As Rz and I continue our busy-ness, we are still being continuously amazed by how self-centred and self-important people can be.
We really do not wish to be tactless and uncouth in any way, but there have been times when we think that such people would do better minding their own business, and finding ways to solve their own issues, instead of poking their noses and demanding to be assisted or spoon fed.
Although we live in a mostly-Asian culture, I feel that this is not an excuse to intrude on anybody. Yes we should have ethics and an idea of community but it does not mean that an individual has any right to judge another person's behaviour.
I now dislike speaking much to anyone who has judgmental views lest I sound judgmental myself. I do however, draw the line when it concerns someone dear. And this, stubborn loyalty, is also a fault of mine.
In my mind this week, everything just sort of added up. It doesn't help that lately, there have been some developments that have been very trying at work.
I just felt very tired of the games people play everywhere they go - in the office, at church, wherever. Coupled with the fatigue of recent weeks, I was ready to cave in and hide at home sometime around Thursday.
So on Friday I dragged Rz along with me to our Church's bookstore and bought whatever Nourishment we needed.
God was very kind, we managed to get there in time and were their last customers for the day :P I supposed this is what God meant by meeting us halfway whenever we seek Him or reach out to Him and His Word lol :)
I ended up with a Women of Faith devotional, a Lucado inspirational book, and Patsy Clairmont's Kaleidoscope. Rz also bought a few of pastor's DVDs.
I feel more refreshed after having partaken of some of these this afternoon.
As it has been a few weeks (months?) of endless rushing, I said to Rz very seriously that we really need a holiday. And that we REALLY do need one this time.
I've been watching (and doing dreaded covering work) on the sidelines as the majority of my colleagues have gone travelling overseas, some of them for the third time this year, and back.
I can sense the mechanisms in my mind heated up and creaking from overuse. And I can sense that if I don't take time to get away and regroup, everything will start crashing down.
So today's quiet time made a very big difference to me. It sort of helped to clear the toxic cloud that was accumulating in my cramped brain. The Lord's word, as poignantly and brilliantly filtered by the likes of Clairmont and Lucado, is a fantastic astringent.
Also I am glad that our renovations are going on very well and that our running around seems to be paying off somewhat. We continue to thank God daily for His provisions and for His helping us to pick a fantastic contractor for our renovation project.
We can truly sense God's hand in the matter and God's desire to fulfill His promises to us.
I hope that we never lose our focus, nor tear our eyes away from what matters. I pray that we will always find our centre - in Him.
- 19 September 2010 6:40pm -
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I am awake at ridiculous hours these days. Some mornings I wake up at 2:30am feeling ridiculously empty, tensed and thirsty.
The emptiness ranges between despair and loneliness and a sense of loss.
I am not sure where all this melancholy is coming from. It could be there is not but one source.
After the near-assault, I find that I am not bothered about what people say and nothing really frazzles me except close range contact. I move away from strangers when they close in on me now.
I know some people have been talking behind my back about the incident but I let them too. I am unwilling to really discuss much. I rather forget.
I want back my uninterrupted slumber more than I want the understanding of people who don't really matter.
Thankfully I have gifted superiors whom I trust to resolve the matter in the way they deem best. Leaving me with just one task: to overcome my afflictions.
Despite my incessant waking dreams I find I still love what I do. As I told a dear friend, perhaps it is a kind of litmus test to see if I'd still love my job if the ugly/feral side of it truly reared its head at me.
The apartment transaction is completing at the month's end. And we shall find ourselves indebted for a lifetime, or so 30 years seems to feel like to me.
We have decided on some things but wonder at others. And in between random acquaintances pop up and surprise us with their typical self-centredness as always.
We are not at your disposure, thank you. We have an apartment to plan for and work to keep us busy? I have deliberately not replied to some because I felt pricked by their blindness to our pressing priorities.
The ham brood declines as well. The hamstery owns far more bowls than hammies now. And I think it best to keep it that way until we can sort out the moving and the settling in.
Rz is stretching his organisational muscles in reviewing forums and putting together appointments with contractors. I tasked him to do so because he is free to surf at work whilst I'm stuck all day with clients. So far, he is managing excellently and I am so proud of him. Gone are his days of introversion and gone is the lack of confidence.
The boy I married has grown up and so have I.
- 18 July 2010 5:16pm -
The emptiness ranges between despair and loneliness and a sense of loss.
I am not sure where all this melancholy is coming from. It could be there is not but one source.
After the near-assault, I find that I am not bothered about what people say and nothing really frazzles me except close range contact. I move away from strangers when they close in on me now.
I know some people have been talking behind my back about the incident but I let them too. I am unwilling to really discuss much. I rather forget.
I want back my uninterrupted slumber more than I want the understanding of people who don't really matter.
Thankfully I have gifted superiors whom I trust to resolve the matter in the way they deem best. Leaving me with just one task: to overcome my afflictions.
Despite my incessant waking dreams I find I still love what I do. As I told a dear friend, perhaps it is a kind of litmus test to see if I'd still love my job if the ugly/feral side of it truly reared its head at me.
The apartment transaction is completing at the month's end. And we shall find ourselves indebted for a lifetime, or so 30 years seems to feel like to me.
We have decided on some things but wonder at others. And in between random acquaintances pop up and surprise us with their typical self-centredness as always.
We are not at your disposure, thank you. We have an apartment to plan for and work to keep us busy? I have deliberately not replied to some because I felt pricked by their blindness to our pressing priorities.
The ham brood declines as well. The hamstery owns far more bowls than hammies now. And I think it best to keep it that way until we can sort out the moving and the settling in.
Rz is stretching his organisational muscles in reviewing forums and putting together appointments with contractors. I tasked him to do so because he is free to surf at work whilst I'm stuck all day with clients. So far, he is managing excellently and I am so proud of him. Gone are his days of introversion and gone is the lack of confidence.
The boy I married has grown up and so have I.
- 18 July 2010 5:16pm -
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday Selah
I am so grateful for the peace and quiet of Sunday. I feel like my inner being has just slipped into a pool of cool, cleansing water after being parched and dry for the past 6 days.
It marks the end of a very crazy week. Everyday brought fresh drama. Rz and I are just barely coping from one event to the next. I was beginning to think there is no such thing as moderation in my life.
Anyway today I lift my writing heavenwards in praise. Rz and I have nothing at this moment to give thanks for in the natural.
In the natural, we have not enough funds. We have not enough time. We have not enough strength. A thousand things go wrong. We have just stress and more stress.
But the main thing is we have an amazing God. And the one lesson I learnt this week is that He is worthy of all praise even when things don't go smoothly in the natural.
And then after putting praise first suddenly I realise that there is so much more to life than all the stressors. I realise that the Lord has been blessing our lives already.
I realise again how much favour I have with my colleagues. Favour that comes not from my own doing but from the Lord. I draw this conclusion because I am the first one to admit that on my own, I could not have been appointed to head all these new projects simply because I lack specialised knowledge and based on seniority, a lot of other people should have priority. I just simply could not have made my superiors trust me on my own, based on any amount of effort I could have put in within this one year with them.
Certain things that were revealed to me through some dealings (both positive and negative) with my colleagues and these have utterly convinced me that whilst I am stressing myself out silly, rushing all over the place, it seems that God has assured my success in this current organisation. I will not elaborate here lest I breach any confidentiality issues.
I also realise how much Rz has been blessed. I think these few months have just taught us a lot. A lot about God. A lot about each other and a lot about sticking with each other and seeing things through.
So for the thousand things that go wrong, here's glorifying our Heavenly Father for the ten thousand things He makes go right.
- 14 March 2010 1:01pm -
It marks the end of a very crazy week. Everyday brought fresh drama. Rz and I are just barely coping from one event to the next. I was beginning to think there is no such thing as moderation in my life.
Anyway today I lift my writing heavenwards in praise. Rz and I have nothing at this moment to give thanks for in the natural.
In the natural, we have not enough funds. We have not enough time. We have not enough strength. A thousand things go wrong. We have just stress and more stress.
But the main thing is we have an amazing God. And the one lesson I learnt this week is that He is worthy of all praise even when things don't go smoothly in the natural.
And then after putting praise first suddenly I realise that there is so much more to life than all the stressors. I realise that the Lord has been blessing our lives already.
I realise again how much favour I have with my colleagues. Favour that comes not from my own doing but from the Lord. I draw this conclusion because I am the first one to admit that on my own, I could not have been appointed to head all these new projects simply because I lack specialised knowledge and based on seniority, a lot of other people should have priority. I just simply could not have made my superiors trust me on my own, based on any amount of effort I could have put in within this one year with them.
Certain things that were revealed to me through some dealings (both positive and negative) with my colleagues and these have utterly convinced me that whilst I am stressing myself out silly, rushing all over the place, it seems that God has assured my success in this current organisation. I will not elaborate here lest I breach any confidentiality issues.
I also realise how much Rz has been blessed. I think these few months have just taught us a lot. A lot about God. A lot about each other and a lot about sticking with each other and seeing things through.
So for the thousand things that go wrong, here's glorifying our Heavenly Father for the ten thousand things He makes go right.
- 14 March 2010 1:01pm -
Friday, May 01, 2009
The Cross on a Hill Far Away
I have been home this couple of days, recuperating from minor surgery. I am physically okay, just that I have problems walking, standing, sitting or changing positions.
Since I am here I figure I should give something of a brief summary of my recent thoughts..
.. Each day, I face 4-7 sets of clients from all walks of life in the course of my daily work. Thus I have become quite conscious of my internet presence and how it might affect the clients I see at work.
For example, my cubicle proudly houses an 8R collection of my best prints and so far nearly every client who has seen me has made some sort of comment. I am appreciative, but this is not what this post is about. I do have a slight phobia that someone I meet in the course of my work might actually know me as one of my online identities. I have on occasion, met with some mentally unsound characters as I go about my work. I do fear the day that something I've said or posted online might be used against me.
Hence my relative silence.
Granted, I do not feel very much for certain things that used to affect me.
I guess I have reached a point in my life where I just want my life to be as simple and uncluttered as possible.
I just want to tend to my daily quota of clients, work as hard as I need to, do as much housework as I can and then to be able to sleep peacefully every night.
