It is with a heavy heart that I write this and I'm not sure if I'll be able to adequately explain my feelings. I know this post has most likely been a long time in the making but I guess I have felt too guilty to write it. I have tried many times going over the reasons and I can come up with many. During out M*A*P*P classes one thing my husband and I learned was that we KNOW how to communicate. THAT is our strength. One of my weaknesses is NOT letting go of things I have no control over. I try my best to 'fix' things and it has taken me a while to realize that I am no one's {savior}. 5 months ago I got a call. I asked many questions but no one really had any answers so I jumped into a situation that {had I the information I have NOW} I probably wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole. I am a bit naive enough to think that I CAN still heal them but the realist in me knows that they need a supernatural healing that only God can give.

This week we will be requesting that the boys be moved.

I never thought I'd say those words. I feel guilty but I know this is a decision that is in the best interest of our family. Our family should come first. These boys have been running our house for the past 5 months and we've had enough. For a while they seemed to really be progressing and we thought that maybe we could help them. Reality set in and we have realized that the minute the boys leave this house their 'old' rules set in and they think it's a free-for-all. My heart is breaking for them and I feel beyond guilty that we will just be a 'fos*ter' family they have lived with but we really feel that our patience is gone and that the grace that God gave us to begin this journey...has lifted. How can I help them heal when I'm just as angry as they are? My biggest fear is that the next family will not be able to handle them and they too, will move the boys... This decision does not come lightly and our hearts are very heavy.


PLEASE keep them {and US} in your prayers....

I was blessed again by Felix's grandma! She sent some CHRISTmas pictures of him. He is absolutely adorable! His birthday is this week...he turns 2. Time flies...

I have decided to take Lil' Man out of daycare completely after the holidays. I will be giving them my notice today. These boys are possibly leaving in March and instead of having him get used to a whole other facility I think I'll just keep him home. I had looked into another daycare center last week and it turns out that the director was in the news recently and so was her husband. I am VERY glad I did not leave my number with her. It would have been a bit uncomfortable trying to explain to her why we won't be going there. It is a relatively new facility and they have very low enrollment. Maybe other parents saw her on the news as well.... just sayin'... :)

One day last week we left the boys so we could have a family day. They were absolutely HORRIBLE. They kicked my friend, screamed for hours and threw toys. She asked me NOT to ask her again to watch them. Am I the ONLY one that has a hard time bonding with unmanageable boys??? Please, tell me this is normal. I am a bit angry that all they have learned here goes out the window the minute they leave this house. What will it be like when they go home?? March is not that far off and more then once a day I tell myself to send them on...now! This has been THE HARDEST thing I've EVER done. I know that giving up on them will make them regress but sometimes I just want my family back. Our lives have been turned upside down by these 'babies' and sometimes it is SO hard to love them through this. Broken toys, books and walls have been my life for the past 5 months. I have tried EVERYthing I know to help them heal and feel secure. But it turns out that the second they leave this house they resort back to how they were with their mom. This is HER problem and I can't fix {in 5 months} what it took her 2 years to build! Now, I just pray for the strength to get through each day in one piece. I know HIS strength is perfect. It HAS to be because MY strength is GONE and I'm still doing this...taking one day at a time.

I am a bit frustrated with the caseworker today. I was asked to do a CHRISTmas Eve visit and I am a bit peeved. Visits have ALWAYS been on a certain day and now because neither of the caseworkers are available to supervise...I HAVE TO BE INCONVENIENCED!!! I really tried to get out of it and I was even told {by Owen's caseworker} that I am supposed to be in SUPPORT of 'fostering the relationship between Hope and her boys'. Um, hello... I have been taking care of her boys, bringing them to their visit and changing my LIFE for these boys. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Today I wish I was someone else! Not a foster parent...just a regular person that has a life OUTSIDE of foster care. What did I say, you ask??? Of course I broke down and said yes! She guilted me into it! I hate to be manipulated into doing something because someone ELSE is too lazy!! My caseworker doesn't want to supervise and Owen's caseworker is going to be out that day this week. So, their letting Owen, Arizona and Lil' Man's aunt supervise the visit. This is the same aunt that had submitted a home study to get custody of the boys but for some reason her house was denied. I refused to transport so they offered to pick he boys up at my house...um, NO! I don't want any of their family members here! Is that wrong? No! I don't feel that ANY of them have earned the privilege of seeing how or where to boys live until they are ready to go home. Today I want to give up. Today I don't want to be a foster parent. Today I want to be DONE! The problem is I am so freakin' strong-willed that I don't want to be 'had' by the system. I want to get out of this mess with a level head and standing strong. I don't wanna go down without a fight or give up because they took advantage of me. This is SO wrong in MANY ways...

Daycare dilemma...



Lil' Man has been going to daycare 2 days a week since the middle of August. In the beginning when he was dropped off he was so happy. I think he really loves being with other children his age. He has had some incidents with biting but nothing major. Back in the end of September I changed daycare establishments. Same name, different location. Only because this new one is closer to my house. It really is a luxury for me since these boys need constant supervision and I really have no break. The teacher in Lil Man's room has raised some red flags in the nurturing department. He used to be SO happy when I dropped him off (at the old location and in the beginning of his dyas at the new location) and there was always a smile on his face. Lately he's been whining and not letting me put him down. His teacher *Ann has NOT really been one to step in and help pry him off my leg. Come to think of it, he never really cried until Ann became his teacher. His original teacher *Mary, is out on maternity leave. So, a few weeks ago, I walk into the classroom, take off Lil' Man's coat and encourage him to go color with his friends. All the kids in the class were SO excited to see him but the teachers didn't even acknowledge him. The kids were all sitting around the table coloring Thanksgiving pictures. I had to sit with him and ask for a coloring page because 5 minutes after standing there NO ONE invited him over. When Ann finally gave him a page there was no more 'boy' pilgrims for him to color. There were only girls. Now seriously, he is there only 2 days a week. THE SAME 2 DAYS A WEEK, EVERY WEEK!!! Why would they not prepare enough 'girl pilgrims' for the girls and 'boy' pilgrims for the boys. I went to the director and asked her if there was a problem and she mentioned that he has had some issues with biting. She said NOTHING to reassure me that he was doing fine and barely apologized for Ann's behavior. The next time I brought him I can assure you Ann was spoken to by the director. Ann must have taken a lesson in brown nosing because she does it SO well. She must have said good morning to me 5 times and she actually took Lil' Man out of my arms. She acknowledged him and how cute he looked. (@@ <--- eye roll) Anyway, it seems that every time I go to pick him up she has something to say. "He bit someone today", "his hair is in his face", "his poop smells" {yes, she actually complained to me about the smell of his poop!}. The last time I picked him {earlier this week} they were waiting for me in the lobby with coats on {both teachers and Lil' Man} as if I were late. NOW, I understand that they have a LONG day with many little ones but I was on time to pick him up. Even though he was the last baby to leave they should have not made me feel rushed...right??? Anyway, I am supposed to pick him up by 5:30 and I was there at 5:25. AND the kicker was...he had a dirty diaper. Now, if she had not complained about the amount he poops and the way it smells, I would have blown it off. But for them to stand there waiting for me with coat in hand and him dressed to leave it kinda bothered me. It really bothered me!!! So, question is...do I leave him there when I feel he may be ostracized for things that are completely our of his control (example- foster care, length of his hair, poop) or do I find someone else to take him so I'm at peace???

