Rolling Around in Vomit

The smell was overwhelming in the hallway. Then I opened the door to her bedroom.

Inside was far worse. The stench caused me to gag and nearly took me to my knees.

What on earth?

As I approached her crib, she popped up and stood at the rail.

"Oh, Pearl. Something is very stinky. What is it?"

She pointed down to her pillow and said, "Look."

And that's when the putrid culprit was identified. 

Vomit.

Remnants of the previous night's dinner. Dried up, hours-old vomit.

Unfortunately, its victims were not only her pillowcase and her blankies. My sweet baby girl was also covered in it. Her short, brown hair matted together and her pajama shirt saturated. She was a hot mess.

Assessing the damage, I then asked her, "Oh, Pearl, why didn't you call for us?  Why didn't you tell us you needed help?"

Crickets.

She didn't understand what I was asking. She had no clue.

We have a baby monitor in our bedroom.  We hear her whenever she makes a noise, wakes up startled, or is singing herself to sleep. And never, not once, did we hear her voice in the night alerting us there was a problem. Never.

Maybe she was too sleepy. Maybe she didn't notice. Maybe she didn't care.

Bottom line: She didn't call out for us to help her with the mess.

As grossed out as I was from the scene, I was even more sad. 

We've spent nearly the last six months teaching our girl to trust us. To trust us to take care of her, to provide for her, to assist her with her needs/wants, and to depend upon us for everything. To trust that we are there for her. No matter what.

And this...this brought me bitter disappointment. She didn't think to call for us. She didn't mind rolling around in her vomit all night. She didn't know we'd come. That we'd help her, clean up the mess and restore her to a pleasant, restful sleep.

She didn't know.

Then, deep within my spirit, I felt a pressing, "Do you? Do you know? Do you remember to call out for Someone to assist you? Someone who will come, who will cleanse you and make you right again? Or are you content rolling around in your mess?"

As I looked at my daughter covered in her own vomit, I saw myself.

A couple of months ago, I was struggling with some junk. Some less-than-ideal stuff in my heart that made me feel disgusting. And I knew it. I could see it. I could smell it. I could feel it.

For some time, I dealt with the mess myself. Basically ignoring it, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. But really all I was doing was "wallering" around in it.

Until I realized I needed help. My mess was too overwhelming for me to handle alone. So one evening, after days of private battle, of moments in solitary prayer, I opened my mouth and shared my struggles, my shortcomings, my sin, with a couple of friends.

I did what James 5:16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." 

No judgment received. Only concern, compassion, and accountability. I am grateful these loving friends prayed over me that night and have prayed for me for days afterwards.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Psalm 51:1-2; 7, 10

"Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!"

John 1:29

"They cried to You and were saved; in You they trusted and were not disappointed."

Psalm 22:5

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.

From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

He drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me."

Psalm 18:6, 16-17

Oh, praise the One that came, our Messiah who stepped right into our mess, took it upon Himself and purified us from it. And praise Him that He continues to wash, rinse and repeat as needed.

 

Both Pearl (and I) can testify to the fact that being clean sure feels better than the alternative!



Pearl's Been Home for 1 Month! How Our New Normal is Going...

 

Tonight we went to a park.

 

We had a picnic, played on the playground, took a walk and rode bikes.  All normal things that other families do.  Except that we had a super special reason to celebrate our family time together.

 

One month ago today, we stepped off an airplane and began our new normal as a family of five.

 

As you may have already read or seen from my posts on Facebook, things are really, truly, going surprisingly well so far. Pearl has adjusted. Grace and Gloria have adjusted. We have adjusted.

 

We have a list a mile long of things we are grateful for, things we (& others) have prayed specifically for that God, in His kindness and generosity, have answered.

 

But...according to some adoption "experts" and others who've adopted (i.e. Jen Hatmaker), we are still in the honeymoon stage, basking in all the newness, but with a (possible) harsh reality around the corner.

 

If so...so be it.

 

But tonight, I wanted to chronicle just how well the past month has been going.

 

I'll start with the most popular question we've gotten: "How are things with Pearl and Derek?"

 

Let me just tell you how stinkin' excited I am to say, "SO much better!"  

 

Bless him.  He has had to work really, really hard to gain her trust and frankly, get her to like him.  Sometimes he said he felt like Adam Sandler's character relating to Drew Barrymore's character in the movie, "50 First Dates". He and Pearl would be best buds by bedtime, but unfortunately would have to start from scratch the very next day.  But his pursuit of her has definitely paid off and perseverance, persistence, and love have won.

 

The two of them go for nightly walks outside. He reads to her. He pretty much does the whole bedtime routine and just today, held her during the entire church service. Pearl returns his love with big kisses, high-five's and "knuckles" constantly.

