Daisy's Christmas visit with Bio Dad and Psycho Chick went well, I assume. The sent her home with lots of smokey smelling clothes, videos and stuffed animals. They also, surprisingly, sent her home with age appropriate toys, warm socks and mittens. Extended family was there to greet a very unsure Daisy. She was hesitant to go to Bio Dad with was ok with the transition from me to him. Psycho Chick seems like she's understanding more that I am only there because of HER actions that put Daisy in care. I think that she is starting to see me as less of a threat. Her attitude towards me has changed considerably in the last few weeks. I guess that's her Christmas present to me...

On a brighter note...December has always been an interesting month for us. We were called with Baby 'C' and Felix in December. I have been trying to get 'life' in order with hopes that our house will have our 'open' space filled. Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I pray a safe and healthy Happy New Year to you all.

Visit cancelled due to 'sick parents'. YOU'RE telling ME.... :)

***UPDATE*** Too funny! After I typed this my cell phone rang and it happened to be bio dad stating that he needed money because they were being evicted and they could only go to the new place if he paid more money for bio mom to stay there. Of course, after my long, drawn out post I felt OBLIGATED to give them the money. To you and I it would be a meal at McDonAld*s but to them it was the difference between staying together or finding somewhere else to stay. They're transient and like I've stated before...they do the best they can. As I handed him the money I told him he did not need to pay me back but this was THE ONLY time I would help them out financially. I explained to him how important it was to plan better. Also because the thought ran through my head that we are entertaining angels unaware. What if that were MY daughter or son. I pray that someone would have the compassion to help them out. I still laugh at myself for the predicaments I put myself in. :)


It's amazing how this change. When a child is placed in our home, it's hard not to hold a bit of resentment toward the parents knowing it's their actions that brought their child to me. When Baby C was with us his parents were not my favorite people, to say the least. But now that he is with his forever family, I see that his bio parents have not changed their lifestyle. They are still in the same financial position, at the same place mentally, and there's no desire to incentive to change. Not even having their baby girl in foster care. I'm thankful that Baby C's adoptive parents have Sweet Pea (Baby C's new baby sister). They are fostering her in hopes of adoption. I have been in touch with the bios since before Sweet Pea's birth. Hoping to help her get what she needs and encourage her to get herself together so she can keep her baby girl. Sadly, losing children to the system is not new to her and as far as I know she is unaware that anything can be done to change it. There is no on e there for her showing her the way to be a better parent. There is no one there to encourage her that she'd be a good mom if only she'd learn that her children have to come first. There was never anyone there to show her that she, herself, is special and worth something. Since Baby C has left a relationship between his bios and myself has formed. I make sure they are warm in winter and encourage them to keep up with visits with Sweet Pea. I am very realistic toward them when it comes to surrendering their rights so Sweet Pea can have some stability. I encourage them to stay out of trouble and do the right thing. I worry about them not having a coat and hat in winter while my fingers are numb as I take out the mail. I wonder if they've eaten a meal as I sit to dinner. I know they can minimally take care of themselves because they've probably had to do this all their lives. I guess it's a cycle. Their parents are neglected and in turn neglect them. And this, ultimately repeats itself and THAT is the reason THEIR children end up in foster care. This past weekend I was called by the bios. She wanted to let me know that she was given a picture of Baby C and his new baby sister and she wanted to share it with me. Since Baby C has gone to live with his new family I have not received updates from them aside from running into them at the store. Once or twice we've exchanged words but for the most part I have felt like I am a threat to them. Since Baby C is with them for over a year now I guess they feel secure that he is theirs. They actually have gotten a picture of Baby C and Sweet Pea to me...THEMSELVES. I was able to see Sweet Pea and ask about Baby C. (She looks JUST like her big brother) and it just baffles me that she is the same age as HE was when he came to live here. I'm so happy for the adoptive family. Not only do they have the blessing of Baby C but they have been able to take Sweet Pea home from the hospital sparing her from what her big brother went through at the hands of their bio parents. My heart still goes out to bio parents. I think that what they've endured at the hands of their own parents merits some dismissal of judgement.

Visit went well...Daisy came home with a few hives. I'm not sure if they're from stress or if mom gave her something questionable. I know that her juice was not watered down. Caseworker dismissed my concern stating that mom and dad only fed her goldfish and juice. Maybe I'm over-reacting...maybe it's the weather...maybe I just feel horrible when Daisy SCREAMS while I change her because her poor little belly is not used to straight juice. Heck she barely drinks anything but water or whole milk. ANYWAY...sounds like visits will go from 2 to 3 hours as of next year (starting in a few weeks). There is no obvious bond between mother and child so we need to torture Daisy with another hour of running from Psycho Chick so the courts are satisfied that reasonable efforts have been made.
That's the system for you!

It's been a while since I last posted. Time flies when you're having fun... (is THAT what this is??) Daisy had (2) 2 hour visits last week due to our Thanksgiving vacation. It was a difficult 2 days as she never knew what to expect from us after dropping her off twice at DSS. Her mood is visible after a visit. She is easily stressed these days and even came home with some hives. I have seen that her bio dad is good with her. HE is the one taking 'care' of her during the visits. She still holds us pretty tight when we drop her off but there's nothing I can do about that. I spoke to her caseworker and I was told that with the influx of children coming into care visits may get harder and harder. While every parent is entitled to a visit with their child (who is in care) the space at the building can only accommodate so many visits at one time. But since dad was released from jail they have made every visit (I think...) We missed an opportunity for 2 little boys (in the age range we requested) last week. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I have these clothes upstairs calling me from inside the bin where they're so neatly tucked and patiently waiting to have the tags removed and fulfill their purpose in life. Let's just see what happens....

2nd two hour visit today. Daisy did better this afternoon. Still exhausted and over stimulated after the visit. Her disposition was MUCH better when we picked her up today. She had a well baby visit this week and both 'psycho chick' and 'the father' showed up. Caseworker came late. Daisy's on target and doing well. (I already knew that). Psycho chick and dad were pretty good. MUCH better than expected. Dad was actually great with Daisy. Watching him take care of her actually puts me at ease having to leave her every week...not that I have a choice. More soon...

This really has captured what I've been feeling lately. I know that I can give up and go on with life as usual. Most of you who know me...know that's NOT who I am. I know that this is a God given dream and it WILL be fulfilled in HIS time and HIS way. So, I'll wait...

