A Narwhalian Comedy in Three Acts It was the best of flushes; it was the worst of flushes. It was the hottest day of May on record. Narrowly surpassing the previous hottest day on record, which had occurred scarcely twenty-four hours before. The sun beat mercilessly upon the Surrey hills. Birds fell silent. Asphalt softened. TJ appeared in speedos, and all hope of human dignity perished entirely. Yet lo! The noble Narwhals journeyed forth in high spirits, bound for the

Prior to our aquatic skirmish, agents George, TJ, and Will embarked on a covert reconnaissance mission to Nando’s. Objective: secure pre-game sustenance, test mild sauces, and ensure optimal levels of energy without consuming legumes. Mission accomplished. Chicken consumed, tactical discussions held over garlic bread, and our heroes returned to base ready for war. Phase One: The Calm Before the Storm Kick-off saw Narwhal forces slightly depleted, with Captain Shute arriving

10-9-8-7-6…. It isn’t the countdown for Narwhals blasting off to their round trip to High Barnet. The table has lost the plot on the scores again. Two weeks ago, El Presidente Ogg announced to tired eyes Narwhals. We were the first nation to set foot on the moon, cough, Enfield. Sure, the Croydon people have a very poor living standard, limited healthcare and a disproportionately high number of one ethnicity in the ‘justice’ system, but we will go to Enfield again. A hastily

Edward “Wobble” Gamble (definitely no relation to the comedian) is known for three things: wobbling, his hatred of anyone who drinks cider and wobbling. However, a little-known fact is that he somehow manages to be the only man to assist every goal that the Narwhals have ever scored. Today was an even stranger phenomenon where he somehow was recorded as having every assist in a game against Enfield 2s despite being nowhere on the match sheet. I could sense a conspiracy was af