 

One of my favorite things she likes to do with Derek is to play "Copycat", a game she initiates all on her own. She moves in a certain way (shrugs her shoulder, claps her hands, folds her arms, etc.) and he copies her.  It's really amazing to watch her come up with so many different things and even more hilarious to watch Derek mimic her movements. This type of play keeps her engaged with him and is pure entertainment for the rest of us.

 

Overall, she is sleeping really well; honestly we can't complain.  She sleeps about 10 hours in the Pack 'n Play next to our bed in the evenings.  She may stir a couple of times during the night, cry out, but then quickly works herself back to sleep, without us having to get up to tend to her. 

 

During the day, she takes naps in her crib in her bedroom.  While she's gotten better with the routine of going to sleep in her crib, her naps have only averaged about a half hour each this past week. Thirty minutes is not enough for her...or me. But an after-church miracle occurred today when she slept two hours.  Oh, how I'm praying this will be her new routine!  Eventually, our goal will be to transition her to her crib in the evenings.  But for now, this is working and we don't want to throw too much at her, too quickly.

 

One of the things we are most thankful for is how well she has taken to the variety of foods we eat here.  We were pretty worried when we first came home a month ago, but certainly have no worries now. Our pediatrician was correct. She does want to eat whatever we are eating, especially whatever Grace and Gloria are eating. Positive peer pressure is a wonderful thing! 

 

Whereas she was a vegan before, she is most certainly an omnivore now.  Each meal she seems to try, and like, something new.  Recently, we've added cucumbers, carrots, grapes and hot dogs to her list. So far, her most favorite foods are sweet potato pancakes, oatmeal, protein smoothies, bananas, dates, pineapple, apples, strawberries, blueberries, cereal, goldfish, string cheese, yogurt, peanut butter sandwiches, black bean/cheese quesadillas, rice, quinoa, spaghetti, hamburgers, pizza, French fries, any kind of bread or dessert (like us all...) & of course, Chick-fil-A nuggets.

 

Slap some red, white and blue on our girl and call her an American!

 

It's been so cool watching all that her little brain has been soaking up--all she's seen and heard the past month.  Her level of comprehension is super high; now her vocabulary is attempting to catch up.  She LOVES music and LOVES to dance (especially to Toby Mac).  She also gets in the groove whenever we play some Bollywood for her. She loves when we sing to her.  The song she tries to sing by herself the most is the "ABC song".  Basically she just keeps repeating "A-B-C...A-B-C...A-B-C...", so one of us always has to step in and help girlfriend out with the other 23 letters in the alphabet!

 

Pearl loves riding in the car, in the stroller, in the wagon, and sitting in her high chair.  All things we were concerned she'd hate when we were back in India.  Bath time is improving, too.  Last night was the first night in a very long time when she didn't cry when the water was turned on and when she sat down in the tub.  This is a very good thing.  Not only for bath time, but also for our upcoming trips to the pool. We're all pretty curious as to how she'll do in a huge "tub" of water; maybe somebody could invite us to come swim so we can find out? :)  Good news is that she has a darling new swimsuit we can't wait for her to wear.  At the very least, she'll look adorable if she decides to throw a ballistic fit.

 

Her interest in toys has grown the last month as well.  Basically, we've had to teach her "how to play" from the get-go.  We're not sure how she spent her time in the orphanage all day, but thanks to her big sisters, she is learning how to play with baby dolls, Barbie's, and stuffed animals (which she's still not a fan of).  She is easily entertained with any toys with music and/or buttons that play music, so we're relieved to know she's a typical two-year old in that sense.

 

Pearl loves both of her sisters very much and squeals whenever she is reunited with one of them, even if it's only been a super short time since she saw them last. As anyone might have guessed, Grace is basically a second mama to her, loves to play with her, thinks whatever she does is adorable, and actually enjoys changing her diapers. Gloria is her playmate, but also her competition. The two of them play wonderfully together, but can also butt heads. Gloria comes up with some of the greatest games for them to play, but can also aggravate her little sister a bit, too. We think she seems to be enjoying her new role as a big sis, and all the privileges (and power ;) ) that come with it. Both Grace and Gloria are amazing helpers to us and Pearl.  We have been completely blown away at their fierce love for Pearl and how they constantly care for her.  We are SO proud of them!

 

And thanks to them, to Derek's new relationship with her, and to "blanket/towel time", I am finding some freedom and a little of my personal space back.  Whereas Pearl has been my shadow (um...leech) the past month, signs of great growth and security in her and in her relationship with the other members of the family are completely evident now.  I love that I am able to spread a towel or blanket in the kitchen while I prepare food, upstairs next to the desk while I work on the computer, or in my bedroom while I get dressed, place some toys on the towel, tell her to sit down and she will play contentedly a few feet away from me while I accomplish what I need to accomplish.  It's like a miracle. A super awesome miracle! (Thanks to my friend, Kelly, for reminding me of this tip, which I'd totally forgotten over the years.)