<--- This month

<--- 3rd month

<--- 2nd month

<---1st month

I know I've shared that Hope has not allowed me to cut Lil' Man's hair. I really think he needs a hair cut!!! But I'm ONLY the foster parent!!! I've had to deal with SO many people asking if he's a boy or girl and I've had to deal with his teachers complaining about his hair in his face. Either they don't hear me or they don't understand!!! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO CUT IT! So, I've been creative. I took pictures to prove my point...

It's really gross when he eats...it needs to be pulled back {like a girl}.

It's HORRIBLE when his nose is running and his hair sticks to his snot...

It keeps him from seeing clearly and he makes NO effort to move it!!! {He walks in to walls and stumbles over things in his way...cuz he CAN'T SEE!!}

Any suggestions???? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Well, it looks like someone may have been telling a very big lie. 'Hope' will not give the name of her 'friend' and was very offended when she was asked by the caseworker. I spoke to Owen's foster mom and she was a bit upset that I was so harsh with 'Hope'. It's obvious that 'Hope' called her after me and 'tattled' on me. Owen's foster mom was brought up to speed on why I feel the was I do. It's obvious that she has been kept out of the loop about many detail and now she is more informed she feels the same way I do. If 'Hope' is lying...things will change. I am thankful that my caseworker is not oblivious to what these bio parents can pull and I am able to be 100% honest with him about my feelings and concerns. Owen's foster mom made a good point. She said that we should all get together once a week so everyone is well informed on what's been going on. There are 2 caseworkers {Arizona & Lil' Man have one through the county and Owen has one through an agency} and 2 foster moms {Owen's and myself}. It is so easy for details to be lost in the cracks of communication. Not that I love a good fight or anything but I am ALL ABOUT accountability!!! I see things in black and white. There is NO grey. I am anxious to see how this plays out....

Our week was eventful...to say the least. The boys bio mom (who I have kindly referred to as 'Hope') has proved to be anything BUT hopeful. The boys visit was scheduled for earlier in the week and she actually called ME the night before to confirm the time of the visit. I rearranged my day to accommodate the visit (it hasn't REALLY been set to a specific time and day). As Arizona got off the bus he asked if we were going to see Owen (big brother...placed elsewhere) I told him that we were and his smile could have out shined the sun. This kid ADORES his big brother. SO off we went. We pulled in the driveway to find Owen's case worker and Owen ALSO waiting for Hope. Did I fail to mention that the visits have been at Hope's new apartment for the 6 weeks?? Well, here we all are in the driveway waiting for Hope. Evidently she did not show up for an earlier appointment that they had scheduled for Owen and was now not home for the visit with her boys. She WAS aware of the time and place of BOTH appointments that day because SHE called Owen's caseworker earlier that morning to confirm she'd be there. Owen's caseworker called our caseworker and he hadn't heard from her either. Owen's caseworker tried Hope and no one picked up her phone. Messages were left. I was told by my caseworker that I was free to leave after 15 minutes of waiting. For a minute I want you to imagine what Arizona (3) must have felt as pulled out of the driveway because mommy wasn't there to see him. Imagine the feelings he felt toward me!!! He kept asking "I wanna see Owen, I wanna see Owen. Can we go back to mommy's now? I wanna see Owen". As if it were my fault. I called our caseworker later in the day to ask if he'd heard from Hope. He said no. Then at about 5pm I got a phone call. It was Hope trying to explain that she was at the hospital all day with a friend who'd been in a car accident. Her friend passed away. I was honest and harsh (hey, in MY defense, she called ME!!!) I explained to her that I would NOT apologize for her to her boys. I asked her why she didn't call and get in touch with one of the caseworkers or foster parents to let us know so the boys wouldn't be waiting. I explained that the bond with her boys should have been stronger to the friendship she shared with this person and seeing that she only had 2 hours a week with her sons she should have been waiting there for US not the other way around!!! I apologized for the loss of her friend and got off the phone. I was angry. In MY mind...she should live, breathe and sleep for the visits with her sons. She should be counting down the days and preparing {all week} to see them. I was not afraid to tell her that she let them AND me down. In my book that was strike one.
I was unafraid of the consequences that I might face due to being honest with her. So when the phone rang first thing the next morning I was ready to tell the caseworker I had no regrets for tone OR the words that were used in my conversation with Hope. The caseworker proceeded to tell me that he thought I should let HIM be the 'bad guy' because I was already a threat to Hope. I understand where he is coming from and the conversation ended with a question. Did this car accident REALLY happen. Did she REALLY sit at a hospital while her friend was treated and died? Or did she just not feel like sitting with her boys for their visit... Hopefully we get answers to that question and hopefully she didn't LIE (to avoid spending time with her kids). I really hope she doesn't think she's fooling anyone. Well then yeah, I might need to change her 'blog' name...
I'm sure you can figure out what it would be...

It's been about a week since Arizona started potty training and he's doing well. It just goes to show you how much he'll do for an M*&*M :) He's had some really good days but it seems like he can't go very long without having a tantrum. The caseworker has been trying to explain that he has been living like this for almost 3 years and it will take MUCH longer than 4 months to 'undo' him. I guess that I am naive in thinking that I {alone} can heal him. I can see that he is a hurting little boy and he can't verbalize exactly what he needs or wants. I pray for wisdom DAILY but sometimes I just think that he needs SO much more than I can give him. Lil' Man has been showing his dislike of the word 'NO'. If he is told that he is not allowed to go somewhere or do something he throws a chair or toy or he kicks his feet and screams. It's a little more than normal toddler behavior but he seems a bit more pliable than Arizona.
I am CONSTANTLY reminded WHY we chose to ONLY foster babies.
Then I am quickly reminded that they ARE still babies...

Well, a countdown has begun. A while back I had this conversation with God. It went something like this...
"Well, God. I was under the impression that YOU placed this desire to adopt in my heart. It's been burning REALLY strong for quite a while. We've been fostering for 4 LONG years and, well, I was wondering...DO you have a plan or are you 'winging' it?"

:::crickets:::

OK, so he didn't quite answer me the way I'd hoped. I WANTED to hear something like this...


"Well, you've put your blood, sweat and tears into fostering and I do plan on fulfilling this desire that I have placed in you. So on **/**/09 I will place a baby boy in your arms and he will be HOME. YOU will be his family and you'll all live happily ever after."


Didn't happen...


So, since then it's been a journey {of sorts} to seek HIS will for what MY purpose in all this is. I completely adore my bio children and am completely and wholly fulfilled in being their mother. This is different. It's almost like saying I've never experienced a pregnancy or birth. I feel like I've never held a newborn. This desire consumes me. It is SO much more that just wanting a baby. It's dreaming of a child I know will one day be mine. Wishing for him to be here to look at the leaves change color...hold his chubby hand as we stroll down the street... I've often thought that maybe {just maybe} I've idealized everything about him. I anticipate the diapers, tears and long nights and I actually look forward to them. But it seems that no matter HOW MUCH I try to 'help' God by finding the perfect situation for us...it just doesn't happen. I've searched waiting child lists and emailed 'ba*by bro*kers' in hopes of finding a situation that would best fit our family. I've told EVERYONE I know that we're hoping to adopt and to please keep their ears open. You'd think we'd get ONE possibility. Nope. Not one. SO, after a few years drag by and our emotions are RAW from the loss we've experienced with fostering...I decide that maybe I need to take a different approach to it. Maybe it's not God's timing for us right now. Maybe He has something better planned. {Is that REALLY possible God? Can you REALLY know HOW important this is to me?} LoL.



