My name is Michael Rivera and I am a Filipino-Chinese, 18-year-old student living in Canterbury, but originally from Hong Kong. My parents divorced when I was two, and when I grew up, there were two sides of me: the wild, outdoorsy, gutsy side, and the conservative, intellectual, scholarly side. I spent two years living beside a beach in the countryside. It was then that I learned how to swim, how to fish and how to ride a bike. I love the outdoors, especially when having barbecues and hiking. Outside of that time, my more studious side of me reads, writes, and has a great interest in a broad range of subjects including: television and film, travel, anthropology, human cultures, linguistics, food and drink, psychology, philosophy, literature, forensics, Greco-Roman mythology, European history and politics, South American culture and geology. My deepest love goes to, well, my best friend. But the love that exists just a tiny fraction below that amount of love goes to television series, beautiful beaches, lime margaritas, and books considered classics.
Feel free to e-mail me if you have anything you want to share, suggest, criticize, inquire or comment on! :D
I can be one of the most tolerant, patient, generous, considerate, romantic, and carefree people you can ever meet in your life. The problem I have with most people, though - the only reason I am not being torn in different directions by multiple groups and cliques constantly craving my presence - is the fact that I don't know what I myself truly want. And in my confusion, I make big moves that affect myself and other people in an attempt to bond and belong, fueled and rationalized by my emotional partiality, that ultimately end up in other people and myself getting hurt.
My displays of affection are sometimes viewed as inappropriate, because I think overstepping boundaries shows the courage to be romantic. I am devious and gossipy because I think sharing secrets and meddling in other people's lives means caring about other people's secrets and other people's lives - even though it blatently is snaky and dishonest. The term 'arrogance' crops up occasionally with me, because in some sick, self-centered place in my mind, I think putting up an appearance of confidence attracts people who lack self-esteem and maybe want to get inspired. At times, I'm told that I am insensitive to other people's lives and feelings, and this can largely be attributed to my focus being geared towards romance, or confidence, or whatever I think is completely justified to do.
I've always known that if I kept to my own business throughout my entire life, people would always love me and appreciate me for who I am if I happen to be there sitting beside them in any number of circumstances, but the problem is I just cannot control my innate, human inclination towards social interaction. I have to talk to people. I have to find people to trust. I have to find people to share my life with. And this tendency makes me do crazy, mean things.
And then there are those few that see that I don't mean to mess up anything, that I am actually very accepting of differences, and embracing of common traits, that I am good company, with interesting opinions and a very generous heart. I am grateful to the gods that these people can see past my bullshit, and can forgive me if I wrong them, and can stick by me, even defend me sometimes, while I continue to screw up my relationship with the rest of the world.
Without them, I'd be gone by now, 'cause I really drive myself crazy.
There is someone that I've recently lost contact with, which is a total shame because we used to talk to each other almost everyday. Towards the 'end', if you'll allow me to call it that for now, our relationship just got really uncomfortable, and had to be unnaturally coerced to even vaguely work.
A few days ago, I woke up from a nap, to find this particular friend opening a conversation with me online. We each said 'hey', and he asked about my new job. I said it was great, and then I politely asked him in return how his summer has been so far. I was happy to discover that his was great too.
It was so nice to finally talk to him after not talking for months. We enthusiastically chatted for an hour or so more, about the good times we had before, about the busy times we have right now, and the amazing futures we have, the awesome life that await us in university.
We said our goodnights and goodbyes, and it was then that I had really woken up from that nap. It's too bad the whole thing was just a dream.
Yesterday was a long day, but a good one. I had a maths exam, which was very difficult, and there were just some questions I knew I would never figure out how to solve in or for my life. What can I say - I gave it my best shot? Like I always say, I don't worry too much about my academics. I'm fine not being top of the class, so long as I manage to pass and move on to university. Uni's not even my goal, it's just another two or three years of education, around which I don't let my whole world revolve. I see the purpose of it, it's important. But all I'll ever be passionate about in the future is actually working, to help people via my future job. I don't want to take school so seriously, because this is only just the beginning.
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So after the maths exam, I went to McDonald's with some friends for brunch, then went to play football. It was crazy hot and sunny, and even though I felt like shit kicking a ball around in the blazing heat after downing a big McDonald's breakfast, I loved the sun - it just makes me happy looking at my skin and noticing I'm a little darker. :)
We then went up to a friend's place, and we played games on his PS3 and his Wii. We had KFC for dinner, and by my friend's mother's insistence, pizza. We were too full to finish the pizza. All in all, it was a lot of fun to just relax for a day, to do some exercise, to get some sun, to spend time with people, to play some games. It's needed for me during exam period.
