I've been pondering this blog post for awhile now. In fact I'm not entirely sure what I want to say and what not to say.
My health has gotten out of control, but I don't want to be all whiny about it. I will say that I had surgery 3 weeks ago for carpal tunnel. Surgery went well and the doc was pleased at my 2-week check-up. I'm far less bandaged than I was and in a couple of days I will start rubbing cocoa butter on my wound for two minutes daily. It sounds odd, but I did use Medi-honey on my wound-clinic-necessary wound following ankle surgery in 2013.
Weight related it's not pretty. I am such an emotional eater that I weigh the same, if not more than when I started Weight Watchers almost exactly a year ago (53 weeks, 1 day... but who's counting?). It's a frustrating battle. This food thing? It's HARD! My Mom knows that hubby and I are working to lose weight. My father has been in a rehab following a hip replacement. We went to visit him on Father's Day (I let myself be guilted into it). Once others arrived Mom pulled out a cake and sliced a piece for everyone. Now she knows and she still does this. It feels like sabotage, although I know it's not intentional. She needs to lose weight herself. I've never asked, but I am guessing that her BMI falls in the obese range also.
We've had things going on with all of our critters. I wrote about it all in my last post, so I won't repeat myself. I will say that the lump on Poly's neck hasn't grown since the doc removed some of it.
For those who didn't know, my brother, his wife, and their two kids were living in a very dangerous area of the world for the past two years. Well, all are back now. My brother had to stay to finish up some business there, but everyone else - especially the kids - could not have gotten out of there faster if they tried! We were informed that my brother will not be living with his family and is now setting up his own apartment. We're all pretty upset about it and it blind-sided us. It seems that it's been coming for a couple of years now but that's all we know. Is it really anyone's business? I don't know how to answer that. I don't know what to say (on the off chance) when my nephews ask about his parents? They are nearly 15 and 13 and unlikely to talk about it... perhaps even told not to talk about it. Who knows? I'm just really upset. I barely have a relationship with my nephews as it stands (granted they have been out of the country for the last 8+ years) and fear how this will impact that.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I don't have a great relationship with my father. He abandoned us when I was 13. He married the reason for the divorce. On their wedding day, I was 13, my brother was 16, "she" was 22 and my father was 44. Needless to say, that didn't last long. Let me add in here that there were never weekend visits or one night a week arrangements. It was my Mom and that was it. Before they were officially divorced, he still had a key to the house. For my birthday during that time, he came in and dropped a tennis racket on the kitchen counter. Do you remember when I've said that I've always had a weight problem? How I was always last in gym class, be it running the 600 or being chosen for a team. I was not active outside of dance. Who on earth would think I would appreciate a tennis racket?
I don't remember much from before he left, although some memories come up every so often. I also find that there are some belongings I find as we clean up the house and I can't get rid of them, even though I have no idea if someone made them or gave them to me. I just know they are a piece of my childhood and I can't bear to part with them.
It was this odd existence for a long time. My brother left for college shortly after the "wedding" and I was left alone with my Mom who tried to pretend everything was ok - it was not. I would go to my father's every so often and, per a psychologist's recommendation, I left a basket of toiletries there so I felt that I "belonged" in that house. I did not. I rarely used those toiletries. He lived on a farm and was the groundskeeper before and after retiring from his job as a police officer. There was a daycare center on the property and I worked there subbing during my college summers. One summer, in addition to working 2 jobs, I was taking a class. It seemed like I went to dinner there every night, although I'm sure it wasn't quite that frequent. I just didn't have time to go home.
Question: I've been told my entire life that I need to lose weight. I was a dancer, so this caused added pressure. I took dance very seriously. Anyway, I now look back at pictures from my high school days and wish I could look like that again. I was an average size. I looked good. I looked balanced. But I was taken to program after program to take some weight off. Am I the only one who has always been told "you're 'heavy' and need to lose weight? Or have any of you done what I do - look back at those pictures and wish against all hope, that you could have that body back?
Ok, so I know this is a bit disjointed. I am at the very furthest wrong end of my bipolar right now, yet my mind is going full speed. I just throw things out there and hope they make some sort of sense. Thank you if you have put up with this and gotten this far.
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Monday, June 29, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
A Formal Introduction, 4 1/2 years too late
I'll start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Ok, so we've established that I love musicals, especially The Sound of Music. But that's not even barely a snippet of my life.
I'm 43 years old. I'm a Disney fanatic.... seriously, a freak about Disney!
