dreams

I dream a lot.

I know I don't remember every dream,

But a lot of them are really vivid.

And I enjoy telling Matt all about them the next day.

I'm sure he's very interested every time I tell him all of my detailed craziness!

Last night's was really weird.

We've been having the flu over here for the past 2 weeks or so...passing it on and then cycling through the family again.

Lovely.

Matt's stomach hurt last night.

I said sorry.

Then we went to bed.

While asleep,

I dreamed my stomach was hurting REALLY bad.

I couldn't make it stop.

I was pretty sure I was going to throw up or die or something very scary like that.

I was sitting in a chair and Matt, my mom, and all these other people were leaning over staring at me.

I said I was fine...

When all of a sudden,

My stomach started to move

and this little foot pushed on my stomach until you could see the entire outline.

It was an odd little foot with like seven toes.

I was totally freaked out.

I just stared at Matt and said

"I'm pregnant?!"

Then I cried.

When I woke up the next morning I was so confused.

I had to ask Matt if I was pregnant.

He informed me I was not.

Talk about a freaky!

Cupcakes

Ellie is incredibly active, and lately, incredibly crafty.

I've been trying to do an activity with her each day.

It was going pretty good until we all got sick.

Now we have to try to get back into the swing of things.

My mom always cooked with me when I was little.

I remember it was so fun.

But now that I'm the mom...

It's really hard!

Ellie wants to be such a helper, but all I tend to see is the HUGE mess

and the crazy looking lasagna with a handprint in it that we're supposed to eat,

or the brownies she just sneezed in.

The germs cook away, right?!

So...

For one of our first activities, I decided we'd make cupcakes.

Ellie's way.

I thought it would be a growing experience for us both.

It was.

Can you guess what her favorite part was?

She loves sprinkles so much, they are even one of her very special snacks!

They're very filling.

And what was I doing?

"Breathe, Rachel, Breathe...yes cupcakes are supposed to have that many sprinkles!"

And while Ellie sprinkled away, Tripp sat on the floor.

Very angry.

Very jealous.

He wasn't eating the scrumptious sprinkles and no one was holding him.

It was Ellie's time.

So like any good mom would do, I took a picture of my very jealous, very hungry baby.

Sprinkle time was over.

She was so proud!

They did look very pretty.

Then we sang Happy Birthday.

'Cause that's what you do when you make cupcakes.

And Then...

She ate the tops off.

It's the best part.

You should try it.

And you can give the bottoms to your very jealous, very hungry baby.

It was a good activity.

No one yelled.

I still managed to eat a few...

Even if she did sneeze on them.

And I'm just fine.

She loved it so much.

She thought they were the most beautiful cupcakes ever.

And I love that she had fun.

On the mend

Well...

I think we got all the sicknesses out of the way and are good for a while now.

Today is the first day I feel like we're back on a schedule and feeling normal for the most part.

You wanna hear what happened?

I bet you do.It's long, but I'm sure it's worth it.

So.

back-tracking a little bit...

Ellie was pretty much all better.

Tripp was getting worse.

When I went to bed on Thursday night, I told Matt I felt funny.

That "funny feeling" was the flu.

Ya...really not fun.

I threw up all night until 10:30 in the morning.

That was unpleasant.

Then about 11:00, I got a high fever and decided I wanted to go back to throwing up.

My body ached SO bad and nothing I did helped.

By about 11 at night, I was feeling better.

My wonderful husband stayed home from work in the morning and watched the kids.

He's very patient.

He gets me anything I need.

He even locks the door so the kids can't come in.

He's the best.

When he went to work at Berean, my mom came to watch the kids.

She's the best mom!

She played with the kids the whole day.

They loved it and talked to her A LOT!

Ellie was so excited that Mema answered all her "Why" questions!

AND...

She cleaned the whole house and did the laundry!

WOW!

I told her I should get sick more often.

So, the next day (Saturday) I woke up feeling pretty good.

No more flu, just very exhausted.

Matt was really tired and felt a little sick.

Tripp looked even worse, so we took him into the doctor.

He had to get an x-ray.

It was a horrible strappy contraption x-ray holder.

He screamed.

I cried.

He ended up having RSV and double ear infections.

I had no idea.

I thought it was just a bad cold.

Don't we get the parent award for the year!

He had to get an antibiotic shot, ear drops, another antibiotic, and nebulizer treatments.

Yucky.

AND...

When we picked up his stash of medicine at the store, the pharmacists said the Albuterol in the nebulizer treatments might make him hyper.

I looked at my poor half-asleep baby and kind of smiled, thinking...he's so sick, I don't think anything would make him hyper right now.

Umm...I hate Albuteral.

They need to explain the definition of hyper.

Aggressive, angry, laugh attacks followed by huge temper tantrums, and zero sleep.

Does that sound like "hyper" to you?

This drug needs a big bold warning on the front if it.