Worth the Fight

The days have faded into months,
The months grown into years.
The hopes and dreams we once held tight,
Have now been blurred by tears.
The aching, longing and desire are an endless and searing pain.
The time we've spent, the efforts endured
And nothing to show we've gained.
A baby is all we hope for and need,
An empty hole to fill.
In life we need that one missing
Piece to make things whole and real.
As we drudge along and pursue our dream,
We never must lose sight.
For all we hope to have in life,
There must always be a fight.

by Dawn Welch

Today was Daisy's 1st 2 hour visit with her 'parents'. We spent the 1st 35 minutes doing an evaluation regarding Daisy's development. She is doing well. Then the 'daddy man' and I went out to breakfast and did a bit of shopping. Daisy was extremely tired when we picked her up and was asleep even before we left the parking lot. I know I have NO opinion about this but these 2 hour visits really take a toll on her tiny body. Anyway, I spoke to the caseworker and was 'reprimanded' (I use the term loosely) for the 'daddy man' calling himself 'daddy' in front of Daisy's 'parents'. Psycho Chick complained and we got 'yelled at'. What the heck is she SUPPOSED to call us? We are supposed to bring these children into our home, feed them, clothe them, love on them and 'raise' them as our own but they have to call us Mr. & Mrs.?????!?!?!?!?! Makes no sense. Anyway, we were told that it's not appropriate for her to call us 'mommy' & 'daddy. wHaTeVeR!!! Then upon further discussion with the caseworker, I was told that MANY children have come into care since Monday. It's funny...the phone rang on Wednesday night and I didn't pick it up because I was sleeping and I didn't actually hear who it was. About 10 minutes later when I checked the caller ID, it was DSS. Since it was after 5pm (after hours) I called back to the home finder's line thinking that if she was looking for a home for a placement...we might get lucky. Unfortunately, no one answered her line OR the supervisors line...I left it alone. But here it is 3 days later and they tell me 7 kids have come into care...I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

A perfect example of the twisted system. Court has deemed that 'there is NO bond between mother and daughter'. SO, instead of going for early TPR...they EXTEND the visit for another HOUR!!! My poor sweet Daisy. She already is so stressed after the established time now to add to that?!?!? I just don't understand. Add to add insult to injury, her 'parents' complained to their lawyer that we didn't take her trick or treating. They didn't even bring her a present on her birthday but I'M the bad parent because I didn't take the one year old trick or treating for candy (which she CAN'T eat ANYWAY!!!)...Anyway, she has been with us almost as long as she was with Psycho Chick and the 'father'. She is bonded and loving toward us. She is thriving. Almost walking and on (almost) all table food. We have officially introduced the sippy. She's still not too sure about it. I can't believe the holidays are right around the corner...we are enjoying the privilege of watching her grow and turn into the pretty little Daisy that she is.

~HaPPy BiRtHdAy SwEEt DaIsY~

We are so privileged to have you in our lives. You bring a ray of sunshine to every bit of our home. Your smile and laughter are contagious. I thank God for blessing us with you. Even though your life got off to a rough start I pray you have a sweet 2ND year of life. Happy Birthday!

Posted late for 10-17 and 10-24...

Both visits went well. Psycho Chick AND 'the father' showed up to both visits ready with cookies. It still seems that there's no bond between Daisy and her parents. I see the effects of her visit throughout the day. She comes home very lethargic and after her bath sleeps most of the afternoon. My heart breaks when I see her start to tense up as we drive up to the visit. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm sure the novelty of seeing 'their' baby might wear off as the weather gets cooler. Only time will tell...

Daisy took her first steps on 10-21. She was extremely indepentent when she was placed with us. Over time, she has learned that she is supposed to be the baby. But that side of her is showing itself again now that she can get around (almost) alone. She is on almost all table food, supplementing vegetables or fruit when convenient. Our next step will be phasing out the bottle and moving on to the cup. More soon...

BOTH Dad AND Psycho Chick made the visit this week. Poor Daisy. She seemed so confused. My heart aches for her future. All she knows is us. More soon...

No visit again this week. At least she had the sense to make the phone call the day before instead of me having to drive up there to only turn around to come home again. Many decisions to be made concerning my sweet little Daisy. I try to understand... There is obviously no bond between Daisy and her mom. I can't imagine carrying her for 9 months, taking care of her every need for the 1st 7 months of her life then turning her over to CPS. What fills your days but the cry of your baby that is no longer there? How do you go about and act as if she never was part of your everyday life?? How do you NOT show up for your 1 hour a week chance to be a mother to your little girl??? Anyway...more soon...

No visit this week for Daisy. Psycho chick called the caseworker Thursday to say she wouldn't be able to make the visit. I guess now the supervisor and caseworker sit with Psycho Chick and decide what the next course of action is. I am not sure if they will bring up surrendering rights but if the system made sense I'm sure that is what would happen next. IF!!!! Also, Daisy's law guardian called to ask some questions now that court is comin up soon. She asked if Daisy was developmentally sound (yes) and if she has visits with her 'mom' (sometimes) but she didn't ask to SEE or MEET with Daisy.
So sad. I did put a call in to the caseworker to ask when court was (sonce the law guardian brought it up) and I am waiting for
a call back. More soon...

According to the caseworker, Daisy had a hard time at her visit with Psycho Chick. She looked happy to see me but still had a meltdown when I tried to put her into the car seat. I feel bad that she doesn't understand what is going on. How easy would fostering be without the bio parents around to mess things up? If only... Anyway, it seems as if Daisy is reaching new milestones daily. She is trying to stand alone and says 4 words (hi, dada, mama, and baby). She is transitioning to table food really well and I think whole milk will be in her near future. Her voice is raspy and adorable. The girls are getting a kick out of her as she tries to make them laugh. She imitates them the best she can then laughs right out loud with them. Too cute.

It's been almost 6 months since Felix left us. I am thrilled that things worked out with his grandmother but I guess I'm just pouting a bit. I feel like it was such a tease. Having the privilege of bringing home this incredibly tiny baby boy from the hospital, loving on him for weeks on end without a visit from his parents only to have him gone in less than 24 hours from the 'call'. I wonder what it would have been like to have witnessed his first cereal or him sitting up for the first time. Or his first word or first step. I know that I really do put limitations on God when I say this but I can't see us with another 'call' like that. A call for a newborn baby boy from the hospital. A call for a baby who will finally be our baby boy. I struggle with wanting to just test God by ending our 'bout' with fostering in general and just waiting. Waiting for a situation that is actually brought to our front door. I thought the easiest way for MY dreams and plans to work out was through fostering. God's ways are not my ways. Obviously. I struggle with the desire to go through the bins of clothes I have for our boy or just giving them away knowing that if I see Felix's preemie clothes I'll just lose it. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. Who knows?!? I think that if things go the way they are supposed to go, Daisy will be leaving when her parental rights are terminated. That should be next fall. That's a long way off for a baby girl who needs a forever family. I can't imagine her calling us mommy and daddy then handing her off to strangers. God knows the desires of my heart and will fulfill them in HIS time. Only time will tell what will happen...

NO visit again this week. Mom made effort but was not 'prepared' for the visit. Sometimes you DO need a diaper bag (as an adult). Daisy has a bit of a cold. She woke up Wednesday all drippy and is now coughing a bit. Dr's office said there was nothing they could do for her so we'll wait it out. I'm going to try juice again tomorrow. Her rash has gone away so I figure if I use more water this time she should be ok. She's on a bit more solids. Pancakes, rice, peas, carrots, chicken and mac and cheese. More soon...

