Today I am changing my writing style for this blog. Since I am in a place where it feels like I can't speak to anyone in my life comfortably, this blog will be my new therapist...until my insurance kicks in and I can get the help I really need.So.....
Good afternoon Therapist,
Today is hard. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I realize that I don't fully trust confiding in anyone. Seriously, not one single person. Today it's back to this business shit. I don't know if I've told you...I have been building a cleaning business. For my boyfriend.
Everything that has gotten done to make the business legit, I've done. Everything that needs to be done, I will be doing...including the actual cleaning. Something that I have no problem with...if I'm thinking about it as if I am helping my bf build, which will help US build in the long run.
Which may or may not be true. I will help him build, but more than likely it will not help me the same. I think at the end of this, I will regret helping with this. I feel like I will do all the work, just for him to use this as a means to help other women. Women from his past.
And how in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Other bitches possibly benefiting off of something that I put together? That thought has taken over today. In the ugliest ways.
I've watched this happen many times since I've been "DOWN". As I've gone out of my way to give this man my last. As I've remained faithful and hopeful that one day I'd be all he'd need. And I'm realizing, that that will never be reality for me with him.
I've tried to show just how perfect I am. How I only want him for him. Show how much of "wife material" I am....only to keep getting shown that no matter how much I do for him...it will truly never be enough to get to the place I want to be with him. I want to work for US, Not for him and his nothing hoes.
I AM SO OVER THIS BULLSHIT LIFE.
My heart is too good for this. I've never deserved to feel less than....
I never want a man to marry me just because he's settling because the one he "really wants" is a nothing hoe that he knows he can't build with.
I don't want to be anyone's fucking backup plan.
4 1/2 years in a relationship, and I feel like a fucking backup plan.
I'm just tired of everything and everyone.
Seems like I'm crying daily as my dreams silently crash around me. Closing me in, Unable to breathe..I need help sorting through my thoughts. I need help knowing if I'm wrong or right. I need help figuring out my next step.
I've never prayed so hard on a subject. I've never begged for guidance as much as I have through this. I don't want to love anyone anymore.I hate loving someone more than myself. It is by far the worst mistake I've ever made.
Stop these tears. Please.
-Robyn
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13
Friday, October 28
Acceptance...
Hello again,
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Wednesday, October 26
Lost love, again
Hello again,
This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much.
Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.
I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.
But my forever, is tired of her.
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.
I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.
We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.
But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.
She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.
Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.
In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.
That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.
I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.
I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.
I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*
This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much.
Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.
I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.
But my forever, is tired of her.
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.
I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.
We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.
But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.
She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.
Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.
In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.
That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.
I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.
I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.
I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*
Friday, December 9
Counting down the days...
Yo.
I'm not really sure when EXACTLY he's coming home.
But I know that it's soon.
Soon, and I cannot wait to see his face.
I adore him, in every sense of the word.
I'm sure he won't really agree with my decision, but it's better than nothing. I'm ready for these fantasies to be taken care of. To begin this plutonic friendship after the fun is over.
It's crazy.
He's been the only dick in me for almost the past 3 years.
Last one besides him was the ex.
Valentines day 2009.
Since then, it's only been him.
Maybe that's why I don't really care to branch out.
Find replacement dick.
Because I'm completely satisfied with him.
Unless I can get a guarantee that the next will do it like him,or better...I don't want it.
I don't even want to try.
But there is absolutely no way in hell that I will limit myself to dick only when he visits.
That would mean that I would be celibate for majority of the year...with maybe 2 visits from him.
Fuck no, right now that sounds insane.
But it only SOUNDS insane.
I've gone without it for the last 5 months.
Waiting...for him to come back. Isn't that crazy?
I've needed it.
NEEDed it.
& I don't just want to go out and find random dick.
Nor do I really want a relationship or to be in love with anyone else.
The problem. I only want him, so the option of someone else has become non-existent.
But my sex drive is too high for me to continue doing this.
Because if I had the option to fuck him EVERYday I would.
Every morning.
Every night.
Surprise mid-day sex.
Smh, I wish I could go back to a time when all of that was an option.
We'd bang like rabbits.
When he gets here, I need to have all of my fantasies in order. I only want him to fulfill them. And if this is going to be the last few times, then I need to make it count.
Counting down the days...
The hours, the minutes, ...the seconds.
I'm not really sure when EXACTLY he's coming home.
But I know that it's soon.
Soon, and I cannot wait to see his face.
I adore him, in every sense of the word.
I'm sure he won't really agree with my decision, but it's better than nothing. I'm ready for these fantasies to be taken care of. To begin this plutonic friendship after the fun is over.
It's crazy.
He's been the only dick in me for almost the past 3 years.
Last one besides him was the ex.
Valentines day 2009.
Since then, it's only been him.
Maybe that's why I don't really care to branch out.
Find replacement dick.
Because I'm completely satisfied with him.
Unless I can get a guarantee that the next will do it like him,or better...I don't want it.
I don't even want to try.
But there is absolutely no way in hell that I will limit myself to dick only when he visits.
That would mean that I would be celibate for majority of the year...with maybe 2 visits from him.
Fuck no, right now that sounds insane.
But it only SOUNDS insane.
I've gone without it for the last 5 months.
Waiting...for him to come back. Isn't that crazy?
I've needed it.
NEEDed it.
& I don't just want to go out and find random dick.
Nor do I really want a relationship or to be in love with anyone else.
The problem. I only want him, so the option of someone else has become non-existent.
But my sex drive is too high for me to continue doing this.
Because if I had the option to fuck him EVERYday I would.
Every morning.
Every night.
Surprise mid-day sex.
Smh, I wish I could go back to a time when all of that was an option.
We'd bang like rabbits.
When he gets here, I need to have all of my fantasies in order. I only want him to fulfill them. And if this is going to be the last few times, then I need to make it count.
Counting down the days...
The hours, the minutes, ...the seconds.
Sunday, November 27
All I can seem to write about is him...
Yo. Just another love poem.
Loves Limit:
Baby...
I...have a confession,
I love you.
Not just that regular fly by night type love...
Naw.
That, baby I love you with my soul type love.
That, baby I love you only when I ...breathe type love.
That, I dream about you every night when I sleep type love.
Yea...baby, I'm in love with you.
I wanna show you new depths of passion, be the only one you need when you dream of love. On some L.L type shit, yea I'm in need of love.
Not that, only know me when you feel you need it type love.
Not that, every single day I fuckin' hate you type love.
Not that motivated by lust, riddled with lies type love.
Naw baby...Naw.
But that, you could be my personal supply of happiness type love.
Yea, baby...I love you.
I need you to teach me all the secrets that you need in love, help me pave the way to suceed to love.
Not that, only said it to get what I need type love.
But that, planning out our future only wanna be with you type love.
That, kiss you all night while you sleep type love.
That, remind you everyday that you're all I...breathe type love.
Yea...baby, I'm completley IN love with you.
All I want is to know that we'll make it in love. All I need is to reach the impossible through love.
Not that, insecure mediocre I love you because you love me type love.
Not that, selfish ass all about me me me type love.
But that, becoming a better me to work towards US type love.
That...If I can't have forever with you, I don't want forever type love.
Yea...that type of love.
Loves Limit,higher than anything one could achieve in love.
Float away with me...to be in love.
There, we'll live happily...all we need is love.
AND, just incase you don't know by now...Baby, I LOVE you.
-Robyn
Loves Limit:
Baby...
I...have a confession,
I love you.
Not just that regular fly by night type love...
Naw.
That, baby I love you with my soul type love.
That, baby I love you only when I ...breathe type love.
That, I dream about you every night when I sleep type love.
Yea...baby, I'm in love with you.
I wanna show you new depths of passion, be the only one you need when you dream of love. On some L.L type shit, yea I'm in need of love.
Not that, only know me when you feel you need it type love.
Not that, every single day I fuckin' hate you type love.
Not that motivated by lust, riddled with lies type love.
Naw baby...Naw.
But that, you could be my personal supply of happiness type love.
Yea, baby...I love you.
I need you to teach me all the secrets that you need in love, help me pave the way to suceed to love.
Not that, only said it to get what I need type love.
But that, planning out our future only wanna be with you type love.
That, kiss you all night while you sleep type love.
