Dear Mommies at the Colubus Zoo....

Overwhelmingly, ya'll sucked.

And not just a little.

Did you lose your minds by picking the busiest day of the year to go to the zoo? Is that why you were so rabid?

Did all of you pinch your kids at the same time? Do they always cry like that in public? Or...have you just not figured out how to schedule fun during times it remains fun, instead of at nap time?

Dear mommy with kid slapping you over and over in the face. Seriously????? Is that fun for you? Are you intimidated to disciple in public? Do you ever discipline? What is up with that sister???? (And if you have a RAD child....God bless and keep you.)

Dear mommy with child that screamed, yelled, ran and beat on things while spewing filth. Most kids don't have that kind of vocabulary pre-kindergarten. Wow. I think I can safely say sugar is not her friend. Try some fresh veggies on that kid. Clean up her diet a little and see if it doesn't help. Seriously. I'm trying to help. After all, it was refusing to buy her more sugar that caused the fit. This is a big clue.

Dear mommy with the 1st/2nd grader in a stroller. Get her out. You do realize this is part of why she is so overweight right? She needs to use her legs. And cut out the pop. Try some good old fashioned water on the kid. She'll hate it at first but not as much as she's going to hate spending her life overweight.

To the wonderful stroller pushers......you guys were the best of the lot. Probably because you can see who you are going to hit and mostly had good enough manners not to. For those that ran over people on purpose....I can only hope one day you will buy a clue. Guess what? Having a child in a stroller does not give you permission to go to the head of the line, or ram others out of your way because they aren't moving fast enough for you. In that kind of crowd, everyone is frustrated, not just you. And no, others do NOT have to think of you before themselves just because you have a stroller/child. Luckily there are still plenty of people that will - but that is manners, not requirement.

Dear wagon pullers. This one will be hard to keep clean. I've never seen so many completely oblivious women in my life. You can't see what is behind you. A quick look over your shoulder could save others and your kids lots of contact no one was interested in having. Or pull over to the side. Everyone expects you will stop when traffic is backed up or at exhibits....but in the middle of the walkway, with nothing in sight, for no apparent reason? I would love to have a head count of how many people went home with busted shins from this type of behavior. And how many children had strangers fall onto them in their wagon. And mom...when the kid got hurt by a stranger falling on them when you stopped with no warning...it is YOUR fault. You had all the power in this case. You chose to stop with no warning or apparent reason in the middle of the walkway in a huge, huge crowd. I just don't get it. That many of you could not have been first time pullers.

*******************************
Obviously we went to the zoo last Friday. It was crowed and at first was one of the most awful experiences I have had to date. I actually was feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack. After about 40 minutes we went back out to the car and had a tailgate lunch.

Poor Songbird has such a sore mouth we had no choice but to bring a picnic lunch...even though I know we would have anyways. But she requested some egg salad and we had hummus and applesauce for a sweet. Lots of water as it was rather warm. (If its under 98 its not truly hot in my book.)

Anyways, it was after one when we went back in so most of the mommies with littles were leaving as we were going back in! And we laughed the whole way at the amazing array of misbehaving, crying, screaming kids on the way out to their cars. Not because we were being mean but because we have been through it 3 times. Yes. It was time for a nap. Actually, the smart ones would not have stayed past 12:30 if they wanted to make it out before the meltdowns! LOL! I think I can finally say I'm glad we aren't doing this age again!

The rest of the visit was much better as far as the crowds were concerned. That first time in made me crazy. Never ever seen that many people at a zoo.

But it was just one of those days that at every turn there was really bad or rude behavior.

I don't get that.

We listened at one man screaming with profanity about how much he paid to get in and see nothing but rocks. It was the worst zoo he had ever been to. Which made Dion and I laugh (lucky we didn't get belted) because it was the middle of the day. The animals are all inside taking a nap! You go the first two and last two hours if you really have a burning desire to see all the creatures. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. Not worthy of profanity in a circle of kids either.

And there is one long concrete tunnel you pass under. Well the echo is to die for. So letting your kids hoop and hollar a little is fun. But full fledged screaming and piercing shriek? Um...parent much? Did you not care about the people that were covering their ears and running out of the tunnel...some with actual tears in their eyes????? (That is not an exaggeration! And it was a zoo staff member even that had tears!!) I actually wondered if you were deaf until I saw you were carrying on a conversation with the person with you. That was quite a feat. I was looking at the child when he emerged from the shadows and he noticed so he screamed louder. And I felt very sad for him...because I got the feeling that mom doesn't pay this guy much attention (he was about 10 with a sibling in a stroller). Negative attention is better than no attention, right?

So we weren't very impressed with the famous Columbus Zoo. But we also did not go to the water park or the amusement park they have. You paid alot just to go to the zoo (well, we didn't as it was free for military that day) and then everything else was extra. Way too much money.

But I must say they had the BEST Manatee exhibit I've ever seen. I could sit in there for hours.

Plus, they allow you to bring food and drink and eat in the park. I'm always amazed at zoos that don't allow that.

And maybe if I went on a day it wasn't so crowded I would like it even more.

But for now, I'm still sticking with the Omaha Zoo being the best ever.



***And for those that don't know me well, all the mommy bashing is said in frustration with a rotten day.....I do not hate mommies or kids. I love them. I would have a half dozen more kids if I could.

Well, not after the zoo, but before it.

Your Childs Reality Does NOT Belong To You

Hopefully this will be a cohesive post. My thoughts are pretty jumbled on the subject as I have children I gave birth to and an adopted child and what I've learned and lived is all rolled up together in both sets of issues.

The key point: Our child's views and realities do not belong to us.


I read a post over at a friends blog about a mother who spoke out recently when her son died. He had a drug problem. And she has been crucified in blogland and her parenting questioned. Her worth as a parent and person has been questioned by others. Because its HER failure....

I have raised a son to adulthood. It was not easy. During the most important years dad was always deployed. This resulted in lots of anger and acting out. It resulted in incidents. And that first incident? It about killed me. I was feeling really broken. I was feeling like a terrible parent. We were beating ourselves up and discussing what to do -- and Hubs made the comment that we had failed. Where had we gone wrong? What should we have done differently?

And while pondering together I had a revelation. We weren't bad parents. There is nothing we could have done to prevent this (outside of never letting him leave the house). The things that I would have done different if I had it to do over again -- I don't think they would have changed the outcome either.

Because bottom line is...

Your kid is a separate individual than you.

They have their own personalities.

They will make their own decisions regardless of the teachings/parenting they have had. It is all in THEIR hands.

And that is the way it is supposed to be.

