Skip to content

The Onion newspaper

Become a Member. Get the Paper.

Thursday, September 17, 2026

64°

Mostly metaphorical

America’s Finest News Source

News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
The Onion Store

News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
The Onion Store

Thursday, September 17, 2026

64°

Mostly metaphorical

Become A Member

The Latest
News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Video
Search
Horoscopes
About Us
The Onion Store
- Instagram
- Twitter
- Facebook
- YouTube
- TikTok
- Bluesky
- Tumblr

Instagram
Facebook
YouTube
TikTok
Bluesky
Tumblr

News

News

Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama…

News

Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed
News

Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes
News

God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes
News

Sandra Bullock Regrets ‘Practical Magic 2’ After Realizing She Could’ve Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman

Become A Member Of The Last Functioning Part Of Our Democracy.

Join The Onion Today

Read More

News

Woman Sleeps Her Way To Top Of Family

GALENA, IL—Calling the woman a “desperate slut” who hadn’t put in a hard day’s work in her life, an anonymous source told reporters Monday that…
News

Biggest Revelations From ‘Musk’

Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is…
News

Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down

WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart toilets…
News

Tips For Detecting AI Scams

The FBI warns artificial intelligence is being exploited around the globe by criminals who use the technology for deception. The Onion shares tips for detecting…
News

CDC Successfully Eradicates Children

ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday…
News

Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of ‘GTA IX’

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a…

Like A Vitamin You Ingest With Your Eyes. Get The Onion Newsletter.

"*" indicates required fields

LinkedIn

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Subscribe For All the Latest Headlines*

*

By subscribing to our newsletter you have read, understood and agree to the terms of our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use

Δ

News

God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People

THE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of…
News

Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92
News

Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where they’re going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling…
News

Rolo Ad Greatly Overestimates The Social Element Of Eating Rolos

HERSHEY, PA—Calling into question the candy brand’s apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a…
News

What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana

SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on…
News

AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers ‘Computer Parties’

SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to…

1 2 3 … 890

1 … 890

Advertising

American Voices

American Voices

Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face
American Voices

Judge Judy Retires
American Voices

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

Cartoons

Boning Up
The World According to Harp
Home Heeled Advantage
Church Organ
Men Overly Bored

Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number.

Become An Onion Member Today

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest

Football, Sports

The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game
Politics

Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde
Entertainment

Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour
American Voices

Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face

Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday

Virgo

(August 23 to September 22):

Replace lid on tray so it is elevated over your Stouffer’s lasagna, then bake for an additional 45 minutes.

Read Your Horoscope

Subscribe for all the latest Headlines

"*" indicates required fields

Get All The Latest Headlines By Email, Once A Day*

*

By subscribing to our newsletter you have read, understood and agree to the terms of our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use

Δ

Sections

The Latest
News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Video

Explore

Search
About Us
Become a Member
The Onion Store
Front Page Archive
Jobs

© 2026

The Onion

Print Membership Terms

Instagram
Facebook
YouTube
TikTok
Bluesky
Tumblr

Advertisement

Advertisement