 

The past month has been filled with way too many emotions to record here, but my favorite by far, is joy.  We have laughed more the past month than honestly, I thought we would, especially this early in the game. 

 

I knew adoption was hard work.

I knew going back to the toddler years would be hard work. 

I knew language acquisition would be hard work. 

I knew that making sure my bio girls were okay, felt loved and acknowledged would be hard work. 

I knew staying connected to my husband would be hard work. 

I knew learning to care for a new little person in our home would be hard work. 

But I didn't know, or consider, or make room for, the tiniest, spontaneous, light-hearted, unexpected joy-filled moments along the way, even when I had actually prayed for them.  Shame on me for that.

 

One month into this new normal and we all have far more to be grateful for than to belly-ache about.  We still shake our heads in wonder and awe at how God orchestrated this entire thing. 

 

How he would draw us to the country of India, break our hearts for the mistreatment of girls in India, call us to adopt a little girl from India, provide for us to get to go to India, then match us with our daughter, whom no one would ever suspect, or guess, or believe, was born in India, but instead, actually looks a whole lot like us. Crazy.

 

Only a creative God could write a story like that. We are so humbled we are a part of that story. For His purpose. For His glory. For Pearl's present and for her future. 

 

"I will tell of the kindnesses of the LORD, the deeds for which He is to be praised,

according to all the LORD has done for us--

yes, the many good things He has done for the house of Israel (Fort),

according to His compassion and many kindnesses." Isaiah 63:7

 

Looking ahead and looking forward to all the awesome works He will perform for, and in, our family.  Here's to month two and beyond!

 

 

A Little Something About Our Pearl

Pearl.

The name I absolutely, without a doubt, knew God was directing us to give our newest daughter.

Four years ago, sitting in my favorite chair, Bible in my lap, reading through Matthew 13, that word, that name, illuminated itself on the page.

"The kingdom of God is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 

When he found one of great value, he went away,

sold everything he had and bought it."

Matthew 13:45-46

Great value, immeasurable worth, a fine pearl. 

And so she was named. For four years, we've tenderly called her by her name, her God-given name, even when we had absolutely no clue who she was or who she would be.

Divya

The name of the little girl our agency called to tell us about as a possible referral and match for our family. The call came on March 20, 2015, coincidentally her first birthday.

Then came the biggest shock.

"He always has a holy surprise up His sovereign sleeve."

Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker

Our agency coordinator continued by telling us that Divya's file listed her with blonde hair and blue eyes; she had been diagnosed with a mild form of albinism.

[Albinism (albino) - an inherited condition, characterized by lack of pigment (melanin) in the skin that normally gives color to the skin, hair, and eyes.]

Then we saw her picture. 

Her skin was fair, not pale, but fair, just like ours.

Her hair, the little she had then, was pretty darn close to Grace and Gloria's hair color.

All this time, we'd been anticipating, been expecting, an adorable brown-skinned baby. And here we were staring at a little girl who looked like she already belonged in our family.

We were stunned.

Over the years, as I'd been praying for the little girl we would adopt, I prayed for her heart and for her spirit and for her mind. 

I'd prayed that she'd be confident in how God had created her and who He had created her to be.  I had spent many moments praying she'd be secure in her beauty, not comparing herself to her older sisters, not feeling like she was different in our home.

And then there was this little girl, who didn't look different at all, who no one would ever suspect was born in India.

We knew.  We knew this was our daughter, our Pearl.

We accepted her referral and have been matched with her ever since.

Never could we have guessed in a million years that God would break our hearts for India, for the girls who live in India, call us to adopt from India, and then match us with a little girl who looks like she wasn't born in India. 

I can't even explain it.  I won't try.

All I know is that God planned for her to be ours and we're about to see Miss Pearl Divya face to face for the first time..very, very soon!

[Side note: Her hair has grown out some and has actually turned brown now, just like Derek's. :)]

Isn't it Time? (thoughts while cleaning a stroller...)

I might have squealed just a bit when I saw it.

It was exactly what I'd told Derek weeks ago that I wanted.

A jogging stroller.

And here it was, its picture posted on a local online yard sale. And by someone I knew, which made it all the better.

A couple of texts between us, a stop at her house, and it was mine. 

Several days later we pulled the "new to us" stroller back out of the garage with the intention of giving it a good ol' scrubbing with the garden hose.  After sitting in my friend's garage for several years, it was time for the dust and cobwebs which had inevitably piled up, to go.

Derek began spraying it down as I gathered the hand towels and liquid soap. Quietly, we worked side by side.