That, remind you everyday that you're all I...breathe type love.
Yea...baby, I'm completley IN love with you.
All I want is to know that we'll make it in love. All I need is to reach the impossible through love.
Not that, insecure mediocre I love you because you love me type love.
Not that, selfish ass all about me me me type love.
But that, becoming a better me to work towards US type love.
That...If I can't have forever with you, I don't want forever type love.
Yea...that type of love.
Loves Limit,higher than anything one could achieve in love.
Float away with me...to be in love.
There, we'll live happily...all we need is love.
AND, just incase you don't know by now...Baby, I LOVE you.
-Robyn
Thursday, April 8
Stupid Facebook Drama!
Yo.
I'm sure I stated this in a previous post but I'm hardly ever really on facebook anymore. I stop by regularly to accept friend request and respond to messages...but other than that I could do without the boredom of it all. Something that really bothers me on facebook is when silly females decide to have full-blown arguments over men that are supposed to be theirs. Every time I log in this one girl in particulars status ALWAYS pops up on my newsfeed. Every time it is a different status about her "boyfriend"[notice the quotation marks...they are on a "break" or whatev.] and how she is laughing at all the girls approaching her saying they talk to/fuck/love him. How he is hers and how all the girls making these "false" claims need to back off and stop hating. It always bothers me to read it and to read some of her so called "haters" response to them. Personally I think if she is fighting with a new bitch everyday about someone that is supposed to be hers she needs to let that shit go. Especially since I know the guy she is fighting over. This guy does not claim her at all. I KNOW at least 3 other girls he is fucking and he talks so badly about his "girlfriend" because she was supposedly "going" [got around] before they got together. [Side note: Yes, he is all kinds of wrong for that because he knew the deal before he started to lead her own...now everybody saying he dating a hoe and he wants to renege...naw nigga, you deal with yo shit.]
She always claims to be a "grown woman" but always takes time out of her day to address every other bitch in her not so perfect picture of life. Every status she makes sounds very childish...arguing over someone who doesn’t even claim her. People coming to her page just to tell her how stupid she is, but she has friends that support it. Her friends should step in and tell her even if she is tripping about the other bitches do not entertain the people of facebook with your life drama...or better yet to leave his ass. She recently went and got a tattoo on her neck that states his name big as day.[while on their "break", BUT he's still fucking her he just doesnt claim to even hang out with her anymore.] Smh, I understand people have to make their own mistakes to really learn but how can she not see the stupidity in the whole situation.
The situation leaves her looking silly and him being triflin' as hell. [Mind you, she is only 17.] I wish I were her "friend" or even a close enough associate to tell her to do better. Her past doesn’t define her and she doesn’t
deserve the treatment from her "boyfriend" and his bitches. She's such a pretty girl...but no matter how pretty you are it can never fill the void of the brain she lacks.*sigh* I just hope if I have a daughter one day I can raise her to be better, that she IS better. Toodles.
I'm sure I stated this in a previous post but I'm hardly ever really on facebook anymore. I stop by regularly to accept friend request and respond to messages...but other than that I could do without the boredom of it all. Something that really bothers me on facebook is when silly females decide to have full-blown arguments over men that are supposed to be theirs. Every time I log in this one girl in particulars status ALWAYS pops up on my newsfeed. Every time it is a different status about her "boyfriend"[notice the quotation marks...they are on a "break" or whatev.] and how she is laughing at all the girls approaching her saying they talk to/fuck/love him. How he is hers and how all the girls making these "false" claims need to back off and stop hating. It always bothers me to read it and to read some of her so called "haters" response to them. Personally I think if she is fighting with a new bitch everyday about someone that is supposed to be hers she needs to let that shit go. Especially since I know the guy she is fighting over. This guy does not claim her at all. I KNOW at least 3 other girls he is fucking and he talks so badly about his "girlfriend" because she was supposedly "going" [got around] before they got together. [Side note: Yes, he is all kinds of wrong for that because he knew the deal before he started to lead her own...now everybody saying he dating a hoe and he wants to renege...naw nigga, you deal with yo shit.]
She always claims to be a "grown woman" but always takes time out of her day to address every other bitch in her not so perfect picture of life. Every status she makes sounds very childish...arguing over someone who doesn’t even claim her. People coming to her page just to tell her how stupid she is, but she has friends that support it. Her friends should step in and tell her even if she is tripping about the other bitches do not entertain the people of facebook with your life drama...or better yet to leave his ass. She recently went and got a tattoo on her neck that states his name big as day.[while on their "break", BUT he's still fucking her he just doesnt claim to even hang out with her anymore.] Smh, I understand people have to make their own mistakes to really learn but how can she not see the stupidity in the whole situation.
deserve the treatment from her "boyfriend" and his bitches. She's such a pretty girl...but no matter how pretty you are it can never fill the void of the brain she lacks.*sigh* I just hope if I have a daughter one day I can raise her to be better, that she IS better. Toodles.
Saturday, April 3
I'm just so tired.
Yo.
Me & her relationship....remains rocky.
& somethings I try soo hard to hold in but I am unable!
How much damage have I done to deserve this?
Me & her relationship....remains rocky.
& somethings I try soo hard to hold in but I am unable!
All to familiar yelling.
A few punches to the face.
Tears stream from my eyes.
Shock on your face.
You want to know why tears are rollng down my face?
You want to know why I'm crying this time...
What makes this time different from all the others?
Psychically...I feel nothing. Repeatedly
But mentally?...I'm breaking down.
Does it make you feel better when you hit me?
Does it set all of your anger free?
What pushes you to think...that I am a punching bag?
What drives you to feel relief after you bruise me?
....& when will it end?
Because frankly...I'm tired.
Bruised face...swollen eyes,
But I tell myself that it will be okay.
It usually is.
Where else would the anger go if not to me?
Who would have to recieve it if not me?
But this time, I am tired.
Tired of the threats,
....the mood swings
....the bruises
Tired that you never apologize.
You think it's okay.
You think because you are my shelter...
that you've purchased this punching bag.
But today, I'm just so tired Mama.
Too Tired.
Friday, February 19
Just one of those days...
Yo.
I've been writting full blogs for the past week and just cant make myself push the publish button. One reason and one reason only; they have all been about the same thing, the same person. Valentines Day someone contacted me.[Mind you Valentines Day marked our exact one year mark since our last date, since our last...everything.]
During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]
During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]
Monday, January 25
Continuing the "fuckage" after the breakup...
Yo.!
Yesterday I was talking to a close friend when she said something that just made me want to blog. We were talking about 2 couples that broke up recently. She stated how she thought it was just a plot so they would be single for Valentines' Day and that they'd hook right back up with them after that. I said something about being pretty sure that their still fucking anyway. She then said " Well duh, there's still sex! Its 2010!"..."Wth? What does that have to do with anything?"..."Everybody's doin it these days...Continuing the fuckage after the relationship"! [Sidenote: Fuckage? Yea..I def have no clue why she used that word..or made up that word either!] What kind of statement is that to be made?....A damn true one. Why once people fall out of love, make mistakes, or what the hell ever it is that breaks them up...they continue " the fuckage" after the relationship? Is it not just silly?
I know a couple who had been together a few years and broke up, claiming it was for good. A guy [an ex] stated his opinion on it. " You know she still fucking him right? Thats just so stupid. How stupid can you get. He broke up with her and she still giving him pussy?..The one thing that a lack of could possibly get them back together..She just dumb." Mind you that me and him basically had the same shit going on....but he claims our shit is different...smh. Hearing him say that was an eye opener...!I always think its a silly idea to be without the relationship title but getting all the relationship benefits. Even when I was in that same position. Its silly to continue to go out, fuck, chill, talk on the phone the same but not have a title? When situations go down like that my mind says he just wants to be a hoe. Ya'll are dating...unofficially so that he can fuck whoever without you really being able to bitch over it. But why has it become so fuckin common. Mostly every couple [i know] who has had a failed relationship have continued fucking after...unless the breakup was drastic. [& i know a few that still fuck even then]...Why?? I really would love to hear the answer to this! Does it lose a guys respect if your still fucking him afterwards..? I know girls who have said its because they would settle for having a little of him instead of losing all of him. Why though? Explain the whole continuing "the fuckage" after the relationship to me. Ive been there, done that..but still I need to get a grasp on it all!
