An Adoptive Parent's Nightmare

When you adopt, there are plenty of things to worry about.

Has the child been in an institution too long to bond properly?

Will there be sensory issues?

Are there abuse issues?

Etc.

But I think one of the scariest things to come to terms with is NOT KNOWING any medical history for children adopted from overseas.  Especially if there is NO birth parent information of any kind.  There is NO way to find out anything about hereditary issues.

And even though giving birth to children is no guarantee that they will be healthy -- at least when you get pregnant with your partner, you can usually find out where a problem came from if you run into medical issues. Or even better, know what to keep a watch for over the child's life and have noted in their records.

We have nothing.

And that's scary.

So scary that we have a life insurance policy on Mouse....and not our other children.  Because what if she ends up with something hereditary surprising us and is unable to get insurance as an adult?  We don't want that for her.  And we feel very comfortable with what is in our medical backgrounds to not feel that same need for our other two.

And along with all the other craziness going on around here....

We ended up getting that call...

From the doctor.

So even though this is information that I would normally not share, it turns out to be common with Asian's so I want to pass on the info to my adoptive parent friends.

Mouse was starting to have alot of issues with hives.  The Ped wasn't that interested and didn't even want to do allergy testing as its not always that accurate on young children.  It was sporadic so I let it go.  For then.

When it started happening even more I told them enough...it was time to see an allergist...and they agreed.

So we went to the allergist and he just wasn't liking what I was telling him.  He really felt that this would be incredibly rare if she was having issues with the things we thought were the triggers...so he wanted to do a full panel workup on her before doing the skin testing.

I was not thrilled as this kid is manic about needles.

But off to the lab we went.

And bless the guys heart....he could not find a vein.  It was bad.  Really bad.  The only thing that kept me calm through it all was that I have been trained on blood draws and I knew he was doing everything right. Finally after holding her down for almost 10 minutes we had 5 vials (oh my goodness I don't know how tiny could still function) and were told the doctor would be back to us in about 2 weeks as some of the tests take awhile.

Right.  So that was the second week in October.

And in late November I had a family member ask about the testing.

BAD MOM.  With the way everything imploded around here it had slipped my mind.

So I left a message to see about the skin testing as if there had been anything in the labs surely they would not have forgotten us.

I did mention this was military care, right? I am so gonna say I told you so when national health care kicks in and everyone has to deal with what military deals with.  Because you get what you pay for. And that crap isn't going to pay.

Anyways.

I got the call back that there was not a allergy issue.  There was a hereditary auto-immune system issue.

Heart stops.

It seems her body has antibodies against its own thyroid.

Hashimoto's Thyroidism.

Heart resumes.

So - its thyroid (which I have been medicated for years for - but not auto-immune) so I know its not really that bad.  Well, its not cancer.  Its not diabetes.  Its not many of the things that could be so much worse.

But it is common in Asians. FEMALE Asians especially.

And some of her symptoms are the hives from her body attacking itself and even what we thought might be growing pains in her legs might actually be related.  Which is a relief because I was having the hardest time accepting that the leg was just growing pains.  It just wasn't right. Hashimoto's tends to cause muscle cramping and pain.

And for now her thyroid is functioning well enough.  But I know to watch her.  And its not uncommon for this disease to kick into hyper - thyroidism before it drops to hypo.  I know what to watch for.

And I know the meds.  Which are some of the safest meds on the market.  Reassuring.

But there is a little more info for my adoptive parent friends to file away in their heads.

Learn something new every day.

Your Childs Reality Does NOT Belong To You

Hopefully this will be a cohesive post. My thoughts are pretty jumbled on the subject as I have children I gave birth to and an adopted child and what I've learned and lived is all rolled up together in both sets of issues.

The key point: Our child's views and realities do not belong to us.


I read a post over at a friends blog about a mother who spoke out recently when her son died. He had a drug problem. And she has been crucified in blogland and her parenting questioned. Her worth as a parent and person has been questioned by others. Because its HER failure....

I have raised a son to adulthood. It was not easy. During the most important years dad was always deployed. This resulted in lots of anger and acting out. It resulted in incidents. And that first incident? It about killed me. I was feeling really broken. I was feeling like a terrible parent. We were beating ourselves up and discussing what to do -- and Hubs made the comment that we had failed. Where had we gone wrong? What should we have done differently?

And while pondering together I had a revelation. We weren't bad parents. There is nothing we could have done to prevent this (outside of never letting him leave the house). The things that I would have done different if I had it to do over again -- I don't think they would have changed the outcome either.

Because bottom line is...

Your kid is a separate individual than you.

They have their own personalities.

They will make their own decisions regardless of the teachings/parenting they have had. It is all in THEIR hands.

And that is the way it is supposed to be.

I know, I know. You are sitting there saying, "We knew that already!"

Well so did I.

Or so I thought. But just like faith -- believing something and living something are two different things.


Now jump forward a few years and add adoption into the picture.

I spend a fair amount of time reading the blogs of adult adoptees. As an adoptive parent this is very rarely a pleasant experience. (Not that it is necessarily unpleasant either - it is just reality and not pretty when you look at the true realities of adoption.)

And reading one adoptee's site is always painful for me. Not because of what she is saying about the evil adoptive parents and the industry....NO. It's just her thoughts and feelings and her life. It's real. It's all about her thoughts of what could have been, etc.

And it reflects the inner life my daughter lives/will live.

And no one can change it. Not her, not me, not anyone.

And its not even my place to try.

But you will have the people come out of the woodwork and say that adoptees need to get over themselves. Be grateful for all the good they had. Like the good cancels the bad.

How brutal!

My daughter has a life that pre-dates me. And she doesn't need to be grateful to me! Her personality is not to be bound by MY reality (sunshine and rainbow and adoption is so grand!). HER reality is that she has a mother other than myself. A mother that did not keep her. And no matter what she has with me -- it does not cancel out what she lost. What could have been.

Get over it?

Seriously?

So adoptees are supposed to amputate part of who they are because its ungrateful not to?

That is sick.

Because our children - adopted or biological - are not bound by what we give them. Or what we teach them. Or what we think they should feel.

They are just a separate person that we have the gift of loving. The gift of raising (if we are lucky).

And they don't belong to us. They only belong to themselves. Our boundaries and teachings and love, etc., is only valid in their lives as long as they allow it to be valid. They can turn all of it off whenever they want.

And it doesn't matter what you taught them. It doesn't matter what you gave them. It doesn't matter all you did for them. It doesn't matter what YOU feel they should think or do.

It's all up to them.

So please. Don't treat your children like their reality is what YOU make it. Don't tell kids why they should think like you and then be surprised when they reject your standards. Don't tell an adopted child the good cancels out the bad.

Respect the fact that they have their own reality. And whether that reality reflects good on you or not as a parent....is not up to us. And don't let yourself fall into the trap of letting their choices define YOU as a parent or a person.

And for goodness sake people....get rid of the word "grateful". Not a single one of our kids ASKED to be born or adopted to us. They don't OWE us ANYTHING.


****Just to be clear - I'm not saying we shouldn't parent or teach or model or be anything less than a 100% involved parent. I'm just saying you do not have control over what your child ultimately thinks. You do not put the thoughts in their head. They don't owe you certain behaviors or thoughts. They are not your robot. They WILL make decisions you would not have made. They will feel whatever it is they feel, whether you agree or not. They do not OWE us certain behaviors or thoughts.