Anyway, soon after dinner, it was time to go home.
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I got home, and talked to my best friend for over two hours. His phone ran out of battery, so I started watching my downloaded TV shows.
Ever watched Survivor?
It's a reality show, where sixteen to twenty, normal, everyday people, are sent to an isolated location (e.g., Brazilian highlands, Australian outback, Amazonian rainforest), to work with, and compete against, each other for cash and other prizes, most notably 1 million US dollars for the winner.
I've watched all 18 seasons of the American version, and it's the show I've been most dedicated to, one of my favorites. After thirty or so days of being outcasted, towards the end of every season, they like to reward the remaining four/five/six contestants, by bringing their loved ones into the game for just a day. It boosts their morale, it reminds the final four/fix/six of what they went to compete for, and most important of all, it creates some emotional reality TV.
I was watching this moment, when the outcasts reunited with their loved ones. One had his father emerge from the bushes, one had her husband, one had his brother... And I thought about what if I were there? Who would be there to emerge from behind the bushes to see me?
Hands down, my best friend, without a doubt. He knows every little thing about my life, he can handle all my different levels of character, there is nothing that means more to me than him. I paused Survivor, and as I sat there, I imagined not being able to talk to my best friend after thirty days in harsh conditions with nothing that reminds me home, and I just teared up at how emotional this hypothetical situation would be.
But then I realized that when I leave for university, when I leave Hong Kong, and he stays here, I won't have him to call up any time I want in London, and that this hypothetical situation bears some resemblance to a very real and near future for me. My best friend and I will have to start working out the time differences, while juggling my new life and his, our new schools, our new friends and love interests, everything, if we even still have time to and want to keep in touch with each other. It will never be the same, the same as it has been since I first met him.
I just cried at the idea, of losing the ability to do something that we've been doing for so long, losing the person I know now, the one I've had for so long. It's no tragedy, and I'm not sad. I wasn't feeling sad even as I was crying.
They're sort of like tears of joy, I'm very happy that I have him now, and I feel so fortunate. But leaving him is simply something that's going to be hard to do. Can you imagine having to leave the person that you are closest to... the person you speak with everyday... the person that knows you more than anyone, the person you know so well?
It's merely one of those things that will happen, and would've happened earlier or later anyway, and at least I have three or four months left. I'll just miss what I have now, you know? And he's just the first of things I'll miss when I leave.
A particular friend of mine wrote a blog post about a special friend she had, and I'm inclined to think that special friend is me. Following her example, I shall not give her name, or call her to tell her that I wrote about her, but she knew I was going to read it, and I know she's reading this, too.
But she touched on something that really hit me hard, that made me swallow, that made me hold my breath, and that nearly made me cry as I was reading this one paragraph.
In her entry, she said that she found me by accident, and that our friendship should all be attributed to the efforts that I put in to the relationship. She said that I am the one who has encouraged her to partake in sexless hangouts, and that without my invitations, my texts and my calls, she would be at peace with being on her own. She said that she knew I had a lot of other close friends, and she viewed that as being quite depressing. If you look at it in a pessimistic, cynical way, she is just one of a bunch, a bunch of Michael's good friends. I can empathize with that, but read the following:
I know a lot of people. I cannot describe to you bloggers just how many people I know, but a lot of people have told me that I have touched their lives, changed their perspective deeply, been kind to them, appreciate me for my honesty, my scruffy, unique looks, my wit and humor, my sage advice, my hugs, my quirkiness, my words, my actions, my thoughts, my feelings (most notably, love), and my incredibly expansive insight regarding anything and everything.
I know a lot of people, and although I cannot express to you just how many that is, here's a taste:
I was once suspended at school for collaborative and organized theft. I would go into the changing-rooms at school and scavange for spare cash in pants pockets and bags, while my British friend was the lookout and told me if someone was approaching. We've both moved on since being partners-in-crime, and he now lives in the UK. I love staying up late in Hong Kong, talking to him while it's only the early evening for him. I love him so much. He lives quite close to another friend:
This other friend is Japanese and he's bisexual, just like me. He's been in England for a year and a half now, and likes it when bigger guys buy him drinks and escort him to their college dorms to spend the night. I fooled around with him many, many times when we went to school together five years ago, and I share all my intimate 'gay thoughts' with him because he knows what that's like. I love him, too, and can't wait to see him again some day.
