The dynamics of transition, leaving, and grieving are funny things. Last weekend I took a quick last minute flight back to Nashville to take care of some final things at the house there. As I left after an emotional and stressful weekend {that involved spending half of the day on Saturday dealing with almost being scammed selling something on craig's list}, I realized what the uneasiness and pit in my stomach was from.
In 6 months I've left 2 places that I love. As you know, leaving East Asia was so hard and emotional, and left a feeling that I can only describe as an emptiness in my heart. There have been many facets to that emotion from missing relationships & a place that grew in my heart and held so much meaning, to a realization that life goes on after you leave & not knowing where you now fit.
I knew I still missed EA, but it wasn't until this weekend that I realized the process of walking through all of that isn't over. The hardest part though, was realizing that I was now going through that same process at the same time with Nashville as well. And that strange feeling I can only describe as a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach is suddenly doubled. It's funny, the whole stupid craig's list thing left me feeling vulnerable & humiliated, that comes when you feel like you've been taken advantage of.... which was a catalyst for realizing everything else. I'd been doing a seemingly good job of stuffing everything, and it just took something unsettling to bring it all to the surface.
I'm so tired of transition. I want a break, and honestly I felt like once I left Nashville it would be over. Silly me. The whole "transitioning to something new" element hadn't crossed my mind. So now I deal with transition on more levels that I feel like own my own I can handle....
.....away from a place on the other side of the world that had burned a place in my heart that I really didn't want to leave, away from people & a culture that I love in a completely unique way, away from a completely different way of life that I'd grown really accustomed to, away from a place of monumental growth & development both individually & in my marriage, back to America & a culture that is familiar yet so foreign, back to our old house, back to wonderful old relationships I'd missed, while dealing with the beginning of missing new ones, back to meeting with doctors regularly & dealing with ongoing health issues, back to life in Nashville just long enough to settle in again....
And the next thing I know, I'm leaving there, clearly according to the Lord's timing. I didn't grieve leaving Nashville in this way when we went to EA because it didn't seem so permanent. It was still our "home base." We didn't sell our house & we came back to it just how we'd left it. It was also like we hadn't left & the last 2 years were an amazing crazy dream. When we left Nashville with the moving truck in November, I had been going non-stop getting ready to leave, I didn't give myself any room to process or grieve. Getting "gone" was going to be a relief from the stress of moving. It wasn't until we took one last walk through the house that I realized what we were leaving there.
That quote, "Home is wherever I'm with you," that's how I feel, but I will say our marriage was built in that home. We went through A LOT in those first 3 years there, and grew so much together. Around 6 that night after the truck left, we finally got everything done and hit the road to drive halfway & stay the night at my mom's. We locked the door, hugged in the yard and the tears started welling. Adam got in his car and I got in mine, and I burst into tears.
I had to pray that the Lord would make me engage with my emotions & allow Him to meet me there. From my house until I passed the airport on i-40 I sobbed and thanked Him for so many things: for all He'd done in our marriage there, for allowing me to live in the same city as my family & Eve, my lifelong very best friend. For our time at Vandy, as hard and as wonderful it was. For Beth, Betsy & Ashley on my team there who have been monumental to my growth. For the relationships I'd developed there. For Catherine & Marissa whose friendships have come to mean so much to me. For Anna my EA kindered spirit & the ways she's spurred me on on both sides of the world. For the time I got to live there in a different season with Jamie & Erica, my best friends from college & high school. And for so many other people who have been so special to me, and so, so, so much more.
Once outside of Nashville, tiredness hit me and my focus turned to staying awake for 4 hours. The madness only picked back up when the moving truck pulled back up to our new house. We left for a conference a few days later, and I feel like have been on the road off and on since then. I hadn't given myself much time to really think about any of it since. Last Sunday afternoon as the plane left Nashville I fought the tears hard, and did everything I could to distract myself.
And here I am back in Raleigh. Hear me when I say, I really like Raleigh & I'm really excited to be here. The pain of leaving the other 2 places I love doesn't take away from that. That's what makes it hard- there are 3 places I want to be, and I'm forced to grieve the loss of 2 of those.
And now I enter the "transition to" process.... to a new city that I don't know, a new house, looking for a new church, new opportunities for community, a new job sitting at a desk all that that it a huge adjustment, new doctors & looking ahead to a daunting process of dealing with fertility issues, among many other things.
There are moments when I think "I HATE TRANSITION!" But I know that it's all a gift. It's all grace, in that I have the privilege of walking with & depending on the Lord in new & different ways that are for my good & His glory. I don't want to miss out on this season for that reason.
I do feel hopeful & expectant. I am hanging in there. I don't feel despondent, and I don't feel paralyzed. Praise the Lord. As I've said, I can't walk through this on my own. But by His grace & through His strength, we're making it. I'm eager to see what He has in store for us here.
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening :) I needed this to process more than anything else. It's a good reminder of why I even have a blog.
He is good. I am grateful.