And let me assure you, if you can really embrace this reality and live it...

it actually makes all those bumps in the road so much easier. Because you learn to respect your child on a different level. You learn to allow them their mistakes or feelings without tying yourself and your feelings up in the situation also. You learn to start building that person-to-person relationship sooner alongside that parent-child relationship. (Notice I said ALONGSIDE...not IN PLACE OF.)

So parents...get over YOURSELVES.

And find a whole new depth in your relationship.

You Know You've Adopted Internationally When...

Yesterday Tonggu Momma did a post that is a spin-off of a post on the Adoption-China boards many moons ago. Her list is pretty familiar for those of us that have adopted. Then...she passed it on by saying "your turn". Is that like a dare?

So here is my contribution....

You know you've adopted internationally when you have been called names like "baby stealer", "White-privileged (= racist)", "baby buyer", or have been accused of adopting because its popular and the baby is more like a accessory instead of a real child.

You avoid eye contact with other people when in public with your child because you just don't want the ignorant or PERSONAL questions.

You've thrown-up in your mouth a little over comments made about what a great person you are for saving that poor baby.

You've started challenging others over racist type comments even though you were too shy to even speak in public pre-adoption.

You know the wounded animal sound of your child ...which is like no sound the children you gave birth to EVER made.

You understand the primal wound crying and know there is NOTHING you can do but hold on to that shaking body ... and that your child does not even understand WHY.

You've held a child while they cried for hours over the last day of school and nothing you can say can convince them that this is just one more loved person in their life that has magically disappeared.

You know that there are many situations where we can't talk or reason...all you can do is listen and try to empower.

A school year with no calls for you to come to the school is worthy of a PARTY!!!

And...

You know you've adopted internationally when you've fought with a pediatrician over WHICH growth chart says they are failing to thrive(!) and demand they use the chart from their child's country instead of from the US.

Grown In My Heart: Adoption Carnival VI

Adoption Carnival VI: the Racism Rainbow

This weeks adoption carnival is on the subject of racism and how it has affected our lives or how we will handle it when the time comes.

There have been several sad post recently on adopted children and their run-ins with racism. When I read these post I get physically sick. I really feel like I am going to vomit. It upsets me that much.

We have had little incidents that don't require much more than a listening ear, an acknowledgment of hurt and an assurance of the wrong-doing. So far no really big incidents where I felt or my daughter felt it needed to be kicked-up a notch and handled with adult intervention. Most of the time empowering the child has worked.

Racism is here.

It is ugly.

It's not going anywhere.

But you know what? I've found there is an even BIGGER problem than the racism.

Gasp! How could I say that???

Well, I've tried my best to better educate myself on racism. It's a hard, hard road. I've battled white guilt that was crippling. I've stuck my head in the sand when it got too tough. But I keep plugging away and watching for the little things in life that are not right and do my best to identify and work on the problems I see -- within myself and others.

And I've run into more brick walls than I can even begin to tell you about.

Racism is bad.

DENIAL of racism is much worse.

I've run into so many denials of racism. People that REFUSE to look at it objectively or even hear it....because they don't live it. And if they don't live it, it must not exist.

And part of that is the people that will try to point out that many people have been made fun of. Maybe its too many freckles, crooked teeth or some other difference that gets them made fun of.

Like that is racism.

No folks...that is not racism. That is being made fun of. It is being singled out. It is not racism or anywhere near on the same level. But then, since they've never lived on wrong side of the color line....they don't get that.

And how do you educate those that REFUSE to see?

I don't know.

I try and its like beating my head against a brick wall. All I get is bloody.

But I keep trying.

And part of that is because of my own son.

The one raised in diverse areas (military) and with a Chinese sister.

The one that made a not nice remark when a car pulled up beside us with the booming music.

When I pointed out that he just made a racist remark....well, he unloaded on me.

About how racism is a lie. How him and his friends had never seen this racism "they" tried to claim. How it is nothing more than reverse-racism on "their" part. Blah, blah, blah.

My son.

That I raised.

In diverse areas. Raised by parents that are not racist.

But see - he was still raised in a middle class bubble. What we believe and talked about was not enough. He had never been treated or treated someone as "racist" so its all a lie.

And I really don't know what to do to change things.

It wasn't too difficult with my son....but impossible with the adults I've run into with the same attitude. Educated, reasonable people. Except on this subject.

And I admit it. I have no idea how to change things.

And without that type of change....it can't go away.

So, I continue with damage control at home, to the best of my ability.

And I know racism is here to stay. Because those that could help make a difference and step up to help fight this. They don't even see it.

How sad it that?

Americans Arrested While Taking Children From Haiti

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry, but you can't take minors across state lines legally in the states without permission....why would you think loading up a bus of POSSIBLE orphans and taking them to another country would be legal???? Without ever contacting the government of the country the children belong to????

Sorry. I'm a Christian and believe in helping. I'm an adoptive parent and believe in adopting.

These people need to go to jail.

Dear Bethy

I sat down to write a response to your comment on the Statement on Haiti and it turned into a novel. And alot of this is feelings I should probably share with others. So, this turned into a blog post.

The big thing about Haiti is that "whites" are trying to walk in and take the kids while not following any of the Hague conventions which are put into place to stop trafficking and such. So many countries are guilty of trafficking...and it will always be present. That's evil human nature. Because it is so rampant, we should not fast track any adoptions....especially in a disaster situations. Too many times it is later found out there are relatives looking for the kids that wanted them. Their own relative, in their own country. And maybe its not a relative...but someone else in their community. They should never have been removed from their birth culture. That, I think, is the big thing and the reason the statement is made. This story has played out over and over. Thousands of internationally adopted people have done their searches and found out the were wanted in their birth country. They have a reason to be mad. The stance is that the richer nations have no business walking into another country and taking their children because they think their way of life is so much better that the benefits outweigh this happening.

Most of these people are not totally anti-adoption...they are against the way it is now and the loop holes that exist. Some are anti-adoption because they know there will never be a system that is not corrupt. Most actually believe in older child adoption .... just not infant adoption.

I personally believe in adoption.

But I agree that infant adoption leads to many many trafficking and baby buying schemes. You have to coerce babies away from moms in order to sell/adopt them out. Many promises are made to mothers that would never have given the baby up otherwise - better standard of living, college, they are just staying with the other couple until they are educated. That's just sad. But it will always be. And where true orphans are concerned, many times there are people in their own community that would happily take them if there wasn't so much red tape or financial roadblocks. It would serve the child better to be placed within its own country so these blocks should not be there. But our money is bigger than their money so who gets the child? The richer nations. That is NOT what is absolutely best for the CHILD.

Don't let the negative stop your adoption plans. But do go into it with eyes wide open. There will be people that think you are the worst kind person for doing it. Know they are out there. Make sure you are dealing with a company that has not been accused of any fraud...unfortunately there are alot of them that have been lately....and rightly so. An adoption agency only stays in business if they are placing babies...which can lead to abuses. They are not going to fill you in on the busted baby buying rings or other things that are happening all the time...its not in their best interest.

