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Mike F
5,547 posts
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Mike F
@DeputyWarlock
i am allowed to be here
Joined December 2020
365
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12.8K
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  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Sep 28, 2024
    if i ever found out a mouse lived in my home, and he had a small archway in the wall, and he lived in there with small, real furniture, and he ventured out nightly to get one olive or a small wedge of cheese. i would stop at nothing to end his life. i would spare no expense
    6.8M06.8M
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Aug 21, 2025
    reflecting on the time i was peeling the bark off a tree during 2nd grade recess and the principal asked "how would you feel if i peeled your skin off?" crazy thing to say to a child but i gotta hand it to her it stuck
    2.6M02.6M
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Dec 25, 2023
    My sister made mimosas with little round orange juice ice cubes and it looks like a cup of raw eggs
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    728K0728K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Nov 19, 2024
    my boss is so stupid, i lie to him constantly and he never figures it out. i'll be like "no problem" "sounds good" "no worries" "you got it" "no sweat" meanwhile it is a huge problem, it sounds like shit, he should be worried, he does not have it, and i am frequently sweating
    882K0882K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Nov 29, 2022
    theres a line in that new tim allen santa clause show, where they say they cant bring the reindeer to brooklyn, because the hipsters will put fedoras on them. the show came out just recently in november of 2022
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Feb 13, 2024
    summer is the season for eating clearly defined shapes. hamburger. hot dog. pizza. winter is primarily for foods you couldnt hang on the wall. stews and casseroles. autumn is a transitional period because you have big turkey leg but also stuffing
    716K0716K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Aug 18, 2021
    Love to have nice conversations with people and find out what they're into
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  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Mar 10, 2024
    It would have been funnier if the dune popcorn bucket was a black cube that makes you feel intense pain when you put your hand in it, and if you take your hand out an amc employee kills you
    429K0429K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Jul 14, 2023
    I guess you're supposed to sweat through it but this would be a great shirt for a fat guy to wear in the pool
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    388K0388K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Dec 26, 2024
    just landed a sweet new gig. im helping dracula buy a house. and before you ask the answer is yes. i can eat as many bugs as i want
    261K0261K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Aug 12, 2024
    starting to cook poultry to 163 instead of 165 until i build up an immunity. then i will continue going lower and lower, a couple degrees at a time. until i can safely eat it right out of the freezer
    338K0338K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Aug 13, 2021
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  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Feb 19, 2024
    When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there's no need to malign the ass in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
    416K0416K
  • user avatar
    Mike F
    @DeputyWarlock
    Mar 17, 2025
    Replying to @d_boeckner
    teachers and parents are scum. no one will make us bathe or complete book reports
    139K0139K
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