That Saturday...

Last Saturday was bio mom's first unsupervised visit with Jaden and Doc.  The plan was for Jaden's foster mom and I to drop off the kids at a gas station for 9:30am and bio mom would pick them up in a cab. She would then get them down to her house for a 4 hour unsupervised visit and the cab would bring them back up to us for 2:30pm where the other foster mom and I would be waiting.  I got there at 9:20 am and bio mom was there with the cab.  I waited until Jaden and Doc were secure in their seats and left.  It was a very quiet morning.

I got there for pick up around 2:20pm.  About 10 minutes later the other foster mom showed up with her husband and pulled beside my truck. We waited for 15 minutes discussing how easy it would be for bio mom to 'run' with the kids.  The cab finally pulled in at 2:46pm.  By this time I was a bit peeved that my Saturday was dwindling away and I felt to set boundaries and let bio mom know that this was NOT ok.  I got out of the car and said "This is not ok. You're 15 minutes late and I understand that you want time with your kids but this is MY Saturday too. It's MY time with my family and I'm spending it here waiting for you. I'm not very happy right now" It took all of 3 seconds for her to be in my face and nose to nose with me, so close that I could smell her breath. She said "Do NOT talk to me like that. Do I drive?" I said "Well, you should have planned your time better." Trying to avoid and further issues I went to open the cab door and get Doc out.  She them inserted herself between the cab and I and she asked the cab driver what time he picked them up. He answered that he picked them up at 2:20pm. I said "So you gave yourself 10 minutes for a 35 minute drive...POOR PLANNING".  She was yelling and cursing and I was just trying to get Doc and leave but she went around the other side of the cab and got Doc out. She yelled to me "and DON'T tell MY daughter she can't change her clothes when she comes to MY house.  MY house MY rules".  At this point Doc was hysterical crying and clinging to bio mom.  Bio mom took this opportunity to say "I'm sorry you had to see your foster mom talk to me that way. Does she talk to YOU this way? Is THAT why you don't want to go back to her house?  She looks at me at said "SEE?? Now she doesn't want to go with you!?" I rubbed Doc's back and said "C'mon Doc. You did nothing wrong. I'm not angry with you. Let's go back to the house and have a good day."  It took a minute for her but she came to me and I put her in the car seat and closed her door. Bio mom pat Jaden on the head and got in the cab.  She was screaming from the cab but I only caught her say "It's ok Doc.  I'm working hard to get you back.  You'll be home soon. And foster mom?! You won't have my daughter anymore!"

I closed my window so I don't know what else she said but as soon as I calmed Doc down I called the agency on call number and explained everything. The on call worker told me to follow up with my worker on Tuesday as it was a holiday weekend. As I pulled in the driveway my daughter came out to say that someone from the agency left a message.  I called her back and it seems that bio mom called her and I called on call. Both workers are from my agency and they had already spoken so again, I was told to follow up with my worker.  I spoke to Doc about what happened but I didn't blame anyone.  She pretended an alien got her voice and didn't talk for almost an hour.  The worker who left a message called me back about 45 minutes later and told me that bio mom called her again demanding that Doc be moved from my house immediately. She alleged that I was physical with her, that I was using profane language with her and that I ripped Doc from her arms. The worker had already spoken to the other foster mom and she said that if anyone got physical...it was bio mom.  She said I didn't even raise my voice aside to talk over bio mom. The other foster mom told the truth and I'm so thankful she was there because if she wasn't it would have been MY word against bio mom.  The worker said she pacified bio mom with a promised visit to see Doc and make sure she was ok...which meant we had to wait for the worker to show up at the house an hour later around 5pm.  My (Satur)day began at 9:30am and ended at 5:30pm.  I was a bit offended that they pacified bio mom by coming to my house. My character at my agency for the past 5 years should speak for itself.

Unfortunately, I had all weekend to brew and be angry. I spoke with my husband and we decided that since my agency won't have my back that I need to set boundaries.  I WILL NOT be available for Saturday visits anymore.  It is family time and since the agency workers and county workers aren't working...neither am I.  I also decided that I WILL NOT be able to transport Doc to visits or counseling where bio mom will be because I will not put myself in a situation that she can allege something happened.  She is mentally ill. SHE initiated Doc be moved here. We are Doc's 4th move in 2 years.  Did I mention she is 5?  I spoke to the supervisor and HER supervisor and told them my new 'boundaries' are to keep my family and I safe.  If they need to move Doc...so be it.  She and Sprout are constantly fighting and when you try to explain the lack of 'peace' in our home I usually her something patronizing like 'that's why we value our foster parents' then I hear 'well, that's what you signed up for'.  Not sure how this will end but I can tell you that the lack of peace in our home right now is hard.  Everything we know as 'normal' has changed.  I really value the foster homes that can take older children.  This is really our first time having an older child (than 3) in our home.  It's not easy. There are many emotions that go along with foster care.  Right now, I feel like I HAVE TO do what's in the best interest of my family. Court is this coming Wednesday.  Bio mom has requested she get Doc (and only Doc) back. I can't imagine what that will do to Jaden when he hears that bio mom is only fighting for his little sister.  I feel we have so much to offer Doc but 
AT WHAT COST?  