One thing that has been interesting for me being a bisexual, is how girls just love to be my friend, but don't want to be in a relationship with me. They like how thoughtful and good with the words I am, and they like that I don't indulge myself with guns, cars, sports, games or hair products. I have a dear friend, a girl, who I used to go to. I don't keep in touch with her much, but I had a crush on her once, and she had one on me, too. Whenever we do talk, she tells me her problems at school, in her family, that she would never tell anyone else about. And it moves me to know that she can find trust in me, a shoulder to lean on, a support system and an ear to listen. I love her, as well.
I have a gay friend in Thailand, who works as a barista in Starbucks. He's 22, and wants to keep doing part-time temp. jobs like the one he has now. I have loving feelings for him, too.
I have a friend, again, a girl, again, one that I had a crush on. She dances, she loves learning about physiology and anatomy. She always is determined to work hard, to be responsible, to be content, to be accepting, to be rational. She has a father that hits her in the face when he gets angry. It's sad. But unsurprisingly, I love her, too.
I have similar feelings for twelve people in my class. There's the girl who achieves exceedingly well, and will go to Cambridge to study medicine, skipping the first year and moving straight on to the second. The sad part is that her parents will likely get divorced when she moves there.
There's the short, unexercised girl who has had to follow her father's 'business' around the world for her whole life, never stopping long enough for her to make any 'real' friends.
There's the boy who really wants to play the guitar for the rest of his life, but can't because his parents can't afford to send him to the US. There's the guy who smokes too much, the girl that fails her exams, the twins who struggle with keeping the peace and lessening the drama amongst all these other people with issues. And guess what? I love my class, too.
I have seven old-fashioned, letter-writing pen-pals in the States, Canada, Australia and China,
around two hundred people who I've talked to on Facebook in the past year,
a handful of the LGBT community who I've met in forums and bars,
teenagers and kids that live in my building,
distant cousins and my three half-sisters,
around five hundred schoolmates in three different schools,
the late-shift Pizza Hut delivery guy, the McDonald's crew that know my face only too well and the 7-11 staff that have served me for years,
and I have all of you Bloggers, all of you, even my list of 'Blogs I Follow' is very lengthy for following standards, but each of you have touched my life in so many different ways, and have reminded me that the world is much bigger than just your own city, a dot on the world map,
and then I have my Best Friend, the one I trust with everything, the one that loves me unconditionally, the one that I care about the most, the one that has made me laugh more than anybody else, the one who was there to console me whenever I cried, the one that saved my life and talked me out of suicide, the one that stood by me with whatever was hurled at me, the one who knows all the rest, everybody, each individual I've encountered in my life.
The point that I wanted to express (and have strayed away from slightly with the whole dramatic, bullet-point thing) is that friendship is hard for me, too. Friendship is something that I don't know how to do well without relying on others. Friendship is something that I don't take credit for, and all I can see for myself is this long list, this incredibly long list that still doesn't convince me that I have a natural 'talent' with friends. I feel like giving up on friendship at times, I hate being friends with people when I get really angry at them. I am not confident in my ability to make and keep friends because I still get lonely, I still feel inadequate and inept, I still find it hard to simply define the bloody word itself.
What I am confident about is that you mean a lot to me, too. But, please, don't ever, ever feel unhappy with the fact that you are one of many. I treasure you, not more than them, or less than them, I just simply treasure you a lot. I've been maintaining friendships my whole life and I am sure that in my heart, I will cherish you after we graduate, and that we will keep in touch until the day we meet again, part ways again, and repeat the cycle over and over.
I hope you can find it in yourself to smile, despite being one of a bunch. You know that's the way I am. You know friendship makes me happiest. You know that I am here to live happily - not prosperously, not for the benefit of society, not for a long time. It says something about who I am in the left-sidebar, which is what I was trying to achieve by putting it there: 'I reckon that bonding with other people is all we humans are capable of doing well, and that the world has the capacity for each and every one of us to find people who we can share our lives with. I believe my purpose in life is to inspire, to share and to be one with the world.'
Like all the rest, I love you, too, my friend. I sure hope it ain't depressing.
