Self-awareness And Healing Controlling Behaviors

Page 216, The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:

"Be aware that learning to identify ways in which you're creating your own obstacles can be tremendously enlightening."

I have been blessed to use books like this one at different stages in my healing to give me more self-awareness. Only though self-awareness does healing have a chance of happening.

I used the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon to give me self-awareness too. Those meetings taught me about self-worth, dysfunctional behaviors and the dysfunctional family system that resists all change. 

Those meetings introduced me to the books Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency both written by Pia Melody. I learned about abandonment and my own controlling behavior. I was able to identify a behavior that was causing me major unhappiness in my life---controlling.

Trying to control everything and everyone in my life in order to feel safe only created more obstacles for me to overcome during my healing process. The stress that I was creating for myself with my own behavior was unbelievable. The perfectionism and responsibilities that I put on myself were too much, but I didn't know how to live without them. In the dysfunctional family system of my childhood, I was the family hero and taught that I had to be perfect or I wasn't good enough and I was always at fault. I was also given the responsibility to make everyone else happy, often at my own expense. All of those set me up to become a controller as an adult. Add on that I thought if I could control everything that I would be safe from abuse.

The 12-Step slogan "Let Go And Let God" helped me tremendously. I made lots of mistakes and lots of apologies as I changed my controlling behaviors. I used affirmations like the one above to help me see and change my behavior. I did lots of writing and talking to friends and in 12-Step groups as I figured things out and got new self-awareness. I looked at the lies of my abusers and at the lies that I told myself. While learning to love myself, I looked at what was my responsibility and what was not. I read every book I could find about incest, alcoholic family systems and codependency. 

For 3 years, I used a God Box to teach me the principle of "Let Go And Let God". If you don't like the idea of God, use the Universe or your own Higher Self. Call the box whatever you want or don't call it anything. Do what is necessary to let go of the stuff that is not yours to handle. I will leave a link at the bottom of the page explaining how the idea of a God Box works.

You don't need the stress of trying to control the world. The world is much too big for one little person to manage. You are doing yourself and those around you a disservice by trying. Healing doesn't have time to happen when you are too busy trying to control everything else. 

All controlling does is take you away from what you are feeling and is a distraction from what is going on inside of you. Controlling behaviors keep you focused on others, not on yourself. Healing needs you to focus on you, not on your abuser's current behavior, not on what your spouse might be doing today, not on your friend that goes from drama to drama. They will all survive without your help/interference. Without your attention/advice, they might even start to look at their own lives with a sense of self-awareness. Become an example of what healing looks like by focusing on and healing your own stuff. 

Let go of the fears of childhood that keep you trying to control everything. Look at those fears, one at a time. Become friends with your fear. See fear for what it is---mostly unrealistic and from your past. Help your inner child to see that you don't have to live in that fear today and she/he doesn't either. 

Know that you can't control another person, unless they let you and that isn't healthy for you or for them. You aren't meant to control others. You can offer better guidance by the example of how you live your own life. Others never have to follow your example or your words. Don't resent them when they don't. Giving advice sets you up for resentment when people don't do what you tell them to. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you really don't know what is better for another person. That person may need those experiences to grow, to see their own value, to learn a major lesson, or to learn what love really is. They may miss those lessons if you step in and try to fix everything for them.

Years ago, a very wise lady told me that when I try to fix things for others, I am, in effect, telling them they are too stupid to do it for themselves. I didn't like what she said. I never wanted anyone to feel stupid because of my words or actions. My parents did that to me as a child. I did it to others, until I learned not to.

Look at where your controlling behavior comes from and the fears that cause it. Then you can free yourself of those fears. You can stop controlling what isn't yours to control. You can't control other people no matter how much you may want to.

What can you control?
Your fears
Your words
Your thoughts
Your attitude
Your reactions

Look at your world through the eyes of gratitude instead of negativity. Use affirmations. Learn to meditate and find peace within your center. Learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past and for the mistakes you will make as you learn to let go of controlling.

Changing any behavior takes time, persistence, focus and self-awareness. Give yourself all of those. Practice kindness and patience with yourself. You deserve both.

What changes are you afraid of? Why? What would happen if you make those changes? I assure you, you won't die. Keep telling your inner child that she/he is safe. Today you can keep her/him safe. You are strong, courageous, and wise when you listen to your own inner voice. Learn to love yourself. Loving yourself creates true safety.
I am Patricia.

Related articles:

ASCA Anonymous @
http://www.asca12step.org

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/al-anon-and-adult-children-of.html

Surrender---Using A God Box @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/surrender-using-god-box.html

Dialogues With Dignity And 22 Ways To Love Yourself @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/01/dialogues-with-dignity-and-22-ways-to.html

Fear Is My Fear @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/04/resources-for-incest-survivor-and-adult.html

Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN - 790 on Blog Talk Radio

Hi, everyone. In case you missed my guest speaker spot on Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) on Friday, March 14, I will give you the link at the bottom of this article. Bill Murray is a great host who makes his guests feel comfortable and loved. Usually there is a panel of three or four others who add to the conversation with questions and experiences of their own. This was my second appearance on Bill's radio program.

