor and my PT both say massage and stretching. I'm doing the stretching, and it helps for about half an hour. I can't do the massage because I still need to get paid, but it's on my list. Not the lovely, luxurious Korean style massage I did for my birthday. No, massage that is probably practiced by an alarmingly fit slavic person who believes that pain is just weakness leaving the body. It is, before you ask, unpossible to do the stretching at work. It goes right beyond lewd.

Here's your takeaway. Don't break your ass. If you do feel like you have a charleyhorse right next to your tailbone all the time, start off with stretching (look up piriformis) and muscle relaxants, chemical and physical. If that doesn't work, go see your doctor and try for a massage prescription. Most insurance does not cover it, but on the bright side, it's way cheaper than an MRI. You want someone who does therapueutic or sports massage. Deep tissue massage is not going to work as well if they are not someone with a grounding in anatomy. Try not to sit on the floor if you know it ends poorly for you. Invest in heating pad stock.

Other things I have learned and would be willing to tell you about:
* Depo-Provera is great, but sometimes kills your sex drive. You can get rub-on testosterone for that.
* Intercourse gives me UTIs. You can get preventative antibiotics and take one after sex.
* I miscarry because I have low progesterone. You can take a pill to fix that. It will make you even more morning sick.
* Water-based lubes almost always have glycerine in them. It's a sugar and gives some people (me) RAGING yeast infections. Glycerol is not that much better, and often occurs in "glycerine-free" lubes. I swear by Sliquid.
* Even if you don't get your tonsils out when you're a kid, if you're still getting persistent strep as an adult, you can have them yoinked, and it was magical for me. Don't give anyone blowjobs for at least two weeks.
* If a doctor tells you something is not fixable, get a second opinion. If still no, try again in 10 years. Science changes!
* Some people have shitty tendons and ligaments. Sometimes you treat this with surgery, sometimes with PT.
* PT is not about making you hurt. It may have been in the past, but everyone I've seen in years wants me not to hurt or overdo it.
* If you have a weird reaction to a general anesthetic, ask the name and put it on your medical records as a no.
* Even though epinephrine is "natural", some people react poorly to it. Dentists have epinephrine-free anesthetics.
* Women who haven't given birth can get IUDs.
* Doctors don't know all the side effects of psychoactive drugs, like antidepressants. Wellbutrin is great, but it kills my ability to write. Try crazymeds.org.
* You are probably not taking enough of your "non-drowsy" allergy medicine. Take two pills. It may make you a little sleepy, but it will also work. The toxicity level is so low you could take 50 and not be in danger.
* The way to get a surgery referral is to explain to your doctor how $problem is affecting your ability to function. This worked for my breast reduction, my hand surgery, my tonsilectomy. If your doctor doesn't care about function, they are a bad doctor. Fire them, find someone new.
* You probably have a herpes variant. It wasn't even considered an STD until someone came up with a prescription medicine to treat it. Cold sores, wherever they occur, are pretty much the human condition. That said, don't be a dick and deliberately infect people.
* Coughs should not last more than a month. If your snot is brown or green for more than a day, you may have a bacterial infection. Never take antibiotics without a positive test.
* Antibiotics give lots of vulva-having people yeast infections. Ask for a Diflucan pill with every antibiotic prescription if you know you are prone to that.
* It should not hurt when you pee, or have sex, or swallow, or eat, or breathe. It will hurt some people, and doctors can not always help, but it's worth asking.
* Adults can get shingles, even if they're under 50, especially if they are otherwise immuno-compromised. Ask about vaccination.
* Calorie restriction can make people literally crazy.
* You are the expert at your body. You don't have to carry your medical records to every appointment, but you can/should mention things like how many times you've had strep, or what it feels like when you get hives from the cold.

Anyway, those are not all my learnings, but there are a lot. I hope it helps. You can ask me if you have other questions. I don't know everything, but I am good at research.

