rough wild vanilla

Five things I somehow never find myself thinking at my gym, weight-machining away while staring down the fifteen-strong row of giant hanging flat-screen TVs:

1) "Mr. Trump, that toupee is simply smashing."

2) "Fair and balanced, yah, you betcha."

3) "The exponential increase in 'reality' TV is a sign that the universe loves us and wants us to be happy."

4) "That guy from Man v. Food needs to open his mouth wider."

5) "Dear nightly news on every channel: please add more middle-aged white men and bottle blondes to your flock of talking heads. It's way too multiculti up there."


Five things I actually did find myself thinking tonight at my gym, weight-machining away etc:

1) "I bet Donald Trump's cameraman needs a spit guard."

2) "Nancy Grace is not aging well."
2a) "Anderson Cooper, on the other hand, is managing just fine."
2b) "And Alex Trebek as well, actually."
2c) "... I bet there's fic for that."

3) "I would rather watch Bones pry open a corpse's ribcage than be subjected to another election ad."
3a) "Good thing that's an option."

4) "Watching Man v. Food while working out is a weird combination of carrot and stick."

5) "I must have missed the part where the Affordable Care Act ceased to be, y'know, the law of the frickin' land and became all, like, optional and shit."
5a) "... Fox News just asked TVland whether the American People Will Rise Up Against Obamacare. Primetime inducement to riot, right there for our viewing pleasure. Why am I not more surprised?"

And a bonus:
6) "Ow."