This is a really hard issue. But there are SO many voices of adoptees out there protesting the way things are done that we need to listen. I listen and its hard. I don't want to hear that China is not the bright shiny uncorrupted system it was sold to me as. And yet they are finding all kinds of trafficking rings and busting the orphanages for buying babies, etc. I feel like I was lied to. But in the end, it doesn't matter...because if I hadn't adopted MM, someone else would have. She existed in the broken system already and my not adopting her would not have changed her fate. She would be in another international home.

What I feel I have learned is that the adoptees have every right to feel and express their pain. We shouldn't tell them they should be grateful for what they have here that they wouldn't have had in their birth country. The benefits are subjective and its their right to morn not growing up in their own country/culture with their own people. ESPECIALLY all the ones that are finding out parents or relatives searched for them (baby drop operations) or mothers who gave up the babies only because they needed a surgery they couldn't afford.

Sometime go check out

http://exiledsister.wordpress.com/

This is an adult that was adopted. She did her search and found her parents. Her blog is not about bashing adoption as a whole, but her story is so sad. Half her stuff is protected and you can't read it...but the stuff she does share is so very educational from an adopted parent standpoint. It's a blog from the heart. I follow this one and the posts can be hard to read because of her anguish but I feel I've learned alot about ways to support my daughter during her down times.

And as you are someone that is a positive thinker, you really really need to read everything you can on anniversary grief and such so you are more able to support during those times in adoptees lives when they just can't wade through the pain of being a "throw-away" or feel like they've been "stolen". Trying to talk them out of feeling and expressing the pain is the worst thing you can do -- that is what so many of the "angry" adoptees are trying to tell us. They have a right to grieve because they have lost BIG not matter what they have gained. We need to stop telling them otherwise. WE aren't the ones that lost...we are the ones that gained. Their entire life starts with loss.

So friend, I hope I didn't give the impression that I am anti-adoption -- I am very definitely not. I am against the way it is currently being handled in many places. I'm for the adoptive parents being better educated in how the grown adoptees feel and why. I'm for a zero tolerance death penalty for traffickers. I'm for doing everything possible to place a child in its own country first....not just some notice in a newspaper and lip service.

What I don't have is answers to how we make it better. And I don't feel we need to stop adoptions. There will always be orphans. There will always be children that need a home. And I'm sorry, I still do not feel that an orphanage or institution in a birth country is better than a home in another.

And for my other friend that asked.....I'm really not sure how I feel about the Haiti children that had their adoptions fast-tracked that were already in process. Not enough info. What still needed to be done? We don't have those answers. If its was just a judges stamp finalizing something....then its just red tape in the way and it ended as it should. Without knowing what exactly wasn't complete yet, I can't give a yes I am for it or no I'm against it answer. What I do feel is that they were already established as orphans, already in the process of being adopted, already matched with parents....and we already stepped in and took them....so its a moot point for those kids. It's done. And, it does have the benefit of freeing up some space and supplies for the new orphans. Except people are so desperate they are robbing the orphanages because they know they are getting the support.

These kids just can't win.

Adoptees of Color Roundtable Statement on Haiti

Posting the Statement on Haiti by the Adoptees of Color Roundtable. I agree with this whole-heartedly. Many adoptive parents I know don't agree with me, but I think too many abuses, fraud and downright trafficking cases are coming to light in international adoption to ignore it. And yes, I have benefited from International Adoption, but honestly, knowing what I know now, I'm not 100% sure I would have adopted if I had this information sooner. (The flip side of that is I'm not 100% I wouldn't have either.) It has definitely shut down any plans for adopting a second.

****************

STATEMENT ON HAITI

This statement reflects the position of an international community of adoptees of color who wish to pose a critical intervention in the discourse and actions affecting the child victims of the recent earthquake in Haiti. We are domestic and international adoptees with many years of research and both personal and professional experience in adoption studies and activism. We are a community of scholars, activists, professors, artists, lawyers, social workers and health care workers who speak with the knowledge that North Americans and Europeans are lining up to adopt the “orphaned children” of the Haitian earthquake, and who feel compelled to voice our opinion about what it means to be “saved” or “rescued” through adoption.

We understand that in a time of crisis there is a tendency to want to act quickly to support those considered the most vulnerable and directly affected, including children. However, we urge caution in determining how best to help. We have arrived at a time when the licenses of adoption agencies in various countries are being reviewed for the widespread practice of misrepresenting the social histories of children. There is evidence of the production of documents stating that a child is “available for adoption” based on a legal “paper” and not literal orphaning as seen in recent cases of intercountry adoption of children from Malawi, Guatemala, South Korea and China. We bear testimony to the ways in which the intercountry adoption industry has profited from and reinforced neo-liberal structural adjustment policies, aid dependency, population control policies, unsustainable development, corruption, and child trafficking.

For more than fifty years “orphaned children” have been shipped from areas of war, natural disasters, and poverty to supposedly better lives in Europe and North America. Our adoptions from Vietnam, South Korea, Guatemala and many other countries are no different from what is happening to the children of Haiti today. Like us, these “disaster orphans” will grow into adulthood and begin to grasp the magnitude of the abuse, fraud, negligence, suffering, and deprivation of human rights involved in their displacements.

We uphold that Haitian children have a right to a family and a history that is their own and that Haitians themselves have a right to determine what happens to their own children. We resist the racist, colonialist mentality that positions the Western nuclear family as superior to other conceptions of family, and we seek to challenge those who abuse the phrase “Every child deserves a family” to rethink how this phrase is used to justify the removal of children from Haiti for the fulfillment of their own needs and desires. Western and Northern desire for ownership of Haitian children directly contributes to the destruction of existing family and community structures in Haiti. This individualistic desire is supported by the historical and global anti-African sentiment which negates the validity of black mothers and fathers and condones the separation of black children from their families, cultures, and countries of origin.

As adoptees of color many of us have inherited a history of dubious adoptions. We are dismayed to hear that Haitian adoptions may be “fast-tracked” due to the massive destruction of buildings in Haiti that hold important records and documents. We oppose this plan and argue that the loss of records requires slowing down of the processes of adoption while important information is gathered and re-documented for these children. Removing children from Haiti without proper documentation and without proper reunification efforts is a violation of their basic human rights and leaves any family members who may be searching for them with no recourse. We insist on the absolute necessity of taking the time required to conduct a thorough search, and we support an expanded set of methods for creating these records, including recording oral histories.

We urge the international community to remember that the children in question have suffered the overwhelming trauma of the earthquake and separation from their loved ones. We have learned first-hand that adoption (domestic or intercountry) itself as a process forces children to negate their true feelings of grief, anger, pain or loss, and to assimilate to meet the desires and expectations of strangers. Immediate removal of traumatized children for adoption—including children whose adoptions were finalized prior to the quake— compounds their trauma, and denies their right to mourn and heal with the support of their community.

We affirm the spirit of Cultural Sovereignty, Sovereignty and Self-determination embodied as rights for all peoples to determine their own economic, social and cultural development included in the Convention on the Rights of the Child; the Charter of the United Nations; the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples; and the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights. The mobilization of European and North American courts, legislative bodies, and social work practices to implement forced removal through intercountry adoption is a direct challenge to cultural sovereignty. We support the legal and policy application of cultural rights such as rights to language, rights to ways of being/religion, collective existence, and a representation of Haiti’s histories and existence using Haiti’s own terms.

