Extra Grace Required?

 

Recently, co-facilitating a women's bible study group I encountered someone that I was just unsure of from the get-go. This woman seemed to be just a little bit different and that was clear from the start. She seemed more critical, more determined to be heard and not so easy to embrace. Our study was scheduled for only six weeks, so I thought to myself that I can handle anything for a brief six weeks.

Brief it was! Over the six weeks the dynamics and the number of this group changed like the tides of the ocean which ebb and flow. Our room location changed after a few weeks. We lost some women due to conflicting fall activities with their children. We moved the tables around to make things a little more cohesive in this group.

Each week our EGR*  woman returned and each week she required less and less grace. Is that possible? Each week I, and others, prayed for this group and I prayed for my part in it. Each week my grip on this group was less and my expectations and ideals were changed; our walls went down a few bricks at a time and our care and love increased. I knew what was happening now and what would happen through the weeks to come was God's work. I was just here to share His smile, His touch and love as it was shared back to me.

We all meet EGR people. Maybe the connection is parent to child, husband to wife or sister to brother. Maybe we have to work side by side with an EGR person day after day. Maybe, at times, I'M the EGR person unbeknownst to me!

All I know is through life we may need or be the person that requires extra grace. If I want God to extend His grace to me, I must give grace to others. I'm learning to accept the things (or people) that I cannot change (and I can't nor is it my job to change anyone) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Our EGR person became more beautiful as the weeks went by. Her smile was brighter, her words less edgy and her wall was gone. Hopefully, I reflected the very same results back to her.

*EGR and Extra Grace Required belong to Leadership Expert John Maxwell*

Pic by Laura McAlpine

The First Step

Well, how'd you do yesterday? It was a beautiful weather day here and my day was busy like most with blessings throughout. I went to church in the morning and am always so thankful to be in the house of the Lord but also to be among what I call my faith family. These are the people that walk along side me and encourage me to be the very best that God planned all along. They urge me on and lift me up when I stumble. And believe me, I stumble.

How so? 

When I stumble, I start my day without a thought of God, my Higher Power. I wake up and charge into the starting gate ready to rock the world. Or I hide deeper under the covers and I just don't want to start anything. Anything.  Over the years of recovery, which led me to a much deeper walk with my Savior, I've learned to allow myself the time to wake up and thank up first. Thank up? Yes, sending my thanks up to God who is giving me another breath of life and a new day to begin again. Do you know how much God has promised us in His Word? Do you know how often He offers us forgiveness, help and a hand up? 

Look at what He says here. 'Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.' (Isaiah 41:10) 

Who couldn't use this kind of help? I sure need Him to hold me up often! 

I stumble through the day when I don't respond to people correctly. Sometimes we say that's just the way we are but if you strive to be better than the day before, it requires looking at yourself and the way you interact with people. I came from a very large family and often the atmosphere was a survival of the fittest which could mean a lot of different things to different people. In our home it might have been the quickest wit, whether funny and lighthearted or sharp and painful, wins. It wasn't necessarily about which way it was delivered but you had to get it in first. This could create a myriad of heartache if you were a nano-second behind. If you came in second, you lost the moment. Strength in words can either build people up or tear people down. Now, everything ever said in our home was not negative and unkind. At all. Telling others to toughen up might not always be the answer although in our culture we could use a little bit of that thinking for sure. It surely is a fine line, isn't it? Truth in love should be spoken but truth in hurtful pokes and barbs is never correct. 

I also stumble through the day when I let electronics keep me from doing a task that requires my full attention. I've been decluttering for months. Months, I say!  Some days I respond to the task well at hand and other days it appears overwhelming. The reward in decluttering however can come in delightful surprises. I'm finding as I go through clothes that didn't fit me just right a year ago (but I didn't pass on) are now fitting me just right. Bonus! 

All this to say that starting my day with God is simply so much better than when I stumble into the day with a face plant. When I sit down with my Bible and recovery reading, without realizing it, I start out with a deep, relaxing sigh. I've noticed that every time. It puts me in a place of surrendering all that I was carrying to our meeting spot. When I start the day with saying 'Thank you for a new day' it sets my mind on God walking me through today instead of me running ahead and asking God to hurry up!

I hope you have found your place with God and people to support you through whatever obstacles face you today. His Word is a great place to find all that He has promised to those who believe. I can testify that it's true!!  Do you know that God says He has loved us with an everlasting love?? If we don't know that, we can't fill up with His strength and confidence. 

The First Step of Recovery which says: We admitted we were powerless over ____ (fill in your own struggle) and that our lives had become unmanageable. We are recognizing and saying that we have no defense over our situation, substance or people. What a great way to start the day. Acknowledge that you are powerless and ask your Higher Power, (God for me, the maker and creator of all things), to lead you in the way that you should go.  I don't need to stumble into the day at all! 

And don't forget, all the strength you need to get through the day is found in His Word. In case you don't own a Bible, you can go to Bible Gateway (https://www.biblegateway.com/) and find His love letter to you there! 