Doc

Instead of calling her 'Leah'...I've decided on the blog name 'Doc' for this new little one.  Not only does she have medical needs but she also reminds me of the Disn*ey character Do*c McS*tuffins.  Her diagnosis is Complicate Single Ventricle,  Heterotaxy syndrome, Scoliosis, Restrictive lung disease and asthma. Basically, she was born with only part of her heart.  Due to her heart issues, she is TINY. Like 29 pounds and the size of an 18 month old. She has a LOUD mouth and strong feet when she's stomping in her tantrums though. She was moved here from another foster home and will most likely be returned home to bio mom.  She screams when she doesn't get her way and she tantrums often. She is constantly fighting with Sprout but school starts in a week and by then we should have a normal routine.  Hoping I last that long...PRAY FOR ME. Lol. 

P.S.- My 4 year old Sprout starts his 2nd year of pre-school one week from today. He'll take the bus and be there every day for 2 1/2 hours.  Time flies...

Got a call...

***'Leah' is now 'Doc'.

On August 13th I got a call for respite. Not sure if I've blogged about it before but this isn't the first time I was asked to take this child.  She has medical issues similar to Baby Love and her worker (same worker Baby Love and Smiley had) thought that we'd be a perfect match.  The home finder asked if I'd take her for respite for the coming weekend because the agency is working with a skeleton staff and many foster parents were either away, unwilling or unable.  I hesitantly said yes. Leah was discharged from the hospital to our home for her 10 days of respite.  We could only take her for the weekend then I'd pack her up and send her to another home for the last 7 days.  I'd been warned of how tiny she is and how fast I'd fall in love.  She walked up to the front door and was the tiniest 5 year old I've ever seen. She is wearing a 3T and is only 29 pounds. (Sprout is my 4 year old son and he is wearing a size 5 and just about 40 pounds). 

Leah was only born with half of her heart.  She used to have a feeding tube but it has been removed. She has scoliosis and it's pretty severe.  Her asthma flares up every once in a while but for the most part she's healthy.  Leah is a very talkative, VERY bright little girl.  She isn't shy and she is very aware of what foster care is and aside from learning the names of the people in my house she was a very nice house guest.  She is on the track to reunification and is allowed to speak to her bio mom twice a day. The agency worker thinks that Leah will home in 6 months.  If not, TPR will HAVE to be filed because her and her brother have been in care almost 2 years.  Leah and her brother were initially placed together but because they didn't interact well and his impulsivity, they had no choice but to separate them.  (Not sure how bio mom will handle them both when they are reunified).  Her brother, Jaden, is a year older than her almost to the day.  Earlier this summer, I was asked to take both of them for respite but didn't feel comfortable breaking our rule of 'no older children than Sprout' in the home.  This time around, knowing they separated Leah from Jaden made it a bit easier saying yes.

The weekend went well. She and Sprout played and because we had nothing planned, we just sat by the pool and relaxed. We colored, went to church, watched movies and ate dinner out one night. I didn't want to do too much with her not only because she'd just spent 5 days in the hospital and she needed to stay quiet but I also didn't want her to think that respite is a party.  Too much fun here would have made it really hard for her foster mom when she returned home. I spoke to bio mom just to fill her in on how things were going and bio mom asked me if we'd take Leah as a permanent placement.  I explained that things really don't work that way and that she's placed with 'Betty' and I was only her respite home. Bio mom thanked me for taking such good care of Leah and the next morning I packed up her things and dropped her off with the worker.  Later that day, the worker texted me to ask if we'd take Leah as a placement.  Bio mom really liked the things she was hearing from Leah, she liked that I took the time to do her hair and loved the fact that I actually got on the phone with her to discuss her daughter.  She wanted her moved here. 

SOOO, after much consideration, family meetings and prayer...we've decided to take Leah.  I had questions about school, transport for visits and the biggest question was what if bio mom stopped working her plan.  I have no intention on adopting this little girl.  The agency worker ASSURES me that this bio mom will not stop fighting for her kids.  Her track record is good and they should be home very soon.  There are reasons that the agency feels that our home would be better for Leah than Betty's...I won't go into that but for the most part, I agree.  So, she's in respite until Monday and after her visit she'll be brought back to Betty's for the night to get her things.  She should be here this week. 

***'Leah' is now Doc.