Out with a...

...tear.  Or a bucket load of them, rather.

I'm trying to get ready for Mr. W's work party tonight and it's not quite going as planned.  A song came on the radio and I burst into tears.  I'm still crying as I type. 

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

3 months after my loss and it still hurts like hell.  And I wish that it wasn't what I'm thinking of as I close out the year.  And I wish I wasn't dreading going to this party and finding out who's pregnant now or seeing all the babies.  And more than anything I wish I was picking out stuff and laying my hand lovingly on my belly and planning for my May baby.

Oh please God let 2008 be better.

Massaman Curry Chicken

This is one of my all-time favorite dishes.  Yummy!!!!  (I couldn't find a picture that accurately represents this recipe.  And I eat it too fast to even think about grabbing my camera.)

***edit***
Substitue light coconut milk for regular coconut milk.  Serve 6 instead of 4 (easily possible).  Including 1 cup of Jasmine rice, the recipe is 9 points per serving.
***edit***

You should be able to pick up a can or container of massaman curry paste at your local Asian market.  The curry paste makes the dish so make sure you get the right kind.  Red, yellow, and green are the ones I usually find easily, but it's worth the search for the massaman curry.

Serves 4

Ingredients
1 onion
1 T peanut oil
2 cans coconut milk
2 T massaman curry paste (more or less to taste)
1 tsp Thai fish sauce (nam pla)
1 T light brown sugar
8 oz tiny new potatoes
1 lb skinless chicken breast, cut into chunks
1 T lime juice
1 T fresh basil, finely chopped (or 1 tsp dried basil)

1. 
   
   Cut the onion into wedges
   
   


2. 
   
   Heat a wok until hot, add the oil and swirl it around.  Add the onion and stir-fry for 3-4 minutes.  (I used a 16" high sided frying pan.)
   
   


3. 
   
   Pour in the coconut milk, then bring to a boil, stirring.  Stir in the curry paste, fish sauce, and sugar.
   
   


4. 
   
   Add the potatoes, and basil and simmer gently, covered, for about 20 minutes.
   
   


5. 
   
   Add the chicken chunks and cook, covered, over low heat for another 5-10 minutes, until the chicken and potatoes are tender.
   
   


6. 
   
   Stir in the lime juice.  Serve at once over Jasmine rice.
   
   

This is almost better the next day, reheated.  I guess it gives the spices all time to blend and absorb into everything.  Since Mr. W doesn't like this (or any other curry) I usually eat this for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it's gone.  Delicious!

a note about the fish sauce.  the recpie actually calls for 2 tablespoons.  i use much less due to the strenght of the fish sauce.  if you have a brand new bottle that has yet to seriously sit and get stronger, you can use more than 1 teaspoon.  use with caution.

100th post! and other things

I just realized that this was my 100th post.  I completely didn't think about it.  I really meant to write something more meaningful for my little milestone. 

If anyone has any idea how to add things into my sidebar, please help me!  I know how to write basic html code, but Wordpress is different.  They want CSS.  Booo!  I don't want to learn anything new!  <crossing my arms and pouting>  I'd really like to transfer things from my old page to this one.  Especially the infertility's common thread pic w/link and my tickers.

I have decided that I do not like my husband when he's working on the house.  Not at all.  He turns into a different person; not a nice person.  Luckily he takes breaks so we can begin to get along again. 

I do like Mr. W when he says and does cute things, though.  Today (during a break from hanging drywall) I mention that I'm craving something, but just can't figure out what it is.  He tells me to eat pickles and ice cream!  He explains that if I eat pickles and ice cream, then pregnancy will just slide right in!  Ha!  (of course he follows this up with his silliest grin and begins to giggle.)  I told him that this was a new one for me.  I'd heard relax and get drunk, but not to eat pickles and ice cream.  (for the record...he was n0t serious)

Now it's CD32.  Bleh.

Keeping my head up

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/xLd22ha_-VU&rel=1]

So I'm now positive that this cycle was anovulatory.  It's CD31 and I never received a peak reading on my CBEFM.  I also feel like I'm smuggling a water balloon in my abdomen.  I'm pretty sure where I should have released an egg, I've developed a cyst.  It's been about 10 or so years since I've had one that I noticed, but I'm noticing something now.  I've had this constant discomfort/pain in the general ovary area for a few days.  This morning it decided to become as annoying as being felt every step I took.  Yay me.

I won't lie.  I started this post this morning in one hell of a nasty mood.  Since then I've eaten my favorite dish (massaman curry chicken), had a mild workout (first in months), and eaten a miniature ice-cream candy bar.  I've read some blogs; I've (virtually) cried on a friend's shoulder and gotten a (virtual) hug.  I feel much better.  Although I'm still upset that this month has ended on a down note, it's almost over.  Only a few days away from a new year full of new months and new opportunity!

