Whirlwind

Whew. Where do I even begin. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind. We moved to Raleigh almost a month ago, and I don't think I've actually been here for a consecutive week yet. It's been crazy.

The dynamics of transition, leaving, and grieving are funny things. Last weekend I took a quick last minute flight back to Nashville to take care of some final things at the house there. As I left after an emotional and stressful weekend {that involved spending half of the day on Saturday dealing with almost being scammed selling something on craig's list}, I realized what the uneasiness and pit in my stomach was from.

In 6 months I've left 2 places that I love. As you know, leaving East Asia was so hard and emotional, and left a feeling that I can only describe as an emptiness in my heart. There have been many facets to that emotion from missing relationships & a place that grew in my heart and held so much meaning, to a realization that life goes on after you leave & not knowing where you now fit.

I knew I still missed EA, but it wasn't until this weekend that I realized the process of walking through all of that isn't over. The hardest part though, was realizing that I was now going through that same process at the same time with Nashville as well. And that strange feeling I can only describe as a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach is suddenly doubled. It's funny, the whole stupid craig's list thing left me feeling vulnerable & humiliated, that comes when you feel like you've been taken advantage of.... which was a catalyst for realizing everything else. I'd been doing a seemingly good job of stuffing everything, and it just took something unsettling to bring it all to the surface.

I'm so tired of transition. I want a break, and honestly I felt like once I left Nashville it would be over. Silly me. The whole "transitioning to something new" element hadn't crossed my mind. So now I deal with transition on more levels that I feel like own my own I can handle....

.....away from a place on the other side of the world that had burned a place in my heart that I really didn't want to leave, away from people & a culture that I love in a completely unique way, away from a completely different way of life that I'd grown really accustomed to, away from a place of monumental growth & development both individually & in my marriage, back to America & a culture that is familiar yet so foreign, back to our old house, back to wonderful old relationships I'd missed, while dealing with the beginning of missing new ones, back to meeting with doctors regularly & dealing with ongoing health issues, back to life in Nashville just long enough to settle in again....

And the next thing I know, I'm leaving there, clearly according to the Lord's timing. I didn't grieve leaving Nashville in this way when we went to EA because it didn't seem so permanent. It was still our "home base." We didn't sell our house & we came back to it just how we'd left it. It was also like we hadn't left & the last 2 years were an amazing crazy dream. When we left Nashville with the moving truck in November, I had been going non-stop getting ready to leave, I didn't give myself any room to process or grieve. Getting "gone" was going to be a relief from the stress of moving. It wasn't until we took one last walk through the house that I realized what we were leaving there.

That quote, "Home is wherever I'm with you," that's how I feel, but I will say our marriage was built in that home. We went through A LOT in those first 3 years there, and grew so much together. Around 6 that night after the truck left, we finally got everything done and hit the road to drive halfway & stay the night at my mom's. We locked the door, hugged in the yard and the tears started welling. Adam got in his car and I got in mine, and I burst into tears.

I had to pray that the Lord would make me engage with my emotions & allow Him to meet me there. From my house until I passed the airport on i-40 I sobbed and thanked Him for so many things: for all He'd done in our marriage there, for allowing me to live in the same city as my family & Eve, my lifelong very best friend. For our time at Vandy, as hard and as wonderful it was. For Beth, Betsy & Ashley on my team there who have been monumental to my growth. For the relationships I'd developed there. For Catherine & Marissa whose friendships have come to mean so much to me. For Anna my EA kindered spirit & the ways she's spurred me on on both sides of the world. For the time I got to live there in a different season with Jamie & Erica, my best friends from college & high school. And for so many other people who have been so special to me, and so, so, so much more.

Once outside of Nashville, tiredness hit me and my focus turned to staying awake for 4 hours. The madness only picked back up when the moving truck pulled back up to our new house. We left for a conference a few days later, and I feel like have been on the road off and on since then. I hadn't given myself much time to really think about any of it since. Last Sunday afternoon as the plane left Nashville I fought the tears hard, and did everything I could to distract myself.

And here I am back in Raleigh. Hear me when I say, I really like Raleigh & I'm really excited to be here. The pain of leaving the other 2 places I love doesn't take away from that. That's what makes it hard- there are 3 places I want to be, and I'm forced to grieve the loss of 2 of those.

And now I enter the "transition to" process.... to a new city that I don't know, a new house, looking for a new church, new opportunities for community, a new job sitting at a desk all that that it a huge adjustment, new doctors & looking ahead to a daunting process of dealing with fertility issues, among many other things.

There are moments when I think "I HATE TRANSITION!" But I know that it's all a gift. It's all grace, in that I have the privilege of walking with & depending on the Lord in new & different ways that are for my good & His glory. I don't want to miss out on this season for that reason.