On the way out for Daisy's visit last week I got a call from the caseworker. Psycho Chick called and said she wouldn't be able to make it to Daisy's visit. Daisy's ok with that...so am I.

***GooD NeWs***
We are Officially on the 'open' list with the adoption worker. Let the waiting begin...

Poor Daisy. Today I saw first hand what Psycho Chick must have been like (pure speculation here...) those first few months that poor Daisy was living with her. When I tried to hand her over to Psycho Chick, Daisy held on to me for dear life. She screamed and put her little head into my shoulder as if to BEG me to not let her go. Psycho Chick made NO effort to console her daughter or try to ease her fear. Our caseworker is on a well deserved vacation so there was a 'fill in' today. When he finally came in to get Daisy and her 'mother' (I use the term loosely) I took off before Daisy started in again. When I went to pick her up (after the visit) the 'fill in' informed me that HE held Daisy most of the visit. If Daisy was in mom's arms...she was screaming. Mom was also trying to get Daisy to mimic her tapping on a table and was almost yelling at Daisy when she chose not to. 'Fill in' ALSO noticed that there is NO bond between Daisy and Psycho Chick. So sad. There was a look of relief on Daisy's face when she realized I was there to pick her up. On a P.S....Psycho Chick handed me 2 pictures before she left. One of Daisy's 'father' (with his shirt off...ewwww) and also a picture of some guy who is Daisy's 'friend'. The guy is like 30 something years old and looks like a (pardon my mouth...) DIRTBAG!!! What the heck is he doing being Daisy's 'friend'?!??!?! I also asked Psycho Chick if she had ANY pictures of Daisy the first 6 months of her life (for an album) and she said 'no'. Of course, what film she DID have left she took pictures of the @*^$@*! people she THOUGHT were Daisy's 'friends'. Anyway, she's home and CLEAN and safe. And once again, we're loving on our velcro baby until we have to visit 'hell' again...next week.

Still no word from the adoption worker...I am trying to be patient. I have been searching waiting child lists but there's no one available that fits our 'wish list'. I really DO NOT want to disrupt the birth order in our family. I know that when the right child comes along it will just...happen. Until then... I was kind of hoping we could just change our home study and have a child placed through DSS. That way we had a chance to meet the bio parents and get a history. When Felix was placed with us we found out more info from the Dr's and others than we did from DSS. I guess that can be both good and bad when you accept a child from a neighboring county. So much to look forward to. The girls have been asking us to keep Daisy. She is wonderful but I have to keep reminding myself that we have only so much room in the car or space in the house. I know there will always be plenty of love to go around but in this case I have to be realistic. (As you can tell this is not always easy for me) I justify some actions by convincing myself that a child's well being is at stake. Realistic??? Some of the stories that I have heard about foster care haunt me. I know I can't save them all. But I can try...right?!?!?!?

Daisy has really been showing us a bit of her wonderful personality. he is full of attitude and sweetness. Or as they say 'sugar and spice'. She is now repeating 'mama', 'dada' and 'more'. She also says 'hi' all by herself. She has a temper but is just full of smiles and giggles. My girls keep asking if we can keep her. That's a hard one. How can I possibly trade all my hopes and dreams to add a baby boy to our family? So much to think about...I hope the decision will be made for us just as it was with baby 'C'. I prayed for clarity and wisdom in that situation and hind sight...everything (now) is crystal clear. I look back and think that if we HAD kept baby 'C' and had the opportunity to adopt him and Sweet Pea came along 3 years later...we probably would NOT have been willing to take her (as his adoptive home is thrilled to be doing). I don't think it can get and more clear than that! I'm praying that the adoption worker will be able to point us down the path we need to follow...the one that will bring us to our 'forever' baby boy.

This weeks visit...a no go. Psycho Chick decided that since she saw Daisy on Wednesday at her Dr's appointment...she didn't 'need' to see her again and besides that, she wasn't feeling well. So, I got a call before 9am (who the heck is awake THAT early???!!) telling me not to make the drive to DSS. Go figure. If I only had one hour a week to see my kid... Anyway. I have not heard from the adoption worker regarding changing our home study so I'll just wait (as if I have something ELSE to do) and hope that maybe this week we'll hear what our next step is in this process.

Daisy had a Dr's appointment yesterday. I was kind of nervous to see how it would play out after mom's comments last visit. Daisy's grandma was there so was Psycho Chick (Daisy's mom). I had called the pediatric nurse ahead of time to request that Psycho Chick and I NOT be left alone during the appointment because I didn't want any allegations or problems. The nurses were wonderful! They have seen Daisy since she was born and have obviously taken a genuine interest in her case. Therefore...I felt safe. Psycho Chick and Gramma were almost appropriate. Daisy pushed BOTH of them away and held onto me for dear life. Daisy's caseworker was there but didn't come into the room. He waited with Gramma in the waiting room. More drama to come...there's a visit scheduled for tomorrow...

I also called the adoption worker yesterday to inquire on what it takes to change our homestudy so we can accommodate another child. I'll wait to hear back from her...

The saga continues...first off...Daisy had a visit today with her mom. Dad is back in jail due to a 'pushing' match he and mom had, violating the order of protection. Daisy's mom (we'll call her Psycho Chick) informed me today that bio dad doesn't like me. Well, let me go cry a river. She also had something to say about Daisy's adorable outfit. Something along the lines of "why'd ya put her in THAT? In my defense...the outfit was perfect for the weather we had today. ANYWAY, as far as I know the visit went well. Then I heard some news from a little bird that Sweet Pea has jaundice. AND that baby 'C's adoptive mom PRAISED me for encouraging bio mom to surrender her rights. I have never felt that she liked me let alone supported any decision I've ever made. Now I hear she thinks I did a wonderful job with baby 'C'. Go figure. Bio mom called me to tell me she saw BOTH her kids and was very happy. I'm happy for her. I think that if she sees how well 'C' is doing and how much they love "C' and Sweet Pea...she might surrender soon. Reality is they will most likely NOT get Sweet Pea back...surrendering now is only speeding the inevitable. I just hope things work out best for everyone...