I'm learning.



I've spoken to 3 different people this week about the emotions that go along with foster care. How it broke my heart to hand over the babies we cared for and tried to move on. This foster*ing thing is definitely NOT for weak. I have tried {endlessly} to pry open windows God himself must be holding closed. It comes down to faith. Do I have the right to think it's all about me? I have looked at this from different angles and I sometimes think that God has us on this journey to wrap my arms around these babies and let HIM love them through me. Is it easy? No. Knowing the pain we will go through when these boys leave makes me want them to leave now so we don't get any more attached. Then I look at it from a different angle. If not me, then WHO will be a light to the bio parents? The only Jesus they EVER see might be through me. If that is the case? What am I showing them? Am I able to love without thoroughly and without condition? No. Not on my own. But through HIM I am. I have patience where there was only tolerance. God has shown me many things about myself through this process. The only thing that I will share with you is this...I need to have HIM as my first and only and all good things will come ONLY when I am fulfilled in HIM alone. It comes down to trust. I have always heard how good God is but do I still think He's good when I don't get what I want? When I don't get what I've worked SO hard for? What I think I deserve?

Since I am human and aware that foster*ing is beginning to take an emotional toll on my family I have given God my 'notice'. My husband and I have agreed that we will continue to foster for the next 363 days. We will see the boys through the rest of their journey in 'care'. Then we will be EXTREMELY selective on the next placement we are called on. By this time next year we will turn in our license and close our home to fostering. If God chooses to bless our family through adoption BEFORE then...wonderful. If not, we are sure that IF it is to happen for us it will NOT be through the foster*care system. So now at least there is an end in sight. This gives us a short term goal to works towards and helps us move on...need be. I am numb. I don't know what else to feel. We love having these children in our home and especially watching them blossom but the emotional beating our hearts take is not worth the fighting the system. The system is set up for the bios. Not the children and especially NOT the foster*parents. SO...1 more year. The countdown has begun...

March seems so far away. I know how the system works and I know the possibility that the boys may be here longer than that. I had a bad morning and I am feeling a bit more transparent (than I normally am). I'd rather have them leave NOW and go through the pain, hurt and loss NOW...instead of prolonging the inevitable. I know it will hurt more the longer they're here. Part of me has held back from bonding because it hurts SO much when they leave. I've seen how much they regress when they are around mom and how much they really do understand the difference in 'rules' between my house and mommy's house. As far as they have both come I've seen regression in the past few days and it scares me. I know that love isn't enough but I have to completely trust God that they're here because it's HIS will for them to be here. Arizona had a horrible morning and he just got off the bus in the same mood. When he's like this he's unable to be reasoned with and he throws things and screams. When he acts like this it feels like he's been with us a day...not 4 months. I called the caseworker and he reassured me I'm doing everything I can to provide stability, routine and consistency and I am but I feel like a need a Ph*D on days like this. My heart breaks that he's hurting and I can't help him. He can't verbalize exactly what the problem is and I can only imagine the hurts in his little heart. The thrashing is scary. It looks like he's possessed. He kicks and screams until his little face is red. I don't know what to do. We've come so far only to resort back to this... What am I doing wrong??? I wish I could find what triggers this and fix it. Or at least ground myself before he's set off again. This tantrum came out of no where. People call them 'demons'... I really feel, sometimes, that is exactly what I'm dealing with.

I heard it again...yesterday. "Wow. Foster parenting must be hard. I don't know HOW you do it"

Well, frankly...
neither do I.

2 words.
Potty training.
It's an all out battle of the wills at my house over the almighty diaper.
Kicking and screaming.
Yelling and crying.

(and I'll stop when I'm good and ready!!!)

What do I mean...you ask???

Did you ever change a 3 year olds stanky diaper???

Nuf' said...

Last week I received and email regarding an adoption situation. I could barely read the email through my excitement. ***Baby boy, due soon, in another state, possible drug exposure, open adoption, adoptive parents welcome at hospital...more than $32,000.00...***

After that, I stopped reading... I could not read another word. Just tears...



I am totally positive that if that situation were God's plan for our family...HE would make a way. I guess what really got to me what the fact that it wasn't an adoption*AGENCY. It was a baby 'broker'. I have screamed, cried and yelled till I could not scream, cry or yell anymore. My heart breaks knowing that the family that has that kind of money laying around will also most likely be putting this baby in day*care. (Of course, I'm TOTALLY assuming this...) I try to understand how this can possibly be legal but then I jump back to reality and realize the world we live in is so imperfect. I am trying to come to the point where I realize that HIS plans are good and perfect and HIS timing is never late. I am focusing on Lil' Man and Arizona and trying hard not to dwell on the fact that come March my arms will be empty. I could have shared this last week but I wasn't ready. I had to come to the realization that this has nothing at all to do with me. I'm just a worker who has given the BOSS an all access pass to my heart, dreams and desires. Right now he has me (trying to) focus on these that are with me for THIS time and for HIS purpose. My heart and my head are learning to work together and trust HIM alone to fulfill the desires HE has placed in my heart. Letting go is another story... How does one completely let go?

..."They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored but when ANYTHING that shattered is layed before the Lord just watch and see, it WILL NOT be unredeemed." ~Selah

Some days are definitely harder than others with the boys. One day Arizona will be asking for his brother and they'll play for hours together and the next day I can't keep them from fighting, biting, pulling hair or throwing things at each other. I know that school has really helped their relationship. They look for each other more and have more better moments when they are together but I fear for what the future holds for the both of them when they go home. I don't think that Hope realizes what a task it will be to raise 3 boys this close in age and keep the peace in the house at the same time. I have an amazing husband and he is wonderful with the boys but Hope doesn't have this and I wonder how this will effect her parenting on a daily basis.

Lil' Man got his tubes last week and is repeating us a lot more. He still seems very angry and I know only God can heal his little heart. Arizona is learning to do many new things at school and he almost seems age appropriate in communicating his needs and wants. I do enjoy the little things that make each of them special. Arizona loves a tight hug and kiss in the morning and Lil' Man loves to be held instead of walking. I have no problem with that since I really don't know what every day life was like for them before they came here. Their personalities are revealed more with each passing day and I take comfort in knowing that whatever damage was done prior to them coming in to care can be reversed with love, time and prayer. I enjoy time alone with each little one knowing that they thrive on someone building up their self esteem. It has taken 3 months to get to this point where I know they care when I am disappointed and they know when I am proud.
Only time will tell what their future holds... While I wait to see, I'm enjoying trains, belly laughs, boy 'noises', walking with little chubby hands in mine and goodnight snuggles before bed. :)

"I am one person. How can I possibly change the world???"

