Hope Through the Years

Life. Recovery life. Purposeful living. Through each passing year we learn more about how to care for ourselves realizing care for ourselves is not selfish care.  We learn more about compassion for those who are still struggling in the world of addiction and other abuses and all the chaos it brings. And for some like me, it only deepens our faith and trust in the Living God.

Yesterday was Cliff’s 43rd birthday. Yikes!!  How did he get to be my age so quickly (joking, of course!).  I still feel so much younger than the calendar says I am!  Cliff and I are now worlds apart as I am in Scotland serving the Lord and he is in Michigan making his life happen.  Fifteen years ago, life was a stinkin’ mess. Cliff was in the height of his heroin use and I was in the height of my sleepless, hand-wringing nights trying to cope without good coping skills.  That is a learned thing, you know.  Coping requires a sound mind and practiced choices, and I had neither of those skills in my backpack of life. I am so thankful to say that way of life is behind Cliff and it’s behind me.  We each arrived at different times to our healing and wellness but God in His mercy never let go of either one of us. 

Slowly but surely, Cliff is re-aligning his thinking with good and healthy thoughts.  I’ve been the recipient of several sincere phone calls within the past year.  In the first call a few months back he thanked me for always pointing him to God throughout his life even when I wasn’t necessarily walking strong with the Lord.  His comments were an affirmation to my restless heart when the enemy tries to tell me all the things I did poorly as a mother. I was really caught off guard by his recollection and appreciation all these years later to the things he resisted against for so long.  It was salve to my soul.

Yesterday as we chatted for Cliff’s birthday, it was such a nice and simple conversation about his day (he worked) and any celebrating he might do. His work had a small cake for him and many wished him a happy birthday. He had received a few texts early in the morning and he was quite happy to receive those before he went to work. Then when we spoke, he was planning on making his dinner and probably watch a movie once the animals (birds, squirrels and yard cats) were tended to. One more time, Cliff threw me for a loop when he said “Oh! Mom, before we hang up I want to tell you something - I want to tell you that I’m proud of you (gasp!). I know I have not always said it or felt it but lately God has been revealing some things to me and one of them is how selfish I was in expecting you to be perfect while I was a mess.  I’m sorry I held you to that expectation.”  Another memorable mom moment that will be stored forever.  We (my two sons and me) didn’t have a lot of those exchanges (very, very few) over his life as the turmoil (not always his) was often on an extreme level of struggle.  To see him enjoy a quiet birthday as an adult and to pour out a blessing over me was an inward major change and brings peace to my heart.

And, it's been a healing process in his heart which is separate from the healing in mine that can only come from God. In Scotland, I am in a Hope Group that uses nothing but the Word of God for changing lives. And, if you were to take the original 12 Steps of recovery you would see that they line up with the truths of Scripture in every way.  For those of us who believe in the Living God we are being transformed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16 says  “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.”  And, we walk with each other for support, encouragement and compassion.  

This little update doesn’t cover the years between my posts, but it does ring through with all the things I’ve spoken of before.  Never lose hope! Ever!! This has been a 30 year journey for Cliff and me since he was on the path of destruction. The path of destruction may look appealing, but it's a pure lie. Our lives were full of pain, sorrow and regret - faith didn't make this walk a breeze. The narrow path to healing was hard work and full of stumbles and re-starts. But, if God is part of your life and recovery, you can be sure He will walk with you every step of the way and the one you love too, if they will ask.  Let Him lead. 

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit"

Romans 15:13 NLT

Break the Habit

                                               
                                                             pic googled -  kisspng.com 


What is it about the bathroom that brings on the best "aha" moments??  It never fails that I have my best moments of mulling things over whether I'm seated on the throne, showering, or performing my morning routine of teeth, hair and makeup.  Is it the sound of running water, blocking out life outside that little room? I'm always amazed by the revelations that occur during those moments. 

Today was no different. 

