Another Horse Post

How many times have I written about horses and getting back into riding?  Too many to count right?  Well sorry but here is another post.

I can't tell you how much I MISS riding horses.  Doing volunteer work has really been great because I get to groom the ponies once a week and I feel like I am getting used to being around the animals again.  But it still kills me when I see friends post show pictures.  I miss it.  I miss it so much it hurts.

When I was down in PA over this past weekend, I was able to get my riding stuff from the attic in my brother's house.  I put my helmet on and tried my chaps on again (though they were not even CLOSE to closing sheesh!). Its all I have left, along with the saddle in my basement, of my prior life as an equestrian.

I want to be back on the horse, feeling the movements under my legs, having complete control and feeling free. I can't wait till I am done with this whole being sick shit.  It sucks.  I want my life back.  I want to be around horses all the time and I want to RIDE.

Something to do with Myself

Lately I have been feeling really antsy and bored with my life.  The whole not working thing has finally caught up with me.  Not too shabby that I have been on SSDI for almost 2 years now and just starting to get bored.  Of course last year I did 9 months of work and I have been in school, so that lessened the boredom load.

However, the past few weeks I have just been on edge.  And it isn't a depression type edge where I need my meds again.  Its just a feeling of not doing anything and doing the same things over and over.

I thought not working would be absolutely FABULOUS!  And it was for a while.  I worked on my health, I crochet'd, I read a bunch of books, I went back to school, I started cooking dinner most nights, I got to sleep in every day, I could visit family in PA whenever I felt like it.  But then you watch the same shows over and over again.  You crochet enough that your hands hurt.  You read as many books as you can.  You are broke and can't take those trips to PA as often. And then you have nothing.  Believe me, there are more books for me to read and more crocheting to be done, but I need something else.  I need to be doing something that takes me out of the home.  Having more friends would really help, but I am at a disadvantage there.

So instead, a fellow Cyster hooked me up at a local farm that does lessons for the disabled, on horseback.  How awesome is that?!?! I went today to shadow her so I could get an idea of what goes on.  Especially because the website mentions jogging with the horses for short stints.  I was a bit nervous about that, but after being there today I am confident I can handle it.  It felt great being around the horses again and to be doing something productive!

I have to send my application in and then I can start.  Just once a week I think for now as I don't want to overdo it.  I was there almost 2 hours and that was plenty for me.  Not that I wanted to leave per say, but I could feel myself getting tired.  There are some hills to walk up, nothing steep or long, but they do take their toll on you.  Especially since I am sore from all the exercise I have been doing.  I am really looking forward to starting and can't wait to help make a difference!

Lazy or Tired?

How do you determine which is you?

This is something I have been wondering all week as I slept 13+ hours a day.  And even taking naps.  Spending more time asleep during the week than awake can make one wonder WTF is going on.

While I am FINALLY feeling a bit better, more energy, less mucus etc, I still wonder why I slept so much.  And if I was just being lazy, or if my body really did need it. 

This feeling hits me quite a bit.  And not just with sleep.  With other things as well.  Like exercising, taking the sheets off of E's loft bed and washing them, walking the complex etc.  Sometimes I wonder if I use my CF and being tired or lacking in energy as an excuse.  But that I use it deep down inside so I think I have no energy when really all these years of slowly not being able to do things has made me lazy.  For example, I hate steps because they make me cough so I avoid them.  Yet when forced to walk the steps (like last weeks clinic when the garage elevators didn't work and you didn't know till you parked on the top level) you can do it, albiet slowly and painfully. 

I could walk the complex daily, but I don't.  I could drive to the lake and walk parts of it, but I don't.  I really could get back on a horse and ride, but I don't.

But WHY don't I? 

Am I scared of the result?  That I will realize I CAN do these things?  Or that I will realize I really CAN'T do these things?  Which is it? 

The only way to find out is to actually do it.  And this summer, my goal is to walk parts of the lake when its not 100 degrees out.  Maybe I can start there and see where it leads me...

The need to exercise

I posted on CF2Chat a couple days ago about my absolute distaste for exercising. And also asking what others tell their doctors about what they do for exercise, if they are like me.

I'm not a couch potato by any means. Yes some days I don't do much but sit on the sofa watching TV and crocheting, but really I'm making money while doing that lol. I clean at least once sometimes twice a week. Laundry is two days a week. Food shopping at least once a week. This is at least 3 days of exercise, if not in the traditional sense. Then of course there is sex. Might not be the full 25+ minutes of a high heart rate exercise that is recommended, but it certainly gets ya going!