I know a couple who had been together a few years and broke up, claiming it was for good. A guy [an ex] stated his opinion on it. " You know she still fucking him right? Thats just so stupid. How stupid can you get. He broke up with her and she still giving him pussy?..The one thing that a lack of could possibly get them back together..She just dumb." Mind you that me and him basically had the same shit going on....but he claims our shit is different...smh. Hearing him say that was an eye opener...!I always think its a silly idea to be without the relationship title but getting all the relationship benefits. Even when I was in that same position. Its silly to continue to go out, fuck, chill, talk on the phone the same but not have a title? When situations go down like that my mind says he just wants to be a hoe. Ya'll are dating...unofficially so that he can fuck whoever without you really being able to bitch over it. But why has it become so fuckin common. Mostly every couple [i know] who has had a failed relationship have continued fucking after...unless the breakup was drastic. [& i know a few that still fuck even then]...Why?? I really would love to hear the answer to this! Does it lose a guys respect if your still fucking him afterwards..? I know girls who have said its because they would settle for having a little of him instead of losing all of him. Why though? Explain the whole continuing "the fuckage" after the relationship to me. Ive been there, done that..but still I need to get a grasp on it all!
Friday, January 22
Letter to My Ex, Next..and all that good shit in between!
Yo.
I swear today just couldnt be any worse. Ughh, feels like everything is crashing around me. I dont really want to discuss my day in detail right now...maybe when i get some strength to deal with it all..I will! But today..today I'm just going to borrow another bloggers idea. I saw it on i am the unpretentious narcissist who got the idea from Truth on the Rocks ! Both of whom are lovely bloggers..gone head and check them out! Anywho...on to my letter! [Sorry for the length!]
Dear [Nigga that was just hittin' it i.e Fuckbuddy]:
You know I dont take yo ass serious right? I mean to tell you the truth I never really did. I'd appreciate it if you stop trying to contact me everytime you think we in the same area...textin/callin/facebooking me about " when we gone kick it?". Then why you got to use dumb downed phrases like that? i mean you want pussy..might as well say "when we gone get together and fuck again?"...I mean cause thats all that it translates to in my mind anyway. And why once I tell you all i want is to be fuck buddies..nothing more, your brain tells you to try to make me your girl? Just because we've had a few pillow talks when yo ass wouldnt go home does not mean that I like yo ass...and damn for sure not love. Remember baby..we just fuckin'. Keep yo feelings to yoself and just share the dick please. The only feelings you need to be concerned with of mine are the ones goin on in my pussy..ok? Thanks for understanding!
P.S- Lose my number...I stopped fuckin with you for a reason.
Dear [Dude i thought I was in love with, dudes I was in love with, and the ones I liked enough to take the " Im yo girl" title i.e EXes]:
Hmmm. Let me start by saying that all of you werent bad. I mean all of you are actually pretty decent dudes. besides the fact that ya'll all triflin. But moral wise and shit yall got some good heads on your shoulders. For the ones that I left....more than likely you deserved it. More than likely i was bored with you..and I warned you from jump..I tend to get bored easily. To the ones that i used....um sorry? I mean if you give me full control what you think ima walk on by? Hell naw..Ima take that shit and run with it. I hate men who let you run over them...anytime my EVERY opinion becomes your opinion too..we have a problem. To the ones that left me....smh. I wanna say fuck yall. But really yall the only ones I gave a damn about. The only ones I cared about leaving...well except for one. And to that one..nigga I know you thought I was devastated..and yea I was. but it wasnt cause you left, it was cause I didnt get to break up with you first..now that shit did something to my ego. Letting a nigga like you break up with me?..smh! Fuck you! To the ones i loved....I still have love for you..might not be IN love, but I def love yall asses.We all had good times...I hope yall suceed and all that good shit.Talk to ya whenever.
P.S- Ya'll can lose my number too. Dont contact me trying to fuck with my head..and damn for sure dont contact me trying to get ANOTHER chance, telling me how much I'm missed..comparing me to yo bitches after me..." You must regret the day that you left me", well duh I know that I'm better!Yo fault.!...ugh, nigga dismissed!
Dear [What the fuck...is that dude hiding in the bush? i.e STALKERS]:
I know you reading this shit, I know you excited you got a lil air time huh? You think I dont know that you check my twitter,facebook,blog, and any and every other social network you can find me on? I mean dude..hw the fuck you know I had a skype..or a formspring before I even publicized it? Crazy ass dudes. And this aint only to the exes,crazy niggas I wont give the time of day, ex fuckbuds, or just them random ass creepy dudes. Nope, its to the bitches too. I know yall watching...trying to find another reason to have my name all in you mouth. [" My names in yo mouth so it must be delicious"]..Yea I know it makes yo life to talk shit about me...but bitch you aint got stalk me on the low.Reading my shit..reading extra hard in betweeen the lines. Ughh, yall make me sick. Swear you dont like me but you keep up with my shit more than I do?Oh and um..just wait til I get my hands on a tazzer. Swear you gone wish you got my permission to just pop up off fuckin guard and shit...We clear?
Dear [.....Future?]:
Do me a favor and just dont be like the idiots,assholes,triflin niggas above. Show me that it is possible to find someone good for me..and good to me. Dont play games with my heart and try to destroy me. Respect me, be willing to be there with me. Be willing to stand in front of me [protect me]...show me that you are different...and I will give you the same. I havent been perfect, and I cant promise that I ever will be. But I will do [not try] my best...if your willing to do the same.Just be different. A different breed of man than Im used to dealing with. Show me that good and man can go in the same sentence with out be the biggest fuckin oxymoron in the world. Be on the same level in life I am...or higher. Be able to stimulate my mind, my body, my soul....be like a fairytale;to good to be true! Can you do all of that..or am I asking too much?!
[Yea, i suggest all of you do one. Even if its just for your eyes. Makes you feel good to get it out! :) Oh..I am on formspring now, gone head and ask me anything in that lil box on my sidebar. I'll answer everything! :) And I'm on skype..guess I should put that on the sidebar as well. I'm on the T's now. The Dish on Kamik to be exact...! :) Almost fully caught up...Ok, Toodles!]
I swear today just couldnt be any worse. Ughh, feels like everything is crashing around me. I dont really want to discuss my day in detail right now...maybe when i get some strength to deal with it all..I will! But today..today I'm just going to borrow another bloggers idea. I saw it on i am the unpretentious narcissist who got the idea from Truth on the Rocks ! Both of whom are lovely bloggers..gone head and check them out! Anywho...on to my letter! [Sorry for the length!]
Dear [Nigga that was just hittin' it i.e Fuckbuddy]:
P.S- Lose my number...I stopped fuckin with you for a reason.
Dear [Dude i thought I was in love with, dudes I was in love with, and the ones I liked enough to take the " Im yo girl" title i.e EXes]:
P.S- Ya'll can lose my number too. Dont contact me trying to fuck with my head..and damn for sure dont contact me trying to get ANOTHER chance, telling me how much I'm missed..comparing me to yo bitches after me..." You must regret the day that you left me", well duh I know that I'm better!Yo fault.!...ugh, nigga dismissed!
Dear [What the fuck...is that dude hiding in the bush? i.e STALKERS]:
Dear [.....Future?]:
[Yea, i suggest all of you do one. Even if its just for your eyes. Makes you feel good to get it out! :) Oh..I am on formspring now, gone head and ask me anything in that lil box on my sidebar. I'll answer everything! :) And I'm on skype..guess I should put that on the sidebar as well. I'm on the T's now. The Dish on Kamik to be exact...! :) Almost fully caught up...Ok, Toodles!]
Wednesday, December 2
Don't go snooping...you bound to find some shit!
Yo.
So, I pretty much deserted my blog for a week. But it's ok...I'm back now! :) I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving! Anywho I'm up early listening to a local radio station for their PPP [People Power Pole]! A woman sent in a question saying: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and he left his cell phone in my car and I went through his text messages. I saw several texts between him and a female who he invited over to his place for breakfast. [It's been about 3 months]I haven't said anything to him about it because I know I was wrong for snooping but it’s all bothering me. Power listeners, Should she confront her boyfriend about his text messages to other women?