I am not God. I cannot bless anyone, cure anyone, or heal anyone and I do not wish to constantly be approached and obliged to do any 'burden-sharing' unless I see someone or something that compels me. I am loathe to see someone share about a problem as though it is everyone else's fault.
I am human too, and I have my own issues. I have responsibility. I have a life. I have a marriage and I have family.
I only manage through prayer.
I've stopped trying to force what cannot be changed. Essentially, I have stopped struggling to function on human terms. I have chosen to live each day on God's terms.
I am conscious that I might sound like I'm arrogant, self-centred and unabashed, but really, I have reached a point where I realise my human failings and limits and have decided that to preserve whatever integrity or soundness of mind (sometimes!) I am not going to focus on myself or anyone else, but on the Cross on a hill far away.
- 7 May 2009 9:55am -
Since I am here I figure I should give something of a brief summary of my recent thoughts..
.. Each day, I face 4-7 sets of clients from all walks of life in the course of my daily work. Thus I have become quite conscious of my internet presence and how it might affect the clients I see at work.
For example, my cubicle proudly houses an 8R collection of my best prints and so far nearly every client who has seen me has made some sort of comment. I am appreciative, but this is not what this post is about. I do have a slight phobia that someone I meet in the course of my work might actually know me as one of my online identities. I have on occasion, met with some mentally unsound characters as I go about my work. I do fear the day that something I've said or posted online might be used against me.
Hence my relative silence.
Granted, I do not feel very much for certain things that used to affect me.
I guess I have reached a point in my life where I just want my life to be as simple and uncluttered as possible.
I just want to tend to my daily quota of clients, work as hard as I need to, do as much housework as I can and then to be able to sleep peacefully every night.
I am not God. I cannot bless anyone, cure anyone, or heal anyone and I do not wish to constantly be approached and obliged to do any 'burden-sharing' unless I see someone or something that compels me. I am loathe to see someone share about a problem as though it is everyone else's fault.
I am human too, and I have my own issues. I have responsibility. I have a life. I have a marriage and I have family.
I only manage through prayer.
I've stopped trying to force what cannot be changed. Essentially, I have stopped struggling to function on human terms. I have chosen to live each day on God's terms.
I am conscious that I might sound like I'm arrogant, self-centred and unabashed, but really, I have reached a point where I realise my human failings and limits and have decided that to preserve whatever integrity or soundness of mind (sometimes!) I am not going to focus on myself or anyone else, but on the Cross on a hill far away.
- 7 May 2009 9:55am -
Friday, January 09, 2009
君とまた逢える日を
There are just so many things I want to say to a number of precious people.
So many things and words that the time just isn't ripe for.
So many inner-nudgings and heavy-hearted thoughts. So many unwanted feelings. So many helpless resolves.
So many tears. As many prayers.
I have been content with penting everything up in my head but right now I think my iPhone has more (and definitely better) memory than I do. I wish I could just come outright and speak my mind here like I have always before, but goodness knows what will happen if I do.
And, if it comes to that, I don't think I can take it.
Looking back briefly, I think I started unraveling sometime before Christmas and just allowed it to spiral just under the surface of calm and control.
(Perhaps the greatest irony of it all is that my 'calm and control' managed to fool even my father, who thinks on top of not doing enough, I'm not being worried enough.)
Disbelief, discouragement, displacement and despair, where do they leave us? Yes, Love shall overcome everything in the end but I think my heart is failing me.
Logic is failing me.
Perhaps I should just let go, let God and get going, myself. But right now I'm feeling like I've hit a wall - I need to take a few seconds to slide down onto the floor below and congeal.
Yes, congeal. At least then maybe when I feel my insides harden, I can find a bit more solidarity and sense in my many, frayed, tangled, trains of thought.
Maybe then I can find my foundation point. Maybe then I can rally myself.
Maybe then I can find I do have a way to place my humming nerves in the hands of the Highest One after all. Like I should be doing. Like I should have done.
Like I know I should do.
And here, I catch myself.. Forgetting.. that my rally point and my standard is the blood-bought cross upon a hill far away.
Forgetting.. that He who conquered death is the script-writer of my life.
Forgetting.. that Love surrounds me even as I despair. And indeed, Love is gently snoozing behind me right now as I write.
Perhaps I have already congealed and not known it. Perhaps I am already decayed jell-o on the floor. Perhaps a spark of remembrance is all that I needed.
Remembering brings an irreplaceable comfort. I need to improve my memory.
I need to get going and fill my life with the things that matter. With the people who matter.
Fill my mind with the thoughts that matter.
And so this is me, getting up.. and going to bed :)
- 9 January 2009 3:09am -
So many things and words that the time just isn't ripe for.
So many inner-nudgings and heavy-hearted thoughts. So many unwanted feelings. So many helpless resolves.
So many tears. As many prayers.
I have been content with penting everything up in my head but right now I think my iPhone has more (and definitely better) memory than I do. I wish I could just come outright and speak my mind here like I have always before, but goodness knows what will happen if I do.
And, if it comes to that, I don't think I can take it.
Looking back briefly, I think I started unraveling sometime before Christmas and just allowed it to spiral just under the surface of calm and control.
(Perhaps the greatest irony of it all is that my 'calm and control' managed to fool even my father, who thinks on top of not doing enough, I'm not being worried enough.)
Disbelief, discouragement, displacement and despair, where do they leave us? Yes, Love shall overcome everything in the end but I think my heart is failing me.
Logic is failing me.
Perhaps I should just let go, let God and get going, myself. But right now I'm feeling like I've hit a wall - I need to take a few seconds to slide down onto the floor below and congeal.
Yes, congeal. At least then maybe when I feel my insides harden, I can find a bit more solidarity and sense in my many, frayed, tangled, trains of thought.
Maybe then I can find my foundation point. Maybe then I can rally myself.
Maybe then I can find I do have a way to place my humming nerves in the hands of the Highest One after all. Like I should be doing. Like I should have done.
Like I know I should do.
And here, I catch myself.. Forgetting.. that my rally point and my standard is the blood-bought cross upon a hill far away.
Forgetting.. that He who conquered death is the script-writer of my life.
Forgetting.. that Love surrounds me even as I despair. And indeed, Love is gently snoozing behind me right now as I write.
Perhaps I have already congealed and not known it. Perhaps I am already decayed jell-o on the floor. Perhaps a spark of remembrance is all that I needed.
Remembering brings an irreplaceable comfort. I need to improve my memory.
I need to get going and fill my life with the things that matter. With the people who matter.
Fill my mind with the thoughts that matter.
And so this is me, getting up.. and going to bed :)
- 9 January 2009 3:09am -
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
独りでも平気さ
Incredibly, the old year has gone and a new one is already six days old as I write.
I can't bear to look at my list of things that have yet to be done just in case I start feeling dysfunctional all over again.
I know there are properties to be viewed, job positions to be applied for, photographs to edit, friends to catch up with, a book to write and a house to clean. Nevertheless, I wish all of you (who still bother to take time to read!!) a very blessed 2009. May the Lord bless you and keep you, and look after your family's every need :)
Amen :)
- 6 January 2009 12:54am -
I can't bear to look at my list of things that have yet to be done just in case I start feeling dysfunctional all over again.
I know there are properties to be viewed, job positions to be applied for, photographs to edit, friends to catch up with, a book to write and a house to clean. Nevertheless, I wish all of you (who still bother to take time to read!!) a very blessed 2009. May the Lord bless you and keep you, and look after your family's every need :)
Amen :)
- 6 January 2009 12:54am -
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Escape Clause
Last week was an exhaustingly severe test in friendship and keeping to priorities, and I have to say, I'd do anything to prevent it from happening again.
Different people have different areas in their lives which are impacted exceptionally by the grace of God. For me, that area is Friendship. It is both my greatest failure and my biggest success. Since I could remember, I have been literally practicing this Bible verse without expecting any returns:
This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. ~ John 15:12-13
Of course, sticking to this verse closely through out my life has earned me the loyalties and affections of a very precious group of people, and I am very, very grateful for their mere presence in my life.
Just thinking of them now makes me want to ditch this entry and write happier notes instead, but I will not be doing myself a favour if I allowed myself to forget last week's lesson, so I am reluctantly blogging on. Especially now that I can talk about it without fidgeting with indignation.
After 20 years of friendship, it is really time to say goodbye when you find yourself shuddering on the inside with every comment the other person makes or when you find your sewage choked up and blood pressure past boiling point. After spending so much time spring-cleaning my house, walking past our choked toilet was enough to send me hurtling back into depression.
(And that is not even taking into consideration the many times over the years that I found myself quietly paying for lunches, dinners, opening my home and my heart.. countless times..)
Despite my willingness to accept her together with all her flaws, I seriously had never anticipated such rude remarks to be made to me or my husband when we were really trying to show somebody and her family some hospitality from the bottom of our hearts.
At my lowest point last week, I actually asked the Lord what went wrong with the "love thy neighbour" equation. I think apart from the natural state of anger and frustration as the nightmare continued unravelling and lingered on for the rest of the week, I was feeling very worried because I'd grown up with the notion that God wants us to love our friends no matter what.
His answer was two-fold: two verses and a very detailed (supernaturally well detailed, because I typically can't even remember what I ate last week) sojourn down memory's lane.
The verses are:
There is a friend, which is only a friend in name. ~ Ecclesiasticus 37:1
There exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces, but there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother. - Proverbs 18:24
I'm not very happy to find Bible verses that vindicate my decision to bid this person farewell actually exist and I'm not proud to have had to draw a line. But I simply cannot live with my two men at odds with me at the same time, for anger is also not part of God's plan for my own family.
The one thing that calmed me down tremendously was that through causing me to remember all that happened in such great detail, God allowed me to see just how much my own mother and other respected members of our church have helped this person's family over the years despite their constant, perpetual battle with managing their finances. It was as though, in my troubled, darkened mind, He gave a quiet nod towards me sealing off my heart and filled my thoughts with His calming, assuring, healing light.
Ever so quietly, He not just gave me the go-ahead to pen the closing chapter but took a spare moment to bless me with assurance of His abiding love. I now feel no more anger towards this person, and forgiveness isn't very far off. Dad has stopped blaming his daughter (for now) and Rz is no longer sullen about the situation. But I'm not going to forget last week's disaster in a long, long time and I am now keeping alert should this same person try her nonsense on any one of our other mutual friends.