Plus, who can't help but laugh with this video?  I mean, can you understand what he's reallysaying?  Hahahahaha!

I got a menomenamena tree!

Actually it's a SYL.VANIA Staylit® 7-1/2' Slim Menominee Pre-lit Tree from Lo.wes.  And I only paid $29 for it!!!  Hooray!!!  Next year Mr. W and I won't have to fight about putting the lights on the tree.  Hooray again!!!

I wonder if Mr. W will get angry if I take down the old tree and put the new one up for the weekend?  Hee hee hee! (I'm only 1/2 joking)

Oh, and to brag on Mr. W:  He got me a beautiful ring, A paraffin bath, and a Kitc.henAid Classic Stand Mixer for Christmas.  He rocks! 

A Christmas Feast

This year I cooked Cornish hens for the fist time.  Yummy!  I thought it would be better for me and Mr. W than cooking a whole turkey or a whole ham.  Who needs all that leftover food, anyway?  (well...I can think of plenty to do with leftover ham, but don't really like turkey.)  I had so much fun and felt so "grown-up" cooking those little birds.  Ha!

Mr. W and I had a wonderful Christmas together.  He got me a few things that I had been wanting for a few years.  He seriously outdid himself this year.  I hope he knows just how high he upped the bar.  Ha-ha!

 Anyway, I hope everyone had as wonderful a Christmas as possible.  Mine has left me worn out.  So...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

A Dog's Christmas

 The girls each got a bone and a tin of doggie breath mints for Christmas.  They love rawhide bones!!!  I figured if I wanted to post something on Christmas without being too revealing (as if anyone who knows me doesn't know what my unique dogs look like), then I could post the dogs!  And check out the fire!  Who cares if it is unseasonable warm outside!

 Merry Christmas!!!

Show Me Your Tree!!

 Show me your tree

Our tree is a "pencil tree", which works perfectly for me since it fits in little spaces! I've always enjoyed doing it up in gold silver and red. This year the tree was put up early, but the lights and ornaments weren't put on it until a few days ago (Mr. W was out of town and I'm way too OCD to put lights on.) Now there are even more present under the tree! Yay!

Favorite Christmas Song

Yayyy!!!

Go check out Geohde's newest post and dance with me!!!

CD19

WTF? CD19? It should be 4DPO, but it's not. It's CD19 and the monitor still shows high fertility. (I read through the instruction pamphlet again and it said that if there was no peak fertility it would read high fertility "until the end of the testing cycle".

Now here's where I'm being positive: I think I possibled effed up a few test sticks. I don't actually pee on the sticks, I pee in a cup and dip them. You're supposed to hold them in the pee for 15 seconds, and I only did it for 10 seconds. I suppose the sticks may have not absorbed enough liquid. And if this is so, then I'm ok. (i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok) I had already accepted that Mr. W would be out of town for ovulation and this month would be a break cycle. So it's a break cycle.

Now I just wait to see when AF shows up. She should be here between Christmas and 12/28. Now if only I could get these anovulatory thoughts out of my head (trust me, they don't dance like sugar plums).

Call me doom and gloom

"The anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle characterized by varying degrees of menstrual intervals and the absence of ovulation and a luteal phase. In the absence of ovulation, there will be infertility. "

I know I've been all doom and gloom lately, and I apologize. I really do have my happy moments...and they outweigh the non-happy moments. But this morning my lovely CBEFM gave me another day of high fertility. I forgot to log my days, but this is somewhere between day 5 - 8 of high fertility. Anything over 5 days isn't supposed to be all that good. Not sure exactly why, but I'm guessing it might be something along the lines of eggs rotting in their shells (not literally). At least that makes sense to me. Of course, now I'm thinking that this will be the first month since I've been using any type of OPK that I won't ovulate. Anovulatory. Shit.

On a completely positive note, Mr. W will be home late tonight!!! Yay!!! I didn't get much (read: anything) on my list accomplished while he was gone, but who cares! I'm so happy to have him home. He suggested, last night on the phone, that I'm stressing my body into waiting to ovulate until he gets home. He's so cute. Haha!

So if I go MIA for the weekend you guys will understand, right? ;-)

***side note***

It's kind of funny that if the plan had actually worked, Mr. W and I would have come nowhere near ovulation. That would have been a seriously expensive no-chance-of-conception booty call!

Dear Younger Man,

It was the fourth of July. You had used a favor to get us on top of that building. I remember pressing my body against a gargoyle as the fireworks went off. They were at eye level. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life.