My poor babies were turning into serial killers before my eyes.

Tripp would be playing and all of a sudden get really angry and scream forever.

I would try to calm him down and we would get this evil look in his face and scratch me everywhere.

He tried to bite me.

He's never done that.

It's not very productive anyways when you have three teeth all on the bottom.

I popped his mouth.

He scratched me.

I put him in his crib.

Ellie had to take a few treatments just for preventative measures.

She was just evil.

Laughing one minute.

Screaming the next minute.

So angry and mean.

I let Matt deal with her.

We went back to the doctor for a checkup.

They are both fine now.

Which means...no more treatments!!!

I am so happy.

Really though,

I'm so glad Tripp wasn't worse.

Having him sick with something so serious was scary.

And I'm thankful they are both better.

So we look a little bit more like this now.

I'm a big fan!

******

And thank you mom and dad and Don and Kathy for helping us while we were getting better.

It was a lifesaver!

SICK

It got us.

Almost our whole small group has gotten the flu.

We hadn't gotten it yet...

I was hoping it skipped us.

Nope.

Very high Temperatures

Yucky croupy coughs

But...

no throwing up

or

loosy poopies.

And I'm really thankful for that!

Maybe it's coming, but for now...

They are just miserable looking.

And so tired.

Tripp could barely stay up to eat his oatmeal for lunch.

When I was done putting him to bed, I came into the living room to find this little miss fast asleep.

Poor babies.

Hopefully lots of naps, Tylenol, and cuddles will help them feel better soon.

Questions

Ellie is full of questions.

She loves to talk.

All the time.

A lot of it is just ramblings...and very funny.

Lately, they have been so deep.

Some I even struggle how to explain to her.

How do we get to heaven?

Can I take my special valentine from Ava with me?

Why did Cora's body stay at church if she is in heaven?

Do I get to take my skin with me?

I really want to see Cora and Baby Moseph (Moses).

I miss them so much.

Why did Jesus die?

Those soldiers were mean to him.

He should kick them.

Naughty soldiers.

Will you hold my hand when we go there?

I might be scared.

So many questions.

And these were all at once during one bedtime story.

I tried to give the right answers.

I think it's hard to give the right amount of information so it doesn't just go right over their head.

So my answers...

No you can't take your skin with you, or the valentine's card.

Jesus gives you a new special body when we get to heaven, and he lets us keep your old body so we can remember you.

Yes you can see Cora and Baby Moseph (I've also informed Ellie that Moses grew up and didn't die in the basket as a baby...but she doesn't believe me).

They will be so excited to see you.

And I would love to hold your hand when we're in heaven.

Jesus died so that we could go to heaven and see him and be with him forever.

And he is very special because after he died, he came back to life again.

He went back to heaven so he can be there when we go to heaven.

She was really interested.

And she asked how we can get to heaven.

All I could think was holy cow...this is it.

Is she old enough to know and remember asking Jesus into her heart?

I was three, but it seems so little.

So I told her how we can know we will go to heaven.

You ask Jesus into your heart and to forgive your sins, and obey him and follow him.

And then we can go to heaven when we die and be with him forever.

Her answer...

That's silly mom...giggle...giggle...giggle.

Then we are like the sheep?

"Yeah-then we are like the sheep."

She sure is full of questions.

Such big questions.

She's seen a lot of hurt for being so little and it has impacted her more than I thought it would.

It's hard.

I want to shield her from seeing such pain.

But sometimes it's good.

She tells me a lot she wants to see Jesus.

She can't wait to play with Cora again, and tells me all the time how fun it will be.

I love that she's so excited to be in heaven.

That's what it's supposed to be like.

What child-like faith.

She is such a blessing to her momma and daddy!

Never look ahead to the changes and challenges of this life in fear. Instead, as they arise look at them with the full assurance that God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. Hasn't He kept you safe up to now? So hold His loving hand tightly and He will lead you safely through all things. And when you cannot stand, He will carry you in His arms.

Do not look ahead to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you His unwavering strength that you may bear it. Be at peace, then, and set aside all anxious thoughts and worries.

Francis de Sales

This was the quote on Jess's blog yesterday.

I needed to read that.

"Don't look ahead at what may happen tomorrow."

"Either he will shield you from suffering or he will give you His unwavering strength that you may bear it."

Those two sentences really stuck out to me.

I'm not good with death.

I worry a lot about losing the people I love.

Every morning when I was little, I would run out and give my dad a kiss and hug before work.

Just in case he didn't come home.

I feared losing anyone.

When I was a teenager, two of my friends died in separate car accidents.

They were distant relationships by then...young childhood friends from Iowa.

They were still hard.

Hard enough that I knew I would never want anyone closer to me to be lost so suddenly.

Well poop on my great idea.

God had other plans.

Cora died a year ago yesterday.

It's has been incredibly hard.

It's hard to watch every family member work through it differently...we have all been changed.

