SO where do I start. With a major life update. How does that sound?
"Look at the birds of the air' they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin." Matthew 6:26&28b
Clearly it had been a long, hard season. I implied it from time to time, but never came out and talked about what was going on. So here goes.... For the longest time I have longed to be a mom. I've always loved babies and kids. I started babysitting when I was really young. I remember being 13 and rocking a baby I watched regularly to sleep thinking, "One day when I'm a mom, I can't wait to do this with my own baby." It has always been something I've looked forward to. At the same time, I have always had issues with my endocrine system and knew deep down that I'd have problems with my reproductive system when the time came. The last several years have been a roller coaster of health issues that go even beyond those issues but definitely have a significant impact on this area of my life. So that's where a lot of the pain and frustration has come from. Dealing with all of these problems. And waiting.
For the longest time being a mom has seemed so far fetched, so many steps away with too many hurdles to jump over to ever get there. I've watched people seemingly cough, blink, and sneeze and get pregnant and been perplexed. I've struggled to not feel defective. Struggled to not feel like an insignificant woman.
For years I've continued to see doctors and specialists who have worked together to help me move forward towards progress and healing in many areas. Sometimes I forget how great of a gift from God these people have been, but I can look back and see exactly how He used them in my life. Often it seemed like one step forward three steps back. Yet, I can see exactly how he worked through all of it.
Part of moving to North Carolina meant finding a new reproductive endocrinologist- or fertility doctor. Dr. Fritz was recommended to me with great praise, so my doctor in Nashville referred me to him and I was able to get in soon after we moved here. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that I was able to get connected to him. Just a little side note/plug- if you know anyone in the Raleigh/Durham area who has had any problems with getting pregnant, you have to recommend them to Dr. Fritz at UNC Fertility. I can't sing his praises enough.
In August, after seeing him for 9 months, my body was finally at the point of being ready to start more aggressive fertility treatments- around that time I wrote that blog post about shutting down. I was prepared for months and months of sticking myself with needles, being poked and prodded more than I cared to, but hopeful that it would be worth it in end. We started the first round of injections....another side note- if you know someone who has to do this, I'd be happy to talk to them. It really wasn't bad AT ALL. So yea, first round of injections, going to see the doctor every day or two for poking and prodding, and I was convinced that we would have to cancel the cycle and start over- because that's pretty common in the first round with this type of treatment. It is usually for figuring out what dosage works for you. But everything kept going smoothly and follicles grew, and levels increased, and for the first time in my life with the help of hormones injected into my body, my endocrine system did what it was supposed to. So we waited, with low expectations but encouraged and hopeful for the next cycle that would probably start a couple of weeks later.
But there wouldn't be a next cycle. I went back for blood work and Dr. Fritz called me. "Well young lady, You. Are. Pregnant." The three words I thought I'd never hear. My head spun and I thought "This can't be real!" It took days for it to sink in and of course I was reluctant to get too excited, but as my levels went up like they were supposed to my nerves subsided and reality set it. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time was one of the most incredible moments of my life. I'm 26 weeks along now and it still doesn't seem like reality.
As I look back, I often think about my response to the Lord's goodness to me. I don't want to take any gift He's given me for granted. Yet, it is so easy to praise doctors, medicines, and processes. But He created this sweet life in His perfect timing. He saw me. He knew my heart and desires, He used a really hard season of my life to work in my heart in ways that I desperately needed. I want to respond in gratitude to this precious gift. And not just to the gift of this little one growing and kicking inside of me, but to the fact that He is good, that He has done a great work in my broken body, that He did hear me and have compassion on me, that He has seen my tears and brokenness and comforted me. He knew what He was doing all along.
It's the greatest news I've ever received and while I know that so many are right here with me, I know there's someone out there that it hurts. And what can I say to you? He sees you and He knows. I feel hopeful for you as others felt hopeful for me when I had no hope.
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I have asked of Him."
1 Samuel 1:27
Coming May 22nd, 2014. By the grace of God.
Every good & perfect gift comes from above.
