Oh, She Inspires

Izlain

So I’m sipping on this drink she makes—
Kiwi, lemon, honey, and
aloe vera of all things,
like healing wasn’t supposed to taste this clean.

I don’t even fuck with smoothies,
but I need this—
this hydration, this hyper-fixation,
this quiet calibration
to her specific vibrations.

As the fiber washes over me,
settling somewhere deeper than my gut,
I glance up from the glass—
she’s standing at the sink,
light catching in the small movements,
and I can’t help but think:

This one might actually be the right one.
Twenty years gone,
but it still hits like the first time—
like memory forgot how to age.

Mind blown—I’m reckless with it,
call it stupid, call it honest.
Blow smoke—yeah, I’ve been here before,
but this feels different when I want it.

The way that her hand grips mine,
not tight—just enough to say stay,
like she already knows
what I haven’t found words to say.

It’s only a matter—
not if, just in due time.
Something steady in the chaos,
something rare in the rhyme.

This won’t settle for “fine,”
nah—this grows, this climbs,
give it a minute—
watch your pulse sync with mine.

And then—

maybe the noise fades out,
maybe the past loosens its grip,
maybe love stops feeling like risk
and starts feeling like something you live with.

Or maybe we crash,
like everything beautiful sometimes does—
but even then,
I’d know what it was

to feel this clear,
this close, this aligned—

like for a moment in time,
something chose us
at the exact same time.

I am a Late Adopter

Izlain

I didn’t realize it until I started thinking about the topic of AI, but it turns out I’m what you would call a “late adopter.”

I thought this to myself, and then said “no, that can’t be right.” But upon further introspection it is actually quite true that I have never been a first to market consumer.

Every console that I bought with my own money had been out for a while before I picked it up. I did own the NES and Genesis right around release but I didn’t buy those. I didn’t buy the Saturn either but it was in the house around release time. My first PC was a gift from my late father, but even then it wasn’t top of the line, and he had owned an IBM, Atari and Windows PC by that time.

I didn’t buy my first smart phone til the iPhone had been out for at least 3-5 years and I didn’t buy one of those either. Smart watches existed for the same amount of time before I bought one. I just got my first tablet last year. I can remember collecting cassette tapes while friends bought CDs. I collected VHS while everyone moved onto DVD. Barely touched Blu-Ray before everything went digital.

I made it a practice to wait for the latest consoles to release a midlife update and price cut before buying my PS2, PS3 and PS4. I still don’t have a PS5 and there hasn’t been a price drop either with the Slim models releasing at the same price and the Pro costing considerably more. I got a PSVita several years after they stopped supporting them. Even when I finally had the opportunity to build my own PC, on both occasions I opted for near but not top end parts.

I did preorder a Steam Deck but by the time my reservation was ready I no longer wished to spend the cash. I still want one, though I’m certain an upgrade already exists or is being produced to go along with the rest of the Steam ecosystem they’re promoting. If nothing else, other competitors have already pushed out better performing models though I really like the idea of the Steam Box in the living room, Steam on my PC and a Steam Deck for on the go synchrony. The whole AI driven ram crisis needs a solution before any of us buy much of anything that’s affordable when it comes to electronics though.

It’s an interesting dynamic, there are those who must have the newest tech (or other commodities for that matter) the second it hits shelves, and those like me who prefer getting products after the kinks have been worked out and for less money too. Which pattern do you find yourself in?

These last few sporadic posts probably reflect my mental state as of late, and I have a few more in the tank. I was sitting alone with my thoughts and thinking about AI and its usage and realized with that too, I am a late adopter, though probably not as late as the larger population. I meant to lead into more thoughts about this topic but my brain lead us elsewhere.

I do intend to write up thoughts about AI though as it’s a pertinent topic for us all right now. There have also been more real life changes and some new plans are taking shape.

More to come.

I am a Creative.

Izlain

I suppose I always have been.

In this recent stint of unemployment, I’ve discovered some things about myself, or perhaps rediscovered them. This realization spans more time than just these past couple of months. I can obviously point to this blog, podcasts and my YouTube content as many varied examples of being creative — or at least always needing an outlet.

Watching video content is something very passive. You are fed imagery and sound and your brain takes what it can from that — you either process and absorb new information, are entertained or otherwise forget said information. This could spark some of your own creativity but isn’t an outlet itself.