That thought went through my head last night as I got Arizona up for school and encouraged him to eat his breakfast. That thought went through my head as I put him on the bus and prayed that God would protect his body and mind from harm. That thought went through my head as I waved while the bus drove away. That thought went through my head as I peeked in on Lil' Man and heard him singing in his crib. That thought went through my head as I dressed him and he hugged my neck. That thought went through my head as I got ready for my day and had 2 extra beds to make. That thought went through my head as I watched Arizona and Lil' Man play together in the bath and share the toys with hardly any fighting. That thought went through my head as I dressed them for bed and Arizona asked me to rub his tummy and kiss his head. That thought went through my head as I snuggled Lil' Man and kissed him goodnight. That thought went through my head as I closed the door on another day that God blessed me with to make a difference in the life of a child.

:::October 17:::

Here I am, checking in! We're still here. The boys spent most of last week in respite because my family and I were out of town. It was some well needed time off and I was able to sit back and reflect and clear my thoughts. The boys stayed with the same respite family as they did last time. I am SO at peace knowing the boys are in good hands. I was SO blessed to meet this family. I got a note from the home finder at D*S*S today. She let me know she got my message and will keep us in mind of a baby becomes available. (Even though we have the boys right now, we know they'll most likely be going home) This could take weeks, months or even years. God knows the desires of my heart and He knows what I can handle. I will wait on HIM! :) School is going great and both boys are really thriving. I can see changes daily and I am SO glad I did not give up on them. I will be the first to tell you that this walk 'on the beach' has not been easy. I have struggles in my faith and cried my eyes out questioning God. Sometimes He is SO quiet that I wonder if He's even here...but I know the truth. It's been Him carrying me. I am thoroughly enjoying the 'blue' aspect of having boys in the house. They both enjoy trains and cars. They push them around the house and it's hysterical to hear some of the boy sounds that they make. My girls never did this. Lil' Man is still showing alot of his anger in ways that scare me at times. I don't know how to help him heal. Arizona is starting to understand the rules of this house and is doing well with routine. His prior diagnosis of A*D*D may be wrong. He is not on any meds and if it were up to me I'd have him re-tested. I have taken most sugars and 'garbage' foods out of his diet. He is on a regular sleep routine with a nap (almost) daily. I have seen a change mostly in him since day 1. They both sleep through the night and I am thankful for that. The next few weeks I will be able to reward them with fun stuff like pumpkin picking and cider donuts. Arizona is thrilled to be celebrating his birthday in the next few weeks. Truth be told, it will be extremely hard to hand them over. It's getting harder every day to have that though go through my head. But I know that all things work together for good. So even though my human mind (thinks) it has all the answers...
my heart knows the truth!

Beck...Get in touch! I'd LOVE an invite to your blog. There is a link to my email on my profile page... Thanks :)

The only thought going through my head is...I wish I were someplace else.

Today was a hard day. I took Arizona and Lil' Man to Owen's birthday party. (Owen is their older brother placed with another family.)
Chaos.
Mass Chaos.
For anonymity purposes I will not disclose the type of party it was or where it was held. Hope was there and so was most of her family. I won't go into detail of why I feel the way I do because I am still mighty angry about the way I was treated and 'stared' at by her family. Lets suffice it to say that while I don't doubt the love that Hope has for her boys...I DO doubt her abilities to parent. After today, I feel like she is putting on a show for the caseworkers. I saw her amongst her family and was not impressed at how she left her 2 & 1 year old sons to their own devices in a public place. She and her family (hopefully one day) WILL come to the understanding that it was NOT MY actions that placed these babies in foster*care. The fact that NOT ONE of the family members that were at the party today would not step up to keep these boys from going into care makes me ANGRY! Then they have the audacity to look at me as if I'M the bad guy! Arizona threw a HUGE tantrum and I handled it just like I would if I were home. I did the best I could to 'diffuse' him and redirect and (in my opinion) I handled it perfectly. He even got to the point where he stopped crying, held my hand and walked away with a smile on his face.
The looks from the family...that's another story.

But you know what? That wasn't the worst part. I didn't HAVE to go. To be honest, I'm not even sure I was ALLOWED ( by D*S*S) to be there.
I felt unappreciated and 'dirty'.
I SO want to be done with these feelings.
I am NOT looking forward to the raw emotion when I have to hand these babies back to their mother who is not ready to parent her children.
I am not ready to worry day and night about if their needs are being met or if they'll be taken into custody again.
I am not ready to have ALL the love, time and effort it has taken my family to help heal these boys be UNDONE in an instant when I have to hand them back.
After today I can honestly say that although I am 'only the foster parent', I am NOT 100% in agreement that Hope can affectively (ever) parent her boys. She has NOT yet fully taken responsibility for her boys coming into care and right now I CANNOT give her ANY emotional support until SHE PROVES TO ME that she can handle these precious little lives. No parent is perfect...I understand that. But these boys deserve SO much more than she seems willing to give right now. That's just my opinion... But I'm 'only the foster parent'...

This past weekend was hysterical, entertaining, loud, funny and memory filled. I had my sister and her 2 kids here, my friend and her 2 kids here, my blessings, my cousin, my aunt and my hubby. So, if you counted right, that's 6 adults and 10 kids. All in my house. :) My friend who was up here had also seen the boys back in August. (About 5 weeks after they were placed with us) She could not believe the change in them in the past 6 weeks. They look more relaxed and they are both more willing to walk away from me for more than a minute at a time. I see the change in them in little things. Like how much longer they'll both stay in the stroller or how well they behave in the car for a 15 minute drive. In thrilled they're doing so well and that it's so evident to others who don't see them often. I will be making a call to D*S*S tomorrow to let our (foster) home finder know that we are open to an adoptive placement. I've called her before but I firmly believe in overkill. :) Or maybe I know of a baby soon to be born that MIGHT need a home... MAYBE!!! :) Never hurts to call...right? I went to an appointment for Lil' Man today. He will be getting tube*s in his ears next month. Hope was there and is really under the impression that she'll be getting the boys back in November. I spoke to the caseworker yesterday and he said that there is no way the boys will be going home anytime soon since she's not working her case plan. She definitely needs to be more proactive in the hoops she needs to jump through to have them back with her. I don't understand how she can be so ignorant when it comes to how D*S*S* works and what it means to work with a caseworker. It seems she is listening to everyone BUT the caseworker. I hope this doesn't back fire on her...15 months goes pretty fast.

It's been a LONG day. I'm tired. ***News...Birth mom decided to parent the baby boy we submitted an inquiry for. Not sure how that would work seeing that he was born addicted to heroin and went through withdrawal for more than a month after his birth. (I've read that it can take up to 10 months for the drugs to fully go through his system and until that time he could show signs of withdrawal) I would guess he would go into foster care. She would have to work her case plan to get him back. (So it's very possible that someone might actually be able to adopt him one day).***

Our caseworker hasn't called in over a week. I was a bit 'peeved' when at today's visit grandma asked me what I am feeding Lil' Man. I guess Hope had to change more than one dirty diaper in the 2 hours that she had them and wasn't happy. (@@ <----- that's me rolling my eyes) Could you imagine how she'd feel if she had to change him all day every day?!?!? I digress...

Some days I feel like throwing in the towel, sending the boys back to D*S*S and living the rest of my life with this desire...hoping it will dissipate. Then I realize that this is the path I should be on right now and I pray for God's grace to get me through another day. I try HARD NOT to focus on the fact that the boys are leaving but on the fact that they are here RIGHT NOW and that they need me. They need the love, stability and consistency that our family gives them. It breaks my heart to think that they might go back to the same neglect that they came from but this is when I need to be fully trusting God...that HE has them in the palm of HIS hand and HE loves then more than I ever could. My human heart is impatient. But I know that God's timing is perfect. It's been a busy day. Hopefully tomorrow will look shiny and new. Hopefully...