I'm so heart-glad that our God is not an inflexible god who throws down laws without attaching to them escape clauses. I am glad He loves us enough and doesn't want to set His own children up to fail.
- 2 December 2008 2:13am -
Different people have different areas in their lives which are impacted exceptionally by the grace of God. For me, that area is Friendship. It is both my greatest failure and my biggest success. Since I could remember, I have been literally practicing this Bible verse without expecting any returns:
This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. ~ John 15:12-13
Of course, sticking to this verse closely through out my life has earned me the loyalties and affections of a very precious group of people, and I am very, very grateful for their mere presence in my life.
Just thinking of them now makes me want to ditch this entry and write happier notes instead, but I will not be doing myself a favour if I allowed myself to forget last week's lesson, so I am reluctantly blogging on. Especially now that I can talk about it without fidgeting with indignation.
After 20 years of friendship, it is really time to say goodbye when you find yourself shuddering on the inside with every comment the other person makes or when you find your sewage choked up and blood pressure past boiling point. After spending so much time spring-cleaning my house, walking past our choked toilet was enough to send me hurtling back into depression.
(And that is not even taking into consideration the many times over the years that I found myself quietly paying for lunches, dinners, opening my home and my heart.. countless times..)
Despite my willingness to accept her together with all her flaws, I seriously had never anticipated such rude remarks to be made to me or my husband when we were really trying to show somebody and her family some hospitality from the bottom of our hearts.
At my lowest point last week, I actually asked the Lord what went wrong with the "love thy neighbour" equation. I think apart from the natural state of anger and frustration as the nightmare continued unravelling and lingered on for the rest of the week, I was feeling very worried because I'd grown up with the notion that God wants us to love our friends no matter what.
His answer was two-fold: two verses and a very detailed (supernaturally well detailed, because I typically can't even remember what I ate last week) sojourn down memory's lane.
The verses are:
There is a friend, which is only a friend in name. ~ Ecclesiasticus 37:1
There exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces, but there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother. - Proverbs 18:24
I'm not very happy to find Bible verses that vindicate my decision to bid this person farewell actually exist and I'm not proud to have had to draw a line. But I simply cannot live with my two men at odds with me at the same time, for anger is also not part of God's plan for my own family.
The one thing that calmed me down tremendously was that through causing me to remember all that happened in such great detail, God allowed me to see just how much my own mother and other respected members of our church have helped this person's family over the years despite their constant, perpetual battle with managing their finances. It was as though, in my troubled, darkened mind, He gave a quiet nod towards me sealing off my heart and filled my thoughts with His calming, assuring, healing light.
Ever so quietly, He not just gave me the go-ahead to pen the closing chapter but took a spare moment to bless me with assurance of His abiding love. I now feel no more anger towards this person, and forgiveness isn't very far off. Dad has stopped blaming his daughter (for now) and Rz is no longer sullen about the situation. But I'm not going to forget last week's disaster in a long, long time and I am now keeping alert should this same person try her nonsense on any one of our other mutual friends.
I'm so heart-glad that our God is not an inflexible god who throws down laws without attaching to them escape clauses. I am glad He loves us enough and doesn't want to set His own children up to fail.
- 2 December 2008 2:13am -
Monday, November 10, 2008
くつろぎます
One week, 235 emails and 4.5GBs of photos later, we are back from the incredibly beautiful island of Bali. It has been decided that we shall one day retire there :P:P
We are both fully refreshed and rejuvenated, and very happy to have been so blessed to be able to travel again within the same year despite the fact that we had just splashed out on our wedding in June and that I am still only working freelance.
We were also very blessed as our journey went extremely smoothly despite the fact that the Indonesian government had scheduled the execution period of the Bali bombers to coincide with our trip. Three car-bombs were found in the days leading up to our departure and we were constantly warned, even by locals to stay away from certain specific areas after nightfall.
The said offenders were executed a day after we got home, and parts of Bali plunged into chaos again.
It's a terrible injustice to the peaceful peoples of Bali, to have their beloved island used in a standoff between the terrorists and the Indonesian government. The indigenous Balinese peoples are not even Muslim to begin with, but they pay dearly, as with the rest of Indonesia when their tourist industry is disrupted.
--
I believe that my God that restores to us everything that we have lost. "Everything" includes lost time. Lost love. Lost souls. Lost favour. Lost health. No one else can possibly return some of these to us, but He can.
Even if we started out with something or nothing, and even if everyday, we struggle to make do with whatever little or a lot we have, my God will stretch whatever on hand to make everything perfect according to His perfect love for each of us.
Over the years I've observed His amazing love for some of the people around me and how He has touched each one of us uniquely. I used to wonder if He was working His daily miracles into the tapestry of my own life.
It seems like I've only just opened my eyes to what He's done in my life and I realised how much time, energy and money I've wasted on a number of people and how much grief I've caused some others, by not investing enough time or energy. A couple of people surface in my memory very quickly, and I count my hurting them as one of my life's greatest regrets.
Although I know it is not possible for some of these people to forgive me for the things I've said or done in the past, I believe that the score between me and God has been forever settled.
The score between me and these people probably will never be settled, but I suppose I am willing to live with that. I mean, for all the well-meaning in the world, some people just simply refuse to forgive.
The past two years, I've begun to see quite clearly how God's favour supercedes every circumstance and situation. As long as one has His favour, it doesn't matter how hard you try or how hard you don't.
His favour is always more than enough. In summary, something I read whilst on holiday in Bali:
"You'll never realise that all you need is God until God is all you have."
- 10 November 2008 3:27pm -
We are both fully refreshed and rejuvenated, and very happy to have been so blessed to be able to travel again within the same year despite the fact that we had just splashed out on our wedding in June and that I am still only working freelance.
We were also very blessed as our journey went extremely smoothly despite the fact that the Indonesian government had scheduled the execution period of the Bali bombers to coincide with our trip. Three car-bombs were found in the days leading up to our departure and we were constantly warned, even by locals to stay away from certain specific areas after nightfall.
The said offenders were executed a day after we got home, and parts of Bali plunged into chaos again.
It's a terrible injustice to the peaceful peoples of Bali, to have their beloved island used in a standoff between the terrorists and the Indonesian government. The indigenous Balinese peoples are not even Muslim to begin with, but they pay dearly, as with the rest of Indonesia when their tourist industry is disrupted.
--
I believe that my God that restores to us everything that we have lost. "Everything" includes lost time. Lost love. Lost souls. Lost favour. Lost health. No one else can possibly return some of these to us, but He can.
Even if we started out with something or nothing, and even if everyday, we struggle to make do with whatever little or a lot we have, my God will stretch whatever on hand to make everything perfect according to His perfect love for each of us.
Over the years I've observed His amazing love for some of the people around me and how He has touched each one of us uniquely. I used to wonder if He was working His daily miracles into the tapestry of my own life.
It seems like I've only just opened my eyes to what He's done in my life and I realised how much time, energy and money I've wasted on a number of people and how much grief I've caused some others, by not investing enough time or energy. A couple of people surface in my memory very quickly, and I count my hurting them as one of my life's greatest regrets.
Although I know it is not possible for some of these people to forgive me for the things I've said or done in the past, I believe that the score between me and God has been forever settled.
The score between me and these people probably will never be settled, but I suppose I am willing to live with that. I mean, for all the well-meaning in the world, some people just simply refuse to forgive.
The past two years, I've begun to see quite clearly how God's favour supercedes every circumstance and situation. As long as one has His favour, it doesn't matter how hard you try or how hard you don't.
His favour is always more than enough. In summary, something I read whilst on holiday in Bali:
"You'll never realise that all you need is God until God is all you have."
- 10 November 2008 3:27pm -
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Myojo & Butterscotch
It seems that I'm now paying for all the time spent on the semi-disruptive "family affairs" that took place the previous weeks. There seems like there's an endless list of things to be done and as soon as I take a deep breath I have to plunge right in to the next task.
Not that I am blaming my family, none of it is their fault, really. Plus I'm still keeping myself maintained at a fairly decent level of cheeriness, so it looks like I'll manage.
I was actually looking at Bacardi a few days ago and found myself thinking about Tofu and Tori's ham-dynasty that's been going on for over two years now? I caught myself counting back generations and litters and I realised that I really had to find a way to track everything now that we are in our 6th generation of our original breeding line, and preparing for our 7th, before things get harder and harder to remember.
So I googled, wondering why I didn't think of it earlier and I downloaded a handful of the more promising ones. I trialed most of them and decided to stick with Tenset's.
My trouble now is deciding which one of Tenset's to use: Pedigree Assistant(generic) or Breeders Assistant for Hamsters >___>
Like half of me is tempted to stick to the generic one as it is so much simpler to use and create my own system but the other half of me is convinced the Hamster one is more appropriate?
I know I'm very possibly being a bit too particular about which software because they are still from the same publisher?
But heck, if I'm going to keep hamstery records, they shall be kept properly. (Funny how all this came about because of a similar statement: "..heck, if I'm going to allow my hamsters to breed, they shall form a proper breeding line." *rolls eyes*)
We just took home two Pudding hamsters today too, to partner those already in our dynasty. One of them, the boy, was actually given to us in an empty, instant cup-noodle bowl!!
I lost my heart to him the INSTANT I opened the lid to find him all flopped out, snoozing with his feet and paws in the air, utterly carefree.
I decided to name him Myojo on the spot :P Myojo - my instantly loveable hammy.
His sister was in a lidded box, looking fairly identical to him, and equally good-natured. But Myojo really resembles Mochi, in more ways than tub :P And so I think I'm already partial :P
Myojo is also a perfect name for Mitsuba's partner, which he is going to be :P M & M :D
Steph suggested I name Myojo's sister Butterscotch because I'm intending to place her with Butternut :P
Anyway I am off to bed, it has been a fulfilling day, no not just because more hammies arrived. But because I managed to get tons done! I hope I can get just as much done tomorrow :)
- 22 October 2008 3:16am -
Not that I am blaming my family, none of it is their fault, really. Plus I'm still keeping myself maintained at a fairly decent level of cheeriness, so it looks like I'll manage.