I had so many good memories with you. You were the man that liked to make memories. The weekend in the mountains. Driving to DC. Camping on that island. Celebrating 1/2 birthdays. Everything you planned was magical!

I saw that building tonight and thought of you. I smiled.

I've heard you are married, now. I hope that she is everything that you were looking for and more. I hope you are the same for her. I hope your life is magical!

You don't say?

I went to visit my family and old friends this weekend. I had a really good time, aside from losing my voice again. It was very relaxing to hang out at my parents house and pretty much do nothing.

I've had a friend, we'll call her B, for about 12 years. B and I have always been on opposite ends of the personality spectrum. She's the most liberal person I've met; as time has passed, I've become more conservative. She's vegan; I'm a hard core carnivore. She's single raising an unplanned child; I'm married struggling through infertility. There are many more differences and until recently they have not affected our friendship.

Over the past few months, anytime I've needed to vent about almost anything, I've had to go elsewhere for support. I have not been able to talk to B about it. It's broken my heart, but what can I do. If I need to vent about Mr. W (I know, he's wonderful, but even perfection gets on your nerves some times), she retorts that at least I have someone. If I need to vent about all of the constant construction in my home, she retorts that at least we can afford to own a house and work on it. If I need to vent about anything, she has some sort of comment about how I should basically just suck it up.

Now don't get me wrong, I am supremely grateful for all of the wonderful things I have in my life. Especially for Mr. W and my family. I am lucky, and I am very aware of this. But does this mean I am not allowed to ever be unhappy? Am I not allowed to have bad days? Am I not allowed to get angry at my husband?

I've been trying to work past all of my feelings about her lack of support and was doing pretty good. But this weekend kind of sealed the bitter deal for me. I heard her say, many times, that I need to "relax". I need to see/read "The Secret". I need to put out my good energy and then I'll get pregnant. Give me a fucking break! I wasn't even asking for assvice. I was simply telling the woman that is supposed to be my best friend that Mr. W and I are trying to have a faith in God and nature for 3 more months, and that I'm excited about this. I'm doing my best to have faith and not plan for after March. And in retort I'm told that I'm too negative and that if I relax and watch a freaking movie that I'll be fine. Fuck you.

Why is it that the almost 3 years that Mr. W and I were screwing like rabbits, not using birth control of any sort, and not "wanting" a baby don't count? Neither my sister or B actually acknowledge that time. They still want to say, "relax and it will happen" as if those years weren't relaxing.

So now I guess I need to just put a little more positive energy out there and relax. Because as we all know that's how babies are made.

Happy Birthday Granny

Today would have been my Granny’s 90^th birthday. She passed last January. I wish I could be with my Dad today to try to give him some comfort. I know that every time the radio mentions Pearl Harbor day he is reminded that his Mother is not with him anymore. I cannot imagine that pain

Happy Birthday Granny. You still remain in my mind as the most wonderful woman that walked this earth. You are very loved and very missed.

Life's little ironies

I received an email today from Conceive Magazine about a recently released book called The Fertility Diet. I was intrigued so I ordered a copy of the book.

A few hours later I received a faxed copy of a Ne.wsweek article about the same book. My friend then emailed me and let me know that she had faxed it to me and thought I might find it interesting.

Life is just full of little ironies! :-)

Shoot Me! ;-)

I decided to bullet all my randomness today and thought the title would be acute play on words. :-)

• Could there have been anymore kids at Chick-fil-A today? And when did moms' quit watching their kids? I could barely walk and had a kid that kept on hitting me. All I wanted was my cool wrap!! (and just so you know, this wasn't one of the locations that has a playground.) Why couldn't they all be at the McDonald's next door?
• Does everyone in SC think it's OK to run red lights just because of the holidays? I saw more people running red lights today (during my morning drive and my lunch break) than I've seen in the past year total. What are they thinking? "I think I'd like to spend the holidays in the hospital or dead. That would rock!"
• I'm looking forward to my free time next week. I plan on painting the siding that Mr. W had to replace a couple of weeks ago, painting the shelves he replaced, purchasing and installing blinds in the guest bedroom, fixing a small leak under the kitchen sink, and replacing the guts of the upstairs toilet. I've also got to clean out our closet and bedroom. I plan on feeling very accomplished by the end of the week!
• I was prayed over yesterday. The pastor called me to the front of the church, placed his hands on my shoulders, and asked everyone to pray with him. He prayed that God would bless me with a healthy nine month pregnancy that resulted in a live, healthy baby. It was an odd experience. I wasn't sure that I wanted to participate, but I'm trying to have a little faith. I cried (what's new). I felt a great sense of love, and that was wonderful.Like I said, I'm trying to work on my faith.
• It hit me yesterday that Mr. W and I have been TTC for 3 years. It wasn't official until earlier this year, but we haven't used any form of birth control for 3 years. That means we "relaxed and let it happen" for 2 years.And guess what...that didn't work. I'm giving faith and nature (and my monitor and preseed) 3 more months. If I'm not thoroughly knocked up by then...
• RIP Evel Knievel

Whatever...

