agonyaunt | Recent Entries

DEAR ABBY: My husband throws a fit over every minor inconvenience, from the trash can being knocked over to the screen door being in his way. He starts yelling and cursing and slamming doors. I don't understand it. When things like this happen to other people, they simply pick up the mess or move the object and go about their day.

I try to help and move stuff around to avoid his fits, but they are inevitable, it seems. I cannot handle the negativity over something so trivial. Our neighbors can hear him, and I'd feel embarrassed, if I were him, to be heard cursing like a child having a tantrum.

How would you advise I handle this situation? I am at my wits' end. I feel as though I will have to live with the yelling and anger forever. -- IN THE LINE OF FIRE

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I've been a widow for nine years and just got engaged. When I asked my fiance if I could put a picture of my late husband in our new home, he became upset. He said he shouldn't have to walk into his own home and look at pictures of a man who once "had" me.

I have three kids with my late husband. We were high school sweethearts, and I took his death extremely hard. I can't help but think that my fiance is overreacting. I feel he wants me to just erase everything I had with my husband.

My kids will be living with us, too. Should I respect his wishes, or should I stand my ground and make sure my late husband's memory is alive for the sake of my children? -- REMEMBERING IN AMERICAN SAMOA

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conuly

Dear Eric: My spouse is unable to say "Oops, sorry." He automatically denies having done the thing or blames me or my son – even if he literally just did it in front of me/us.

It's been an issue for decades. We first went to counseling because he left a shower head pointing at a weird angle, so water got all over the wall and floor when I turned on the shower. He saw me mopping up and asked why, and I matter-of-factly told him he'd left the shower head pointing out of the shower. I expected a "Whoops! Sorry about that." (Which would have resolved everything instantly.)

Instead, he took a snippy tone and asked, "Why didn't you check the position of the shower head before you turned on the water?"

Over the years, this pattern has recurred. Recently, he wasn't flushing the toilet regularly. I asked him nicely not to leave number-twos behind for me to find, and he responded with an aggressive "You don't know that it was me!" (I had just seen him leave the bathroom.)

I have repeatedly tried asking him to remain calm and explaining that this behavior causes me to lose respect for him and that it damages our relationship. I have explained DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to him.

Counselors have in the past put the onus on me to preface any negative feedback with a request that he not rile up. Which works pretty well, assuming I have enough emotional presence of mind to pre-regulate him as I am also regulating myself.

Help! This affects me cumulatively. Every time he does it, I feel angrier.

– “The Divorce Came out of Nowhere"

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magid

A member of my staff has asked that we change their name and their pronouns to they/them. We have done that without question, of course, and have delivered training to colleagues. It is not up for negotiation. We honor this request in our company.

As a part of this, they also have adjusted how they refer to themselves, using “we” rather than “I” and asking us to refer to them as a collective rather than a single being. They base this on identifying with the Internal Family Systems Model and feeling they have multiple personalities within them. They refer to personality traits with names and assign responsibility to these personalities for mood, attitude, and work habits. They DO take responsibility for these things personally and are receptive to feedback—they accept and integrate and work on improving skills. In conversations about issues, though, they refer to that being X person’s influence or that Y just isn’t online today, that sort of thing.

This person is not, as far as I can tell, under the care of a mental health professional.

I am not a psychiatrist. I do not play one on TV. And I am not about to pretend I know what’s going on here from a mental health perspective.

What I do know is that when a person refers to themselves as “we,” the vast majority of people understand that to mean more than one person. And, when the person sometimes speaks on behalf of an company or group (but most times do not) people receiving any “we” will, understandably, assume that person is talking about their whole team, department, or company.

This has obvious impacts. They are on vacation and they’re out of office says, “We are on vacation.” They report about a project and they say “we accomplished X.” They are out sick and so, “We are out of the office today.” Does that mean only they are? Is their entire team out? Is the whole department on vacay? Do we celebrate an accomplishment of one person or the whole team?

It is very important to me that I honor the (be it harmless or legally required) requests of the people around me when it comes to their identities and needs. It costs nothing to be kind!

But, this is having a negative impact on others and I cannot take care of one person’s needs while diminishing another’s.

So, what is the right thing to do here? How can I honor the needs of the team for clarity and understanding?

Do I ask this person to use “I” while honoring their “they?”

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conuly

Dear Good Job,

I am a college staff member who works adjacent to a faculty member. He seems to go out of his way to annoy me: He loudly drums on his desk; he asks me to “fetch” office supplies for him; he walks into my office to rummage around for things he needs; he believes (as many faculty seem to do) that staff don’t need to attend training or meetings as part of their work; he insists on interrupting my Zoom meetings; and until another employee intervened, Professor So-and-so would call me at midnight or 6 a.m. to ask questions that he could easily Google.

He really angered me today when I had a sign on my door stating, “I am in a Zoom meeting from 11 a.m. to noon. Please do not disturb.”

He knocked on my door for several minutes. He said, very loudly, “I keep knocking, and I hear her in the office, but she doesn’t answer. Perhaps I should call the police to do a wellness check.” When the other person pointed out the sign, he replied, “She needs to drop what she is doing and do her job. I need her help right now.” What was so urgent? He had a question about something that will happen next week; it could have waited and been sent in an email.

What got my goat, though, was that he told a student to knock on my door. I finally excused myself from the Zoom meeting and opened the door to find a student knocking loudly. I pointed to the sign and said, “Do not disturb. I’m in a meeting.” He said, “It’s OK. Professor So-and-so said I needed to knock really loud until you answered so you would get back to work.”

I’m not sure how to discourage this repeated bad behavior. My boss does nothing. Human resources does nothing. His disrespect is contagious; now several others are also demanding I “get back to work” when I am in a meeting or on my way to a training session. I dread going to work each day. It’s a vacation when this person isn’t in the office.

—Zoom Interrupted

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conuly

I am the eldest of three middle-aged siblings and by far the most stable. Our parents divorced when we were young, and both were neglectful and emotionally abusive. My mother once kicked me out at 17 because her boyfriend told her to choose between him and me. My siblings have always been closer to her, and she has always favored them. In my 30s, I managed to establish a distant but civil relationship with both parents. I see my mother about once every two years and speak to her roughly once a month.

Now in her 80s, my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer’s. Her husband recently told me that if he dies first, I will be responsible for her care. I don’t think I can do it. The thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. My siblings are unlikely to help. Since that conversation, almost a year ago, I have thought about this every day. What, if anything, do I owe my mother? — Name Withheld

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months. He was married for 45 years until his wife died after a five-year illness. He is kind, thoughtful, smart, generous and romantic. Our relationship is exclusive, and things could hardly be better.

