Why Can’t Women Put Themselves First?

The immediate trigger to write this comes from a phone call that I had with my mother the other day. She is in her early 60s and has been sick for the past week, and the minute she gets any better, she decides to deep clean the house and cook for the family and guests! Needless to say, she becomes ill again.

I have seen her work tirelessly for us all my life. The image of her walking towards the house after a long day at school (she worked as a government school teacher) is still vivid in my mind. A tired saree-clad woman with an unwavering smile, carrying a cover containing the answer sheets to be valued on one hand and a cover full of fresh white sardines on the other.

She used to sit on a small stool in the backyard, legs crossed, with a clay pot full of tiny fishes. It must have been painstaking to clean them after a long day at work. But she did it anyway, for us, for love. I used to ask her to fry the fish till they turned crisp so that I could devour them like chips. I am so full of guilt and shame right now that I let my mother work so hard. I could have eaten my rice and veggies without the crunchy fish fries, but I simply didn’t. Forgive me Ma.

Perfection and People-pleasing

I grew up without learning much of the basic cooking skills. I used to tell my parents, “Let me be free now, I’ll have to cook once I get married anyway!” And how true that turned out to be! It was only after my marriage that I realized the true worth of all that my mother did for us. The simple ‘Rasam’ was not that simple to make, nor was the ‘Sambhar’, fish curry, or my favorite fish fries.

During my one-year stay at my in-laws’ place after our marriage, I helped my mother-in-law with the household chores as much as I could. I learned to cook and clean. I did the dishes at the end of the day. I often refused help from my husband who wanted to do the chores. Because I was dead set on becoming the “perfect” daughter-in-law and wife who could handle household chores like a pro and still keep the smile on her face intact.

Deconstructing the Perfect Woman Conundrum

It took me only another year to realize that I can’t be perfect in every regard. I can’t please anyone if I don’t stay true to myself. Eventually, the people-pleaser in me died a slow and silent death. I refuse to cook a three-course meal every single day. I no longer care about what others might think when I leave my husband alone for a week or two to visit my favorite city. And I am going to ask for help when I need it. And no, I won’t clean or cook until I have fully recovered from an illness. Phew.

Dear reader, don’t take the bait of any society or culture that glorifies its women as perfect creatures. Dear fellow woman, do yourself a favor and do not try to emulate a goddess who can do no wrong and who puts the happiness and well-being of others while ignoring her own health and happiness.

Look after yourself, learn to say no, and remember to put your feet up, and rest.

And most of all, learn to put yourself first.

August 23, 2023 0

Unconditional

I closed my eyes, 
and memories carried me to his side

In a house inundated with rose blooms and peaches,
I entered along with the wind, through the half-opened Mahagony door

Laughter encircled my gloom, 
his gorgeous laughter that always made my eyes spark with joy

I saw them on the balcony, him and her
Her head resting on his shoulders, with the curls covering his hands

His face told of the happiness that she gave him as they stood in a tight embrace
I turned around and tiptoed down the stairs,

Smiling through my tears.

August 23, 2023 0

My Guardian Angel

On some nights when sleep eludes me, and the pillow gets drenched in tears,

He comes

I see his silhouette, in the shadow cast by dim lights

And the glint in his eyes as his steps draw closer to me,

eagerly waiting to tell me a hundred stories of grit and perseverance

I listen to him in awe, and my whimpers fade away and a smile breaks in,

He plants a kiss on my forehead and leaves

We shared the same womb,

He and I,

I came out of it to live in this world while he vanished into the ether

There are no traces of him around me, but I know he is always a thought away

My guardian angel

June 15, 2022 0

Top 5 Morning Habits to Follow for a Productive Day

Do you find yourself cranky and lacking in energy the whole day? If yes, perhaps it’s time to pay some close attention to your morning routine. It’s an ancient adage that how you spend your morning often sets the tone for your entire day. Having a productive morning routine is one of the most important steps to follow in order to achieve a super-productive day.