I know, I know. You are sitting there saying, "We knew that already!"

Well so did I.

Or so I thought. But just like faith -- believing something and living something are two different things.


Now jump forward a few years and add adoption into the picture.

I spend a fair amount of time reading the blogs of adult adoptees. As an adoptive parent this is very rarely a pleasant experience. (Not that it is necessarily unpleasant either - it is just reality and not pretty when you look at the true realities of adoption.)

And reading one adoptee's site is always painful for me. Not because of what she is saying about the evil adoptive parents and the industry....NO. It's just her thoughts and feelings and her life. It's real. It's all about her thoughts of what could have been, etc.

And it reflects the inner life my daughter lives/will live.

And no one can change it. Not her, not me, not anyone.

And its not even my place to try.

But you will have the people come out of the woodwork and say that adoptees need to get over themselves. Be grateful for all the good they had. Like the good cancels the bad.

How brutal!

My daughter has a life that pre-dates me. And she doesn't need to be grateful to me! Her personality is not to be bound by MY reality (sunshine and rainbow and adoption is so grand!). HER reality is that she has a mother other than myself. A mother that did not keep her. And no matter what she has with me -- it does not cancel out what she lost. What could have been.

Get over it?

Seriously?

So adoptees are supposed to amputate part of who they are because its ungrateful not to?

That is sick.

Because our children - adopted or biological - are not bound by what we give them. Or what we teach them. Or what we think they should feel.

They are just a separate person that we have the gift of loving. The gift of raising (if we are lucky).

And they don't belong to us. They only belong to themselves. Our boundaries and teachings and love, etc., is only valid in their lives as long as they allow it to be valid. They can turn all of it off whenever they want.

And it doesn't matter what you taught them. It doesn't matter what you gave them. It doesn't matter all you did for them. It doesn't matter what YOU feel they should think or do.

It's all up to them.

So please. Don't treat your children like their reality is what YOU make it. Don't tell kids why they should think like you and then be surprised when they reject your standards. Don't tell an adopted child the good cancels out the bad.

Respect the fact that they have their own reality. And whether that reality reflects good on you or not as a parent....is not up to us. And don't let yourself fall into the trap of letting their choices define YOU as a parent or a person.

And for goodness sake people....get rid of the word "grateful". Not a single one of our kids ASKED to be born or adopted to us. They don't OWE us ANYTHING.


****Just to be clear - I'm not saying we shouldn't parent or teach or model or be anything less than a 100% involved parent. I'm just saying you do not have control over what your child ultimately thinks. You do not put the thoughts in their head. They don't owe you certain behaviors or thoughts. They are not your robot. They WILL make decisions you would not have made. They will feel whatever it is they feel, whether you agree or not. They do not OWE us certain behaviors or thoughts.

And let me assure you, if you can really embrace this reality and live it...

it actually makes all those bumps in the road so much easier. Because you learn to respect your child on a different level. You learn to allow them their mistakes or feelings without tying yourself and your feelings up in the situation also. You learn to start building that person-to-person relationship sooner alongside that parent-child relationship. (Notice I said ALONGSIDE...not IN PLACE OF.)

So parents...get over YOURSELVES.

And find a whole new depth in your relationship.

Autumn Asks: What's In A Name?

This week, over at Grown in My Heart, the subject is names.

Tell us about names this month…How did you name your children? Did they come to you with names? Did you change them? Did your parents change your name? Do you not feel connected to your name?

Basically, what is in a name?

I hesitate to write on this subject as it is another one of those "hot button" issues in the adoptive parent crowd. I have seen some rather heated and ugly posts on this issue in the last 6 years.

So let me start by saying I believe every family is different. I don't think that just because I do what I do, all others much follow suite. I am not threatened by others doing things their own way. I don't expect others to follow in my shoes.

When it came to adopting a child, I was interested in an existing child living in an orphanage with no family. This is one small reason why we didn't adopt within our own system. I was not interested in private adoption of a newborn infant....there are long waiting lines for that type of adoption by couples that are unable to get pregnant, for one reason or another. I wanted to raise a child that already existed...without a family of their own.

We always understood that our child would already have a name.

A name that pre-dated our relationship and belonged to the child...not to us.

As such we knew we would be keeping at least part, if not all, of this name.

Our choice was to give the child a slightly normal "American" first name in conjunction with the name the child came to us with. We waited until we had the baby's name to pick that name as we wanted the whole thing to sound pleasant together and flow well (Note: If our daughter had been an older child we would not have done even that without considering the childs wants). We did keep the whole Chinese name as it was rather short. Of course we ended it with our last name. For sake of easy, on forms we combine the two Chinese names - nobody knows the difference.

This has worked well for us. She has a name that is not too terribly uncommon (all of our names in my family are slightly different so we couldn't go plain Jane on her). We use the nickname the nannies used for her occasionally...and she knows that. At any point in her future, should she decide to drop the first name we gave her and use the name the orphanage gave her, we will support that...and even pay for it.

This is our comfort zone. We have not taken from her something that belongs to her.

Many people I know discarded all names their child came with and chose to give them family names and such as part of the claiming process. I understand why they feel that way.

Others chose to give their children a new Chinese name as the orphanage name is not the name the first family gave them. They don't feel that an orphanage name is important or any different than giving an all American name. Or maybe that orphanage name is not flattering. I know some people that have consulted with other Chinese to help them pick a name that is right for their child and has a good meaning in Chinese. Both sound like wonderful and valid choices.

As the adoptive parent, I think we have to choose what seems right in our family dynamics. As long as we are willing to support our children in their opinions, I think there is no right or wrong.

It's the importance that the child puts on the name that comes first for us. My place in my daughter's life is not to replace or erase her past. My place is to support her and her story to the best of my ability. None of that is about me.

So, for me, what's in a name?

Whatever my daughter wants...that's what.

A snapshot...

Sometimes, the most simple moment is also the most profound.

Maybe its looking up and seeing two miracles walking across the grass.

It can bring a love and sadness and joy so strong it will bring you to your knees. In public. Surrounded by so many others. Others that see your face and know so many of your thoughts. And will get down on their knees with you and bless God, or fate or whatever power they believe in.

A look to the left. A quick glance. A child that survived cancer. A child that was left in the darkness of the night, just before dawn.

They shouldn't be here.

We should be broken by loss. Or aching with empty arms for a child that never was.

Yet.

Their arms are here. Wrapped around us.

Their hearts are ours - for loving and safe keeping.

Their laughter and tears are a part of our days and nights.

What they add to our lives is not measurable.

And mostly, we forget, in the everyday sameness of life, just what an astounding blessing this day brings.