During my morning coffee, I read an article ( The Link between Verbal Abuse to Anxiety That Nobody Talks About ) regarding the long-reaching effect of verbal abuse and of course I was able to check all the boxes.  Ugh to the memories that flashed by as I was reading!  So, I began my morning routine for work which included the conversation to self which used to begin with "I should have said/I should have done, blah, blah, blah".  Thankfully, most of those conversations ended long ago.  But following this article remnants of days gone by began roaming around again when I heard my Dad saying to me, "J can't help the way he was raised, but sooner or later you have to begin to realize that you can't treat others the same way you were treated and make changes."  This was said before my children were born, but J never admitted to seeing anything wrong with the way he spoke with me or my children. Being a loyal to the death sort of person (not always healthy) I was sure that our relationship would change, improve and be forever. Now, in J's defense (because I'm always taking up for the underdog), he wouldn't know much about other households because he was raised under the shroud of alcoholism and all it drags along.  And, while my Dad spoke truth to the situation, he is also from the generation that says "stop talking about this and stop doing that". 

And so the hamster wheel continues to spin chanting "I can't tell anyone,  ...he said, ...she said, ...what about my job, ....my neighbors, ....my parents, ....my siblings, ....they won't believe me" and on it goes. 

The conversation in my bathroom today continued.  I thought about Dad's words. Many people in my generation were raised to keep silent. It seemed to come from the rigid upbringing our parents had of being seen and not heard.  We were also told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on which was indicative of the times as well.  Now, in and of themselves those sayings aren't necessarily wrong but for wellness the words of injustice have to be spoken. Years of counseling has revealed how important it is to let the voices be heard. There's a passage in the Bible that reads "Then I saw that wisdom excels folly as light excels darkness." ~Ecclesiastes 2:13 

Once we speak of whatever abuses, trials and tribulations have happened, THEN we can begin to step toward healing. The light of truth is shining on the dark secrets hidden in the deepest parts of our mind, heart and soul.  Speaking of these past hurts should be done in a professional setting whether it be with a counselor, mentor, sponsor or clergy.  You choose.  But until you talk about it in a healthy setting (not in low whispered voices with others who will feed your venomous thoughts), the poison will continue to fester inside that deep cavernous cistern where you've stuffed all the pain from the past.

Now the healing side of this is moving on from talking about it.  If you're clinging to pain from 10, 20, 40 years ago and having to still counsel for it, you're somehow stuck in the mental loop as described in the article.  It's tricky to be sure, but it's totally possible to get out of that thinking, speaking, acting and choices. Using positive self-talk, truths of the day (you got up!), making a gratitude list each day, or finding a way to serve others can all be part of the healing that is taking place in shedding the scales of sorrow we sometimes wear as a badge.  Honestly, it doesn't have to be repeated every single day.  If every conversation begins with words pointing to the bad hand you were dealt in your childhood, marriage, college days or now, please examine your life choices and patterns of behavior. Practice the positive (truthful only) statements about you and your life. Find an honest, trustworthy friend to speak them out.  Try this instead: 


                                             

The Struggle is Real

You know, it's been over 10 years since my son was in active addiction and for that my gratitude runs deeper than my words can express.  With the surging business of social media we are becoming much more aware of the far reaching ravages of addiction and the pain strewn around like petals falling from a beautifully bloomed rose bush.  It's everywhere.

People are becoming more vocal about this uninvited guest that wormed its way into the midst of their homes, jobs, bank accounts and family gatherings.  It seems the unwanted, lurking blood-sucking traitors are now out in the open instead of tucked away in some dark, web-filled corner of the attic.  In many ways, this "outing" of the problem is good.  What was automatically considered a life of crime, is now thought of as a life of disease.  You will find 2 very strong opinions regarding this topic of conversation and how to handle the outcome of those stances.  Personally for me, I'm glad to see that the issue is coming out more in the ways of education and our culture realizing that the addiction is not the only identifying feature of the person we love.