I do feel hopeful & expectant. I am hanging in there. I don't feel despondent, and I don't feel paralyzed. Praise the Lord. As I've said, I can't walk through this on my own. But by His grace & through His strength, we're making it. I'm eager to see what He has in store for us here.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening :) I needed this to process more than anything else. It's a good reminder of why I even have a blog.

He is good. I am grateful.

From Our Little Corner of the World

I thought I'd give a plain ole life update since there's lots going on in the Strouth house. LOTS.

We've been back in America for 3+ months.... and some days it seems a lot longer, some days shorter. We have gradually eased our way back into life here... some days better than others. Some days we are okay here, some days we wish we were on the other side of the world BUT we're making it, and still confident that we are right where the Lord has us.

So what have we been up to?

July was full of reconnecting with people and adjusting back to life here. And is now kind of a blur. In the midst of being bogged down by a TON of house stuff here, we've asked several times, "Why didn't we do this earlier? Like in July when we had lots of free time?" And it's in those moments we have to remember to give ourselves a lot of grace because we were just doing what we could at the time, and enjoyed great time with loved ones.

As soon as we got back we celebrated the 4th. Within the first week we were back, my mom & dad both came to visit, and my mom returned Lucy to us. Now it's like we were never actually apart.

Then a few weeks later my dear friend Julianna came to visit from North Carolina. We had a blast, as always.

Then Adam's brother & sister in law flew in, with our cute Nephew and we all drove to Kentucky for Kelly's wedding.

He's gotten SO big over the last year! He loves his gifts from EA- KungFu jammies & bug crocs! 

We went by campus to drive by our old houses and walk around, which I hadn't done since we graduated.

From there we went to Ohio to spend a week with Adam's family.

We went to the Columbus zoo for Adam's birthday. Austin loves animals & was fearless in the petting zoo.

Oh and in the midst of that, the Olympics started, and they consumed my life for those 2 weeks. I lovelovelove the olympics. Fun fact, I was there, in the arena when the magnificent 7 won the gold in 1996... when Kerri Strug landed that vault on a hurt ankle to clinch the gold for the women. The women winning the gold again was pretty exciting.

Sometime during August, we started our new jobs, working "remotely." HUGE adjustment. So thankful to work with people who prioritize giving grace above all else. Towards the end of the month,  we went to North Carolina, but on the way stopped in JC for a few days, where I got some great quality time with old friends. Once in NC, we started working in our new office, and looked at a lot of houses all over the Triangle area.

We found one that we liked, in an area that we REALLY like, and hopefully in a couple of weeks it will officially be ours! So we came back from North Carolina, jumped back into the swing of things here working "remotely" and got to work on our house. We went to Kentucky in there somewhere to a friend's wedding 

The last couple of weeks have been CRAZY! But we have survived.

We have been working hard on getting our house ready to go on the market.... doing lots of things that we are asking ourselves, "Why didn't we do this 5 years ago!?" Beats me. Hopefully we wont make those oversights next time. We are pretty much DONE {updated since starting this post!}, and after deep cleaning & "staging" it over the next last 2 days, it will hopefully go is on the market! 

So the ball is really rolling to officially get us moved to North Carolina. Bittersweet to say the least. Excited to be on a yet another new adventure, but really sad to leave this city and people here that we so love! 

So in a nutshell, that's where we've been. The last 2 months are really jumbled in there, but that's how they look in my brain too. Transition is hard & refining. One of the many lessons I'm learning. 

Okay, that's all for now. More soon, when the madness subsides! 

Love Story: Part 2

In part 1, I explained where I'd been & where my heart was during the season of life when I met Adam. Well let's back up.... before I was even to that place of commitment, I had an unwanted encounter. 

I didn't know anyone going to UK when I went, but you know how when you get to college & you just hang out with the few people you know from high school for the first few weeks? Well Adam is from Ohio, so there were just a handful of people he graduated with at UK, and a few of them lived in my dorm. We lived in a 23 story tower, and I happened to live on the 22nd floor, around the corner from a girl he graduated with. Adam was..... let's just say, not in the same that I was spiritually. He was a faithful church goer up until the day he left for college, but he wasn't really sure what he believed & college was, well college for him. So that's where his heart was. 

One night, during the first few weeks of school, I had tucked myself in nice and early for an 8am class. Sometime around 3 am, my roommate and I woke up to doors slamming in the hall, girls erupting  in little girlish screams, and footsteps running up and down the halls. We both sighed and fidgeted, tossed & turned, as we tried to fall back asleep. My eyes had just shut when I was abruptly awoken to a door slamming against the wall outside of my door and a girl screaming, "I FREAKING HATE YOU!!!" but she didn't say freaking... she said another f word. That was it. I had HAD ENOUGH, and someone was getting an earful. 

