26 candles...

 Today would have been my sister's 26th Birthday...

... I hope there are cupcakes and balloons in heaven today.

It's the little things...

Like spending the afternoon with your Grandma putting up the Christmas Tree. 

Seriously, how cute is she? 

There are some wounds that even time can't heal...

Its been 8 1/2 years now since my sister died. Most days are bearable and I can get through them without the heart ache getting to me.

Most days are normal.

But every now and then, days like today come around.

Today I was out doing some early Christmas shopping when I wandered into HMV, why I just don't know. I wasn't going in there for anything particular and lets be honest, no one buys CD's anymore. Yet somehow I found myself wandering the aisles.

I came across 2 CD's that I picked up and walked around with in my hands for a few minutes. One was the Mariah Carey Christmas album. I ended up putting it back. I know exactly why too. Her song "All I want for Christmas", although my favorite Christmas song of all time, always comes on the radio exactly when I need it to. Many times when I am all alone.  It was our Christmas song we shared and went ballistic for as kids. It usually fills me with such a mixed emotion of happiness and sadness that all I can do is cry. I felt that I needed to leave her with that opportunity to send me messages from heaven.

The other CD was Shania Twain's Greatest Hits. Random right? It was on sale for $8.00 so I bought it excited to rock out in my car to some country. When I got back to my car I literally couldn't wait. Before I even left the parking lot Shania was blasting in my car.

Then the unexpected hit me. I completely lost it. Not even a minute into the first song I picked I was crying. A rush of pain I couldn't fight off. Hearing an old song we used to have living room dance parties and sing-offs to broke me. It was like someone ripped my heart wide open and all the sadness and feelings of emptiness that I suppress on a day to day basis came pouring out.

It's been over 8 years and when one silly song comes on... it still hurts. It hurts so much that no matter how many words I put into a blog post I could still never express it. There's a loneliness.. a hole where her presence is supposed to be. I know with out a doubt that she watches over me and is with me in spirit but it will never be enough.

All I want is to be able to call her on the phone and say "guess what I bought today!!! We need to go on a road trip so we can listen to it together like we used to". Every single day there is something I want to tell her about. Every single day I wish I could hear her voice... and mostly her laugh. I feel like I am forgetting what they sound like.

As I write this post, I have the Shania CD playing on repeat in the background and i've had to walk away from my computer 4 times now because what I am trying to type out is so hard to put into words that I literally want to puke.

I guess time doesn't heal all wounds...

The One Where I Recap the Craziest Year of my Life.

I started WIM about 5 years ago now and every year I write a post in December recapping what came about in my life that year. 2011 by far was the craziest year with the most extreme highs and extreme lows I have ever gone through.

Lets recap shall we?

January

- Planned on starting 2011 fresh from all the craziness that happened in 2010 and spent most of my time going to the gym and I even started training again to do another triathlon.

- It didn't last long because...

February

- slipped on the ice on a random Monday, broke both bones in my lower left leg. Had to have emergency surgery and have a steel rod and screws put into my leg. Couldn't walk for the next 2 months.

- A week after breaking my leg, I was "let go" from my job. (illegally).

- Lost most of my independence (or at least it felt like I did), at 27 years old I had to have my mom help me in and out of the shower, and I even had to have my roommates help put my socks on for me when I was cold because I couldn't bend my knee. Having one leg broken, the other being used for balance and both arms and hands being used to hold yourself up on crutches is hard. its damn hard.

- Spent the rest of the month on my couch, pretty much depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

- A few weeks after breaking my leg the disastrous Tsunami in Japan happened. Since all I could do was sit at home anyways and watch TV, I watched A LOT of the news coverage. The very next day I got my sorry ass up off the couch and realized that I had only broken my leg. I was going to recover and everything would be fine eventually. I had no reason to be depressed. A million and one worse things could have happened to me. I could lost my entire world around me like the people in Japan. Or worse, my actual life. From that point on I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and I was going to take advantage of every day.

March

- Spent most of the month recovering. Tried my best to get around on crutches. By the end of the month the doctor told me I could try to walk again.

- Attempted to apply for jobs but it was really hard to apply for jobs when i was having issues getting around and still couldn't drive either.

April

- Still limping around, I started working shifts at my part time job. It worked out well for me as they were short shifts and it made for an easy transition back to working.

- The opportunity to go to Bloggers in Sin City in May came about. I had tried to convince other blogger friends that I know to go with me but there were no takers, so I did what any unemployed smart person would do... I booked a flight and at the very last minute registered myself to go to Vegas with 67 strangers. I didn't know it at the time but it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

May

- My best friend of 15 years got engaged and I was blessed enough to help her now-fiance plan a big surprise and pull off what was a romantic and extremely sweet proposal/engagement party. (read this for more details).