Until we look up. And catch a glimpse out of the corner of our eyes.

Of two miracles. Walking through the grass.

She Got In: Or, A Tale of Two Schools

We got the call today that Mighty Mouse was selected for a specific Charter School we applied for. This is fantastic....and a pain all at the same time.

So - from this point, if you are not interested in transracial parenting or adoption or such, skip this post.

Here's where we start....

We live in a good school district. A rather good school district. This was great when we moved here and enrolled Songbird and began sending her off to class.

The schools have good test scores. The Middle and High schools are practically brand new and not shabby (yet small). The schools aren't huge. There is all kinds of tutoring available...for free. Lots of little benefits. No gang/violence problems or serious/huge drug problems beyond the norm.

Now, it is time for Mighty Mouse to start school.

So we should be thrilled, right?

So not.

(Here we go again.) The school district is BEYOND white. Worse than the Omaha schools we came out of. Shockingly white - which I did not expect from Texas schools.

So the dilemma of race rears its head. What do we do about it?

We can ignore it. After all, we are in a great school district! The class sizes aren't that big (although that is constantly changing as we are in a growth area). She will get a great education! They are already familiar with her and vice versa as she went through about 6 months of speech the first half of this year. They already have an IEP in place for her even.

What is my problem?? (This is where other parents shake their heads at me or roll their eyes and elbow each other.) It. Is. Too. White. And newsflash....Mighty Mouse is NOT white.

But her family is all white.
And her church is predominantly white.
And the grocery store we go to has mostly white patrons. (I tried to change this but the produce is the deciding factor.)
Our neighborhood is mostly white (yet not as white as Omaha, thank goodness).

So where is my daughter's racial identity validated in all of this???

How about nowhere?

So this specific Charter school came to my attention when Songbird was invited to tour and learn about it as an alternative to her district when she participated in a science fair. She was having problems with some girls at the time and thought she wanted to change schools so I took her to check it out (knowing fully well she wouldn't switch). I liked the brochures and the promises of diversity and classes based on other cultures.

So, we took the tour. Songbird realized there was NO choir. No go. As predicted.

And I got what I wanted. A look at a school where white is the minority and browns of all kinds are the majority. The class sizes are about 15 students. The test scores are off the charts. No child is allowed to fall behind in any subject....required Saturday tutoring if this begins to occur. Home visits by the teachers. Parents required to be involved.

The ONLY drawback is that I am required to provide all transportation. This means twice daily trips into town. It's going to cost.

And hubs was NOT happy about this one point.

I look at it like she's going to a private school...with the cost of gas and miles on the car as the price.

It is so worth it.

For her.

Even though just about everyone, including my better half, think I'm nuts. Why should I worry about that at this young age? She's fine with being with mostly whites! Who see's color nowadays anyways????

Well. I'm excited for MM anyways. I know she's going to love it. And we will still have racial incidents - human nature pretty much guarantees it. But its the only front I have been able to make any progress on since we moved here.

Sigh.

Guess I'll celebrate by myself.

Autumn Asks: How Does Your Kindergartener Rate?

I like to read the blog of another adoptive mother called Our Little Tongginator. This week she had a post called Life Ala Tongginator. She ran across one of those lists of things you should do...

This time it was 100 Things To Do Before Kindergarten.

I wondered how Mighty Mouse would fare on this list so here it is:


1. Go to the zoo: Omaha was the best, but Waco's is really not bad.


2. Visit a farm -Arbor Day and Pumpkin farms.

3. Go on a hike - With all the sight seeing we do on vacations this is a yes. But it was never just jump in the car and go hike. And she gets to hike around in the carrier on dad's back. What a chore.
4. Play with kittens or puppies - I want to say yes but I have no clear memory of this.

5. Catch a frog - toads...in our back yard. And how about petting an alligator?
6. Make a gigantic mess -- And it looks even worse right now. I have refused to go in there for 3 weeks. I'm on strike.

7. Help clean up a gigantic mess - if you want to call it that.

8. Master the monkey-bars -nope

9. Swing high up into the sky all by themselves -Nope = powered by mom
10. Try ice-skating -- no

11. Go sledding --yes

12. Make a snow-man - yes

13. Blow bubbles --
14. Plant seeds and watch them grow --

15. Have a pillow fight -- I hope not.

16. Jump on a big bed -- All.The.Time. Not allowed.

17. Jump on a trampoline or in a bounce house -
18. Hang out in a tent -- Yes. Hope to go camping again soon as its been a couple of years.

19. Spend days at the beach --
20. Build sandcastles --
21. Go fishing -- No

22. Go out on a boat -- Not sure. I think so but it could be the other kids that I KNOW have.

23. Play with blocks and puzzles -- all the time

24. Read the classic picture books- all the time

25. Read a classic chapter book --not yet

26. Check out library books with their own library card -- only on mommy's card

27. Get a passport --
28. Carve a pumpkin -- I think so.

29. Hold a newborn baby (to see how much they've grown) --No

30. Love a special doll or stuffed animal -- Does a blanket count??? It's a serious love affair. I have 6 of them to ensure life stays sane.

31. Bake cookies and cakes - her favorite. She always help make her own Birthday cake - she is sure that is some kind of rule or something.

32. Help plan their own birthday party -- she wishes, she tries

33. Go to the circus -- No - she doesn't like loud noises so this kind of thing is out.

34. Go to a museum on a quiet weekday -- Many times, many cities, many states.
35. Play hide-and-seek -- Every day for the last 4 years. If I'm out of sight, she's seeking.
36. Play a board game -- yes

37. Do nothing whatsoever all day -- as often as possible

38. Try a sport -- Does miniture golf count?? She can play the heck out of some mini-golf.
39. Watch a sporting event -- does track count?

40. Learn to swim -- Although she does not know HOW to swim, we can't keep her out of the water.
41. Be tickled in hysterics -- From day 1

42. Paint and draw as much as desired --
43. Have the use of scissors and glue -- yes
44. Display artworks and other creations around the house -- and everyone else's house she can get her hands on.

45. Learn to use a camera (and keep an album of the results!) -- no

46. Play with clay -- She likes playdough better. Not sure why.
47. Pick flowers -- Blue Bonnets and Primrose every spring in Texas.