Sometimes I'll read an obituary on FB, that has no relevance to me, other than a parent is grieving yet relishing the person beyond their battles. What were they known for? Perhaps they were a great dancer, a flourishing writer, or record-setting ball player.  Did they have a scientific mind that functioned on the realm of genius when they weren't in the battle at hand? Was the dearly departed beloved, the next king or queen of cuisine that was honing their skill when untouched by the thief of life? I'm thankful that life is now being celebrated beyond the ravages of sorrow, filled with pain and rejection. It's hard enough to grieve alone when your addict is actively using, let alone hiding your grief in death because we are still ashamed of the place and way they were or are living. 

If you had known me 20 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me as the same person and you surely wouldn't believe that my son is the same man he was under the guise of a needle. My appearance isn't so different but my actions, reactions, ability to focus and hopefully my demeanor are markedly different from then till now.  Cliff's life is NOTHING reflective of the years of active using.  He's been clean from the needle for 10 years but has worked extremely hard in the last 2 years to make changes since his past addiction.  It's not been easy for either of us but when Cliff finally "let God" in to the places of hurt that hadn't been dealt with, he slowly began to make life-changes that I believe will follow him all of his days.  Isn't this what every parent dreams of?  

Cliff has come to the realization that even though much of his childhood was filled with angst, anger and abusive situations, his choices now are up to him. He's reading daily devotionals and letting the truth of God's love for him fill into every joint and marrow that oozes positive choices, decisions and words, quelling the memories from days of old that attempt to stir him into a temperamental eruption.  Additionally, he's choosing a peaceful presence in all his surroundings which has flowed into my life, too.  I could take a lesson from Cliff in my food choices and exercise routine.  Those who follow a plant-based diet and movement for wellness (Cliff has been battling back and neck injury for the last 2 years) would laud Cliff's life-changes and call him king! It's quite possible the addict you love is one step away from the life-change you've been praying for.

For those still in the battle with your loved ones, I know the struggle is real.  But your support is more real - more real than you may believe.  Check for meetings in your community whether it be AA, NA or Celebrate Recovery.  Plant yourself in the middle of a well-run, long withstanding group that has years of recovery behind them.  Let yourself be loved in a healthy, supportive way because most likely you've been withholding getting close to anyone, as a form of unintended defense, for a very long time.  And make a list of what you love (loved) about your addict.  Don't let the enemy of your heart and soul rob you of all that is or was true.

Whatever you do, please don't try to manage this all alone.  There is a community of wellness waiting to help you see much more clearly than you can muster alone.  You're almost there.

"Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us"

Charles Kingsley 

*Picture from Google*

gustavofrazao - Fotolia

Keep Moving Forward

So, it's been a while. A long while. I've thought of landing here so often in the last few months and have cleverly written such witty repartee in my thoughts that someone, somewhere would be applauding me and asking for more. Sigh.  

Life stands still for no one.  I'm not saying anything new or clever here, just a blatant reminder that if my blog is a priority for me as it once was,  I have to come by, sit down and share.  I make a lot of excuses since I'm on a sales desk all day long and sometimes those days become 9 and 10 hour days at a computer, on a phone or replying to the zillionth email.  Still, as important as this topic is for me I need to visit here more often.  This exercise has a way of sorting out  my thoughts; positive or negative and letting me sift through to separate the truth from fiction.  I have so much to share...it's hard to begin because I'd have to go back. Way back. 

I'll just begin with the last few months and move on.  I haven't mentioned Cliff in a very long time.  As I went to a few graduation parties this summer, and missed some graduation parties this summer, I thought to myself that Cliff had a bit of a graduation in his life, too.  The road to recovery is a long and never ending process, really, because we are changing month by month, day by day, minute by minute if we're willing. But sometimes it's not just addiction and all the behaviors that come with that life style that stall us from accomplishing our goals. Sometimes it's our own personality that's formed and developed or never matured that keeps us in a muddy place.  I, for one, often have to stifle a "who said?" or my eternal favorite "you're not the boss of me" comment.  I see and hear that behavior sometimes reflected in my offspring.  Gosh, I was hoping they would have picked up something better from me. 