Thinking our own individual thoughts as we moved our hands over the stroller, I looked at my husband, the man I've known for over 20 years, the man who said, "Why not?" to this journey before I could even wrap my head around it, the man whose patience seems to know no limit, and asked, "Whatcha thinking?"

He said, "It's time. "It's time to get our daughter."

Tears welling up in my eyes, I nodded my head, "I know."

Birds chirping and cars driving by, we stood next to each other in our driveway and petitioned our Creator once more for our girl.

Water pouring from the hose, desperate words pouring from our mouths.

God, please...isn't it time?

We have a stroller. We have the cozy crib. We have cute, sassy clothes. We have little shoes. All the little girl stuff.

We just don't have her.

But the official, Judge-approved, Judge-declared, written court orders we received a week ago (dated March 9, 2016) say we legally have her:

"In result I proceed to pass the following order:
It is hereby declared the proposed adopters, Mr. Derek Fort & Mrs. Michele Fort are the adoptive parents of the female minor, -----.

It is hereby declared that the female minor ----- shall have all legal rights including rights of inheritance as that of a natural born child of the proposed adopters, Mr. Derek Fort and Mrs. Michele Fort..."

Rights of inheritance....more tears.

Her second birthday was almost two weeks ago. We celebrated her (as best as a family can when the birthday girl isn't present) with balloons, a cookie/brownie dessert, and in song.

And last weekend we celebrated Easter.

The message of Easter itself refilled our hearts with the message of hope--believing that something good can come out of something bad.

Remembering that God is not finished.
That He is still at work.
That in His absolute sovereignty He sees the end of the story when all we see is the part we're in right now.
That all we need is a flicker of hope to keep believing.

And her passport. We need that passport.

Out of the blue, in the van the other day, Grace said, "Mom, I miss her. Some days I really miss my sister. I know that sounds impossible. But you know what I mean, right?  About missing someone you've never even met."

Yep. I do.

So I have to ask.

Would you please add one more prayer right now, as you have so faithfully, so many times prayed before?
Pray--earnestly--for that passport? Pray that it's time?

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

He has also set eternity in the human heart;

yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Matched With Our Girl! And What We Can Tell You So Far...

I realize I probably should have written portions of this post two months ago, but life just keeps going and I haven't been intentional in stopping, sitting down and taking the time to write out the specific details.  But in an effort to keep our story current on this blog, I am going to attempt to answer the questions we've been asked most lately concerning our journey to adopt:

When did you get matched with your daughter?

After three years of waiting, we finally got THE call.  The call all adoptive parents wait anxiously to get. On March 20 (the first day of spring), the assistant director over the India program from our agency (America World), phoned us and said she had a referral she was excited for us to consider. She sent us the little girl's picture, her personal information, and her medical file for us to review.

To say we were excited was an understatement.  We'd been praying for quite some time that we'd "know" our daughter when we saw her.  There are really no adequate words to describe both the joy we felt and the peace we sensed as we received all the information about this potential match for our family.  Our agency representative informed us we had two weeks to either accept or decline the referral. Our hearts wanted to say, "Yes!" at that very moment to seal the deal, but our minds knew the wisdom in taking the weekend to seek God's face about this huge, life-changing decision.

After consulting with our pediatrician concerning her medical issues and praying our guts out, we called our agency one week later and officially accepted the referral to adopt our little girl.  We shared the news with our parents, siblings, close friends and finally on Facebook with this image...

"No one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him."
Isaiah 64:4

What can you tell about her?

Not a whole lot actually.  All on account of the fact that we signed a privacy and confidentiality clause in our referral acceptance paperwork. What we can tell you is that she is a cutie!  We can also tell you she turned 14 months old yesterday.  Yes, she's still a baby!  So, we've got to go way back--breaking out the crib, the highchair, the stroller, the diaper bag and whatever else she's/we're going to need.  Thank goodness I am going to have some of the best helpers ever in Grace and Gloria.  What a blessing they will be to their little sister...and to me!

Because India has (typically) not been releasing younger children to be adopted by non-Indian families, we'd been told and we'd been expecting, to adopt an older child.  We'd been approved to adopt a female within the age range of 0-5 according to our last home study.  So when I asked the India program director, "How old is she?" and she responded with, "a year old", I was shocked.  Later on in the conversation, we found out her actual birthday was March 20, the very same day we got the news.  Seriously. Couldn't make it up if I tried.  While we missed the opportunity to throw her the big first birthday bash, prayerfully we'll make it up when she turns two!

What have you been doing since you were matched?

In a nutshell, we've been updating our home study since it had expired. We've had to redo so much paperwork.  Paperwork we'd completed twice before in the last three years.  And those blasted fingerprints. So many complications getting them. But from an email we received last week, everything is finally good to go with that.