*****I am going public to network for help. I need input from those of you who have fostered/adopted (or know someone who has fostered/adopted) drug babies...specifically heroin. I'm looking for LONG TERM statistics (or personal experience) on taking a drug exposed/addicted baby OUT OF that socioeconomic status and raising that child with EI (Early Intervention) and proper love, nutrition and stability. Please email ANY info or links***** (email on profile)

Our week has gone well. We're definitely falling back into a school routine. The boys are doing better when they are separated. School has been an asset for Lil' Man. Since his big brother isn't here to beat on him, he is talking and engaging more and more. He is actually quite a little lovey when he doesn't have to fight for the love and hugs. :)

My husband and I attended a meeting for Arizona (2). His teacher was also there. She informed us that when she first reviewed his IEP she was a bit nervous to see if she could handle him. His behaviors that were listed made her nervous. There are only 12 students in his class. To help his teacher, there are 4 other adults (therapists and aides). She said his report make him out to be uncontrollable. Get this...she also stated that when she met him she was pleasantly surprised to see that most of what she read was wrong. Although he DOES have speech and behavior 'issues' she felt that the 'profile' was inaccurate. She also realized that he has been with us for the past 2 months and commented on what a difference we must be making. If I could tell you how good that made me feel...I would. But there are no words. I really felt that my feelings were validated. Since the boys were placed with us I have had many people tell me that maybe these boys are with me to show me that we really can't handle 2 more people in this family (let alone 2 rambunctious boys). I have been asked how we plan on helping these boys when we have our own children to take care of. I have spent many nights crying because I feel like no matter WHAT I do for them...it will never be enough. I can never fill the void of love that both of them have. I have felt that everything I do will be in vain since they are most likely going home. My patience has been tried and tested every way possible but by the grace of God I have held strong and SOMEONE has seen a difference. His teachers words MADE MY DAY. Since that meeting, now more than ever, I am sure that it is God's will for these boys to be here. I have fought for support from DSS and now I am tempted to take this report to the director to PROVE that this 'help' I have fought for has been completely validated! Not to say it's all unicorns and roses...FAR from it. But to share a happy moment...driving down the street, looking at 2 BOYS in my rear view mirror {GRIN}, listening to them singing Chris Tomlin's 'God of This City' at the top of their lungs. What more could I ask for??? I asked for 2 boys and I have them...maybe not EXACTLY what I wanted but if I learn ANYTHING through all this...it's to pray more specifically next time... :)

Back to school. It's been good for the kiddos to get back into a routine. It's been good for the mommy's ego for the house to stay clean for more than 15 minutes at a time. Arizona is in school 5 days a week 5 hours a day. Lil' Man goes to 'school' for 1 hour 2 days a week. They are both doing well with time away from each other. Lil' Man's personality is coming out more and more without his big brother around. His speech is lacking but with chronic ear infections I'm hoping a referral to the ENT will warrant tubes. Speech should pick up then. He hears and understands everything. The boys' behavior is getting better although we never go without some sort of tantrum they realize that they will not always get what they want. Respite plans have been made for the boys for next month. I requested the same person who they stayed with last time and she said yes. :) She is wonderful.

Visits are going well...2 hours a week. I'm not sure if Hope understands all the ins and outs of foster care because she sometimes requests things that are a bit 'out there'. (Who am I kidding??? I don't even understand foster care sometimes!!!) I have submitted our home study (to a different agency) for another baby and I'm waiting to hear but not holding my breath. I feel like if it's supposed to happen...it will. It's been pretty quiet here...even with 6 kids in the house. Knowing that the boys' stay here is temporary makes me very ambivalent. I am happy for their mom but still trying to keep my heart in check. Is there ever a line you don't cross when it comes to making these kids happy?? What exactly is the difference between mom and foster mom??? How do you welcome kids into your house but not show then every bit of love and affection you show your bios? How do you keep a 2 year old at arms length when you snuggle??? How do you kiss the clean neck of a 1 year old and not tell him you love him??? Ok, so reality? I know they're going home...but trying to remember that they were really never mine to begin with.

A lazy Sunday afternoon...with all the blogging in the past 2 days you'd think I have free time! Not so much. :) Only a few more days till the kiddies start school. 5 of the 6 will be gone for most of the day leaving me some one on one time with Lil' Man. I'm looking forward to getting to know him better without the competition from Arizona. I am kinda dreading setting the alarm clock again. I haven't done that since June! All good things must come to an end. We finally have a pool in the back yard...just in time for winter, here in the boondox. :) There's always next year. I am starting to implement early bedtime as of tonight! We have a BBQ to go to tomorrow, meet the teacher Tuesday with haircuts and a last girl's day out for mani/pedi's, early bedtime Tues night then...SCHOOL! It's going too fast. My babies are growing up. I try not to look too far into the future because I see my self alone. I actually enjoy having them home and at my feet. Before you know it they'll be gone. Nice downer post...huh? :*) Off to bathe the beauties!

I'm still here. I've just been quiet. I've been trying to find some interesting things to write about but when I start I just feel like it's not enough. Does that make ANY sense? If I could just be transparent for a second... I am having a hard time bonding with the boys. While I do enjoy my time with them I know that they are leaving so I am keeping my distance...I guess. I have had numerous thoughts about what it will be like to hand them back to their mother and I just can't imagine it...only because I've never done it before. What will our family be like when they're gone? Will we quickly return to normal or will we all grieve for what we've lost even though we've been adequately prepared? Will Hope keep contact with us? Will she still let us be a part of the boys life? I look forward to their life getting back to a 'normal' that is healthy and safe for them. Hope loves her boys. She is nothing like I anticipated. She is a mother that made a mistake...a mistake that she is paying for DEARLY! She wants the best for her boys. Her visits have been extended and hour for a total of 2 hours a week and she comes prepared with a smile on her face ready to make every moment count. I am proud of her for the progress she is making and I know she is only working for the moment her boys are handed back to her. My family was able to go for a long weekend without the boys. They were left with a wonderful respite family and they had a great time. It was a fun break for us and well needed. The next few weeks will be a bit chaotic with the girls and boys starting school. New schedules to learn with a new season upon us. I'm looking forward to it. Arizona will be in 'school' 5 days a week and Lil' Man only 2 hours a week. I look forward to seeing the progress they'll make. Arizona with his social skills and Lil' Man with his speech. I always say..."it's never a dull moment here in this house..." I will definitely be living up to that motto in the next few weeks!