1) Baz is leaving for two days of school camp tomorrow. This has required the combined forces of his occupational therapist, his parents, his dean, and possibly His Holiness [otherwise unspecified]. He does not like all-male groups. He does not like the outdoors. He does not like changes in his routine or not knowing what's going to happen.

Tough, kid. This is part of what you are going to learn. Also "orienteering" is not 1-1 with "being abandoned in the wilderness". I mean, a little, but not like you're thinking. Your aunt would have sacrificed some minor body part for wilderness camp as a part of school.

Life is group projects, highness. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.

There is a note here that I should pay attention to, that he is really aggravated by feeling "unproductive". I'm pretty sure I am to blame for that, and I need to watch that shit, because it's a great way to get a burnt out kid (and a burnt out me).

2) After I drop him off tomorrow (7 am), I have a physical therapy appointment (8:30 am), not for the sciatica-like symptoms that are making my life miserable, but for the persistent elbow tendonitis that I have already had rehabbed once, but we're trying again. Then I am putting on Professional Lady Clothes and spending my day with auditors at work. And probably all week. Because they need to know where things are and... I actually don't know how I got volunteered for this, but contracting is not about being whiny when you get an assignment. Auditors scare me. I would feel less alarmed if I'd been in this position longer than 30 days and actually knew where anything was. The other guy I was counting on to help me, woh has been doing more of that, is off on a different assignment and won't be around much.

3) Halloween went great. Kay went in a pack, and Baz and M went together, and I handed out candy, and it was all very nice. Kay is leveling up in consideration, and thanked me for making her costume and also for cleaning the house for her party, both without prompting. Woo!

4) It turns out that being (subjectively) stabbed in the tailbone with an icicle does not make one want to exercise, even though once I get going, it doesn't bother me. But I really need to. It makes me happier and less stressed. But I need to get a new tail light. Mine got lost.

5) Which will be easier when I get paid, dammit. Net 30 is icky, but we are now at 32 and I am veering into cross/broke.

6) I did a pretty good job relaxing today. Wait, no I didn't, that's a lie. I went to church. Then I had a nap. That part was good. And since then I've been puttering at work on and off all day while watching football. That is not the same as relaxing. But I also managed to be relatively present, I think.

7) M and I are considering a recommitment ceremony, because 20 years/new gender identifier. Also, my wedding ring is getting tight. I think the first thing I want to work through with my therapist is how to mourn M's masculinity without making them feel shitty about "taking it away from me".

8) I may marry this heating pad, too. If M bought it for me, am I already transitively married to it?

9) I still haven't gotten to answering personal email. blah.

Kay has two friends over for the night for her birthday.

Alex predicted there would be fighting. Kay made the confused face, because she believes in the transitive power of friendship.

There was just an episode that was painful to listen to.

Alex feels that it is impossible to relate to more than one person at once, and it's just TOO HARD to make everyone happy and take care of everyone.
Bronte feels like Alex blows hot and cold, and it hurts her feelings.
Kay is earnestly confused about why two people who have been having fun together with her are suddenly at the sobbing and accusation point.

They stopped the movie and turned on the lights and had A Meeting About Feelings, and Tell The Truth or Else.

(I am in a room at the end of the hall)

My conclusions are that M is right and Alex has a crush on Kay, and also is still working on the social skill that allows light interaction with several people instead of intense interaction with one. I would like to suggest that her future self not try poly. Bronte (I am not responsible for this name, nor for the fact that it's pronounced with a long E) needs to learn to let people sulk and get over themselves without demanding immediate explanation. And Kay... has to work on advanced hosting skills that involve noticing tension and resolving it before it gets drastic.

M went and saw a shrink that the hospital had set up while he was on hold.

Not a fit. She wanted M to go do analytic work on why "he was this way", and maybe talking more about their mom.

1) No.
2) M's mom is schizoaffective, medication-resistant, and not in our life anymore.
3) M has spent 2+ years in therapy getting over mom-issues.

But!

She gave M their Adderall prescription! SAVED.

