75 - So happy to have friends like them.

Yesterday was a long day, but a good one. I had a maths exam, which was very difficult, and there were just some questions I knew I would never figure out how to solve in or for my life. What can I say - I gave it my best shot? Like I always say, I don't worry too much about my academics. I'm fine not being top of the class, so long as I manage to pass and move on to university. Uni's not even my goal, it's just another two or three years of education, around which I don't let my whole world revolve. I see the purpose of it, it's important. But all I'll ever be passionate about in the future is actually working, to help people via my future job. I don't want to take school so seriously, because this is only just the beginning.

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So after the maths exam, I went to McDonald's with some friends for brunch, then went to play football. It was crazy hot and sunny, and even though I felt like shit kicking a ball around in the blazing heat after downing a big McDonald's breakfast, I loved the sun - it just makes me happy looking at my skin and noticing I'm a little darker. :)

We then went up to a friend's place, and we played games on his PS3 and his Wii. We had KFC for dinner, and by my friend's mother's insistence, pizza. We were too full to finish the pizza. All in all, it was a lot of fun to just relax for a day, to do some exercise, to get some sun, to spend time with people, to play some games. It's needed for me during exam period.

Anyway, soon after dinner, it was time to go home.

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I got home, and talked to my best friend for over two hours. His phone ran out of battery, so I started watching my downloaded TV shows.

Ever watched Survivor?

It's a reality show, where sixteen to twenty, normal, everyday people, are sent to an isolated location (e.g., Brazilian highlands, Australian outback, Amazonian rainforest), to work with, and compete against, each other for cash and other prizes, most notably 1 million US dollars for the winner.

I've watched all 18 seasons of the American version, and it's the show I've been most dedicated to, one of my favorites. After thirty or so days of being outcasted, towards the end of every season, they like to reward the remaining four/five/six contestants, by bringing their loved ones into the game for just a day. It boosts their morale, it reminds the final four/fix/six of what they went to compete for, and most important of all, it creates some emotional reality TV.

I was watching this moment, when the outcasts reunited with their loved ones. One had his father emerge from the bushes, one had her husband, one had his brother... And I thought about what if I were there? Who would be there to emerge from behind the bushes to see me?

Hands down, my best friend, without a doubt. He knows every little thing about my life, he can handle all my different levels of character, there is nothing that means more to me than him. I paused Survivor, and as I sat there, I imagined not being able to talk to my best friend after thirty days in harsh conditions with nothing that reminds me home, and I just teared up at how emotional this hypothetical situation would be.

But then I realized that when I leave for university, when I leave Hong Kong, and he stays here, I won't have him to call up any time I want in London, and that this hypothetical situation bears some resemblance to a very real and near future for me. My best friend and I will have to start working out the time differences, while juggling my new life and his, our new schools, our new friends and love interests, everything, if we even still have time to and want to keep in touch with each other. It will never be the same, the same as it has been since I first met him.

I just cried at the idea, of losing the ability to do something that we've been doing for so long, losing the person I know now, the one I've had for so long. It's no tragedy, and I'm not sad. I wasn't feeling sad even as I was crying.

They're sort of like tears of joy, I'm very happy that I have him now, and I feel so fortunate. But leaving him is simply something that's going to be hard to do. Can you imagine having to leave the person that you are closest to... the person you speak with everyday... the person that knows you more than anyone, the person you know so well?

It's merely one of those things that will happen, and would've happened earlier or later anyway, and at least I have three or four months left. I'll just miss what I have now, you know? And he's just the first of things I'll miss when I leave.

4 - What am I doing wrong?

There used to be a time where I was always considered a cocky, self-righteous, self-indulgent, selfish person, and my friends would always tell me to grow up, to be more gentle and generous and basically, be good. Having heard that advice, and having been through long, painful years where I've gradually lost contact with those old friends, I've made new friends since then, and you know, they're kind, and they're friendly, but I'm very unhappy when I'm around them.

In the old days, everything bad that happened to me, I deserved it. Nowadays, everything bad that happens to me, I often think it's my fault, but lately, I've found myself confused, asking myself about what I've been doing to deserve to be so unhappy these past few weeks. I asked people, "What am I doing wrong?", and you know what... you know what the funny thing is? They told me, that I'm "not doing anything wrong".

And that's exactly what I thought, and exactly why I found myself confused, because I'm a big believer in karma. I believe we all get what we deserve. I've grown. I'm more gentle and generous. And I've been told by others that I'm a good, good person deep inside. So even after changing myself to be less arrogant and self-centered, why is it that I'm still unhappy? I ask others this question, and they say something along the lines of: "because that's life" or "because life is not always fair" or "because that's the way the cookie crumbles"... and that just leads me to become even more confused.

I hate being unhappy, and not being able to change myself to perhaps bring about my own joy. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. What am I doing wrong?