So let’s have a look at the top five morning habits that would help you to have a thriving day and life ahead!

Keep Your Phone Away

Most of us are on autopilot every morning as our hands reach out for our phones in the garb of checking the time. And before we know it, we have blissfully fallen into the abyss of social media and are mindlessly scrolling on Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter, YouTube, and the likes of it.

Sure, all of this ensures instant gratification, but also messes up with your mood, as you have just started your day by subconsciously comparing your life to that of the reel life of your online friends and influencers.

Make it a habit to stay clear of social media at least for the first hour after waking up. Keep your phone out of your reach, and use apps to block social media usage. If you are still not convinced, spend some time thinking about how spending time on social media is stealing your quality time that can be used to pursue worthwhile goals.

Make Your Bed/ Organize Your Room

Well, I have tried both, making my bed the first thing in the morning, neatly spreading the blanket edges and poofing the pillows, and at last, taking a step back to enjoy the glorious-looking bed.

I have also blatantly ignored how my bed looked, the creased bed sheets and the blanket hanging too low, almost touching the floor. How my day panned out after following each of these ways was so different.

Making my bed first thing in the morning gave me a sense of accomplishment and pride, a feeling that rubbed on to all the ensuing activities of the day!

Keep a Gratitude Journal

Life is too short and beautiful to keep worrying about things that aren’t under our control. And there are many things in life that one should feel grateful for: the gift of life, the birds chirping in the morning, the kindness that we receive from people, the roof over our head, the good health of people we love…the list goes on and on!

Starting your day with a reminder of all the good things in life will give you a lot of positivity, hope, and energy. Try to list down 10 things that you are grateful for every morning and watch as it changes your outlook towards life.

Exercise

Be it pilates, yoga, running, badminton, or brisk walking, exercise does wonders to your body and mind. Take out your workout gear the night before and keep them in a place where you can see them, this helps to reduce the activation energy and helps to get you to move the next morning.

If you are someone who dreads exercising and movement, start small and observe what a few minutes of exercising does to the well-being of your body and mind.

Practice Mindfulness

Find a quiet place, and try to take your mind away from all the noise from inside and outside. Practicing mindfulness is an effective way to bring some order into your life. Try to be relaxed by focussing on your breath.

There are different ways to practice mindfulness; all involve paying attention and living in the moment. For example, step out into your garden and observe the beauty of the plants, trees, and flowers. Completely soak in the moment and feel grateful to have beheld that sight.

Before you Go

These are the five morning habits on the top of my list to ensure a productive day.

Don’t limit your morning routine to these 5 habits, there are a lot of other productive habits that you can follow to make the most of your day. Feel free to experiment and choose the ones that work best for you.

And remember — Practice is key!

June 15, 2022 0

Detachment

A lazy evening, laid back in my chair
I looked at my feet, adorned with gold anklets,
I used to pause every now and then to take a good glance at them,
Admiring the carvings and thinking how they made my feet look good

I had cried once when one of them had got broken
And dad got them fixed for me and I was happy again,

But tonight, I decided to take them off,
For they were just anklets and not my happiness anymore,
I looked at my feet, heard them telling me how tired they had become of carrying the weight around,
I kept them away in the cupboard, away from my sight,
I sat in my chair again,
After having learnt a thing or two about detachment.

September 28, 2021 0

4 Effective Ways to Increase your Productivity – A Practical Guide

“ It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little. Do what you can.” – Sydney Smith

More often than not, we find ourselves caught in the cobwebs of inactivity and idleness. It is a vicious circle that no one wants to be ensnared in, but often we lack the strength to come out of it. Maintaining a productive lifestyle could be the answer to several problems that you come across in day-to-day life.

Here are 4 effective ways to increase your productivity. Make these a part of your daily routine and start living the life of your dreams!