We offer this statement in solidarity with the people of Haiti and with all those who are seeking ways to intentionally support the long-term sustainability and self-determination of the Haitian people. As adoptees of color we bear a unique understanding of the trauma, and the sense of loss and abandonment that are part of the adoptee experience, and we demand that our voices be heard. All adoptions from Haiti must be stopped and all efforts to help children be refocused on giving aid to organizations working toward family reunification and caring for children in their own communities. We urge you to join us in supporting Haitian children’s rights to life, survival, and development within their own families and communities.

November is National Celebrate Adoption Month...and I Won't Celebrate: Or - More Growing Pains for Autumn

You've heard that November is Adoption Awareness month, right? The subject pops up regularly in the news and other fronts as people try to bring adoption to the public's attention. Its a time to celebrate!

At least that's what I thought for the last 6 years. I mean, what could be better than paying special attention to those awesome adoptions! Get the word out! Get more kids adopted out of foster care or where-ever!

Right.

So today I was reading an article over at Grown In My Heart : What Adoption Awareness Means To Me. It is written by a birth mother. (If you have any interest in adoption please go read this post.)

Wow. She was NOT celebrating. Not only that, she was very unhappy with those that are.

The first half of the article I'm feeling like a repeat of Mother's Day. I really don't like it when one group wants to tear down a holiday or special day honoring another group because they don't fit it quite right. I still feel strongly that mother's should all-out celebrate...even though the world is full of people that don't have mother's any longer, or have given up children or a million other reasons. Its not a day about rubbing our "motherhood" in other people's face...its a day to celebrate being a mom. Anyways....I digress. As always.

So I'm reading this article and picking it apart as another sour grapes issue. Why am I not allowed to Celebrate???? I have a gift that I thank God for every day. It is worth celebrating.

And then.....there it was.

"And while I can understand that for many people adoption is cause for celebration because it brought something good to their lives, the fact is that ALL adoption is somewhere, someplace, somehow resting on a foundation of loss. That’s not a cause to celebrate. It’s a cause to honor. One honors a loss; one does not celebrate it."

One honors a loss: one does not celebrate it.

As I've mentioned before, I am a strong supporter of the school of thought that no matter what I give or provide for my daughter...it will NEVER take away what I took from her.

So this one paragraph has managed to strike my brain like a lightening bolt.

And I will no longer CELEBRATE Adoption Awareness.

From now on, I will HONOR adoption during November.

Because adoption IS first and foremost built on loss.

Because my daughter has lost her birth mother.

And her birth father.

And her country.

And her culture.

And her language.

And being a majority instead of a minority.

So I thank Claudia for her post. I have learned a truth that just might serve my daughter well. Even if the growth is not always painless, it is growth non-the-less. Thank goodness for the birth mothers and grown adoptees that are willing to share their pain with adoptive parents. I wish more of them could express themselves so well....telling their truths without name calling the adoptive parents. You will make a difference for some child. You ARE making a difference.

Thank you.

So friends, won't you join me this month in HONORING adoption?

Guest Post of Sorts...

I was really unhappy with the way I ended my post on What Nobody Told Me About Adoption. I think I also came off as dismayed or upset, which is partly true...but not a good picture. I didn't know how to express that the ugliness is upsetting, but it does have its place. And I purposely search out those voices to learn. The true test is to learn balance on the subject.

I have a friend that adopted from China at the same time we did. And now we follow each other on the web, like so many other virtual friends.

Anyways! My friend recently did a post on the same subject. I found myself nodding my head yes and feeling like she was saying what I meant. So, with her permission I am reprinting her article here. You can find the original at: http://lighthousegal.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/balance/

Balance

I scan a lot of blogs. I try to read perspectives from all sides of the adoption triad. I try to understand, I try to learn, I try to apply. But I have learned that I need to step back, to not read those blogs very often, and to have very thick skin. If I did not, here are some of the views that would seep into my personality and affect how I interact with the world, namely, my daughters:

Adoptive parents are thiefs.

Adoptive parents do not care about the children, they are just selfish and feel they are owed a child.

Adoptive parents are ruining their adopted children’s lives.

Adopted children will walk around angry with the world at all times.

It is impossible for an adoptive person to acknowledge and cope with the pain of their separation from their first parents.

No matter what I call first parents, it is the wrong thing.

All first parents had their child stolen from them by a totally corrupt system.

That I cannot mention to my children that God had a hand in their adoption because that would give them a warped sense of God.

The list goes on and on. It is overwhelming to read. There are blogs out there that complain because people have labeled them “angry” – but when that is the only emotion that is presented to the public on the web…..

I brought up the emotions that roil in me as I read these blogs to an online friend of mine. She reminded me that the “happy” ones, the ones that have found a balance in their lives, are not going to be the ones who post – they are too busy living their lives. Balance – that is a good word for what parenting an adoptive, transracial child is all about. It is also what is missing from all these blogs I read. The balance that while there is a lot of hardship, a lot of pain, a lot of corruption, there is also a lot of good. There are still smiles, there is still laughter. What I hope to teach my children is that there truly is a balance. There have been so many cliches about taking the good with the bad, the silver lining in every cloud, not enjoying laughter unless you have tasted the tears – they go on an on. But ultimately it comes back to the Yin/Yang philosophy of their birth culture – a balance.

I will be writing about how I am addressing each of these issues in my conversations with the girls. This is as much an exercise in making sure my thoughts are clear before I continue to share them with the girls as it is sharing my thoughts with anyone. It is my exercise in balance – to pull the anger and pain towards me without letting it consume me. I just hope that as I walk this tight-rope of parenting that I can find my balance and guide my girls to find theirs.

Autumn Asks: What's In A Name?

This week, over at Grown in My Heart, the subject is names.

Tell us about names this month…How did you name your children? Did they come to you with names? Did you change them? Did your parents change your name? Do you not feel connected to your name?

Basically, what is in a name?

I hesitate to write on this subject as it is another one of those "hot button" issues in the adoptive parent crowd. I have seen some rather heated and ugly posts on this issue in the last 6 years.

So let me start by saying I believe every family is different. I don't think that just because I do what I do, all others much follow suite. I am not threatened by others doing things their own way. I don't expect others to follow in my shoes.

When it came to adopting a child, I was interested in an existing child living in an orphanage with no family. This is one small reason why we didn't adopt within our own system. I was not interested in private adoption of a newborn infant....there are long waiting lines for that type of adoption by couples that are unable to get pregnant, for one reason or another. I wanted to raise a child that already existed...without a family of their own.

We always understood that our child would already have a name.

A name that pre-dated our relationship and belonged to the child...not to us.

As such we knew we would be keeping at least part, if not all, of this name.

Our choice was to give the child a slightly normal "American" first name in conjunction with the name the child came to us with. We waited until we had the baby's name to pick that name as we wanted the whole thing to sound pleasant together and flow well (Note: If our daughter had been an older child we would not have done even that without considering the childs wants). We did keep the whole Chinese name as it was rather short. Of course we ended it with our last name. For sake of easy, on forms we combine the two Chinese names - nobody knows the difference.

