Wired

So, I go to a nice touchy-feely church that I picked because it's full of the gay, and participates in the really great Our Whole Lives sex-ed curriculum. Yes, sex-ed at church. Yes, with actual education. Because someone needs to talk to your kids about sex, and most kids would rather it was not their actual parents. So instead there's this curriculum that talks about anatomy, and puberty, and self-respect, and different relationship types, and intimate violence, and birth control, and disease prevention. At least in the upper grades. For the elementary kids I think it's more about self-respect and questioning gender roles.

Aaaanyway. That's Our Whole Lives. And one of the things they do for the jr. and sr. high kids is have a day of alternate sexuality. Or something. I'm not sure what they actually call it in the curriculum. In my head, of course, it was Big Gay Sunday School. I had volunteered to come be the token bisexual. Also present were a gay man who worked at a youth health clinic, a transgendered man, and a woman with a horrifying life story that ended with her happily partnered with a woman, but her husband, who she was married to for 17 years, hasn't spoken to her in 20, and she lost custody of her kids for 2 years and got defrocked, and... Well. I hope the world is getting easier for late-in-life dykes.

I went first, because I have no shutting-up skills. You knew that, right? And I can't really talk about being bisexual without talking about the fact that I date women and men simultaneously, and down with the assumption of monogamy! It's possible I was a little emphatic. The kids looked simultaneously astonished and a little terrorized. And it's sort of harder for them, because they didn't know the other people well, but I've taught some of these kids normal Sunday school. I have kids. I'm married. I LOOK SO STRAIGHT. (except for the haircut. I'm trying). I emphasized that monogamy/non-monogamy is a continuum, and the important thing is that everyone in a relationship be open and respectful. And not all bisexuals are flaming ho-bags like me. Wait, no, I said that it was another axis of orientation, and many straight, bi, gay, and lesbian people are happily monogamous, but it should be a choice, and not an automatic reflex. I did not say ho-bag. I did not say pussy. I did not tell jr. high children that I like dick. I was so good, people. We talked about the fact that I have kids, and what it's like for them.

And THEN the other panelists turned around and started quizzing me on how this works, and did my husband have other partners, and wasn't anyone jealous? And I explained that for us, jealousy is mostly about resource allocation, not insecurity. And the dyke informed us that her partner would "flip the hell out" at the mere suggestion. And the health clinic guy asked about how we handled STD testing.

After that, the gay guy talked about how he didn't really come out to himself until college, and then he went and joined the Peace Corps for a while to get his head straight. The lesbian talked about her horrible trauma, and how she is happier now.

The transguy had elected to go last, because as he fairly pointed out, it's about gender identity and not sexual partner preference and should not really be lumped in with the others, but whatever, he's here now, and he's always known that something was wrong, and for years he tried to be a girl (insert weird moment of homophobia here), and then when he gave up on that, he tried to be the butchest of leather dykes, but that wasn't doing it either, and he was near suicide and despair when his counselor said, "Or you might not be a woman" and the heavens parted. But wow, to have to do transition after 50. It seems so hard. But he pointed out that he knew transpeople who were getting help and support at 14 and at 8, and it was a new world, and that gave him a lot of hope.

We gave the kids a chance to ask questions, but they were more or less too shell-shocked to come up with anything, so we all offered to answer any questions passed on to us by the facilitators. We assured them that we were all happier as out adults than we were as kids. That our stories had happy endings. And we got Starbucks cards, so yay for that.

The facilitator called me the next morning to re-iterate her thanks, and say she hadn't expected the other panelists to ask me questions, and was I ok? And also would I please please come to the sr. high class where they actually talk about polyamory on purpose, instead of surprise! in the middle of sexual orientation?

Of course I will.

And yes, I had nerves, and flopsweat, and anxiety. It's not every day you come out to a bunch of people at church. But I figure if even one of them says, "I want to date other people while I'm dating you." or thinks "I can have a crush on a boy and my best friend at the same time." it will be worth it. If even one of them is a safe person to come out to, it will be worth it.

I hope it helps.