Blogging about blogging

When I first started my blog years ago it was completely anonymous. I didn't post any photos of myself and if I blogged about anyone I knew they had a nickname. No one that I knew, knew about my blog. It was like a secret diary on the internet that I only shared with strangers.

Over time I slowly started telling people I trusted the most about my blog but I begged them to keep it a secret too. I was still trying to find my blogging voice and I was writing about things that I didn't necessarily want to share with a lot of people.

I was also going through a lot of growing up and life changing moments and my blog was my place to let out all of my emotions.

Now my blog is what I call semi-anonymous. I still only tell some people about it. I don't promote it on facebook. I have photos of myself and people who approve of being posted about.

But I'm on the fence about crossing that line... I have pondered lately about taking the leap and putting it all out there.

I am still so undecided about it because sometimes blogging can be the BEST therapy and I don't want to censor what I say incase people I know may read it and be offended or insulted or know too much about me.

How do we know when it's okay to take that step??

...

There are going to be times in life where you feel really down on yourself. Where it seems like nothing is going right and you just aren’t happy.

We need these times.

I believe that if we don’t know how it feels to be down in the dumps and on the verge of depression, we can’t fully comprehend and appreciate the feeling of actually being happy and content.

Since the beginning of this year I have been feeling down. The little energy I have had was directed to the Get Fit Challenge I am organizing at work. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I lead a lunch time work out and I have to be that positive voice to keep everyone motivated. I am a good actor apparently because outside of the image I put on at work for everyone else… I didn’t feel so positive.

I was in a funk. I didn’t leave my house unless I had to. I didn’t hang out with any of my friends. My best friend pretty much had to beg me to go for coffee earlier this week. That’s not the normal me.

I lost sight of the light in my life. I felt like I had nothing really to look forward to when I know that’s clearly not the case. I hibernated in order to not face the rest of the world, even the people who love me the most.

I went to a yoga class yesterday for the first time in about 3 years. During the class… I cried. The instructor read a quote at the beginning of the class about being present in your life and making every action count like it would be your last act on this earth. I realized I haven’t been LIVING the last 2 months. I’ve just been. I breathed deeply, listened to the instructors’ voice, listened to my body breathing and felt energy surging through my veins. And then I felt the tears flowing down my cheeks. I felt more alive and present and valuable than I have in a long time. I walked out of the class feeling rejuvenated. Like someone re-lit my inner flame.

A new month starts tomorrow and I feel that it’s finally my start of 2013. Let’s go.

Pondering...

Lately I’ve been feeling bored, like I am supposed to be doing something. Maybe this feeling has come over me because for most of 2011/2012 I was helping my best friend plan her wedding. It took up a lot of my time and thought. At the same time I was in the beginning stages of a new relationship. Any time that wasn’t spent working, or helping my friend, was spent with him.

Now that the wedding is over and the boyfriend and I have moved in together I feel like I have all this free time on my hands and I don’t know what to do with myself.

I could take up a hobby but to be quite honest, I am on a strict budget right now with a goal of being debt free at the end of 2013 in my clear vision. Also I REALLY want to go to BiSC in May and on a vacation with the man somewhere too so any extra money is being put into vacation funds.

This feeling has got me thinking.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon at a friend’s house with a big group of people watching the Western Final CFL game (Go Stamps!!). Some of our friends brought their kids. I ended up getting distracted from the game and spent most of the afternoon playing “shopping” and “hairdresser” with 2 of the little girls there. I was in heaven.

So all last night and this morning I kept thinking about my age. And how if certain events in my life turned out differently, I could probably be married by now with a baby or two.

Is that why I am feeling the way I am? Should I have kids already? I feel like I am no where near ready for anything like that. But I just wonder…

The One Where I Recap the Craziest Year of my Life.

I started WIM about 5 years ago now and every year I write a post in December recapping what came about in my life that year. 2011 by far was the craziest year with the most extreme highs and extreme lows I have ever gone through.

Lets recap shall we?

January

- Planned on starting 2011 fresh from all the craziness that happened in 2010 and spent most of my time going to the gym and I even started training again to do another triathlon.

- It didn't last long because...

February

- slipped on the ice on a random Monday, broke both bones in my lower left leg. Had to have emergency surgery and have a steel rod and screws put into my leg. Couldn't walk for the next 2 months.

- A week after breaking my leg, I was "let go" from my job. (illegally).

- Lost most of my independence (or at least it felt like I did), at 27 years old I had to have my mom help me in and out of the shower, and I even had to have my roommates help put my socks on for me when I was cold because I couldn't bend my knee. Having one leg broken, the other being used for balance and both arms and hands being used to hold yourself up on crutches is hard. its damn hard.