Lately I have been arguing with God. I know, NOT the best idea. But I HAVE to be honest. It's hard. Hard to be called to do something that requires SO much LOSS. We were hardly over the pain of saying goodbye to my sweet boy Felix when were called for Daisy. The pain was still fresh but we pressed on knowing that HIS grace is sufficient. Then Daisy left and our hearts broke once again. Almost 2 months later we were called for Arizona and his baby brother Lil' man. It is a chore...DAILY to remind myself that Christ has no hands on earth now...BUT MINE. It is my job, as a daughter of the King and follower of Christ to show these sweet baby boys and their mother, HIS love. But I am human and sometimes IT IS HARD. I struggle with my desires and I know that they are God given. I know I shouldn't worry because HE will fulfill them in HIS time and in HIS way. But I want to see it...REDEMPTION. A tangible fulfillment of ALL the loss we've suffered. In my arms...my SON. MY son. MY SON. I have laid down my desires but (humanly, and quite often) I pick them back up again and carry them as if they are MY burdens that I need to 'help' God out with. I made a decision today. I have given myself a deadline. A 'fleece' if you will. We will see these boys through their time in the system and foster (choosing VERY carefully who we allow our girls to bond with) for the next 15 months. Then we will close our home. God might completely choose to blow me away...or not. I'm ok with that. This is the last time I'll be posting about what I want...almost as a reminder that it's out of MY hands anyway. I heard this song and I just sat in awe.
It's my heart...to music.

(I typed out the words so you can read them before you hear the song.)

The crulest word
the coldest heart
the deepest wound
the endless dark
the lonely ache
the burning tears
the bitter nights
the wasted years
life breaks and falls apart
but we know
these are

places
where grace is
soon to be
so amazing
it may unfulfilled
it may be unrestored
but when anything that's shattered
is layed before the Lord
just watch and see
it will not be
unredeemed

for every choice
that led to shame
and all the love
that never came
for every vow
that someone broke
and every life
that gave up hope
we live in the shadow
of the fall
but the cross says these are all

places
where grace is
soon to be so amazing
it may be unfulfilled
it may be unrestored
but when anything that's shattered
is layed before the Lord
just watch and see
it will not be
unredeemed

places
where grace is
soon to be
so amazing
it may be unfulfilled
it may be unrestored
but you never know the miracle
the Father has in store
just watch and see
it will NOT be
UNREDEEMED

now, listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfGbcjCVDOs

You'd think after a few days of no blogging I'd be back with some new and exciting news...not so much. I am still struggling with the fact that these boys are leaving but trying (desperately) to focus on helping them heal. Some days are easier than others. I have seriously thought of cleaning out the storage of little boys clothes that I have and coming to terms with the fact that it's just not God's will for us. That's a HARD pill for me to swallow...but I have no choice. I know HE has good things for me so I try (very hard) not to focus on what I DON'T have...but wholly embrace what I do have. I have seen recent pictures of Baby 'C', Felix and Daisy and it makes my heart happy to see them thriving. I take NO credit for who these little ones are today because they are ALL in loving, stable environments. It is crazy to think that Daisy only left us 3 months ago. She looks wonderful. We miss her but we are ALL sure that we made the best decision for her. Arizona and Lil' Man have started daycare. The director said they did well. Aside from when they are together...they do REALLY well. I LOVE the smiles when I go to pick them up. It gives me the break that I need while helping them adjust to being around other kids their age. It's great that the daycare has a low summer enrollment. The boys are able to get more one on one attention that they so desperately crave. Last week I had the privilege of meeting the boys' mom. For blog anonymity's sake I'll call her Hope. Only because I'm holding out much hope that a few months from now I'll be sending these boys back to her arms...for good. This will be the first time I have given a child back to their bio parent. I have tried to encourage Hope to focus on her own healing. I still see progress daily with the boys and I do have concerns that they might regress now that visits start. Time will tell. For now we focus on the upcoming events like 1st days of school and fall shopping. For those of you who know me, you KNOW how much I enjoy shopping 'BLUE'. :) More soon...

"God doesn't require us to succeed...He only requires that you try." ~Mother Teresa

I woke up this morning to 2 smiling little faces. I am blessed. I feel like I'm flying. HIS grace is enough. If you're praying...thank you. If you're not...will you??? Thank you. :)

Today, for about 15 minutes I was caught up with laundry. It's the small things in life that keep a smile on my face. :) The boys are doing well and still learning how to function in a family with rules and boundaries. I am constantly finding out tidbits of info about the boys and some things are good to know and some are not. Right now, my main focus is helping the boys adjust while keeping my family happy. Foster care is definitely NOT for the faint of heart. At times I feel like giving up but I poured my heart out to God and I know that right now THIS is the road He has chosen us to walk. For us to walk OUT of His will would be detrimental to our future. Adoption has taken a seat on the back burner for now. I am coming close to the place where I can get on my knees for the boys mom. Until now, it has been very hard for me to pray for her. Especially while I am trying to "un-do" what has been done. But I am learning that in order to help these boys heal, I need to forgive. It starts there. I am looking forward to meeting their mom. The next few months will be trying but I know that I am covered in His grace. And seriously, what's better than that??!?!?!

"Joys are always on their ways to us.

They are traveling to us through the darkness of the night.

There is never a night when they are not coming."

~Amy CarMichael

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people
So that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that YOU can do what others claim cannot be done
to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen Amen Amen

Let it be true in our lives, Lord

Ok, so...is it me or does DJ Lance from "Yo, Gabba Gabba" look like Obama???

http://yogabbagabba.com/#

Ok, for those of you who don't know what this show is...(I don't know exactly what it is either) but it's on TV. The guy in the orange hat is DJ Lance. Whataya think? Obama???

RANDOM THOUGHTS...

***I got a message from the caseworker today stating that when Owen was moved from the previous foster home when the home was closed. I think my feelings about this foster mother were right on. I'll find out more tomorrow.

***Felix's grandmother sent more pictures and I am just amazed at how good God is.
(I really shouldn't be...should I???)

***Arizona and Lil'Man are doing well. They are progressing daily.

I realized that I have focused on much of the negative part of our adjustment to the boys being with us. But if you remember..this is what I have been praying for...BOYS!!! :)
I have had to remind myself constantly that God gave me EXACTLY what I wanted. I have smiled MANY times in the past 3 weeks and it's because even through all the dysfunction in their birth home...their adorable personalities are still able to shine through. SO, I figured I'd let you in on some of the things that make me smile and their quirks that make me laugh.

Arizona is very verbal about what he wants. He has a raspy, sweet little voice and can put sentences together enough for me to know what he wants. I make him repeat EVERYTHING I say hoping to avoid speech therapy. He LOVES to be loved. If he bumps his head he looks to have his boo-boo kissed immediately. He smells me. OK, I know this sounds weird but he is always smelling my breath and my skin on my neck. He bites...hard. He loves to be read to and sit on my lap while doing so. He is stubborn...but he's 2. He loves Owen. He never asks for his mother but ALWAYS asks for his brother. He loves when my husband walks in the door. His chubby little hand always finds it's way out of mine to explore whatever is new. He LOVES to EAT!!! He is always saying "this is good' when he eats. He has tried everything put infrom of him. He is getting better at nap and bedtimes and loves when I blow kisses to him.

Lil' Man is not speaking...yet. I have been trying to encourage his voice. Slowly but surely. He loves to blow raspberries on me. He bites...harder than Arizona. I have the marks to prove it. He LOVES the bath. He loves to be on my lap and will fight ANYONE for the spot...whether he was there first or not. He is stubborn and has a very hard head.
Lil' Man goes down pretty easy for a nap. He is willing to try new things. I think he wants me to think he's tougher than his brother...but I know better :) He LOVES the swings and trampoline and will not let me help him. He is learning to be nice to the puppy. He doesn't mind being strapped into the stroller...if he is constantly being fed. His cup CANNOT be filled with water unless there's ice in the water. He eats as much as a full grown man. He has fallen asleep in my arms...once. But I'll take what I can get. :)

Not sure if I mentioned about some news. I wanted to post it for memory's sake (and obviously share it with you while doing so)...