Recently, he and one of his grown daughters and her family gathered for dinner to commemorate his wedding anniversary. I thought it was a little strange. She has been gone for two years, and I found myself feeling somewhat hurt. I wasn't invited to the dinner, which doesn't bother me, but I can't escape the feeling that, on some level, he still feels married. Accordingly, I feel as though I'm dating a married man, which I would never do.

As we are not able to easily work through this, he suggested I write you and get your take. Am I being unreasonable and reading too much into this? Is it possible that he is not yet ready for a new relationship? Should I request (or insist) that he refrain from such "celebrations" in the future? -- NOT A CHEATER IN INDIANA

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced father of a 27-year-old daughter. I recently found out she is being married in four months. Of course, I couldn't be happier.

I told my daughter that although I am not rich by any means, I would be glad to chip in what I could for her wedding. When I asked if I could invite a few friends and their spouses, she said I could, but I would have to pay for their plates. I was shocked. What do I do or say? -- DISAPPOINTED DAD IN NEW JERSEY

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katiedid717

I am a teenager who was recently diagnosed with autism after years of struggle. It has been life-changing for me and so helpful. I strongly suspect that my best friend has autism, too. She shares many of the traits that factored into my diagnosis, and she is also struggling. I want to help her, but I worry that it’s not my place to bring it up or that she may react negatively. I’ve told her about my diagnosis, of course, but it was a brief conversation. We speak to each other pretty deeply, so I think I could share my observations with her — but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. Advice?

I’m so pleased that your diagnosis has brought you relief! For many people who are diagnosed later in life — that is to say, not as young children — the realization can often help them to reframe negative or confusing experiences as a result of sensory or social differences. A formal diagnosis can also provide a road map for accommodations at school or at work, as well as connection to specialized therapies and a community of neurodivergent peers. I hope you take advantage of all these opportunities.

Still, I think you are wise to be cautious with your friend. Your autism was most likely identified by a specialist with many years of training and experience — not by a newly diagnosed teenager. Your friend deserves the same quality of care. Now, I absolutely trust that your motivation is to help her, but it is not helpful, in my experience, when lay people make (or suggest) diagnoses that we are not qualified to make. (Shout-out to those who label people “on the spectrum” without any training!)

Two ideas for you: Ask your therapist or the clinician who made your diagnosis for advice about speaking to your friend. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation: Some people might bristle at the suggestion of a neurological disorder. And, generally, sensitive issues are better broached with questions that open doors for people — not with declarations. For instance: “Have you ever wondered if you are on the spectrum?” Then listen to what your friend has to say.

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Licia,” is costing me my relationship with my daughter and grandson, and I don’t know what to do. Licia and our daughter, “Sophia,” have always had a difficult relationship. My wife’s approach to others is, “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you,” and Sophia has never been one to be bossed around. Once she left for college, she barely came home, although she did speak to me on the phone several times a month. She didn’t even tell us when she got married five years ago. According to her, she didn’t want the stress of dealing with her mother while planning, or at, her wedding.

Sophia and her husband have a son, “Aaron,” who is now almost 4, and she has tried to make a relationship with her mother work for his sake. Two weeks ago, she was over at our house with Aaron.

He was playing in the kitchen; Licia was in the room too, eating grapes. When she dropped one, then picked it up and ate it, Aaron told her his mom said not to eat things that have been on the floor. Licia responded that his mom doesn’t know anything and that he shouldn’t listen to her. It turned out that Sophia was just outside the kitchen and heard what her mother said about her. She took Aaron and left.

Sophia’s husband has been contemplating a transfer to another state for his job, but they were on the fence because they wanted to stay close to us so Aaron could see us regularly. Now Sophia says Licia has made the decision for them by “undermining” her to her son. I’ve begged my wife to apologize to Sophia, but she refuses. I am heartsick over the prospect of my daughter moving away and taking my only grandchild with her. How can I get my wife to come to her senses before it’s too late?

—Grieving Grandpa

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conuly

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old granddaughter comes from a family of high achievers. She has a mental illness and has been in therapy since age 5. Medication has been declined. She has separated from a peer group of high-achieving girls and moved toward a new group of less academic students. She also has quit participating in all outside activities except an afternoon part-time job because she wants to save for a car.

Nothing seems to excite her except work, and she's satisfied with mediocre grades, though she says she has high ambitions. She tells me she's happy the way she is. Something seems very wrong to me, and I worry for her future. Any advice? -- PERPLEXED GRANDPOP IN PENNSYLVANIA

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conuly

1. Dear Sahaj: To make a long story short, my fiancé and I are getting married next month. His sister told him she was planning to hold an event for her baby while she’s in town for our wedding (Jewish baby naming ceremony, kind of like a baptism).

My fiancé told her we’d really prefer she hold it any other weekend. Her baby will be over 1 year old and I don’t trust her to throw the event in a way that’s sensitive to our wedding — she often forgets (or refuses) to consider us and dismisses our concerns. Last year, when my fiancé told her I was sad to be de facto excluded from a family weekend she planned, she told me “it’s not fair to put your disappointment on others.”

Well, she was shocked and hurt by our scheduling request. Sister + her husband tried to guilt trip fiancé solo while he was on a work trip in her city. “You’re taking your anger out on my baby!”, and “it’s just 10 minutes, no big deal.” Then the four of us talked, and they said they wanted to repair this. I acknowledged the hurt feelings but declined to hear more, and I shared what I needed.

Now she’s all “I guess everything I do is wrong!”, “I’ve never experienced hatred like this,” and “I can’t trust [fiancé] anymore!” because we set a boundary, communicated openly with each other about things that involve our wedding and relationship and shared how we feel (like she asked!)

Now, we’re trying to be polite and conserve energy before the wedding, but fiancé’s parents and other sister have been pressuring us to reach out or have another big talk. Fiancé’s family says they’re “close” but it feels suffocating.
Help! I just want to have a healthy, happy marriage and a fun, meaningful wedding weekend. How can we protect these things? My fiancé has gotten a lot better with boundaries, but still ends up super guilty and stressed about how his family reacts to us saying no to them.

— Bride To Be Hoping For Peace

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****

2. Dear Prudence,

My sister “Nina” got married in early April, and she’s still angry over something my boyfriend did during the wedding reception. No, he didn’t get wasted, knock over the wedding cake, or make an unwanted pass at anyone. His crime? He proposed to me on the dance floor. After I accepted, people stopped dancing to briefly congratulate us, and then we all went back to having fun. Nina, however, says I completely “upstaged” her and accused me of trying to ruin her wedding by taking the attention away from her!