SCHEDULE YOUR TIME:

As Arnold Bennett famously said in his book How to Live on 24 hours a Day,

“ Time is the inexplicable raw material of everything”.

Make it a habit to schedule your time. Create to-do lists and budget your time accordingly so that you reach a step closer to your goal every single day. Don’t forget to prioritize the listicles in your to-do list and most importantly, stick to it. Scheduling will also help in identifying the unproductive activities that take up so much of your time.

2. EXERCISE REGULARLY: Research shows that exercise is beneficial not only for the body but also for the mind. Exercising not only elevates your mood but also helps in making your mind sharper. Be it walking, aerobics, pilates, or yoga, find the one that is best suited for you and start doing it. So don’t think twice when you are about to work out the next time and see the wonders it does to your body and mind.

Image Source: indiatoday.in

3. GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA: It is indeed very easy to get caught in the spell of Instagram or Youtube, but it can significantly shrink your productivity. Thanks to the surge in social media usage in the recent past, the attention span of humans is said to have reduced from 12 seconds in 2000 to 8 seconds in 2013, which is just 1 second below that of a goldfish! Try to make use of apps like YourHour that can track your screen time and help you minimize digital distractions.

4. KEEP YOUR SURROUNDINGS CLEAN:

Make sure that you keep your surroundings clean and tidy. Even seemingly unimportant habits can drastically improve your productivity. Charles Duhigg, in his book The Power of Habit, notes that “making your bed every morning is correlated with better productivity, a greater sense of well-being, and stronger skills at sticking with a budget.” So don’t hesitate to fold that blanket the next morning!

You can improve the quality of your life by consciously making efforts to increase your productivity. Make these habits a part of your daily routine and notice the changes. It is said that it takes 21 days to form a new habit, it won’t be easy, but you will get there soon enough. Go ahead and attain all those goals and dreams that you have been putting off due to procrastination.

July 22, 2021 0

What if Empathy was Everyone’s Second Nature!

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” – Henry David Thoreau

What is empathy? Often, we tend to confuse it with the word sympathy, which just means feeling pity or sorrow for someone else’s misfortune. Helen Reiss, the author of The Empathy Effect writes that empathy is an ability to perceive others’ feelings (and to recognize our own emotions), to imagine why someone might be feeling a certain way, and to have concern for their welfare.

In the third grade, all of us were asked by the Moral Science teacher to “ step into another’s shoes and think”. I closed my eyes and imagined wearing my friend’s new black shoes, opening the buckles and feeling my feet inside, and finding a pebble in it! It took me a couple more years to truly understand the meaning of empathy.

As a child who was bullied and as an adult who still sometimes hears unkind remarks, I often think how wonderful the world would be if everyone was empathetic. Although a utopian vision, I try to imagine such a world.

NO BULLIES

Nobody will pull you down for anything- be it your height, weight, or complexion. No condescending attitude from anyone, only words of encouragement to lift your spirits up.

NO ONE IS JUDGEMENTAL

Everyone tries to understand your situation. Nobody would look down upon your life choices. No more snide remarks about your personal choices, or about a plan that didn’t work out, or a feat that you couldn’t achieve.

NO CONFLICTS

No misunderstandings, no ego clashes, everybody understands one another and has their well being in mind.

EVERYBODY IS CONFIDENT

Imagine how the self-confidence and self-worth of children will increase when they are treated by the school teachers with respect and warmth instead of harsh disciplinary actions. They will grow unbound and will become confident adults with a strong sense of self-worth and resolve.

EVERYBODY IS COMPASSIONATE

Empathy is more than feeling pity for others. When we show empathy, specific parts of our brain get activated, and we tend to feel the pain of another. Compassion and love will spark.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

― Leo Buscaglia

It could be too good a world to be true. But all of us can surely try to improve our empathetic nature and how we choose to interact with others. We should choose to become better listeners and make use of all those opportunities where we get a chance to stand up for others and lend our voice to them.