I was actually looking at Bacardi a few days ago and found myself thinking about Tofu and Tori's ham-dynasty that's been going on for over two years now? I caught myself counting back generations and litters and I realised that I really had to find a way to track everything now that we are in our 6th generation of our original breeding line, and preparing for our 7th, before things get harder and harder to remember.
So I googled, wondering why I didn't think of it earlier and I downloaded a handful of the more promising ones. I trialed most of them and decided to stick with Tenset's.
My trouble now is deciding which one of Tenset's to use: Pedigree Assistant(generic) or Breeders Assistant for Hamsters >___>
Like half of me is tempted to stick to the generic one as it is so much simpler to use and create my own system but the other half of me is convinced the Hamster one is more appropriate?
I know I'm very possibly being a bit too particular about which software because they are still from the same publisher?
But heck, if I'm going to keep hamstery records, they shall be kept properly. (Funny how all this came about because of a similar statement: "..heck, if I'm going to allow my hamsters to breed, they shall form a proper breeding line." *rolls eyes*)
We just took home two Pudding hamsters today too, to partner those already in our dynasty. One of them, the boy, was actually given to us in an empty, instant cup-noodle bowl!!
I lost my heart to him the INSTANT I opened the lid to find him all flopped out, snoozing with his feet and paws in the air, utterly carefree.
I decided to name him Myojo on the spot :P Myojo - my instantly loveable hammy.
His sister was in a lidded box, looking fairly identical to him, and equally good-natured. But Myojo really resembles Mochi, in more ways than tub :P And so I think I'm already partial :P
Myojo is also a perfect name for Mitsuba's partner, which he is going to be :P M & M :D
Steph suggested I name Myojo's sister Butterscotch because I'm intending to place her with Butternut :P
Anyway I am off to bed, it has been a fulfilling day, no not just because more hammies arrived. But because I managed to get tons done! I hope I can get just as much done tomorrow :)
- 22 October 2008 3:16am -
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Stardust on my Pillow
I've noticed that I hardly ever write (or bother reading) reviews now that I'm a freelance editor myself and have so much required reading (and sometimes additional research) to do, but today I decided to pick up one of my old, dearly-beloved books to read over my cup of morning tea:
Stardust on my Pillow by Patsy Clairmont.
Okay, so it's not as old as the massive, five-volume Bible Encyclopaedia by Zondervan that I have to refer to for my current research - on loan by my dad, obviously! But this book I want to blog about today is one that found its way to me shortly after my mother passed away.
Dad attends Christian book conventions in the USA annually and he brings home crates of assorted books, fresh from the publishers, some even autographed by the authors themselves :) My father and I, and my mom before she died, always looked forward to this 'bumper crop' as it usually meant we could happily sink our teeth in books for months to come, without having to visit another bookstore :P Though admittedly, our appetite has been somewhat suppressed since I married a non-bookworm :P Of course dad would always have specific crates of heavy theological stuff no one will fancy pawing at but my mum and I would get to pick whatever we wanted for ourselves or to give away.
Well back to the book. It arrived at our house July 2000 when I was in a really bad shape emotionally. Life had taken a serious downturn after the funerals (we'd lost both mum and grandma) and I guess being eighteen, no one really takes you seriously.
In that in-between age, when you are seen crying people imply you are being childish. When you vent your anger you are immature. When you laugh too much in church you're labeled a bimbo. (I seriously will never forget the 'mentor' who said that to me in my face. Yes, of all people! A mentor. Why do you think there are so many youths who drop out of church? Why do you think so many youths throw their lives away?)
I'm not going to recommend this book for guys. It's really a girly cuddle in disguise.
Of all the books I'd seen in those eighteen years (not forgetting the books I catalogued as a librarian), this book taught me that it's REALLY okay to cry.
I still remember the first time I sat down and read it out of an open crate on the floor of our living room.
I'd just rolled out of bed, feeling intense dread at the thought of repeating an academic year. I had not been sleeping well for over a month and I had not smiled in days. I wasn't even halfway through the first chapter but I was already bawling.
Each chapter seemed to release a new floodgate. My heart seared with pain and I didn't think I could continue reading on. And there were a few times I had to stop reading, because I simply couldn't see through the tears anymore.
I remember setting down the book aside, instead of into the small pile of books I'd picked out, unsure if I should keep it after all. Don't get me wrong, Clairmont's writings are all masterful. Her style is inimitable. But this particular piece was incredibly beautifully written. Like nothing else I'd read in ages. But, it made me cry so badly I ended up missing a few classes that first day.
It has been eight years since that first day, and over the years I've accompanied numerous cups of tea with this book, tearing up less and less with each visit. I know the stories by heart now. I've truly, I know it sounds like a cliche come to regard this book as a friend.
Somehow, as much as I have always liked Clairmont, I only thought of googling for her website today, and in the processed stumbled on her blog. And so I very happily bookmarked them :)
- 7 October 2008 12:24pm -
Stardust on my Pillow by Patsy Clairmont.
Okay, so it's not as old as the massive, five-volume Bible Encyclopaedia by Zondervan that I have to refer to for my current research - on loan by my dad, obviously! But this book I want to blog about today is one that found its way to me shortly after my mother passed away.
Dad attends Christian book conventions in the USA annually and he brings home crates of assorted books, fresh from the publishers, some even autographed by the authors themselves :) My father and I, and my mom before she died, always looked forward to this 'bumper crop' as it usually meant we could happily sink our teeth in books for months to come, without having to visit another bookstore :P Though admittedly, our appetite has been somewhat suppressed since I married a non-bookworm :P Of course dad would always have specific crates of heavy theological stuff no one will fancy pawing at but my mum and I would get to pick whatever we wanted for ourselves or to give away.
Well back to the book. It arrived at our house July 2000 when I was in a really bad shape emotionally. Life had taken a serious downturn after the funerals (we'd lost both mum and grandma) and I guess being eighteen, no one really takes you seriously.
In that in-between age, when you are seen crying people imply you are being childish. When you vent your anger you are immature. When you laugh too much in church you're labeled a bimbo. (I seriously will never forget the 'mentor' who said that to me in my face. Yes, of all people! A mentor. Why do you think there are so many youths who drop out of church? Why do you think so many youths throw their lives away?)
I'm not going to recommend this book for guys. It's really a girly cuddle in disguise.
Of all the books I'd seen in those eighteen years (not forgetting the books I catalogued as a librarian), this book taught me that it's REALLY okay to cry.
I still remember the first time I sat down and read it out of an open crate on the floor of our living room.
I'd just rolled out of bed, feeling intense dread at the thought of repeating an academic year. I had not been sleeping well for over a month and I had not smiled in days. I wasn't even halfway through the first chapter but I was already bawling.
Each chapter seemed to release a new floodgate. My heart seared with pain and I didn't think I could continue reading on. And there were a few times I had to stop reading, because I simply couldn't see through the tears anymore.
I remember setting down the book aside, instead of into the small pile of books I'd picked out, unsure if I should keep it after all. Don't get me wrong, Clairmont's writings are all masterful. Her style is inimitable. But this particular piece was incredibly beautifully written. Like nothing else I'd read in ages. But, it made me cry so badly I ended up missing a few classes that first day.
It has been eight years since that first day, and over the years I've accompanied numerous cups of tea with this book, tearing up less and less with each visit. I know the stories by heart now. I've truly, I know it sounds like a cliche come to regard this book as a friend.
Somehow, as much as I have always liked Clairmont, I only thought of googling for her website today, and in the processed stumbled on her blog. And so I very happily bookmarked them :)
- 7 October 2008 12:24pm -
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
プラネタリウム
All eleven ham-babies have left our hamstery, and the place is strangely quiet. No exaggeration.
And that is despite the fact that we have 6 roborovskis, 10 adult dwarfs and two boarders with us still. Today is the first day I've woken up without anyone squeaking their lungs out, wrestling and playfighting with each other. I know, few people believe baby hamsters can make so much ruckus.
A number of editing projects have been assigned to me and I've been happily working on these along with my own book. I guess if my book ends up failing I can still try to find work as an editor somewhere :P
Nah, it doesn't make sense, and I do plan on finding a less unconventional job once I'm done with the book so people will stop commenting on my "joblessness". Apparently in Singapore, everything other than a full-time job equates to "joblessness". Whether these people are just showing their concern or not, I should stop talking about work here lest I get mis-interpreted again.
Maybe that is why I am reluctant to blog these days. It is tedious to deal with concerned people when there is nothing to be concerned about.
Anti-social? Maybe that's an applicable word right now, but frankly, I don't really have any extra emotions to invest outside of family and a handful of closer friends.
My two remaining grandparents are not very well and it is taking the toll on both sides of my family. I find myself glad that I've played out the traditional, good grand-daughter role and got married whilst the both of them could still come and attend my wedding. I know my grandfather will never say it but it means a lot to him. I suppose in some ways, through fulfilling my function as a grand-daughter to marry out well, it somehow helps to explain the way my grandmother treats me?
I think I'm beginning to understand it a little bit. Though I don't think I have it in me to agree with it.
--
Anime/j-dramas I have been watching with Rz lately:
1. Vampire Knight
2. Nobuta wo Produce
3. Fruits Basket
4. Rosario to Vampire
5. Nodame Cantabile
6. Furuba
7. Bleach - The Diamond Dust Rebellion
8. Prince of Tennis
9. Hanazakari no Kimitachi E (all over again)
10. Absolute Boyfriend
11. Boys over Flowers
12. Pink no Idenshi
I just felt like plastering a list somewhere, so don't mind me.
--
Photos:
- 23 September 2008 2:55pm -
And that is despite the fact that we have 6 roborovskis, 10 adult dwarfs and two boarders with us still. Today is the first day I've woken up without anyone squeaking their lungs out, wrestling and playfighting with each other. I know, few people believe baby hamsters can make so much ruckus.
A number of editing projects have been assigned to me and I've been happily working on these along with my own book. I guess if my book ends up failing I can still try to find work as an editor somewhere :P
Nah, it doesn't make sense, and I do plan on finding a less unconventional job once I'm done with the book so people will stop commenting on my "joblessness". Apparently in Singapore, everything other than a full-time job equates to "joblessness". Whether these people are just showing their concern or not, I should stop talking about work here lest I get mis-interpreted again.
