Today I am changing my writing style for this blog. Since I am in a place where it feels like I can't speak to anyone in my life comfortably, this blog will be my new therapist...until my insurance kicks in and I can get the help I really need.So.....
Good afternoon Therapist,
Today is hard. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I realize that I don't fully trust confiding in anyone. Seriously, not one single person. Today it's back to this business shit. I don't know if I've told you...I have been building a cleaning business. For my boyfriend.
Everything that has gotten done to make the business legit, I've done. Everything that needs to be done, I will be doing...including the actual cleaning. Something that I have no problem with...if I'm thinking about it as if I am helping my bf build, which will help US build in the long run.
Which may or may not be true. I will help him build, but more than likely it will not help me the same. I think at the end of this, I will regret helping with this. I feel like I will do all the work, just for him to use this as a means to help other women. Women from his past.
And how in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Other bitches possibly benefiting off of something that I put together? That thought has taken over today. In the ugliest ways.
I've watched this happen many times since I've been "DOWN". As I've gone out of my way to give this man my last. As I've remained faithful and hopeful that one day I'd be all he'd need. And I'm realizing, that that will never be reality for me with him.
I've tried to show just how perfect I am. How I only want him for him. Show how much of "wife material" I am....only to keep getting shown that no matter how much I do for him...it will truly never be enough to get to the place I want to be with him. I want to work for US, Not for him and his nothing hoes.
I AM SO OVER THIS BULLSHIT LIFE.
My heart is too good for this. I've never deserved to feel less than....
I never want a man to marry me just because he's settling because the one he "really wants" is a nothing hoe that he knows he can't build with.
I don't want to be anyone's fucking backup plan.
4 1/2 years in a relationship, and I feel like a fucking backup plan.
I'm just tired of everything and everyone.
Seems like I'm crying daily as my dreams silently crash around me. Closing me in, Unable to breathe..I need help sorting through my thoughts. I need help knowing if I'm wrong or right. I need help figuring out my next step.
I've never prayed so hard on a subject. I've never begged for guidance as much as I have through this. I don't want to love anyone anymore.I hate loving someone more than myself. It is by far the worst mistake I've ever made.
Stop these tears. Please.
-Robyn
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13
Friday, October 28
Acceptance...
Hello again,
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Friday, February 19
Just one of those days...
Yo.
I've been writting full blogs for the past week and just cant make myself push the publish button. One reason and one reason only; they have all been about the same thing, the same person. Valentines Day someone contacted me.[Mind you Valentines Day marked our exact one year mark since our last date, since our last...everything.]
During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]
During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]
Monday, November 9
Yesterday...
Yo.
Welcome to all my lovely new followers. Because I'm not really in the mood to talk shit today, I'll post a poem written by yours truly.!
[..Yesterday..]
"Im done."
...With?
"You."
Simple.
As simple as it gets.
...still my mind rushed to bring meaning to these words.
My heart paused...paused because I knew exactly what it meant.
The simplest way to break up with someone...I knew that it was over.
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
I wake up this morning yearning to talk to you,to tell you how far I've come.
To brag...to prove...
but there is nothing to prove.
I wish I could tell you that I've moved on.
I wish I could tell you that I was happy...as you.
Yeah...Ive grown,
Yeah...I'm more mature,
Yeah...I've done all this great shit mentally because of our outcome
...But emotionally?...Emotionally its still yesterday.
I wish yesterday would stop being today.
Simply put I miss you.
I know that this is best...but still I miss you.
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
...too scared to try again, too scared to love?
am i supposed to resent those who try?
am i supposed to...still love you?
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
Yea, i wrote this after the whole "It's been a year" post. [If you missed it, check it out ---> *HERE*]. Don't worry I'll be back to my shit talkin self soon! Until next time...Toodles!
Welcome to all my lovely new followers. Because I'm not really in the mood to talk shit today, I'll post a poem written by yours truly.!
[..Yesterday..]
"Im done."
...With?
"You."
Simple.
As simple as it gets.
...still my mind rushed to bring meaning to these words.
My heart paused...paused because I knew exactly what it meant.
The simplest way to break up with someone...I knew that it was over.
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
I wake up this morning yearning to talk to you,to tell you how far I've come.
To brag...to prove...
but there is nothing to prove.
I wish I could tell you that I've moved on.
I wish I could tell you that I was happy...as you.
Yeah...Ive grown,
Yeah...I'm more mature,
Yeah...I've done all this great shit mentally because of our outcome
...But emotionally?...Emotionally its still yesterday.