Back to Cliff.  At long last, 8 years I think since he's used, Cliff has secured a real job as a permanent employee and for the first time is on a payroll with real benefits.  It was a graduation of sorts that came through some tough knocks and some unwise choices.  It also came with words that we all want to hear 'We'd like you to come and work for us permanently. You need us and we need you.'  Who wouldn't want to receive those words?  It won't be long before Cliff will be entirely on his own again, but in a far better way.  This time he's all grown up with a license and a car and something solid under his feet for employment.  It didn't come quickly nor easily but it came right on time - when he was ready. 

And sometimes the family members take a long road to recovery too, and when the dust settles they might find themselves pursuing the very thing that seemed to allude them for so long.  I am returning to school next month. I'm hoping to segue into a new career that will allow me to work according to my time frame, and not punch a clock anymore. This new goal should allow me to supplement my retirement when I get to cross that threshold.  My long term goal is to be a therapist for women and families in crisis mode. I lived there so long, it's my arena of comfort.  That could be good or bad, but I believe it's good. Wisdom comes through pain and we all love to talk to someone who's walked in our shoes. Wisdom also comes from slowly and methodically doing the right thing even if that means to stand and wait.  That took me a very long time to learn.  

I'm excited for the future for both of us.  It looks like we finally came to a place where we can retreat to our neutral corners, come to the middle and shake hands.  It feels good and I am blessed. 

I'll be back soon, I promise. 

Her God Moment

When I first began writing this blog, I talked about Son #1, Lovely Espousa and mini chick along with Cliff.  This comprised my little family in early 2008 when recovery was brand new to me. Oh, I was aware of meetings and groups and AA and Al-Anon for years but just didn't understand the effects of other people's life choices on me, nor my choices on them. At that time, our family was in a very hard place and each one of us were in our own places of life, often found licking our wounds in a corner somewhere.  A glance here, a quick word there often left someone feeling wounded, angry or misunderstood.  At times, I was certain that we were headed down a path that would leave us all disconnected for the rest of our days on this earth. But God, being merciful to His hard-headed children, heard this hard-headed daughters prayers and answered.  

"Call to me and I will answer you" He promises.   So, as families do, we elbowed around a bit and each one of us continued to find our place and address our own "stuff" individually. Fast forward now six years later, and what a difference God has made in all our relationships! Particularly Lovely Espousa and me, who will forevermore be known as Daughter-in-love. So before I tell today's true story, I share all this to say that even when you can't see, feel or hear God, He's at work behind the scenes if you will just ask Him. Practice all you've learned and have in your toolbox of recovery, and get out of the way. Your life does not have to stay the way it is today.  Now, for today's true story, please read on. 

My Daughter-in-Love has had a lot of heartache for a young woman.  Before she met Son #1, she was in a relationship that was unhealthy.  Lots of stuff that isn't mine to tell, but you all know the stories of teenagers struggling to find their place in this world, in their family and relationships.  DIL was the same as you and me.  In that relationship, she had a beautiful baby girl, red-haired no less (I'm partial), and as cute as she could be!  One day, DIL came home to find that her wee bairn had passed away.  Suffice it to say that a horrible, unintentional thing happened and sweet pea went to heaven before her six month birthday.  That relationship ended and some months down the road DIL was in recovery after using whatever she could find to medicate the pain away.  She met Son #1 in recovery and the rest is history.   

It's a tragic story, to say the least. I can't even imagine the anguish of losing a healthy baby but I know it personally happened to two women in my life that I love dearly.  When I met DIL, she surely was in a deep place of grieving and working out all that was happening in her life.  

The first few years of Son #1 and DIL's marriage was fraught with trauma.   I couldn't find my way into the intimate place I longed to be.  I tried to find my spot as I wanted so much to have DIL as a friend, a companion and a daughter I never had.  Where I thought I was helping, I may have been nagging. What I thought would be my rightful place, wasn't defined.  So we continued to meet and then retreat into our corners working it out, working it out, working it out.  By this time, I was going to recovery meetings faithfully. The message that kept being repeated through reading, listening and praying was "stand firm, take the next step for yourself and wait". THAT didn't seem like it was helping me!! But, little by little over time, I began to step back from the magnifying glass and let God do His work. All the time, I thought He would fix that one, or this one, or better yet THAT one over there when all the while He was "fixing" me!! Oh, He was teaching me so much more than I could have ever tried to learn. 