So I'm probably gone make some people mad on this one...but really who cares! :)! Sooo, I don’t honestly give a shit if she confronts him. I'm more worked up about the first part of her statement. "He left his cell phone in my car and I went through his text messages.”! .....Dumb bitch. Most women agree on going through their men's cell phones and shit. They say their supposed to trust him enough to go through it and not find anything. But if you snooping in the first place...really, where is the trust?! I don’t agree with going through your boyfriend/girlfriends cell phones behind their back. In fact...I hate when people do that shit. I hate when people tell me “Well I went through his phone, and I found out he was texting some bitch calling her "baby" and "boo"" and all that other dumb bullshit. Like the saying goes if you go looking for drama....shit you gone find some. Regardless. So why even put yourself in that situation? Why put yourself in the position to possibly be hurt because of your secret trust issues. Just because the phone is sitting there does not give you the privilege to snoop through his shit. I understand he is in the wrong as well...because well she actually found some dirt. [If you gone do dirt in a relationship make sure you cover all those damn tracks...even the ones damn near invisible. Erase the inbox, sent box, deleted messages...hell even the draft. Erase all history! ] Anywho...I’m not focusing on the man because if the woman didn’t go through his phone she wouldn’t even be in her situation. She should have kept her nosey ass woman’s intuition to herself...ESPECIALLY if she wasn’t gone do shit about it. She went through his phone 3 months ago! 3 fuckin' months ago and still aint said shit to this dude. But it’s bothering her? Bitch please...if you bold enough to go through his shit you might as well gone head and cause a scene right then and there. And end the shit. End it so it won’t be "bothering you" three months later.
I will not let guys that I date go through my text messages. WILL NOT. I always establish in the beginning how silly I think it is to go through people cell phones. They always agree at the time and say they feel the same. But then when the relationship changes they want to be all in my shit. ! And that's a no no. That’s a hell no. And they always get mad when I will not let them go through my phone. Always think I'm hiding something... [Oh I always keep my shit locked so it’s no sneaking behind my back and checking my text messages and other nonsense.]! But I'm never hiding anything...just trying to avoid drama at all cost necessary. Prime Example to why I don’t let guys I date go through my shit: I was with an ex boyfriend one day after school. Senior year. He was holding my phone and I didn’t notice that it was unlocked. I was talking to him not even realizing he was browsing through my phone. Now I wasn’t gone flip out or anything because like I said he wasn’t gone find any REAL dirt. While he had the phone a guy friend of mine texts me. “So what you doing?"....Innocent text. [I was in no way interested in the guy textin my phone...we were just cool. Funny ass dude!] So he flips out. Why is [insert name here]--he knew the dude, he went to school with us--texting you? I'm like wtf? You know we cool...I can't help who text me shit. He was mad...thought I was talking to dude. So he sent back “I’m with my boyfriend [insert bf's name here]. I love him so much."...Um, dude seriously? Why feel that insecure. Another incident happened like that as well but it said “What’s up boo?"! Now I can’t help wtf these niggas decide to text me. So I just keep my phone to myself. One time my ex confiscated it...because I wouldn’t let him go through it on an earlier occasion. SO he confiscated my phone when I left the room. I noticed soon as I walked back in the room but didn’t say anything. I was going to let him go through it, if he found an “What’s up sexy?"...that’s his fault. I wasn’t doing any wrong. And he gave it back 20 minutes later and said “Here I was going to go through it...but I might be hurt if I found something. And I'm not gone do that to myself." I was like...ok, dude think I'm cheating just because I wouldn’t let him snoop in my phone the first time. No...! I just don’t want arguments started over niggas that mean NOTHING to me because they decide to add "boo", "baby”, “sexy", and all that other lame shit to the end of their casual texts.
ANYWHO back to the woman's problem. After 3 months, no I don’t think she should confront him. She should have done that shit 3 months ago. Leave that shit alone. You still there...so either leave or deal with it. Get her insecure ass somewhere and sit down. People do dumb shit. Don’t snoop and you won’t find shit. It’s like when dumb brauds go and hack their boyfriends’ facebook account...and read all the shit and go crazy when they find a flirting inbox message. Smh at yo dumb ass....shouldn’t have been looking for anything. & Smh at his dumb ass for not covering shit up. People are saying "Well she wouldn’t have known he was pursuing other women if she didnt go through his phone." Well...if her ass aint doing shit but sitting idle anyway, she didn’t need to know! DONT GO THROUGH PEOPLES SHIT! [Especially if you know yo NIGGA is dumb and isn’t going to cover his tracks]Ok, this is a long rant....Ladies; Men...Tell me what you think. Until next time...Toodles!
So, I pretty much deserted my blog for a week. But it's ok...I'm back now! :) I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving! Anywho I'm up early listening to a local radio station for their PPP [People Power Pole]! A woman sent in a question saying: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and he left his cell phone in my car and I went through his text messages. I saw several texts between him and a female who he invited over to his place for breakfast. [It's been about 3 months]I haven't said anything to him about it because I know I was wrong for snooping but it’s all bothering me. Power listeners, Should she confront her boyfriend about his text messages to other women?
So I'm probably gone make some people mad on this one...but really who cares! :)! Sooo, I don’t honestly give a shit if she confronts him. I'm more worked up about the first part of her statement. "He left his cell phone in my car and I went through his text messages.”! .....Dumb bitch. Most women agree on going through their men's cell phones and shit. They say their supposed to trust him enough to go through it and not find anything. But if you snooping in the first place...really, where is the trust?! I don’t agree with going through your boyfriend/girlfriends cell phones behind their back. In fact...I hate when people do that shit. I hate when people tell me “Well I went through his phone, and I found out he was texting some bitch calling her "baby" and "boo"" and all that other dumb bullshit. Like the saying goes if you go looking for drama....shit you gone find some. Regardless. So why even put yourself in that situation? Why put yourself in the position to possibly be hurt because of your secret trust issues. Just because the phone is sitting there does not give you the privilege to snoop through his shit. I understand he is in the wrong as well...because well she actually found some dirt. [If you gone do dirt in a relationship make sure you cover all those damn tracks...even the ones damn near invisible. Erase the inbox, sent box, deleted messages...hell even the draft. Erase all history! ] Anywho...I’m not focusing on the man because if the woman didn’t go through his phone she wouldn’t even be in her situation. She should have kept her nosey ass woman’s intuition to herself...ESPECIALLY if she wasn’t gone do shit about it. She went through his phone 3 months ago! 3 fuckin' months ago and still aint said shit to this dude. But it’s bothering her? Bitch please...if you bold enough to go through his shit you might as well gone head and cause a scene right then and there. And end the shit. End it so it won’t be "bothering you" three months later.
I will not let guys that I date go through my text messages. WILL NOT. I always establish in the beginning how silly I think it is to go through people cell phones. They always agree at the time and say they feel the same. But then when the relationship changes they want to be all in my shit. ! And that's a no no. That’s a hell no. And they always get mad when I will not let them go through my phone. Always think I'm hiding something... [Oh I always keep my shit locked so it’s no sneaking behind my back and checking my text messages and other nonsense.]! But I'm never hiding anything...just trying to avoid drama at all cost necessary. Prime Example to why I don’t let guys I date go through my shit: I was with an ex boyfriend one day after school. Senior year. He was holding my phone and I didn’t notice that it was unlocked. I was talking to him not even realizing he was browsing through my phone. Now I wasn’t gone flip out or anything because like I said he wasn’t gone find any REAL dirt. While he had the phone a guy friend of mine texts me. “So what you doing?"....Innocent text. [I was in no way interested in the guy textin my phone...we were just cool. Funny ass dude!] So he flips out. Why is [insert name here]--he knew the dude, he went to school with us--texting you? I'm like wtf? You know we cool...I can't help who text me shit. He was mad...thought I was talking to dude. So he sent back “I’m with my boyfriend [insert bf's name here]. I love him so much."...Um, dude seriously? Why feel that insecure. Another incident happened like that as well but it said “What’s up boo?"! Now I can’t help wtf these niggas decide to text me. So I just keep my phone to myself. One time my ex confiscated it...because I wouldn’t let him go through it on an earlier occasion. SO he confiscated my phone when I left the room. I noticed soon as I walked back in the room but didn’t say anything. I was going to let him go through it, if he found an “What’s up sexy?"...that’s his fault. I wasn’t doing any wrong. And he gave it back 20 minutes later and said “Here I was going to go through it...but I might be hurt if I found something. And I'm not gone do that to myself." I was like...ok, dude think I'm cheating just because I wouldn’t let him snoop in my phone the first time. No...! I just don’t want arguments started over niggas that mean NOTHING to me because they decide to add "boo", "baby”, “sexy", and all that other lame shit to the end of their casual texts.