I am not sure why but I've made some questionable decisions this past week. I know that when I get in to this 'zone' it is hard for me to see anything but what I want to see. On Wednesday morning I had to teach the VBC preschool class. It was very hard to concentrate on what I was doing because only a few blocks away Baby C's mom was giving birth to his FULL BIO sibling...a baby girl. I wanted to desperately be there but I was not sure why. I struggled with what I should do. I asked the foster care supervisor if it was ok for me to be there and she said that she couldn't tell me either way yes or no BUT if I did step in it might make it harder for CPS to step in and get the baby out of that dangerous situation. Let me explain...baby C was a shaken baby. He was taken into care at 2 months old. He was placed into OUR arms when he was 4 months old. While he was never diagnosed with "Shaken baby syndrome" I really believe that what we dealt with for those 1st few months with him was some sort of failure to thrive. He was a late walker and late talker. There were occupational, physical and speech therapists here many times per week to help him get to where he should be. The pediatric neurologist said his condition is genetic. He left us to go to his adoptive family when he was 21 months old. I know that he is thriving now. He'll be 3 this month. His bio mom and dad have outlasted many married couples in their being together for the past (almost) 10 years. Now they have Sweet Pea. A healthy, baby girl. CPS has already been involved and it's to the point where bio dad was escorted from the hospital because he was livid that his baby girl was going to be taken. Now bio mom is there alone. Knowing her baby girl is not going home with her. I'm caught between relief that Sweet Pea is safe and sadness for bio mom that she has never been given the chance to mother a child. She is simple. I'm not sure how much of a difference it would make if someone were to teach them HOW to be parents. I don't know if they have the capacity to understand how truly important it is for Sweet Pea to have a safe, stable, loving home. I know that baby C's adoptive home can give her that. She will be going home with them. I'm glad that Sweet Pea will have her big brother to grow up with. But my hearts will weeps for bio mom who had to carry Sweet Pea for 9 long months only to have her taken away. So sad...

This past week has been crazy. Daisy's mom and dad did not show up for their visit last week. I have been teaching a preschool class for a local Vacation Bible Camp and I have learned one thing about myself...I am NOT a teacher. I am a firm believer in learning through play. Let's just keep it at that! I have prayed often and felt out of sorts...but I know that God has surrounded me with HIS peace for the past few days. I have made some questionable decisions and I'm hoping that I have not jeopardized our license to foster OR adopt. I know that sometimes I can make irrational decisions but I'm hoping this one won't cost me. Daisy is doing well. We bought her a walker and she is almost running! She goes in circles around the furniture and into the kitchen. She also has been repeating words like more, mama and dada. I can tell that she is settling in more. More updates soon...

For a Monday...it was not a bad day. We got a lot done. The garage is clean and the lawn is mowed. I was able to complete some of the weeding so I'll try tomorrow to finish. We should have gone camping today but there was a thunderstorm threat so we decided to clean up around here. While there is still SO much to be done...I feel like I DID something today. AND I made dinner. I guess I just feel a little proud. Daisy had a good time trying to keep up with the neighborhood kids and was LOVING the fact that everyone was giving her NON-STOP attention today. I am ready for bed!!!

Well, they didn't notice the bruise (which is actually almost gone so I can't blame them there.) Visit went well. Caseworker said bio mom was upset because Daisy wanted nothing to do with her...she just wanted her bio dad. Daisy started to get droopy towards the end of visit and looked happy to see me. I wonder what she's thinking when I leave her with them. It's not easy when she holds me tighter and I have to hand her over. She's napping now. More soon...

Daisy said her first word today...'HI'! It was so cute to hear her little voice. I was walking up the stairs and I noticed her bedroom door was open. I heard squealing so I walked in and she was standing up in her crib and when she saw me said ..."HI!". Too cute. Her bruise is much better today and I an anxious to see if her parents even notice it. Not that I am nervous but I want to see if they really 'look' at her or do they just 'deal' with her. Visit tomorrow...more soon!

Daisy took a good spill today and it left a wonderful bruise on her forehead! I made a call to the caseworker to let him know. He said it was no big deal as long as he knew PRIOR to me showing up for the visit on Friday. At least that way HE would be able to explain it to her parents if it came down to that. Ky and I had some words last night and we talked through many issues regarding adoption and our current family. The conversation left me hopeful. It really comes down to trusting that this is a God given desire to adopt and if it's HIS will we should have no worries. It was nice to actually talk things out instead of each of playing defense. To be honest, now that that part of my heart is settled...I think I should be a bit nervous each time the phone rings!

Baby 'C's bio mom is due in a few weeks with her baby girl. She is unaware that DSS knows what's going on. I feel really bad for her because now she has to deal with the fact that she is almost homeless and without some place to bring her new baby home to...she'll have that baby taken away. On the other hand, Daisy is doing really well. She found her voice and is always with a ready smile. Her bio mom and dad are back together so I'm assuming that Daisy will be a big sister sometime in the near future. I hate to assume but these things always seem to happen. I asked the caseworker how visit went last week with bio dad now able to visit..caseworker said he was appropriate. I am a bit suprised. Not shocked...just suprised. Daisy went camping with us but had some trouble breathing so she came home with me to sleep. Sorry this post is all over...I have alot going on. More soon...

Today was Daisy's 1st visit with her father. I'm not sure if she remembered him because she seemed hesitant to go to either of her 'parents'. She has had a fever for 2 days now. Maybe that could explain her attitude. She reached for me when I came to pick her up after the visit. I kind of got sick in my stomach when her father said..."we'll see you next week baby girl". From what I've heard from the foster care supervisor her father would never be a candidate for the father of the year award. Daisy is the youngest of 6 children. It's a very sad situation. Although this is the 1st child he has with Daisy's mother...the outcome does NOT look promising. Even after almost 7 weeks she is already bonding with us and looking to US for comfort. She is a sweet baby. I can imagine giving her back to what she has come from. If it comes to that I have no choice. Time will tell...

Still haven't heard from Felix's grandma. I'm ok with that. In the phone call I made I have closure. If she calls...I'll be thrilled. Daisy is doing excellent. She is close to a routine but now that the summer is here that might change. I am not one to stay home. We have reached a status of 'velcro baby'. I am enjoying her. Not sure what will happen. Bio mom did not show up for visit this week. I had to drag my sick self out of bed only to wait there until it was assumed she was not coming. Daisy is beginning to realize where we are when we go up there. She is unsure of what will happen...I hold on to her a little closer. She is now fully crawling, pulling up and the owner of 2 new top teeth. This past week I had the opportunity to take her into a pool to see her reaction. Since she had issues with the bath I wondered how she'd react. She LOVED it! The water wasn't the warmest but she stayed in for a few minutes and splashed. What a cutie!

Because sometimes I do things without thinking...or maybe I DO think them through then impulsively act... Yesterday the man of the house and I took Daisy up to DSS for her visit with bio mom. While we were waiting to go upstairs to begin the visit, I heard a familiar voice. At first...I couldn't place it. Then I realized it was Felix's grandmother. I was at a loss for words. I smiled at her, turned and walked up stairs as the caseworker came in to meet us. Instant replay in mind told me I should have asked about Felix or given my condolences... Hindsight...20/20 Visit went well...bio mom asked me if we planned on keeping Daisy if she gets adopted out. The man of the house was right there and sympathetic to bio mom but my answer to her was "you have to ask the caseworker about that. It's WAY to early in the game to be thinking that way. Besides...don't you want her back???" She told me that she is aware that bio dad has had 3 kids adopted out of the system and I think she realizes she already defeated. She suffered a traumatic brain injury as a child and is incapable of taking care of Daisy for more than an hour alone. The rest of the visit was ok. We left but I still had regrets for NOT saying anything to Felix's grandma. Fast forward to this morning...she was still on my mind so I called her. I left a message on her cell telling her that if she needs child care for Felix and his 5 y/o sister (Haven) I was more than willing to help out. I also told her how sorry I was for her loss and left my number if she felt like getting back to me. No big deal...right?!?!? HOLY *%$@! SHE CALLED ME BACK!!! I just got off the phone with her. I once again explained that I was willing to help her out with both the kids if she needed a break and she said she'd take me up on it. :) I asked her about Haven and how she was dealing with her papa's death and she told me all about it. While my heart DOES go out to her...I think this is an amazing thing that happened. To be able to watch Felix and Haven grow up would be a blessing. I am still a little in shock that I had the frame of mind to do that... I'm a little giddy now. I may even be able to post pictures!! :)