As I was working out some of my stuff, DIL was always working out some of hers, too. Slowly the hardened walls  between us began crumbling down and the gift of communication began to come through.  We would talk and listen when we could get together.  Forgiveness was given between us as healthier love began forging a new relationship that I never dreamed would come.   DIL began to see that God in His loving way, longs to be in our lives, in all our stuff, and to walk with us in a more peaceful harmony.  She experienced first hand God's long reaching arm of forgiveness no matter how old the transgression. It was a beautiful thing to observe. 

Recently in conversation, my DIL began to tell me about what she called a "God moment" in her life.  She explained that someone she loves who is active in AA met another girl who has recently gone through a similar heart break with her child that DIL lived through.  He wondered if he could give DIL's contact information in case broken-hearted girl wanted to talk to someone who "knows what it's like". DIL agreed to be available if ever she wanted to talk.    As I listened to DIL tell me about her encounter, my mind went to a couple places.  First, I thought to myself "oh lovely one, would you have ever imagined being able to share your story and supporting another one through it?"  DIL looked so pretty and at peace as she recalled her encounter.  She was eager to be used this way which tells me that through her hard work of recovery and relationship with the Creator of her heart, she has come to a place of accepting and releasing what happened with her red-haired girl. 

Immediately I thought about a passage in Scripture that says  "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us". (2 Cor. 1:3  The Msg)    And, almost simultaneously, Step 12 came to mind as well, urging us to carry the message to others after we've had a spiritual awakening.   

It all goes hand in hand, God's great big plan.  He wants us free from all the demons that try to keep us embittered, sad, in pain and lonely.  Our pain is not wasted and it's the place where we can gain our best wisdom if we Let Go and Let God, as recovery folks say. 

God bless you, DIL.  I'm so pleased to see the changes in your life that is bringing you underlying peace, joy and a beautiful smile every time I see you no matter what the day holds.  

One Day at A Time

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

In the solitude of my car yesterday, I was going through the years of recovery for me and for Cliff.  I recalled how I felt when I first began attending meetings with regularity. I couldn't handle the pain well and that's when I began to write. I needed an outlet somewhere but didn't know what to do. 

At first, I went to meetings like most parents do, desperate for someone to tell me how to save my son. How to stop the madness and chaos and I was desperate to understand why anyone would put something into their bodies so seriously unhealthy and dangerous that each time they handled a needle it was like playing Russian roulette. What hurt my son so much that we couldn't talk about it and get to the bottom of it?  

I didn't believe that I had to go to these meetings for me. "Don't you get it??" I shouted silently "I don't have the addiction. My son is going to die in some house in Detroit or Highland Park and no one will be able to tell me. They don't know me, they don't know how to reach me!? He's only 18, he's only 19, he's only 23"....and so it went day after day, month after month, year after year.  After attending meetings weekly for several months, the scales on my eyes began to loosen and fall away, a little at a time.   And still, the boundaries and denial played tricks on me. I needed to face the facts in order for some of "it" to stick and stay and allow me to pick through it and digest what I could, when I could. Like a heaping Thanksgiving dinner plate while fighting off a flu bug, I worked through the steps of recovery. 

Finally, a year later when Cliff went to prison I had my respite. I could step back from the mental squalor that surrounded me and really work on myself and my understanding of this mess without an addict constantly coming at me like a whirling tornado.  I began to sift and sort. Cliff found recovery and so did I. He would, in his own way, sift and sort through his "stuff" and is now just beginning to see some of the fruits of living life differently, with a plan and not a substance.  To this day, I sift and sort and probably always will. 