I wish yesterday would stop being today.
Simply put I miss you.
I know that this is best...but still I miss you.
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
...too scared to try again, too scared to love?
am i supposed to resent those who try?
am i supposed to...still love you?
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
Sunday, October 25
It's been a year :(
Yo.
Today is October 25, 2009. Exactly one year ago the love of my life [K.J] broke up with me. Yes this post might be a downer, but I write about what's on my mind. And this I NEED to write. All month I've been dreading this day, wondering how I would react...wondering would I cry. Wondering how far I've come...wondering so many things that should be far from my mind. I don’t like talking to people about him, because I know that by now I should have BEEN moved on. I know that...I’m stupid. The saddest part is probably how we broke up. How can you break up with someone you claim to love so much through a text message...and when they call to ask what the fuck is going on you don’t even have the decency to answer the phone?! Besides that, this post is to evaluate how far I've really come. So I guess I have to ask myself some questions. [How often do you think about him?]-*sigh* Every day, every single fucking day. [What do you think about?]*sigh* How much I miss him, how much he meant to me...how happy he made me, how i hope that he's ok.[Do you still cry over him?]*sigh* Sort of like I am now? Every once in a while I can’t help the tears. [Do you want him back?]...my heart says yes, but my mind says to answer NO. [Are you ok with how ya'll are?] Yes, I’m OK with not speaking with him. Yes I'm OK with not seeing him, Yes I'm OK. [Are you happy that he has moved on?] No. No I am not happy that he has moved on. BUT I am happy that he found HER. I am happy that he is in HER life...I am happy that he is happy! And yes that is the truth. This blog is no place for sugar-coating. I honestly believe that AT THIS TIME she might be a better girlfriend than I am. Yeah, and I never admit shit like that. So add up all the sadness with my happiness and you get content. So I’m content on how things happened. I have grown from it, and learned so much from him. Things that I didn’t know about me. I could sit here and verbally reminisce through our whole relationship, tell exactly what I love, what I didn’t love as much, and what went wrong on both behalves...but it would take a century...and leave me steps behind. You know i still have his text messages in my phone?! All of them...secretly saved in my drafts. Before the end of the day I hope I have the strength to delete them. He is not mine anymore, no point of hanging on to the "thinking about you's", the "missing you's", the "I love you's", or the "I love you mores’". No point in holding on so tightly to a past that has fought so hard to get away.
Simply, I miss him. Everything about him...no matter what anyone says he is a great person. Even if he is childish, a cheater, shallow or anything else everyone else wants to call him. Every now and then I feel the need to call/txt him...just to see how he is. To make sure he is ok. I've never been the type to be stuck on someone. After relationships end usually I have a list of new prospects by the next week. And with him...I can honestly say he was different...but in an all too similar way. His laughter haunts me, random images of him, his smiles, his phrases...they all follow me. Why is it so hard to escape this feeling?!.Compared to others it feels like my first time falling in love. Although I know this isn’t the case. Why am I so scared to try again?! Because I fell TOO hard, and it seems impossible to get back to where I was before him. IMPOSSIBLE.
So to what used to be MY Mr. Jones...I still love you, BUT I am truly happy to see you happy with HER. And to the new Mrs., Make sure you take care of him. Make sure that you don’t hurt him...Make sure that you love him as I loved him, Make sure he stays happy!
[TO MY READERS: I'm sorry. I will try to avoid the depressing shit...but this I couldn’t help....so until next time...TOODLES! ]
Simply, I miss him. Everything about him...no matter what anyone says he is a great person. Even if he is childish, a cheater, shallow or anything else everyone else wants to call him. Every now and then I feel the need to call/txt him...just to see how he is. To make sure he is ok. I've never been the type to be stuck on someone. After relationships end usually I have a list of new prospects by the next week. And with him...I can honestly say he was different...but in an all too similar way. His laughter haunts me, random images of him, his smiles, his phrases...they all follow me. Why is it so hard to escape this feeling?!.Compared to others it feels like my first time falling in love. Although I know this isn’t the case. Why am I so scared to try again?! Because I fell TOO hard, and it seems impossible to get back to where I was before him. IMPOSSIBLE.
So to what used to be MY Mr. Jones...I still love you, BUT I am truly happy to see you happy with HER. And to the new Mrs., Make sure you take care of him. Make sure that you don’t hurt him...Make sure that you love him as I loved him, Make sure he stays happy!
[TO MY READERS: I'm sorry. I will try to avoid the depressing shit...but this I couldn’t help....so until next time...TOODLES! ]
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