ANYWHO back to the woman's problem. After 3 months, no I don’t think she should confront him. She should have done that shit 3 months ago. Leave that shit alone. You still there...so either leave or deal with it. Get her insecure ass somewhere and sit down. People do dumb shit. Don’t snoop and you won’t find shit. It’s like when dumb brauds go and hack their boyfriends’ facebook account...and read all the shit and go crazy when they find a flirting inbox message. Smh at yo dumb ass....shouldn’t have been looking for anything. & Smh at his dumb ass for not covering shit up. People are saying "Well she wouldn’t have known he was pursuing other women if she didnt go through his phone." Well...if her ass aint doing shit but sitting idle anyway, she didn’t need to know! DONT GO THROUGH PEOPLES SHIT! [Especially if you know yo NIGGA is dumb and isn’t going to cover his tracks]Ok, this is a long rant....Ladies; Men...Tell me what you think. Until next time...Toodles!
Sunday, November 15
Re: In the mind of "a cheater"
Yo.
Ok, before I even state the topic at hand I know that throughout this post I will manage to sound like a complete hypocrite while contradicting almost every statement I make. But hopefully by the end of the post you will at least understand MY OPINION. ! Ok, so today I am basically responding to Bubbles over at irant. idance. iwrite. She recently wrote a post titled "In the mind of a cheater"[See it *HERE*] and I would like to respond. I'm sure people will disagree...all the more reason to comment! :) ! She discussed why cheaters cheat and her whole point of view on cheating. Now I feel compelled to discuss mine. Now in no way do I condone cheating. At all, get that straight before I start to express any feeling on the topic.
So...Why do cheaters cheat? Why did I cheat? <--- [Her first question]
Well there are two reasons that cheaters cheat. It is either an emotional need or a physical need. People tend to say the reasons are based on the gender, but cheating is not to be narrowed down to a gender. Men cheat. Women cheat. People...People just cheat. Both reasons can be broken down into many things. The cheater could be lacking what they need from their partner emotionally: attention, affection, communication...etc. OR the total opposite. The cheater could be getting emotionally smothered by their partner where they just need room to breathe. Thus comes the third person [the person the cheater cheats with]. That person might give them all the compliments in the world, might make time for them when their partner seems to never have any. OR could be the one that doesn’t bother them, the one who gives them as much space as possible, an outlet when the person feels smothered in the relationship...etc. A physical need? The cheater's partner could be lacking in the sex department, isn’t willing to do certain things, just plain boring...etc. OR the person could LOVE their partner’s sex and just yearn for more, looking for "Ms. Right now","Ms. How I like it","Ms. No-strings". Basically being just to be fucking. I could go on forever and ever on reasons why people cheat. But moving on...Why did I cheat?
Hmmm, well like Ms.Bubbles said "I don’t know." I don’t know meaning...things were going well in the relationship but one night I slipped he wasn’t there and I was horny. Simple and as plain as that...meaning "It just happened." people always ask “How the fuck does that just happen?"...Well, you’re in a room with someone...your hormones are all over the place...and you know you want sex. [Right here is your place to be strong enough to walk away or like I was told "not put yourself in this situation in the first place"] But since I already had put myself there when the touching and shit started happening...IT JUST HAPPENED. Plain. Simple. I fought the urge...but still it happened. I asked the first person who cheated on me “What the fuck do you mean it just happened? Did I not cross your mind? Was it not enough to stop you from fucking her?"...and when I cheated I asked myself the same question. And sadly...I did think about him, I thought about him before, I thought about him during, I thought about him after...after while I cried. I thought about him the whole way. Why didn’t my thoughts stop me...why didn’t they stop me from hurting him? Because...I knew what I wanted, what it felt like I NEEDED that night to feel better. I knew that I was a bad person.
So why did I cheat?--Because that night I lacked self-control...because that night all I wanted was pleasure....and he was not there to give it to me.
Her next question was: What if you [the person being cheated on] cheated? Wouldn’t you want your mate to take you back?
Basically put yourself in their shoes. Well I'll give you my scenario. Once he told me he cheated...I was willing to take him back. I was willing to work with him through the flaws...I was willing to be there, and would have been willing even if I hadn’t cheated. [Love makes you do and accept some dumb ass shit.]His reaction to this was " I don’t think anyone has showed me they loved me this much, maybe [enter ex girlfriend before me name here], but not even she showed that she loved me this much. One day I am going to marry you." Sounds like he was happy right?...Now minutes later after I confessed it all changed. “Bye Robyn, just bye." and "Since you look at cheating as not such a big idea idk if I would want to marry anyone like that." BAM! POW. And all those other action words that would describe what was being done to my heart at the time. I was so confused. I mean here I was ready to work with you through your problem [because you cheated well over one time] and you could not/would not accept my one time cheating. Damn, should've kept my mouth shut. I do think cheating is a big deal...it's a huge deal actually. Anywho, putting myself in my partners shoes since I've cheated before...Would I take someone else back if they cheat on me? Ask the person who cheated "If I cheated on you...would you take me back?" If they say yes...proceed to make up a story about how you cheated [make it seem as real as possible]...just to get their REAL reaction, and go from there. If he/she was actually willing to be there with you sincerely, tell them you lied to get their reaction. And maybe those who would accept you...MAYBE they deserve ONE more chance, those who are like fuck you...then fuck them!
"I can say that cheaters don't mean to cheat. We don't go out of our way to hurt the people who love us."- Bubbles
With all of that said...give me your opinion on this whole thing?! I'd love to hear both sides...no matter what! :)! Toodles!
Friday, November 13
Getting to know little ole ME!
Yo.
So today I'm going to do a post about little things in my life...getting to know me a little more. [It has a lot of photos randomly thrown in , sorry! :)]Right now I’m on the phone with my best friend, Reem. She's what we call "on mars"! She is past gone, and she is holding me hostage on the phone. Seriously! She isn’t talking about shit really. But since I'm a "good friend" I'll stay on the phone with her high ass. The weekend is almost here...Yes! I get to go home and do a little shopping...and guess whose paying? My Mother! Yahhh :D! I love shopping more when it's not my money!
I TOTALLY hate school right now. Like...that’s really an understatement. I hate these people. I hate being around them. I hate that they don’t have daily events like my first college had. I hate that my best friends [Ally& Reem] are sooo far away from me. I miss them. I never realized what good times we had freshman year until now. They kept me sane and laughing. I left them to come here to be closer to home and so far that’s the only positive. I hate Arkansas in general. [Ok, so we been on the phone for an hour and she just rambling about shit...yall stay away from drugs--! :)] I'm thinking about moving to Texas next year. REALLY considering. Change schools [again], find an apartment, and other things I'd have to do to get myself prepared for the move over the summer. Arkansas is just not where I want to be in my future. The ONLY factor is my family; I can't live without them--and so far away is basically being without them.
My Bestfriends and I:
Random: Oh, how I miss my Meech---He's my brother now! :) .Oh, I guess since I shouted out everyone else--there is this guy who wants to be with me. Who wants me say "I love you" [the horrid forbidden words] to him so bad, and that is something I just can’t do. Like I said I REFUSE to be back in that shitty love lost position. He’s cool though...probably knows more about me than any other guy. And he ACTUALLY accepts me flaws and all...I've never truly had that. But I have serious trust issues. I need to find someone to talk to. I would tell yall a way I handle not trusting anyone enough to talk to them, but yall would probably think I was crazy. And maybe I am, but just a little.
Yeap...I'll be back to my venting post...Don’t fret. Until next time though...Toodles!
So today I'm going to do a post about little things in my life...getting to know me a little more. [It has a lot of photos randomly thrown in , sorry! :)]Right now I’m on the phone with my best friend, Reem. She's what we call "on mars"! She is past gone, and she is holding me hostage on the phone. Seriously! She isn’t talking about shit really. But since I'm a "good friend" I'll stay on the phone with her high ass. The weekend is almost here...Yes! I get to go home and do a little shopping...and guess whose paying? My Mother! Yahhh :D! I love shopping more when it's not my money!
