Some sins sometimes feel too big to forgive. With chronic consequences like Adam and Eve…
How do you begin to explain or justify the inexcusable…
Or tell someone that you didn’t mean to break their heart, it will be okay and the bleeding will stop one day; when you dropped their heart, watched it slip without flinching or trying to stop it from falling and shattering into a million pieces?
Make it look like I was framed when reality is that I set myself up, and fell for it too.
It wasn’t premeditated but preventable…I guess it doesn’t matter if it all ends up the same way!
How do you explain (even to yourself) that you weren’t thinking when you did it yet you were sober as a priest?
Shit happens…when you let it.
Why, now that’s the unexplained part…
How do I always end up the heartless bitch yet I started off with good intentions?!
How do I say sorry when it’s too little too late?...or are those who cheat on loved ones confined to a doomed fate?
Now I know why the conservatives encourage youth not to get into relationships (especially sexual ones) at a young age, (but my big headed smart ass had to find this out-well more like confirm since I was warned-the hard way ) and not to date a lot but rather settle down with one person quickly…experience in love is scaring.
Growing pains perhaps…or battle wounds?
Either way it fucking hurts, and leaves a mark too…
Showing posts with label him. Show all posts
Showing posts with label him. Show all posts
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The curious phenomenon of alcoholism...
I met up with a friend recently, a friend I had been avoiding for sometime. But since I had sorted things out between me and him and him, I saw no harm in meeting up with him.
What could happen? Apart from some flirting which I could handle…Plus he insisted.
He wanted to come over at home, but I thought it would be better to go somewhere else where shit cant just happen (thanks to the scrutinizing eye of the public)...yet not too public, somewhere we can assume the 'anonymous-couple-talking-at-a-cafe' facade, (like the extras in the movies-lol).
Somewhere near home...
So he came home, and we took a walk down to Bill’s café.
It was a good chance to talk and catch up; although quite strange at first, since I have never actually seen him in the day time!
Usually we talk on the phone, or I see him at night when we're all out.
So I took a good look at him, and was shocked at what I saw:
He actually used to be kinda cute, or maybe it was the 'alcohol goggles' and the flashy night lights that make evrything seem so cool, or maybe because it was just dark...people look different at night even if there is light you know.
In the daytime however, he looked really messed up.
He’s eyes were all squinty and kind of swollen and looked dirty, like he had just woken up and hadn’t washed his face.
His skin was oily in a venomous way, like those slimy green and black Amazon frogs…looks cool on them, but mutant scary on humans!
He looked kind of burned in some areas too…'scorched' perhaps is a better word.
He was skinny and lanky, even more so than when I last saw him, and walked in a limp tired way, I could tell he was out of shape from the lil’walk we had to the café and back…
I dont know why i hadn't seen this before. Perhaps it was the stark sunlight that made his true form and colour naked to my eye. Perhaps I just hadn’t ever really taken a good look at him!
whatever it was, it made me realize that alcohol really is poison!, and with time its evident as it takes its toll on your body.
This dude has been parteyin and going out from 7pm tp 6am almost every other day of the week for like a year now, (still in his S6 leavers vac which started at the end of 2007!)
Fastforward to now, he's still doing what he was doing a year ago; borrowing money from his parents, going out drinking, crashing in the day time, with a few errands his mother forces him to do inbetween. No studies no job, his guitar got broken sometime last year so he's been doing nothing constructive for the past year!
2008 must have been one big alcohol stained year for him.
Hope he doesn’t turn out to be like those guys in their late 20’s/early 30’s and are still living like they are 20 and just finished school. Cause thats just sad.
I mean it would be a shame if I started university before him! He’s like 3years older than me yet sometimes he acts like 3 years yonger than me.
I told him of course what a mess he was, and he should really sort out some things in his life. Though I’m sure that’s a song he’s heard way too often. Just hopes he listens to the lyrics this time.
On another note, I went out last night for a friends 18th birthday bash- legally (this time) with parents consent and all, and had a (sober) blast!
Despite the majority of people who were on the balcony puffing away on tobacco and other smokeable dry plants, and those ordering more potent drinks than the innocent sprite I was sipping, I managed to have fun and resist the temptation and danced like my feet were on fire! all without being intoxicated!
I guess I couldn’t shake off the scorched-toady-face of my friend, i kept imaging seeing him at the bottom of every glass of alcohol passed my way...
But the human mind is strange.
I’m sure a few weeks down the road I’ll find myself doin the two step with a drink in my hand.
How is it that we can genuinely want a healthy and alcohol free diet and drink ourselves silly or gobble down a cholesterol choke full serving of food without thinking twice.
Know how bad something is for our well being, but indulge in it freely and regularly.
What’s up with that?!
What could happen? Apart from some flirting which I could handle…Plus he insisted.
He wanted to come over at home, but I thought it would be better to go somewhere else where shit cant just happen (thanks to the scrutinizing eye of the public)...yet not too public, somewhere we can assume the 'anonymous-couple-talking-at-a-cafe' facade, (like the extras in the movies-lol).
Somewhere near home...
So he came home, and we took a walk down to Bill’s café.
It was a good chance to talk and catch up; although quite strange at first, since I have never actually seen him in the day time!
Usually we talk on the phone, or I see him at night when we're all out.
So I took a good look at him, and was shocked at what I saw:
He actually used to be kinda cute, or maybe it was the 'alcohol goggles' and the flashy night lights that make evrything seem so cool, or maybe because it was just dark...people look different at night even if there is light you know.
In the daytime however, he looked really messed up.
He’s eyes were all squinty and kind of swollen and looked dirty, like he had just woken up and hadn’t washed his face.