Maybe that is why I am reluctant to blog these days. It is tedious to deal with concerned people when there is nothing to be concerned about.
Anti-social? Maybe that's an applicable word right now, but frankly, I don't really have any extra emotions to invest outside of family and a handful of closer friends.
My two remaining grandparents are not very well and it is taking the toll on both sides of my family. I find myself glad that I've played out the traditional, good grand-daughter role and got married whilst the both of them could still come and attend my wedding. I know my grandfather will never say it but it means a lot to him. I suppose in some ways, through fulfilling my function as a grand-daughter to marry out well, it somehow helps to explain the way my grandmother treats me?
I think I'm beginning to understand it a little bit. Though I don't think I have it in me to agree with it.
--
Anime/j-dramas I have been watching with Rz lately:
1. Vampire Knight
2. Nobuta wo Produce
3. Fruits Basket
4. Rosario to Vampire
5. Nodame Cantabile
6. Furuba
7. Bleach - The Diamond Dust Rebellion
8. Prince of Tennis
9. Hanazakari no Kimitachi E (all over again)
10. Absolute Boyfriend
11. Boys over Flowers
12. Pink no Idenshi
I just felt like plastering a list somewhere, so don't mind me.
--
Photos:
- 23 September 2008 2:55pm -
Friday, September 05, 2008
静かです花びら~
Things I've learnt this week:
1. Perspective and attitude changes everything.
2. Contentment is something this world lacks. Maybe this explains why it is so hard for certain types of people to be happy. And for them to understand why other people can be happy?
3. Calculative relatives make cooperation very difficult. After all, who doesn't have commitment??
4. A long life can be a miserable one if one cannot find reason to live each day to its fullest.
5. Hamsters are like children. You can have a litter from the same parents, but they can be as different as night and day.
...
It seems like I've been mis-read and mis-quoted a number of times these days and I don't blame anyone for it. After all, I have no reason to be offended.
I think I'm a lot quieter now, and slower to react to things people say.
Maybe I just want my life to be as uncomplicated and uncluttered as possible.
- 5 September 2008 3:32pm -
1. Perspective and attitude changes everything.
2. Contentment is something this world lacks. Maybe this explains why it is so hard for certain types of people to be happy. And for them to understand why other people can be happy?
3. Calculative relatives make cooperation very difficult. After all, who doesn't have commitment??
4. A long life can be a miserable one if one cannot find reason to live each day to its fullest.
5. Hamsters are like children. You can have a litter from the same parents, but they can be as different as night and day.
...
It seems like I've been mis-read and mis-quoted a number of times these days and I don't blame anyone for it. After all, I have no reason to be offended.
I think I'm a lot quieter now, and slower to react to things people say.
Maybe I just want my life to be as uncomplicated and uncluttered as possible.
- 5 September 2008 3:32pm -
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Enough for the Day
Things I have been saying lately:
"Yes, 11 September will be 3 months since I left my previous job."
"Yes, I'm still jobless."
"Yes, I should be hunting."
"No, I'm not hunting."
"Yes, I'm usually at home."
"No, I don't feel like talking."
"Yes, I'm a horrible friend for not keeping in touch."
"No, I'm not pregnant."
...
Things I've been hearing lately:
"Rx is not old but NEW."
"Is that your NEW husband?"
"So this makes you his NEW wife?"
"Have you seen the NEWS?"
"Have you seen the NEW NEWlyweds?" (Though this should be replaced with 'the not-so-NEW NEWlyweds' by now?)
"Have you heard my NEW joke?"
"No, really, it's a NEW joke!"
~____~"
...
I guess I'm just re-arranging my life over. I'm trying to figure out some things anew. I'm focussing my realities on what the Lord has planned and designed me for.
I'm not letting anyone's negativity get to me. I'm not letting my thoughts get nudged out of shape by other people. I'm going to keep to the point.
And the point is this: I'm happy as I am now.
If it takes anyone else much more than it takes me to be happy, I shouldn't have to be the one feeling awkward. I shouldn't have to be the one answering redundant questions. I shouldn't have to be the one feeling sorry for myself for not having a job, not having a car, not having my name listed on a new title deed.
I'm happy. Either be happy with me, or .. well, just leave me alone so I can be happy.
Happiness is an active choice. A state of being. I made sacrifices to get to this state of mind and I'm not going to allow anyone to prod me off my cushy chair.
I am happy. Rz is happy. We are happy. This is our happy beginning :)
- 26 August 2008 6:31pm -
"Yes, 11 September will be 3 months since I left my previous job."
"Yes, I'm still jobless."
"Yes, I should be hunting."
"No, I'm not hunting."
"Yes, I'm usually at home."
"No, I don't feel like talking."
"Yes, I'm a horrible friend for not keeping in touch."
"No, I'm not pregnant."
...
Things I've been hearing lately:
"Rx is not old but NEW."
"Is that your NEW husband?"
"So this makes you his NEW wife?"
"Have you seen the NEWS?"
"Have you seen the NEW NEWlyweds?" (Though this should be replaced with 'the not-so-NEW NEWlyweds' by now?)
"Have you heard my NEW joke?"
"No, really, it's a NEW joke!"
~____~"
...
I guess I'm just re-arranging my life over. I'm trying to figure out some things anew. I'm focussing my realities on what the Lord has planned and designed me for.
I'm not letting anyone's negativity get to me. I'm not letting my thoughts get nudged out of shape by other people. I'm going to keep to the point.
And the point is this: I'm happy as I am now.
If it takes anyone else much more than it takes me to be happy, I shouldn't have to be the one feeling awkward. I shouldn't have to be the one answering redundant questions. I shouldn't have to be the one feeling sorry for myself for not having a job, not having a car, not having my name listed on a new title deed.
I'm happy. Either be happy with me, or .. well, just leave me alone so I can be happy.
Happiness is an active choice. A state of being. I made sacrifices to get to this state of mind and I'm not going to allow anyone to prod me off my cushy chair.
I am happy. Rz is happy. We are happy. This is our happy beginning :)
- 26 August 2008 6:31pm -
Friday, July 04, 2008
Begin at the Beginning
In the end, it really wasn't our wedding.
Months and months of planning, rushing, struggling, believing and trusting God, our wedding day came and went rather hastily.
We had been planning for a long time, mind you. Our bridal studio package was booked over a year in advance. The venue was fixed over 8 months ago. I had everything more or less settled until everything unraveled a week before the day itself.
It is a weird feeling to have had the whole event spread out on our mental drawing boards for such a long time before it happened, and after it happened, we are still working on the follow-up - photos, thank-you cards, miscellany. To be sure, twenty-four hours never left us with a greater impact. And that's not even mentioning the severe lack of sleep!
With something other than bitterness however, Rz and I watched as our wedding slowly became something else.
It became my father's reunion dinner with his co-horts; we wanted a small dinner, my dad made it huge. Right until the night before, my father was still happily insistent on accepting RSVPS. The hotel was very, very helpful in accomodating all my father's last-minute demands. As a result of my father's zest (for wont of a better word), we had some VIPs and a few VVIPs attend our dinner that night. Along with his mightily overflowing guest list came all sorts of colourful personalities that reminded me very poignantly of the reason(s) why I no longer attend the same church as he does.
Our wedding also became my pastor's tribute to my parents and their own wedding. We wanted a simple blessing, my pastor made it a full-fledged service complete with worship leader. We know how blessed we are to have him marry us, and I know somewhere my mother is really, really happy. So the inconveniences that came about because of this arrangement Rz and I happily and gladly bore.
To my extended family though, our wedding was probably seen as a planning disaster. I love these people dearly but it was all I could do to exercise that love to keep silent when they complained about the waiting period and the things they said did hurt the most. I know some of my family think my organising skills are pretty depressing - but hey, I tried my best: did YOU have a father like mine (read below)? Well very honestly, I'm happy where I am right now and really, if it is so tough to be happy with me and for me, then it's okay too :)
For me, the actual wedding began on my last day of work, 11 June 2008. I left office with a heap of gifts and well-wishes from those in my company. I know I'll surely miss some of them tremendously, but I now know that I was never meant to waste my talents in a place like that, even though I owe them something for actually taking me in, in the first place.
Those few remaining days before the actual day were rather hectic. Between my dad and my pastor, month-old plans were completely re-drawn. Rehearsals were frantically scheduled. Amidst these logistical dilemmas, I recognised the significance of having all the players present. It was a small miracle to me. Everyone flew back from wherever just in time to be there for the rehearsal, for the wedding, for us. My dad flew back from London and Amsterdam, Tabs from Canada, Am wasn't in HCM, Jie back from Japan, THC back from church camp, R back from holiday. And of course, Phy amazingly found some time to get away from her own busy-ness.
I guess I am a very personalised bride, as reflects in my personality. Our wedding was not only paid for by ourselves, but very much put together by ourselves. Rz very sweetly put together a slideshow as a tribute for me, and I put together a wedding prayer in the form of a home-made video. The dinner programme itself was, in fact, manually printed and stuck together in the wee hours of Sunday morning, the very day of June 15th - very last minute but carefully laid out by yours truly, delayed because of the sudden disappearance of my grandmother and the frantic phonecalls from a distressed aunt.
My poor aunt was working herself up into a huge screaming and hyperventilating frenzy because she couldn't locate my grandmother, couldn't go to bed and couldn't relax. It was way past her bed-time and she was very cranky and taking it all out on her niece. I was worried for them both, worried for my aunt's own health, and encouraging my aunt to leave things to me, despite the fact that I was supposed to play the role of a blushing, blissful bride less than ten hours later. (I hope I was convincing enough!)
I don't recall much from that night, it was all quite a blur of trying to get my printer to work, trying to get my handphone to redial my grandmother's number continually and trying to calm my aunt down at the same time on my housephone. I can't even remember what time I finally got through, I think any later and my heart (and my aunt!) would have collasped.
Incredibly though, just when it really couldn't have gotten any worse for a bride-to-be, my father declared at 9am on Sunday morning that he had guests to entertain. And so instead of spending time with me in my last remaining maiden hours, he left me all alone at home to receive our family and the bridal entourage.