Daisy is doing well. I'm not sure if I posted about last weeks visit but it was cancelled due to mom being sick. I actually brought Daisy into the doctor and her mom was there. The nurses were wonderful in making sure we did not cross paths. Daisy has asthma and I am not comfortable just giving her nebulizer treatments. She sounded really congested and I wanted a doctor's opinion. The doctor just listened to her chest, gave her a treatment and sent us home with a Rx for another drug. I am extremely allergy conscious and I have asthma. I am trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. She has not been sleeping well. I don't know if it's her congestion or if she's just now comfortable enough here to be herself. I have so much to get done. The day has just started and I'm already tired. I am feeling MUCH better though. I am beginning to think that I have to let go of the thought of Felix ever coming back. As nice as it would be...it's just not going to happen. I'm trying to trust and be patient. It's not easy. We found out this weekend that Baby C is going to be a big brother in August. This will be his FULL bio sibling. He has been with his adoptive family since April 07. He was placed with us at 4 months (Dec 05) and with us for 17 months. After meeting his adoptive family I don't know if they'd be open to another placement of Baby C's baby sister. Bio parents obviously planned this baby and are VERY aware of the fact that DSS can take her away. Bio mom asked me to go into the OR with her when she has her c-section. She has always stated that she wished WE would have adopted Baby C because she thinks she would have seen him more. I think she's delusional. I'm glad he found a home. More on that later...

Visit with mom went well. I met Daisy's grandpa and great grandma. Daisy came home exhausted. I guess that's what an hour of over-stimulation will do to you. Bath time is getting easier. She now is a happy little water baby and she splashes and plays until it's time to get out. I love to see the progression. She is a different baby. It's amazing what a little love can do...

I wanted to wait until I went 'private' to post this. The other day I was informed that Felix's grandfather passed away. While I am sad for him I wonder what his grandmother will do now. She has both grandchildren living with her and she was the sole provider. I know this must be a horrible time for her and my selfish side has wondered if he might find his way back here. On a better note...Daisy is doing well. She is now expecting to be fed when I hold her close and loves to be sung to. She makes WONDERFUL eye to eye contact and has really settled in. On the other hand, I would like her to be a little more 'velcro'. I am already praying for God to bless her with the family she so obviously deserves (if she won't be sent home). I also pray that her mother either get 'it' together or gives up. This baby is so vulnerable right now. I can't imagine how the next 15 months will go. It's torture knowing that we have no choice but to wait. I find my comfort in knowing that God has her here for a reason. Today is our 2nd visit. I look forward to the new parenting 'advice' her mother has for me. :) More on that later...

Today I made a follow up call on the baby boy we inquired on. Our adoption worker at the county retired last week and I'm not sure who's taking over her cases. I wanted to be sure we didn't miss the call. We didn't. We were not one of the 3 families submitted to the adoption committee. I am kind of disappointed. I am not sure how much I really thought it would work out anyway. So, right now, we'll just focus on Daisy and help her learn that it's ok to cry when you need something and that being a baby should be fun. We have seen a change in her in the week she's been here. I am glad she's still young enough to still learn to trust. More soon...

I was approached by the foster care supervisor to talk about permanency for Daisy. When we were called for her I was specific and precise in letting her know that we have NO intention on adopting a baby girl. We are (after all) foster parents FIRST!!! Today we discussed how important it is for Daisy to bond and attach. We also discussed that if I had no intention on adopting her maybe it would be best to place her NOW rather than later. HELLO???!?!??! Does ANYONE listen when I speak??? I TOLD her this! I explained to her that although we were not looking to adopt a baby girl we could (however) love on her and give her a history. (ie- photos, baby book...) I know that God knows what He's doing...I just really wish He'd let ME in on it!!!!

Well, we'll call our newest addition Daisy. She is 7 months old today. What a sweetie. She's adjusting well. There are MANY concerns that I have but my biggest concern is attachment. So, right now THAT is what we're focusing on. She is amazingly independent for a 7 month old. Sadly, from what I've been told...she had to be. I'm hoping to change that and help her realize that our job is to take care of her. She doesn't have to take care of herself anymore. She's eating and sleeping well and is LOVING every minute of snuggling her close and singing her to sleep. I have to admit...I'm loving it too. :)

Due to high traffic on the blog I think it's time to go private. If you'd like an invite please leave a comment telling me a bit about yourself, where you're from and your email.

Well...it's happened again! Earlier this evening I answered a call for an almost 7 month old baby girl. We brought her home at 11pm and she is settling in nice. Amazing how things happen. I am excited for what lies ahead. She is a doll. More soon...

I was thinking last night about Felix. I've forgotten what it's like to have him snuggled in my arms. It's been 8 weeks since they've taken him. (I had to look on the calendar...I'm NOT obsessing!!) I miss his smile. The baby boy we've inquired on is no longer listed on the waiting child list so unless I drive our adoption worker CRAZY...I just wait. I have never felt so defeated in my life. I've tried it all on my own and NOTHING has come of my efforts. So, just like I was surprised with the call for Felix... Once again...I wait.

I feel like I should give up. I don't know IF I expected to hear anything about this little one we inquired on. I would have liked to know if our home study was one of the three chosen to be submitted to the adoption committee. Friday came and went without a phone call. It's extremely hard to keep the faith especially when this one would stay forever. Such a tease. I have been thinking what types of change would take place in the house but it's nothing that is negative. I think having this baby on our house would be a blessing. Not to be too naieve...I am aware that there may be issues but that is something we knew when we signed on. I have said this before but I'm not sure if I want to foster anymore. I love having children in the house but I don't know if we can take them leaving anymore. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I feel we've exhausted every option. I also know that I am a person of faith. And the meaning to the word faith, as I've learned, is: When you come to the end of all the light you know and you're about to step into the darkness of the unknown. Faith is knowing one of two things will happen. There will be solid ground to stand on or you will be taught to fly. I has not been easy to just 'trust' and wait. But that's all I have. I've taken EVERY step humanly possible to find our son. I have to let God do the rest. So, if this is 'the one' I have nothing to worry about...RIGHT??!??