This has worked well for us. She has a name that is not too terribly uncommon (all of our names in my family are slightly different so we couldn't go plain Jane on her). We use the nickname the nannies used for her occasionally...and she knows that. At any point in her future, should she decide to drop the first name we gave her and use the name the orphanage gave her, we will support that...and even pay for it.

This is our comfort zone. We have not taken from her something that belongs to her.

Many people I know discarded all names their child came with and chose to give them family names and such as part of the claiming process. I understand why they feel that way.

Others chose to give their children a new Chinese name as the orphanage name is not the name the first family gave them. They don't feel that an orphanage name is important or any different than giving an all American name. Or maybe that orphanage name is not flattering. I know some people that have consulted with other Chinese to help them pick a name that is right for their child and has a good meaning in Chinese. Both sound like wonderful and valid choices.

As the adoptive parent, I think we have to choose what seems right in our family dynamics. As long as we are willing to support our children in their opinions, I think there is no right or wrong.

It's the importance that the child puts on the name that comes first for us. My place in my daughter's life is not to replace or erase her past. My place is to support her and her story to the best of my ability. None of that is about me.

So, for me, what's in a name?

Whatever my daughter wants...that's what.

What No One Told Me About Adoption:

Over at Grown In My Heart they are having a blog carnival. The subject is What No One Told Me About Adoption. At first I really didn't think I had much to contribute. After all, we had a fantastic agency and social worker that made sure we were educated....before all the Hague changes. I give them a 10 star on education.

We did exercises like putting colored marbles in a cup to represent our lives....such as work, doctors, dentists, most used grocery store, hair stylist, friends and family. My husband's cup was a rainbow of colors. Mine? Way too vanilla. So I went to work on my white washed world and work on it daily still.

We learned that we would attract alot of attention as a multi-racial family. We learned that we really needed to pay attention and take a stand against any and all racism. To open our eyes and see racism in all things...not just the big events. To support our children when they are the victims of racism and to teach them about racism BEFORE it blindsided them.

We learned that people would ask us lots of personal questions they do not have the right to ask. All because we look different than they think a family should. We learned we do not have to answer these people. We learned ways to divert the questions and protect our kids.

We learned about the loss our children will feel. We learned how this can manifest itself since many of the losses are pre-verbal. We learned about the primal wound.

We learned about keeping our home low key and low stimulus at first. We learned about orphanages and what to expect. We learned about RAD and other attachment disorders and orphanage behaviors.

We learned that we need to support our child's nationality/race and instill pride. Foster mentors and make sure our child was just as comfortable with others of the same race as she is with us.

We learned to make sure not to demonize our child's birth mother. Her first mother. To let her feel the grief and pain and ask the hard questions even if we are uncomfortable. It is part of who she is. Support the child.

We learned many other things also. We used a workbook called "With Eyes Wide Open" that was very informative. We had 2 large 3 ring notebooks full of articles that we had to read.


But there was one area we didn't learn about.

We were not told about the adopted people that are totally against internal adoptions.

There are MANY, MANY of these voices.

At first I was very into reading these sites. I wanted to learn as much as I could so that I could learn from mistakes others have made. I wanted to understand what things were harmful and what things were positive. And I have learned from these sites.

I have also been called a racist for adopting a child of another race.

I've been called a baby stealer for having the money to adopt a child and remove them from their birth country.

I've been told I cannot support my child and her battles against racism....because I'm white and therefore unable to feel.

I've been told I am responsible for other people stealing babies all because I would pay for one.

I've been told I don't care about poor people or women.

I've been told I should be supporting my child in her home with her birth family, not stealing her away.

And I've been told other things I won't even put down here.

And I've quit reading those sites.

I had room in my home and heart for another child. I wanted to give that place to a child with no home and no family. An orphan. I wasn't looking for a specific nationality or color...just a child to love. A child with no family.

I traveled a lot growing up and saw orphan children in other countries. This left an impression on me. I always thought that if we all opened our families to one person with no family it would be a better world. Life without family is not much of a life at all.

Well, now I know.

I'm just a baby-stealing racist with a savior mentality.

Who knew?

Another Year...another photo album

Every year I do a small photo album of Might Mouse to send back to her orphanage.

Originally, it was meant to be sent out on her birthday. That just didn't work out. I read all the books on "anniversary grief and birthday grief", so I expected that. But I didn't expect that I would suffer from it also.

So, it takes about 2 months before I can sit down and sift through some pictures to put together. I send the director and nurses/nannies a snapshot of our little girls life. They were so good to her. She was well taken care of. She was more fortunately than so many of the orphans are.

I keep it small and portable so I can find someone traveling to receive their new child to hand deliver the album. This way I don't have to worry about it getting lost in the mail or the orphanage being charged some kind of duty or tax on it. So far it has worked perfectly.

MM asks questions about where she came from. She likes to watch the video of our visit to the orphanage. She knows they took care of her when she didn't have a family of her own. She also knows we don't know why she no longer had a family. She understands that China selected her for us and told us we could come get her and give her a family.

So far, we haven't seen any grief manifestations around her birthday. Maybe that is because it isn't right? I don't know. The birth date is a guess. One day, all too soon, she is going to figure out that she has LOST so much. Then, we are prepared for the grief and feelings of being unwanted by her parents.

For now, I feel those pains for her. I wonder WHY. Was it the one child policy? An unmarried woman? The grandparents being unhappy that she wasn't a boy? Does she think of MM? Does she ache with the memory...or has she replaced her with another? Is she the first and only that they have left? Or does she have other siblings living in other adopted homes while they try for a boy over and over?

I don't know.

What I do know, is that our lives have been enriched beyond measure. Our family is forever changed for the better. We also have complicated our lives by adopting a child of another race, that we have taken from her culture and birth land. We took it all from her.

My daughter is anxiously attached. She must touch me, sit on me, be right by me about 50% of her day. But this is better. Its not as frantic as it used to be and I believe she is ready for school and the day away from mom. It took alot of work to get here; but we are here.

If I am cross with her or raise my voice to her.....she comes apart. It is not funny. It is not pretty. It makes me angry - that she has lost so much, so many times, that she has no confidence that it won't happen again. Adults did this to her.

So doing this album every year is pretty much gut wrenching for me. It brings alot of thoughts and emotions to the forefront of my mind.

And I'm thankful for this. Why? Because when it does start to sink in, and she does start to ask those questions, I will have the slightest glimmer of what she's thinking and feeling. And I hope this lesson teaches me to handle her with the grace, love and understanding that she deserves.

A snapshot...

Sometimes, the most simple moment is also the most profound.

Maybe its looking up and seeing two miracles walking across the grass.

It can bring a love and sadness and joy so strong it will bring you to your knees. In public. Surrounded by so many others. Others that see your face and know so many of your thoughts. And will get down on their knees with you and bless God, or fate or whatever power they believe in.

A look to the left. A quick glance. A child that survived cancer. A child that was left in the darkness of the night, just before dawn.

They shouldn't be here.

We should be broken by loss. Or aching with empty arms for a child that never was.

Yet.

Their arms are here. Wrapped around us.

Their hearts are ours - for loving and safe keeping.

Their laughter and tears are a part of our days and nights.

What they add to our lives is not measurable.

And mostly, we forget, in the everyday sameness of life, just what an astounding blessing this day brings.

Until we look up. And catch a glimpse out of the corner of our eyes.