[Me, Mommy, & Ilysha-my sis-]
I TOTALLY hate school right now. Like...that’s really an understatement. I hate these people. I hate being around them. I hate that they don’t have daily events like my first college had. I hate that my best friends [Ally& Reem] are sooo far away from me. I miss them. I never realized what good times we had freshman year until now. They kept me sane and laughing. I left them to come here to be closer to home and so far that’s the only positive. I hate Arkansas in general. [Ok, so we been on the phone for an hour and she just rambling about shit...yall stay away from drugs--! :)] I'm thinking about moving to Texas next year. REALLY considering. Change schools [again], find an apartment, and other things I'd have to do to get myself prepared for the move over the summer. Arkansas is just not where I want to be in my future. The ONLY factor is my family; I can't live without them--and so far away is basically being without them.
My Bestfriends and I:
[Me and Reem- I love this girl! :)]
[Me & Ally- I love this girl too! :)]
[From last halloween, we dont hv many pics of ALL of us together. Sad right?.]
So today my ex texted me. I haven’t heard from nor contacted him since the beginning of September. And all of a sudden he texts me today. It was an innocent text. "I saw your mom."[Mind you he saw her like 2-3 weeks ago but thought he should text me today to tell me.] Of course I already knew that, I was with her. No he didn’t see me and I wasn’t going to go out of my way to speak to him. I mean for what? We haven’t talked which clearly means we don’t really have shit to say. Anywho when I received the text I was kinda shocked to see his number go across the screen. But for the first time EVER, I didn’t have a rush of emotions fill my heart. Memories didn’t try to cram themselves to the front of my mind, didn’t try to find the/an underlying reason for him texting me...for the first time my reaction was normal. And, IM HAPPY! It means that I've FINALLY made progress, that I've finally at least taken one step. :)! -It's been a long time coming-! [This girl just randomly blurted out "Whoop Whoop" in the middle of our conversation.] What else is there to say? Hmmm...Um, well I was talking to a few guys...well not really "talking to them" just holding conversations with them. Yes it’s a difference. When I'm "talking" to someone that means I'm trying to get to know them as well as them trying to get to know them rather than just having pointless conversations where they are trying to get to know me but I'm not really fucked up about anything they have to say..At all. Yeah, haven’t found anyone really worth investing my time in. I refuse to end up the same love lost position I've been in for the last year again. Absolutely REFUSE! [She has said Hello about 2564 times since we've been on the phone. That's like the most frustrating thing ever.]....I miss my sisters. I miss them so dearly. I love my little darlings and can’t wait to see them tomorrow! They really bring happiness to my life. Oh...we've been moving for what seems like a year [4 months], Ughhh I want this to be over. [Reem just said "Earlier I felt like I was walking on marshmallows."...wtf? Lol!] Ughhh, I'm just ready to see my mother back to her usual crazy self. She calls me every day and vents about life...when she never even talked to me when we stayed in the same house. I’m happy about this as well. She is probably the craziest woman you could ever meet, but I don’t know where I'd be without her. I love her and owe her my life! 
[Nika -my lil sis-& I]
[Bad pic, but My sisters & I !]
[lol, Me and my sissy's---OLD pic clearly!!]
Random: Oh, how I miss my Meech---He's my brother now! :) .Oh, I guess since I shouted out everyone else--there is this guy who wants to be with me. Who wants me say "I love you" [the horrid forbidden words] to him so bad, and that is something I just can’t do. Like I said I REFUSE to be back in that shitty love lost position. He’s cool though...probably knows more about me than any other guy. And he ACTUALLY accepts me flaws and all...I've never truly had that. But I have serious trust issues. I need to find someone to talk to. I would tell yall a way I handle not trusting anyone enough to talk to them, but yall would probably think I was crazy. And maybe I am, but just a little.
[An ancient pic of My Meech -brother from another other mother-and I :)]
[Me, My sister, and my Antionne-cousin-]
[AND me :D]
Yeap...I'll be back to my venting post...Don’t fret. Until next time though...Toodles!
Monday, November 9
Yesterday...
Yo.
Welcome to all my lovely new followers. Because I'm not really in the mood to talk shit today, I'll post a poem written by yours truly.!
[..Yesterday..]
"Im done."
...With?
"You."
Simple.
As simple as it gets.
...still my mind rushed to bring meaning to these words.
My heart paused...paused because I knew exactly what it meant.
The simplest way to break up with someone...I knew that it was over.
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
I wake up this morning yearning to talk to you,to tell you how far I've come.
To brag...to prove...
but there is nothing to prove.
I wish I could tell you that I've moved on.
I wish I could tell you that I was happy...as you.
Yeah...Ive grown,
Yeah...I'm more mature,
Yeah...I've done all this great shit mentally because of our outcome
...But emotionally?...Emotionally its still yesterday.
I wish yesterday would stop being today.
Simply put I miss you.
I know that this is best...but still I miss you.
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
...too scared to try again, too scared to love?
am i supposed to resent those who try?
am i supposed to...still love you?
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
Yea, i wrote this after the whole "It's been a year" post. [If you missed it, check it out ---> *HERE*]. Don't worry I'll be back to my shit talkin self soon! Until next time...Toodles!
Welcome to all my lovely new followers. Because I'm not really in the mood to talk shit today, I'll post a poem written by yours truly.!
[..Yesterday..]
"Im done."
...With?
"You."
Simple.
As simple as it gets.
...still my mind rushed to bring meaning to these words.
My heart paused...paused because I knew exactly what it meant.
The simplest way to break up with someone...I knew that it was over.
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
I wake up this morning yearning to talk to you,to tell you how far I've come.
To brag...to prove...
but there is nothing to prove.
I wish I could tell you that I've moved on.
I wish I could tell you that I was happy...as you.
Yeah...Ive grown,
Yeah...I'm more mature,
Yeah...I've done all this great shit mentally because of our outcome
...But emotionally?...Emotionally its still yesterday.
I wish yesterday would stop being today.
Simply put I miss you.
I know that this is best...but still I miss you.
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
...too scared to try again, too scared to love?
am i supposed to resent those who try?
am i supposed to...still love you?
It feels like yesterday...it's been a year, but still everyday feels like yesterday.
...with everyday being yesterday, have I really moved on?
...
Thursday, October 29
You want to be a sideline?!,...um excuse me?
Yo.
This week just started bad all together. But today, today has been a MUCH better day! Yes! Anywho, tonight I would like to discuss girls who FUCK with dudes that have girlfriends. [If you’re one of THOSE girls you might want to stop reading---this post is not meant to offend ANYONE, but if it does...so be it!] So you've been warned...!
Todays Topic: Being one of THOSE girls...
So what is the beauty in being one of THOSE hoes...excuse me, one of those girls! What is so glamorous about being the other girl? In my opinion there is nothing glamorous about it...at all. So why do sooo many women put themselves in this situation? I think that it's just a way of letting guys get away with being triflin'. In those girls minds they think the male cares more about them than they do their current girlfriends. When in all reality their there for pussy. Their fucking guys knowing that they have girlfriends that they care about...and shit to them that’s the best of both worlds. I mean can you blame them for taking the opportunity. They have convenient pussy [THOSE girls] and they have the girl they want to talk to, be with, sex, love, and vibe with on that level. Because THOSE girls can’t really trip when he says he's on the phone with his girl, or that he's out with her...or when he doesn’t respond or acknowledge them in public when their together. Smh.
So where are the positives in this situation? If the man cared about them that much he would leave his girl as soon as he developed those feelings...right? But instead he's claiming to the world that he loves this certain girl he's with...and where are THOSE girls? In the background...of no importance! Now some do it because they LOVE these guys. This is even worse. Every woman deserves better than being a sideline. Clearly they are the other girl because they didn’t quite meet the requirements to be his girl...meaning they weren’t good enough. It makes me sooo mad to see stuff like this. I think it’s silly and I always wonder what goes through their minds. Knowing that what they have has to stay hidden, never public. [Its some guys who make their sideline public...and to me that just means they aint worth shit. Just triflin’ all the way around because it means they don’t care enough about neither...] and to those who just get pleasure out of being the other girls...I find that just triflin’. Not because it can, mess up a relationship but because the only reason THOSE girls get involved is because knowing that he has a girlfriend brings them pure pleasure...not pain like those girls who fall in love while being a sideline. These girls find pleasure because “the fact that she don't know...it really turns me on." - TLC. That "ahah, I got yo man" type bullshit. Craziness if you ask me. Pure craziness.