Check it out!  Need some suggestions? Send me a note! 

Pic googled 

Letting Go

Life is full of choosing.  Do I stay or do I go? Do I love or do I walk away? Do I eat this or choose that?  We are constantly being challenged in our own thoughts to choose wisely or indulge. Sometimes you can do both, but those moments are rare, indeed. 

Letting Go is a topic that follows us everywhere.  In the last few years the song from Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" has been used in a variety of commercials, background music and children's birthday parties.  The lyrics have been sung by people of all sizes and ages in a quest to answer their own dilemma at hand. 

This past week at my meeting, we were discussing the topic to Let Go. One by one, male and female, shared the struggles and scenarios that are so familiar to families in drug crises and varying expressions of nodding, grimacing and sometimes tears were displayed unashamedly. One parent is in such raw pain and so new to this place of healing but not yet understanding how in the world she will ever be able to let go and step away from the child she loves who is active in addiction, she cannot fathom letting go. "But, I'm her mother" and "What if she needs me" were sobbingly stated. "I don't know how, I don't know how. I can't do it - I just can't let go".  

Identifying with her pain, I silently whispered a quick prayer for God's Spirit to comfort her and strengthen her resolve. I didn't want her to be in that place that we all have to walk through.  Being the great enabler that I am, I so wanted to ease her pain and take it from her, but knew that there is simply nothing any of us can do, but stand with her, be available for a phone call or just find the time to sit by her side if she asked. 

As each person shared from their own perspective,  some things were said in the direction of the crying mom in hopes of her realizing that we too, have walked her walk and felt her pain. That only time, and sometimes distance, really is what needs to be given in order to begin to heal. 

Finally, one of the true veterans of this meeting said something very helpful about Letting Go.  "People are often saying let it go, let go, or you should be letting go. What they are leaving out is the rest of the phrase which is to Let God.  If you are carrying something precious to you, such as a beautiful glass dish, or a valued picture frame holding the photo of someone you cherish and you need to suddenly let it go, what do you do?  You don't just drop it and let it fall to the floor in a million shattered pieces. You place it in another pair of hands or into a cabinet, on a table or in a drawer where it's safe.  When someone you love is in addiction and it's time to Let Go, you need to  actively Let God.  Place the one you love in God's capable hands where you know they are safe if they so choose. You have placed them lovingly into the hands of the only One who can change them and make a difference in their life. Oh, you'll attempt to take them back, but keep placing your darling into the hand of God and you will begin to find rest for your self."  

Her message is a great reminder to all of us of this simple practice. And it is a practice that needs to be repeated again and again as we navigate through our own maze of challenges; we have to practice keeping our eyes on our own path to peace and let others experience the same. 

May you find peace and love tonight in Letting God. Let Him in, let Him love, let Him heal, let Him lead you.  

It will only get better, this I know. 

Unforced Rhythm of Grace

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30  (The Message)

When was the last time you read something from God that sounded so inviting and refreshing?  Did you think that recovery and God's Word didn't go together?  Look again. Be comforted. You are invited to rest and recover your life -  Your life! His Word doesn't ask you to come to Him to save your spouse, son, daughter or parent.  It invites you to come and recover yourself. Ahhhhhhhh.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing and loosening up.  I can sense the weight coming off of me as I breathe just a little bit deeper.  I love the invitation to come and "learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

Grace.  A way of moving that isn't stiff.  A charming or attractive trait.

The word grace conjures up many a picture in my mind.  Being that I loved to dance, especially ballet as a young girl, grace is a beautiful arabesque followed by a quick glissade into a spinning turn with skirts of chiffon twirling about me free and flowing while following a gentle pattern of beauty. Some of you might see Audrey Hepburn in your minds eye.  Others will see a soaring bird or a swimming swan with wings lifted to show its grandeur.  Each of these scenarios is an unforced rhythm ~ it just happens, involuntarily, unplanned movement. 

Grace. A virtue coming from God.

How I've enjoyed grace weaving it's way through my life allowing me to live freely and lightly but I didn't always have that grace in my life. Oh, I thought I did but when I was chasing after dreams, ideals and rules that weren't mine to have, live or enforce, I was living in a forced pattern of rigidity that brought me nothing but chaos, angst and sadness.   I just didn't realize it.  I didn't know how to let go and let God, so to speak.  I didn't realize how freeing it was that I could merely live my life and let others live theirs and that I could choose to be close or distant from the chaos and poison.  I knew nothing about love with detachment or boundaries. But, now, WOW!!

Grace, grace, God's grace.

God's grace allows me to let God be God and lets me be me just as God created me to be.  Little ol' me that doesn't have to keep track of what everyone else is doing and why they're doing it that way. Grace allows me to leave the ones I love and care about into the marvelous grace of God's hand where they too, may find the unforced rhythms of grace.   When we choose to let God be God in our lives it brings an overwhelming amount of grace to us and we learn to give grace to others.  We don't deserve anything more than those who haven't come to the table yet. But the only difference is we've made a choice to live in a powerless place which is right where God is waiting.