48. Climb a tree -- Don't think so.

49. Gaze at the moon and stars -- yes

50. Toast marshmallows -- yes - when camping and at a friend's with a fire pit in the back yard

51. Learn to eat an ice-cream cone - no

52. Watch a sunset- she has no interest, I've tried

53. Learn to write her own name -- yes

54. Learn her address and telephone number -- no

55. Learn her parents' full names -- yes

56. Set the table -- helps

57. Clear the table -- helps

58. Help wash the dishes -- when we will let her - NOT helpful

59. Learn to say their pleases and thank yous and excuse mes --yes

60. Watch fireworks -- no - she doesn't like loud noises

61. Go to the ballet or theater or a puppet show -- only in small, quiet locations

62. Put on a ballet or play or puppet show at home --

63. Face paint -- a favorite

64. Dress up in costumes at will -
65. Learn rhymes and poems and songs by heart -- mostly Bible school stuff

66. Have a dance party -- yes

67. Enjoy friends at preschool and at the park -- preschool no, park yes

68. Invite friends over to play -- Her first play buddy was An-Ling. We really miss her!
69. Get to know grandparents -- Yes.

70. Play with cousins -- Yes.

71. Become attached to a wonderful preschool teacher and/or babysitter - no. Has only tolerated babysitters, church, etc for just over a year.

72. Learn the name of our president - no

73. Know the name of their town, state and country -yes and China too

74. Be familiar with a map of the world.- sort of

75. Listen to music from many different ages and genres -- yes

76. Hear and learn words from a different language -- yes (Chinese)

77. Learn the difference between trash and recycling -- yes

78. Grow their own vegetables -- currently doing so

79. Learn to ride a bike (or try!) - with trainging wheels only.
80. Take a road trip -- too many to count!! South Dakato was really fun!

81. Draw a self-portrait - always

82. Slurp alphabet soup- NO , bad manners

83. Learn to twirl spaghetti on a fork - I wish she would eat spaghetti.

84. Pick apples

85. Star in a home movie - from day 1

86. Learn a magic trick - Stealing the hearts of mommy and daddy at first sight.

87. Try different hair-dos - Well, that requires hair. Hair is a rather new arrival on our scene.
88. Practice writing letters - yes

89. Practice counting to 100 - not that high

90. Make up stories - all the time

91. Send a letter - tried

92. Receive a letter -- Yes. From her Nano and the orphanage director in China

93. Ride on a merry-go-round - don't think so but maybe

94. Give away toys and books to less fortunate children -yes

95. Learn the value of coins and bills - no - its all just money

96. Keep a piggy bank -yes

97. Try a musical instrument

98. Have a heartfelt wish granted -If having a family after being in an orphanage counts.

99. Have a heartfelt wish denied -- For her grandfather to get well.

100. Receive a million (make that a billion) heartfelt kisses and hugs from their parents! -- YOU KNOW IT!! Just look at those lips!

Autumn Asks: What Are Your Most Often Used Kid Sayings?

We all grow up in households that have certain phrases or saying our parents use on us. Some of them can be pretty funny or stupid. Some cause serious eye rolling (er...excuse me, its "looking up" according to my current teen).

When I was growing up I had a few favorites.

Whenever we asked where we were going, the answer was usualy: Dallas.

I have come to learn that this was an an answer given to my mother by an uncle when she was little. And it has made its way into our family also. Our kids were always asking where we were (13 hour car trips were measured by the state for our kids - and were very common). Our answer became: We are no where near Dallas. (And we were usually on our way to the DFW area so it was kind of funny.)

Another favorite of my mother's was : Don't touch that! It will give you Yogimitus!

That was the fake, gross medical name for something very nasty. Sometimes gross discriptions of symptoms would accompany the claim. It was never good. And yes, I carried this one over.

I've heard some other people lately using some pretty funny stuff. Some is so very practical or encouraging. All are a learning point if you let them be.

Some of the most used around our house are:


- LIFE ISNT FAIR
-Use your words. (All kids - I hate whining)
- I can't hear whining.
- There is always a winner, and always a loser. You won't be either all the time.
-It would be pretty funny if your face stuck that way. (A Songbird exclusive. Man that kid had a sourpuss face when she didn't get her way for YEARS!)
- But was it fun? (espeically after a loss)
- By participating you are already one step ahead of those that sat in the stands.
- DONT EAT IT!!!! (How I handle girls coming across turds, bugs or anything gross - defuses the panic)
- Never quit. That's the only time you truely lose.
- Do what you love.
- Go ask your father.
- Respect others until they have earned your disrepect. (Backwards from what the world teaches)
- Follow the rules, even when you disagree. (And there is always a process to contest what you think is wrong - do it within those guidelines, with respect.)
-I can't wait until you have children. (Usually accompanied by an evil grin.)
- When you are wrong, own up to it.
-You will always be my baby.
- Justification is nothing more than trying to dodge responsibility.
-Sarcasm does not work on 2 (3,4,5,6)year olds. (both older siblings got this one)
- Your family is with you for life - these friends for only a season. (used mostly in teen years)
- Will this be important in 5 years? (used for perspective)
- Do what you know is right. It will cost you friends, but you will not compromise your beliefs.
- Doing what is right will always make you unpopular.
- Do your best and have no regrets.
-And your point is???
- You will always deal with people that try to hurt you. Learn how to deal with these situations because they never disapear.
- I'm your mother, not your maid.
- And that's why you ride the short bus.
- And this is my problem how?
- Any new holes in your body since last time we saw you? ( a dad exclusive to his only son)
-You must be thinking of your OTHER mother! (because I never said/promised that)
- She/he is a from hubs first marriage. (They never ask which marrage ours is (1st))
- You are my favorite ________(Bones, MM or Songbird) in the whole world.
- I'm going to beat you until your nose bleeds. (lets them know they are off the hook and I'm not mad)
- Bored? Great - go scrub the trashcan. Now. (Not a joke)
-Hah. Wonder how this is gonna turn out....Or... Geee, what's gonna happen next?
- I'm not __________ parent - I'm your parent. The answer is no. Or, I'm not responsible for ____________......I'm responsible for you.
- Seriously????

So what are some of the saying of your house? As you can see, I could use a few more of the positive and sweet sayings to round out the sarcasm.

Autumn Asks: What kind of mother are you?

I have a few christian blogs that I like to follow. They give you verses or stories and how it all applies to everyday life. They are encouraging.

Recently I read a post on one of my favorites and was extremely shocked by the message. I'm not going to mention which blog, because with the exception of this post, they have all been good Godly and loving messages. Not feel good stuff - learning stuff.

This one was beyond harsh. So much so that I found myself gritting my teeth and it just kept rolling around up there in the back of my empty head bothering me. So, now I will purge it.

Let me start by saying I believe in being a stay-at-home mom. I believe it is best for most kids - although not all. I believe more mothers would like to be sahm's. I know we sacrifice greatly for me to stay home. It's important to us.