Now my sister is demanding that I apologize and says she won’t speak to me until I do. She’s even dragged our mom into the act, and now my mom is on my case about it, too. I honestly had no idea my boyfriend was planning to propose to me at her wedding; it was just a pleasant surprise. My boyfriend says I have nothing to apologize for, and my mom and sister are completely out of line. I agree with him, but a part of me wonders if I should just give Nina a fake apology to restore peace in the family. Good idea, or should I stand my ground?

—Proposal Petulence

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conuly

1. DEAR ABBY: For years, my only daughter and I got along pretty well. Then she stopped visiting or speaking to us, meaning we didn't see our grandchildren or my son-in-law. That went on for six to eight years. Suddenly, she has responded on Facebook but refuses to tell me what the problem was.

When you don't communicate with somebody for this long, it's difficult because so much has happened in the interim that conversations are now as if I'm speaking to a stranger. I deeply resent this, though I pretend I'm fine because if I don't, all communication will cease again.

As I near the end of my life, I don't want her to know or come to my "deathbed" (whenever that might be) because the only thing I'm going to want to know is "why," and she will never tell me. It interfered with my relationship with my three granddaughters, so I don't want to see her.

I truly feel if she didn't want any part of me all these years, she shouldn't bother paying lip service now. When that time comes, I only want to be around people who truly loved and cared about me. I can't get my son and my best friend to understand that when the time comes, I just want peace. How can I? -- WEARY IN WASHINGTON

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*****

2. DEAR ABBY: After the last presidential election, my daughter, "Cindy," whom I love with all my heart, turned against me.

Cindy started rebelling when she was a teenager. Our relationship was rocky for some time, but I never stopped loving her. Once she matured, our relationship became much better, so I was shocked when she turned on me in such a vicious way.

She began making up stories about how I had abused her as a child -- absolute lies. She also began sending me nasty text messages, calling me names because of my political beliefs and telling me she no longer wants a relationship with me. I don't care what her political beliefs are. I would never be so cruel to her.

It has been a year and a half since we have had any contact. I have tried writing her letters, which I assume she is throwing in the garbage without reading. I can't call her because she blocked my number, and she has also blocked me on all social media. I need advice about how to move forward. -- GOOD MOM IN THE SOUTH

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conuly

Dear Eric: I lost my husband two years ago after a long, drawn-out decline. It was a traumatic ending.

Our son, now in his late 40s, was indifferent to his father’s decline. Our son has always been a challenge. Difficult teenage years with lots of poor decisions and rebellious behavior. He did not want to be a part of our family and has adopted other families as his own. He calls other people Mom and Dad, does not call or keep in touch with us. I have accepted his decisions.

We were not bad parents. We provided a solid family life, celebrating birthdays, Christmas and vacations. We had a loving home.

When my son was 13, he started breaking the rules, smoking and selling pot, being disrespectful, skipping school and being embarrassed by us. He was not abused or neglected in any way. He called his father’s life’s work “crap” and diminished us in every way.

Now that my husband has passed, I’m in the process of making a new will. I do not wish to leave my son anything because he has disinherited us. He will be surprised that our estate is larger than he expects. He is very detached and treats me with contempt. Should I leave a letter to explain this or just let the chips fall where they may?

– No Longer Mom

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conuly

He's really more in the job of doling out humor than advice, but sometimes advice just happens.

Paul writes: In my house, we reuse rubber bands from newspapers to seal up food packaging. But my wife insists they must be washed first, or else it’s unsanitary. I say that’s ridiculous. Who’s right?

Hodgman rules: I doubt you’ll have any cross-contamination issues unless you’re using these rubber bands, say, to truss a raw chicken. (P.S.: Don’t.) I, too, wrap old rubber bands around open potato chip bags, and I munch without fear, because you and I are creatures of pure logic. But that doesn’t mean your wife’s aversion isn’t real. Those chips will taste germy to her. Everyone has their “little weirdsies,” a term coined by the NPR correspondent and friend of the court Linda Holmes. These are the small, strange preferences we all have — like refusing to drink “stale” water — that our spouses accept because they’re harmless. Unless it’s truly interfering with her quality of life, leave it alone. Or embrace it. There are weirder ways to spice up a marriage than soaking rubber bands in alcohol together.

petrea_mitchell

Dear Carolyn: My brother is about six months into a new relationship with a guy he really likes and says he can see the relationship heading to marriage. He seems really happy.
I cannot pronounce the new boyfriend’s name. Well, more precisely, I cannot hear the difference. His name is Crag. Evidently, I pronounce it as Craig. I cannot hear the difference. I have tried 9 million times to hear the difference, and I fail every time.

My brother or Crag will say the name, and I repeat it back and it is wrong. This is not for lack of trying. I speak two other languages in addition to English, and I do have some words in other languages that I avoid because I just cannot replicate the sound. Each and every time I say the boyfriend’s name, he corrects me. I will use work-arounds (e.g. are you (plural) going to the game? vs. Are you and Crag going to the game?), and the boyfriend will point out that I’ve just avoided his name. Are you kidding me? Come on.

My brother is my only sibling, and we are very close. I cannot imagine a world in which I don’t get along with or like his boyfriend, but this name thing is really wearing me down.

— Name Game

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magid

( weight-loss )

conuly

Dear Annie: My 15-year-old daughter and I used to be extremely close. She was the kind of child who would climb into the car after school and tell me everything before I even pulled out of the parking lot: who sat with whom at lunch, what her teacher said, which friend was mad at which friend and what song everyone was listening to that week.

Now, I feel like I am living with a very fashionable attorney who cross-examines everything I say.

If I ask how school was, she says, "Fine," in a tone that makes it clear the conversation is over. If I ask whether she has homework, she says I do not trust her. If I remind her to bring a sweatshirt, she tells me I am treating her like a baby. If I say nothing at all, she asks why I am "being weird."

Last week, I made her favorite dinner, hoping we could have a nice evening. She came downstairs wearing headphones, picked at her food and answered every question with one word. When I gently asked if something was wrong, she snapped that I was always "making everything a big deal." Then she went upstairs, closed her door and laughed on FaceTime with her friends for an hour.

The part that stings is that she still seems like herself with everyone else. Her teachers tell me she is polite and funny. Her friends' parents say she is a joy to have over. But at home, I seem to get the eye rolls, the sighs and the door-slamming version of her.

