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cakewrecks_feedHere's one that's been languishing in my drafts folder for nearly a year, and it still makes me snort-giggle - but I can guarantee there is NO WAY you all will find it as amusing as I do. You just won't. Trust me. You'll think it's cute and adorable and I'm a terrible person for laughing.
Or you'll laugh, too, and then we can nod knowingly at each other from across crowded rooms, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm a terrible person, too. S'all good."
A Minor Oversight:
Sadly, God neglected to add air holes.
Thanks to Anony M., the first newly inducted member of the Terrible Person Club.
*****
If that made you snort-laugh, then I have the perfect baby shower gift for all your friends:
This book has over 2,000 5-star reviews and looks absolutely hysterical, definitely bookmark it for the next time you need a shower gift.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
cakewrecks_feedOnce Upon A Time...
...there was a boy named Jack:
...who used a lot of sunblock.
Jack lived with his mother in "The Hovel by the Phallic Fountain."
The hovel needed a new roof, but Jack and his mother had no money.
So they decided to sell their only cow, Boxy.
(Look, I don't know what it is, either, but this story is going to move along a lot better if we can all just agree it's a cow, OK? Moo.)
On the way to the market, though, Jack met:
...the Way Stuffed Cellulite Man.
Mr. Way Stuffed convinced Jack to trade him the "cow" for a tray of tragic spleens.
(Sure, they look happy now, but that's only because they don't recognize my masterful use of foreshadowing.)
Jack's mother was livid when he can home with the spleens, and made Jack give them a proper burial.
(See? Tragic.)
After a miserable night with no supper, Jack woke up to see a flowing vine where he'd buried the spleens:
Flows like a river.
The Tragic Spleenstalk reached all the way to the clouds. As Jack stood gaping, suddenly the Faceless Fairy appeared!
"Jack, climb the spleenstalk to find a magic chicken who lays golden eggs!" she projected telepathically.
(She doesn't have a mouth. Try to keep up.)
"But beware the ogre who guards the chicken!"
So Jack climbed the spleenstalk, and there was the chicken:
In a festive knit straitjacket.
Jack had just grabbed the bird when he heard a roar!
It was the ogre, Oh'Duh!
"Take the bird not you will!" Oh'Duh screeched.
Jack quickly fled down the spleenstalk, where his mother was waiting with a dump truck and a huge load:
...of dirt.
Before the ogre could follow, they knocked over the spleenstalk and buried it, trapping Oh'Duh in his cloud city.
With the money they made from the golden eggs, Jack and his mother were able to build a brand new home by the Phallic Fountain, complete with matching turrets.
(Those two really know how to use their heads.)
And they all lived happily ever after.
Well, OK, maybe not ALL of them.
Thanks to Amy, Giopi, Sarah J., Graham K., Sara E., moxie, Jenni Q., Shannon C., Becky C., Flowe L., Dani S., and Daniel C. for the fairy fail ending.
*****
I always like twisted fairy tails told from the villain's perspective, and this version - as told by the giant! - has rave reviews:
Trust Me, Jack's Beanstalk Stinks!
The Story of Jack and the Beanstalk as Told by the Giant
Only $7, too, if you'd like to add it to your kids' library.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
magnavox_23 posting in style_system
cakewrecks_feedApparently watercolors date back as far as the cave paintings of Paleolithic Europe. (Thanks Wikipedia!) It was done on things like stone, leather, papyrus, and now ...
(By AK Cake Design)
You guessed it! Cake!
Heck, maybe it was always done on cake, but everyone ate the evidence back in those days.
(By Nevie-Pie Cakes)
I mean, given the choice between a slice of beautifully watercolored cake such as this one, or a hunk of buffalo carcass, I'd go for the cake.
I probably wouldn't have survived very long back then.
But enough talk of carcasses. (Carcassi?) Back to the pretty cakes!
(By Hey There, Cupcake!, Photography by Siegel Thurston Photography)
And this pretty cake is particularly stunning. Look at all those bright beautiful colors!
I love the transparency here, almost like the cake was wrapped in tissue paper:
(By A's Exquisite Cakes & Chocolates; Photo by Jessica Schmitt Photography)
(Dear wreckorators: PLEASE do not go and actually wrap a cake in tissue paper. Please. No, really. Put. The paper. DOWN.)
Did your art teacher in school ever show you that trick of sprinkling salt over your watercolors? It gives it this super-nifty texture, kind of like... this!
(By neli)
It's like an ocean wave of the night sky, with pretty flowers for stars. Love it.
Of course, my watercolors all tended to be a drippy mess - but thanks to this next one, I know drips can be deeeeeLIGHTful:
(By The Art of Cake; Photo by Erik Hornung Photography)
Like rain down a window, or tears down a cheek, or something equally poetical and artsy.
Or how about a modern Jackson Pollack approach, with random splatters and splashes?
(By I Dream of Cake)
Bonsai!!
Edible paints are sweet, of course, but good ol' buttercream can also give you that soft watercolory look:
(By Miso Bakes)
It's like springtime on a plate! I love those dreamy pastel roses.
And how's this for a painting come to life?
(By CakeCentral member Panel7124)
Once again I'm not sure I could bear to let anyone actually CUT this cake. I just want to put it on a shelf and stare at it forever and always.
And finally, check out this frothy, watercolory wonderfulness:
(By Lucia Simeone Cake Design)
I dub thee... rhapsody in blue!
Happy Sunday, everyone!
******
P.S. If you've ever wanted to dabble in the arts, this is for you:
GenCrafts Portable Watercolor Kit
Comes with a pad of watercolor paper, 2 re-fillable brush pens, and a handy travel case.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
cakewrecks_feedUsually my spam filter is pretty accurate, but this week I've gotten three e-mails that read like some kind of post-modern word salad poetry. I'm assuming they're spam, but then again, maybe they're really some hip new literary project by postmodern word salad poets. Eh?