M says that I could sound slightly less relieved about that, but it's not because I can't live with them unmedicated (it's hard, but possible), it's that I cannot carry the significant load of managing someone else's transition on top of what I'm already doing.

They have an appointment at the local sexual healthcare indie on November 10, which is sooner than I asked for, but I'm actually ok. I get around to being accepting, but it just takes me a finite amount of time, and I can't shortcircuit it, no matter how much I know I will logically be fine eventually. M has a T-friendly shrink appointment "on Pearl Harbor day". Because nerds.

My paycheck should arrive soooooon. Net 30 is killing me here.

I now have life insurance, tentatively. It was an unpleasant process, and I still have to do the health check, but maybe I will stop having mild panic attacks every time someone gets too close to my bike, imagining my family orphaned and in poverty. So that is probably worth having to explain to an earnest stranger why it is that I take prescription medication.

Here in the Twin Cities, there is a support group for couples where one member is transitioning. We are gonna go give that a try. It seems like a thing that peer support would be useful for.

I went to a tech writer meetup that was mostly Code42 people, and a couple alums and one random RedHat writer who was documenting Wang machines when I was an 8 year old learning BASIC.

I forget, because I work as only-writer for so much of my time, that I'm not just a lone technical writer, and I'm not just an indie, but I'm in an odd category beyond that. It came up because we were talking about interviewing, and how much better it is to interview when you're not hungry, and more fun. And I explained that because of my specialty, I do a little research on a company and then walk in and explain to them what the first three documents they need me to write are. It makes me look like a genius, and it has a reasonably high success rate. Also, it stops them from explaining their business model to me. If I haven't figured out your business model, and you aren't in stealth mode, the first thing we need to fix is your web presence.

The three documents that people think they need first are: Installation guide, User guide, FAQ.

The three documents that people probably actually need first are: Developer onboarding, configuration, and Sandbox.
( nerdy )
But the surprising thing was that old RedHat dude said, "That requires an immense sense of yourself as a writer, and a lot of confidence. I don't know that I could do that."
....
huh?

Like, um, I am confident about my skills, and I do know that early-stage software companies are similar in a lot of ways, but I guess I had not thought about it as a "sense of self". But, yeah, I think it is. Whatever else I have imposter syndrome about, and I do, I am confident that I can write, that I can analyze a problem. I am growing more confident about technical talks. I am still panicky about managing my own business, booking flights, people not believing that I'm working, and someone figuring out that I spend a lot of time staring blankly as part of the process, but I know I can do pretty much any job.

Go me!

M has utterly and completely lost their next two months of Adderall prescriptions. We have torn the house apart looking for them, but the place I remember them is on the door to the garage, and they are not there, and the catastrophic scenario is that they fell on the floor and were mistaken for the recycling which lives right near there.

1) It is a heavily-controlled substance. The doctor CAN NOT rewrite the scrip.
2) It is illegal for the doctor's office to just call it in.
3) Our pharmacy will not hold our prescriptions in advance of other months.
4) It must be that specific piece of paper, hand-carried.
5) Baz and I take much lower doses than M does. Also, we need ours, but if the doses were close, we could fudge on weekends.
6) We are looking at 2 months. That's travel, DisneyWorld, parent visit, Christmas, without their meds.
7) The meds make it easier for M to do their CBT and avoid dangerous thoughts.

I literally cannot think of a system better designed for someone with ADHD to fuck up and get screwed over. So many moving parts, so many points of absolute and unrecoverable failure. And all this so we can prevent undiagnosed people from abusing a stimulant. But you can get 5 Hour Energy in any store at any age, so, you know, whatever.