We had our last home visit with our caseworker a week ago.  Well, the last one until she returns for a post-placement visit three months after we bring our daughter home.  We also asked our friend who is a notary to come over and notarize a stack of official documents which came straight from the orphanage and which will return right back to them. And lastly, I had to drive to Atlanta to get that stack of uber-important papers stamped with the federal apostille stamp before we could Fed Ex them on to our agency and then on to India.

What do you have to do next?

We have some immigration stuff to tackle, but for the most part our work here is done.  We've done all we need to do and now the orphanage is responsible for initiating and advocating for us as our case moves through the court system in India.  So we return to waiting.  Waiting for it all to continue to move forward on the other side of the world.

How much longer until you can go get her?

According to our agency, probably another 10 months...though we are praying it will be sooner!  Like 5-6 months sooner.  The good news is that we do not have to be present for us to pass the court process.  It is completed via adoption paperwork submitted by the orphanage on behalf of us. The orphanage will hold a Power of Attorney to represent us to the judge.  A court decree is then issued which allows the orphanage to apply for our daughter's passport.

Once her passport is obtained, we can arrange to travel to India to get her! Unfortunately, there is no estimated time frame for the court approval processes, so we really have no clue.  But another piece of good news is that according to our agency, our little girl is in a "good" orphanage. Basically, it means it's one in which our agency has worked with in years/situations past and continues to have a good working relationship. Always a good thing.

How long will you be in India?

We'll be there about two weeks to complete the adoption and wait on various paperwork and approvals. We'll have a guide from our agency there to assist us during this part of the process, which is very reassuring.

Derek and I have chosen not to take our girls with us on the trip.  As much as they would both like to go to be a part of this journey and to help tell her story, they understand the added difficulty and of course, cost, if they were to travel with us.  We are dreading being away from them for two weeks, but we'll do what we have to do. Skyping each other every chance we can will help and of course, praying the time goes by quickly until we can all be together as a new family unit.

We're excited.  Our girls are excited.  In our heads, we know inevitably there are going to be new challenges, but we also know there will be so many new joys.

Countless are the other personal, intimate details of this story so far, which unfortunately I cannot share in this public forum. If I've had a conversation with you, then you already know how amazing God's hand has been in this. If not, then hopefully I will have the chance to share soon.  I've always told the Lord that as long as He keeps writing the story, I'll tell it.  His thoughts, His ways are so much higher than ours. And already He has done far more than we could have ever asked or imagined.

How can we pray?

Please pray this part of the process goes by quickly.  And in the words of my friend, that "God will move expeditiously on behalf of His children."

Expeditiously.  Isn't that an awesome word?  So awesome to me that it's recently moved all the way to the tippy-top of my favorites list!

Yes, we've waited a long time. But as anyone should understand, the wait is harder now because we know who we're waiting for.

"Though it linger, wait for it; 

it will certainly come and will not delay." 

Habakkuk 2:3b

Falling Through My Kitchen Ceiling & an Adoption Update (because they totally go together...)

If we're friends on Facebook, then you may have seen this picture and post three weeks ago:

"See this disastrous hole in my kitchen ceiling?  Now just imagine my entire left leg dangling from it.
Why?  Because about an hour ago, it was!

In an effort to save a little $$$, I went to the attic to try to find some of Grace's previously worn black dress shoes for Gloria to wear this weekend to a Valentine's dance.  Wasn't paying attention, took one step back & down I went...screaming all the way.

Took Derek about 2 seconds to race up the ladder & rescue his insulation-covered, shaken-up, teary wife.  Girls witnessed the whole thing & were quite shaken up as well. :( 

I bruised my knee & right wrist has been throbbing (& of course my pride is wounded), but other than that, I'm good.  Praise God!

So...looking back (& up at this mess), I'm thinking it would've been a whole lot cheaper to have just purchased new dress shoes..."

From the response I received, apparently falling through your ceiling is more common than I had initially thought.  After the shock wore off and the heart rates went down, we all got a good ol' fashioned belly laugh about it, particularly when my oldest said, "Mom, no offense or anything...but when I saw your leg hanging down, all I could think of were the huge shoes at the Center for Puppetry Arts."

A most accurate comparison indeed.

The last time we were at the
Center for Puppetry Arts in Atlanta

What I recall most of that entire evening was not the scary moment I fell, the humongous mess in my kitchen, or the pain I was feeling in my body.  It was actually something Grace, my oldest, said to me moments after it all happened.

My sweet, compassionate girls had ushered me to the recliner in the living room and had given me ice packs for my knee and wrist.  And while they were doctoring me (and my frazzled emotions) with lots of TLC, Derek took to action, cutting back loose dry wall, vacuuming up the insulation, etc.  Then without saying a word, he headed back up into the attic with a large piece of cardboard he'd found in the garage.