- A few weeks later I got on a plane, a little scared (okay... more than a little) and went to Vegas to meet some A-MAZING people!! I feel that that trip gave me my spark back. I felt like I had lost a little of myself over the last few years and doing something that spontaneous and kinda crazy gave me my zest for life back.

June

- One of my very close friends told me she decided to move back home to Ontario in a month. I didn't take it very well at first. And then...

- The very next day my other very close friend told me she was leaving her husband and going to move back home to Montreal, THAT DAY. I was torn because I knew she was unhappy here but I was devastated to learn that another person in my close support group was leaving.

July

- I finally got a full time job and things started to look like they were getting back to "normal" for me. Boy was I wrong...

August

- In one weekend, (yes... all in one weekend) a friend of mine who is married confessed that he was in love with me and told me that he wanted to leave his wife and that entire part of his life to be with me. Although I care deeply for this friend I would never do that. Ever. Then later on that exact same night I went out to celebrate a friends birthday and ended up meeting someone that would completely steal my heart.

- I spent the rest of the month falling head over heels for him.

- I also ended up going for coffee with my old roommate/ex-best friend who I really didn't want anything to do with BUT her and I are both in my best friends wedding party together and I needed to clear the air between us. I would say it was semi-successful. Things are civil now which is great but its not like we are friends again.

September

- This new guy who stole my heart... broke it. Then stole it again. Then broke it once more.

- I went to Las Vegas again with my family to celebrate my moms 50th birthday.

- I surprised my dear friend who lives all the way on the other side of the country by showing up for her bachelorette party weekend in Niagra Falls.

October

- I let myself to get over the heartbreak that took over my summer and ended up meeting someone new. Someone wonderful.

November

- Went to Toronto to attend the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen let alone could even imagine on my own.

- I reunited with 3 of the sweetest, most genuinely beautiful and kind souled women I have ever known. (3 lovely ladies that moved across the country from me over the last 2 years).

- Most importantly I learned that no matter the distance between you, true friendships will prevail.

December

- I turned 28 and was blessed by all the love that surrounded me.

- Had what was probably the best Christmas ever.

- Realized that the best part of my year was the last 2 months... and I'm hoping the magic continues on into 2012.

28.

Yesterday was my 28th birthday.



I’ve learned that by the age of 28 you know who is important in your life. They will be the ones to call you to wish you a Happy Birthday, even if it’s just a 30 second phone call from across the country. They know that hearing their voice for those 30 seconds will make your day. The people who care will send you a birthday card (an actual physical one you can hold in your hand and have for years). They will put in more effort than just a facebook wall post. That one phone call or one card is a million times better than 50 wall posts.

I’ve learned that age is nothing but a number… and although that number is getting higher, so is my count of amazing memories and times of laughter with the people I love.

I’ve learned that broken hearts heal. And that when you question, even for a second your importance on this earth God will send you a sign to remind you just how special and loved you truly are.

I’ve learned that you are going to have to deal with rude, stupid, ignorant people in your life but you have to do just that, deal with them and move on. It will make you stronger in the end.

I’ve learned that just because I have a blog doesn’t mean I have to post anything. It’s my own little corner of the internet and I can post whenever and whatever I want. On that note… I’ve also realized that this is my blog and I shouldn’t have to censor what I write incase certain people read it and they don’t want to be mentioned. Guess what… you are/were in my life and if you were part of something I feel like blogging about I am going to do it. Deal with it. If you don’t like what I have to say then stop reading.

I’ve learned that you can’t ever predict what life is going to throw your way so be prepared for curveballs. It’s what makes it all interesting.

I’ve learned that love can move mountains.

And most importantly I’ve learned that it will all be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, its not the end.

What have you learned in your time?

This & That Summer Recap (so far...)

Oh hey there...

I've been completely MIA from the blog world over the last 2 months because I have been insanely busy and more importantly soaking up as much summer fun I possibly can.

In short form:

- I finally got a new job and its fantastic!

- I get to walk home everyday from work for about an hour which makes me so ridiculously happy. I get to soak up the sun, I get to work on strengthening my leg (mostly my knee at this point), I get to de-stress and listen to my music in my own world after work everyday. Needless to say its brought my happiness levels up about 20 notches.

- Two of my dear friends moved away to the other side of the country. Two. With in a month. It sucks the big one because they are amazing, wonderful, loving friends and I will miss seeing them as much. But... Love Liberates so I will love them if they are here, or if they are on the other side of the world.



- I have been going to summer festivals, and swimming again, and running, and rafting, and hiking, and enjoying every possible outdoor/physical activity I can do at this point.

- I booked a few trips including one to Vegas with my family for my moms 50th bday next month.