8) The paper prescription for his TENS unit is also missing. It was in the same stack.
Crap! I wonder if everything is in my car in the bag that had the lidocaine patches. I'll have to look.
9) While they were still in the hospital, I ordered a Sleep Number bed, in the hopes it will help their sleep. October 7, to be exact. They are doing what appears to be the worst-managed upgrade in all of softwaredom. They could not enter my order until the 13th. They still "have no beds in Minnesota". And they can't tell me when they will deliver, but we are now past the 3 weeks the sales guy told me, and coming up on 3 weeks from the order entry, and I still can't get a firm date out of them on when they will deliver the fucking bed. I'm not throwing a fit about this because entitlement, I'm throwing a fit because M can't sleep, and it's a fucking medical issue. Lack of sleep is exacerbating everything else.

tl;dr: Managing medical care is a lot of work, and quite stressful.

We got our Affordable Care Act quote for insurance. $1350 a month, with a $4k deductible. We are getting NICE insurances, because if you had to deal with [see above], you would not cheap out either. The next person who tells me that transportation and food are a huge part of everyone's budget and if we just ate at home more we could save for the future is getting a GLARE. And yes, we can more-or-less afford to pay that, ouch. And then I'm kicking myself, because if I could have carved that much out all along to pay off my student loans, it would be better.

But realistically, I was paying $600/mo even with employer assistance, so.

We have to buy a car. Both cars are over 10 years old, and M's car burns oil and is missing 2/5 gears and is starting to make the wheel bearing noise and needs new tires and brakes. Mine is sounder mechanically, but M can't get into it comfortably, it leaks at the seals, and one of the back doors doesn't open. So, it is totally reasonably time to buy a car that fits four adult size people. We were really hoping that M would be able to get a job to help defray that, but I am thinking that is unlikely with everything else going on. I think "staying alive" is M's goal for the next six months. Although I'm thinking that a Christmas season job setting up 3D printer gifts could be nifty.

Tomorrow I have to go talk to someone about life insurance. That's an ~$80/mo benefit you may not realize you have working for most companies. But imagine if something happened to my family's breadwinner.

All that said, I'm ok. LT came over and let me cry on her and has been very sweet about the fact that I am a raging stressbot. The kids are great and self-sufficient. M is sweet and honest and supportive. My family of origin are sweet and caring. My friends and lovers are doing what they can to help. And we'll all just keep leveling up together, as the difficulty increases.

I have discovered that if I want to know anything about Baz's school days, the time to ask him is in the morning. This morning he volunteered that they are doing nutrition in health class, and he wants to know where the 2k calorie recommendation comes from, and what the science is behind that. So I talked to him about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment (and what a conscientious objector is). Kay pitched in by pointing out that people have very different bodies, and different levels of activity, and having a standard seemed weird. And then we talked about HAES and Baz informed me that dieting pretty much doesn't work. Soooo...the indoctrination is going well.

It'll be interesting to see how that holds up as they get older and more influences. I actually think that their moral foundation is pretty secure because we explained all the first principals of why we try to treat people justly (not fairly), and how almost everything we teach them is about justice and love.

Tonight I have a tech writer meetup, and tomorrow aforementioned insurance appointment, and Thursday meeting with a friend and Friday is Kay's birthday party/sleepover. I better not owe anyone anything on Saturday afternoon.

It was Reformation Sunday. We sang "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" with the organ going gangbusters, and then, unexpectedly, we sang, "It Is Well With My Soul", which is evidently why I felt impelled to stay for service after making breakfast for 25 teenagers.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

1. I'm on a super challenging contract right now that also entails sitting in an office all day and not being able to install anything, so my internetting is not super right now, but I do love you all.

2. Adderall adaptation going well, but it wears off almost precisely six hours after I take it. My doctor gave me a fast-acting additional pill, just like schoolkids get to do their homework. I think we should stop having meetings after 3PM, but that seems like a challenging pitch. She also treated the wart of the ball of my foot (ouch) and gave me a PT referral and checked on my mental health. She says that if a person needs to do gender transition, they could have a much worse wife than me backing them. Which was charmingly affirming.

