Oregon

Another change of plans today. Frustrated by Seiad Valley’s post office hours that cost me half a day—though perhaps I could have planned this stop better—I decided it would be wiser to be in Ashland, Oregon, already.

After picking up and sending back the packages, we sought a way to get to Oregon and start walking from there. It wasn’t easy, but a fortunate coincidence led us to meet a girl offering rides in the area. A misunderstanding made us believe she could take us to Ashland, but we later discovered there’s another town by the same name not in Oregon. Nonetheless, Ann drove us to the lodge where we had decided to spend the night.

There’s a significant “however” today because we skipped the Oregon border along the trail. I really would have liked to cross the state line on foot, but I did it by car instead. I need to get back on the trail as soon as possible because I’m losing touch with what brought me here and motivated me so far. Maybe it’s a bit of fatigue, or perhaps concern about the potential problems from upcoming fires.

Although I’m not back on the trail yet, I’ve resumed its routines after the two-day detour to the coast. I noticed something: when talking to Ryan, I sometimes felt a strange urge to always be well-informed, whether discussing books, algorithms, machine learning, or anything else. It seemed like the famous impostor syndrome resurfacing, where one feels the need to work doubly hard to convince other people of our value. However, when I think of the trail, the thousand-plus miles walked, the challenges overcome, and the lessons learned, it’s all undeniably real and concrete. I did it, and I did it for real. I’d never feel like a fraud discussing the PCT—how could I? So, why do I feel undeserving in other aspects of my life that involve similar toil and difficulty, albeit in different forms? Why, when I think about my job, do I say, “where I am now is the only place I could be”? Why do I doubt my ability to surpass myself and go beyond what I know and am now, just as I have on the trail these past months?

These are open-ended questions because I don’t even have a hint of an answer, but I’m sure I’ll revisit them. And tomorrow, truly returning to the trail, I’ll outline the most concrete plan I can define now for the month and a half I have left.