Building Confidence: Unapologetically Embracing Uniqueness

Remember that everything in life is temporary.
Nobody actually give a f*ck about you like that. They have their own lives.
We’re not all going to be friends. Deal with it. Not everyone is going to like you.
Not giving an eff is not a license to be indifferent. It means being comfortable with being different.
Build a life you like, like the life you have. Appreciate what you have and stop being bothered by others business.
Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.
Stop seeking validation from others. Your worth and value don’t depend on others approval or acceptance.

Count Your Blessings

Keeping up with the Jones’ is never easy. The pursuit of material wealth prevents us from living in the moment due to our inability to be content with where we are, who we are and what we are. Wanting more is not a bad thing but when it is the sole reason for being that is a problem.

Planning for the future is necessary. One future is our ultimate future when our soul leaves this material plane to continue on in eternity, if you adhere to such a belief system. The other future is more immediate and keeps us humble as we evaluate our current circumstances and determine if we are doing what is best for ourselves and our family. This could include the home you live in, the job you have, the city you reside in or the amount of savings you have. Preparing for the future is responsible. Fixating on a better future at the expense of the here and now can be unhealthy.

It is important to be thankful for what we have. Our health, our lives, our loved ones, our shelter, our meals, our minds, etc. There is no end to the blessings that have been bestowed upon us. When things are going well it is easy to ignore our faith and take for granted our circumstances but when we are in need we are equally as quick to turn to our faith to ask for assistance. Being thankful each and every day grounds us and allows us to establish an appreciative mindset. What you have now can be gone in the blink of an eye. If our eyes are focused on what could be we will never truly appreciate what it actually is.

My Thoughts

Calm within a Storm

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Opening ourselves to the litany of faults and fibs in the world leaves you wondering if there is any hope for any of us. Railing against the establishment as part of the ‘woke’ generation has become the acceptable jihad of today. Pointing out the flaws and inequities in society requires one to be grounded in oneself and emotionally aware of when stepping back is necessary. Constantly pushing against a wall leaves you exhausted both mentally and physically. When the wall refuses to move or even acknowledge your efforts can you leave you demoralized.

When one looks at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and juxtaposes that with Blackfoot Nation Culture it is remarkable to see the difference in how one perceives self. When looking at the diagram below the concept of ‘self actualization’ only comes after all other needs are met from a Western Perspective but First Nation’s culture has ‘self actualization’ as a foundation and pillar of a healthy society. In order to help others and to make change you first have to know who you are. You have to be the calm in the storm.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Western Perspective vs First Nation Perspective

To be woke requires one to be awake and aware. You cannot venture out in the storm without sound footing. You can not push against the wall if you are floating in air. Being conscious of who you are and allowing your mind to rest will give you the necessary strength to move forward to community and cultural actualization. This is why watching so many young people railing against a system, that needs to be reformed, is frustrating because so many of them have not come to terms with their own sense of self. The motivation is that the system is broken but part of fixing the system is coming to terms with who you are and what your role in the system has been and will be.

My Thoughts

The Leopard’s Spots

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Lulled into complacency. When you step back from the fray and allow yourself time to reset you sometimes forget what led you to that decision. You lose touch with those that drove you to isolation and start remembering the good times. You ask yourself if things might be different the next time; that somehow your purposeful distance has given all parties time to reflect and reset. You draw closer thinking that being the bigger person is the noble gesture and holding out an olive branch is going to make all the pain worthwhile. If you find yourself in this situation remember one thing…. the leopard never changes it spots.

Putting your hand out will only get it bit off and laying down your defences will only result in more pain and disappointment. Trust the reason for your withdrawal and remember that your instincts are meant to protect you and not put you in harm’s way. If you question the sincerity of someone, trust that feeling. If you think the other person has not taken responsibility for their actions, trust that feeling. Always trust your self-preservation instincts and protect those close to you. Standing your ground and not allowing your defences to come down is not an act of aggression but an act of empathy. Empathy for yourself and those in your care. If you found yourself walking towards that leopard take a look and see if those spots look any different,

My Thoughts

Unclutter Your Mind

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Deleting the baggage of the past from your memory is a difficult thing to do. People, places, sounds, smells bring back memories that can sometimes be painful. Stepping into a world of peace and calm requires removal of thoughts that keep us weighted in the past. Easier said than done, speaking from experience.