So, it's always healthy to have a good rant. That's always been my belief. Forgetting about paragraphing and the proper structure of introduction-body-conclusion can be quite a relief, although, for me, keeping the spelling, grammar and punctuation will have to remain just for the sake of it. I have a lot of work to do over the winter holidays. I have around five pieces of work to do already and I probably will get three more. I have to go on holiday soon and I don't know what to do about my blogs, especially 'Do you hate it too?" I guess I'll ponder that some other time, but right now, it's about the rant. It's about raving on and on about everything that you just want to say but wouldn't say on a regular basis because nobody would actually care. Yesterday, I rearranged the furniture in my room. I made it more convenient for me to do everything on my bed. I like having my laptop beside me everyday as I fall asleep. I don't want to have two more days of school. It's quite taxing having to be at school. You know what I really want to rant about? I don't want my classmates reading my stupid blog. I should never have made it public to them because they actually know me but not well enough as some of my out-of-school friends. They know things about me through my blogs but they shouldn't because I really don't trust them. It speaks volumes that I trust a potentially worldwide online community more than the people I go to school with every single day. What they do is they read my blog, they go to school, they see me, think about what I said in my blog, judge me, discuss about me, go home and read my blog again. That's what they do and I'm so fucking paranoid about it and I hate thinking that way but that's the truth. I dislike the way my best friend treats me too. My alleged best friend. He seems to think that he can treat me however he wants to treat me but that's the case with all of them, all these darn people that I call my close friends. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what to do. I don't know why it is that I'm continually drawn towards them even though I despise being around them and talking to them so much. I hate the way he thinks he's high and mighty and thinks that I'm nothing but a lonely asshole that has no other friends. He has to stop thinking that way, he has to stop it because i'm SICK AND TIRED OF IT AFTER HAVING IT BE THAT WAY FOR SEVEN YEARS NOW. Why can't he ever just be a little kinder towards me? Damn. Nothing good can come of ranting here. Classmates: hope you've enjoyed it. Especially you, He Who Trust Me The Most. You really are better off being with the others. You fit in that 'circle' and I find you despicable sometimes thanks to your low EQ. You never try to be closer to me. You never try to push me away either. Give anything a try and shock me before the day we leave each other. Best friend: you know, this is a term I've never thrown around. I call you 'best friend' because you literally are the one that's stuck by me the longest, but I've figured out that you only do that because you're the lonely asshole. I don't know what it is you plan on doing when I leave Hong Kong but damn it, I don't just throw those two words around. I mean it, and you should mean it too. Perhaps reading these blogs every now and then would serve you good and give you a true indication of what I really feel about you. You say you don't care about me so openly. I believe you. Bloggers: That's me, I'm an angry Asian teenager. Go on, give me your words of advice, whether it be I need to change or whether it be I don't need to change. Compliment me, critique me, call me names, whatever. The truth is, I may do either. You're all much wiser than me. But the moment I see any bit of goddamn patronizing adult-to-child crap... well, I won't do anything. I just won't take your advice to heart.
(update after realizing I got too angry the first time) Alright, alright, something happy, something happy. I like blogging, really. I think that some of the stuff people come up with educates me greatly and will benefit me in the long-run as I not only practice my writing on a regular basis, but I also will be able to consider other people's thoughts and philosophies more easily in the future. It's a good thing and I appreciate all the comments and I comment on all of your blogs too because it shows that we're all sharing this blogging experience together. I like a lot of things an I'm not just all hatehatehate. Even though I hate their behavior, I can honestly say that I love them. I love them to the bitter ends of the Earth. I just hate what they do and say sometimes and there are many good things about them that make me drawn to them (answering myself with regards to what I said above). I love television and food and genuinely long walks on the beach, although, it's the beach I like, whether I'm running, swimming, wading, digging or diving, whether they be long, medium or short walks, runs, swims, wades, digs or dives. I listen to any music that's mainstream and I prefer it to be hot and sunny rather than cold and damp. I have to go do something. I'll be elaborating on my winter plans in the next post.
One doesn't care about me because of how my feelings have affected the situation. He looks down on me and thinks I'm pathetic He thinks I take things too seriously and that I should learn to let loose, yet at the same time, he prides himself in having a mindset on deep philosophical ponderings and having more mature thoughts than the rest of us. He thinks he sees it all when he seems to miss the most important observation - a self-reflection.
One hasn't known me for very long but I've sort of gotten to like her since we began getting to know each other last year. She knows about me but I despise the way she finds it hard to express herself. I'm a very good listener so she may as well make use of it. I hate being the one talking and she doesn't make me feel treasured. Soon enough, I'll leave but I'm always here for now. Oh, but she'll never approach me. I'm worthless to her. It makes me so angry. Who is she to judge?
One knows when I'm being serious and knows when I'm being fun as well. In fact, he knows everything about me, from the scar I have on my abdomen to the list of Christmas gifts I've received over the past six years, from the people I love and care about to the people that I've just passed by on any given day, from the color of my pillows to the books I've read, from the stories of my childhood to the story of my life on a daily basis now. He knows everything, yet he doesn't know that he uses humor too much. He laughs because he's insecure with the fact that he trusts me, needs and and loves me. He jokes because he doesn't know how to share sensitive words, yet he has what is seemingly the most profound opinion regarding my own ethics and life. He deems himself high and mighty. He looks down on me and thinks that a one-way trust can work between us. How is he different from the other guy? How can he really expect me to want to keep him any longer?