It's been hard to watch Ellie grow up without playing with Cora.

It's been hard to watch Ellie knowing Cora will never be a three year old running around...that makes me feel guilty sometimes.

It's been hard for me to watch Tripp grow up and get closer and closer to the age Cora was when she died.

On Tripp's first birthday, I cried when no one was looking.

Out of grief for Cora.

Out of guilt that I had a healthy one year old.

And because I didn't realize how scared I had been to one day wake up and find out he had cancer. It was like a twisted graduation that he was finally one. But I was so relieved.

When the kids get sick, I cry.

I can't even think of the flu or ear infections not leading to something potentially deadly.

I have hope in Christ.

I am so glad I can again see Cora.

I'm so glad that Jess and Joel and Levi will be joined together again when they see her.

Knowing that, and also knowing how it feels to lose, makes me long for Heaven.

No pain...No suffering...So sin.

They mean a lot more to me than they did a year ago.

But the fear that grips me seems to block out a lot of the hope.

I would much rather have the hope and knowledge of going to Heaven when I die without having to lose someone I love.

But going through this makes it deeper.

You can't fake it and have a cutesy hope with a smile on your face.

You lean on God and that hope...because nothing else can get you through.

So,

"Don't look ahead at what may happen tomorrow."

"Either he will shield you from suffering or he will give you His unwavering strength that you may bear it."

They take on a whole new meaning.

I would never choose to go through something like this.

And I will also never be able to control the outcome of the lives around me.

God chooses to not shield us from suffering sometimes.

That's what makes me fear.

Trusting God doesn't guarantee Matt or Ellie or Tripp won't die.

It means He will give me the unwavering strength to bear it.

I need that.

As a constant reminder...A Lot.

So I'm going to try not to be fearful.

I'm going to try to be more like the person God wants me to be...

Instead of the fearful basket-case I tend to be.

And I am going to HOPE in the Lord. And His unwavering strength.

Jup

Jup is my pretty amazing, awesome little brother.

Some people call him Jacob or Jake, but I prefer Jup.

My sister couldn't say Jacob, so she said Jup...and it stuck!

He is kind of quiet and internal.

He's really funny.

He makes me laugh a lot!

I really like talking to him.

He's really fun to hang out with.

He even goes shopping with me...who doesn't like that?!

And he's good at matching things and knowing what's in style...very helpful!

He has a cool car too.

We are four years apart.

When we were little, we hung out together all the time.

I was home-schooled, so we were home together all day.

I guess we were kind of like little best friend siblings!

We played outside making tree forts, putting st

icks in giant ant hills....seriously, they were more like ant mountains! Ucky.

A few times, we even made little carriers for our kitties so we could run around with them strapped to us! It was very handy.

And now that we're older, I guess the closeness kinda stuck.

We still enjoy each other.

We have fun together.

And now, my little brother is a senior.

I love living here again and knowing more of the daily things that go on with my family.

It's fun to not just call and get updates...I can actually be involved a little bit more!

And because of that, I was able to take his senior pictures.

I'm not exactly what you would call a professional.

When my brother asked if I would take them, his com

ment was...

"Could you take my senior pictures? I just don't really care how they look or how good they are, so I thought you could take them."

Ahhh. Doesn't that just melt your heart?!

I was nervous though. I don't know any photography tricks.

I just really like pictures.

And his faith in my skills was not very comforting.

But I was determined to have him like them.

There just had to be a few good ones in the hundreds I took, right?

And at the very least, they would be unique.

So...off we went!

It was really fun.

We got to talk.

We found old dirt roads and bridges

and even a train yard! He LOVED trains when he was little.

And we got to go to oldtown.

I really like it there.

I think he liked them.

And it was fun to practice some more.

Here's some of my favorite ones.

And this...

was his all time favorite picture.

Out of all the ones we took!

I don't get it.

But I'm glad he likes it!

I love you Jup!

Thanks for letting me do your pictures!

Snow bunnies

Ellie has been loving the snow lately!

She got to play with Dad on Sunday.

He's so much fun!

Me..not so much.

I'm the "I'll watch you from the window and clap" kind.

And the "documentor with pictures" kind.

They're a little fun...I promise!

So...I diligently documented some of their fun.

And they started throwing snowballs at me.

While I was in the house with the door open!

And guess who got to pick up all the snow inside the house?

That's right...not the fun people throwing them.

Little stinkers!

They are cute though...I'll give them that much.

When they came back inside,

Ellie had a whole bunch of snow in her hair and on her face.

I asked if she fell in the snow...

She said, "No, Dad threw me in. I made an Ellie print!"

They are much more fun than snow angels!

I love it when they play together! They are so funny!

Ellie's Art Studio

When Ellie woke up from her nap yesterday,

Matt surprised her with a little painting "studio!"

They spent the whole afternoon together painting and cleaning up the shop.

She had a blast with her daddy!