I also have a mental illness. I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. Currently I am on disability for what has now been diagnosed as bipolar II. It's been not quite 15 years since I last worked. I was a social worker and one who was seriously burnt out at that. I have a degree in psychology. I switched over to working in HR for the same agency for the last 6 months, hoping I could keep up my pace. I was referred to a psychologist and it was shortly after that when I took the HR job. That was when I wound up in a psych ward for the first time. To be clear, it was voluntary. I wasn't tied down to the table and fed drugs and given IVs with all sorts of funky juices in them. That, my friends, is the movie version of a psych ward/hospital.
Having been on dozens of meds and even more combos, I was running out of options. So, I have had close to 80 ECT treatments (you may know it as shock therapy/treatment). The first 7 kept me out of the hospital for 4 years after annual hospitalizations. When I started to get really sick again, my therapist suggested I have a consult with another hospital which offers ECT. The psychiatrist refused to do it, saying I had borderline personality disorder. A few years later, after more meds, combos and hospitalizations, I went back to that same hospital and had another consult with the exact same psychiatrist. He approved me for the treatment. While I was inpatient, I did 3 treatments each week. Outpatient I was able to do 1. The doc would have preferred more, but I had no ride the other days. I was receiving what is known as "bilateral" and was at the maximum "dose."
In 2013 I wound up in the hospital medically and had to cancel my scheduled treatment. It gave me pause and I decided that the negative effects outweighed any benefit I was still receiving. My last treatment was December, 2012. It's hard to separate out what symptoms are from the depression and which are due to the ECT, plus I have a bunch of medical problems, including a stroke. There is no knowing. What is medical? Psychological? ECT-based?
My memory loss is significant, but like I said, what is the cause? My therapist told me that the benefits of the ECT would be short-lived, but I kept plugging along. Then I made that decision. I had reached the point where it was time to move along in my treatment. My treatment team was excited about the decision, but as much for the fact that I made it and there was no doctor telling me to stop.
It's hard to decide when to tell someone about mental illness and ECT - both have such stigma. The way I see it, if everyone keeps quiet, the stigma will remain. It's ok for people to ask questions because that's the way the word will get out that it's nothing like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I welcome questions about my illness and my treatments. I would prefer people educate themselves than make ignorant decisions. After all of my treatments and a dozen hospitalizations, I've gotten somewhat vocal. I mean, when push comes to shove there aren't a lot of explanations for my not working since I appear healthy - and am incredibly good at pretending I'm fine, putting on "the mask" and whatever else you want to call it.
What else? My mental illness seems to be such a huge part of my life that I wanted to take this opportunity to get it out there in a fashion that doesn't just say it in a casual way. Other very important parts of my life... I think I've mentioned that I'll be married 20 years in December.
<--- That's my love.
We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues.
The kitties are siblings. We went to adopt one but couldn't bear the thought of leaving the other one, especially knowing how people are ignorant and won't adopt black kitties because of some silly superstition.
One all-encompassing part of our lives is that we are born-again Christians. Fear not, I won't be sending subliminal messages or preaching at you, so please don't give up on my blog for that. We have a very strong faith and have recently begun a new journey with a new church family (after our former church dissolved). We attempt to keep our lives Christ-centered in what we do, but are awful sinners and fail at every turn. We try and that's all He asks of us.
Ok, so, my hubby is a computer systems engineer (with a chemistry degree - smarty pants), although I prefer to call him a computer geek. It covers all bases. He is such a blessing here at home. Since I am too sick to work, he does so much around here. If we had laundry on the same floor as where we dirty the darn stuff, I could pick up that chore (most of the time). We'd love to get a ranch style home, but now just isn't the time.
I was a social worker, which covers a load of jobs. For me, with my degree in psychology I first worked in a group home with 12 adults suffering from mental illness - sort of ironic, right? I still have incredibly fond memories of many of those incredible men and women. I credit one woman with helping me lose 40 lbs before my wedding. She was on my caseload and one of her goals was to walk every day. My daily time with her was spent joining her on those walks. Another man was in a military academy when he got sick and had to end his hopes of being in the service. The list could go on. They were so special to me. Heck, they even threw me a surprise bridal shower. Extraordinary! My next job was working with adults with developmental disabilities (I think there is now a new name, but that's what it was called when I worked) who were living with host families. I put a lot of miles on my car and loved my clients and most of the families. It all took a lot out of me. The final 6 months of my employment with them was working as an HR coordinator. It took off the pressures of one position, but added having to learn an entirely new and unfamiliar field. You know what happened after that.