Some things that have helped me in moving closer to uncluttering my mind is changing the rules of the game. If you are always looked upon as the ‘go-to’ person and that has led to some hurt feelings then allow others to step into the spotlight. If you are continuously around people that add negativity to your life, remove yourself from the equation. If engaging in certain topics of conversation land you in hot water, remain silent. You can’t expect things to change of you don’t make some changes. The parameters have to adjust in order for your environment to return to a healthy balance. This balance will allow you to reset and regain your sense of self.

My Thoughts

Change is Not an Option

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Advancements in science and technology are a common occurrence. We never stop question the need for change or the search for knowledge and understanding. We have come to expect and anticipate changes in medical science, computer technology and educational pedagogy. We live in a world that is significantly different than the one we lived even ten years ago. As human beings we are surrounded by change, innovation and advancements yet we resist change within ourselves.

Friends that we had ten years ago we know longer keep in touch with. The music you listen to have changed as has the movies you watch. The time you spend socializing may have changed along with the time you spend at work. All of these are signs of change within your mind, body and soul and a shift in your beliefs, desires and priorities. Why do we question ourselves when we approach situations differently than we would have in the past? Why do we question ourselves when our perspectives vary from what they once were? Why do we question when we have little time for drama and distraction? Why do we question when our priorities shift to a simpler way of life? All of these changes are natural, nuanced and necessary. Necessary because nothing remains the same for the entirety of its life. If it does it has a short lifespan or becomes obsolete quickly.

When diving into your own beliefs and understandings of the world you draw upon past experiences. Those experiences, from that perspective, worked at that moment in time. Today, with your cumulative experience and wisdom, you allow yourself multiple perspectives. You allow yourself to change your outlook depending on the time and space you are in. Not doing this dooms you to repeat the mistakes of the past and remain stagnant in your own evolution. Despite our efforts to resist, change is not an option it is an inevitability.

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What do people say about you?

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What do people say about you? How are you thought of at home, at work, in your community? The outward face people present to you is not always genuine or reflective of how you are thought of or perceived. So do you know what people truly think of you?

Much of our life journey is finding that sense of belonging. To set a rhythm of life that continually beats and moves as you navigate the trials and tribulations. As you engage in this dance you encounter people that you will see at different stages of this dance and at different times. This context sets the baseline of what people perceive you to be. You then decide how you move from this baseline, or do you? You will present a certain way to certain people at certain times. This may remain consistent or shift given time, comfort and experience. So does your narrative. Your public resume that is not for you to write but rather for others to complete.

Some people will always see you as warm and compassionate. Others will see you as cold and calculating. Others still will see you as calm and rationale while others will see you as explosive and volatile. All of these are true reflections of who you are. They all represent different beats in your life rhythm and different stages of your dance. Now the question of what people say or think about you becomes mute because it depends on who they are and what context they see you in. By exhibiting a variety of faces you allow your narrative to shift and develop organically. Only those people fortunate enough to see you in multiple contexts can develop a more comprehensive resume for you. So who sees you in all contexts? You do.

You are the only one that lives with all facets of your life, all movements in your dance and all beats in your rhythm. Only you truly define your narrative and complete your resume. Ultimately the opinions of others matter little versus your opinion of yourself. If you allow your resume to be written by others you will undoubtedly live to please others and compromise your own sense of self. Imagine sitting at a desk interviewing yourself…. what would you say about yourself? At the end of the day isn’t that all that matters?

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How to Manage Conflict

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In my line of work, conflict is an every day occurrence. I am required to listen and resolve situations in a fair and compassionate manner. In my personal life I am more of a conflict avoider not out of fear but out of choice. If something matters to you then fight for it. If it doesn’t matter as much then choose to either walk away or find a resolution that will leave you satisfied.