One has always been quiet and timid with a twist of fun, cute energy. She's been her best friend for years and trusts him too and that's how we've come to trust each other's advice and judgment. It's the distance that has separated us. It's the fundamental problem of having our schedules consume our personal lives. What a pity.
One, I found quite surprisingly out of nowhere. I guess great minds think alike and are eventually drawn together and I'm so glad that they are. Out of all of these, we have the least problems, I reckon. Oh, but she's too caught up in her own life. She's still not trusting enough and it's too bad that her and I never discussed anything more. I've always wondered, but I guess a friendship that's safe and content is better than one that's surprising and loaded with variables.
One, I used to love with all my heart. She was perfect but I messed it up. I thought we could continue to bond despite the fact we went to different schools but it turns out that the incident has changed everything, most notably her feelings towards me and her desire to want to be with me. I thought we could lie on the bare trust that we had established by our childish liking for each other but the late-night chats, the kind words of advice and encouragement and the times of watching television simultaneously are long gone now. I was ready to hold her in my arms. I was ready to kiss her on the forehead in the morning, the cheek as she had her lunch and on the lips before we parted ways. I was so ready but really, what's the use if this distance was all that it would result in?
One has always been sort of distant from me but through my four years in knowing him, a compulsion to care for and love him has developed. I wish he could learn to be happy with what he's got but he complains too much. He's hypocritical but I love the sense of surety and confidence he has in his tone of voice sometimes. I love that he can be romantic too. I love that he can be who he is and not fear the world. It's a shame that he admits to being scared when he's alone. It's a shame his romanticism isn't shared with her. It's a shame his dreams and goals are not appropriate for this time. It's a shame he doesn't trust me. I would listen.
One never knows what to say when I'm talking to him. I know he'll know this is about him the moment he reads this. He has good observational skills. He has good judgment, I believe. His problems with expressing himself have frustrated me several hundred times, though. He will find himself alone one day and that's the sole reason I keep his hopes/spirits up. The truth is, all my care for him will only be legitimate if it's mutual. I will not stand for it much longer and when it comes down to it, it's really because he's boring and doesn't have anything to express.
One, I've hated in the past but have loved to talked to because he knows the importance of keeping things to himself and keeping a healthy relationship. I have grown to like him and for once, he was one to forgive me. I guess I talk to him for his sake but he tells me that all he wants is a simple life. Good-natured people are too rare in this world and it's such a big, big shame that he doesn't want the same things I do. We would've done well but that simple difference is what will drive us apart in years to come.
One loves me in the same way I love her, however, it's not allowed to go any further than that. That has put a strain on our relationship since the day I met her but I've always known we'll be great. She and I have very few problems because we both know that honesty is the best policy. It's a shame that we each find flaws in each other. It's a shame we don't learn from each other. It's a shame we don't improve each other. We just love but what use is love if it doesn't do any good?
One has completely turned her life around and replaced the book in her hand with the bottle of vodka. I never really cared much for her but she has been my close friend on occasion. We're too distant now and it will most probably stay that way.
One has ignored me since he found out a special secret about my sexuality. He also blames it on my immaturity, my total disregard for other people's feelings and my racism. I've grown up since then and it's him that's the childish one if he thinks a grudge is worth carrying for more time to come. There will come a day where he will regret all these lost years. There will come a day when he'll realize he was wrong. He can continue ignoring me for now. Good for him.
One, I have shared a relationship with that has gone up and down like a roller coaster. That's exactly the point. She loves roller coasters and very good television in the drama and reality genres. She loves the ice-cream, she loves the beach, she loves to gossip and she loves the people even though she may not always show it all the time. She's just like me. Oh, but we're both shallow and I firmly believe that's what it's come down to. We can't always be good friends because she's pretty and I'm ugly.
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Do people not understand the importance of letting your friends feel treasured? If you never show gratitude and desire to be with one another, what is the point?
Why must you hide yourself behind your laughter, or you behind your stoic demeanor? Why aren't you willing to bring our love to an even higher level and why aren't you willing to let go of past hatred? The fact that you're incapable of expressing yourself shows me you don't care. The fact that you're actually capable but choose not to is even worse than the other one. Why do you want to live a simple life? Why do you expect me to give a damn about the amount of alcohol you've consumed? Why won't you trust me? Why won't you trust me more? Why won't you give me a chance? Are you really that busy? And does nothing from the past matter to you anymore?
God, I feel so cheated of my time and effort. What was the point of me trying so hard to build these relationships if they appear to establish nothing now? I mean, me going to university without my high school friends... Is that really what you all want for me?
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