I know teenagers need independence. I know I should not take every mood personally. But I miss my daughter. I miss the girl who used to sit on my bed and tell me long, dramatic stories about nothing. I miss being the person she came to first, not the person she pushes away.

I do not want to smother her, lecture her or turn every conversation into a battle. But I also do not want to give up trying to connect. How do I stay close to a teenager who acts like my love is an inconvenience? -- Missing My Little Girl

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conuly

1. Dear Annie: My 19-year-old daughter -- she'll be 20 in July -- is a sophomore at Charleston College. She came home for spring break and informed my husband and me that she had found her soul mate at Charleston, and they plan to marry this summer. He's 24 and a graduate student teaching English.

She wants to go back to school in the fall as husband and wife. How they plan to support themselves we have no idea. Should we try to talk her out if it? We've already told her we think it's a mistake. -- Disapproving

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***********

2. Dear Annie: I was doing some spring cleaning and found some receipts in the pockets of one of my husband's sports coats for some large purchases for his sports memorabilia collection, to the tune of $5,000 to $20,000 each. I was in shock. I don't have a problem with supporting him and his hobbies, but he should have discussed it with me first, correct? What should I do? -- Dumbfounded

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conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strict no-sugar policy for my two kids, “Tiffany,” 4, and “Tyson,” 6 outside of special occasions. The trouble is that my husband’s parents have been violating it. They watch our kids along with their cousins (3 and 5) while we all work during the week. I recently learned that my in-laws take the kids out for ice cream on Mondays and Fridays in addition to allowing graham crackers as snacks. I am furious that they would breach my trust like this. My husband is no help; he says that it’s a small price to pay for free childcare and that he and his siblings grew up eating treats and they turned out fine. I say they need to adhere to my rules. Please tell me I’m right.

—Scandal

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conuly

Dear Prudence,

My daughter, “Sarah,” is 28. She is independent and lives about six hours away with a roommate and her dog. She tells me she’s generally happy, though sometimes a bit lonely, and tends to stay home when she’s not working.

I’m concerned about her health and overall well-being. Sarah is significantly overweight, and although she says she’s happy as she is, I worry that her weight may be affecting important areas of her life—her health, her career, and her relationships. She struggles with depression and takes antidepressants, but has resisted therapy. She also has some medical issues that may be related to her weight, though I no longer have full visibility into her health.

She is a beautiful person, yet she doesn’t date. It’s not for lack of interest. She has shared that she would like a relationship, but isn’t being asked out. Professionally, she has been in her field for six years without advancement and is currently working part-time, even though full-time roles are available. I can’t help but wonder whether bias against heavier individuals may be playing a role. I’ve always tried to model healthy habits. I’ve had my own health struggles in recent years and gained weight, but I’ve since lost 30 pounds through exercise and medication, which has significantly improved both my health and self-confidence. I’ve gently suggested she explore similar options, but she’s not interested.

I understand that she is an adult and that ultimately these decisions are hers. Still, it’s very hard to watch from the sidelines as I worry about her long-term health and happiness. Each time I visit, she seems to have gained more weight, and I’m afraid of the path this could lead her down. I don’t want to damage our relationship by pushing too hard, but I also don’t want to ignore something that feels so serious. Is there any constructive way I can support her, or is stepping back truly the best I can do?

—A Concerned Mother

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katiedid717

I have been sober for one year after many decades of heavy drinking. By now, I am somewhat comfortable being around others when they drink. I also enjoy entertaining friends in my apartment, but I no longer maintain a well-stocked bar, nor do I wish to. So, what should I do about dinner parties? I want to be a gracious host, but I don’t want to offer a full range of alcoholic beverages to my guests. Should I ask them in advance what they want to drink and stock it? (That seems a bit intense.) Should I buy a bottle each of red and white wine and hope that suffices? (That seems stingy.) Or should I tell my guests that dinner is a “bring your own bottle” occasion? (That seems ungenerous.) Help!

SOBER

First, let me commend you on your sobriety. Making meaningful and positive change after decades of habitual behavior is a big achievement. Well done! So, making note of your phrase (you write that you are “somewhat comfortable” being around drinking), and keeping the relative stakes in mind — protecting your sobriety versus giving a dinner party — I suggest that you hold off serving booze for now. Your sobriety is still relatively new, and it is more important to safeguard it than it is to serve alcohol to friends.

You don’t mention whether you attend a support group for people in recovery. But dropping into a meeting to speak with others who have lived through experiences similar to yours would probably be helpful. They can’t make this decision for you, but hearing their suggestions may help you make a better decision for yourself. I have watched friends in recovery struggle with alcohol that is left over at the end of the evening — as well as with the temptation to join guests in drinking during dinner.

I also suggest that you rethink what makes a good host. For many decades, that probably entailed serving alcohol to your guests. But really, the act of welcoming friends into your home for a meal — and perhaps a nonalcoholic beer or cocktail — is more than enough. No one needs to drink at every meal, and your friends don’t need you to serve them alcohol to feel valued by you.

conuly

Dear Eric: I strongly dislike tattoos, as does everyone in my immediate family. I can't fathom why anybody would want to ruin their skin and risk infections. I was hoping this fad would die and fade away like indoor smoking in a restaurant.

I can hardly bear to eat out anymore at just the sickening thought that someone with tattoos would be cooking, preparing or serving the food and taking out all the enjoyment for me. I know it's a personal choice, but why would anyone be proud to show them off like a really ugly piece of art on an ugly or aging body? Beats me. I don’t know what to do about this.

– Ink Free

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conuly

Dear Eric: When my family's children were young, they mostly traveled the 200 miles to visit for holidays. Now the children are older, and have jobs, friends et cetera. The parents now seem to expect us to do the traveling. We are in our late 70s, and this is getting harder to do.

The change in beds, food, schedules and houses put a toll on our physical body that takes days to recover. This seems hard for them to understand as they haven’t reached this stage.

We now are faced with missing holidays with them to comply with their demands. I have faced the possibility of loneliness that older people seemingly endure nowadays. Is there an answer to this problem or must I endure pain and trauma to see family in older age?

– Sad, Lonely and In Pain

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katiedid717

I am a social person. But increasingly, I have little time to socialize. I have two young children and a demanding job. Still, some friends text me frequently, even though I reply concisely and keep refusing their kind invitations. Should I be firmer — maybe start ignoring texts?
BUSY MOM

I once had a boss who, like you, was a busy working mother. She taught me a valuable lesson for managing social interactions on text and email: Do not become hostage to your phone or feel compelled to respond to every message as it arrives. Once or twice a day, spend 15 or 20 minutes responding to all of them — and don’t worry about them again until the next time. It beats telling friends to stop texting.

