Missing a little bit of that "Effortless" thing that used to be a part of my life

I like hard work.  I really do.  I love that feeling I get after I have cleaned my entire house and am sweaty and the house smells good and dinner is in the crock pot and the laundry is done.  I love that. 

I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it.  Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.

Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.

All of that is wonderful hard work paying off.  And I love it.

But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life.  That sentence probably doesn't make sense.  But its what I need so I am keeping it there.

I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk.  We just go get coffee.  We don't need a reason.  We just exist as friends.  Because we like each other.

I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return.  The kids, the house, the dishes.  And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment. 

I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it.  Accomplished.

I just need some effortless in my life.

I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.

And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.

We will see if it turns out to be. HA!

I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house.  Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off). 
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J. 
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac. 
Feed her.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped. 
Change baby J's diaper.
Its 8:40. 
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right. 
Take notes. 
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss.  And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good. 
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Mow lawn.
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath JD
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed

*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning.  And the night routine is normally shared.  But not today.  And probably not tomorrow.  Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for.  Doesn't make me love him any less.  Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me.  All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there. 

I realize that something at some point is gonna give.  Has gotta give.  I don't want it to be me.  Lack of sleep can do that to this momma.  Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.

And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?"  And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?

On top of all of the above.  I.never.stop.thinking.

Thinking about

if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you

and I know I am not alone.  Everyone has their own struggles.  Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone.  Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank.  Ha.  Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good.  And I am not a skank.

Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today.  Or I at least emailed her.  Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch.  She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad.  And I need that right now.  Apparently worse than I thought.

The Ramblings of This Tired Momma

Today you will get a rare glimpse into exactly how my brain is working right now. Its a bit jumbled and filled with lots of randomness but should be an interesting read! :)

Right now I am sitting with JD on the couch, watching "Handy Manny." He is snuggled up to me and his feet are on top of my feet. He is huge. I mean seriously GIANT and I know I won't get opportunities like this with him forever so I am soaking it up.

I was really over all of the Royal Wedding coverage. I mean over it. I just sort of wanted the world to leave William and Kate alone. But turns out I felt their day was lovely. And I liked the short kisses. William doesn't like PDA people. It was cute.

He fell out of his bed at 4am this morning. Loudest thump I have ever heard (or so it seemed at the time). Almost a full year in that bed with no guard rail and he has never fallen out before. Poor thing was so sad. This momma was happy to help him BACK into bed and prayed he would fall back asleep. He did. Thank God.

Baby J is currently fast asleep in her pack n play with us downstairs. Sleeping on her belly, which happens to be her favorite way to sleep. This is unfortunate because unless I am wide awake and able to watch her every move she can't sleep this way. Even though the girl has AMAZING head control. Came out of the womb that way. Everyone in the hospital ooo'd and awww'd about it. I just wish she could sleep the way she likes without me breathing over her neck. Oh because selfishly I would like to sleep while she is sleeping the way she likes.

My left hip hurts like a mother trucker and has since the third trimester of pregnancy. I thought it was the pregnancy but I am worried something got loose in there. I walk with a limp sometimes. Probably not good. Totally forgot to address this issue at my 6 week follow up appointment last week because on that particular day things were feeling quite normal.

And now JD is out on the screened in porch. Mowing. Changing oil on his mower. Filling up the gas tank. Washing his mower. If he could mow in his sleep, he would.

And he is STILL talking about how much he missed us while we were in the hospital with Baby J. He sometimes cries about it. To say he felt abandoned is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He just told me he missed us while we were in the hospital. Came in from the porch, told me, went back to his business. Sad that even while he is busy with his favorite thing in the world, his little brain goes there.

Right before I had baby J I went to get my usual highlights and the gal tried something new and turned my hair ORANGE. I am still reaping the benefits from that disaster. Really awesome when my self confidence was already in the pregnancy dumps and now I have the lovely post baby body. I have had three total hair redo's, so its better but I have a feeling I will be feeling the pain of this mess up for at least a year. I have switched hair dressers.



I am in awe of how wonderful JD is with Baby J. In awe. He is a rowdy, ROWDY boy but when he is dealing with Baby J he is gentle and caring. Its a beautiful thing. And I find it so neat that when he is around she is almost always silent and following him around wherever he goes.

My old job decided they wanted me to return apparently. They sent me an email asking me to re-interview for my old position. I find this EXTREMELY interesting. I graciously told them I was happy with the company I am working with now. It was nice to know that they were interested in having me back. Wish they would have acted like they gave a damn about my work when I was there. Glad my company does now.

Speaking of my company now...they have been so ridiculously generous to our family since Baby J was born. Its humbling to know that these people I call co-workers that I have only met in person ONCE can be so giving and thoughtful.

My dad had open heart surgery to replace a valve 2 weeks after Baby J was born. He is doing okay now but things went very south a day after surgery. To say that I have been stressed is an understatement.


Baby J laughs in her sleep. Might just be one of my favorite things of all time.

I don't remember my dreams being as vivid postpartum with JD. I am having some crazy ones every single night and every single morning I think I should be writing them down.

Speaking of writing things down, I still have yet to write a single word in an actual journal. And yet I think about doing that everyday too.



When JD asked me to turn on a show for him this morning I told him that we really should be watching the news because today is a special day. "Osama Bin Laden was killed" I told him. "Why?" he asked. "Because he hurt our country and tried to make us less safe." "Why?" he asked. "Because he wasn't a nice man." "They schanked him mom?" "Yep JD, the schanked him." Schanked seemed like a less violent way to describe things so I went with that.