Half of them couldn't imagine why a father would choose to miss out on the arrival of his only daughter's groom, which is a huge event in traditional custom. The most ridiculous part of the whole thing was when he actually returned - just in time to be locked out with the groom and the groom's entourage (tradition entails that they be locked out until they pay a suitable 'toll' in the form of cash or in our case, pass some tests, before they are let into the house. Another set of tests awaited Rz before he could come to me in my room.)! Sigh. My father always does things the other way around.
One of the things I learnt through this wedding process is just how much some of these people mean to me. Not so much of what people gave us or didn't give us, but more of how close to my heart these people are and how much I treasure each of them in my life.
Something an ex-classmate from my secondary school days did to me on our wedding day also made it very clear to me that my priorities have changed. In the past, the me I know would have reached out and tried to help her even if I was sure it would be in vain.
Somehow my eyes are now open wider to the fact that I have other people I need to keep myself, my time, my energy, my youthfulness for. I have more important people to care for. Rz and dad top the list, and are followed pretty closely by my grandparents and two of my aunts, and the rest made up of people from my rather close-knit circle. Call it selfishness or whatever else, but I don't have enough of myself to spare others outside this circle and I would be unwise to try.
Anyway, I am honestly very happy though, with how the day itself came to be. I came to a lot of realisations and saw a number of things differently as a result of the entire process.
For example, despite all the nonsense that my dad created for us, he received a lot of the credit. "Wow, you are such an incredible father." "Wow, you have done a great job raising your daughter." "Wow, there cannot be a more devoted father than you."
In my utter astonishment, none of these - and I call them my-father-followers; people actually realised how ALONE growing up was for me, especially after mum died.
These same people clap my father on the back at every juncture of his career and personal life, so often that they fail time and again to realise how much my own person I am.
I am and have always been very independent. Not by my own doing, either, but by my parents' occupations and dedication to their own separate ministries.
Watching him absorb all this attention made me realise just how frail he is. He is human after all. The Christian life and friends are his entire world.
What a shock he must have felt when his daughter grew up with a mind of her own and vocally expressed her thoughts at any given chance. I am the biggest blow to my daddy's ego. But then, I believe God put me here. To anchor my father to what matters - his family. The same family he forgets when inviting all his friends to this big reunion dinner sponsored for by his daughter. The family he says he doesn't have time to spend Chinese New Year with. The family he knows he doesn't have a choice but to come back to.
I learnt a lot by standing next to my father at the end of the dinner, smiling and shaking the hands of so many strangers. I learnt a lot about me, a lot about him and a lot about my role in this family. I am not meaning this entry to sound ungrateful in any way - my father has his own ways of loving me.
Well, scrolling up, this is indeed a super long post and this is not even including half of every bewildering thing that befell us - and surely not the usual 'thank you' post people would expect from the bride. But then I'm not a typical bride. I don't have a typical wedding and I don't have a typical family. I can't imagine myself having a normal wedding and a normal family either, truth be told :P
But I should get to the thank-yous! Haha :P Or we'd be scrolling down forever..
First of all, Rz and I would like to give the largest portion of credit to the Lord. For staying us, for sustaining us, for strengthening us, for always being there to keep us attuned to what really matters. We firmly believe that this union and the amazing journey we've have been on since the time we met was authored by our Creator long before we can imagine and thus, all credit goes to Him.
Thank you mummy, I know you are very happy wherever you are :) Now that you can be assured that between dad and Rz, I'll finally be taken care of :)
The next thank-you goes out to ten amazing individuals (and their parents!!). You know who you are :) Thank you for blessing us with your irreplaceable presence in our lives, seeing all of you enjoy our day with us (at times, even more so than we did!) is something that made us both very happy. Thank you for allowing yourselves to be photographed, filmed, tormented and tired for our sakes - we count ourselves very fortunate and very blessed to have such friends as you. Hope to catch all of you soon!
Another big thank-you goes out to both our families. Thank you for all your comments, the good, the bad and the ugly. It is because of your comments that we have become who we are today, extremely mindful of each other and those around us.
A big thank-you to our Pastor, who has watched over my family from since my parents were youths. It must bring back a lot of fond memories to be a part of our wedding and I can tell you, it means a lot to my parents. We thank you for putting yourself under so much physical strain to deliver the perfect blessing. We can never repay you for your time with us.
A very special thank-you to friends of my father - thank you for keeping my father surrounded with so much love that he has trouble defining what loneliness is. Thank you for loving him so much that it makes loving you challenging for me. Thank you for all the memories, life for me would definitely be a lot less interesting without all of you :)
A very special shout-out to Aunty Susie, this distance between us will close very soon :)
To E, my precious girl, thank you for all your parcels :) I am still wishing you were here!!
To everyone who came, an apology for not being able to spend as much time as I liked with each of you - I hope to catch up with as many of you as I can :) Drop me and email or poke me to remind me (Debbie is growing forgetful)!
My final, forever thank-you goes out to Rz. Well, look what you've done! :P I am JUST so glad it is you. So glad. I know I can face anything with God and you on my side :)
--
Photos? Well, erm I have nearly 2GBs sitting on my external harddisk, and more to come. I don't think I'll be able to rush them out just yet as I only managed to stabilise my computer (somewhat). So please indulge me and stay tuned!
- 4 July 2008 11:27am -
Months and months of planning, rushing, struggling, believing and trusting God, our wedding day came and went rather hastily.
We had been planning for a long time, mind you. Our bridal studio package was booked over a year in advance. The venue was fixed over 8 months ago. I had everything more or less settled until everything unraveled a week before the day itself.
It is a weird feeling to have had the whole event spread out on our mental drawing boards for such a long time before it happened, and after it happened, we are still working on the follow-up - photos, thank-you cards, miscellany. To be sure, twenty-four hours never left us with a greater impact. And that's not even mentioning the severe lack of sleep!
With something other than bitterness however, Rz and I watched as our wedding slowly became something else.
It became my father's reunion dinner with his co-horts; we wanted a small dinner, my dad made it huge. Right until the night before, my father was still happily insistent on accepting RSVPS. The hotel was very, very helpful in accomodating all my father's last-minute demands. As a result of my father's zest (for wont of a better word), we had some VIPs and a few VVIPs attend our dinner that night. Along with his mightily overflowing guest list came all sorts of colourful personalities that reminded me very poignantly of the reason(s) why I no longer attend the same church as he does.
Our wedding also became my pastor's tribute to my parents and their own wedding. We wanted a simple blessing, my pastor made it a full-fledged service complete with worship leader. We know how blessed we are to have him marry us, and I know somewhere my mother is really, really happy. So the inconveniences that came about because of this arrangement Rz and I happily and gladly bore.
To my extended family though, our wedding was probably seen as a planning disaster. I love these people dearly but it was all I could do to exercise that love to keep silent when they complained about the waiting period and the things they said did hurt the most. I know some of my family think my organising skills are pretty depressing - but hey, I tried my best: did YOU have a father like mine (read below)? Well very honestly, I'm happy where I am right now and really, if it is so tough to be happy with me and for me, then it's okay too :)
For me, the actual wedding began on my last day of work, 11 June 2008. I left office with a heap of gifts and well-wishes from those in my company. I know I'll surely miss some of them tremendously, but I now know that I was never meant to waste my talents in a place like that, even though I owe them something for actually taking me in, in the first place.
Those few remaining days before the actual day were rather hectic. Between my dad and my pastor, month-old plans were completely re-drawn. Rehearsals were frantically scheduled. Amidst these logistical dilemmas, I recognised the significance of having all the players present. It was a small miracle to me. Everyone flew back from wherever just in time to be there for the rehearsal, for the wedding, for us. My dad flew back from London and Amsterdam, Tabs from Canada, Am wasn't in HCM, Jie back from Japan, THC back from church camp, R back from holiday. And of course, Phy amazingly found some time to get away from her own busy-ness.
I guess I am a very personalised bride, as reflects in my personality. Our wedding was not only paid for by ourselves, but very much put together by ourselves. Rz very sweetly put together a slideshow as a tribute for me, and I put together a wedding prayer in the form of a home-made video. The dinner programme itself was, in fact, manually printed and stuck together in the wee hours of Sunday morning, the very day of June 15th - very last minute but carefully laid out by yours truly, delayed because of the sudden disappearance of my grandmother and the frantic phonecalls from a distressed aunt.
My poor aunt was working herself up into a huge screaming and hyperventilating frenzy because she couldn't locate my grandmother, couldn't go to bed and couldn't relax. It was way past her bed-time and she was very cranky and taking it all out on her niece. I was worried for them both, worried for my aunt's own health, and encouraging my aunt to leave things to me, despite the fact that I was supposed to play the role of a blushing, blissful bride less than ten hours later. (I hope I was convincing enough!)
I don't recall much from that night, it was all quite a blur of trying to get my printer to work, trying to get my handphone to redial my grandmother's number continually and trying to calm my aunt down at the same time on my housephone. I can't even remember what time I finally got through, I think any later and my heart (and my aunt!) would have collasped.
Incredibly though, just when it really couldn't have gotten any worse for a bride-to-be, my father declared at 9am on Sunday morning that he had guests to entertain. And so instead of spending time with me in my last remaining maiden hours, he left me all alone at home to receive our family and the bridal entourage.
Half of them couldn't imagine why a father would choose to miss out on the arrival of his only daughter's groom, which is a huge event in traditional custom. The most ridiculous part of the whole thing was when he actually returned - just in time to be locked out with the groom and the groom's entourage (tradition entails that they be locked out until they pay a suitable 'toll' in the form of cash or in our case, pass some tests, before they are let into the house. Another set of tests awaited Rz before he could come to me in my room.)! Sigh. My father always does things the other way around.
One of the things I learnt through this wedding process is just how much some of these people mean to me. Not so much of what people gave us or didn't give us, but more of how close to my heart these people are and how much I treasure each of them in my life.
Something an ex-classmate from my secondary school days did to me on our wedding day also made it very clear to me that my priorities have changed. In the past, the me I know would have reached out and tried to help her even if I was sure it would be in vain.
Somehow my eyes are now open wider to the fact that I have other people I need to keep myself, my time, my energy, my youthfulness for. I have more important people to care for. Rz and dad top the list, and are followed pretty closely by my grandparents and two of my aunts, and the rest made up of people from my rather close-knit circle. Call it selfishness or whatever else, but I don't have enough of myself to spare others outside this circle and I would be unwise to try.