Driving to my meeting yesterday I remembered that one of the things I used to say and wrote about early in the beginning of this blog, was "if you had a child with a terminal illness you would do anything you could to save his life." So that's what I did.  But the difference is that a terminal illness randomly comes onto someone unexpectedly and they are then dependent upon the medical field and a miracle from God in heaven, to be healed. They are subject to this test and that exam to figure out the best way to treat their invasive life-robbing disease and sadly, sometimes there isn't any cure. The terminally ill person is facing a giant to which they no longer have the slingshot and stone that will take it down. 

Now the addict may also randomly find himself addicted when they take that first step to try something risky.  Suddenly their illness takes hold and directs their life choices.  They too, can put themselves into the medical fields hands for healing but the difference is they can be healed if they simply take a step to help themselves.  They do not have to face a death sentence unless they choose to.  It's a simple change that they have to choose for themselves. No one can hand it to them. They have to pick it up and walk to the next step, inch by inch, but they can be healed.  The key is in their hands. 

So all this to say, it's taken me a long time in these meetings to come to this "aha" moment of letting this part go.  Life choices for someone at 18 are different than someone at 25 and then again at 30. Cliff is now 7 years clean, and I am 8 years on a path of life-changing choices for me that free from all the garbage that I simply used to kick from room to room and try to make sense in my thinking.    

Hang in there. Your "aha" will come to you at sometime in your recovery walk as well. And then another "aha" will come along when you are ready for the next bite.   

Just keep taking life one day at a time. God will guide you. He promised. 

Unforced Rhythm of Grace

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”  Matthew 11:28-30  (The Message)

When was the last time you read something from God that sounded so inviting and refreshing?  Did you think that recovery and God's Word didn't go together?  Look again. Be comforted. You are invited to rest and recover your life -  Your life! His Word doesn't ask you to come to Him to save your spouse, son, daughter or parent.  It invites you to come and recover yourself. Ahhhhhhhh.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing and loosening up.  I can sense the weight coming off of me as I breathe just a little bit deeper.  I love the invitation to come and "learn the unforced rhythms of grace."

Grace.  A way of moving that isn't stiff.  A charming or attractive trait.

The word grace conjures up many a picture in my mind.  Being that I loved to dance, especially ballet as a young girl, grace is a beautiful arabesque followed by a quick glissade into a spinning turn with skirts of chiffon twirling about me free and flowing while following a gentle pattern of beauty. Some of you might see Audrey Hepburn in your minds eye.  Others will see a soaring bird or a swimming swan with wings lifted to show its grandeur.  Each of these scenarios is an unforced rhythm ~ it just happens, involuntarily, unplanned movement. 

Grace. A virtue coming from God.

How I've enjoyed grace weaving it's way through my life allowing me to live freely and lightly but I didn't always have that grace in my life. Oh, I thought I did but when I was chasing after dreams, ideals and rules that weren't mine to have, live or enforce, I was living in a forced pattern of rigidity that brought me nothing but chaos, angst and sadness.   I just didn't realize it.  I didn't know how to let go and let God, so to speak.  I didn't realize how freeing it was that I could merely live my life and let others live theirs and that I could choose to be close or distant from the chaos and poison.  I knew nothing about love with detachment or boundaries. But, now, WOW!!

Grace, grace, God's grace.

God's grace allows me to let God be God and lets me be me just as God created me to be.  Little ol' me that doesn't have to keep track of what everyone else is doing and why they're doing it that way. Grace allows me to leave the ones I love and care about into the marvelous grace of God's hand where they too, may find the unforced rhythms of grace.   When we choose to let God be God in our lives it brings an overwhelming amount of grace to us and we learn to give grace to others.  We don't deserve anything more than those who haven't come to the table yet. But the only difference is we've made a choice to live in a powerless place which is right where God is waiting.

Grace. A wonderful gift!

Saturday Mornings

Saturday morning was full of questions for myself regarding my commitment to meetings for family support through this crazy, chaotic world of loving our addicts.  I wonder if this is what I should be doing or if it's really worth the time I am investing to be available for those who hurt. Then I remember that this is just as much for me as it is for those who choose to attend.  