Grace. A wonderful gift!

In loving Memory

HBC and Cliff 2010

On January 10th, he hit his 27th birthday. 

He was a son. 

He was a brother. 

He was a grandson.

He was a nephew.

He was a fiance'.

He was a father. 

He was a friend.
He was an addict. 

On January 14th he was dead.  One of Cliff's closest friends over the past five years was slip-sliding away on the slopes of addiction.  When Cliff met H.B.C. they were both working out, trying to develop some healthy life choices and avoid the demons that were waiting to pounce on them.  Cliff was six months out of prison and 1-1/2 years clean from drugs; the longest stretch in 15 years. 

H.B.C. had a personality as big as life and loved to have fun and made it his job to be sure that everyone else was having fun too. But H.B.C. loved money, fast easy money and found a way to enjoy the trappings of dealing K2, which at the time was considered a safe, natural and legal alternative to marijuana. Cliff and I had many an argument about this synthetic pot and all the ill effects of using it, which seems to have a reverse side effect of pot.  Many users have had symptoms of drug induced psychosis episodes, violence and death.  Cliff did not indulge but thought it was okay for others. 

K2 also provided H.B.C. the money to live like a king and eventually when money wasn't available by those desiring to purchase, pills became the bartering exchange to which H.B.C. became a powerless man.  You name it, he took it.   H.B.C. lived a life of risk-taking, a telling symptom of an addict.   Eventually over time, Cliff  began to see what this mess was doing to his friend and more importantly, began to see that he had to distance himself from the group.  

Cliff called me frantically on Tuesday morning to see if I could find anything on the Internet stating H.B.C. was dead.  It was too soon for any announcement and when it was finally posted, it was briefly stated that this would be a private shiva.  I can only imagine the phone call H.B.C's mother received as I had expected a call far too often during Cliff's drug years.  I always felt that had I got the call, Cliff's funeral would have been private too.  

I had dinner with my son last night. He didn't have much of an appetite and every now and again the tears would rise to the surface and bring Cliff to a silent weeping.  He was going through the process of all those in grief of what he could have/should have done.  He was especially sorry because they were having a texting war of disagreement as Cliff was trying hard to love with detachment, but may have just given words of detachment with no love which happens often in frustration and chaos.  Cliff said H's death drove home even more the reason to stay clean. His friend's life was snuffed out way too soon and probably unintentionally and how he tried so hard to get through to H, but H just didn't seem to hear him. He also said he had just a glimpse of how I must have felt when I tried to talk to him too about changing his life. I encouraged Cliff that he can use this in his life to urge others to walk the recovery walk.  I was never more thankful for where each of us are today.

When we parted I hugged my son a good long time and told him I loved him and was so sad for H's mother but so thankful that it wasn't him. Those were hard words as I felt a little selfish having my son in the flesh standing in front of me while another mother cries out that she will never be able to hug her firstborn again. 

Reality bites hurt and you can't avoid them no matter what lifestyle you live. Not one more soul needs to be lost this way.  If you love an active alcoholic or addict, make sure they know you love them and are always urging them to win.  Meet them for a meal, buy them some warm socks or shoes if they need them.  Let them take a shower.  Show some love especially if they don't deserve it. They are still one of God's most precious creations. 

May God bring comfort to those still standing and strength to the sick and suffering. 

Laura 

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends! 

Extra Grace Required

Recently, co-facilitating a women's bible study group I encountered someone that I was just unsure of from the get-go. This woman seemed to be just a little bit different and that was clear from the start. She seemed more critical, more determined to be heard and not so easy to embrace. Our study was scheduled for only six weeks, so I thought to myself that I can handle anything for a brief six weeks.

Brief it was! Over the six weeks the dynamics and the number of this group changed like the ocean tides ebb and flow. Our room location changed after a few weeks. We lost some women due to conflicting fall activities with their children. We moved the tables around to make things a little more cohesive in this group.

Each week our EGR* woman returned and each week she required less and less grace. Each week I and others prayed for this group and I prayed for my part in it. Each week my grip on this group was less and my expectations and ideals were changed; our walls went down just a few bricks more and our care and love increased. I knew that what was happening now and what would happen through the weeks to come was God's work. I was just here to share His smile, His touch and love as it was shared back to me.

We all meet EGR people. Maybe we're related as parent to child, husband to wife or sister to brother. Maybe we have to work side by side with an EGR person day after day. Maybe, at times, I'M the EGR person unbeknownst to me!

All I know is through life we may need or be the person that requires extra grace. If I want God to extend His grace to me, I must give grace to others. I'm learning to accept the things (or people) that I cannot change (and I can't nor is it my job to change anyone) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Our EGR person became more beautiful as the weeks went by. Her smile was brighter, her words less edgy and her wall was gone. Hopefully, I reflected the very same results back to her.

*EGR and Extra Grace Required belong to Leadership Expert John Maxwell*
All Pics Googled