Of two miracles. Walking through the grass.

She Got In: Or, A Tale of Two Schools

We got the call today that Mighty Mouse was selected for a specific Charter School we applied for. This is fantastic....and a pain all at the same time.

So - from this point, if you are not interested in transracial parenting or adoption or such, skip this post.

Here's where we start....

We live in a good school district. A rather good school district. This was great when we moved here and enrolled Songbird and began sending her off to class.

The schools have good test scores. The Middle and High schools are practically brand new and not shabby (yet small). The schools aren't huge. There is all kinds of tutoring available...for free. Lots of little benefits. No gang/violence problems or serious/huge drug problems beyond the norm.

Now, it is time for Mighty Mouse to start school.

So we should be thrilled, right?

So not.

(Here we go again.) The school district is BEYOND white. Worse than the Omaha schools we came out of. Shockingly white - which I did not expect from Texas schools.

So the dilemma of race rears its head. What do we do about it?

We can ignore it. After all, we are in a great school district! The class sizes aren't that big (although that is constantly changing as we are in a growth area). She will get a great education! They are already familiar with her and vice versa as she went through about 6 months of speech the first half of this year. They already have an IEP in place for her even.

What is my problem?? (This is where other parents shake their heads at me or roll their eyes and elbow each other.) It. Is. Too. White. And newsflash....Mighty Mouse is NOT white.

But her family is all white.
And her church is predominantly white.
And the grocery store we go to has mostly white patrons. (I tried to change this but the produce is the deciding factor.)
Our neighborhood is mostly white (yet not as white as Omaha, thank goodness).

So where is my daughter's racial identity validated in all of this???

How about nowhere?

So this specific Charter school came to my attention when Songbird was invited to tour and learn about it as an alternative to her district when she participated in a science fair. She was having problems with some girls at the time and thought she wanted to change schools so I took her to check it out (knowing fully well she wouldn't switch). I liked the brochures and the promises of diversity and classes based on other cultures.

So, we took the tour. Songbird realized there was NO choir. No go. As predicted.

And I got what I wanted. A look at a school where white is the minority and browns of all kinds are the majority. The class sizes are about 15 students. The test scores are off the charts. No child is allowed to fall behind in any subject....required Saturday tutoring if this begins to occur. Home visits by the teachers. Parents required to be involved.

The ONLY drawback is that I am required to provide all transportation. This means twice daily trips into town. It's going to cost.

And hubs was NOT happy about this one point.

I look at it like she's going to a private school...with the cost of gas and miles on the car as the price.

It is so worth it.

For her.

Even though just about everyone, including my better half, think I'm nuts. Why should I worry about that at this young age? She's fine with being with mostly whites! Who see's color nowadays anyways????

Well. I'm excited for MM anyways. I know she's going to love it. And we will still have racial incidents - human nature pretty much guarantees it. But its the only front I have been able to make any progress on since we moved here.

Sigh.

Guess I'll celebrate by myself.

Her Mother is Dead???

So Mighty Mouse is adopted. It's very obvious.

And she knows that brother and sister grew in mommy's tummy. She grew in her China Mommy's tummy. Even though she wanted to grow in my tummy - she KNOW's she did not. This is almost a daily topic of conversation around here.

MM is nowhere near as advanced as some of the other children her age and much younger when it comes to adoption questions. Some kids start trying to figure this out by the time they are 2. MM gave us until 4 before she started questioning her story and her life.

We have always read her story books about adoption.

We have always watched her video of when we went to get her in China and bringing her home. It's actually her favorite thing to watch.

We have a sort-of Lifebook. It's her story that I put together for her. She likes to flip through it also.

We answer every question she asks - truthfully - not cleaned up or pretty (while balancing age appropriateness).

Sometimes we bring it up for some reason or another.

We attend functions that are full of other adoptive families that look just like ours.

It is not a subject we are afraid of. It is a subject that can be hard to answer her questions about. She doesn't like to hear that we don't know an answer.

This weekend we went through the whole "You are the best mommy in the world" routine she likes to do with me. We were in the backyard pulling up weeds.

Out of the blue she tells me her mother is dead.

She is???

Her CHINA mommy, she tells me.

I tell her I don't know for sure, but I don't think so.

She assures me its true. She remembers.

At this point I hollar over to hubs - Hey! Did you know MM's China mother is dead??

"She is?? He questioned.

At which point MM rolls her eyes and say - "Just kidding".

Now. How the heck was I supposed to handle that? I'm quite sure I bungled it pretty good. But what in the world do you say to that???

Sigh.

I sure hope she survives my parenting.

Parenting Rules I've Broken...or What an Adopted Child Will Teach You

For the longest time, we were the perfect little family of four. We had a son first, and then a daughter 6 years later.

And we had all those parenting rules we used.

You know the ones:

1. Do not co-sleep. Children belong in their own beds. Or, parents need their privacy and have no business bringing kids into their beds. Kids will stay in your bed forever and be hard to get into their own beds. And kids need to know how to put themselves back to sleep...to self-sooth.

2. Do not let your kids be picky eaters. They will not starve themselves and will eventually eat what you give them as long as you don't give in. This is important as you are building up their future health by feeding them a balanced diet.

3. Put your child in child-care type situations as soon as possible. You don't want to have a child that will only go to mommy. Children that will not go to others are spoiled. It needs to be broken. This is not healthy for the child.

4. The goal of parenting is to teach independence as soon as possible.

5. All you need is love. If you love a child, they will love you back. Are wounds are healed by love.

6. Screaming, crying, acting-out children in public show a lack of parenting skills.

7. The younger the child at adoption, the less likely you will have problems.

8. If I am not racist, my kids will not do anything or be racist either.

9. Therapy is only for the really bad kids.

10. Your kids actions are a reflection on you.

Some of these rules the first two taught us were no good. But for the most part, they played right into all this.

And then we adopted. Talk about one of the most rewarding things we have ever done!! It's a whole different dimension of love brought into our family. And talk about life lessons at every turn!

Lately I've seen a rash of posts on parenting issues. And I read these and laugh. 5 years ago I would have been nodding my head in agreement and dancing all around that band wagon.

Not so anymore.

So here is a glimpse of some of the parenting lessons our little Mighty Mouse has proven to be faulty at best -- and ridiculous to the extreme.

1. Co-sleeping. Talk about a hot button issue. And before I get any lectures, you need to know that we lost a niece that was under a year old while co-sleeping. Yes, I know there are dangers..although in that case I do not believe the co-sleeping was in the least responsible -- but I've heard all about how that had to be it. Hogwash.

a.) Children need their own beds/rooms. Ok. How about when the child has been co-sleeping with foster parents or, as in our case, sleeping with a crib mate or in a room with 30 other infants. So, you think its humane to slap that baby down in a bed and a room all by herself? No sounds of others sleeping to comfort her? Just dead silence in a situation where there has never been silence before? And playing a radio is not a physical presence. They know that.