Gaming is more of an active pastime. You and your brain are part of a loop, where you feed inputs into a game and are presented with imagery and sound, but your brain gets the dopamine hit from achieving things rather than just being force fed something created by someone else. In that sense it does provide more of a sense of agency, and you do have a part of what is fed into the game, creating your own story and thereby having some level of creative output. Crafting and building game engines like Minecraft, mods and other creation tools that allow for level design provide even more of an outlet for creative folks.

Writing, painting or creating something from scratch is a true outlet, and I suppose that is what I’m coming back around to.

Back during the pandemic I attempted to pick up a new hobby in Warhammer 40k. I’m sure I don’t need to describe to you what that is, but I will say that I only got to the point of gluing the models together and spraying them with primer only for those same models to sit on a shelf until just last summer, untouched. When I did finally commit to trying to paint I was hooked. I enjoyed my share of model cars and such as a kid, and I was always attracted to Warhammer/Table Top Wargaming, it was always just a little too expensive. It still is a little too expensive, but with adult money I was able to buy some kits, grow an army and learn about painting, supplies and techniques. Painting is very cathartic and I didn’t really know that until I got fully into the hobby. I used to find deck-building and brewing for Magic: The Gathering soothing. Nah man, painting is where it’s at. Still have yet to even play a proper in-person game but I will have a nice looking army when I finally do.

Those examples aside, I was just trying to express my enjoyment for things that I guess I hadn’t really expressed in a while, and things that I’ve done for these years while I wasn’t blogging. It’s funny, I’ve always said this thing will never die, and though this was my longest absence yet, we are still here once again together on the Internet.

Another thing I learned is that I really enjoy making video content but it is simply much more work. I also think I pigeonholed myself where I don’t necessarily want to be forever, and as such haven’t posted anything on my channel in like 6 months besides some livestreams. I have a plan and changes will happen, but I am overall in a transitory state right now IRL, so there’s going to be some growing pains along the way. I am 100% positive that in the near future I will be able to not only post stuff here but also keep up with the aforementioned hobbies and also relaunch some new YouTube content and be able to keep up with it, because life should be much different going forward if all goes the way I expect. That’s an example of a run-on sentence and I’m leaving it just the way it is.

One last thing: I’m writing a novel. It’s one that I started probably fifteen years ago, but have actually started making some significant progress lately due to having the time but also participating in some writing-group style meetings with my sister, who is also working on various projects (and has some published stuff out there already). She introduced me to this website called “Living Writer” and it has made the process a little more efficient. I’m up around 15k words at this point, so maybe about 25% of the way but the framework for the whole project is mostly done. I think it packs some cool ideas but still fits within familiar tropes.

I have more thoughts on writing and also AI and the future of things coming up in a future post. Until then.

Me vs. Myself and I. Again.

Izlain1 Comment

You may have noticed some changes around here, if you happened to be subscribed or maybe I popped up in your RSS feed of “dead bloggers.” However you found yourself here, allow myself to reintroduce myself.

I’m Izlain. Or at least that has been the moniker for a while. It originated a very long time ago on an Everquest server that likely no longer exists. I started this blog back in Janurary of 2005, so you could say this thing is old enough to drink now. It has, actually been 21 years since 2005, so it is indeed a new anniversary for this blog. The caveat here being that I haven’t really touched it in 5+ years, so I’m not sure I can count all those years of not doing anything. I can give you the excuse that I transitioned into Audio/Video content and that body of work speaks for itself.

I’m not here to celebrate anything or even to make an excuse about my absence, nor am I committing to any sort of regular output. Instead, I’m reintroducing myself, and we’ll see what happens.

I pruned what was here. There were many posts about Football or Magic: The Gathering or even low quality personal posts that I removed from publication. Some of that was to protect myself from being potentially cancelled for saying the “wrong” thing decades ago, and part of that was trying to remove stuff that isn’t really “timeless.” In my opinion the gaming coverage and related posts still have some relevance to someone who might want to know about something “retro” at this point.

Obviously the logo changed and I have more to share about that and image generation in general these days, but I’ll leave that for another post I have planned. I also sadly am not paying for the domain name and extra storage anymore, so it’s likely I keep my posts image free from here on out, but I can do my best to describe things if needed.