Today we reviewed a little portion from Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More.  If you have not invested time in reading this book, run to your nearest library, used bookstore or Hazelden.org and get yourself a copy of what could change your codependent life.  Truthfully, we are all codependent in some form or another. But sometimes through childhood years, unhealthy friendship/relationships, addiction or alcohol abuse, we find ourselves in full blown illness.  But, just as people are unwilling to recognize addiction as an illness,  we surely aren't going to give room for codependency as an illness. The author refers to a statement by Earnie Larsen  "If you defined your problem as living with an alcoholic, you may think not living with an alcoholic is the solution to your problem.  That may be partially correct.  But our real problems are codependents are our own characteristics - our codependent behaviors."  Well now, isn't that an awakening?  It was for me. 

When I first began attending meetings six years ago, a recovering alcoholic pointed an accusatory finger at me and said "you have doormat stamped across your forehead"...and laughed.  Stick it, pal, I wanted to say. Not very Christian like I know, but I thought to myself because I didn't have the courage to speak, you have no idea how close the line really is from being a good mom to being an enabler,  It can be a baffling place when you are fully in the world of  denial, controlling, anger and a myriad of other emotions that try to direct your life of secrets.  Oh, thank You Lord, that I am on the healing side of that horrid place.

Today, I listened to another parent and her adult daughter talk about taking those first steps of setting themselves free.  Some boundaries were being outlined and slowly this nearly 70 year old mother is beginning to see that her life is not about taking care of her out of control addict. That God created her for a purpose of her own and His plan for her is good.  She's tired and her addict exhausts her. As with most addicts, this one is diagnosed with a bunch of mental illness issues.  Every other parent there nodded in understanding as she talked about how hard it is to watch her neurotic son  load up on the pills they want him to take.  She hardly knows him.  Yet, a month ago when he was admitted to the hospital for some very paranoid behaviors and they took him off all prescribed meds for evaluation, this mom said, "I had a glimpse of my son again."  Three days later he was on all his pills again because his case manager lets the addict tell her what he needs.  It's a crazy thing.  

In the state of Michigan, you can tell the social programs that are "helping you" that you aren't using needle drugs or methamphetamine and they don't necessarily test you.  You are then added to the program and psychiatrists/psychologists will prescribe all kinds of anti-depressants, anxiety or any other type of drug they think you need or you think you need.  They will practically let you call your own medical plan into action.  And because of HIPPA, the family does not have to be included or consulted.  So drug addicts with crazy behavior can work the people and not have to work a program and the family tries to deal with crazy. No wonder we become control freaks. 

The medical field has very little addiction education in their years of preparing for their medical license.  Last I heard, the average medical doctor spends 8 classroom hours on addiction.  How in the world are we going to reduce the number of addicts in our society when all the medical field wants to do is load them up with "legal" drugs?? It's a nightmare. 

Thankfully, through the steps of recovery we learn to step back and not try to fix this or control it.  Our beloved addicts have to want this life change and we are learning to stand back and say "yay" when they take the steps necessary to change their lives into healthy chemical free living.  

And now the best part of this chapter closed with this:

Recovery helps stop the unbearable pain many of us (*codependents) have been living with.   Recovery is simple. It is not always easy but it is simple.  

It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned. 

Each person is responsible for him - or herself.  

It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to : taking care of ourselves. 

I promise you this.  You will be changed and your relationships will be changed when you embrace this truth!!

Amends!

I think the part I love most about walking in recovery is that it just gets better day by day, month by month and year by year.  Peace rules my day as I turn to my Higher Power, My Creator, to learn from Him and put all I'm learning into practice.   

This past week someone I dearly love made an amends to me when I least expected it. Those are the best ones!  Recovery has given me so much freedom in putting the past behind me that if the amends never came, it would not have to affect our relationship IF I practiced what I learned.  I love the part about letting go of the past and pressing on that Scripture constantly tells me and recovery reinforces.  When the words came to me with a humble apology it was a soothing salve to my heart and joy deep in my soul.  I shared with the one who spoke to me that when our relationship began to be restored that all was forgiven and put behind me but their words meant the world to me. 