Now, there are different ways of co-sleeping. It could mean in the bed. It could mean in a co-sleeper, attached to the bed. In our case it meant in a travel crib right up against my side of the bed. I could reach out a hand and touch her when she got restless and upset...and she would quiet right down and go back to sleep.

b.) Parents need their privacy. Yes, they do. Get creative. It can be done. Different timing, different rooms, whatever. Have an affair with your spouse. Get a sitter and go somewhere..... It's a season. It's not forever.

c.) Kids will never leave your bed. Whatever. Now, it will be harder for some than others. In our case, we moved to a new house at two, showed her what room was going to be hers and she slept in it from the first night on...even on a sleeping bag before the furniture arrived. Yes. We were shocked speechless. Others have a harder time but it can be done.

And on that subject, once MM was old enough to be out of a travel crib, we changed the arrangements to a sleeping bag. No padding. Nothing special. We didn't make it comfortable on purpose. And after moving to her own room, whenever she needed us at night and was frightened, we drag out the sleeping bag and she can sleep by the bed. (From day one she had a crib in a room that she shared with her sister - and it was always referred to as her bed.)

d.) Kids needs to know how to self sooth. Ummm, with adopted children, you have to BREAK self-soothing behavior and teach them to rely on you as a parent. This is shooting yourself in the foot and prolonging attachment. Mostly this is a orphanage behavior but is also seen in negelcted children.

2. Picky eaters. I think I covered this in my last post pretty well. Our child will hold out until she looses enough weight that we have to stop. Its not worth a neglect charge. Some kids have the staying power and will to outlast you beyond the safe point. Don't assume all kids can be manipulated with food withholding.

And yes, the fact that she is not getting the nutrition base she needs drives me insane. I want her to be healthy. I want her to eat meat and veggies. I want my choices of out to eat to be NOT limited to whether or not they have something that she will eat. (And now that she is almost 5 I have no problem with eating in front of her and telling her she can eat when we get home since she doesn't want anything they have. I don't cater very often.)

3. Child care situations. I used to think a child that couldn't be left for an hour was a spoilt brat. I beg forgivness for this now. MM spent years terrified. Think about it. Abandoned at about a month old while you are sleeping. Six months later handed over to complete space aliens after waking up from a car ride/nap. It seemed like every time she closed her eyes, her entire world and everything she loved was GONE. How does she know I'm coming back? The others didn't. And this is all pre-verbal. All these memories are remember by feelings, not words. And those feelings? Terror. Fear. Confusion. Crying. So, in situations where it looks like she's being left by her latest love interest....complete terror. There is no crying it out. It is sheer terror. And the only answer is mom. Guess what....babysitters and child care can wait a couple years. Its a season. A season the child NEEDS in order to learn to trust. She has NO REASON to trust at this point. (It took 3 years for her to work through this...but now she is easily left and comfortable being left.)

4. Independence as soon as possible. See above. What she needed to learn was trust and relationships. She needs to know there are people she can depend on...and practice. This will help her be a loving mother later on. If she never learns dependence, she will spend a lifetime of broken relationships or skin deep relationships that never go anywhere.

5. All you need is love. No. Love does not fix everything. Some of these children come to you unable to love. It can take years of therapy to work on this...as again, most of the damage was done before language developed in the child. They might not be able to tell you the problem...they just react to the primal memory of the feelings. Some children cannot be fixed. Ever.

6. Screaming and acting out in public are parenting issues. See above. And some disorders NEED a non-reaction at first. You have no idea if THAT KID is one of the damaged ones, and THAT MOM is doing what she needs to do at the moment.

7. The younger the child at adoption, the less likely the problems. Thousands of parents can refute this one. The child had 9 months with their birth mother even if they are given away at birth. The fact that the child has no language does not mean it has no senses or feelings. You have no idea how each individual child is going to react as they grow or even right away.

8. If I'm not a racist, my children will not do anything racist/ or the flip side, if a child does something racist they got it from the home. BIG MISTAKE. Whether your child started child care or kindergarten first, they are spending larger chunks of their weekdays with others than with mom and dad. And in the pre-teen and teen years they are all about their peers. Be careful what your kids pick up from care givers, teachers and peers. It's not always the parent responsible. BUT, the parent is responsible for STOPPING the problem and teaching the kid what they did wrong, etc. But don't fall into the trap of immediatley assuming racist comments come from the home.

9. Therapy is only for really bad kids. Therapy is supposed to help....hopefully BEFORE it is used to fix. I've read several stats that say that adopted children are over represented in therapy. Duh. We are forced to go through so many classes. We are taught what kinds of things could be potential problems and where to go to get help. How many birth parents are given this same info? NONE.

If you think something is wrong, it is okay to look for answers and ask questions of professionals. They will tell you if you are over-reacting. And they probably know better than your neighbor what are the big warning flags. There is no shame in trying to fix a problem before it becomes too big to ignore. Trust your gut.

10. Your child's actions are a reflection on you.

If your child does something stupid, like keying cars or shoplifting or something -- this does not make you a failure as a person. If you taught them right from wrong, walked the walk and were a parent for that child.....then you did right. You can't beat yourself up with what is wrong with you or how you are a lousy parent. We were all born with free will. The kids are more than capable of doing something they have been taught is wrong. YOU didn't do this.

If you know you've been the best parent you can be. If you respond and teach in the situations where your kids are in the wrong. Let the guilt go. You did your part. They have to do theirs.

So. I hope those die-hards on some issues will at least consider that they might not have the answer for every kid. It just doesn't work that way. And I was one of the worst offenders of this kind of thinking at one point.

We are all different. We know this as adults. So why would we expect everyone to parent the same and there be only one right way?

We need to grow up.

Not Another Racism Post

I'm quite sure my friends get tired of hearing about racism. So, fair warning, this is a serious post...a sort of rant. If you are not in the mood skip this one.

Since adopting and becoming a interracial family, I have made it a point to learn as much as I can about racism. What it is. How to fight it. How to react. What to do. All that. Sounds kind of silly to a lot of people, but I found that about 80% of the whites I know don't have any idea that this is still a big problem in our country. We are literally able to go about our daily lives and never be touched by it in a significant way. We live in a bubble. And in this country, that is very easy to do if you are white. That is just wrong. That is white privelge.

So I read web sites. I read books. I watch programs.

I try.

I want the best of the world. I want the best for my daughter. I don't want to ignore or shrug off any racism she deals with in life. I might not be able to empathize, but I want to support, fight and sympathize as determined by what she needs of me.

To learn these things you need a voice of experience. Hence all the reading. Adoptee blogs and websites abound. For 4 years I have read them. And its not easy. Having anger directed at you for an issue you did not cause is hard. Having anger directed at you for the privilege of living in a bubble...once again something that was provided for me, not by me....is hard. But it needs to be recognized and torn down.

I've fought the racist comments in my own family...even the "well meaning" use of word deemed unacceptable by other races. I've had these conversations with other adoptive parents. I talk to my friends about it. I point out to complete strangers when they say something that is racist. I'm not 100% right on ... but I am actively taking steps and striving. But you know what? I can always chose to step away from this and return to a world where race is not an every day issue. White privelge. That's wrong.

First, let me say to all those who will say this...... being picked on, singled out for a feature, and made fun of for something...IS NOT RACISM. Racism is so much more than that. The fact that you have never been in that position does not mean it does not exist. Racism is soul deep and can be life destroying. Racism is being thought of and treated like you are less than human. You are sub-par. You are kept from things and oportunities based on nothing more than your skin color. You FEAR for no other reason than what can be done to you because of the color of your skin.