I also know mother's that do not want to stay home. Mother's that CANNOT stay home as they are the sole income. There are a million other reasons also. And I'll be right up front and say I believe single mothers SHOULD work. How do the kids learn work ethic otherwise?? They have to be TAUGHT. But, work can be defined in many different ways.

And mostly I know there is no single mothering answer for all situation on the face of the earth.

But I also know mother's that should not be mothers. Family members that had kids because it was the next thing to do. They didn't so much want them as check them off a list. But still. I'd not go this far....

"But what did I expect? Young women are having babies amid a culture that has murdered maternity and everything that pertains to it. To have a heart that is warm and welcoming is thought to be a sign of weakness and mental illness.

Many of us grew up without mothering. We ate our bowl of cereal in the morning, gathered up our homework, and caught the bus to school, where we were just a number or a grade. Then we returned home and took out our key and opened up an empty house. When Mother finally arrived home from work, she was tired, and there was supper and laundry and all of the tiny details of running a house. No time for a nice long talk about the bully at school. No time for a story, and often not even a hug or word of affirmation. A few TV shows later, and we were off to brush teeth and crawl into bed in anticipation of another day. And so most of us have come to believe that this is what mothering entails: taking care of the physical needs of a child, but with little left over for the emotional and spiritual care every human being requires."

Ok. My mom worked. That is probably the biggest reason I don't. I HATED being in daycare (I only remember in-home situations, not actual centers). I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with MY family. That is where I was safe and happy. This is what makes me stay home even when its beans and rice....again. What it was not, is the picture above.

As I got older and my mom worked I could not be in extracurricular activities because I had no ride. Mom was working. I came home, threw down the books and camped in front of MTV. Healthy, no?

"In fact, children in this age have been reduced to the status of the family dog. If they are fed well, groomed and given nice little places to sleep and play, parents are considered successful. Just like the faithful family pet, children are allowed inside the lives of their parents periodically, but only on special occasions and with great effort. Then they are shut out again into the cold and expected to deal with loneliness in any way they know how."

I know a couple of these people. But most are not like this. Even if their time is limited, they spend time with the kids. Some even cater in unhealthy ways due to time constraints and guilt. But they FEEL it - they love their child.

And here is my other problem with this bit of writing. She is judging/speaking of the "culture" we live in. To me, this does not sound like she is speaking to a christian audience per say. Yet, we are not to expect the same fruit from the unsaved as from the saved. How is telling the unsaved they treat their children like dogs a teachable moment? How does that show God's love? Jesus said LOVE. Ditto for the christian audience. Do you really think that calling my kid a dog is going to make me sit up and take note of what you are saying?

Near the end of the article she does give great advice on how to show our children how much we love them and how important they are:

And here is an incomplete list of the practical application of these principles:

• Smile at your child when he wakes up in the morning, welcome him into the new day.
• Avoid "gripe groups" of other mothers who sit around and complain and run their children down.
  
• Exclaim in a cheerful tone, "Hey--did you know that I like you a lot?"--often.
  
• Tell the child stories of his birth/adoption and how you fell in love with him.
• Allow your child to interrupt you when you are sewing or online or cooking, without conveying frustration.
• Look into his eyes when he is talking to you.
  
• Sit on the floor and play with him.
• When you take him to the park, go on the slide and the swings with him.
  
• Love his father--the man that he came from, even if that father is no longer part of your lives.
• Let your arms and your heart always be open to him.
• Don't postpone discipline--be consistent.
  
• Be willing to be passionately involved--correcting him and reasoning with him.
  
• Beware of using distractions such as media, etc. that are attempts to replace his need for your attention.
  

Of course, none of us can be "motherly" without a heart-transplant. This world is too much with us; it is part of our flesh that will not be totally conquered until we are translated into the next life. At times, we are buffeted by the complexities of life on earth, and we are tempted to lash out our frustrations on the most vulnerable ones in our lives.

Sorry. I take exception again. I know many people with no religious beliefs that are very motherly. Christian's do not have a market on being a good mom. (And yes, you could argue the point that it doesn't matter how good of a mom you are on THIS planet...but I'm not even going there.) I even know sahm's that homeschool and are supermom's..... and want nothing to do with religion.

Hmmmmm. I wonder why.

Ladies!!! As mother's we need to LOVE one another! Stop all the judgment and finger pointing! The sahm vs. working mom is so tired. No situation fits all people. No one group has all the right answers. And even if you want to say that the only right way to raise your kids is by The Word (Bible), you still have a problem. Lets start with girls wearing skirts vs. pants. Even the Christians don't always agree....no excuse me, there is actually a verse in the Bible that says believers cannot agree with each other (sorry, don't have it memorized).

Be a sister...not a critic.

Parenting Rules I've Broken...or What an Adopted Child Will Teach You

For the longest time, we were the perfect little family of four. We had a son first, and then a daughter 6 years later.

And we had all those parenting rules we used.

You know the ones:

1. Do not co-sleep. Children belong in their own beds. Or, parents need their privacy and have no business bringing kids into their beds. Kids will stay in your bed forever and be hard to get into their own beds. And kids need to know how to put themselves back to sleep...to self-sooth.

2. Do not let your kids be picky eaters. They will not starve themselves and will eventually eat what you give them as long as you don't give in. This is important as you are building up their future health by feeding them a balanced diet.

3. Put your child in child-care type situations as soon as possible. You don't want to have a child that will only go to mommy. Children that will not go to others are spoiled. It needs to be broken. This is not healthy for the child.

4. The goal of parenting is to teach independence as soon as possible.

5. All you need is love. If you love a child, they will love you back. Are wounds are healed by love.

6. Screaming, crying, acting-out children in public show a lack of parenting skills.

7. The younger the child at adoption, the less likely you will have problems.

8. If I am not racist, my kids will not do anything or be racist either.

9. Therapy is only for the really bad kids.

10. Your kids actions are a reflection on you.

Some of these rules the first two taught us were no good. But for the most part, they played right into all this.

And then we adopted. Talk about one of the most rewarding things we have ever done!! It's a whole different dimension of love brought into our family. And talk about life lessons at every turn!

Lately I've seen a rash of posts on parenting issues. And I read these and laugh. 5 years ago I would have been nodding my head in agreement and dancing all around that band wagon.

Not so anymore.

So here is a glimpse of some of the parenting lessons our little Mighty Mouse has proven to be faulty at best -- and ridiculous to the extreme.