So in the spirit of artistic discovery, I've decided to illustrate these literary feats with the most appropriate cakes I could find. ENJOY.
Subject line: hey! :) My name is Margarito!
Artillery fray,
I must articulate smoothly, it is a terrible wise of many enemy,
this godson of tormenting children,
...and children cheerful.
èḥῥộ_ ḣûῂ?ṕẹvќћ (??)
[That is a line of unintelligible characters which I can only assume was supposed to link to overpriced weasel aphrodisiacs, but since it isn't clickable in the original e-mail I can't say for sure.]
And painting it I soothe said to exception:
"it is the riverside of the disadvantage
and He has sent it to flit my shipboard crustacean."
::flit flit flit::
Alternatively, here's a shoe board crustacean:
[bowing] Ah thank you, thankyouverramuch.
Subject line: Good day, my name is Nathanial :)
One notwithstanding
he did with more sincerity bluff so strange in Moscow,
a life of astounding but salutation,
(C'mon, what are the odds I'd find a cake of a butt salutation?)
(Oh, sorry was that just one "t"? My bad.)
Piping and plating, he was degenerating.
(You know what they say about small pens, right?)
(Smaller pocket protectors.)
Subject line: hey!! My name is Broderick!
The amass had feigned,
but coldly was some embody thereon.
Cuttlefish assureed merrily as jersey began talking,
amiably bashful,
with drowsy one sponge emerge at her foresight to unify its broth on her.
Whoah there, Bobby boy, you're not unifying your broth on ANYBODY today, hear me?
Thanks to Steve B., Shannon P., Candi F., Alexis I., Heitha B., Rachael E., Anony M., Kylie S., & Audra B. for the wreckiest cakes in all the 'verse.
*****
P.S. I see you appreciate poetry. Might I recommend...?
I Could Pee On This, And Other Poems By Cats
This hardcover gift book costs less than $10 and will have your friends feline fine.
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
ysabetwordsmith posting in followfridayHere's the plan: every Friday, let's recommend some people and/or communities to follow on Dreamwidth. That's it. No complicated rules, no "pass this on to 7.328 friends or your cat will die".
goodbyebird posting in ![[site community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/comm_staff.png){kind=small}
dw_community_promo
intw_amc is the community for all things Interview With The Vampire on AMC. Come share your squee, theories, recs, and fanworks!cakewrecks_feedSo do bakers still get points if you can at least tell what their cakes were *supposed* to say?
Or...not.
The period is how you know that new hairstyle is really working for you, Raquel. Honest.
Excellent advice for those pesky potty-training years.
Is this like an "I am legion" thing? 'Cuz if so, I'd rather you roar over there, if it's all the same to all of you.
And for bonus points, let's see if you can tell what these last two words were supposed to say:
Not sure? Then here's a hint: it's the same thing the last word on THIS cake was supposed to say:
But hey, who's counting?
Thanks to Shimon M., Raquel, Rebecca D., Jennifer B., Tom M., & Shane A. for the close falls.
*****
P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:
P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
cakewrecks_feedIf Cake Wrecks has taught us anything, it's that you have to be really careful what you say to a baker:
Houston, we have a problem.
Insert snarky comment here: ...........
This one I'm actually Ok with - but only because the baker included some this time.
Ah, the perils of buying a cake and picking it up later:
(Do you think the baker write5 all hi5/her Ss like thi5?)
"So, whaddaya want?"
"Hang on, where?"
Wow. That is SO...well, you know.
I guess we should be glad these mistakes are on cake, though, which is easily disposed of. I hear tanker trucks are way more difficult:
Well, maybe not if you have a match, but still.
And what does it say when this pops up in front of your kids' school?
I get the feeling this "shold read" something else.
So the next time you see a literal LOL iced on a cake, just remember:
Somewhere there are people with this frame on their mantels.
(Although I bet they got it for cheap!)
Thanks to Kelsey C., Bami, Kim L., Kathy R., Tam, Anony M., John O., Jen G., & Robyn S. for literally being my most recent wreckporters.
******
And from my other blog, Epbot:
cakewrecks_feedSuppose you're a professional baker, and you want to propose to the love of your life. What do you do?
Why, you make a cake of course!
And you pour all of your time, talent, and t-passion into that cake, because this, of all the cakes in your career, is without a doubt the most important.
Right?
RIGHT?
Ok, fine - I guess you could also do this:
0.o
Putting aside the fact that I'm oddly reminded of a Holiday Inn bedspread, I have to say I'm most curious about that oh-so-unique texture. What do you think the baker used? Bath sponge? Plastic bag? Hair brush?
Thanks to Ashley W., a "friend" of the happy couple who assures me the answer was still "yes." Dude. THAT GIRL IS A KEEPER.
*****
Apparently this one's great on hair, too!
Crave Glide-Through Detangling Brush
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
cakewrecks_feed
Thanks to Dawn H., Beth S., Kat D., & Alexandra R. for the extra sprinkles.
*****
P.S. This calls for a double feature Movie Night!
Robin Hood: Men In Tights/ Spaceballs DVD Set
*****
And from my other blog, Epbot:
flareonfury posting in dw_community_promo
svpromptstables is an Arrowverse (*coughs* check out it's multiverse *winks*) & Smallville Prompt table challenge, with prompt tables options ranging from 7-100 prompts. Low stakes, no limit on how much you can "claim" (and anyone can "claim" the same things), only a minimum of 100 words and no deadlines.