Now, many people will ignore what I just said. Because I'm white, I'm not talking with a voice of authority. It's all second hand. So, in order to get resistant, ignorant (not stupid, just didn't know) people to listen, you have to have a voice of experience.

And there's where it all breaks down.

In the last four years this is what I've run up against at almost every turn.

1. The victims are not responsible for being our teachers. Yes. This makes sense. Do you really think people of color want to spend all their time dealing with white people trying to learn about race? They already live under it...why should they spend even more time on this mess by teaching whites what they don't know? Can you imagine how you'd feel? Dealing with ignorance or hate is not a pleasant thing to do on the best of days. Especially when you did nothing to bring this on.

I'd also like to point out that the biggest changes are usually made by victims. They are vested in the outcome and will fight harder. The horrible death of Adam resulted in the show "America's Most Wanted" which removed many criminals from our streets. The victim made these changes. I'm sure that you can think of other examples to support this.

So no, the victims should not be required or expected in any way to be our teachers....but they are the most effective ones to make the changes we need. The victims also happen to be the experts.

Breakdown. And I don't see any fix for this one.

2. The adoptee's I have read (notice I did not say ALL ANGRY adoptees) that are against interracial adoption do not appear to be interested in solving the problems. They are having their say and trying to find others to relate to. They tend to be angry about the racism where they grew up and the lack of support from their white parents or peers. A good thing to be angry about. They tend to want all interracial adoptions stopped because of these conditions. And adoptee's that don't feel this way are often told that they are just burying the truth inside of them or lying to keep from hurting their parents feelings.

Then they turn around and use all the tactics, language, and finger pointing that they accuse the the whites of using. Things like "all adoptive parents". Isn't that the same as saying "all blacks or browns"? Lumping them all together and erasing individuality? They tell us we CAN'T learn. It's an ISM. I am a racist because I adopted a child of another race? I'm a racist because I disagree or ask questions about a brown persons actions or words that are the same as white racist use?

When I've ask how its different.....I've been called a racist and told I'm too stupid to understand or just flat out not capable because I'm white. But I'm asking. I WANT to understand. I WANT to be able to make others understand. I'm asking the voice of authority on this. And you know the most common thing I hear? Seeking power for colored people is not the same thing as disenfranchising whites.

So its about wanting power? Ok. All people should have power...or be on the same level with the same oportunities. Too bad that as I ask questions, their use of power is to respond in the same ways they complain about being treated. It's wrong from either side. It looks like they want to do to others all that has been done to them. All I'm seeing so far is abuse of power. And yes, I believe that non-whites ARE the authority or power on the topic of racism.

And yes, I'm very sure there are many whites that ask questions that are really being hateful and resisting. To drive away all the others that are actively trying to learn and make changes...and need to know how something is different when it looks just the same. Huge Breakdown.

3. After the name calling, being told I can not understand or change or whatever..... THEN there is the complaint that the whites always just throw up their hands and say nothing will ever change so why should I even try.

Knocked down at every turn. Treated in the manner we are told/know it is wrong to treat others. Dismissed as stupid or unable to learn. Treated with contempt.

On the other hand, walk away from it. Sink back into the oblivion of white privege.

What do you think most people are going to do?

As for me, I'll keep reading. I'll keep trying to fight the powers that be on issues that are racist. I will do my best to be vigilant in my area. I will do what I can to support my daughter and the things she will deal with. I will support whatever fight she wants to bring on - and how much involvement she wants me to have.

And its not enough.

PS - I will also do what I learned from these adoptees....I will use the delete button on comments that don't support my views. (Not.) Just watch your language please, its a family blog.

Happy Chinese New Year

January 26 marks the first day of 2009 on the Chinese Lunar Calendar. It is considered one of the most important holidays to the Chinese and can last up to a month long. Transportation and accomodations in China during this time are hard to come by as millions of migrant workers and students flock to home. Businesses shut down for at least a week...many as long as the holiday lasts.

This year is the year of the Ox. Those born in ox years tend to be painters, engineers, and architects. People born in the Year of the Ox are patient, speak little, and inspire confidence in others. They tend, however, to be eccentric, and bigoted, and they anger easily. They have fierce tempers and although they speak little, when they do they are quite eloquent. Ox people are mentally and physically alert. Generally easy-going, they can be remarkably stubborn, and they hate to fail or be opposed. They are most compatible with Snake, Rooster, and Rat people. Jack Nicholson, Jane Fonda, Walt Disney and Anthony Hopkins were all born in the year of the ox.

Our FCC group (Families with Children from China) held our annual celebration on Saturday in Temple, Texas. Our family drove down to enjoy a few hours with the other families in Central Texas at a great Chinese place. There was crafts and a magician and good food and friends. Seven families brough babies home this year...most of which we met for the first time that day. Also, I stepped down from my Vice President position along with the other officers and we passed leadership on to the next set. I look forward to seeing what they will come up with as activities for the year as we have so few resources in our area.

This is also the time of year that I think alot about MM's mother. Is she enjoying the holidays with her family? Is she healthy? Does she have other children? Does she think about the little girl she left along the market road? And, WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?????

I know I can't understand a different culture with a different view of the value of life. I know I've never walked in her shoes. But mostly, I grieve for the fact that I have NO answers to give to my daughter. And it is highly unlikely that I will ever have answers. I have had someone investigate the police report and try to find out who found her and called the police. No luck. No trail. Nothing to offer my child other than pictures of the police station she was taken to, and the area she was found. Not much at all.

Right now my baby is all about who's tummy did she grow in. She wants to know if her China mommy went to the hospital. And all I can give her is an "I don't know."

I could do like others and tell her that she was "left to be found" or that of course she was born in a hospital. But why would I do that? I don't have that information. And I'm not going to make it up just to make my baby feel better....until she gets older and finds out that I'm guessing. Not touching that. But I really hate telling her that I don't know.

And how did this turn into a post about adoption????

So, back to Chinese New Year! Some of my favorite pics from the WWW.....

I've been Tagged

Heather at Wanting What You Have tagged me today.

The instructions are:

* Go to your Sixth Picture Folder then pick your Sixth Picture.

* Pray that you remember the details.

* Tag 5 others.


The details: Feb 2008. Chinese New Year. Mighty Mouse and her friend Little Miss Sunshine. Before moving to Texas I found out there was another Foshan Nanhai baby in the area and we made contact. The girls are 4 months apart in age and love to get together for play dates.

I've never tagged anyone before (oh the pressure!!!) but I'll give it a shot this time.

1. Kylie at Bus Driver
2. Donna at Confessions of a Crazy Lady
3. Carrie at with all I've been given
4. Sandra at Diary of a Stay At Home Mom
5. Rose at Growing Colin

Thank you Heidi!!

Every year I put together a photo book of Mighty Mouse to send back to her orphanage. Then I find a family traveling to pick up their new baby and ask if they will hand carry the book to orphanage. I don't trust the mail.

This year Heidi agreed to take MM's book (and let others know that she would be happy to take others if anyone wanted them to). They are in China right now adopting their little boy. The neat thing is that this is a military family also and they had to wait a little longer than some for the husband to return from the desert and be able to travel with the rest of the family to pick up their new son.

Heidi posted this little link on their travel site. MM's book is the one in the middle being held by the directors assistant. The wonderful director is on the left.