On 7-4 these boys came into care. From what I understand Owen and Arizona were placed in one home while Lil' Man was placed in a different home. I was not one of the original homes called. Let's just say (for blogging sake) that Owen and Arizona were placed with the Smiths and Lil' Man was placed with the Jones'. Well, I have no clue why my home was not called. Not only were we empty but we had asked for children specifically in this age range. My 4th of July was wonderful but I would have loved the call. The only reason I can think of is that we would not have been willing to take all 3 boys. But they were split up anyway... I digress...

The Smith family realized after about '30 hours' that Owen was too much for them to handle so they had him moved. This is the part I need you to pay attention to... Not only were WE not called (again) but they placed him through the 'therapeutic' agency because the county (supposedly) had no available beds. (Did I mention we were EMPTY??!?) So, I brought this question up to the 'therapeutic' agency's receptionist. I asked her what does a child have to display to qualify him/her as needing a therapeutic agency? She said to me..."Honey, this is a business. There are SO many times I see these kids placed to fill a bed. Some of these kids have been placed families that will not meet their needs. If I open my mouth I lose my job". So, of course, her words have been in my head. She also went on to say that some of these kids are in their agency's care due to being hard to place or large sibling groups. Children with long term fostering needs are mostly seen through this agency. Knowing all this, I am still worried about poor little Owen. While I WILL ADMIT (yes, mom) I may be over my head right now with trying to 'fix' these 2 boys...I ask myself how I would handle 3??? But I know that if it were me I would not progress nearly enough knowing my siblings were placed elsewhere. I hope it works out that we can take him this week for a few hours. I think it would do him good to see his little brothers more than once a week. These facts have really hit me hard. I guess that and the fact that I won't hold my breath waiting to hear back from the D*S*S director regarding my requested respite/daycare. I am praying that it doesn't come down to me having to move them. I will be calling again. It all comes down to the fact that I know I have alot to offer. Not only do I have a genuine desire to help them heal but I REALLY wanted some 'blue' in this house. I know that God has a plan and I'm trying hard to see the bigger picture.

His will be done in our family and in the lives of these little boys.

Lil' Man (needs a haircut!)

Teeth that made the marks below

Marks on Lil' Man's arm from his brother's mouth!

I spoke to one of the caseworkers yesterday. I was informed that Owen was moved from his 'therapeutic' foster home to another home through the 'therapeutic' agency. My heart is breaking for this little boy. He has been removed from his brothers for the past 2 weeks and now been through 2 foster homes. Um, yeah...he's 4!!!!!!! My first impression of him was from the foster home who had him for 30 hours and couldn't handle him. I thought he was a hyper, violent child. Now I feel horrible because I have spent time with him and I know that he's just a 'lost' child who had no stability or love. When I see him, I see a baby who just needs a mother. This whole system is really getting to me. It's a business. Fill beds...send out checks. It's killing me. I am trying SO hard not to give up. I feel that no matter WHAT I do, it will NEVER be enough. Eventually, they will most likely be sending these boys home. Their mother has a caseplan to work but she can still get her act together. I think these boys need each other if they're going to thrive. I have really been struggling with the question of if I can do this. Day to day life has changed here...drastically. I have never been one to 'stay home' and Arizona and Lil' Man have really demanded my attention 24/7. Not to say that any toddler wouldn't but these boys specifically...I can't leave them alone for a second. Arizona thinks nothing of biting Lil' Man if no one's looking. They are very physical with each other (and others) if they don't get their way. It's not so easy to just strap them into the stroller and go out. I can't begin to tell you about the looks that I get from other people regarding their behavior. I stay home as much as possible. I think they feel safe here because we are consistent with 'feeding times' and routine. Being out is not that easy. They can't anticipate what will happen next. If we're at the park (or some place like that) I think it's way too overwhelming for them because they just break down. Too many decisions to make. Like I've said before I am not sure what constitutes a therapeutic foster home but I think I've come pretty close. I've been working on consistency in discipline (time out) and making Arizona use his words instead of throwing a tantrum. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have been living daily life in the grace of God. I am so thankful for your prayers. I feel them. I have been praying for peace and patience and so far so good. But I am not sure how long I can do this. Again, the selfish thought comes to mind that when this 'walk on the beach' is over...I will most likely end up empty handed and broken hearted...again. I really think that is what is hitting my family the hardest this time. And yet, I know that this is where we are called to be. It would be so much easier to just close our home and domestically adopt. I don't have the peace to do that right now. God would have to work some mighty miracles.

I have put in a request for daycare for the boys 2 days a week. Since I am a stay at home mom...I am NOT ALLOWED to have this luxury. The state will not pay for daycare services or reimburse me for services paid for. I have put a call into the director letting him know the situation and he repeated what the caseworker told me. D*S*S will not reimburse daycare expenses for a stay at home mom. I told him I NEED to either get daycare services 2 days a week (4 hours a day) or move the boys. He offered to put them in a respite home 2 days a month. I really think that the boys would regress if they had to sleep somewhere else. 2 (48) hour periods will not give me what I need AND it WILL delay the progress that they will make. The director told me "Oh, they'd adjust. After a while it will be like visiting friends". Whatever. I know the break would be good for our family but it seems that D*S*S has no desire to take responsibility for the children placed in our care. I have been told that these boys are 'normal' for what they've been through. Now you know what I mean when I say "It's a business." I have never met a 2 year old with baggage like this. I hope to hear back from the director on Monday. I have called 2 local daycare centers and they are willing to work with me in best helping the boys. In the mean time, please keep Owen in your prayers. I'm sure he is so confused. I have put in a request to have him here for a few hours once a week. I have been told that he was placed in a house with a swing set and a trampoline and the people are very nurturing.
(Let's hope so...)

Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night only to find you've been locked in your room...again?
Can you imagine crying...but no one comes to console you?
Can you imagine the darkness?
Can you imagine waking up in the morning and knowing that there will be no one to take care of you??
No one to meet your needs???
Can you imagine wondering if you really mattered?
Can you imagine that the one who should be taking care of you is comatose on the couch from taking too many pills??
Can you imagine it's your 4 year old brother that will be trying to make your breakfast?
Can you imagine the feeling of your skin when your diaper hasn't been changed in days?
Can you imagine hearing your baby brother's screams but knowing you can do NOTHING to help him because 1) he's locked a room and
2) you're only 2 and you're not strong enough to pull him out of the crib?
Can you imagine the stench of your baby brother who hasn't been changed in DAYS???
Can you imagine a 2 and a 4 year old throwing things out a 2nd story apartment window because there's no one to tell them not to?
Can you imagine what might have happened if someone wasn't brave enough to call the police?


Can you imagine???