- Spent the rest of the month on my couch, pretty much depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

- A few weeks after breaking my leg the disastrous Tsunami in Japan happened. Since all I could do was sit at home anyways and watch TV, I watched A LOT of the news coverage. The very next day I got my sorry ass up off the couch and realized that I had only broken my leg. I was going to recover and everything would be fine eventually. I had no reason to be depressed. A million and one worse things could have happened to me. I could lost my entire world around me like the people in Japan. Or worse, my actual life. From that point on I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and I was going to take advantage of every day.

March

- Spent most of the month recovering. Tried my best to get around on crutches. By the end of the month the doctor told me I could try to walk again.

- Attempted to apply for jobs but it was really hard to apply for jobs when i was having issues getting around and still couldn't drive either.

April

- Still limping around, I started working shifts at my part time job. It worked out well for me as they were short shifts and it made for an easy transition back to working.

- The opportunity to go to Bloggers in Sin City in May came about. I had tried to convince other blogger friends that I know to go with me but there were no takers, so I did what any unemployed smart person would do... I booked a flight and at the very last minute registered myself to go to Vegas with 67 strangers. I didn't know it at the time but it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

May

- My best friend of 15 years got engaged and I was blessed enough to help her now-fiance plan a big surprise and pull off what was a romantic and extremely sweet proposal/engagement party. (read this for more details).

- A few weeks later I got on a plane, a little scared (okay... more than a little) and went to Vegas to meet some A-MAZING people!! I feel that that trip gave me my spark back. I felt like I had lost a little of myself over the last few years and doing something that spontaneous and kinda crazy gave me my zest for life back.

June

- One of my very close friends told me she decided to move back home to Ontario in a month. I didn't take it very well at first. And then...

- The very next day my other very close friend told me she was leaving her husband and going to move back home to Montreal, THAT DAY. I was torn because I knew she was unhappy here but I was devastated to learn that another person in my close support group was leaving.

July

- I finally got a full time job and things started to look like they were getting back to "normal" for me. Boy was I wrong...

August

- In one weekend, (yes... all in one weekend) a friend of mine who is married confessed that he was in love with me and told me that he wanted to leave his wife and that entire part of his life to be with me. Although I care deeply for this friend I would never do that. Ever. Then later on that exact same night I went out to celebrate a friends birthday and ended up meeting someone that would completely steal my heart.

- I spent the rest of the month falling head over heels for him.

- I also ended up going for coffee with my old roommate/ex-best friend who I really didn't want anything to do with BUT her and I are both in my best friends wedding party together and I needed to clear the air between us. I would say it was semi-successful. Things are civil now which is great but its not like we are friends again.

September

- This new guy who stole my heart... broke it. Then stole it again. Then broke it once more.

- I went to Las Vegas again with my family to celebrate my moms 50th birthday.

- I surprised my dear friend who lives all the way on the other side of the country by showing up for her bachelorette party weekend in Niagra Falls.

October

- I let myself to get over the heartbreak that took over my summer and ended up meeting someone new. Someone wonderful.

November

- Went to Toronto to attend the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen let alone could even imagine on my own.

- I reunited with 3 of the sweetest, most genuinely beautiful and kind souled women I have ever known. (3 lovely ladies that moved across the country from me over the last 2 years).

- Most importantly I learned that no matter the distance between you, true friendships will prevail.

December

- I turned 28 and was blessed by all the love that surrounded me.

- Had what was probably the best Christmas ever.

- Realized that the best part of my year was the last 2 months... and I'm hoping the magic continues on into 2012.

Pro's and Con's

Here I am. Still jobless and still unable to walk.

Yet the whole situation has its pro's and con's. Lets break those down shall we?

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Pro - I don't have to wake up before the roosters anymore and I get to sleep in all day if I want.

Con - As fun as that sounds, it gets boring as hell. I'm not the kind of person who sits around all day and does nothing. I went from working 2 jobs, working out 4 to 5 days a week and having a very active social life to NOTHING overnight.

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Pro - I don't have to go to work and deal with all the crap I had to deal with before.

Con - The lack of money coming in.

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Pro - I don't miss an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil.

Con - I've noticed a lot of my sentences are now starting with "Well, Dr. Phil says..."

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Con - The lack of socializing has put any dating life on hold for the time being.

Pro - I have no stress about dating. There's no "OMG! What if he doesn't like me?" or "What does he mean when he says this or that?" or "I hope he calls". I have none of that right now and its great! All my time is spent on ME!

Hmmm... maybe that also has something to do with the Dr. Phil-isms....?

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Pro - I have all this time right now to really think about what I want to do with me career/job situation. I feel like this is the time to take chances and really go for what I want in life. It can't hurt right?

Con - I'm still not clear about what I actually want...