Now...I’m not perfect, I've messed with one guy who has had a girlfriend. But at the time I had a boyfriend as well. He had a girl; I had a man. My man was clingy as hell...and I was bored with him. [Which means I should have broken up with him...but I was childish then.] But this situation is different from the one's I've discussed above. We both had someone more important, we were both each other’s sidelines. The only reason this is different is because...well if shit popped off-as in if things went public- we would both have something to lose. Someone to lose. Which is a much better position to be in. It means the both of us were going to stay in line. And honestly I didn’t even like dude, we had a few conversations and kissed once or twice, but I wasn’t even slightly attracted to him. Just did it for the thrill, just to make my life a little more interesting! I know...I was childish, so sue me. So if you HAVE to have an affair with a married man or happen to fuck with a guy with a girlfriend...make sure the both of you have something of importance to lose if the situation every gets crazy!
To all those girls who are just sidelines....you deserve better. You ARE better. Don't put yourself in a situation for settling to be a sideline because you have feelings for a guy. Because if he had those same feelings you would be his girl...Point Blank Period. You’re disrespecting yourselves by settling. There are better men, one's that would never deal with making you a sideline because they know your worth! So...learn your worth! Ok, enough venting for tonight...until next time ........
Toodles!
This week just started bad all together. But today, today has been a MUCH better day! Yes! Anywho, tonight I would like to discuss girls who FUCK with dudes that have girlfriends. [If you’re one of THOSE girls you might want to stop reading---this post is not meant to offend ANYONE, but if it does...so be it!] So you've been warned...!
Todays Topic: Being one of THOSE girls...
So where are the positives in this situation? If the man cared about them that much he would leave his girl as soon as he developed those feelings...right? But instead he's claiming to the world that he loves this certain girl he's with...and where are THOSE girls? In the background...of no importance! Now some do it because they LOVE these guys. This is even worse. Every woman deserves better than being a sideline. Clearly they are the other girl because they didn’t quite meet the requirements to be his girl...meaning they weren’t good enough. It makes me sooo mad to see stuff like this. I think it’s silly and I always wonder what goes through their minds. Knowing that what they have has to stay hidden, never public. [Its some guys who make their sideline public...and to me that just means they aint worth shit. Just triflin’ all the way around because it means they don’t care enough about neither...] and to those who just get pleasure out of being the other girls...I find that just triflin’. Not because it can, mess up a relationship but because the only reason THOSE girls get involved is because knowing that he has a girlfriend brings them pure pleasure...not pain like those girls who fall in love while being a sideline. These girls find pleasure because “the fact that she don't know...it really turns me on." - TLC. That "ahah, I got yo man" type bullshit. Craziness if you ask me. Pure craziness.
Now...I’m not perfect, I've messed with one guy who has had a girlfriend. But at the time I had a boyfriend as well. He had a girl; I had a man. My man was clingy as hell...and I was bored with him. [Which means I should have broken up with him...but I was childish then.] But this situation is different from the one's I've discussed above. We both had someone more important, we were both each other’s sidelines. The only reason this is different is because...well if shit popped off-as in if things went public- we would both have something to lose. Someone to lose. Which is a much better position to be in. It means the both of us were going to stay in line. And honestly I didn’t even like dude, we had a few conversations and kissed once or twice, but I wasn’t even slightly attracted to him. Just did it for the thrill, just to make my life a little more interesting! I know...I was childish, so sue me. So if you HAVE to have an affair with a married man or happen to fuck with a guy with a girlfriend...make sure the both of you have something of importance to lose if the situation every gets crazy!
To all those girls who are just sidelines....you deserve better. You ARE better. Don't put yourself in a situation for settling to be a sideline because you have feelings for a guy. Because if he had those same feelings you would be his girl...Point Blank Period. You’re disrespecting yourselves by settling. There are better men, one's that would never deal with making you a sideline because they know your worth! So...learn your worth! Ok, enough venting for tonight...until next time ........
Toodles!
Sunday, October 25
It's been a year :(
Yo.
Today is October 25, 2009. Exactly one year ago the love of my life [K.J] broke up with me. Yes this post might be a downer, but I write about what's on my mind. And this I NEED to write. All month I've been dreading this day, wondering how I would react...wondering would I cry. Wondering how far I've come...wondering so many things that should be far from my mind. I don’t like talking to people about him, because I know that by now I should have BEEN moved on. I know that...I’m stupid. The saddest part is probably how we broke up. How can you break up with someone you claim to love so much through a text message...and when they call to ask what the fuck is going on you don’t even have the decency to answer the phone?! Besides that, this post is to evaluate how far I've really come. So I guess I have to ask myself some questions. [How often do you think about him?]-*sigh* Every day, every single fucking day. [What do you think about?]*sigh* How much I miss him, how much he meant to me...how happy he made me, how i hope that he's ok.[Do you still cry over him?]*sigh* Sort of like I am now? Every once in a while I can’t help the tears. [Do you want him back?]...my heart says yes, but my mind says to answer NO. [Are you ok with how ya'll are?] Yes, I’m OK with not speaking with him. Yes I'm OK with not seeing him, Yes I'm OK. [Are you happy that he has moved on?] No. No I am not happy that he has moved on. BUT I am happy that he found HER. I am happy that he is in HER life...I am happy that he is happy! And yes that is the truth. This blog is no place for sugar-coating. I honestly believe that AT THIS TIME she might be a better girlfriend than I am. Yeah, and I never admit shit like that. So add up all the sadness with my happiness and you get content. So I’m content on how things happened. I have grown from it, and learned so much from him. Things that I didn’t know about me. I could sit here and verbally reminisce through our whole relationship, tell exactly what I love, what I didn’t love as much, and what went wrong on both behalves...but it would take a century...and leave me steps behind. You know i still have his text messages in my phone?! All of them...secretly saved in my drafts. Before the end of the day I hope I have the strength to delete them. He is not mine anymore, no point of hanging on to the "thinking about you's", the "missing you's", the "I love you's", or the "I love you mores’". No point in holding on so tightly to a past that has fought so hard to get away.
Simply, I miss him. Everything about him...no matter what anyone says he is a great person. Even if he is childish, a cheater, shallow or anything else everyone else wants to call him. Every now and then I feel the need to call/txt him...just to see how he is. To make sure he is ok. I've never been the type to be stuck on someone. After relationships end usually I have a list of new prospects by the next week. And with him...I can honestly say he was different...but in an all too similar way. His laughter haunts me, random images of him, his smiles, his phrases...they all follow me. Why is it so hard to escape this feeling?!.Compared to others it feels like my first time falling in love. Although I know this isn’t the case. Why am I so scared to try again?! Because I fell TOO hard, and it seems impossible to get back to where I was before him. IMPOSSIBLE.
So to what used to be MY Mr. Jones...I still love you, BUT I am truly happy to see you happy with HER. And to the new Mrs., Make sure you take care of him. Make sure that you don’t hurt him...Make sure that you love him as I loved him, Make sure he stays happy!
[TO MY READERS: I'm sorry. I will try to avoid the depressing shit...but this I couldn’t help....so until next time...TOODLES! ]
Simply, I miss him. Everything about him...no matter what anyone says he is a great person. Even if he is childish, a cheater, shallow or anything else everyone else wants to call him. Every now and then I feel the need to call/txt him...just to see how he is. To make sure he is ok. I've never been the type to be stuck on someone. After relationships end usually I have a list of new prospects by the next week. And with him...I can honestly say he was different...but in an all too similar way. His laughter haunts me, random images of him, his smiles, his phrases...they all follow me. Why is it so hard to escape this feeling?!.Compared to others it feels like my first time falling in love. Although I know this isn’t the case. Why am I so scared to try again?! Because I fell TOO hard, and it seems impossible to get back to where I was before him. IMPOSSIBLE.