Can you imagine a family sitting down to dinner and praying for 2 more seats to fill their table?
Can you imagine the desire this family has to make a difference in their community...or in the world?
Can you imagine the sheer JOY when a phone call is made asking if that family can handle 2 more kids for a while...specifically BOYS?!?!
Can you imagine the adjustment period for this family when these boys have been emotionally starved???
Can you imagine the love they need after being neglected??
Can you imagine a 2 year old saying breakfast was good??
Can you imagine waking up to the same person EVERY morning and realizing that THIS is how life should be?
Can you imagine being carefree and playing on the swings?
Can you imagine the second someone smells your dirty diaper...you're changed?
Can you imagine giving complete control of your well being, and the well being of your baby brother, to someone else?
Can you imagine a baby not asking for his mother?
Can you imagine how much loss a 4 year old would feel if he couldn't be with the brothers he worked so hard to take care of?


Can you imagine?

Can you imagine trying to get between 2 fighting brothers who have never had discipline??
Can you imagine the bruises?
Can you imagine wanting to give these boys a home, forever, only to be told they'll most likely move on???
Can you imagine the hurt?
Can you imagine what the boys must be thinking about this world?

Can you imagine?

Can you?

I thought of new blog names for the boys.



The oldest brother we'll call Owen. (Only because he looks like my friends son and they almost named him Owen)



The older of the 2 boys that I have we'll call Arizona. Only because it's what I've almost called him MANY times in the past 2 weeks.



The baby brother we'll call Lil' Man. Only because of the way he moves his mouth and it reminds me of a Lil Old Man. :)



Ok, so there you have it. Owen (4), Arizona (2 1/2) and Lil' Man (1 1/2).

I woke up this morning and my 1st thoughts were "God, please give me YOUR grace to just get through today. That's all I ask...one more day.". Yesterday was a hard day. My husband seems to think it's because of the update on Felix and that my emotions are getting the better of me. Almost like what we missed out on. It could be. But like I said before...I feel inadequately trained to deal with the emotional problems that Arizona and Lil' Man have. I keep saying it seems as if they have been emotionally starved. I don't know how else to put it. If Arizona is on my lap , Lil' Man tries to climb up and bite Arizona. If Lil' Man makes it onto my lap...Arizona kicks him in the face or tries to push him off me. There are many bruises on my body from trying to referee their fights. While I DO see progress everyday, I still cannot put them in a shopping cart, strap them in a stroller or car seat or take them anywhere if they'll have to sit for longer than 3 minutes. We have had to choose church according to which nursery can accommodate them through out the WHOLE service because there is NO way they will be able to sit through worship without running through the church. I am so thankful that the church we recently started attending has accepted these boys and is willing to work with me in best helping them. Another thing that has been hard for is seeing my girls suffering. It is their summer and we have been unable to go anywhere because I cannot put the boys in a stroller. Like I said, everyday has been getting better but we are not yet at the point to which I can take the kids to Si*x Fl*ags because the boys won't sit in a stroller. I can't even go to the grocery store because Arizona won't sit in the cart without screaming his head off. I really should wear a shirt that says "Please don't judge me...I'm a foster parent". I can tell from their behavior that Arizona and Lil' Man have not done alot of what we consider normal in our day to day life. I spoke to their caseworker earlier today and asked if there was any way I could get a 2 day a week reprieve and put them in daycare. I was told that since I'm a stay at home mom the chances of the commissioner approving this is unlikely. He said they're trying to keep costs down. I told the caseworker to give the commissioner my phone number. If we are going to keep the boys here I will need that break. Our only other option is to have the boys moved to another home. My desire for these boys is to see their hearts healed and watch them grow up to be secure little men of God. I know this has been a time of adjustment but maybe this is God's way making me aware of my limitations. I want to give them the stability and love they need and deserve but I cannot do that without a support system. It gets me a bit angry that Soci*al * Servi*ces would rather move the boys to another home where they KNOW they'll wind up in daycare ANYWAY. I guess it really IS about the almighty dollar. Reality is, I'm not sure how much longer they'll be in care. It could be a week, or 6 months. I'm, of course, basing my decision on how I feel right now. If it were September and the girls were in school, I think the adjustment would have been easier. As a Christian, I can't imagine these boys going to a home where they would be more loved on then they are here. But I think these boys need much more than just love...Or maybe it's juts more than I can give them...

Please pray. Today has been a very hard day. I am comtemplating alot and I don't like the thoughts coming from my overwhelmed head. I need peace and sanity. (and a cleaner house but that's another blog post all together...) The boys are napping and I'm waiting for a call back from their caseworker. I miss being caught up with laundry, weeding my garden and reading uninterrupted. There have been too many bruises, broken toys and ripped books in the past 2 weeks and I'm tired. Tired of trying to heal them. I KNOW I asked for this...I PRAYED for this. But they'll NEVER be MINE. I am investing my heart (x2) for the next 15 months and I'll end up with...nothing. Nothing but emptyness...again. I'm not in the "foster parents make the world a better place" kind of mood today...can you tell? PLEASE pray...

I woke up Thursday morning to the MOST AMAZING gift...EVER. Felix's grandma sent an email and a picture. Can you feel the sheer JOY through my words?!?!?! He is gorgeous

(I knew he would be) and he is now 18 months old. My heart has been flying with this gift she has given me. I have spent many minutes during the past few days staring at his picture. I know that God must have a plan as to why he's not with us and to know the outcome of this whole journey would be wonderful. Things like this make it a bit easier to get out of bed in the morning and keep doing what I'm doing. :) (pictures removed for privacy)

It has been a pleasure to watch these boys learn how a family works and follow our daily routine. They obviously crave structure and praise. Not to say it's been easy. There are MANY times when I want to pull my hair out of my head...piece by piece. But I know they're trying. While I was looking for blog names for them someone suggested I wait to see their personalities...then get something from that. If I did this their names would be
"Time Out" and "Climber". (I may have to rethink the blog names of Hewey, Dewey and Lewey. Not only because I can't keep them straight but also because I think the actual D*is*ney names are spelled Hewey, Duey and Louie.) I digress...

While I was waiting for the boys I had these elaborate dreams of what we'd do once they were here. We have done a lot but it seems as if there isn't enough hours in the day. We are still learning a nap schedule and bedtime routines are coming together nicely. I had the privilege of staying during yesterday's visit with their older brother and paternal grandparents. My heart breaks that these 3 boys cannot be together but I know that God has not forgotten about them. After playing with the 3 of them during the hour visit I was wishing I had another bed in my house and a bigger car so I could keep them together. This boy (I was told) is extremely aggressive and very physical with his brothers. It didn't seem like this to me. He was easily re-directed with firm words and apologetic if he did something wrong. It seems that he was also the 'caretaker' while mom was 'unable' (unwilling...whatever). Yes...um, he's 4. It kind of baffles me that I was the one on the floor playing with them during the GRANDPARENTS visit. Grandma just sat there telling us all kinds of stories of why she didn't take the 3 boys. The boys that are with me gave their hugs and said goodbye but older brother was bawling. I have this crazy feeling something is not 'right' in the therapeutic home where he is placed. I think he is the youngest in the house only because when we said goodbye outside he was already in the (very full) car, crying hard, and no one was consoling him...not even the foster mom. I mean...seriously...the kid is 4!!! He's a baby that was trying to be the adult and his whole world has been turned up side down in the past week and a half. I have already asked the caseworker if we could take him home with us after next week's visit for a few hours. I hope I'm not opening a can of worms... I would never knock another foster parent but something doesn't seem right. New blog names to come... :)