I spent ages 2-16 as a dancer. First was ballet and at age 10 (?) I added in jazz. My hope was to go to Julliard (ok, let's make that a dream... a far off dream), but those hopes were dashed when, after many, many injuries, I broke my knee and needed surgery. I was told any further dancing would be out of the question. I also played violin, starting in 3rd grade and through the first year of college. I also played clarinet, starting (late) just before 7th grade and all the way through college. In high school there was marching band and concert band and at the time, if you were in one, you were in the other. It was very time-consuming. The Fall held football games weekly and practice two weeks a night, plus competitions for all of October and some other weeks. I was able to participate in the Miss America parade one year and my senior year we marched in the 3:00 parade in Disney World!!!! It was like a dream come true. We went to competitions annually, including Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Toronto. High school orchestra was small, but I do remember us going to a competition in Toronto (because it was the week after the band one!). In college, it was simply concert band and we did one performance at the end of each semester. College orchestra consisted of basically a quartet or sometimes a quintet, depending on who showed up. It wasn't worth it for me, so I left it go.
As you can see, music is an enormous part of my life. It is also for the mister. He is a drummer. We lived in neighboring towns and our football teams competed, as did we compete as bands each weekend. We were on the same fields a lot and never even knew it! We actually met at a Hallmark shop. I started working there when I was 18. He was an established employee. We worked there until we got married. After about 6 months of that we couldn't take so much togetherness and decided we'd stop working at the shop. I'm still partial to Hallmark cards, though ;)
I'm 43 years old. I'm a Disney fanatic.... seriously, a freak about Disney!
I also have a mental illness. I have suffered from depression on and off for 30 years. Currently I am on disability for what has now been diagnosed as bipolar II. It's been not quite 15 years since I last worked. I was a social worker and one who was seriously burnt out at that. I have a degree in psychology. I switched over to working in HR for the same agency for the last 6 months, hoping I could keep up my pace. I was referred to a psychologist and it was shortly after that when I took the HR job. That was when I wound up in a psych ward for the first time. To be clear, it was voluntary. I wasn't tied down to the table and fed drugs and given IVs with all sorts of funky juices in them. That, my friends, is the movie version of a psych ward/hospital.
Having been on dozens of meds and even more combos, I was running out of options. So, I have had close to 80 ECT treatments (you may know it as shock therapy/treatment). The first 7 kept me out of the hospital for 4 years after annual hospitalizations. When I started to get really sick again, my therapist suggested I have a consult with another hospital which offers ECT. The psychiatrist refused to do it, saying I had borderline personality disorder. A few years later, after more meds, combos and hospitalizations, I went back to that same hospital and had another consult with the exact same psychiatrist. He approved me for the treatment. While I was inpatient, I did 3 treatments each week. Outpatient I was able to do 1. The doc would have preferred more, but I had no ride the other days. I was receiving what is known as "bilateral" and was at the maximum "dose."
In 2013 I wound up in the hospital medically and had to cancel my scheduled treatment. It gave me pause and I decided that the negative effects outweighed any benefit I was still receiving. My last treatment was December, 2012. It's hard to separate out what symptoms are from the depression and which are due to the ECT, plus I have a bunch of medical problems, including a stroke. There is no knowing. What is medical? Psychological? ECT-based?
My memory loss is significant, but like I said, what is the cause? My therapist told me that the benefits of the ECT would be short-lived, but I kept plugging along. Then I made that decision. I had reached the point where it was time to move along in my treatment. My treatment team was excited about the decision, but as much for the fact that I made it and there was no doctor telling me to stop.
It's hard to decide when to tell someone about mental illness and ECT - both have such stigma. The way I see it, if everyone keeps quiet, the stigma will remain. It's ok for people to ask questions because that's the way the word will get out that it's nothing like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I welcome questions about my illness and my treatments. I would prefer people educate themselves than make ignorant decisions. After all of my treatments and a dozen hospitalizations, I've gotten somewhat vocal. I mean, when push comes to shove there aren't a lot of explanations for my not working since I appear healthy - and am incredibly good at pretending I'm fine, putting on "the mask" and whatever else you want to call it.
<--- That's my love.
We have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all rescues.
The kitties are siblings. We went to adopt one but couldn't bear the thought of leaving the other one, especially knowing how people are ignorant and won't adopt black kitties because of some silly superstition.
 |
The dogs we're told are a shepherd mix (left) and a vizsla mix (right). For the record, we didn't know either, but a vizsla is a Hungarian hunting dog. Note: hunting dog = we have our hands full!
One all-encompassing part of our lives is that we are born-again Christians. Fear not, I won't be sending subliminal messages or preaching at you, so please don't give up on my blog for that. We have a very strong faith and have recently begun a new journey with a new church family (after our former church dissolved). We attempt to keep our lives Christ-centered in what we do, but are awful sinners and fail at every turn. We try and that's all He asks of us.