Stupid hope. Always sneaks in and ruins things.

The trip is off (again). We can only get a decent price if I'm willing to fly a red-eye. And don't misunderstand, I'd be more than willing to, but I have to be at work and they couldn't guarantee I'd be home before noon. That just won't work.

Mr. W felt it necessary to call and tell me this around one o'clock this morning. I reminded him of the time difference, and the fact that I had been in bed for a while by this time. Just to drive the point home I called him this morning while I was driving to work. I figured a nice 4:30 wake up call would help him get the picture!

So now the question is, what do I do with all this free time I'm about to have? 5 days of free time? I might drive up to visit my parents. Honestly, that is always a little depressing when I'm alone. Oh well. I'm open to ideas!

And he's off...

Mr. W left yesterday afternoon. I missed him before he even got onto the plane. Such is life.

Mr. W and I had such wonderful talks while he was home. I've been going through a really tough time, and him being gone has been especially hard. I talked to him about it and told him exactly how I feel right now. He was 100% supportive. He explained that he doesn't understand what I'm going though, but he's here for me. He had a couple of drinks during the conversation, so by the end he was even sweeter than usual. Ha!

He went on to tell me that regardless of how depressed/anxious/psycho I get, he will be here for me. If I hate him (because according to him all women hate men at some time), he will still be here for me. If I decide to leave, he will be waiting on me when I come home. Regardless what happens, I will not be able to "get rid" of him. Etc.

Mr. W also went on to tell me that regardless of what it takes, we will have our baby. If it comes to IVF, he will find the money even if it means going into debt (coming from a very penny-pinching man this means the world); we will have a baby. Just knowing that he is willing to go the distance for this...it makes me feel so very loved.

-------------------------------------------

Now about this on-again-off-again trip. Mr. W went into work on Friday to check with whichever boss was in to make sure it was OK that I fly out while they were working. He only found Boss B. Boss B said no way. I aggrievedly explained to Mr. W that Boss B could kiss my ass. Boss B is not the #1 boss. Boss A is, and Boss A is the one that suggested I fly out in the first place. The only problem is that Boss A already flew out.

Mr. W waited a few hours and called Boss A (damn time difference). He said he had no problem with me flying out. Thank God Boss A outranks Boss B. He said I would need a rental car, though. We can't be sure they won't be working when my plane gets in.

So now the trip is on, right? Wrong. We decide to go to Pri.celin.e to see if we can find a decent priced ticket with a rental car. We bid (fun!) and they say if we up the price a little, they can do it. So we up the price. Still no go. Up it again. Still no go. Up it again...etc. Forget it. We try some other sites and finally decide that it's just not working. We'll have to kennel the dogs, buy a plane ticket, rent a car, and pay for almost a weeks worth of eating out...too much for a slim chance at getting pregnant. (remember folks...I will probably get my LH surge the day after I fly home.)

So now the trip is off, right? Wrong. Mr. W calls from his home-for-the-next-couple-of-weeks. He's been looking at flights and has found some much cheaper tickets. He also found that there's a free shuttle from the airport to his hotel that runs every 15 -20 minutes. So he asks if I still want to come out.

At this point in time (emotional hell that is my mind) I cannot make that sort of decision. I had tried to get the trip planned and it repeatedly fell through. I had already begun to accept that there was no trip, that Mr. W and I would begin trying in January, and that two weeks wasn't that long of a time to be apart.

Mr. W actually offered to find a ticket, and if it's within reason (he's setting the limit...again, that's beyond my control right now) he'll purchase it and let me know. I would kiss him if he were here! He is not the type to make those sort of arrangements for me. He usually feels that it's up to me, and if I feel like doing it to do it, but that it's my decision. (how was that for a run on sentence?) But this time he was my hero!

So I don't know if I'm flying out to TTC this month, and I'm OK with that. If I do, then I'm going to take advantage of the new experiences (flying) and I'm going to do my best to enjoy it. If I don't, I'll take advantage of the time to complete some minor projects around the house. Either way it's out of my hands. And I'm OK with that.

I have so many other things that I want to write about, but I know I've already bored you all to tears. Maybe tomorrow!