- I fulfilled my teenage dreams but seeing NKOTBSB in concert and it was insanely fun. To the point where I lost my voice the next day from screaming of excitement.

- I've started helping my best friend plan her wedding.

- I have seen Horrible Bosses twice already... its epic. GO SEE IT NOW!!

- I have a million other things I want to blog about but I can't... some days (like today) I wish my blog was still anonymous so I could just spill it all. But in time I will...

- Also, I may have met the most special person I will ever meet in my life... more on that later...

There are signs everywhere... pay attention to them.

Yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally as it is every year (read yesterdays post to understand why). I went to church in the morning for my best friends baby's christening and then after that I called my family to see what they were doing. My parents and grandparents were outside of the city visiting the accident where my sister passed (I have never been out there to this day and I don't plan on it anytime soon, she didn't LIVE there so I feel I have no need to see it, also... I don't want to see the place she died, I think that image would haunt me forever) so I made plans to have dinner with them when they came back into town. This left me with a few hours to kill on a Sunday afternoon alone. I decided to go to the mall.

I was in a store trying on a whole bunch of pants and getting really frustrated because nothing was fitting right. After what was probably the 15th pair I got flustered and threw them on the bench and said to myself "Why am I even here??? Why am I in this stupid change room??"

Weird right? Who asks themselves "Why am I in this change room?"

I started putting my own clothes back on when I saw something shiny stuck between the bench cushion and the mirror. I picked it up and it was a loonie (that's a $1.00 Canadian coin for you American readers). I didn't think much of it and put it in my wallet. As I was putting my wallet back in my purse I stopped, hand still on the wallet, and had this strange feeling come over me that I NEEDED to look at the coin. It almost felt like there was a hand or something stopping me from taking my hand back out of my purse.

Now, I have heard many times that coins can be a sign from "the other side" but never had any situations before that made me believe it... until yesterday. (google coins from heaven if you have never of heard of this before)

I took my wallet back out of my purse and took the coin out to look at it.

The year on the coin was the year my sister was born, 1987.

I sat and looked at it for a few minutes and realized... that's why I'm in this change room. My sister knew how much I was missing her and she needed to remind me that she's still here watching over me.

I called my mom right away and cried.

Believe what you want, but in my heart I know the significance of it. Also... I am keeping that coin in a separate pocket of my wallet and I never plan on spending it.

"Although, the sun will never shine the same, I'll always look to a brighter day"

7 years.
84 months.
364 weeks.
2555 days.

Thats how long it has been.

7 years ago today I lost the younger version of me.
My sister.

One would think that after 7 years it would be easier to write a post like this but as I write this tears are streaming down my cheeks.

As I look through her pictures deciding which ones show her cute little dimples and her spirit the most, I can't help but break down crying. It's day 2555 with out her. Every single one of those days I have wanted to call her and tell her something about my life.

I always wonder what she would be like today?

She would be 24 years old now. She was taken from this world at 17, before she became an adult. Before she ever had the opportunity to get married, or have children... or even graduate high school.

She never knew what it was like to work for any place other than a restaurant. She never knew about blackberrys or twitter or my blog. She never knew about Avatar or So You Think You Can Dance or Lady Gaga (yet I know she would love all of those things). She never got to see me complete my triathlon. She didn't get to come and watch movies all day with me when I broke my leg. I never got to take her out to celebrate her 18th birthday or buy her a drink and dance the night away with her. She never had her first apartment. Or her own pets. Or her own car.

There's a million things she never got to experience. But she did however, get to be my little sister for 17 years. She got to experience 17 springs, summers, winters and falls. 17 birthdays. 17 wonderful years with countless memories.

17 years is not enough... but its what we were given with her and I cherish every single one of them.

I miss her yesterday, today, tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life. Although the memoires of her get me through, the void will never be filled.

These are a few of my favorite things! - Vol. I

Danish Coin Pendant Necklace.

My Grandma and I are very close, very much alike and if I turn out to be half the woman she is, my life will be complete.

A few months ago I was over visiting with her and she was trying to decide on which jewelry to pack for the cruise she and my Grandpa are going on. That, of course, turned into her going through ALL of her jewelry for 2 hours. She came across a little pink velvet satchel and didn't know what was inside. When she opened it she said "Oh my! I haven't seen this in years!".

Turns out it was a Danish coin turned into a necklace. Back in 1963, when my grandparents still lived in Germany, my Grandpa had to go to Denmark for work. He bought this for my Grandma when he was there and she wore it for years but when they moved it got packed away and forgotten about.

I was taken by the necklace. By its simplicity and uniqueness. I kept asking more and more questions about it. She put the necklace in my hand and said "its yours now".