The key to it all is listening with the intent to understand, not reply. Too often we listen to respond and simply wait for the other person to finish so we can speak. In that time you have not heard what the person was saying or tried to understand their perspective or feelings. Don’t give in to the urge to respond but rather listen intently and ask clarifying questions to truly understand the persons feelings. By clearing your mind of your own thoughts you open yourself up to perceive more than just the words being spoken. You become aware of tone, body language, eye movement, facial gestures and hand movements. All of these provide insight into the persons demeanour and adds context to what they are saying. You also become acutely aware of your own non-verbal signals and can readjust to provide full attention and receptiveness.

Another pitfall is thinking we need to have an immediate solution. You are not doing your job if you don’t solve the problem and send the person on their way. On the contrary, take the time to reflect on what you have just been told and seek guidance on what the next steps should be. Politely tell the person you have heard what they have said and need time to reflect before providing some guidance. The conflict arises when we don’t listen and jump to judgement without really understanding the dynamics of the situation or the impact your decision may have.

Allowing yourself time to reflect will remove any personal bias you may have with the people involved and allow you time to draw upon past experience or seek guidance from others. Conflict need not be an unpleasant state. It is a problem waiting for a solution, nothing more, nothing less. If personal feelings enter the equation then this is all the more reason to take time to allow emotions to subside and rationale thought to prevail.

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Searching with Intent

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Words without meaning and actions without intent; both symptoms of a life without clear purpose and moral guidance. If your actions do not match your words then the words are best unsaid. Expectation is an uncompromising emotion that more often than not leads to disappointment and resentment. It is important to align your words with your actions so as to avoid disappointment or disappointing others.

Coupled with this is consistency of word and action. Achieving comfort with someone when you can rely on them and predict their next steps takes a long time to achieve. The length of time it takes to achieve this is exponentially related to the amount of time it takes to lose this trust. It can take years to achieve and minutes to lose. So how do we avoid this? Find your intent!

When you have a purpose you have a goal, a target, a way to measure success. Each action should ultimately lead to achieving your ultimate purpose. If this is the case you will not deviate from your intent and your actions and words will resonate through this common purpose. Your actions become predictable and the expectations placed on you become realistic and attainable. When we allow our feelings and actions to be impacted by others we deviate from this intent. We question our actions, words and motives. We engage in harmful self-talk. Bring yourself back to centre and re-engage your intentions. Daily contemplation allows us to recharge our batteries off intention and remove the inevitable barriers and obstacles placed in front of us.

If your intention is to find happiness and inner peace then you will not allow distractions to move you away from your intent. On the contrary, each distraction will feed your inner purpose and strengthen your resolve in achieving your intention. The alternative is too damaging and painful to be considered. Harnessing your inner dialogue to move you through these distractions will bring purpose to your words and consistency to your actions. Searching for your intent is the crucial first step.

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Internal Recalibration

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Events in life are all opportunities for learning. Contemplation and reflection allows a person to evolve and adjust course when a substantial event occurs. Rationale thought in the heat of the moment is difficult to secure so purposeful change only comes through analysis and evaluation after the fact. Not unlike an experiment where the success or failure of a trial can only be established once the trial is complete, life requires solitude to allow the mind to evaluate the trial.

Not allowing yourself this time will only fuel feelings of regret, doubt and inadequacy. The evolution of the mind comes with time and through pausing the chaos of the day to allow calm and thought. Our inner dialogue is the one true compass we have been provided and it is only when we engage this conversation that true reflection can occur.

If you are someone that sacrifices your time for others, you are not alone. This is what the vast majority of us do on a daily basis. Interacting with others provides the content for your inner dialogue. Without this we become consumed with ourselves and find reaching out to others to be difficult. Balance is key to a healthy mind and through episodes of other and self can we engage the level of rationale thought required to be social beings grounded in the present having already moved through the evolution of the past while constantly preparing ourselves for what comes next.