EDIT: LW provided more info in the comments

I am Busy Mom, LW #4. I just want to clarify something.

In my email to Philip, I used the word "acquaintances," not "friend." The texts I am referring to are from former coworkers, parents of my kids' old friends who now attend different schools, etc. - people I really don't know very well.

I know I should count my blessings, and I do appreciate that people are reaching out, but I truly feel overwhelmed by the number of texts I get from these acquaintances. There are a few former co-workers who text me all the time just to chat and "stay in touch," and I truly do not have as much time for them as they have for me. I'm genuinely wondering if it's better to "ghost" them and stop replying, or to say I don't have the capacity right now.

I'm not sure if other young(ish) parents can relate, but parenting right now feels like a constant barrage of communications - medical appointment reminders, school and after-school emails, parent chat groups, parent-teacher meeting updates, mom WhatsApp groups, neighborhood Signal chats, school log-in systems with updates from teachers, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with information overload. I get so much textual messaging across so many different platforms, it honestly stresses me out, and I can't keep track of everything.

conuly

Dear Annie: I have been married for 12 years to a good man whom I love very much, but I dread nearly every holiday, birthday dinner and casual Sunday visit with his family. On the surface, my in-laws are charming, polished and the sort of people everyone else describes as "so nice." But behind that polished exterior is a steady drip of cutting remarks aimed almost entirely at me.

My mother-in-law has a talent for delivering insults with a smile. She will look at a meal I brought and say, "Well, that's certainly ... rustic," or ask whether I am "still doing that little job of yours," even though I work full time and do quite well. My father-in-law joins in with jokes about how their son "used to eat better before marriage" or how I have "modern ideas" whenever I disagree with them about anything from parenting to politics to how often we should visit.

The comments are always subtle enough that if I react, I look oversensitive. But after years of this, I feel like I am being pecked to death by very well-dressed chickens.

What hurts most is that my husband says, "That's just how they are," and urges me to ignore it to keep the peace. But there is no peace for me. I leave these gatherings replaying every jab in my head for days.

How do I tell my in-laws to stop without blowing up the family? And how do I get my husband to understand that "just ignore it" is not a strategy, it is surrender? -- Bruised by Politeness

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling with what to do about my first job out of college. I've been here for four months, and while I expected a learning curve, I didn't expect the environment to feel so hostile. My boss yells at me across the office for small, easily fixable mistakes. The latest incident involved her slamming her hands on the table several times and shouting, "What are you talking about?" while I was trying to clarify a question. I couldn't even get my words out.

I'm in the second round of interviews for another job with a different company, and I'm torn about what to do. My parents think I should stick it out to avoid being seen as a job hopper. But I feel anxious going into work every day. This environment is eroding my confidence.

Furthermore, I will be moving to a new town with my fiance next year, so I'm wondering if it's smarter to stay for another several months or take the new job (which will be remote, if I get it) even though I'm worried I might not like that one either.

Am I too sensitive? Should I leave a job this quickly, or push through until my move? How do I make the right decision when I feel guilty no matter what I choose? -- CONFLICTED IN NEBRASKA

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR ABBY: I have conflicting feelings regarding Valentine's Day. I believe it is a celebration for couples rather than co-workers. My husband's office staff (eight young women under the age of 30) insist on celebrating Valentine's Day with decorations on all office doors, complete with hearts and cupids. They have a catered lunch with specialty treats of chocolate-covered strawberries, fudge hearts and the customary heart candies that read "Be Mine," "I Love You", etc.

My husband has been with this company for 30 years, and we've been together for 15 of them, but this Valentine's Day celebration began only four years ago. I am 65 and have worked 20-plus years for a Fortune 500 corporate office and NEVER has Valentine's Day been celebrated in the office. Christmas, yes. Fourth of July, yes. But Valentine's Day? Am I just old and cranky? This has been a source of contention between my husband and me since it began. -- NOT LOVIN' THAT IN TEXAS

( Read more... )

conuly

( Cut for queerphobia )