1. Co-sleeping. Talk about a hot button issue. And before I get any lectures, you need to know that we lost a niece that was under a year old while co-sleeping. Yes, I know there are dangers..although in that case I do not believe the co-sleeping was in the least responsible -- but I've heard all about how that had to be it. Hogwash.

a.) Children need their own beds/rooms. Ok. How about when the child has been co-sleeping with foster parents or, as in our case, sleeping with a crib mate or in a room with 30 other infants. So, you think its humane to slap that baby down in a bed and a room all by herself? No sounds of others sleeping to comfort her? Just dead silence in a situation where there has never been silence before? And playing a radio is not a physical presence. They know that.

Now, there are different ways of co-sleeping. It could mean in the bed. It could mean in a co-sleeper, attached to the bed. In our case it meant in a travel crib right up against my side of the bed. I could reach out a hand and touch her when she got restless and upset...and she would quiet right down and go back to sleep.

b.) Parents need their privacy. Yes, they do. Get creative. It can be done. Different timing, different rooms, whatever. Have an affair with your spouse. Get a sitter and go somewhere..... It's a season. It's not forever.

c.) Kids will never leave your bed. Whatever. Now, it will be harder for some than others. In our case, we moved to a new house at two, showed her what room was going to be hers and she slept in it from the first night on...even on a sleeping bag before the furniture arrived. Yes. We were shocked speechless. Others have a harder time but it can be done.

And on that subject, once MM was old enough to be out of a travel crib, we changed the arrangements to a sleeping bag. No padding. Nothing special. We didn't make it comfortable on purpose. And after moving to her own room, whenever she needed us at night and was frightened, we drag out the sleeping bag and she can sleep by the bed. (From day one she had a crib in a room that she shared with her sister - and it was always referred to as her bed.)

d.) Kids needs to know how to self sooth. Ummm, with adopted children, you have to BREAK self-soothing behavior and teach them to rely on you as a parent. This is shooting yourself in the foot and prolonging attachment. Mostly this is a orphanage behavior but is also seen in negelcted children.

2. Picky eaters. I think I covered this in my last post pretty well. Our child will hold out until she looses enough weight that we have to stop. Its not worth a neglect charge. Some kids have the staying power and will to outlast you beyond the safe point. Don't assume all kids can be manipulated with food withholding.

And yes, the fact that she is not getting the nutrition base she needs drives me insane. I want her to be healthy. I want her to eat meat and veggies. I want my choices of out to eat to be NOT limited to whether or not they have something that she will eat. (And now that she is almost 5 I have no problem with eating in front of her and telling her she can eat when we get home since she doesn't want anything they have. I don't cater very often.)

3. Child care situations. I used to think a child that couldn't be left for an hour was a spoilt brat. I beg forgivness for this now. MM spent years terrified. Think about it. Abandoned at about a month old while you are sleeping. Six months later handed over to complete space aliens after waking up from a car ride/nap. It seemed like every time she closed her eyes, her entire world and everything she loved was GONE. How does she know I'm coming back? The others didn't. And this is all pre-verbal. All these memories are remember by feelings, not words. And those feelings? Terror. Fear. Confusion. Crying. So, in situations where it looks like she's being left by her latest love interest....complete terror. There is no crying it out. It is sheer terror. And the only answer is mom. Guess what....babysitters and child care can wait a couple years. Its a season. A season the child NEEDS in order to learn to trust. She has NO REASON to trust at this point. (It took 3 years for her to work through this...but now she is easily left and comfortable being left.)

4. Independence as soon as possible. See above. What she needed to learn was trust and relationships. She needs to know there are people she can depend on...and practice. This will help her be a loving mother later on. If she never learns dependence, she will spend a lifetime of broken relationships or skin deep relationships that never go anywhere.

5. All you need is love. No. Love does not fix everything. Some of these children come to you unable to love. It can take years of therapy to work on this...as again, most of the damage was done before language developed in the child. They might not be able to tell you the problem...they just react to the primal memory of the feelings. Some children cannot be fixed. Ever.

6. Screaming and acting out in public are parenting issues. See above. And some disorders NEED a non-reaction at first. You have no idea if THAT KID is one of the damaged ones, and THAT MOM is doing what she needs to do at the moment.

7. The younger the child at adoption, the less likely the problems. Thousands of parents can refute this one. The child had 9 months with their birth mother even if they are given away at birth. The fact that the child has no language does not mean it has no senses or feelings. You have no idea how each individual child is going to react as they grow or even right away.

8. If I'm not a racist, my children will not do anything racist/ or the flip side, if a child does something racist they got it from the home. BIG MISTAKE. Whether your child started child care or kindergarten first, they are spending larger chunks of their weekdays with others than with mom and dad. And in the pre-teen and teen years they are all about their peers. Be careful what your kids pick up from care givers, teachers and peers. It's not always the parent responsible. BUT, the parent is responsible for STOPPING the problem and teaching the kid what they did wrong, etc. But don't fall into the trap of immediatley assuming racist comments come from the home.

9. Therapy is only for really bad kids. Therapy is supposed to help....hopefully BEFORE it is used to fix. I've read several stats that say that adopted children are over represented in therapy. Duh. We are forced to go through so many classes. We are taught what kinds of things could be potential problems and where to go to get help. How many birth parents are given this same info? NONE.

If you think something is wrong, it is okay to look for answers and ask questions of professionals. They will tell you if you are over-reacting. And they probably know better than your neighbor what are the big warning flags. There is no shame in trying to fix a problem before it becomes too big to ignore. Trust your gut.

10. Your child's actions are a reflection on you.

If your child does something stupid, like keying cars or shoplifting or something -- this does not make you a failure as a person. If you taught them right from wrong, walked the walk and were a parent for that child.....then you did right. You can't beat yourself up with what is wrong with you or how you are a lousy parent. We were all born with free will. The kids are more than capable of doing something they have been taught is wrong. YOU didn't do this.

If you know you've been the best parent you can be. If you respond and teach in the situations where your kids are in the wrong. Let the guilt go. You did your part. They have to do theirs.

So. I hope those die-hards on some issues will at least consider that they might not have the answer for every kid. It just doesn't work that way. And I was one of the worst offenders of this kind of thinking at one point.

We are all different. We know this as adults. So why would we expect everyone to parent the same and there be only one right way?

We need to grow up.

Hurry Up...and Wait!

Why do we try so hard to teach our kids to be on time?

It seems like its always some kind of rush to get where ever you are going.

Like the doctors. You hurry up to get out the door and be there the 10-15 minutes early...like they tell you to. And then you sit around and wait. And wait. And wait.

And the natives start to get restless.

"Why did we have to get here so early if they are just going to make us wait?"
"Is it time yet?"
"Do they know we are here?"

How do you explain to a pre-schooler that everything is as it should be?