I am breastfeeding this time around and feel as though this subject needs a whole blog post. Bottom line: its hard work. Stay tuned.



I am struggling with what in the world to put on Baby J's feet when I put her in a dress. Socks? That seems strange to me. And she is too little for shoes. She has the cutest dresses but I just don't know where to begin with the feet business. Dressing JD was much easier. She has so many accessories and multiple parts to the same outfit. She is wayyyyy more fashionable than me (which I hope to continue for her sake).

My belly button will never be the same I am quite positive. Its back to being an innie but I just don't think its ever going to look right again. Damnit. :)



I wish I had more time to blog because I miss it. There I said it. I miss it.

Your Love, Your Love, Your Love is my Drug

Who doesn't love K$SHA?! I mean, hello?!



P-Daddy thinks I sounds just like her when I sing "Wake up in the morning feelin like P-Diddy" as I sing that often 'round here. And when he says that I am all "I know, right?! And I look sorta like her too, right...right?" And then I say "I could have soo done her gig and totally been makin her millions...DANG!" Then he does the whole song and dance where he pretends like he's mad about it and says "thanks a lot...I wouldn't have to sell insurance if you would have just been K$SHA." And then I say the obvious..."umm my stage name would have totally been something way cooler than K$SHA" and we move on...What? You and your hubby don't have conversations like that? Daily? You should try it out sometime,its a blast. We are a blast. Just ask us.



Anyway...back to K$SHA and her fabulous tune "Your Love is my Drug." Actually P-Daddy's love drug is what I am referring to as we celebrated our 6th year of marriage on Saturday. Awww...I know, we are so cute! After we were done patting ourselves on the back for staying together and still loving each other in the mean time for 6 years (actually we have been together 9 total...but who's counting?) we celebrated this anni by going to the place where it all started. Well, sort of. We packed our pretty bags and took our pretty selves to the hotel in Indy where we had our wedding reception...that also happens to host their famous Heavenly Beds. Just in case you were wondering, they are still oh so heavenly. :) And since I haven't blogged about our recent gap in sleep...I will tell you now...it was important to have a wonderful bed to sleep all the way through a wonderful night in. Just once...at least once...in a months time.


We were classic P and M and instead of going out to a fancy meal (which we do enjoy by the way but on momentous relationship occasions history has shown that we will do a bit more comfort food than fine dining. Like the night we got engaged...Arby's pot roast sandwiches was our celebratory dinner of choice. I know this just made you want to be friends with us even more!)we ordered one of our favorite pizza's that won't deliver to us in God's Country and ate in our hotel room while watching HGTV. Oh and for those of you who know me and care, yes I sure did go to the gift shop and purchase myself some Pringles...because we all know how I feel about pizza and chips. We did a lot of laughing (at our own jokes and each others) and a lot of relaxing. It was a wonderful way to spend a day with each other in celebration of our love!


And since we were too lazy to take any pictures to mark this occasion...I will share one of my favorites of us!

Love you forever P-Daddy!

Better Naps=Better Playtime

JD is the most wonderful gift that has ever been given to us, hands down. I thank God for our blessing every day! Over the past 9 months we have come to realize that JD loves us a lot too because he would rather hang out with us (who could blame him, we are cool parents :) than sleep. Which translates into we didn't sleep much either. He went from sleeping through the night at 2 months old (I know!) which lasted all of 4 weeks to waking up once, twice, three times in the middle of the night. This led to the us going down the bad road of having him sleep with us. Then GranBeck came into town in February and took control of the sleeping situation and he miraculously started to sleep through the night again! He back tracked a little at one point but overall he has been sleeping 12-14 hours steadily since then! If you are not a mom and you are reading this you think this whole scenario may sound a little over dramatic and not soooo bad. All I can say is that you REALLY don't know what lack of sleep is until you have a child.

JD at 1 month old taking a peaceful nap

This is a time he finally gave up and just fell asleep in his Bumbo!

JD LOVED to sleep in his swing...we were sad for him to grow out of it!

So back to the sleep. So he was sleeping through the night but his naps were literally two, 20 minute naps a day. We recently had JD's 9 month appointment and I asked the doctor how many naps he should be taking and how long they should be (thinking that maybe, just maybe I was being over dramatic and the two, 20 minute nap thing was normal). Well I wasn't being over dramatic, he told me two, 2 HOUR naps a day is what he should be getting. I laughed, then apologized for laughing and explained our situation. He just said that I needed to work on it and leave him in his crib and let him cry it out. Since I know that for nap time this method DOES NOT work I have just been doing what I have always been doing and we have been rolling with the 2, 2o minute nap thing. Until...UNTIL this week (yes I am knocking on wood) when he started sleeping an hour, then an hour and a half, and then this morning 2 AND A HALF HOURS! I was and still am in shock!

This is one of JD's tricks, falling asleep in his Jumperoo (sometimes he looks like this and is still jumping)

JD NOT taking a nap in his Pack N Play.

This napping business has led to a much happier boy during the day. Not that he was crabby all the time but I would that at times he had a short fuse. Now he just wants to play and play! I just had to share this video with you because it is our little one having so much fun! I have loved every different stage he has gone through but for now this one is taking the cake!