3) I went out on a ME date last night, and it was pretty much the best thing ever (sad introvert misses working from home, and also it has been kind of a month). Well, first I went to the doctor and the DMV (finally victorious, it only took $60 worth of paperwork). Then I went to a medium-fancy restaurant, and sat outside next to the fire in the 60 degree weather, and had a sidecar and a steak and dessert. Then I went to a spa and got sauna time, and a Korean body scrub (mmmmm), and an hour of deep tissue massage. Amazing. Then I went home and finished /Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen/ which was charming. Not, like, the gut punch of some of her books, but a nice way to address that Cordelia is not a dowager. I accidentally spoiled M for /Cryoburn/, but seriously, it's been years.

4) I asked M to wait for 3 months to start hormone treatment. Well, they offered to let me negotiate the timeline. But I feel like that gives us time to establish good relationships with our respective counselors, settle down from a month of not getting paid (net30 can suck my toe) and then going to Disneyworld (yay!) and Christmas. They can do whatever else they want, but I am still working through my mourning for masculinity, and I think I will be more graceful if I get that over with at least partially before we start dealing with the emotional fluctuations of hormones.

4b) I signed up to have three pubescent people living with me at the same time? HOW DID THAT SEEM LIKE A GOOD PLAN? But Baz is almost 13, Kay is days away from 11, and how do we even count M?

5) Seriously, thank God I am on antidepressants. It's not so much that they make me "less sad", it's that they provide me more emotional resilience. I still lose my shit sometimes, but not like I would without the blessing of a chemical buffer.

5b) Although I am pretty sure that the weight gain is at least partially due to the antidepressants. Bastards. I don't mind that much in the abstract (a little. Patriarchy poisoning is hard to scrub entirely). It's that most of my professional wardrobe is from a slimmer era, and I need to work on that. Today I'm wearing a shirt that fits and I like, and it made me feel better all day.

6) I am speaking at two more conferences this year, back to back. And then going to aforementioned Disneyworld. Which would all be hunky-dorier if it weren't exactly the two weeks before enormous and immovable work deadline. Also, well, just busy everything. The talk is getting a point rewritten, and I need to practice it a couple more times.

7) I am become the mother who has ordered costume parts on Amazon. Baz is going as a Kerbal. Kay is going as a BatCat. (idk. At that age I dressed as a tube of lipstick, so...) What? No, I have no ideas for me. Did I mention that the night before Halloween we are doing an 8 person birthday party and 3 person sleepover?

8) This weekend has housework, skating practice, dog-time, costume work, church, a youth lock-in that I fortunately don't have to attend, nerf writing, and answering all the email I have put off because I didn't have time/brain. And hopefully some sewing.

I'm at PyDX in Portland.
$spouse is at JOFcon in Minneapolis.
Our children are in the capable hands of my brother.

This is all good.

Have you ever noticed how family jokes sometimes have uncomfortable truths embedded in them?

One of the jokes in my first family is about how hard it is not to talk over/through all meetings. My mom and I both have this problem, and we used to laugh about out adaptations so we were not constantly interrupting SLOW people at session/presbytery/school work circles/classes.

And then I went to exactly that kind of environment, but this time on Adderall. It TURNS OUT that I can keep from dominating a conversation with a reasonable amount of effort, not something that I would describe as superhuman. I was still active and contributed slightly more than the average person, but not so much more that someone felt a need to come remind me to let other kids have their turn talking. Nor did I have to dig my nails into my hands to keep from interjecting, or count the number of other people who had spoken before I could go again. It was unsurprisingly a richer learning experience for me.

When they had me fill out a survey, they asked me if I had trouble with finishing sentences (yes) or verbal outbursts (no), but it hadn't occurred to me that Overcontribution was a symptom.

At my current dose, it doesn't seem to be affecting my appetite or sleep. It's subtle enough that I can't always tell when it wears off. I mean, who doesn't want to take a nap at the end of the workday?

I also feel like, in this time of crisis and conflicting priorities, being medicated has also helped me triage and prioritize. By 7, I don't have that ability as much, but I only worked a half day yesterday, and the medicated but not working half of the day was pretty awesomely productive. I even managed to find myself a counselor.

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