Ok, so, my hubby is a computer systems engineer (with a chemistry degree - smarty pants), although I prefer to call him a computer geek. It covers all bases. He is such a blessing here at home. Since I am too sick to work, he does so much around here. If we had laundry on the same floor as where we dirty the darn stuff, I could pick up that chore (most of the time). We'd love to get a ranch style home, but now just isn't the time.
I was a social worker, which covers a load of jobs. For me, with my degree in psychology I first worked in a group home with 12 adults suffering from mental illness - sort of ironic, right? I still have incredibly fond memories of many of those incredible men and women. I credit one woman with helping me lose 40 lbs before my wedding. She was on my caseload and one of her goals was to walk every day. My daily time with her was spent joining her on those walks. Another man was in a military academy when he got sick and had to end his hopes of being in the service. The list could go on. They were so special to me. Heck, they even threw me a surprise bridal shower. Extraordinary! My next job was working with adults with developmental disabilities (I think there is now a new name, but that's what it was called when I worked) who were living with host families. I put a lot of miles on my car and loved my clients and most of the families. It all took a lot out of me. The final 6 months of my employment with them was working as an HR coordinator. It took off the pressures of one position, but added having to learn an entirely new and unfamiliar field. You know what happened after that.
I spent ages 2-16 as a dancer. First was ballet and at age 10 (?) I added in jazz. My hope was to go to Julliard (ok, let's make that a dream... a far off dream), but those hopes were dashed when, after many, many injuries, I broke my knee and needed surgery. I was told any further dancing would be out of the question. I also played violin, starting in 3rd grade and through the first year of college. I also played clarinet, starting (late) just before 7th grade and all the way through college. In high school there was marching band and concert band and at the time, if you were in one, you were in the other. It was very time-consuming. The Fall held football games weekly and practice two weeks a night, plus competitions for all of October and some other weeks. I was able to participate in the Miss America parade one year and my senior year we marched in the 3:00 parade in Disney World!!!! It was like a dream come true. We went to competitions annually, including Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, and Toronto. High school orchestra was small, but I do remember us going to a competition in Toronto (because it was the week after the band one!). In college, it was simply concert band and we did one performance at the end of each semester. College orchestra consisted of basically a quartet or sometimes a quintet, depending on who showed up. It wasn't worth it for me, so I left it go.
As you can see, music is an enormous part of my life. It is also for the mister. He is a drummer. We lived in neighboring towns and our football teams competed, as did we compete as bands each weekend. We were on the same fields a lot and never even knew it! We actually met at a Hallmark shop. I started working there when I was 18. He was an established employee. We worked there until we got married. After about 6 months of that we couldn't take so much togetherness and decided we'd stop working at the shop. I'm still partial to Hallmark cards, though ;)
I love to write, as you can probably tell and am considering putting some of my journal writings into a book.
Hub and I love to travel. It's not only Disney, although Disney World and Disney Cruise Line are our favorites, we enjoy doing most travelling. Keith grew up going to Ocean City, NJ every year and we kept that up for a bit. We'll now go down for a day, maybe his birthday. This past summer we were financially forced to re-schedule our Disney cruise and went to Ocean City, MD and loved it! We had been there once before but this experience was different - not better or worse, just different. Now, it was Cycle Week - and no, it wasn't bicycles. It was LOUD down there and we'd certainly chose another week to go. We went down to the barrier islands several times and were able to see a bunch of wild ponies. That was pretty incredible. We're headed on another cruise to Bermuda soon and are headed to Alaska on Disney Cruise Line later this year. Like I said, we LOVE to travel!
I'm pretty sure this is long enough without me blabbering on and on about stuff - I'm sure I'll keep doing that as time goes by. For now, if you made it through this, thank you!
Hub and I love to travel. It's not only Disney, although Disney World and Disney Cruise Line are our favorites, we enjoy doing most travelling. Keith grew up going to Ocean City, NJ every year and we kept that up for a bit. We'll now go down for a day, maybe his birthday. This past summer we were financially forced to re-schedule our Disney cruise and went to Ocean City, MD and loved it! We had been there once before but this experience was different - not better or worse, just different. Now, it was Cycle Week - and no, it wasn't bicycles. It was LOUD down there and we'd certainly chose another week to go. We went down to the barrier islands several times and were able to see a bunch of wild ponies. That was pretty incredible. We're headed on another cruise to Bermuda soon and are headed to Alaska on Disney Cruise Line later this year. Like I said, we LOVE to travel!
I'm pretty sure this is long enough without me blabbering on and on about stuff - I'm sure I'll keep doing that as time goes by. For now, if you made it through this, thank you!
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