Do you know what Mighty Mouses most asked question is right now? (Her father does not appreciate this very much either!!)

HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

"Mommy, can I have lunch?"
"Sure, just a minute...."
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

Joining a line at the grocery store. Two people in front of us.
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

Waiting for the dentist to call us back.
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

"Can I have a snack?"
"Yes."
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

In the drive-through lane at the bank.
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

Picking up a prescription.
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

Standing in line at a fast food joint.
HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

With the exception of doctors offices, most of these things don't take that long. So, what's the big rush????

And how do you explain to a child that they are going to spend about as much time waiting in this life as they do sleeping???? (At least that is what it feels like.) It worked with the older two...but Mighty Mouse is a whole different story. Even at four she questions why we hurry...just to wait? Why do we have to be on time...but the doctor doesn't?

At this point I spout at her that the average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. It's what we do. Hurry up and wait.

Then we have this long back and forth thing go on....kind of like that movie with Tom Cruise. What was it called? Jerry McGuire? Tom is in the car with the kid and a back-and-forth verbal battle begins...

For us it looks something like this:

Me: Did you know that the average 4 year old asks 400 questions a day?
MM: Yep - but did you know that 3.6 cans of Spam are consumed each second?

Me: Really? Did you know that 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year?
MM: And most toilets flush in E flat.

Me: Did you know that it takes a half a gallon of water for me to make your macaroni...and a gallon of water to clean the pot?
MM: Right. But did you know that a shrimps heart is in its head?

Me: Most lipstick contains fish scales.
MM: Only 6 people in the world have died from moshing.

Me: When did you start moshing????

Okay. So that's not really a verbatim conversation. But you get the idea. It's just nuts. And other people are stopping what they are doing to stare while we verbally spar. And I probably shouldn't enjoy it near as much as I do...but verbal sparring IS an art form. I just hope her teachers understand that concept when she begins school in the fall. I'm dreaming about those phone calls already.

I'm telling you, this one will end up getting the better of me a lot younger than the other two.

The only time I come out on top lately is when it ends like this:

But see. Even in her sleep she's still sporting the attitude.

The kid is just cool.

Autumn Asks: Are You Raising Kids, Or Are You Raising Adults?

One of the blogs I read on a regular basis, At the Well had a post last week in which she made the comment, "We aren't raising kids, we are raising adults."

That has stuck with me and I have rolled it around in my brain - not being able to decide how I felt about that. Yes, we are raising adults....but kids are kids. I think I keep trying to make it a little too black and white. I think the true bottom line is that it is our job as parents to raise our children to be productive, self-sustaining adults (assuming there are no handicaps to consider).

More and more children are moving back in with their parents long after they have left the nest - or even never leaving!! There are legitimate cases for this. Maybe a single mom can't pay rent on her own so she likes having her son or daughter continue to live at home when they grow up and are a single adult also. Maybe there is a caregiver issue where the grown child is honestly providing care for the parent. But mostly, these returns to the home are not wanted. The parents say yes because it is their child...but in all honesty they DON'T want them there.

Then there are the young adults that go to college or join the workforce and still expect mom and dad to buy their clothes and other such things. Or pay their car insurance!!!! Expect being the key word. Things freely given are just that...gifts from the parents - that's not what I'm talking about here.

So, as the mom of 3 I began to wonder how I was doing on this front. We have one out the door in college that we have learned a boat load of lessons on. Knowing many of you have children also, I thought I'd share 6 of the success and failures we have cut our teeth on so far.

1. Teach your kids to cook. Do you know, I have taught 2 adult women to cook fresh foods in the last few years? It's not that they couldn't cook at all -- but cooking was more often than not out of a can, bag or box. They had NO CLUE how to cook fresh vegetables. This woke me up to just how important it is for our kids to know how. When I was growing up, it wasn't that I had lots of cooking time at home, but I was put to work helping. At the very least I SAW my mother cooking real food. I knew it could be done and it didn't look real involved. So even if I didn't know how to cook something when I left home, I was not afraid to give it a shot because I'd seen it done. Now, my mother never made artichokes...so I have never tried even though I love them. See how this works??? Let your kids see you cook. And even better, make sure they can. My son will tell you that he is a hot commodity as boyfriend material because he cooks. His girlfriends don't know how!! Success!

When we neglect this one thing, we hand our childrens health over to big business. Boxed food. Canned food. Fast food. That equals out to one unhealthy young adult.

And on that same note, my son, who never had cavities growing up, just had 5. Yes, five (well, only 3 teeth, but 5 surfaces). The dentist just shrugged and said it was very common in college kids that had moved away from home in the first year. It's almost all nutritionally related. So there's another lesson for you. Tell your kids to be extra careful of their teeth that first year and make sure they are getting the nutrition. My son is now back to cooking after the shock of this. He claims that he is as vigilant as ever with his teeth and could not understand. That's when the dentist told us how common it was.

2. Teach your children about money. But that is not enough. Our son had financial classes in public high school. He also had Financial Peace for high school students. He had the knowledge on how everything worked. What he didn't have was the experience. So, within 6 months of moving out on his own he had financial problems. (That he has never asked us to help with - now that's raising an adult.) What we failed to do was open up a checking account for him and let him have real life experience of working out of and balancing the real thing. Sure, he had a savings account and a ATM card - that taught him nothing. FAIL!!

Next year my second child will be starting high school. At that point we plan on opening a checking account for her with her clothing allowance in it. We have a budgeted amount each month that we will put in there. I will also have her school lunch money put there. It will be her job to know what money she has and balance the account each month. This will be something we do with her. If she does fail, she will do it at home, where we can walk her through the consequences (NOT protect her from them) without it being as painful as it could be if she was already living on her own. NOW, the key to this is to make sure you aren't getting talked into giving extra money. The child needs to know how to stay within the limits of what they have. Just look at our economy and you can figure out why. Tell me this isn't an important skill in the years that are coming.

3. You must teach your kids about cars. Teach them to change the oil if you know how. At the very least make sure they are proficient at checking fluids and know when to go get the oil changed. Do they know you need to rotate tires? Tire changing can be huge also. At the least make sure they have the auto club number on their phone for help with a tire. Success on tire changing and Fail on the IMPORTANCE of checking your fluids.

