odd numbers and even numbers;

engaging in a conversation with my mom sometimes feels like i've jumped feet first into a deep pit in the earth

i can't see the bottom if there is one, but i can see the roots and rocks and brambles that could scrape and bruise me if. when i veer off course.

i grab at a branch that says "LIGHTS" hoping to catch a look at what is coming but there are no lights, it bit my hand, and im bleeding in the dark


but sometimes my mom has thrown out a safety net, and it catches me softly

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our therapist suggested finding a word to use to like, signal to my mom that she has played the "Biting Branch" card instead of the "Comforting Gesture" card

the problem i have with that is when when i'm cognizant of it, and within my capacity to voice it i just say it plainly that she's hurt me.

the problem i have with that is i've been jumping feet first into the jagged pit my whole life and so hours later when i'm in the kitchen wearily picking up a stack of plates, that pressure on my hands is what finally clues me in to the blood. i'm too used to the bleeding

the problem i have with that is when i acknowledge biting branch, comforting gesture gets sent to the discard pile, and if i don't acknowledge it comforting gesture stays in play