When I started After Hour Diaries in February 2015, I found empowerment I had never before known. For 2 years I embarked on a path as a music journalist which made me feel completely alive. I had a voice that mattered, opinions and insights valued, acknowledgement, fullfillment, and relevance. Needless to say, when I retired in November of 2017, I felt conflicted, sad and lost. However, I had come to realize that my once influential voice now fell upon deaf ears. It was discouraging to once again feel unheard.
After over a year of Silence- I find myself once again “called to action” and unable to ignore that call. For one to open up completely and reveal their thoughts and feelings to the world, vulnerable and defenseless against judgement, criticism or ridicule- is no easy task. Nor does everyone possess the capability to do so. For some reason, the universe has blessed me with the ability and willingness to do just that- and it not using it would be a waste.
For years, I have struggled with being misunderstood, not taken seriously, and being easily dismissed and forgotten about- even (especially) by my own family. I have lived through a traumatic and unstable childhood filled with addiction, abuse, and abandonment- which continued well into my early adulthood. I decided to change that in my late 20’s, and with a lot of research and self examination I fought and clawed my way through feelings of desertion, confusion, and simply not being good enough. I slowly gained confidence and FINALLY found my voice.
So I hope to not only bring myself relief from the anxiety silence brings me, but really to help someone else out there gain some piece of mind through commiseration. I encourage anyone who reads this and can relate to use this as an open platform for YOUR voice to be heard too. I promise that to the best of my ability, I will listen- so please, feel free to share your thoughts, personal experiences and stories.
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
— Izaak Walton
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Inner reflection
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it is that drives me. The way I think, act, and justify it all. Am i even half as good of a person that I think I am? Fuck. I don’t know anymore. What I DO know, is that I give all I have to other people. I… Read more
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Being mentally sound for my own damn life
It strikingly occurs to me that I really should take my responsibilities of sharing my experiences, thoughts, interpretations and lessons learned throughout my life far more seriously. I already know without doubt that I see feelings the way most see color. I also hear colors, and taste music. I have a deeply connected communication with… Read more
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Thoughts
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it is that drives me. The way I think, act, and justify it all. Am i even half as good of a person as I think I am? Fuck. I don’t know anymore. What I DO know, is that I give all I have to other people. I… Read more
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Update
I want to say so much, but at the same time I have so little to say… So let’s start with court. It went well, I was sentenced with two years of supervised probation, with 100 hours of community service and $500 in court fees. So realistically- the judge choose to see potential in me… Read more
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Choices
“Everybody’s got choices” as E40 once said. And I’ve made mine. Sadly, this has not bode well for me. And it may get even worse before it can get better. Most people don’t know unless they’re very close to me, but I have struggled tremendously with my alcohol addiction and I have a past history… Read more
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Conflicting emotions
There is a certain surrealism that covers the world around you when I’m you’re enveloped in a situation that you are completely and utterly conflicted in. It’s limbo. Tug-of-war at an standstill. Every part of you is screaming in opposition- however there is this one particular factor in the equation that no part of you… Read more
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Hindsight is 20/20… Conditionally.
If you were to consider how many people have ever exsisted, what percentage do you estimate lived and died feeling complete in thier mental growth? Today it is certainly quite common for most of our kind to have one of the following basic beliefs:“We learn as we go”“All we can do is try to be… Read more
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Coin Toss
It’s my understanding that in several points throughout a persons life they are faced with Crossroads. If you choose one path, that choice could have the greatest results, however if you choose the other path it could be catastrophic. Basically it’s a “luck of the draw”, aka: a coin toss. Tonight I find myself in… Read more
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Lasting Relationships are built on a foundation of honesty and trust?
“Any good or successful relationship is built on a foundation of honesty and trust. ” That’s what they say, at least. I’ve been thinking about this in great detail, however- and I’m going to boldly call bullshit. Here’s my reasoning:You can still have trust and honesty, but cheat or put your partner down. It doesn’t… Read more
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My Ordination
After Hour Reflections 