So to what used to be MY Mr. Jones...I still love you, BUT I am truly happy to see you happy with HER. And to the new Mrs., Make sure you take care of him. Make sure that you don’t hurt him...Make sure that you love him as I loved him, Make sure he stays happy!
[TO MY READERS: I'm sorry. I will try to avoid the depressing shit...but this I couldn’t help....so until next time...TOODLES! ]
Friday, October 2
Cheating in Relationships
Yo!
Today’s topic: Relationships...Mostly cheating
![Image]()
Someone once said to me “What is the difference between marriage and being in a relationship with someone?" And of course I tried to give him a decent answer....but in all honesty my mind drew a blank. So I came back with “Marriage is a deeper bond, it requires excepting someone forever...and them being the only one in your life until the end of time, always and forever." He says “Ok. So what's the difference? In a love relationship you’re "supposed" to be faithful, you would do everything you do in a marriage that you would do if you were really serious with this person relationship wise. The only legit reason you should give me is that you’re "supposed" to do it... That it’s right by God." And because I'm stubborn I still tried to argue my side, although he had put me completely on hush mouth. Sadly, my main reason was that in a marriage you wouldn't cheat that that is the point in life when you have finally decided that you could be happy with that person and that person only. So my question is what have relationships come to these days?![Feel free to leave a comment telling me the difference between serious relationships & marriage...besides the obvious bible factors :)]
![Image]()
In a lot of younger peoples relationships today, sex seems to be a huge issue. Whether you’re getting it, from who, how you’re getting it, where you’re getting it, who’s getting it, who has gotten it before you...., it seems to be a huge aspect in relationships. Thus cheating becomes an even bigger issue. Yes, cheating...that horrible topic that everyone likes to tiptoe around. I hear so many people saying that their boyfriend/girlfriend would never cheat on them because they are providing everything they need. But still people cheat. When girls cheat on a guy there always has to be a reason right? It’s not like guys...because guys just do it for the thrill of new pussy sometimes but when a girl cheats there has to be something deeper...right? Wrong. I know a lot of guys who are strong believers of that. strong believers that if a girl cheats she’s doing it for revenge, or because she's not interested in what she has there, or simply because her boyfriend has done something to seriously piss her off and she found comfort in this guys dick that she's now riding. But I've been there done that and I know from personal experience that it does not necessarily have to be a reason for a girl to cheat. It could simply be because she was horny one night...and she needed convenient dick. But when a girl says something like that it automatically makes her a whore. Someone once told me “It is not in a woman’s nature to cheat, it is not instilled in them. When we [guys] do it...it’s expected but for a woman it is out of character. Therefore it is whorish." People always ask is it possible to love someone but cheat on them. & yes it is. It is very possible. I hate the whole double standard stuff when it comes to guys and girls. I hate that guys can get away with so much. Giving an example from personal experiences: A guy from my past broke up with me saying that I had changed and blah blah blah. But to me it was random and unexpected...so the reason he gave me was completely bogus. & after talking about it later he admitted that we broke up because he had been cheating and it was bothering him to keep it from me...and that he loved me and just didn’t want to hurt me. I actually was a bit relieved behind the real reason we broke up and I was willing to stick by his side since he had decided to be honest with me...! But since he was honest I decided that I could tell him about the one incident in my whole life when I had become very weak and cheated. I told him expecting him to be mad...but to be willing to work through it just as I was willing to work with him...but of course it didn’t quite go that way. I had never loved that hard...ever, but still I found a way to cheat. Til this day I beat myself up about the whole incident...and think maybe if I wouldn’t have cheated we would still be together, but he would still be cheating. It wouldn’t have changed the fact that he had cheated on me numerous amounts of time...and that he COULDNT be faithful. It wouldn’t change that no matter what. So why is it so hard to be faithful, why is it so easy to cheat? In my opinion cheating is for those who lack self control, and yes that includes me. At the time when I had cheated I lacked self control...I just wanted what I knew would feel good... [Which by the way was far from it : /] & since then I made it a priority to have self-control. And believe me when I say I have come a long way & will never cheat again. That feeling of deception afterwards damn near killed me!
All they guys I've dated are completely different guys but at my age I never expect ANY of them to be completely faithful. How sad is that? How sad is it that girls constantly fall in love with these guys and when they cheat on them...they already expected it in the back of their minds. And no matter what it all ends the same way. Some people reading this are probably thinking it’s the guys you chose to be with, but even the ones I’m just close friends with, the ones I would never expect to cheat....still find away to amaze me. People in general cheat...even the most naive girls and the sweetest guys. People cheat...but why have I come so fond of it. Why do I now expect it to happen?! Hmm, maybe someone could give me some feedback to open my eyes! Give me your opinion on cheating...relationships...or just anything you think would make an interesting topic for a new discussion! I love feedback...so share your thoughts :)! So until tomorrow
.....Toodles.
Today’s topic: Relationships...Mostly cheating
In a lot of younger peoples relationships today, sex seems to be a huge issue. Whether you’re getting it, from who, how you’re getting it, where you’re getting it, who’s getting it, who has gotten it before you...., it seems to be a huge aspect in relationships. Thus cheating becomes an even bigger issue. Yes, cheating...that horrible topic that everyone likes to tiptoe around. I hear so many people saying that their boyfriend/girlfriend would never cheat on them because they are providing everything they need. But still people cheat. When girls cheat on a guy there always has to be a reason right? It’s not like guys...because guys just do it for the thrill of new pussy sometimes but when a girl cheats there has to be something deeper...right? Wrong. I know a lot of guys who are strong believers of that. strong believers that if a girl cheats she’s doing it for revenge, or because she's not interested in what she has there, or simply because her boyfriend has done something to seriously piss her off and she found comfort in this guys dick that she's now riding. But I've been there done that and I know from personal experience that it does not necessarily have to be a reason for a girl to cheat. It could simply be because she was horny one night...and she needed convenient dick. But when a girl says something like that it automatically makes her a whore. Someone once told me “It is not in a woman’s nature to cheat, it is not instilled in them. When we [guys] do it...it’s expected but for a woman it is out of character. Therefore it is whorish." People always ask is it possible to love someone but cheat on them. & yes it is. It is very possible. I hate the whole double standard stuff when it comes to guys and girls. I hate that guys can get away with so much. Giving an example from personal experiences: A guy from my past broke up with me saying that I had changed and blah blah blah. But to me it was random and unexpected...so the reason he gave me was completely bogus. & after talking about it later he admitted that we broke up because he had been cheating and it was bothering him to keep it from me...and that he loved me and just didn’t want to hurt me. I actually was a bit relieved behind the real reason we broke up and I was willing to stick by his side since he had decided to be honest with me...! But since he was honest I decided that I could tell him about the one incident in my whole life when I had become very weak and cheated. I told him expecting him to be mad...but to be willing to work through it just as I was willing to work with him...but of course it didn’t quite go that way. I had never loved that hard...ever, but still I found a way to cheat. Til this day I beat myself up about the whole incident...and think maybe if I wouldn’t have cheated we would still be together, but he would still be cheating. It wouldn’t have changed the fact that he had cheated on me numerous amounts of time...and that he COULDNT be faithful. It wouldn’t change that no matter what. So why is it so hard to be faithful, why is it so easy to cheat? In my opinion cheating is for those who lack self control, and yes that includes me. At the time when I had cheated I lacked self control...I just wanted what I knew would feel good... [Which by the way was far from it : /] & since then I made it a priority to have self-control. And believe me when I say I have come a long way & will never cheat again. That feeling of deception afterwards damn near killed me!
All they guys I've dated are completely different guys but at my age I never expect ANY of them to be completely faithful. How sad is that? How sad is it that girls constantly fall in love with these guys and when they cheat on them...they already expected it in the back of their minds. And no matter what it all ends the same way. Some people reading this are probably thinking it’s the guys you chose to be with, but even the ones I’m just close friends with, the ones I would never expect to cheat....still find away to amaze me. People in general cheat...even the most naive girls and the sweetest guys. People cheat...but why have I come so fond of it. Why do I now expect it to happen?! Hmm, maybe someone could give me some feedback to open my eyes! Give me your opinion on cheating...relationships...or just anything you think would make an interesting topic for a new discussion! I love feedback...so share your thoughts :)! So until tomorrow
.....Toodles.
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