His skin was oily in a venomous way, like those slimy green and black Amazon frogs…looks cool on them, but mutant scary on humans!
He looked kind of burned in some areas too…'scorched' perhaps is a better word.
He was skinny and lanky, even more so than when I last saw him, and walked in a limp tired way, I could tell he was out of shape from the lil’walk we had to the café and back…
I dont know why i hadn't seen this before. Perhaps it was the stark sunlight that made his true form and colour naked to my eye. Perhaps I just hadn’t ever really taken a good look at him!
whatever it was, it made me realize that alcohol really is poison!, and with time its evident as it takes its toll on your body.
This dude has been parteyin and going out from 7pm tp 6am almost every other day of the week for like a year now, (still in his S6 leavers vac which started at the end of 2007!)
Fastforward to now, he's still doing what he was doing a year ago; borrowing money from his parents, going out drinking, crashing in the day time, with a few errands his mother forces him to do inbetween. No studies no job, his guitar got broken sometime last year so he's been doing nothing constructive for the past year!
2008 must have been one big alcohol stained year for him.
Hope he doesn’t turn out to be like those guys in their late 20’s/early 30’s and are still living like they are 20 and just finished school. Cause thats just sad.
I mean it would be a shame if I started university before him! He’s like 3years older than me yet sometimes he acts like 3 years yonger than me.
I told him of course what a mess he was, and he should really sort out some things in his life. Though I’m sure that’s a song he’s heard way too often. Just hopes he listens to the lyrics this time.
On another note, I went out last night for a friends 18th birthday bash- legally (this time) with parents consent and all, and had a (sober) blast!
Despite the majority of people who were on the balcony puffing away on tobacco and other smokeable dry plants, and those ordering more potent drinks than the innocent sprite I was sipping, I managed to have fun and resist the temptation and danced like my feet were on fire! all without being intoxicated!
I guess I couldn’t shake off the scorched-toady-face of my friend, i kept imaging seeing him at the bottom of every glass of alcohol passed my way...
But the human mind is strange.
I’m sure a few weeks down the road I’ll find myself doin the two step with a drink in my hand.
How is it that we can genuinely want a healthy and alcohol free diet and drink ourselves silly or gobble down a cholesterol choke full serving of food without thinking twice.
Know how bad something is for our well being, but indulge in it freely and regularly.
What’s up with that?!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
knowing without being told = feeling
It always amazes me when someone close to you can sense things even if they are physically far and haven’t had any contact from you, not even talking on the phone, yet can sense when something is wrong. How do they know? How can they feel it? Almost like telepathy…human relationships are such an amazing phenomenon!
Anyways, recently that Other guy (I had blogged about in the post (She x Him)+Another=Dilemma) re-appeared in my love life of recent. I had decided 2 solve that dilemma by just distancing myself from him and focusing all my attention on Him. And it worked, he stopped calling but I didn’t feel great about it, certainly not like I had resolved anything but rather felt like I had messed things up more…
After all he had become a really close friend whom I enjoyed talking too, made me laugh, was fun to hang out with…but we had grown too close, and feelings had began to develop.
Well I lost all my numbers recently so its not like I could call him up just to check up on him, but that week for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Then he called me, and when I picked up I knew who it was before he even said anything! Turns out he had gone through a difficult time during the past two weeks and when he called me needing someone to talk to, I wasn’t there for him. I felt terrible! Because he’s been there for me…so we began talking again, though he refused to tell me about what had happened. He’ll tell me in time I guess…
On the other side, my focus began to shift, and it was reflected in the reduced length and frequency of our phone calls, but it wasn’t that obvious. Then he calls me one day and tells me how weird he’s been feeling, taking it lightly I tell him he’s probably coming down with a cold, then he tells me that he has been feeling lonely all over sudden, and feels sudden bouts of love for me at random times and has the urge to call (funny thing is that he has called while I was on the phone to the other dude!) …like an intentional coincidence!
He could feel that I was being drawn to another guy, and I could feel that the other guy was going through something and that I should have been there for him, and he could feel that I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t!
Its like we all just felt these things without having to know, u know??
Anyways, recently that Other guy (I had blogged about in the post (She x Him)+Another=Dilemma) re-appeared in my love life of recent. I had decided 2 solve that dilemma by just distancing myself from him and focusing all my attention on Him. And it worked, he stopped calling but I didn’t feel great about it, certainly not like I had resolved anything but rather felt like I had messed things up more…
After all he had become a really close friend whom I enjoyed talking too, made me laugh, was fun to hang out with…but we had grown too close, and feelings had began to develop.
Well I lost all my numbers recently so its not like I could call him up just to check up on him, but that week for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Then he called me, and when I picked up I knew who it was before he even said anything! Turns out he had gone through a difficult time during the past two weeks and when he called me needing someone to talk to, I wasn’t there for him. I felt terrible! Because he’s been there for me…so we began talking again, though he refused to tell me about what had happened. He’ll tell me in time I guess…
On the other side, my focus began to shift, and it was reflected in the reduced length and frequency of our phone calls, but it wasn’t that obvious. Then he calls me one day and tells me how weird he’s been feeling, taking it lightly I tell him he’s probably coming down with a cold, then he tells me that he has been feeling lonely all over sudden, and feels sudden bouts of love for me at random times and has the urge to call (funny thing is that he has called while I was on the phone to the other dude!) …like an intentional coincidence!
He could feel that I was being drawn to another guy, and I could feel that the other guy was going through something and that I should have been there for him, and he could feel that I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t!
Its like we all just felt these things without having to know, u know??
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