From the recliner, Grace and I could hear him working and could see some movement, but weren't sure what he was doing.  I asked her, "So...what do you think he's doing up there?" 

Gazing up at her daddy, Grace nonchalantly said, "Hmm...I don't know. But I trust him."

Forget the new bumps and bruises on my body, that simple comment left fresh marks on my heart.

And I knew why.

Three years ago, in one of the biggest steps of faith we've ever taken as a family, we began the journey to adopt.  Three years ago.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times, another lifetime ago.

Last spring we thought we'd finally found her.  A brown-skinned 9-month old girl with a cleft lip and palate. We requested her file from her orphanage, spent hours researching future surgeries she'd need here in the States and even had discussions of the exact placement of her crib in our bedroom.

But then we got a phone call.  It wasn't going to happen.  We were not allowed to be matched with her. Officially, we were still attached to our original orphanage in northwest India and this little girl was in a very different orphanage in southeast India.  And adoption law in India (CARA) dictated that was not a possibility.

Disappointment hurts.  Especially of the faith variety.  Somewhere along the way, I've pulled back.  In the past year, I've struggled with trust and unbelief.  I've wrestled with doubt and fear.  I've grappled with selfishness and apathy.  I've even fought thoughts of, "Do I even still want what we've been waiting for these past three years?"

Inside, I've been a mess of emotions.  I've suffered from tension headaches.  All because I can't seem to regain the confidence I once had in this journey.  I've lost it...or rather had it stolen from me.  I guess waiting a long time for anything has the potential to do that to a person.

Through all of this (and trust me, we're still in the midst of it), God has been kind.  He's been more than patient.  He's been faithful when I've been completely faithless.  He's shown me that it's been this dormant disappointment which has kept me from reaching out in full faith again, believing Him and all the promises He's given us in the last three years.

About a month ago, He directed me to this in His word:

"In You our fathers put their trust; 

they trusted and You delivered them.

They cried to You and were saved; 

in You they trusted and were not disappointed." 

Psalm 22:4-5

Trust and disappointment.

And then just this past Sunday, our pastor, referencing David's two-decade wait to become the anointed King of Israel says this,

"The work of faith is in the waiting.  

The work of faith is when it's not.  

Will you wait faithfully?"

Waiting and faith.

And then we headed into Kids Crossing where we serve, where the new virtue for the month of March is patience. Yep.  Patience.

So, there I stood on stage Sunday, talking about the impatience of Esau with his brother, Jacob, and encouraging the kids to keep waiting on God's best, even if they don't think they can wait one. more. second.

Patience.

It's almost like God is telling us something...

After this emotional update, let me give you the logistical update with the adoption.  I know the guys would've liked this first, but sorry, I write the blog posts around here, not Derek.

Following the debacle last spring, our adoption agency contacted CARA (the governing agency dealing with all things adoption in India) and petitioned we be released from the orphanage they'd matched us with nearly three years ago.  After months and months of waiting for this request to be granted (because everything in India moves slower than slow), our request has been granted.  We are now officially unattached.

What does this mean?

This means we now have access to a special listing/database called CARINGS.  From what we understand, this database is updated and monitored daily by adoption agencies all over the world.  Indian orphanages upload children from their orphanages onto this list for adoption.  Since India is not releasing young, "healthy" children to be adopted by foreign families right now, this listing contains children with various special needs, ranging from mild to very severe.  The little girl with the cleft lip we had hoped to pursue in adoption was on this list.

Yes, we are clueless as to how this will all come to pass, but we are choosing to stay the course until we feel nudged to do otherwise.

What do we do while we're in this limbo state?

We...(wait for it...) wait.

And similar to Derek quietly taking care of business up in our attic, I choose to believe God is working, too.

Even when my feelings try to convince me otherwise, His Word says He is for us. He is for the fatherless. The plans He has for us are good.  Plans to prosper us, not to harm us. Plans to give us a hope and a future.

So...what is He doing?

"Hmm...I don't know.  But...I trust Him."

In the recliner...post-fall.

Principles of (Happy) Moms Who Home Educate

I stumbled upon this list on another blog I was reading a few days ago and instantly fell in love.

Because when you've reached the halfway point in your school year and when you've been all bundled up trying to stay warm and disliking January (VERY MUCH) and you find this list which picks you up and simultaneously kicks your butt into remembering the most important things about why you do what you do, then yes, you share it.

You share it with yourself on your own blog so you will never forget the beautiful, rest-filled, peaceful, grace-filled reminders, but also, maybe, you share it for any of your fellow homeschooling mama friends (or friends considering homeschooling) who may need the encouragement as well.

Principles of (Happy) Moms Who Home Educate:

* God is in control of our family’s home education. 