It has been hard to sit back and ...'wait'. I really DO hate that word! We have inquired about a little one and we have had to be quite patient. We were told by a worker in that county that the process may take quite a long time. We got a phone call yesterday by the adoption worker in our county. She proceeded to tell me that the caseworker will have narrowed down home studies to 3 by the end of this week. WE are one of the home studies that were submitted. I am not sure how long the process will take after that...but I will wait. Because that is what I was told to do. I am not sure how many other home studies were submitted along with ours but I know that when the caseworker narrows it down to 3 ...those 3 will be submitted to a committee to choose what family will best suit this little one. I have totally had to leave it in God's hands fully trusting that HE knows what's best for our family. I really hope to find out either way...if we are chosen or not. Till then...I'll wait.

I keep hoping that 'the' phone call is right around the corner. Still holding close to the dream of 'him' one day.

Something happened yesterday I thought was kind of neat. I went to set up an appreciation breakfast at a nearby eatery. Me, trying to be all business-like in my shorts and sweatshirt... I walked in practicing what I was going to say to 'sell' them on a breakfast buffet idea. I was stopped in my tracks by an employee who happens to be a friend of mine. After some small talk she told me she was sorry about the baby. I was kind of taken back because last I had seen her was a few weeks after he was placed with us when his future was unclear. Although we frequent this eatery, we had seen her only once when Felix was with us. So I asked her how she knew. She told me that her friend was talking about how excited she was about her grandson coming to live with her. When she realized her friends grandson was Felix she knew what had happened. She also let me know that her friend also WORKED with her. I was amazed and of course, asked how he was. She said he was doing wonderfully and he was well taken care of. She had even held him. It made my heart happy to know that he was ok. But that little glimmer of hope that he'd ever come back here...it's gone now.

So...I made a phone call to follow up on an inquiry we'd made on a 13 month old baby. (How's THAT for a run on sentence???) I was extremely discouraged when I was told that although they 'routinely' place children out of state (for adoption), this may take many months to find a family that best suits this little one. That is where I really feel the system fails these children. Here we are, a ready family. Our paperwork complete. Just waiting here. I would get on a plane in an hour if it came down to that. No, instead, this baby has to wait for the caseworker (who probably has a dozen or more children in his/her care) to gather up enough home studies. Then he/she has to narrow those home studies down to 3. At this point she gives those 3 home studies over to the adoption committee and THEY make the decision. So...again...I'll wait. (Or in obedience...BE STILL) Not that I have a choice.

We've been toying with the idea of a domestic adoption. Constantly checking 'waiting child' lists and making follow up phone calls. I know I should 'Be Still' but it's what I do best...trying to help God out. Here I am following every 'road' that may end having us bring a baby home. I really think that when the road 'stops' that it's God closing a door. We've had many doors close in our face. HE is still in control.

I wonder how much he's grown. Would he recognize us?? It has been 4 weeks without that sweet boy. He is greatly missed.

THE BOY WHO LIVED AT OUR HOUSE

Was he just imagination the baby boy I held so dear?

The one who lived here at our house I remember him so clear.

I used to rock him in a chair till he was fast asleep;

And when his eyes would finally close past his crib I'd softly creep.

He only stayed a little while...he won't come here anymore,

Although I'll always wish I'd see him running through our door.

The boy who lived at our house, his smile, his angel face,

Not only was he mine awhile, now he's in God's grace.

God let me keep him for awhile that boy who lived with me,

And then He sent him off again for his grandparents to see.

And there, I pray, he knows the love he felt while he was here.

He'll know how much we cared and how we hold him oh so dear.

Then we'll meet again someday when toward Heaven I depart.

But until I see him there with God I'll just keep him forever in my heart.

~unknown~

(picture removed)

I miss you...my sweet baby boy.

I've heard NOTHING about Felix but I'm not sure if I expected to. We really miss him and would love to hear 'something' but that's this wonderful thing called fostering. Love 'em and send 'em off. Hoping for the best. He is never far from my thoughts and prayers. The girls keep asking for a baby brother but I'm not sure how many more times I can do this. More later...

Trying hard to move on...it should be easy right? He was never mine. Not so much. I've been asked more times than I can count..."how are you?" Do people really want the truth?? I'm miserable. I keep hearing him cry and I feel like I'm going insane. I am always 'checking' on him only to find that he's not there. And the MOST adorable Baby G.A.P. bathing suit that I had purchased for him arrived yesterday only to be packed away. I know that I should be thrilled that he is with relatives BUT I'm not. I don't know what I thought would happen but hope never let up for a miracle. I know that every time a baby leaves a little piece of my heart goes with them. How many more times can I handle this feeling? Now I understand why people don't want to foster. The feeling of loss. Emptiness. Sometimes I think that life would be easier if we had the money for an internati*onal adoption. I know that this is what we signed up for. I am a horrible foster*parent. I say that because I am not EVER prepared to give them back. I would LOVE to keep them all. OK, well maybe not ALL. But I definitely was NOT prepared to give him back this early. There is so much I'll miss but I can do nothing about. First words, foods, steps...the list could go on forever. Felix will always be in my prayers. Sorry for the venting but hey...that's what I have this site for. :)

My sweet baby boy is gone. :*( I brought him to DSS to meet his grandparents 2 days ago. There is a Felix shaped hole in my heart. The night he left I took down all his crib and packed away my baby boys clothes. It just doesn't seem right that he's gone. I miss his smile. Sleeping through the night is SO over rated! I keep hearing a baby cry then I remember he's not here. My girls are doing well. We talk about him as much as possible...therapy. I keep asking them what they think and if they're ok. I think I'm driving them crazy. They ask if we're going to 'get' another baby brother. And as if this wasn't the most bizarre weekend...I was asked if I would possibly take a 3 y/o girl and her 2 month old baby brother. Believe it or not I actually contemplated it. I was on call Saturday night but since no one called I guess they didn't come 'into care'. I know that if we would have had Felix 2 more months like we were supposed to it would have been harder to let him go. He was developing such a wonderful little personality and had a ready smile for anyone willing to play. I pray that he is ok and that he is being loved and well taken care of. There are many things that don't sit right with me about him leaving and where and how he went. But as a foster parent I did my job...and i have no say anyway. I would take him back in a minute but not at the expense of him being in and out of 'care'. I'm still trusting God that HE knows what's best for Felix and us. I know that if it's HIS will it will happen.

March 28, 2008 Evening

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have called the caseworker until Monday...Felix is leaving.........tomorrow. Supposedly the judge ordered custody to his grandparents yesterday. While I am beyond thrilled he is going to a family member...I can't help but think this could have all been avoided had she said yes and taken him right out of the hospital. But that would mean that we would have never had the blessing of him in this house for the past few months. I know God has HIS hand on Felix so I am not worried. I'm just going to miss him. Not sure how many more times my heart can take this kind of pain. Since I am unable to type through my tears, I'll end with this...

My sweet baby boy, "May the LORD bless you and keep you..
May HIS face shine on you and be gracious to you."