med_cat

Greetings, everyone! I have been enjoying reading the entries and discussion in this community, and came upon this article today that I thought I'd share:
~~~
Link: wapo.st/4csfhDU

Dear Miss Manners:

I was invited to a brunch as the only guest. The hosts live in a 6,000-square-foot mansion, of which all of the rooms could be photographed for a slick architectural magazine.

Brunch was delicious, but the rub of the situation was that the house was 54 degrees in temperature, and it was 15 degrees outside.

I am on blood thinners and I am very cognizant of cold. When I inquired if they were having heating issues, the reply was that the house is too expensive to warm up to 68 degrees, and that they do not like large gas bills.( Read more... )

petrea_mitchell

Actual headline: Why Tho: My birthday kid wants to invite everyone in class to his party - but not this 1 boy

Dear Lizzy,

My son is in third grade, and his birthday is coming up. He’s told me he wants to invite his whole class to his party (at a park) except for one kid.

This kid is a menace, if I am honest. He breaks things in class and yells and hits. He is actually quite mean to my son. I want to respect my son’s wishes here, but is it fair to invite everyone except him?

To Exclude or Not to Exclude

( Read more... )

petrea_mitchell

( You're about to view content that the poster has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an openly gay and rather feminine man from the Midwest currently enrolled at college in New York City. Over the weekend, my college friends and I went out with some guys they know from another college upstate. The entire night, the men they brought were making microaggressions and homophobic remarks that made me feel like I was back in high school in the Midwest. When talking about the night with my friends, I felt like I was sucking joy out of the room and robbing them of their experiences. I don't want my negative experiences to hinder theirs; however, I do want them to know how the men made me feel. I don't know how to navigate this situation. Harriette, what do you think I should do? -- Awkward Encounter

( Read more... )

magid

From today’s NY Times, in the weekly Social Q’s column.

Our youngest, who is 37 and uses they/them pronouns, has a long history of psychological problems. They sent a text informing us that they no longer want to interact with family members, and that if we want to meet with them, they require an advocate to be present. This child lives in our second home. They don’t pay rent, but they have a job that covers food and health insurance costs. We’re not sure what caused the break. They had a very bad interaction with our son, and we asked them to work it out themselves. But our son wants nothing to do with his sibling, and my husband wants to stop communicating with them, too. He says they are toxic. I am heartbroken. What should I do?

MOTHER

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I are fortunate enough to be homeowners with pretty good credit. We get credit card and loan offers in the mail all the time. I’ve been trying to declutter our house, and junk mail is a big issue. Everything goes on the entry way table and its always overflowing. I set up a recycle bin in the entry way for just such physical spam, but my husband won’t use it because he says we have to SHRED all those offers, and our shredder is not big enough to deal with all the constant clutter! Also, the shredder is in his office, and he only gets to it every other month or so, so the workflow doesn’t keep up.

I know that’s the best, most secure way to deal with junk. But really, our recycle bin is kept in the garage until the night before the garbage is collected., then we roll it out to the curb. We always put other recycling on top of the mail.

Is it really that dangerous to just toss those mailers as is? Maybe tear them up by hand first? Please help!
—Drowning in Junk Mail

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear How to Do It,
I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve recently had to move in with my older sister and her husband. My brother-in-law, “Kenneth,” is honestly the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. He’s kind, funny, and built like a Greek god. He’s also super traditional and religious, which is part of why I’m so confused.
Lately, I feel like there’s this insane sexual tension between us. He walks around the house in just sweatpants with no underwear, and the bulge is so obvious. I feel like he has to know what he’s doing. Today, he was working out shirtless, and I asked if I could just sit and watch. He said yes, no questions asked, and worked out for a full hour. He was lifting weights and flexing right in front of me.

To me, this is a clear sign. A straight guy wouldn’t let another guy just watch him work out, would he? He has to be into it. But he’s also my sister’s husband, and he’s super religious, so it’s all so complicated. I’m starting to think about ways to make a move, to show him I’m interested. I’m convinced he wants it too. My question is: Am I right? Is he giving me signals, or am I imagining this?
—Confused and Craving

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Carolyn: My friends think I’m stupid. I’m a high school junior, and I go to a highly academically competitive school, where it is expected by my peers that you are supposed to take at least three AP classes. My closest friends are taking five. They are constantly stressed, overworked and burned out. My peers believe the only way to get into a “good” college (whatever that means) is to take as many AP classes as possible and to get the highest SAT score as possible. This, I know, is ridiculous on so many levels, but I stay out of it.

Lately, however, my friends have been shaming me for only taking one AP class, and for taking one standardized test vs. the other. I am going to college for musical theater, and admissions for those programs rely primarily on auditions, not grades. So why on earth would I put myself through so much stress if it won’t affect my college admissions? I’ve tried to explain this to my friends, but they think they know better than I. Additionally, they equate my taking only one AP class with being stupid. In the AP class I do take, my friend consistently shuts down and mocks my ideas with her other friends.

I’ve tried to mention the reasons I don’t take too many hard classes, but it’s like talking to a wall. I’ve also explained that since I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, I am now more aware of what I can handle. When all else failed, I even mentioned once that I have an IQ of 135 (tested when I was diagnosed with ADHD). I am actually quite smart. My friends stared at me and said, “Yeah… I think they lied to you.”

This hurts my feelings and happens so often that I’ve even started to believe I am stupid, despite all evidence to the contrary. Now I’ve started subconsciously playing into the “token dumb friend” stereotype because that is all I’m surrounded with. Should I not respond and ignore it?
— Stupidly Smart

( Read more... )

petrea_mitchell

( You're about to view content that the poster has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

conuly

Dear Prudence,

I’m a 21-year-old college student living in a house with five other students. There are three women and three men. We’re having an issue keeping our kitchen clean, and I am the only one who consistently cleans. I keep the floors and counters clean, wash the piles of dishes in the sink, wash dish towels, etc. Anytime I’ve asked people to chip in, they never follow through. I’ve tried not doing the cleaning, but then the kitchen gets disgusting and I end up caving.

I’m not completely innocent when it comes to not always washing my dishes immediately and being messy, but I feel like I clean more often than anyone else. A general chore chart doesn’t work, and I am tired of feeling like my roommate’s mother. How can I get them to take some initiative and do more of the heavy lifting that always falls on me?

—Not a Mother to Five at 21

( Read more... )

conuly

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've recently gone sober for health reasons, and it wasn't an easy decision, especially because my social life has always involved going out for drinks, celebrating with cocktails and bonding over happy hour. When my friends and I went out last weekend, they were pressuring me to drink. I ordered a mocktail, and almost immediately, my friends started to laugh and said that it would be fine to just have one drink. This surprised me because I never thought that my friends would try to force me to do something that would actively have a negative effect on my health. It made me feel unsupported and, frankly, disrespected. At the same time, I don't want to lose my friendships or isolate myself socially just because I'm choosing not to drink. Now I'm anxious about future outings. I don't want every dinner or celebration to turn into a debate about my personal choices. How should I talk to my friends about setting boundaries without making things awkward? -- Sober