Anyway, I am honestly very happy though, with how the day itself came to be. I came to a lot of realisations and saw a number of things differently as a result of the entire process.
For example, despite all the nonsense that my dad created for us, he received a lot of the credit. "Wow, you are such an incredible father." "Wow, you have done a great job raising your daughter." "Wow, there cannot be a more devoted father than you."
In my utter astonishment, none of these - and I call them my-father-followers; people actually realised how ALONE growing up was for me, especially after mum died.
These same people clap my father on the back at every juncture of his career and personal life, so often that they fail time and again to realise how much my own person I am.
I am and have always been very independent. Not by my own doing, either, but by my parents' occupations and dedication to their own separate ministries.
Watching him absorb all this attention made me realise just how frail he is. He is human after all. The Christian life and friends are his entire world.
What a shock he must have felt when his daughter grew up with a mind of her own and vocally expressed her thoughts at any given chance. I am the biggest blow to my daddy's ego. But then, I believe God put me here. To anchor my father to what matters - his family. The same family he forgets when inviting all his friends to this big reunion dinner sponsored for by his daughter. The family he says he doesn't have time to spend Chinese New Year with. The family he knows he doesn't have a choice but to come back to.
I learnt a lot by standing next to my father at the end of the dinner, smiling and shaking the hands of so many strangers. I learnt a lot about me, a lot about him and a lot about my role in this family. I am not meaning this entry to sound ungrateful in any way - my father has his own ways of loving me.
Well, scrolling up, this is indeed a super long post and this is not even including half of every bewildering thing that befell us - and surely not the usual 'thank you' post people would expect from the bride. But then I'm not a typical bride. I don't have a typical wedding and I don't have a typical family. I can't imagine myself having a normal wedding and a normal family either, truth be told :P
But I should get to the thank-yous! Haha :P Or we'd be scrolling down forever..
First of all, Rz and I would like to give the largest portion of credit to the Lord. For staying us, for sustaining us, for strengthening us, for always being there to keep us attuned to what really matters. We firmly believe that this union and the amazing journey we've have been on since the time we met was authored by our Creator long before we can imagine and thus, all credit goes to Him.
Thank you mummy, I know you are very happy wherever you are :) Now that you can be assured that between dad and Rz, I'll finally be taken care of :)
The next thank-you goes out to ten amazing individuals (and their parents!!). You know who you are :) Thank you for blessing us with your irreplaceable presence in our lives, seeing all of you enjoy our day with us (at times, even more so than we did!) is something that made us both very happy. Thank you for allowing yourselves to be photographed, filmed, tormented and tired for our sakes - we count ourselves very fortunate and very blessed to have such friends as you. Hope to catch all of you soon!
Another big thank-you goes out to both our families. Thank you for all your comments, the good, the bad and the ugly. It is because of your comments that we have become who we are today, extremely mindful of each other and those around us.
A big thank-you to our Pastor, who has watched over my family from since my parents were youths. It must bring back a lot of fond memories to be a part of our wedding and I can tell you, it means a lot to my parents. We thank you for putting yourself under so much physical strain to deliver the perfect blessing. We can never repay you for your time with us.
A very special thank-you to friends of my father - thank you for keeping my father surrounded with so much love that he has trouble defining what loneliness is. Thank you for loving him so much that it makes loving you challenging for me. Thank you for all the memories, life for me would definitely be a lot less interesting without all of you :)
A very special shout-out to Aunty Susie, this distance between us will close very soon :)
To E, my precious girl, thank you for all your parcels :) I am still wishing you were here!!
To everyone who came, an apology for not being able to spend as much time as I liked with each of you - I hope to catch up with as many of you as I can :) Drop me and email or poke me to remind me (Debbie is growing forgetful)!
My final, forever thank-you goes out to Rz. Well, look what you've done! :P I am JUST so glad it is you. So glad. I know I can face anything with God and you on my side :)
--
Photos? Well, erm I have nearly 2GBs sitting on my external harddisk, and more to come. I don't think I'll be able to rush them out just yet as I only managed to stabilise my computer (somewhat). So please indulge me and stay tuned!
- 4 July 2008 11:27am -
Friday, May 30, 2008
花ざかりの君たちへ!
After months of trying to push myself harder and harder, I finally threw in the towel and resigned.
I am so drained mentally and I can barely find the physical energy to do anything more than the necessary everyday.
I don't find joy in my work and I am frustrated with colleagues who just keep dumping more and more work onto me without the permissions of my immediate or senior bosses. I am also sick and tired of being lectured for other people's mistakes.
All in all, I'm tired of being tired and sick of being sick. Everyday I get to deal with people with huge attitude problems. I find myself becoming more and more like someone I don't want to be. It's not like they are paying me properly too. And so it's sayonara.
I've already stopped being angry, bitter or upset. I just can't wait to get out of there.
My last days here at this firm will be spent covering for one colleague after another on top of my own duties but I am still determined to leave on a good note.
- 31 May 2008 10:42am -
I am so drained mentally and I can barely find the physical energy to do anything more than the necessary everyday.
I don't find joy in my work and I am frustrated with colleagues who just keep dumping more and more work onto me without the permissions of my immediate or senior bosses. I am also sick and tired of being lectured for other people's mistakes.
All in all, I'm tired of being tired and sick of being sick. Everyday I get to deal with people with huge attitude problems. I find myself becoming more and more like someone I don't want to be. It's not like they are paying me properly too. And so it's sayonara.
I've already stopped being angry, bitter or upset. I just can't wait to get out of there.
My last days here at this firm will be spent covering for one colleague after another on top of my own duties but I am still determined to leave on a good note.
- 31 May 2008 10:42am -
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Shiraz & Kimchi
Apart from being sick and making sense of office politicking, I don't really see any difference between April and May 2008. All I seem to be doing is to get myself feeling sicker and more exhausted.
As the big day draws ever closer, I find myself getting more and more skittish when people ask about preparations. I know everyone is excited and happy for good reason, but somehow it all equates to additional pressure. I know I'm blessed to have so many people want to be involved and I am indeed very, very thankful. But ask me to give a definite time and venue or where to stand, what to do, etc and I freak out because I haven't got a clue. And then later the same day I'll find that I get worried about not having a clue. And so on and so forth >____< style="font-style: italic;">three family fronts, things have not been rosy healthwise. Which serves to explain further why I don't feel very celebratory or excited even though the actual day is so close. In fact there were several whole days I actually felt more like grieving.
Sigh. Growing up is so painful sometimes.
...
A number of random people have invaded my Flickr photostream the past two weeks.
They seemingly appear out of nowhere, fave up all my random photos from goodness-knows-when, sometimes I can even tell when a user has gone through ALL my 100+ pages (who knows how they find the time?!), leave comments like "Hey, you look cute, wanna be friends?" or "Hey your hammy looks like my hammy.. can I ask you a question" and then they add me, leaving me with a severely flooded Flickr inbox (288 mails at last login) and a moderately sour aftertaste.
Sure, I'm thankful my account has views and that people actually want to see my photos. But I feel a 'little' obsession can get a bit much.
After some random left me a comment something along the lines of "Hi, I used to have an Asian friend too.. If I get to see her again in this lifetime I'll die happy", I decided to deploy an 'energy saving device': I had a whole bunch of my photos restricted to friends and family only >___< href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/-d/2419293275/" title=""Hello!" Kimchi by hesedetang *, on Flickr">
Shiraz
- 8 May 2008 1:35am -
As the big day draws ever closer, I find myself getting more and more skittish when people ask about preparations. I know everyone is excited and happy for good reason, but somehow it all equates to additional pressure. I know I'm blessed to have so many people want to be involved and I am indeed very, very thankful. But ask me to give a definite time and venue or where to stand, what to do, etc and I freak out because I haven't got a clue. And then later the same day I'll find that I get worried about not having a clue. And so on and so forth >____< style="font-style: italic;">three family fronts, things have not been rosy healthwise. Which serves to explain further why I don't feel very celebratory or excited even though the actual day is so close. In fact there were several whole days I actually felt more like grieving.
Sigh. Growing up is so painful sometimes.
...
A number of random people have invaded my Flickr photostream the past two weeks.
They seemingly appear out of nowhere, fave up all my random photos from goodness-knows-when, sometimes I can even tell when a user has gone through ALL my 100+ pages (who knows how they find the time?!), leave comments like "Hey, you look cute, wanna be friends?" or "Hey your hammy looks like my hammy.. can I ask you a question" and then they add me, leaving me with a severely flooded Flickr inbox (288 mails at last login) and a moderately sour aftertaste.
Sure, I'm thankful my account has views and that people actually want to see my photos. But I feel a 'little' obsession can get a bit much.
After some random left me a comment something along the lines of "Hi, I used to have an Asian friend too.. If I get to see her again in this lifetime I'll die happy", I decided to deploy an 'energy saving device': I had a whole bunch of my photos restricted to friends and family only >___< href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/-d/2419293275/" title=""Hello!" Kimchi by hesedetang *, on Flickr">
Shiraz
- 8 May 2008 1:35am -
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Speak My Language
It's been a long, long week. I can't even count the number of things that went wrong around me. There were simply too many.
The constant rushing is driving me crazy. I can't believe it is already April. Rz went home tonight and I was feeling a little out of whack - I just needed to go back to where I know I'd always be welcome and loved. So I found myself at R's. And I had another of those moments I just know I'll remember for my entire life.
R's mother and I have always had what observers would call a "communication problem": me and my kindergarten standard Mandarin and her even-her-English-is-slightly-better-than-my-Mandarin-English. But somehow there have been a couple of times when she's said something that hits me directly. Hits home. Hits the mark. Well, just hits me awake.
This time she said (in Mandarin of course):
"When I see you I see me. Struggling. Struggling alone. Alone all the time. Preparing for a wedding alone. Hunting for a house alone. Getting everything done alone. Working at the same time. Looking after a child alone. If you need me tell me I will be able to help you. Even if it is money don't be afraid to just ask."
In that moment I felt as though my heart was suspended in mid-air as my brain translated her words at kindergarten-speed. And then I felt something cave in inside. When she used the word 'alone', I just knew that she knew I KNEW exactly what she meant. She wasn't referring to me being without Rz. She was referring to not having a mother. Not having the love and warmth of a mother's shoulder to lean on.