March 28, 2008 Afternoon


Just a quick update. Felix is doing well. I'm sure he is well over 10 pounds now. He is smiling more and SO engaging. He does NOT like to be left alone and cries when he sees me walk out of his sight. He is sleeping better at night and still naps quite a bit during the day. All of us are falling in LOVE more and more every day. I look forward to his first words, steps and hugs. I don't know what the future holds for my sweet boy but he already is someone special. He has been introduced to his grandma and papa. They sure do seem to like him. After seeing them interacting with him I'm sure they will take good care of him. The thought of him leaving became VERY real yesterday after a meeting with his family. The only thought I had was "God, he's in your hands. You love him more than I EVER could. If it's in YOUR plan for him to stay...we would be forever grateful for this blessing. But if he has to go...I'm thankful for the time I had with him and I know that my hopes and dreams for a baby boy of my own will be fulfilled in YOUR time." My human mind was saying "let them see how much we love him and how well he's doing. Then they'll be at peace that he's ok and they can visit every once in a while." Reality sets in pretty quick when his family is around. It keeps me grounded that we still have a LONG way to go until he could be ours. I'll try to be patient... I have to go call the caseworker back. She left a message on my machine.
Here goes nothing... more later...

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just disconnect the phone. Especially with the caller ID. I cringe when it is possibly the caseworker. Like today, for example. She called to let me know that her supervisor has approved grandma for bi weekly visits. I guess I should be glad that someone in his family wants him. It still bothers me that she didn't want him when she could have had him out of the hospital. Now that she does want him it took her 12 weeks to come around and call the case worker. I am preparing myself for him to go but of course I would love if he could stay.
Trusting God knows better than I do...

GOOD NEWS!!! Felix can hear! I took him to get tested today. We still have to take him down for more testing but HE HEARS!!! Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all the advice and suggestions about the rash. It is still raw. He is air drying again! :) I have shopped for summer with the hopes that he'll still be here but I did save my receipts. Not that I am giving up hope but I am a realist. We'll have to just wait and see. I refuse to send summer clothes with him if he leaves (especially with tags) because I really am not comfortable around his grandmother yet. I would love to know her true intentions for taking Felix. It would make it a little easier to give him to her. Right now, after 12 weeks, blood means NOTHING to me. He has had NO ONE but me for the past 12 weeks and then sh shuffles into his life and pulls the blanket from under all he knows. I don't think it's right. Especially when he'll wind up in daycare all week. Can you tell I'm a little bitter??

Felix is doing well...aside from the NASTY diaper ra*sh he has had for a few weeks now. I feel SO bad for him. He is 'air drying' right now. Anyone with some good suggestions??? Please HELP! We met maternal grandma on Monday and in one word I would describe her as fake. We'll leave it at that. This is the same woman who was called for Felix before he even left the hospital and she said NO. Now she shows up 12 weeks later and is in love??? Whatever. We'll have to wait and see what happens with that one. On a lighter note, tomorrow is Felix's hearing test. He has had 3 appointments so far and they have all said that he does not have 'normal' hearing. Pray please. Only God can touch this sweet baby boy and make him whole. More later...

It has been whirlwind of a day. I always say "there's NEVER a dull moment in this house." It's been 12 weeks and of course I'd feel sceptical if anyone were to show up NOW, after all this time. Not sure what to think but this 'walk' is not an easy one.

As always...it all starts with a phone call...



The day was going great until the phone rang. I am still trying to process the information I was given.



I used to consider myself super organized. Things that needed to get done were completed early and I felt in control. I'm not sure when things changed. I guess I have realized that some things were more important than others. The dust will be there tomorrow if I don't get to it today. There will always be more laundry. I will have to clean the bathroom in 2 days anyway...

I have tried to embrace every minute with Felix. I have held him in my heart LONG before he was placed in my arms. I am at a loss for words at the thought of him being taken from us. When my daughter called him "little brother" I held back the tears but hoped that someday this might come true. I know that God is bigger than my fears and that HE has Felix in the palm of His hand...right where he wants him. I know that I am just a part of a plan for this little boy. Reality is SO different from what I thought would happen. I still look at Felix in awe. As if God is trying to show me that HE can go above and beyond and provide even MORE than I could ever imagine. Who would have EVER thought that WE (a couple with 4 children) would get a call for a preemie right out of the hospital. They usually give babies to families with older or no (fewer) children. I have said earlier that if I shared some posts from my private blog you would have thought that my prayers were specifically answered from the circumstance right down to the color of his eyes. It actually blew me away to the point that I am still amazed every time I look at him and realize what I asked for. I have to keep reminding myself that I signed up for this roller coaster.



Praying that circumstances will change now

but knowing that it's out of my hands...

Lately I've been trying to understand what could possibly keep a mother from her child. There aren't to many reasons that I can come up with. I didn't carry Felix for 9 LONG months and plan for his delivery. I didn't feel him move inside me or hear his first cry. But after 9 short weeks...He is mine. I am so in love. I could compare my love for him to that of my biological children. In my heart he is mine...until 'they' tell me otherwise. I am unable to grasp how a drug could make you feel SO good that you forget you have a child. I know that it can be over at any minute. It started with a phone call and it will end with one too. But I am at peace knowing that God loves Felix infinitely MORE than I EVER could. Felix was HIS before he was ever mine.

So I think we need to come up with an internet name for this baby boy so I don't have to keep typing "baby boy". I think that Felix is a good name because my 4 year old thinks that he should be called this anyway. SO, it seems that Felix's grandfather is calling the caseworker quite often. I think that if he was so intent on having Felix placed with him that he should get in his car and drive the 5 hours and come see him. It has also come to light that Felix's grandmother wants him too...but not for herself. She wants him for someone else. This world is screwed up! So the reality of Felix leaving really set in last night. I can't imagine him leaving but as I've said before I know that God has a plan. Both of these grandparents would have to meet certain standards provided by the state in order to have Felix live with them. Many things have to be in order. Health, finances, and their criminal histories have to be crystal clear. I am really having to dig deep for faith to get me through this. My 'plan' to 'fix' this is by talking to the caseworker and asking her to go to bio mom and tell her that we are really enjoying having the baby here and he's doing really well settling in. If he goes to live with either of the grandparents she will not have visits with him. (Not that she comes to visits anyway!) I think by asking her this we might ensure him staying here and if he's here for 12 months we gain just as much right as a grandparent. So in a way I am kind of being selfish. I just can't see him going to live with a grandfather who's probably older and not ready to deal with all the issues a newborn baby brings. Reflux, getting up at night, inconsolable crying, diaper rash...the list could go on and on. Felix is a wonderful baby. I'm sure if his grandfather is fighting this hard to get him he's aware of the sleepless nights and the spitting up. New health issues have come up with Felix. I wonder if grandfather would still be willing if he knew. As you can tell I am SO impatient. It's impossible for me to sit back and wait and see what happens. More soon...