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Eric: My husband and his ex-wife have 50/50 custody of their 15-year-old son. I despise this child. He is completely useless, rude, disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful and lazy. All he does is stare at his computer screen. I have carefully planned my entire life schedule around his schedule, to avoid being at the house on the days he is there for my husband's 50 percent custody.

My husband has just told me that his ex-wife is moving to another state far away and that he is going to take full custody of his son. This means the child I despise so much is now going to be living with me at my house full time, every single day, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband refuses to let his son move away with his ex. How do I manage this?

– Fed Up

( Read more... )

cereta

As some of you already know, our wonderful

minoanmiss left us on March 3rd. Her loved ones asked us not to make any public announcements for reasons involving her family of origin, but we've been given permission to announce to the community now.

Those here in

agonyaunt will remember her for her contributions from Ask A Manager, and her insightful comments on family, found family, and other topics. The wider fannish community will remember her for her amazing fiction and her art, particularly her drawings of Minoan culture. Others will remember her for her amazing fruitcake and other culinary adventures.

sabotabby created this lovely portrait. I think I will try to remember her this way.

cereta

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works outside the home. We have three kids and obviously we all sometimes get sick. However, for some reason (*cough* I wash my hands and he doesn’t *cough*) I usually seem to get a much milder case of whatever bug we’re all dealing with than my husband, or sometimes don’t get it at all, leaving me to care for sick kids without any help. I know I should be grateful that I don’t usually get as sick, but being under the weather and nursing sick babies while my husband sleeps all day is hard. I usually end up completely run down, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.

Recently, we all got the flu, and this time I did get it pretty bad. My husband was still recovering, and the baby was still sick so my mom had to come stay with us for a while … and then she got it. My husband and I talked after we were all healthy about how we could better handle a house full of sick people and, uncharacteristically, we didn’t come to a great resolution. I’m tired of not being able to get significant rest time when I’m ill and being on my own with sick kids, so I think we should rely on help from family more and also that my husband should accept that being sick as a parent isn’t the same as being sick without kids. I asked him to really consider what help he could offer me while he’s sick and volunteer it more. I also admitted that I should do a better job of asking him to work from home occasionally when I need to recover from being sick. He agreed on the last point but didn’t accept either of the first two: He thinks it’s out of line to ask family to come help us and get sick themselves and isn’t willing to commit himself to doing more when he is sick. We’re all healthy now but I’m sure the next virus is just around the corner, so who is right? How do you fairly split the work when everyone doesn’t feel good?

—We’re Not at Our Best

Dear WNaOB,

I am always thrilled to hear anyone is out there, washing their hands, which is one of the best forms of preventive “medicine” we have. This may indeed help account for the times you manage to avoid the bug entirely but can have no possible relationship to the times you just have milder symptoms than your less fortunate family members.

Every illness is different. So is what “doing more” can mean. I’m glad you are on the same page about him working from home more frequently while you are recovering; I am not sure why it hinges on you asking as opposed to him making the decision based on the situation, but if that’s what it takes, fine.

On the family question, I’m torn. I would not ask an older relative to risk the seasonal flu, if at all possible. For minor bugs, if you are extremely honest that you are floundering and need a second pair of hands and that those hands may wind up catching whatever illness the family has, people can make their own informed decision about helping.

Sometimes everyone is sick at once. One of the worst parts of being a parent is not being able to retreat to the couch with a Gatorade, regardless of how terrible you feel, because a child needs you to hold their hair back or heat up some soup. It’s a good time to rely on food delivery for a short period (if anyone actually feels like eating), and I recommend having basic sickness prep ready to roll (children’s cold medicine to bring down fevers and help with sleep, Pedialyte, extra mattress protectors under extra fresh sheets so you can just yank off the soiled top set and have a pre-made bed ready to go, etc.)

You and your husband are not going to solve for all time the “but I’M sicker when I’m sick” argument. You do need to ask for what you need and to be specific with what those needs are. “Can you please switch the laundry to the dryer? Can you load the dishwasher? Can you bring home saltines and ginger ale?” It seems as though communication in your household has become contentious and now carries the weight of grievances from Ghosts of Seasonal Flu Past. He thinks you’re telling him he’s a malingerer, you’re drowning in gross tissues, etc. Please try to strip emotion out of these interactions whenever possible. Fake it like you’re on a team until you’re actually on a team here.

Also, I hesitate to tell a grown man to wash his hands during cold and flu season, but if he hasn’t grasped the repeated and unpleasant cause and effect at play here, you have my permission to tell him a professional advice columnist thinks he’s being a real tool.

cereta

Dear How to Do It,

I made a mistake. I have been very close with my friend, who’s a woman, for the past three years. I am a man, and for the most part, I’ve been able to convince her that I am gay.

At first, I just yearned for the platonic affection that only a woman can offer; nothing obscene. But now … I am enticed by her smooth skin and curves. I’ve seen her naked several times, and she’s always felt safe around me because she thinks I am gay. How can I proposition her so that she’ll forget all about my so-called gayness? Should I pretend to be bisexual? HELP!

—Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

Dear Cross My Heart and Hope to Die,

Did you consult with any media before deciding to pursue opportunistic identity impersonation? With icing on her face, Mrs. Doubtfire would have shrieked at you, “Hell noooooo!” You have placed yourself in a farce that rarely works out as intended. You purposely deceived someone in order to make a connection, and now that you have that connection, you want more. Meanwhile, your friend will end up with less. It is safe to assume that her attachment to and comfort around you are predicated on your lie. You’re asking what to say to make her forget, as if I’m a wizard who’s been holding out on revealing a magic technique for mind-editing and not just some guy sitting on his couch in Brooklyn.

Here are your options: Keep up the deception and forget any kind of romantic pursuit because to her, you are as good as gay. You will have to keep up this deception for the rest of your life and/or friendship (whichever ends first), which seems exhausting and doomed to fail. Or you can come clean and hope that she is already in love with you and has been secretly wishing that you would just turn straight already. Unless she is under love’s spell, she is likely to be angry when she finds out that you have deceived her. Since your relationship is built on a lie, you can expect the relationship to collapse once the lie is dismantled. I don’t think there’s any way around that, but at least now you know what not to do next time.

petrea_mitchell

A reader writes:

I work in a cubicle office and bring a trained, medically necessary service dog named “Betty” to the office with me. I allow her to socialize with coworkers on breaks, and she is very loved in the office for how friendly and adorable she is. She also adores her coworkers and thinks everyone is her best friend.

Unfortunately, a new coworker, “Sarah,” has been repeatedly ignoring service dog boundaries with Betty over the last six months.

These boundary violations include taking Betty out of my cube while I’m on work calls or distracted, removing her leash in public work areas without asking, entering my cube without permission to interact with her, and petting her or interacting with her when I step away from my desk. This has started to impact Betty’s training as she’s now having separation anxiety behaviors when I leave in order to get attention. Sarah would respond to this behavior, which escalated it, despite being asked repeatedly not to.

Things were at their worst today when Sarah not only removed Betty’s leash but also attempted to remove her service dog gear. I asked her to stop but this didn’t work, and I had to physically push her hands away from Betty.

I have had multiple conversations with Sarah about her behavior with little success. When I point out a specific behavior, Sarah will then start doing a new one or find different ways to circumvent the boundary and continue her interactions with Betty. This appears to be a pattern with Sarah, as there are other areas where she struggles to incorporate feedback.