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BIG PRO!! - 2 more weeks and I can start to try walking again (with the support of crutches still) and once I can walk and drive again I am going to focus more on my job hunt. I'm seeing the glass half full now and focusing on the fact that I'm THAT much closer to being back to a normal life instead of sulking and feeling sorry for myself.

Do blondes really have more fun?

Ive been thinking about changing my hair color and thanks to the magic of the internet I can see what the colors would look like with out having to make any decisions/mistakes.

So my lovely bloggy friends, I would love to know your opinions.

This is what my hair currently looks like.

Do i take it DARKER? A la Angelina Jolie/Katy Perry

Or maybe a little more reddish... a la the Little Mermaid? LOL

Or... do I make a drastic change and go BLONDE!!!

A reminder for myself.

I wrote this poem over a year ago. I was on my way to work and the words just kept coming. As soon as I got to work a grabbed a notepad and just kept on writing. I was at an eye-opening point in my life and I knew that things were changing for the better.


Live.

When you least expect it
You’ll feel the spark.
It will pull you in from the cold,
Shine light into your dark.

Sights, sounds, tastes,
Will all seem brand new.
You can face the world with your head held high
… Confident in you.

But how? You wonder.
How can you make this be?
Take a long look in the mirror
… See what I see.

Every wrinkle, spot or line.
Every freckle… all part of a design.
It’s what makes you who you are,
What makes your face different than mine.

Can you just imagine,
What’s deeper inside?
Every feeling, every heartbeat,
Everything your body can hide.

No one else can be you.
They can’t even try.
So again, look in the mirror,
Take a deep breath and sigh.

Be true to yourself.
Be true to your soul.
Wake up every morning
With an exquisite life as your goal.

Let the past be the past,
Tomorrow is a new day.
Start with loving yourself
And your life will change in everyway.

The days are getting shorter… and the nights are getting hotter…

In a blink it became fall in Calgary. In fact it might have just happened while I was at work today. This afternoon I was driving from one job to the next (I work 2 jobs… I’m hard core like that…) and I noticed that there were yellow leaves just sprinkled everywhere.

(its doesnt look like that QUITE yet here... but give it a week and I'm pretty sure it will...)

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fall. I love turtlenecks and boots and scarves and everything orange, but I felt like these golden drying out leaves were taunting me… whispering in cute little voices “winter’s coming… la-la-la… no more summer for you… la-la-la”.

Those little bitches.

Anyhoo… although the fall and winter are sadly just around the corner, I am very much looking forward to the many nights I will spend snuggled up with The Fisherman. Drinking wine, watching Entourage and/or just enjoying each other’s company. It may be colder outside but I can guarantee you that I will be kept warm!

Whaaaa????

Ummm I think I’ve lost my job, without actually losing my job… yet.

Are you confused? So am I.

Ok here’s the scoop. So as I've mentioned before, the company I work for is lame and I want to leave. Three other people (out of six) have very recently quit. I have been on the job hunt for a while now but haven’t found the right new job yet. After all of the other resignations my supervisor (the one I mentioned here…) pulled me into her office and asked me if I was happy working there. Now although she can be a biotch at times, she is not the owner of the company and I feel like I could confide in her if needed. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I was planning on leaving. I couldn’t lie to her. I told her that I was actively looking and that I will be leaving (hopefully) somewhat soon (for reasons which she said she completely understood). She also told me that whatever she and I talked about in her office that day wouldn’t leave her office.

She lied.

She went and told the owners that I was planning on leaving. Fuck.

Now, my position there is not one that is easy to replace or train for. So in a panic she started interviewing for my position… which I hadn’t even quit yet! She then pulled me into her office last week and told me that they had a plan. They found someone they want to hire to replace me, and they want me to give my 2 week resignation from that position and then stay on as a “floater” until the end of October if needed. The pros for me are that I am guaranteed work until the end of October and that I can leave at any point with no notice if I find something after my 2 weeks is up. The cons are if I don’t find something by the end of October… I’m so screwed!

So somehow they are letting me go… but not really.

This just adds to why I hate working for this company and why I can’t wait to get out of there. So pray for me blog-land. Pray I find something AMAZING before the end of October!

Serenity... who knew it was possible?

Yesterday after work I came home and before heading out for a drink with some friends I took some time to snuggle on the couch with my kitten (who is quickly turning into a cat and no longer a kitten).

I was laying there all sprawled out. Jeopardy on in the background, kitten purring and intertwined thru my arms and took a deep breath.

I was so compeltely content and I realized its because I have absolutely no drama in my life. None, nada, zip, zero, nothing.

And I made it that way.

