Christmas 2011

As most also we still had to run errands on 24th, stupid us.
Well, but this way we now know: Santa Clause in Germany is driving Volkswagen Mercedes ;-)

Yeah, I know, you probably think, oh Dude, we had this years ago!
This is Germany, remember?
I still wait for cooking oil to spray! Still!

When I went to see Mum on 23rd she was... well, what. Pale, thin, but without the big mask, only the small tube for oxygen.
Bro even made her eat a bit whilst telling of little Niece´s last adventures. Mum also laughed a bit even. Bro stayed longer than I and Mum waved me good-bye like the tough warrior she always was.

The 24th was cold and rainy. Still, if you feel like it, you can enjoy hot tea or a beer outside, the Café/Bar around the corner put some fur down:

We didn´t visit, I was cold to the bone. Heart racing all the time. Like now.

We "celebrated" Christmas with a Störtebecker-chocolate-beer in a Mumme-glas.
Typical German, huh?

Just ignore the pill in the pic. At times I´m just really bad at taking pics...

The 24-day-Christmas-candle I found on December 1st in my Advent-Calendar burnt down.

I took the pic cause it symbolizes so much. Or not enough.

Those monks who hug... I had bought them in black and white. Mum brought me these from a holiday, they´re red and yellow. I put the others away to give to SIL, she loves black/white.
The other day saw those in blue/white in Bro´s place, guess they´re from Mum.
She always took great care to ensure Bro and I get the same. That no one is "better", as my Dad and Grandma did (for Bro).

Bro and I are like these Monks.
Mostly.

Yesterday SIL called to say Mum is sedated. Bro is there, it can be over any minute now.
Called the hospital this morning and they said, Mum is still there, so I called Bro to say I drive over. He said, go NOW. He himself felt sick. I ate on the run and went.

New carers, but they knew I´ll be there, no formal procedure. Now. Is that good? I never wanted to be known in intensive care, I tell ya.
Mum opened her eyes and recognized me.
I sat down at her bedside, took her hand and squeezed it. She squeezed back. Her hand was very warm. Her teeth were not in position, I asked the carer to put them out. She talked to my Mum and explained to her.
I need to write this down. Just need to. I cry as I type.

Somehow I always knew Ingo will make it.
And I know she will not. We only wait.

Mums lips were very, very red, too. Must be the medication.
I told her and showed her I got the DVD she wanted to see. I told her what Ingo said this morning:

My Dad is still in our kitchen.
She opened her eyes and I told her of the pics that still didn´t make it out of the kitchen.
Pics of her and my Dad on their silver wedding.

Pics of Bro and I in Cologne...

Of Ingo and I and that I still have to add SIL and Niece.

Maybe it had helped?

I felt so darn bad. She was in and out of consciousness all the time and after an hour I left. I sayed good-bye only very quietly.

Went to the car and told Bro what the carers had let me known.
He was like: HELLO?! You wanna leave already?!!!! I was there yesterday for 11 hours! E-L-E-V.... you get it.

That was when I lost it.
I sat in my car screaming at him that all he does is demanding and when Ingo nearly died over weeks and weeks he didn´t even bother to come to Braunschweig once, to see how I cope.

I wanted to talk to him about this... one day in the future.
But the pressure was just too much.
Remember, I have a one-plus hour drive one way in winter, too!
I cut off the phone, jumped out of the car and headed back to Mum.
Bro called and I answered, I´m in hospital, phones are not allowed in here!

Drama.
Went back to Mum.
And this was the right thing to do. She was asleep, but woke and saw she is not alone, one of her children is there.
The ward round was due and the doc told me they don´t force her to drink anymore. She is in no pain. He talked to her, too, despite she lay there with closed eyes.
These guys there in Bad Gandersheim are the best.

When I compare this to how Ingo was treated here ein Braunschweig, I could just puke.

Bro had brought them all some chocolate as a thank you.
He is a true businessman, no? I was too much in panic-mode to do what I said we should.

Well.
Bro sms-ed me he is a fool and very sorry and that I should call when I leave.
I didn´t know how to get this - does he want to know if I stay there 11 hours?

I stayed another hour and then it was just too much. I felt shivering all over.
I didn´t say Good-Bye this time. I just couldn´t.

Back in the car I wrote Bro an SMS that I leave and don´t feel good.
He called me and asked to stop at his place so he can hug me.

I´m so darn glad we are like this. We can rip off each other´s heads and be good again the next minute.

He hugged me very strong and long and I hugged back, he led me into the kitchen, I sat down on a chair, he kneeled down before me and hugged my knee, we talked.
He told me Mum yesterday had asked for me... and Ingo even.
He said he had never realized how serious Ingo´s situation was back then.
And this is what my friend P. had told me, too.
I let no one know cause... I needed to function, ya know?
"Only" my online friends were there for me (thanks so much every one of you) - those who cannot really hug me, so I don´t break down.

We then went to the living room where Niece was having lunch.

She sure felt something serious is going on, poor girl.
They also gave me a pressie:

Pic taken at kindy. She´s not used to "pose", usually we just take pics as life runs along. Anyhows, thanks, guys.

Bro also finally had my new glasses ready! No pic I just look bad. Not due to the glasses, of course.
Nice was so darn cute. After a while she came over and grabbed my knee, later she had fun running into my arms, hugging me and making it back to the other corner of the room.
She did so until she staggered around like a drunk, that´s how tired she was.
Guess little kids understand a whole lot and do their best to help, no?
Will she remember her green fish gave her "kisses" of air today and keep that game and remember me doing it? Probably not. Still, such a cute kid. Without her... this would have been a total horror.
Still life goes on - Ingo is making Kale, oh, yum.

Summed up... this is the ugliest Christmas we have to go through.
I wait for the phone to ring and hear that Mum has made it. This is no life, this is dying.
Since last Sunday she is in intensive care.

I think of you, Mum. And Bro.
And I am thankful snow is only in a snow globe, but eeek, still dangerous with ground being frozen partially.