The other big one with cars is insurance. Make your kids pay their car insurance. You can have them on your policy and have them pay you. This does make it cheaper, and mom is less likely to tack on late fees. So let them be late - but make them pay it. This is one bill in life that should not be negotiable. Have them pay it from day one. It's part of the responsibility of driving. If they can't be responsible for this, what makes them responsible enough to drive in the first place? I can't tell you the number of kids that drop their insurance payment first time money gets tight after leaving home because it has NEVER been a priority - mom and dad handled that and never really made a big deal of it. Driving without insurance is criminal. If you can't afford the insurance you have no business driving. NO. BUSINESS. DRIVING. And if mom and dad don't make this a big deal, the kid will end up hitting someone while they aren't insured and ruining the lives of another family. Criminal. (Can you tell uninsured drivers are a pet peeve of mine???) This is more important that paying the car note itself. If the car isn't paid, they come take it away. That doesn't ruin another family. And ruined credit is not a ruined life.

4. You can tell a kid they can't ____________ as long as they live in your house. Then, don't be shocked when that is the first thing they do when they move out. The key then is to let it go and accept it. They did follow the rule in your house. Now its their turn. Do not harass them unless you want to drive them away. You may state your displeasure in a respectful manner, but don't treat them like a 13 year old - and don't do it every time you see them. They don't live in your house anymore - let them be the adult you raised them to be. You've had your say when they were growing up. Now its up to them to decide their own path. You can always pray about it - but don't treat them like naughty children over it.

5. Teach your child from the beginning that they will ALWAYS deal with people that will hurt them, talk about them behind their back, lie about them and try to harm them. There doesn't even have to be a reason. Now, you have to do this in an age appropriate manner. You are not trying to crush their spirit. But don't pass it off with something like "kids are cruel". Humanity is cruel. Don't give them a false sense that it all changes when they hit 18. That kid that is spreading stories about your child in the lunchroom -- is going to show up again in their break room at work...with a new face and tactic. It does not stop. The key is to teach them that it is okay to hurt...and then how to deal with it. It takes both skills to get through life without being hardened to the hurt or crippled by it. And it can come from within your own family as well as from strangers. That can be the toughest lesson of all. Success.

6. Teach your children that following the law and liking the law are not the same thing. Whether you agree with the speed limit or not, it is the law and you DESERVE a ticket if you break it. That's just an easy example - but you get the idea. You can do the right thing even when you disagree. If you are Christian it is required of you (unless it is actually something that goes against God). You do not have to like it. It's not even about you. Success...with lots of pain and anguish.

This also carries over into other areas of authority. Teachers. Preachers. Supervising adults. Authority is to be treated with respect even when they are wrong. When you have been wronged there are usually set ways you can go about contesting it. Follow those rules or protocols first. And sometimes, you don't win even if you are right. Move on.

We all want our children to grow up and be happy, healthy, productive adults. It doesn't happen just by loving them. You have to do the work. Most of the teaching makes twice the work than doing things for them and just letting them be kids.

Then one day, they are grown and out of the house. And you watch them get creative to solve their own financial problems. You watch them cultivate mentor relationships to learn the things they don't know. You watch them help others. You watch them be incredible adults.

And all the extra work is worth it.

Autumn asks: Do your children do chores?

I used to think that everybody did chores while growing up. I mean, my parents explained to me how it was the way that families worked together. It's a shared responsibility on taking care of the home we live in, sleep in, eat in, etc. Kind of like being at work...everyone does there job. If someone sat around and did nothing would that be fair?

And of course we knew that our dad grew up on a farm with a father that was less than helpful at times. From a young age he was the one out in the fields plowing, weeding, watering, etc. At least we didn't have to do that! We had it easy! A kitchen, a bathroom, laundry (inside with a washer and dryer), vacuuming and dusting were really not that hard.

So we have our first child and start teaching him to do chores. He did little things until the age of 9 or 10, then he was given big chores. Big, like washing dishes. Big, like learning to help mow or edge the lawn. Big, like cleaning one of the bathrooms. Big, like keeping his room clean.
And as he hit teenage years we started having problems. Now, its not like these chores were done cheerfully or well. We had to stay on him and keep teaching. Every time. It wasn't fun. It would have been much easier to just do it myself.

Anyways, back to having problems. Bones friends did not do chores. ALL of them. No chores. Now, my son is attracted to "strays" (gets it from his mom) so all these friends were the products of broken homes and had moms that were working long hours, more often than not 2 jobs, and had strange schedules. Now throw visitation in there - assuming the ex even gave a hoot and wanted to see the kids. So mom is tired. I understand that. I'm sure when you are that beat down you really don't want to spend your time with your kids making them do chores...and re-do chores when they aren't done right.

So we had many a fight with our teenager over chores. It wasn't fun. NOBODY else does them! And then I would point out that NOBODY else will be able to take care of themselves or even go to college because they can't even be bothered to do chores...how are they going to make it through school???

So my son moved out and lives at college. He can do his own laundry. He is capable of cleaning every room in his apartment (I haven't gone in there so I don't know that he does - I'm thinking not). He can cook like you wouldn't believe. And do you know the kinds of things that went into that apartment with him? A rice cooker. A crockpot. A George Forman Grill. Dishes. Pots and pans. He was set. And he knows how to use every one of those things.

His friends? Well, one has gone to college and is still living at home while he does so. He works and is doing well. ALL THE OTHERS? Still live at home, work fast food and are pretty much exactly what we said they would be. AND ITS A WASTE. They are good kids. But no one taught them how to work, or why they should. Mom's were over-worked and dad's weren't dads.

And we have a candidate that is going to tax the workers to help support these people now? Good political lesson for my son - except I can't get the bonehead to register to vote and give a hoot. There is my big FAIL as a parent. JUST VOTE kid! I don't care for who! But his buds that are going nowhere...bet they are voting...and know who they'd vote for.

How did this turn political? Moving on....

So now I have another teen and we are repeating the pattern. Lots of strays and then some friends that are second marriage or late in life babies that are very well taken care of. Mostly, no chores. And our daughter is MUCH WORSE about doing chores correctly, dragging her feet and being a big brat about the whole thing. But, so be it. I hate it, but it is necessary. She needs to be able to take care of herself and her home. Whether she actually does it or not is not my focus...its that she is able. Because she HAS been taught. And teaching is my job. What she does with the teaching is hers.

So I encourage those that haven't started teaching chores to consider it. It effects a lot more than just your house. It gives skills and confidence. It actually helps teach work ethic. It is worth the extra gray hair. And it teaches that mom is not a doormat to wipe your feet on -- she's someone to help out or work along side. You are teaching your sons respect for his future partner. You are teaching your daughters how to bless their families.

God bless the mother's that teach their children the daily chores of life. God bless the father's that teach their son's to work in the yard, carve a turkey and work on cars (even if that means teaching how often to take the car for an oil change and how to change a tire and check pressure only). And for all of you that haven't hit the teenage years yet, BE PREPARED. The world is working against you.