July 21, 2021 4

My 2020 Journey: A Reflection

Like everyone else, my new year also started with a lot of hopes and dreams. As the year unfolded itself, a sense of doom hung over all those hopes and dreams.

Nobody had anticipated that the world would be engulfed in a deadly pandemic in the most awaited year of the century. I tried not to imagine the pain of those who have lost their loved ones.

It was easy for me to do that, cocooned in the comfort of my home, far away from the hue and cry of all mishaps.

2020 was still a struggle for me, like the many years that had preceded it. I still dwelled over the could have beens and what if’s and wondered what trajectory my life would have taken if I hadn’t made the mistakes I made.

A life changing incident happened to me in 2020 and I sure learnt my lessons from it.

A DISEASE SCARE AND GROWING APPRECIATIVE OF THE WONDER THAT LIFE IS

I lived my life pretty laid back and took everything for granted- all the comforts, all the blessings, and all the beautiful souls that added colour to my life.

One day, I found a lump in my body and that wasn’t going away. The radiologist used scary terms in her report to describe it. Aghast, I was asked to wait a couple more days until the final reports came.

The fear and uncertainty made me ponder over the meaning of life and how I spent my days. I was prepared to succumb to the “illness” even before my reports came. I still remember that breezy day with drizzle, when I strolled in our garden admiring the beauty of the plants and trees, the butterflies and cuckoos and crows. I wanted to enjoy that sight when I’ve still got time. I couldn’t remember the last time I did all that. I had been there many times before, mostly to chat with my parents while they relaxed in the shade, sipping their tea. But now, my eyes were wide open, enjoying the nature in all its glory. I wished I had done all this much before.

Weeks later, my reports came, it wasn’t the dreaded C-word. There was nothing to worry about.

Pangs of relief and gratitude echoed in our home.

And I sure learned a thing or two about the enigma that life is.

Nobody is here forever. In the larger scheme of things, our existence may not even matter. But as long as we are here, our thoughts and actions can indeed make a difference.

Be grateful; for this life, for the kindness people shower upon us, for the beauty of nature that surrounds us.
Be empathetic: Don’t be so quick to judge others, we don’t know their journey, we don’t know their struggles.
Be kind: Sometimes, your one smile or a word of encouragement can go a long way in bringing light to someone’s life. Do it.
Be mindful of your health: I can’t emphasize this point enough. Exercise, watch what you eat, do things that make your mind happy.

Live life to the fullest!

July 21, 2021 4

The Other Woman

The sobs on the other side of the phone had shattered her to the core

She looked at their first photo together
“I have never been this happy before!”, he had told her, beaming

For he had once and for all found his happiness, in her and only her

“You are mine”, he whispered in her ears
“And you are …mine?”

She was brought back to her senses by the knocks on the door,
He had come for her

But the knocks went unanswered,
Calls, dodged

She was his, but he wasn’t hers to keep,

She left

But robbed his smile off him forever

June 30, 2020 0

To Trust or Not To

When was the last time that somebody let you down? Made promises in abundance and walked away like it meant nothing?

I remember the day when an old professor of ours threw open a question to the class : “Why is it that people don’t trust each other these days?”, as if it’s the most foolish thing to do, to not trust one another. He lectured on the importance of trusting one another, having faith in the people whom you love and so on. And my fellow-mates didn’t waste another second in expressing their dismay on how “the current generation” is wanting in trustworthiness and a set of other desirable qualities.

You might take me for a fool if I tell you that I had blindly trusted every single soul in my life (yes, go ahead and laugh at my face). I had this notion that if I am good to someone, they will pay back in the same coin. For example, loyalty and warmth will attract loyalty and warmth, as simple as that.

It took my “best friend” to make me realize that the world is also an abode of Janus-faced people. I loved him dearly and trusted him with my life. All it took him was a bunch of white lies to prove to me that the world didn’t work the way I had imagined. I still care for him a great deal in the heart of my hearts. But he taught me one of the most important lessons in my life : People will lie and break your trust without batting an eyelid. The trust breachers will have their own reasons to justify their act and god knows how, they could be right in their mind.