Hazelden (Treatment) has such great information on their website and so I've linked to their page about amends.  Their page reiterated that amends is not merely an apology but a change as well.  My special one's heart changed months back and our relationship began to walk in a new path.  When I received precious, heartfelt words from one I love, they said that they meant to say this to me before but the opportunity hadn't come up and then life got in the way. :)

It's never too late to make a true amends. Even if the person  you've wronged or who has wronged you is no longer around, you can do something in their honor in many ways.  Plant a tree, sign up to be an organ donor, give a book to another in their memory, volunteer with their favorite organization. The list is unending.  

So, seize the day friends! You've nothing to lose but precious moments that could be love filled instead of gaping holes sucking the life out of you. 

Mom's Homecoming

On this date in 2003 my mother took her last breath of life and sighed peacefully when she was finished with her race. I was privileged to be with Mom at that moment alongside my father in what seemed to be the most beautiful parting of a love affair that rivaled any Hollywood Movie. It was peaceful and sweet if you can imagine death in that context; Mom had fought her illness long and hard with dignity and grace but she was tired.

Mom learned life the hard way as the youngest daughter of an alcoholic father and she carried secrets and sorrow to her grave that will never be told. Once in a while, a small part of her story was shared but not often. Being from that silent generation meant discussing hurts from the past was not acceptable nor encouraged. Keeping a stiff upper lip and plodding through life was the order of the day and Mom did that well.  Alcohol (along with any abuse) is the front runner of "secretitis". You learn fast how to keep your mouth closed and eyes averted when subjects come up that are too close to heart and home.

In the beginning of my walk in recovery as the mother of an addict, I heard the phrase early on that "you're as sick as your secrets". Thinking through the stages of my life as an adult that were filled with tumultuous and troubling moments I realized that I was not well at all! And through the years now of recovery for me, as I've peeled back layer by layer I've thought often of my dearly departed mother. I'm saddened to think that she bore her pain mostly alone. I'm pretty certain that she didn't talk a lot a about her pain with Dad because that just wasn't the way it was done. My wonderful father is a stalwart who struggles to communicate verbally on the things that are close to his heart. But once in a while, in the still of the evening often after mom was in bed, Dad would wistfully talk a little bit about the hand mom had been dealt. He was angry about the way she had been treated in her young life by her parents as she was farmed out to many relatives, most likely for her safety and protection, and Dad vowed that he would never abandon my Mother. Therefore, she would remain at home all of her days, which she did.

Mom had a strong personality and a twinkle in her eye that truly seemed to live out the words of the beloved song When Irish Eyes Are Smiling. She loved her children the best way she knew how. I believe in my heart that the unfinished business with alcohol robbed her of her full potential as I've struggled in my own way of fulfilling mine as well. Only now as I approach the golden years do I feel that I'm coming into "my own". 

Mom never knew or accepted her own beauty. She was extremely uncomfortable in front of a camera and most of her early pictures reveal an almost stern look to which she would remark regularly that she didn't like to see herself in pictures. Later in life, those feelings seemed to finally begin to dissolve. At the viewing for my mom, her friends remarked that mom was very smart in school and barely had to study. But that seemed to be a hidden gem as well as my mother believed my dad to be the king of intelligence and hid behind his place in life.

Ah, Mother, you are now at rest and will never be under the struggle of comparisons, or feeling inferior to others. You will never hear tapes replayed in your head that were hurtful or negative. You had so much to offer the world yet you offered it all to us. You filled us up with encouraging words that were never whispered to you and believed that each of your children could change the world if we chose. My only hope is that you knew how much you were loved here by your family. You struggled to grasp that God, your Creator, loved you enough to accept you and set you free in your eternal life. I'm so thankful we cleared that up before you left! Your Homecoming was a wonderful celebration of your life, dear Mom. All heaven rejoiced that day!

Your life impacted me so much Mom, and I thank you for your constant belief in me. Your beauty and lovely fragrance still radiate today.