As we were all bouncing stories and ideas around, a good point was made. I need to find something I LOVE to do that is exercise. But what? Well the only exercise based activity I love (besides sex) is horseback riding. However, I haven't done it since I was a junior in high school - 12+ years ago. I was a show jumper. I've got ribbons galore and riding gear that sits lonely in a tote (gave my trunk to a non-profit riding facility for the disabled - love Craigslist!). My lung functions are lower than they were then and so is my tolerance for just about everything. I'm talking 4 hours of sleep sustained me for a day easily back then.

So how to I get myself ready to tackle those jumps again?

First I need to accept (and this is the hardest by far) that I might not be able to get to that point nearly as quickly as I did when I was 16. That I might have to start out walking for the first 5 sessions to build up both my lungs and my leg muscles.

Second I need to start some basic training. I don't mean going to the gym for hours a day, but maybe just a walk around the complex. I walk to the mailbox a couple times a week so maybe I should start taking the long way.

And third I need to find a facility that offers lessons during the day and is fairly close by. And preferably decently priced.

Luckily we are approaching winter. For me, the cold is very harsh on my lungs and unless the facility has a heated indoor ring, I'm out till at least April. But that gives me 4 months to work on my muscle toning and stamina. Someone mentioned the YMCA as a good place to start. Usually programs are cheap and maybe they will even have some day time pool classes I can take.

I need to treat myself like a child...offer a reward for a job well done. Perhaps a new shirt for 2 weeks of exercising. Or a new book. Something that will give me a reason to get there besides just the possibility of riding again one day. Being able to get back on a horse is a post-transplant goal of mine. But why can't I make it a pre-transplant one instead?

Me in Culpepper VA when I was 15

I'm like a french fry...

...burnt to a crisp and covered in salt!

I spent the day at Devon. I go every year, by myself. It's always the weekend of and weekend after Memorial Day. I had completely forgotten about it until yesterday when my co-worker mentioned it. Memorial Day being so early this year through me off!

I adore going here. The smells, the sights, the sounds. Everything is just fabulous! I go alone. I will never go with anyone. I have no desire to. It's something I do alone so I can wander at my pace, sit as long as I want and do whatever I please. I never buy tickets to the grandstand since I enjoy relaxing in the sun taking pictures, right along the rail. Some years I wander around the grounds but mostly I watch the Oval and then walk back to look around the shops. I never go in. it's on the Mainline in PA and it's horse people...very expensive. Maybe someday when I marry that DR or Lawyer haha! One of these days I might actually stay for the whole day. But it is usually from 8am until about 10pm. A long day!

Devon has been a dream of mine since I was little. It's huge! People come from all over the country to show here. My two Aunts that have farms come every year to show with their students. They don't personally show anymore but they are the trainers for some that do. It's so very prestigious and you get to say that YOU rode in Devon. God I want to be able to say that. I guess my sorry ass needs to start riding again huh?

I still get that little tingle in my tummy when I can see that the rider is going to nail the jump, or the pull when it looks to be too short. I count each and every stride between the jumps and nod my head ever so softly as the horse canters along. I find myself biting my lip in anticipation when it comes down to a few seconds. Or feeling let down when a horse hits the rail and knocks it off. It's so invigorating for me. I love it.

Body and soul I miss riding and being a part of it all. I miss showing. I miss walking around in my breeches and boots. I miss buying saddle pads and treats. I miss the feel of the horse beneath you, how the muscles tense when going over a fence, the exhilaration when you nail a fence that you have been having trouble getting. Knowing that you are doing something you love.

Someday.....

Anyway...on the way home I decided to swing by the Battle of the Bulge Memorial. I didn't know it was inside the Valley Forge Military Academy and you can't get in (at least not on the weekends and I didn't feel like driving around to the other entrances) LOL. Oh well. I drove past it anyway and saw the back of it. And I saw some cute cadets. Maybe that's what I need instead of a DR or Lawyer, a military man!!! Mmmmmm yummy..........

Some pictures I took! Enjoy!!!

Devon Horse Show

The Dixon Oval

Leadline...ages under 4 and then 4-5 year olds. So freaking cute!

Lemon Stick....Devon is not complete without one

Someday maybe I will be doing this....

My burnt knees...LOL

I miss riding

I had to go to my aunt's webpage tonight to get the address of the farm for my brother.  So of course while I was there I decided to look at the horses for sale.  I want Wilson :( (here).

I'm sad I want to buy him and ride him.  I want to be young and me again.  I want my lung function back.  I want to be able to handle riding again.

Done my rant, thanks!

<3