Helplessly I find I don't have words for her. Not any she can make sense of, nor any that I may translate into my lousy Mandarin for aiding her understanding. This is the failure of language. Not communication. Language is a hindrance.
After our mini-moment I saw what she saw too - the parallels that exist in her life and mine. The idea itself is incredible, considering that after weeks upon weeks of being ostracised, made use of, gossiped about in the office by people who speak the SAME language, I find myself facing my own past, present and future in someone who cannot use the same words I can.
What I really was burning to say was this:
"I'll be okay, just as you are okay now. Just as God has made your life into something so beautiful, despite all the grief that you had to go through, He will make something beautiful out of mine too. There were so many times I knew you were looking out for R and I, watching over us and loving us and I thank you for everything. I feel bad asking you for anything if I can help it, because your love is already a huge deal to me."
But as usual, all I managed was a feeble, "Orh (Okay), don't worry, I'm okay.." ~____~" Argggghhh sometimes I think I am more like my father than I know.
Anyway (the bit about dad is besides the point) I am still very touched by what she said (and didn't say) and its been making me cry.
This amazing woman, who happens to be my bestest friend's mum, sees the past, the present and the future. She has cried, has grieved so many times over, and yet will always laugh and love. Here is someone whose life has had so many sorrows but yet she is far from being bitter and resentful. To me this comes as a breath of life after a long period of drowning in my own self doubt.
So perhaps I really have two best friends where I thought I only had one? Whatever it is, I know that I am blessed. Blessed to have amazing friends all over the place.
- 5 April 2008 3:25am -
The constant rushing is driving me crazy. I can't believe it is already April. Rz went home tonight and I was feeling a little out of whack - I just needed to go back to where I know I'd always be welcome and loved. So I found myself at R's. And I had another of those moments I just know I'll remember for my entire life.
R's mother and I have always had what observers would call a "communication problem": me and my kindergarten standard Mandarin and her even-her-English-is-slightly-better-than-my-Mandarin-English. But somehow there have been a couple of times when she's said something that hits me directly. Hits home. Hits the mark. Well, just hits me awake.
This time she said (in Mandarin of course):
"When I see you I see me. Struggling. Struggling alone. Alone all the time. Preparing for a wedding alone. Hunting for a house alone. Getting everything done alone. Working at the same time. Looking after a child alone. If you need me tell me I will be able to help you. Even if it is money don't be afraid to just ask."
In that moment I felt as though my heart was suspended in mid-air as my brain translated her words at kindergarten-speed. And then I felt something cave in inside. When she used the word 'alone', I just knew that she knew I KNEW exactly what she meant. She wasn't referring to me being without Rz. She was referring to not having a mother. Not having the love and warmth of a mother's shoulder to lean on.
Helplessly I find I don't have words for her. Not any she can make sense of, nor any that I may translate into my lousy Mandarin for aiding her understanding. This is the failure of language. Not communication. Language is a hindrance.
After our mini-moment I saw what she saw too - the parallels that exist in her life and mine. The idea itself is incredible, considering that after weeks upon weeks of being ostracised, made use of, gossiped about in the office by people who speak the SAME language, I find myself facing my own past, present and future in someone who cannot use the same words I can.
What I really was burning to say was this:
"I'll be okay, just as you are okay now. Just as God has made your life into something so beautiful, despite all the grief that you had to go through, He will make something beautiful out of mine too. There were so many times I knew you were looking out for R and I, watching over us and loving us and I thank you for everything. I feel bad asking you for anything if I can help it, because your love is already a huge deal to me."
But as usual, all I managed was a feeble, "Orh (Okay), don't worry, I'm okay.." ~____~" Argggghhh sometimes I think I am more like my father than I know.
Anyway (the bit about dad is besides the point) I am still very touched by what she said (and didn't say) and its been making me cry.
This amazing woman, who happens to be my bestest friend's mum, sees the past, the present and the future. She has cried, has grieved so many times over, and yet will always laugh and love. Here is someone whose life has had so many sorrows but yet she is far from being bitter and resentful. To me this comes as a breath of life after a long period of drowning in my own self doubt.
So perhaps I really have two best friends where I thought I only had one? Whatever it is, I know that I am blessed. Blessed to have amazing friends all over the place.
- 5 April 2008 3:25am -
Monday, March 10, 2008
Logical Thought Process
I am tired - being concerned about other people is so tiresome.
I am tired of being concerned. Other people can be so tiresome.
I am tired of being concerned about tiresome people.
I am tired of having tiresome people show me concern.
I am tired. Everything is so tiresome. I NEED a holiday.
- 14 March 2008 11:45pm -
I am tired of being concerned. Other people can be so tiresome.
I am tired of being concerned about tiresome people.
I am tired of having tiresome people show me concern.
I am tired. Everything is so tiresome. I NEED a holiday.
- 14 March 2008 11:45pm -
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Rebellious-ness
Another mundane week of rushing deadlines. If another real-estate project comes in today with TOP or CSC I'll be ready to keel. Seriously.
Whiny whiny. Hence this early morning rebellious blog-post. Oh well.
The photoshoot was last Sunday and we unexpectedly had a lot of fun :) Despite the fact that so many things went wrong the last minute, somehow we managed to smile and have fun in front of the camera which really - is what matters.
We went to three locations (Botanic Gardens, Alexandra Hill and Sentosa Cove) after our studio shoot :) We didn't get much blue sky (as much as we were both hoping) but I have faith the photos will look good anyway.
Our photographer K. and make-up artist L. left a me thinking a lot about life. These two individuals are so different but somehow something about the both of them attracts something deep inside me. Not that I'm attracted to them per se, gosh let me re-phrase before this becomes a scandal: In a sense, I really like their worldview and attitudes because they are so similar and yet so distinct from mine.
It is interesting albeit tiresome these days, as it seems that every new person I meet gets me thinking quite hard about life. About love. About my job. About my past. Off hand I can think of a number of people, but I shall not name them because it does embarrass me somewhat to admit I think of them at all >___>
I believe this current state of mind was brought on by the dis-satisfaction I've been feeling since I started work here. I guess I've grown up a lot since my last encounter with a law firm and I have become rather decided in what I will settle for and where I will draw the line when it comes to work and office politicking. And the more I think about it, the less I feel like talking about it (let alone blogging about it), hence my distance (from Blogger and Flickr as well as in real life) recently.
Anyway even with this dis-contentment with work (plus all the stupid set-backs that have happened in the recent weeks), I have still been keeping rather positive about things on the overall, and I admit I am rather proud of my efforts because it hasn't been easy :)
...
Souffle is really a powerful mama - she is fat all year round even when not pregnant and gives birth to the most chubby babies. She gave birth to another son on Monday which effectively makes this her fourth litter! Photos to be Flickr-ed soon :3
- 27 February 2008 8:45am -
Whiny whiny. Hence this early morning rebellious blog-post. Oh well.
The photoshoot was last Sunday and we unexpectedly had a lot of fun :) Despite the fact that so many things went wrong the last minute, somehow we managed to smile and have fun in front of the camera which really - is what matters.
We went to three locations (Botanic Gardens, Alexandra Hill and Sentosa Cove) after our studio shoot :) We didn't get much blue sky (as much as we were both hoping) but I have faith the photos will look good anyway.
Our photographer K. and make-up artist L. left a me thinking a lot about life. These two individuals are so different but somehow something about the both of them attracts something deep inside me. Not that I'm attracted to them per se, gosh let me re-phrase before this becomes a scandal: In a sense, I really like their worldview and attitudes because they are so similar and yet so distinct from mine.
It is interesting albeit tiresome these days, as it seems that every new person I meet gets me thinking quite hard about life. About love. About my job. About my past. Off hand I can think of a number of people, but I shall not name them because it does embarrass me somewhat to admit I think of them at all >___>
I believe this current state of mind was brought on by the dis-satisfaction I've been feeling since I started work here. I guess I've grown up a lot since my last encounter with a law firm and I have become rather decided in what I will settle for and where I will draw the line when it comes to work and office politicking. And the more I think about it, the less I feel like talking about it (let alone blogging about it), hence my distance (from Blogger and Flickr as well as in real life) recently.
Anyway even with this dis-contentment with work (plus all the stupid set-backs that have happened in the recent weeks), I have still been keeping rather positive about things on the overall, and I admit I am rather proud of my efforts because it hasn't been easy :)
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Souffle is really a powerful mama - she is fat all year round even when not pregnant and gives birth to the most chubby babies. She gave birth to another son on Monday which effectively makes this her fourth litter! Photos to be Flickr-ed soon :3
- 27 February 2008 8:45am -
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
ギャップにやられた!
I can't believe it is already well past January and onto February. Where did all the time go?! Since I started work in late September, time has evolved into a blurred mass.
Life seems so dramatic over here and frankly, I tire of ranting too haha :P I'm okay I guess, on the surface. Internally I could do with a long, long vacation - from work, from everything :P
At least, I tell myself, I am not stagnating, I am moving forwards, I am losing weight, having fun, and as time goes by, I'm getting a little closer towards my goals.
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Anyway, some photos from my firm's weekend trip to Ho Chi Minh City :) (which reminds me I need to get these processed ASAP!)
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Note: No porting over last year's posts to another URL like before, this year. Since end 2006, blogger has disallowed new URLS to be created with a "-" in front. So in order not to lose my precious 5 year old -d.blogspot.com URL, I've dispensed with the practice as of last year :)
- 13 February 2008 10:37am -
Life seems so dramatic over here and frankly, I tire of ranting too haha :P I'm okay I guess, on the surface. Internally I could do with a long, long vacation - from work, from everything :P
At least, I tell myself, I am not stagnating, I am moving forwards, I am losing weight, having fun, and as time goes by, I'm getting a little closer towards my goals.
...
Anyway, some photos from my firm's weekend trip to Ho Chi Minh City :) (which reminds me I need to get these processed ASAP!)
...
Note: No porting over last year's posts to another URL like before, this year. Since end 2006, blogger has disallowed new URLS to be created with a "-" in front. So in order not to lose my precious 5 year old -d.blogspot.com URL, I've dispensed with the practice as of last year :)
- 13 February 2008 10:37am -
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