So i flung my covers off, marched to the door, and flung it open. I didn't care who I encountered there, but I was putting an end to the madness. I assumed the screaming girl would be on the receiving end, but no... there was a WIDE eyed young looking boy standing there like a deer caught in the headlights with an empty cup in one hand and a squirt gun in the other. 

I can only imagine the look on my face when I sternly decreed, "I don't know who you are, or where you came from, and I DON'T CARE! But I suggest you return there because it is 3 am on a weeknight and some of us have class at 8 in the morning!!!" And I slammed the door in the terrified boy's face.

Now I have to say, this is so unbelievably uncharacteristic of me, but it was 3 am on a week night, and don't things always seem 50 times more dramatic in the middle of the night? And anyone who knows me knows that I am not a pleasant person when awoken. And I'm not half as gutsy as I was 10 years ago. 

So what had happened? This guy had been drinking (yes at like 2 am on a Tuesday night) with friends of his from high school, and a few other girls on our floor. At some point, a water fight broke out & spilled out into the hallways... hence the girly screaming, running, and slamming doors. The 22nd floor was the last floor that anyone lived on & the elevators went to, and the 23rd was a big open study room. The door up to the 23rd floor was directly across from mine and was one of those big heavy push the bar to make it open doors. Their water fight had made it's way up to the 23rd floor and this screaming girl was running for cover down the staircase. As she hit the door at full speed, she got a cup full of water thrown on her, by who else, but young looking guy. She ran off & he chased her, reaching my door as I threw it open. 

He claims I said something about crawling back into your hole, but who was the sober one who clearly remembers the story? And please, I'd never say something THAT ridiculous. He ran off to warn the others about the crazy screaming girl. I shut my door, climbed back in bed, went back to sleep with peace & quiet. I woke up the next morning, went off to my 8am class, and didn't really think much of it. I don't think I'd even recognized the boy with an earful of my sass if I passed him on campus. 

And THAT was the first time I laid eyes on the guy who I would some day marry. So how in the world did we get from a late night unwanted encounter to the alter? You'll just have to wait and see. 

And just to prove that he looked so stinkin young.....

World's Best Cookies

I have long planned to do a post on all of the things I've made/ idea's I've implemented that I found on pinterest. However, these cookies deserve their own time in the spotlight. They are absolutely my new favorites. S'more cookies. SO GOOD. 

There are a few recipes for these out there, but I like this one from The Girl Who Ate Everything the best. She added a little bit of cinnamon that make the flavor just right. It's a wonderful gooey chocolate chip cookie with the taste of s'mores. 

The first time I tried to make them it was an epic fail.... because I didn't have graham crackers. They are crucial. Otherwise, the marshmallows fall through and stick to the pan. They are a little less dense than normal chocolate chops, so they need something to melt into. 

They have chocolate chips in them, but with 5 minutes left to bake, you add Hershey's bars. 

Perfection. I highly recommend trying these babies. In my opinion, they are even better the next day once they've hardened a bit. I've made them 3 times so far, and will surely be making lots more in the future. 

Thank you Pinterest for providing a world of inspiration for wonderful things. 

Here is the link to my sweets & such board on Pinterest. There are almost 200 recipes for yummy sweet things, most that I'd never thought of before. Enjoy! 

AiYi's Village

One of the people I mentioned that I really missed is my sweet AiYi 

{which means auntie}. 

This sweet woman came to our house in EA 2 days a week for a couple hours to help me.... and trust me, I needed the help. She'd do anything from help me clean & do odd things around the house to help me wash & cut veggies and prepare my meals (an undertaking when you live in a developing country with really bad water that has stuff in it that needs "killing" before it can be consumed), but more than anything else she brought a little spark of joy to my life. 

She makes me look ginormous, & Adam even larger but at 4'9" and all of 92 lbs (she got on my scale one day and asked, "What does this mean!?" and I said, "THAT YOU ARE TINY!!!") she has more strength & energy to put the both of us to shame. This woman works HARD. Coming to help me & another woman was just what she did on the side; she & her husband are farmers who work hard to farm this land......

During planting & harvest she would spend days bent over planting & picking, working the land. 

These are "You Hua" the flowers that produce rapeseed oil. They beautifully covered every inch of land where we lived in the spring. They also grow corn & a few other crops.

Last spring she invited us to come out to her house during Tomb Sweeping Festival. We were so excited. We had a driver take us 45 minutes outside of our little town to her village. 

This is the entrance to their compound. This house in the front is the neighbors, but theirs is built similarly, just a little older. Most homes like these have multiple people or familiies living in the, each with a different section of the upstairs that has been finished, and everyone shares an unfinished downstairs.  