I wear it all the time (seriously, chances are if you have met me I am wearing it). I love that its something that no one else has. I love that its from my grandparents who I adore and admire beyond words.

(heads)

(tails)

(the coin rotates inside too which is a bonus because I'm always playing with it!)

Ps - Leah? Nat? Does the white hand look familiar?

Untitled

I honestly don't think I have ever cried as much before as I have over the last 6 months with Leah moving away, Work BFF moving away, The Fisherman break up and now this...

(take a deep breath and write Mich...)

My best friends 15 year old sister recently passed away in a tragic sudden accident. Long, painful story short she had a seizure when she was in the bath tub. She was under water for an unknown amount of time and was in the hospital on life support. After a week, her family had to make the heart wrenching decision of taking her off life support. She passed shortly after.

This hits home to me on so many levels. Not only is this a story of a young beautiful girl who lost her life way too soon, but its my best friends family. Someone who I have known for over 15 years and consider her family to me.

But I think what makes this the hardest for me to deal with is the fact that I know exactly what my friend is going through. And I cant make it stop.

I know the painful decisions she has had to face and the long road she will go down to deal with this grief. I know it all too well because I went through it. Losing my sister in a tragic car accident at 17 is so similar to her situation its scary. All the questions and wishing you could do something to take it all back...

All I can do is be there for my friend and her family, try to not let all the reminders of what me and my family went through get to me too much and most importantly make sure my friend knows that I know exactly what she's going through. She doesn't even have to try to explain it.

Why I believe in mediums, psychics, and the other side.

I’m a skeptic, especially when it comes to “the other side” or anything regarding communicating with spirits. So when my mom asked me to go see a medium with her a few years ago after my sister passed away I gave her a look of “have you lost your mind??” and then realized that she didn’t lose her mind, her heart was shattered and she was looking for some sort of comfort. So I told her I would go with her for support.

On the drive there I was the acting adult and told my mom “don’t feed her information” and “make sure she doesn’t take you for a fool and scam you for more money”. As I said… I was skeptic.

When we got to the mediums “office” (by office I mean home), we met a younger lady. She seemed normal. No scarves wrapped around her head or Spencer Pratt gems hanging anywhere (click on that link… its worth it) She just had a table and some candles burning. She welcomed us in and said that my sister “wasn’t there yet” but she knew we were coming because she had been around the medium all day. I rolled my eyes and sat down. The three of us (medium, me and my mom) just started talking about how it would work and mid-sentence I swear I felt shivers like I have never felt before. It felt like a head to toe ZING!! It was to the point where I sat straight up in my chair and looked right at my mom. She said “did you feel that???”
The medium said “your sister is here”.

(To this day I have only felt shivers like that once more, it was when I was driving and I honestly burst into tears after).

Still not convinced that the medium was for real (she could have had some A/C blasting or something… people are tricky) I waited for her to start talking. My mom asked a few questions and the answers seemed pretty general and nothing that made me really believe in it.

Not until my mom said “did she like what we did for her funeral?” (my poor mom… so distraught and confused… she didn’t know what to ask). The medium replied and said “yes, she was there in spirit, you know she was**. She’s telling me everything was beautiful and that she really liked her… socks??” The medium sort of laughed at that point thinking that it was a ridiculous thing to say but my mom and I knew why… When we had to choose the clothing for her to wear we chose very simple black clothes but we secretly chose bright rainbow colored toes socks. No one in the entire world knew that except me, my mom and whoever dressed her at the funeral home.

** We knew she was there because the power went out at the moment everything started to get too serious. And during the funeral it was the loudest thunderstorm ever, it actually sounded like they were moving furniture in the room next to us, as soon as the funeral was over, I mean the SECOND it was over, when the car got around the corner, the rain stopped and the brightest rainbow came across the sky**

The medium also said “she’s showing me a cross necklace with a stone in the middle” (exactly what she wore)… “and a ring…” when she said ring she pointed to her middle finger on her left hand. But not where you would wear a ring normally, it was half way down her finger before the knuckle.

At the funeral when my family and I had our last moments with her before closing the casket my little sister took her hand and put a ring on it. It was too small to fit so it sat half way down her finger… on the ring finger of her left hand.

Again, no one except my family knew that.

That’s when I believed.

She told us some other very personal things. None of which I could really explain. When my mom and I left, we didn’t speak to each other on the drive home. We both just sat there in deep in thought. The only way I can describe the experience is creepy, yet comforting.

I have had some other eerie moments over the years when I just knew deep down it was my sister letting me know she’s there. It truly helps me to know she’s always watching out for me.

Love.

"Fathers who believe in their Daughters give them the courage to succeed".

Happy Fathers Day to my Papa-Bear and all the other amazing dad's out there.