All my conversations with Sarah so far have been verbal and in the moment, as we are equals and I don’t feel it is my place to supervise her behavior. I did message my supervisor about the concerns when they started escalating and we had a one-on-one about it. My supervisor then spoke with Sarah’s supervisor about the issues and a one-on-one was had with Sarah about a month ago. Despite this, the behavior has not gotten better and seems to be getting worse.

I have had a previous negative experience with HR where I was blamed for not handling a verbally aggressive and threatening coworker with clearer boundaries before escalating to them. This time I want to make sure that I’m doing everything I can and should before I escalate things to HR again. I also don’t want to ruin the atmosphere of the office by cutting off all contact to Betty due to one coworker being unable to follow boundaries. What should I do in this instance to handle it professionally and not step on toes or upset HR?

– Trying to keep my working dog working

( Read more... )

( Plus, an update from the comments )

petrea_mitchell

Miss Manners: Items vanish post‑party, and list of possible culprits is down to 3. How do I proceed?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a dinner party for 20 guests. Since a few of them smoke, I had arranged a separate room to function as a smoking room.

After the party, I discovered that a very small painting and a little sculpture were missing from the smoking room. Neither of them is really valuable, even sentimentally, but it still has left me very distraught.

There is no other way that these items could have disappeared except being taken by someone. Only three guests were ever in that room.

Now, what do I do? I have not mentioned this to anyone, since it undoubtedly would make everyone uncomfortable and lead to speculations about who took the things. I’d rather just forget about the whole thing, but if something similar happens in someone else’s home, I will feel guilty for not having said anything.

( Read more... )

firebatvillain

Dear Care and Feeding,

Two weeks ago my wife and I received a call from the school our 10-year-old son, “Josh” attends. Apparently, Josh was angry with his teacher, “Mrs. Smith,” after he was kept in from recess for playing with his phone during class. So he drew a picture.

The drawing was of his teacher in a compromising position with a dog. It circulated among the students, one of whom ultimately ratted him out. We had to attend a conference with Mrs. Smith and the principal, and Josh ended up with a week’s suspension. He’s been grounded for the next month, but his best friend’s birthday falls during that time period. My wife thinks he should be made to skip the party. I think that’s excessive and punishes not only Josh, but his friend as well and we’ve been at odds over it since. I don’t think making an exception will diminish the lesson we are trying to teach Josh about his behavior. Thoughts?

—Doodle Debacle
( Read more... )

conuly

My daughter “Melody” is in the midst of the terrible twos. Five or more meltdowns per day over normal frustrations/limits are typical. Recently, my mother-in-law, “Darlene” took Melody and my 6-year-old son out to run errands, and true to form, Melody had a blow-up. It was how Darlene handled it that has me seeing red. She told Melody that she was leaving her in the store and that she could find her own way home, and left her screaming on the floor! She then moved off with my son, out of my daughter’s view, and waited for several minutes before coming back for her. I only learned of this later when my son told me what happened.

When I confronted my mother-in-law, she claimed her method was helpful because Melody behaved afterward. And she said Melody was “never in any danger” because she kept her in sight at all times. After this, I no longer feel safe with Darlene going places with the kids without my husband present or me. Sadly, my husband is no help. He agrees that this was a good “lesson” in behaving for our daughter and that his mother used to do it to him and his sister when they were kids! Please tell me I’m right in telling Darlene her days of taking the kids solo are over.
—Pissed

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Carolyn: I know you love dogs, but in a reasonable way, so I figure you’re a good person to ask. Is there a “normal” amount of pets for someone to have? I never had dogs or cats growing up and didn’t want them in our home when our children were young.

All my children at times asked for a pet but grew to accept my aversion, except for my youngest daughter. When she used to insist she couldn’t wait to move out and get a pet, I took it with a grain of salt. She did get a dog in the house she shared with friends in college, and her obsession has only grown since then. The last time I saw her, she excitedly told me she’s a foster parent to a litter of puppies now. I’m not sure how that works, but it brings the number of dogs in her house from two to six, and she also has two cats.

I asked if she was going to get kicked out of her house, since her township can’t possibly allow that number of animals in a small home and yard, and she just laughed at me. She apparently doesn’t understand the law or care how this all must affect her neighbors.

Could this possibly be the start of some sort of mental illness? Should I try to intervene further?

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Lourdes” and I have a 2-year-old daughter, “Mackenzie.” Mackenzie was a difficult baby (long crying spells, difficult to soothe, hypersensitive to sound, fussy about solid food, etc.), and my wife has a low threshold for frustration. So most of Mackenzie’s care fell to me since Lourdes said she “couldn’t deal with it.” The result has been that our daughter is closer to me than she is to her mother. Well, Lourdes said something disturbing regarding our daughter recently.

Mackenzie had a meltdown when my wife tried to get her dressed for daycare, so Lourdes told me I needed to do it because of her theory that our daughter “hates her” and “the feeling is mutual.” Mackenzie has a routine of putting her clothes on in a specific order. Lourdes is aware of it, but wanted to do it her way, which set her off. Mackenzie has her quirks, and if you work with her (her daycare providers follow them and have reported no issues), everything is fine. The trouble is that my wife is accustomed to people doing things her way, and she does not react well when her expectations are not met. I’m seriously concerned about her relationship with Mackenzie, especially because right after her mother tasked me with dressing her that day, she said, “Mommy is mean.” Lourdes balked when I suggested counseling. How am I supposed to resolve this?

—Daughter Division

( Read more... )

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Agony Aunt

July 2026

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conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - LW's signoff says it all
magid - employee wants to use “we” when referring to themselves
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
katiedid717 - Social Q's: I Have Autism. Can I Tell My Best Friend That I Think She Does, Too?
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - Wedding guest shenanigans
conuly - More estranged parents
conuly - LW, if you were such a great mom, why does your son hate you?
conuly - "Judge" John Hodgman slipped up and gave actual advice!
petrea_mitchell - Carolyn Hax readers: I try!! But can’t pronounce brother’s boyfriend’s name.
magid - [Ask a Manager] my coworkers keep asking about my weight loss — and it’s not good news
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - Two contrasting letters to Annie...
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
katiedid717 - Social Q's: As a Sober Person, How Should I Serve Alcohol to Friends at Dinner Parties?
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
katiedid717 - Social Q's: One Day, It May Be a Yes
conuly - LW does not have an inlaw problem, she has a husband problem
conuly - LW should've sent this one to Ask a Manager
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
med_cat - Miss Manners: They invited me to brunch at their freezing mansion
petrea_mitchell - Why Tho: Can we leave out the horrible kid?
petrea_mitchell - AAM: the office with the cardboard coworker, part 2
conuly - (no subject)
magid - Our Youngest Child Has Cut Ties With Our Family. Help!
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - My Sister’s Husband Is Agreeing to Things No Straight Man Would. It’s a Sign.
conuly - (no subject)
petrea_mitchell - AAM: how do we hire people who won’t be alarmed by our cardboard coworker?
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
cereta - Admin: Loss of a member
cereta - Care and Feeding: Parenting While Sick
cereta - How To Do It: I Pretended To Be Gay To A Female Friend.
petrea_mitchell - AAM: my coworker won’t stop interfering with my service dog
petrea_mitchell - Miss Manners investigates a crime
firebatvillain - LW isn't sure about punishment for son's inappropriate illustration
conuly - (no subject)
conuly - (no subject)
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