Still a little amazed every time I look at this sweet baby boy. If I were to blog all of the events leading up to the phone call that brought him to us I think you'd be in awe. I still am. In my human mind I look at this whole situation and think that he HAS to be 'the one' that's meant to be our son. But I know that God is SO much bigger and very aware of my hopes and dreams. Sometimes I feel as if I'm reaching for the impossible. But then reality sets back in and I realize that my days are a little bit brighter and I smile a little more often...and then it doesn't really matter about the future because he's here now.

Update: Baby boy is well and growing. My sweet preemie boy is now over 7 pounds! He is definitely recognizing our voices and is soothed to sleep or comforted by singing or music. He adapts easily to new things and is easy going even with reflux. The 1st question EVERYONE asks me is about his sleeping. He sleeps well during the day and at night he is up every 3 hours. For those of you who know me...I run on VERY little sleep and even though the sleep I DO get IS interrupted...I am enjoying every minute with him. After Baby 'C' left I was unsure if we'd ever have the chance to 'mother a baby' again. So this time around I am 'sparing NO expense' and taking NOTHING for granted. If there is something that I have wanted (within reason) I will buy it for him. If this is the last chance I get I don't want to have ANY regrets. He is a wonderful addition to this family and hopefully...permanent.

Seriously?!?!?!? How am I expected to get anything done with this lump of cuteness around????? SOOO in LOVE! :)

Today was strange for me. Many times, when people find out that this baby is our foster son they say "you're a great person"...or "it takes someone really special to do what you're doing". I feel kind of embarrassed when I hear this. I guess it's because I don't feel special. The truth is...I feel horrible. While this experience is WONDERFUL and I am enjoying EVERY minute...there's the other part of me that wishes he was already ours. I'm not doing this to be a good person. Or because a child needed a home. Our ultimate goal is to adopt. That is what we set our to do from the beginning. Anyone who wants to get into fostering must LOVE torture. This is a very long and tedious process. So, when I hear people say 'what a great person I must be' it IS kind of hard NOT to shout back..."NO! I'm selfish! I want this baby for myself. Who cares what the mother must be feeling. It's HER decisions that put him in my house in the 1st place!" For those of you who know me, you know that I am a person who firmly believes in the power of prayer. It has been EXTREMELY hard for me to pray that his mother gets her act together. Although, I know that no matter HOW or WHAT I pray...God is bigger than all of these circumstances. I have been praying that God's will be done in this situation. I probably should be praying that his mother would have a genuine GOD experience and do a 180 and walk away from what she's been doing. Only GOD can make her whole. But like I said...my selfishness has kept me from praying that for her. Pray for her for me...and while you're at it...pray for me too! I think we could BOTH use all the prayer we can get!

Formula changes are wreaking havoc on baby boy. I feel horrible every time I hear his little belly gurgling. He is on meds for Reflux. I've never had to deal with these kinds of things so it's all new to me. He is a good eater and he's sleeping ok. But around feeding time he's very fussy. I can't imagine how much his little body has already gone through and now that he's here and safe I wish I could make him feel better. Hopefully he'll outgrow reflux. I'm not sure if an adjusted age is used for 36 week preemies. But his official due date (I think) was today. He'll be 4 weeks tomorrow.

It's only almost 2 weeks and already it's getting old. Driving all the way to the county building only to have to turn around and go home. Thank God baby is not old enough to realize what is going on. It kills me to look in his beautiful eyes and know that to her he is not important enough. Sad.

I really want to post some of my thoughts about what happened today but I think that sometimes it's dangerous to be too honest. Let's suffice it to say that it was a very bittersweet day. This baby has brought me SO much joy in the past 12 days. It's amazing how I can fall in love with this little man in such a short period of time. He eats, sleeps, cries and po*ops and TOTALLY has me wrapped around his tiny fingers. He starting to fit into preemie clothes better. I can't even explain how tiny he really is. I know that at any time this could end and I am always trying to ground myself with that sobering thought. The system is messed up and I can understand why relatives would want to get him out asap. He deserves SO much better than getting stuck in the system. I know that he's on 'loan' and I am not taking a moment for granted. This 'unknown' is what I signed up for. I have never had to trust God so much in my life. When you are fostering to adopt you have to put yourself 'out there' 100%. I feel very vulnerable and it's very scary. I don't want to have my heart broken if he leaves. If he stays I want to make sure we've bonded since day one. So I feel like either way...it's a gamble. I know that God cares about this little one even more than I do so I shouldn't be worried...easier said than done.

ok...too cute or what !?!?

COMPLETELY enjoying baby boy. He is snugly and adorable (even at 3am!!!) He is starting to recognize my voice and calm down when he hears me if he is crying! I am falling more and more in LOVE with him everyday! What a sweetie. I am still 'trying' to keep grounded by telling myself that his mom could VERY well get her act together and get him back...why wouldn't she? Has she seen him lately??? He is SO worth it! But I understand that how I think is not how she thinks. Once again...only time will tell. Enjoying EVERY moment in until...

OK, I guess it's time to explain my title and blog cause. As a mother of 4 I am constantly trying to retrain myself to be more organized. It's not easy. I try to remember important dates and to be prepared for them only to find myself a day away and panic sets in. I DO make effort...I just think that I thrive on chaos and I am a last minute Susie. Anyway, this blog is NOT about my kids...it's about the kids that come into my life and it's a way for me to get out some feelings about the foster care system. The whole world is like a beach full of starfish. Wherever you go there is someone whose life could be changed because of something you say or do. The children that come into my life are not of my doing. OK, well maybe a little. I have the desire and I am willing. I took the classes to become a foster parent but God does the rest. I firmly believe that HE brings the children into this house that HE feels need to be here for THIS season in my life AND theirs. (Note to self*** re-read this when you're stressed***) I lost my train of thought...oh, yeah. where ever you go you CAN make a difference. SO, here we are with a 2 week old in the house and he has an uncertain future... It would be SO easy to focus on this little 'starfish' and look at his future and feel bad for him. There is no certainty. If you think about it...NOTHING in this life is certain. IT CAN ALL BE GONE IS A SECOND. I am believing God that HIS plan for this baby is a plan for good and NOT evil. I am trusting God that HE will work things out. I am NO hero. I am loving EVERY minute of having this baby in the house. Trying VERY hard to take NOTHING for granted. When it's all over it won't matter what kind of car you drove or what your job was. Just that I made a difference in the life of a child.

Still amazed every time I look over at the crib that there is a baby here. I feel honor and privileged that God saw us fit to take care of one of HIS starfish. It is unreal. As I pack the diaper bag I am in awe of the fact that just a week ago I got THE best phone call. Who knows what will happen in the end. I am really just trusting God that HIS plan will be revealed for this baby and our family. I am enjoying every minute. The girls are in LOVE. Even the middle of the night grunts and groans are priceless. He is such a sweet boy. 2 weeks old tomorrow.

Today we brought a baby boy home from the hospital. He is 9 days old. What an experience. He has a full head of hair. Such a sweet baby. Not sure how long this 'walk' will last but we'll enjoy it while we can.

It all starts with a phone call. It's a amazing how life can change with the ring of a phone. BIG news to share soon! :)