I’ve been gaming through the years I haven’t posted, and there’s a lot I could share, and perhaps I’ll make a catch-all style post about those games. One thing some of you might find interesting is that I resubscribed to Everquest II, and it’s been damn near a decade since the last time I played it, but I discovered the classic style servers and the one I joined is currently locked at Echoes of Faydwer and that was literally my favorite era so I’m actually enjoying playing through the old starter areas. I am aware though that I’ve had that sort of relationship with the game and that this could last a while or be another short-lived excursion.

I’ve also loved the fact that cross-play is a thing now. I still have yet to acquire a Playstation 5, but I have my Playstation Plus subscription and have done the same thing with this console generation that I did with the last, where I claim all the games I can’t play yet but will have an “instant game collection” whenever I actually get the new one. I was considering grabbing a Pro model while I’m at it, but a console that costs half of a PC is a bit of a turnoff. Regardless, having the ability to play with friends regardless of if they’re on a Sony platform or a Microsoft platform or on any number of PC configurations has been a huge boon. Recently I’ve played games with friends who are on the Playstation 5 while joining in on my PC has been amazing. Discord has also been key in keeping us engaged with each other.

So yeah, I’m here, I’m back so to speak. More to come.

I am Jack’s wasted life

Izlain

I cried this morning.

When I think about it, I’ve cried more often in my 40s than I ever did as a younger man.

I’m emotional now. It happens when I least expect. A fleeting thought sends me into a spiral.

Dad died late 2022. It wasn’t exactly sudden, as he had a stroke the year prior and was staying in my home through most of 2021. We had a falling out towards the end of that year and he decided to go elsewhere. I never spoke to him again. He didn’t reach out from his deathbed.

I had the same job since late 2021 when he left my home. I had been unemployed for a while to tend to him, but rejoined the work force thereafter. I did well. Managed a promotion in under 2 years; was finally starting to make decent money. Sadly our economy had other things to say about that, so my rent was raised along with the cost of living and eventually it came to the point that I knew I couldn’t maintain my current lifestyle despite the fact that I was making more than I ever had to that point.

We moved into our current space mid-2025. It’s a clear downgrade and doesn’t cost much less but it allowed me to keep my job and it improved some aspects of life. Yet life itself tends to have designs for us that we don’t anticipate.

I lost my job in November. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say that I was screwed over and am trying to get unemployment or some form of employment but that hasn’t come through yet. Thankfully I had almost 200 hours of vacation on the books so my final payout was decent but funds are running out and the walls are closing in.

A glimmer of hope tinged with sadness has come about. I lost another family member last month. She was my Father’s Aunt, my Great-Aunt, and essentially the Matriarch of that side of the family. She did well for herself and left a Will & Trust to take care of us after she passed. She was a great lady that I sadly had to put into a home when my Father had his stroke. She was 96 so by no means a young woman anymore, and she should have passed long before he did.

Since I was a boy he always told me about his plans. He had intended to execute the will, move off somewhere until his end of days and then leave me his estate when the time came. Now, things are different.

His sister, my Aunt, whom I hadn’t seen or spoken to since I was 10 years old was “helping” my Father between him leaving my home and his death. They didn’t speak for years, he’s always disliked her due to childhood traumas. She weaseled her way into becoming the Executor after his death, and honestly it was a weight off of my shoulders. Now it seems that she might have been doing some shady dealings for the last couple of years, but nothing is proven, just my gut telling me things don’t feel right.

I spoke to a lawyer. They are hopefully willing to take on my “contingency” case and I’ll know more soon. I’m not entirely sure what I’m owed and I don’t have the time to waste.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. No one who reads this even knows me.

I suppose it’s cathartic, and this was a form of therapy for me in years past. I probably should talk to someone because things have been dark for a long time. That’s something for another day I guess.

I’ve thought about coming back here to write many times, but producing content on YouTube took precedent because it actually pays me a nominal amount. I took on editing for another channel as well, and if you or someone you know needs a decent editor, I’m open for more work.

I’m not sure what else to say. But I might make some sort of return in the future, even if it is just to get these fucked up thoughts out of my head.

Thanks for reading.