Sometimes I wonder if Zen still made it what would of happened? I imagine I would be living some where already. I know I’d always would be afraid to leave him when I left. Things would have been easier with him by my side. But no things didn’t happen that way. I’m not that lucky. Instead life the Universe , God whoever took him away. The only thing that made me truly happy. The only thing that lighted my world and changed me. My only will, my only hope. Instead this terrible world has brought me to this spot. What to be “stronger” to show people your entire world can be taken away and you just carry the pain except that this world sucks. And your on a clock waiting like a ticking time bomb. Waiting for the doctor to say you have cancer or something else, until a car slams into and destroys your body, whatever the scenario. Anything you lose your job, your parents die. Accept life’s challenges move on, pay the next bill. Struggle the next week then the following. Then that year and the next. Do things get better ? Or do we just accept it. Look for those little moments of joy. Buy ourselves toys, makeup , clothes. Temporary happiness to fulfill the blankness we feel inside. Numb the pain. The thoughts are always there in the background cheering our depression or low self esteem. To accept this fate, to accept this is how the world is and will always always be. Animals die, friends die, love ones die. Partners die. Partners leave us for someone else. People we love turn there backs. People we trust back stab us. Life is the hardest thing. Living is hard. Surviving is hard.
People get murdered , people get sick. Some don’t even make it out after being conceived.
This is a game. A simulation of a much bigger picture we have to accept. When we look in the mirror at ourselves. Through our lens. Some can’t even do that because they have no sight, no sound. When I say I don’t want to do this. I’ll start over I don’t care, I don’t care how bad the next is. It could be worse. In this reality this the worse. Next reality could be worse too. If there is a next one. Or if we even have any choice. Because every choice could be happening now anyway. We don’t decide what happens to us. We make choices around us at all times. I will never ever believe I would have chose this. I will never believe this is all for a reason. Go tell someone who loses a child it was for a reason. Some will be lucky enough to never understand this type of pain. Why wouldn’t we all have chosen to that also? The only choice you have is right in front of you and can’t stop what you can’t see. The unseen force that isn’t “evil” isn’t “bad” it’s just the terrible part of the world we have to accept is there. The unseen parasite ready to create chaos in our lives, in our emotions in our world. Do we accept that? When will we accept that ? When I tell you my entire world is destroyed , you don’t see that. You see I’m alive and I’m walking in this world. Not controlling my mind and always being negative. I’m not saying I know everything. I know what I know and what I learned and that is my own reality. Maybe I don’t believe suicide is a cowards way out. Maybe I don’t believe in hell. Maybe I accept that those people had enough. Some people might feel I’m filled with negativity and I should just stay positive. Everyone wants to help with no idea how. We are all figuring this out. And sadly some can handle my pain and suffering and some can’t. There is no real book to life and all the possibilities. There are so many possibilities. Like the possibility that ZEN COULD have made it. And I would not be suffering so much with no real easy way out without making more people in pain. I know it’s hard for people to lose people they love and care about. I’m positive those people love and miss you also. But honestly who knows if pain and sadness is even a emotion after this phase in your evolution. Maybe emotions like that don’t exist. Maybe those people who move to the next whatever there is don’t have to suffer like us on earth. What if that is there ending. Think about the people that get tortured or suffer extreme amounts of pain before they leave. Physical pain, mental pain. All the same. Labeled emotions. We go through so much. All the same kind of pain in different levels. We all know happiness. We know what makes us smile. We live in having dreams for ourselves. A future. A future that isn’t a promise. But all roads lead to some where. Unknown. Because we don’t know and we never will.

I might look like some Woman that is lost. Being childish. Needs to grow up. Addicted to pain and depression. Just wants attention. Well here’s to that. 🖕I am not better then anyone. You don’t need to understand me. You don’t need to accept what I say what I believe. But there are people who do. People that will read this. Keep life interesting because you don’t know what is next. None of us do. I am Psychic I’ve probably been my entire life. It’s built inside of you also. However it isn’t 100% future predictor. Nothing in this world will ever ever be. I don’t even know if that is some label “psychic” All I know is whatever source it is, wherever it comes from. All I do know from over thousands of experiences and proof that I do have. That it is apart of what our minds are capable of . Tapping into whatever makes us who we are. Anyway , you don’t have to believe me. But thank you for accepting me no matter what you believe. Just like now what I wrote is who I truly am inside. Sadly however , I am accepting a lot which had given me courage to be authentic in this post on my beliefs. I’m accepting the only thing i have is in front of me. And the road ahead is blank. That pain and suffering is all my heart feels. I do see the wonderful , beautiful moments in life. From a outsiders view. I still laugh and smile and treat people with love. (Maybe some don’t agree but those people don’t know me, or bothered to understand) I don’t hate anyone. I accept you however you are. Because no one should really judge someone else’s life. Even if you have handled things differently then me. It might have worked for you. Doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong. I help those who accept me. I can tell you the strength of that goes a long way. I point those in the best direction I can as I see there patterns. I see them. Not many people are actually willing to see people and accept them . But it’s something the world is slowly figuring out. I can tell you what caused this post. But you would judge. And no I’m not high 😂 but you’d def contact facebook anonymously so they can remind me of my fake support system that hides behind a screen. Or maybe they think the only answer is therapy. Talking about our emotions with a “professional” who’s read or heard other people’s problems then offering you the best advice. Which is great. Hearing others who have experienced the same pain and trauma does help. Being there for others helps me. Because I don’t tell some bullcrap fantasy, the pain will never go away. Sure talking to people helps. I know. But for now I’ll tell you. Do the things you want to do. Just don’t say you will. Time does run out. ⏳ don’t let anything stand in your way. For me my hour glass is shattered there is no putting the sand back. It happens to many of us. I don’t know how much time I have left but I have been doing things I should have done along time ago.