Maybe his betrayal was god’s way of putting some sense into my head and saying : Welcome to the real world dear! It sucks!

Oh Come-on! What did you expect? Lord Eddard Stark of Winterfell who sacrificed his life to protect his honor?

Yes, their could be outliers. But once you are betrayed of your trust, you just won’t trust again. It’s like somebody robbing you off your innocence and faith. You’ll feel helpless and disappointed. You’ll desperately want to be your old self again, but you just can’t. You’ll be cautious of people, their thoughts and intentions for the rest of your life.

But, you must trust again. Not in a person/idea or belief, but in yourself.

When faced with a problem, don’t expect that a god high up in the sky will sort it out for you. Instead, pay attention to the god within yourself, your conscience. Trust your gut, learn from your mistakes and stay observant. Remain as genuine and as good as you were before. Don’t let pretence or chicanery change you as a person for bad.

As some wise man once said : “Adversity is the best teacher”. Instead of asking others for help, look within yourself and you will find all the answers.

Forgive, Let Go and Get On with your life.

Smile and tell yourself : It was for the best ^_^

August 2, 2018 0

Adversities and the F*cks Given

Reading Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” was one of the best things that I did to myself in the recent past. The self-proclaimed potty-mouthed author shows us why we need to give less f*cks in life and much more in this generation-defining self-help guide.

I read it twice ; the first time when my life was all rosy and cozy, the second time when it came crumbling down. I got to admit that I appreciated it more during the second read.

The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

It made me question the resentment that I felt towards the people who had wronged me and the situations that had disappointed me. Why would I waste even a single thought on the negative experiences that I have encountered in life? Finding the silver lining in the clouds, they say.
Even if you can’t control a situation, you can always be in charge of how you respond to it. You can whine, get angry or learn your lesson and move on with your life. It’s your call and that makes all the difference.
“With great responsibilities comes great power”. Be 100% responsible for whatever is happening in your life, that way you won’t let extraneous elements screw up your life ever again.
Value your sufferings and learn from your struggles. What are they trying to teach you?
Failure is the way forward.
Learn to say NO.
Build trust in a world where words and actions lie.

Well, the lessons are plenty and Mark’s words are strong enough to uplift a crushed soul. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve their life.

August 1, 2018 0

The Accidental Loners a.k.a the Introverts

The other day, I got to see the movie “Matilda”, a 1996 fantasy movie about a wonderful girl who happens to be a genius. Completely shunned by her parents and brother, she found solace in reading books. Watching the movie, I couldn’t help but think about my lonely childhood days, when my brother and I were mostly left to the care of our working- parents’ relatives.

I wish I could tell my parents that it wasn’t the best idea to leave one’s children with others, no matter how thick the blood was. We never befriended children of our age or went to playgrounds. Even during holidays, we were mostly left alone at home, as mom and dad would have left for work, leaving thick story books at the table for us to read. Both of us grew up to be total recluses who found solace only in the company of books and cartoon programs.

At school , I longed to make friends, but my reserved demeanor was not always helpful. As I grew older, my smile fainted more , I became more or less complacent and my thoughts alone became my happy place. I no longer bothered to initiate conversations or even smile at acquaintances, all of it had rather became “too much work” for me .

Later, I was lucky enough to find a couple of friends who saved me from the tag of a near sociopath. Nevertheless, I had become what the world called an Introvert.When I look back, being an introvert was never my choice, in fact I wanted to befriend as many as possible and always wanted to have fun.

But as life unfolded itself, I realized that it is okay to be socially awkward, it is okay if you don’t have a 100 friends, it is okay to quietly read in your room rather than to party hard.

Life is pretty good this way too 🙂

Shout-out to all the introverts out there! — It is okay to be different guys ❤

March 1, 2018 0