* Home education is a portion of my full vocation as wife and mother. Keep it proportionate.

* Home education, when done from love and humility, is a steady path to sanctity and heaven.

* Home education is primarily a way of life, not an alternative to school.

* My husband is objectively the spiritual head of our household, the spiritual director of our home education.

* All home education decisions are prudential between husband, wife, and God. Leave the neighbors out of it.

* Homeschooling is mostly joyful and right. It is also hard work worth doing and involves purposeful suffering.

* Anxiety and worry are not an inevitable part of home education or an outward sign of hard work. They are signs to re-group.

* Burn-out is preventable.

* There is no perfect curriculum (self-designed or prepackaged.) Perfect is the enemy of the good. Be content with good enough. (Good enough does not justify sloth which is not good enough. Know when to realize that any additional effort toward improvement would result in a negligible improvement, especially in comparison to the effort required to gain it.)

* Plan primarily based on the truth about Mom, playing to my strengths, secondarily on the needs of the family as a whole, thirdly on the individual needs of each child, playing to their strengths.

* Emphasize character formation for all, especially formation that increases family harmony and independent decision-making. 

* Academic achievement is over-rated.

* Focus on today.

* Progress is not linear and best gauged over time.

* We’re never behind. We’re exactly where God wants us. We entrust the past to God’s Divine Mercy and the future to His Divine Providence. 

* Saints do not compare themselves to their neighbors because they keep their eyes fixed upon God.

* Delegate out of humility.

* Know when to take a break to refresh and renew.

* Know what I need to feel comfortable in my home. Prioritize maintaining a basic level of order.

* Discussion counts as an invaluable learning and teaching tool. 

* Mastery takes time, for student and educator.

* Laughter is good, even when it needs to be redirected.

* Academic standards are arbitrary.

* Time spent on curriculum planning is time not spent on other things.

* Money spent on curriculum is money not spent on other things.

* A sense of humor lightens our load.

* Enthusiasm is contagious.

* Enthusiasm enhances motivation and engagement.

* Engagement and practice increases retention. 

"Entrusting the past to God’s Divine Mercy and the future to His Divine Providence..."
And grateful that God has a giant one of these set aside for each of us on any given day...

Our Family's Best of 2014

Since I posted our family's best and most memorable events here last year, I thought I'd do another year-end recap from 2014...

Presenting the top 11 (because we couldn't agree on just 10) highlight reel from 2014 from our family:

11. Community, growth and service

Derek and I opened our home again this year to two different small groups, one in the spring and a different one this past fall.  We loved having all the couples over each Sunday night to discuss, pray and laugh together.  With the other small groups from our church, we journeyed through two different books, Joseph by Charles Swindoll and Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff Van Vonderen.  Both were excellent and challenging reads.  So grateful for the camaraderie we experienced both semesters.

Tacky sweater Christmas party!

 

In August, Derek and I began serving in Kids Crossing at our church each Sunday morning.  We are the hosts for large group, which means we have scripts and scripture we have to memorize and teach each week.  Though we're certainly not actors, the teachers in us sure have enjoyed working together and engaging with the kids in this way! 

A few months ago, during the second service, Grace started helping in the kindergarten class, using her gifts of patience, teaching and love for children.  Also, both girls have been a part of the Kids Worship Team this year.  Each month they learn new songs and then lead worship in Kids Crossing on their designated Sunday.  It has blessed our hearts watching them sing and dance for Jesus from backstage!

10. Technology conference at the University of Texas in Austin

While Derek attended classes and seminars during the mornings and afternoons, I spent three hot, July days resting, reading, working out and staying poolside.  Yes, I was a lucky girl, indeed!  In the evenings, we explored the eclectic city of Austin in our cute little rental car, enjoyed dinner out and even went shopping for boots.  Because when in Rome...or Texas...

9. Ended 3rd year of homeschooling; began 4th term here at Fort Academy

Our curriculum left us in Ancient Greece back in May and in August, we began our history lessons with Ancient Rome. 

Field trip to Rome, Georgia, to see Romulus and Remus,
founders of Ancient Rome as legend tells it.

The girls are currently in 2nd and 5th grades this year and doing exceptionally well.  Just like any other classroom, with any other teacher, and with any other students, we have great days and on occasion, we have a few not-so-great days.  That's just life.  (Especially life spent teaching your own flesh and blood, day in and day out. ;))  We've all learned so much, but I've most certainly learned the most.  Very thankful for the second education I'm getting this go-around and very thankful for all the time I get to spend with my girls!

8.  Field trip to Kentucky and Ohio

As an extension of having gone through the Old Testament last school year, we took a road trip to the Creation Museum in northern Kentucky over spring break in April.  We also traveled to the Cincinnati Zoo and then into Indiana, just so the girls could color one more state on their map. :) On the way home, we made a quick stop in Louisville at Churchill Downs and let the girls see where the Kentucky Derby is run each spring. 