She told us that when she had her first baby, that they lived in this hut.... with her husband's parents, sister, brother, and brother's wife. Her water buffalo lives in it now and the floor is covered in poo, but I could still envision what that must have been like, with a new born baby 20 years ago. 

This is still their bathroom. A little outhouse with a squatty potty with no plumbing hooked up, just a hill for everything to run down. 

They don't have running water inside, just this spigot outside that they fill buckets with.  

This is her kitchen in the unfinished downstairs of her house. She has a small fridge in another room, but this is it for the kitchen. A few pieces of secondhand furniture to store things & serve as counter tops. 

She cooks on a little hot plate that gets the job done. 

Being at their house made me re-think poverty & wealth. For all of you reading this, it would seem like they live in poverty, with no indoor plumbing & an outhouse but I would challenge that thinking {as I'm challenging my own}. They have everything that they need. It is lavish by no means, but sufficient. And they are HAPPY.

They have a few outfits, and many second hand things like furniture & a TV that they are so thankful for & don't take for granted. They haven't been bogged down by stuff & a desire to be constantly seeking more. As farmers, they have worked SO hard for all of the things that they have & to get where they are. 

I pray that they would one day find the only TRUE source of satisfaction for their souls. I am thankful that they haven't been blinded by greed & that evidences of their creator are all over their lives.

 They aren't like many EA-ian couples who are satisfied with putting up with each other. For many, getting ahead is the most important thing in their lives, not their marriages & families. You can see the my AiYi & her husband aren't like them. He is a sweet & gentle man with a huge smile. 

Back to our visit....

She was happy to cook for us.... and was obviously so thoughtful about the process. Most people when they have you in their homes cook the local specialties, that many foreigners wouldn't find super appealing. That's what I was expecting. But she went to the market and bought vegetables that she knew I liked... not because she asked & I told her, but based solely on what she has helped me wash & prep at my house {for western food}.

She knows I like Celery, cauliflower, & peas. And let me tell you, I can guarantee you that she forced herself to endure those 3 dishes that were pretty bland in their book {albeit DELICIOUS for me} instead of the other way around- when foreigners endure eating the delicacies to be polite. I couldn't get over the fact that she did this for us {well, really for me... Adam LOVES spicy stuff}. She made the LaZiJi, the super spicy chicken dish, at the last minute because Adam told her he loved spice.  

After we ate we took a little tour of the rest of their house and land. 

We met her pets. 

This is her water buffalo, who doesn't have a name, who was pregnant at the time & had a little water buffalo baby in July! I asked her, "What's her name!?" and she said, "Name? It doesn't have a name, it's a water buffalo." We had the same conversation about the dogs & chickens. "So what do you say when you want the dogs to come to you?" "Dog, come" "But then they all come, how do they know which one you want?" She just laughed and shook her head. She knows all about my Lucy, and probably thinks we're nuts for treating her like a member of our family. 

We walked through one of their fields

This is an alter in one of the downstairs rooms where her mother in law places things to worship their ancestors. 

AiYi makes amazing tapestries and was working on this horse one at the time. She also makes beautiful minority needlework as well. So talented.

Right before we left, her mother in law, sister in law, & niece came home. I was so excited to meet them. I had to beg her mother in law to take a picture with me. You can see how much life she has lived by the lines on her face. I always wonder what people in her generation & demographic have seen & endured. She is around my dad's age, but looks so much older.  

She spends her days picking tea leaves with other women like these. 

The next time you have a cup of green tea, you can think about this beautiful woman picking the leaves on the other side of the world. 

We took a long stroll back through the village to try to catch a bus back to our town. 

As we walked, we saw many different aspects of village life. 

Because it was a holiday, everyone's families had gathered to eat together. 

We were a sight to see- foreigners in the remote village isn't something you see everyday. 

She told us that when she walked back to her house after she left us, people were asking her all kinds of questions, even if she worked for a foreign company. 

There were lots of water buffalo everywhere- naturally as everyone farms. It'd be like a farmer in America having a combine & a tractor. 

Some houses were nicer than others...

but many old architectural elements were still around. 

We made a little pit stop at the public restrooms. 

And were on our way, back to "big city living".... hardly, but it's all relative. 

I'm thankful to have had the privilege of going places like this & meet wonderful people like these. 

I'm still pondering the whole poverty & wealth thing, and maybe I'm off, 

But my gosh do I miss this sweet woman....  I miss her big smile & laugh and that loud, "AHHH NI HAAOOOO!!!" when she walks in our front door... all 4'9" 92lbs. of her. I didn't know so much life, love & hard work could come out of such a wee little thing. And I never fathomed when I met her that I'd miss her as much as I do. She didn't understand why I cried when I told her bye, and she'll never know how much of a blessing it was for me to have known her. I think of her often.