I realized that I took all the things in my world that were stressing me out and I either fixed them or got rid of them. (The job change is still in the works but its not stressing me out). I took the necessary steps to make MY life better. Along the way, some didn’t understand and eventually were no longer part of my life. Others stood by me and not only supported me but pushed me to make the positive changes I needed to. It was hard at times. It was eye opening and it was definitely an emotional roller coaster. But now I am happy. Blissfully happy.

Recently something came up that put my “growth” to the test. It was a he-said-she-said situation regarding someone very close to me. At first I didn’t know how to react so I took the advice my dad has given me for years. “Before you act, take 30 seconds to really think about it”. I took more than 30 seconds, I took a couple of hours. And eventually made the right reaction decision. A year ago I would have just reacted and, in this specific situation, probably caused some uneccessary comotion. Instead, because I took the time to think before I acted I chose to react in a way that dealt with the issue head on and in turn left no drama for me. Once the air was cleared and everything was sorted out, I knew I made the right choice.

I'm not trying to give advice in this post, or brag about how happy I am. That’s not my intention at all. I just want to put it out there that positive changes can happen when you make them happen. We cant control the world around us, the only thing we can control is our actions and reactions to the world around us.

The $hit is gonna hit the fan…

Here’s the scoop.

I hate my job.

I hate the company that I work for.

I love the people I work with (most of them).

I work for a construction company. It’s a fair sized company but there are tons of employees who work on site and aren’t in the office very much. In fact there are only 6 people who work in the office and do the administrative work. I am one of them.

Last week I had an interview with a WAY BETTER COMPANY to do a WAY BETTER JOB. My interview went really well and I am (fingers crossed) supposed to hear from them on Tuesday to know if I got the job. If I get it, I will be giving my notice a.s.a.f.p. (as soon as freakin possible!).

Here’s where the shit on the fan comes in. The girl who works beside me had a great interview somewhere else last week and found out today she got the job! She is planning on giving her notice on Friday. Then out of no where today at a meeting, we found out that one of the other ladies gave her resignation today. THEN because our receptionist is my work BFF (and outside of work BFF) and tells me everything, I know that in 6 weeks (after her wedding) she is giving her notice as well.

So the team of 6 is going down to 2 all in a matter of weeks. The 3 of us that will be quitting over the next few weeks had a moment of “oh crap… they don’t know what’s about to hit them” after the meeting today.

Well (insert current employer name here), Karma is a bitch!! Maybe if you treated your employees better and not like your slaves they wouldn’t all run.

I might be getting ahead of myself as I haven’t even GOT the new job yet… but keep your fingers crossed for me!

Friendships

A while back I was talking with a friend about how much our friends and circles of friends have changed over the last little while. How we have been trying to hold on to friendships that we have had since we were 11 years old. Some of those friendships are very difficult and yet we try our best to make them work. She told me something that her boyfriend told her and it really struck a cord with me. 

He said something along the lines of "Look at my circle of friends. How many of them did I go to high school with or have known forever? Maybe one or two of them. Thats because when we are young our friends are chosen by location and convenience. As in our neighbours, or school mates. We didn't have a choice, now we do." 

This made a lot of sense to me. Especially since I have outgrown half of the people I was friends with in high school. Think about it, when we were 7 the only other kids we interacted with were the kids in the neighbourhood and the kids in our class. That's it. Those were our options. Now maybe some of those kids grew into wonderful people we actually have things in common with and should be friends with. But maybe not. Maybe we just stayed friends with these people because we thought we were supposed to. Its not like we had jobs at that age and met new people all the time. Its not like we had cars and could drive across the city to hang out with a new friend. We depended on our parents and our surroundings. 

I am 26 now. I have a world full of people I could be friends with. I opened my heart and mind to meeting new people and because I opened up I met amazing new friends through blogging and through work. Friends that I would do anything for and tell anything to. Friends I trust and admire and respect more than they could ever understand. Friends that I met because I stepped out of my comfort zone. 

Its an exhilarating feeling... 

Out With The Old And In With The New.

If you haven't noticed already I've made some big changes to the bloggity-blog. 

I've been writing Who Is Mich? (WIM) for about a year and a half now and ALOT has gone down. A lot of things that are amazingly wonderful like meeting fantastic new friends (in person and over the internet) and yet there are a lot of things that happened over the last year and a half that I would like to forget. 

Okay... maybe not forget, I mean they were life lessons and all but things that I don't necessarily need reminders of. 

As part of the changes to WIM I will be deleting all old posts over the next few days. So if there is anything you wanted to re-read one more time (or 10... whatevs! There are definitely some juicy stories on here) this will be your last chance. 

Its time to move on to the next chapter. 

(ps - I'm still tweaking and altering the new layout so expect a few more changes over the next few weeks until I get it just the way I want it)