 

7.  Gymnastics & softball

In January of this year, both girls began going to gymnastics one hour, once a week at a local gymnastics center.  During the summer, they became part of a team, the Gym Stars, and are now at the gym two hours a day, two days a week.  They have had two mini/mock meets so far and also had the chance to march in the local Christmas parade with their gym.  They will begin meets in March and are very excited to have a small taste of competition.  We are shocked at how many skills both of them have gained this year, but mostly at how strong they both have become.  And I have to say they probably spend more time on their hands than their feet nowadays!

Gloria played another season of 6U softball this past spring and Derek coached her team again.  I sure hope we never stop loving being on the ballfield!

 

6.  Beach trip to Destin, Florida

It had been five years, but in September all four of us were able to go to the beach together and we couldn't have asked for a better trip.  Well...except for the last morning there.  But since I wrote about that here in my last post, I'll move ahead to the next one...

 

5. Camping in our new tent

Never say never.  Because I said I'd never sleep in a tent.  I said I'd never go camping in a tent.  But when you're family wants to try it, you give in or get left out.  So...we bought a tent (and a whole bunch of other camping supplies) and went camping in October, tent style.  And after three days snuggled up in sleeping bags, on cots, out in the great outdoors, it wasn't bad.  As a matter of fact, I could even say, it was fun, because well...it was fun.  So much so, that we just might pack up house and home and try it again in 2015. :)

 

4. Trip to New York

Anthony, my friend's husband, called in late September to let me know of his big birthday plans for his wife, Terri. She would be turning 40 in November and had always wanted to see the Broadway show, "Wicked". Terri's husband wanted to surprise her with a trip to NYC to see the show. Derek and Anthony started having conversations about the trip, how it would be even more fun if we were able to join them in the celebration, especially since the three of us had all just turned 40 within the last few months. The two of them began planning, scheduling, and making reservations for all of four of us to go.  We were successfully able to keep the entire trip a complete secret for nearly six weeks! Terri was beyond surprised when they arrived in NYC and we were already at the hotel waiting for them.  The four of us had an amazing time; it will definitely go down as one of the all-time, best vacations we've ever had!



The suckers may say, "40 sucks", but our trip to NYC sure didn't!

3.  Derek's technology conference in Orlando...and Disney World!

During the last week in January, Derek had his first technology conference of the year in Orlando.  We decided to take the whole family down earlier than his conference and enjoy a few days at Disney World.  Derek and I managed to keep our plans a total surprise for the girls.  They only thought we were going to hang out at a hotel for three days, doing school, swimming, etc. while Dad went to his sessions.  They had no idea where we were headed and all the plans we'd made. 

All of our secret planning paid off in a huge way when, shortly after 10:00pm, we approached the infamous "Welcome to Disney World" sign before entering the Disney resorts.  The girls were shocked, totally and completely surprised.  There were tears, and smiles, shrieks, and laughter.  All the emotions we'd hope we'd see, we saw late that night in the car.  When the week was over, we wound up having the most magical time (of course we did...it's Disney!), including meeting Elsa and Anna, which clinched the entire trip for them.  Here's to hoping Derek goes back to another conference in Orlando very soon!

2.  Our "over the hill" birthdays

Big year for us celebrating our big 4-0's!

 

1.  My brother is cancer-free!

In mid-January of this past year, my younger brother called with devastating news.  He had cancer, Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  For six months, every other week, he received his prescribed dose of chemotherapy.  He got sick.  He lost some weight.  He lost some hair.  But never, not that I ever saw, did he lose his fighting spirit.  Now, I'm sure he had some very difficult moments, like when he caught a stomach virus while his immune system was compromised which put him in the hospital because he was deathly ill.  And I'm sure there were others behind closed doors, but even then, he always seemed to maintain hope, bravery and positivity in the midst of it all. 

In June, when his last chemo session was all said and done, and his scans came back "normal", we celebrated.  We celebrated because not only did God walk through those stressful, hard months with my brother, his wife and our family and friends, but He chose, in His sovereign kindness, to heal my brother.  And for that reason alone, we celebrated.  And we still celebrate.  Without a doubt, the best thing that happened in our family during 2014 is that my brother is healthy and well.

He's the man!

For all our family has been extremely fortunate to do this year, we are grateful.  We are grateful for the opportunities to travel and the experiences we've had together.  As we look ahead, I thought this quote which one of my favorite comedians posted on Facebook sums up how I feel about the upcoming year:

"Hey 2015 - I see you waiting there. 

I reach out confidently to shake your hand because

I know Who goes before me and

Who is for me

and Whose I am."

~ Anita Renfroe

Happy 2015 to you all!