I briefly shared parts of my childhood story because in my first time on SCAN's program, I shared in more detail about the alcoholism, incest and domestic violence that I grew up with in my family of origin. I will also share the link to that radio program at the bottom of the page in case you want to listen to more details of my life as an incest survivor.

Friday night's program was more about the recovery part of my journey. My biggest resource for healing was the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. I didn't mention it on Friday night but I also attended a Coda meeting for a short time. Coda is Codependents Anonymous. Most of us who grow up in alcoholic home grow up to be alcoholics or co-dependents. Sometimes we do both. One of the things that I told Bill and his audience of listeners was that I even though I don't drink, I have about 8 out of 10 characteristics of an alcoholic. I have no doubt, if I drank, I would be a mean drunk like my dad and his dad both were. I choose to not drink and not put my family and friends though that.

Here are the links to my two visits to Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN's program on Blog Talk Radio.

The first link is to the show that I was on for Friday, March 14, 2014:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2014/03/15/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--790

My very first time as a guest speaker for SCAN and Bill Murray and his panel was on November 20, 2013. Here is the link for it in case you missed it back in November.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2013/11/21/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--708

I also want to introduce you to several other websites that are good resources for incest and child abuse survivors.

The Lamplighter Movement @  http://www.theLamplighters.org/http://www.ASCAsupport.org

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse @  http://www.ASCAsupport.org/

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Anonymous @  http://www.ASCA12step.org/

I hope you find the above links helpful in your journey to healing.
Patricia

Guest Speaker For "Stop Child Abuse Now" SCAN

Where has the day gone? Just stopped in to let you know that I am a guest speaker for the radio program "Stop Child Abuse Now", SCAN, as it is called. The program is on Blog Talk Radio and hosted by Bill Murray.  The show will start at 8:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 7:00 p.m. Central Standard Time, 6:00 p.m. Mountain Standard Time and 5:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time in the U. S. I hope you will join us tonight Wednesday, November 20, 2013. I hope you will join us tonight but if that is not possible the following link will work from the archives of the program. Here is the link for the program:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2013/11/21/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--708


At the end of my biography for the show, Bill says that I published two books, Silent No More and Growing Stronger, Growing Free. I didn't publish the books but I am very proud to be one of many contributors to the writing of the books. Both books are a "collection of works by 'Reaching survivors of sexual abuse' R.S.O.S.A. Founded by Kate Smith." You may purchase copies of these books at the following website:

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/online-shop/books/

See you tonight. Until then have a glorious day.
Patricia

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families

All of the books listed here are books that I have used in my own healing process over the years.  Some of the first ones listed are the very first books that I found and read back in the 1990's. I checked each of them on Amazon to see if they were still available for purchase and they are. I hope that you find them as useful as I did in my healing.  They are not listed in alphabetical order. The books are listed in the order that I remember using them myself over the years.

Affirmations for the Inner Child, by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990, 2010.

Believing In Myself: Self Esteem Daily Meditations, by Earnie Larsen, Simon & Schuster, Inc./Fireside, New York, NY, 1991.

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-worth, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1987, 2010.

Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternate to Despair, by Theodore I. Rubin, Touchstone, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, 1975, 1998. (Touchstone is part of Simon & Schuster)

Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics), by John Bradshaw, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1988.

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, by Charles L. Whitfield, M. D., Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1989, 2006.

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by Charles Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1993, 2010.

Codependant No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1986, 1992.

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1989.

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series), by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, June 1990.

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Harper & Row, Publishers, 1988; HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 2008.

The Courage To Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1990.

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to "Healing the Child Within", by Charles L. Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990.

Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women, by E. Sue Blume, Ballantine Books, a Division of Random House, Inc., New York, NY, 1990.

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, by Laura Davis, Harper Perennial, a Division of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

These are a few of the resources that I used in the beginning of my healing journey from incest and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  For me, the alcoholism and the incest were intertwined in my life. That is why you will find so many of these books are about codependence and working with the inner child. The inner child is the one who experienced the childhood abuse and allowed us to survive into adulthood. I will do a second list of resources soon. I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you with all of these but I had so many good resources at my fingertips in the 1990's that I didn't have in the early 1980's when I first told my husband and my sister that I was an incest survivor.  I didn't immediately start working on my incest issues or reading books about it until after I had done some work on healing from codependence and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic because my marriage was at risk. The 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon helped me to heal enough to finally start working on my incest issues.  Let me know if you have any favorites that helped you that I don't have included here.
Patricia

Dear Whoever You Are That Wants Me To Shut Up About Child Abuse - It Ain't Happening. So Deal With It.

Dear __________ (Whoever you are that wants me to shut up about child abuse and my incest issues - it ain't happening. So deal with it or leave.)

If you don't like what you read here or on my Facebook page or my Tweets on Twitter, you don't have to stay.  You can unsubscribe from here.  You can unfriend me on Facebook.  You can unfollow me on Twitter.  I hope that you stay.  If my topic of incest and child abuse bothers you, look at yourself to see why.  It really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

I had someone on Twitter unfollow me today because "what I tweet isn't healthy."  I told the person that I tweet my conscience and not someone else's.  Incest and child abuse is not healthy.  The struggle to get healthy isn't pleasant for anyone who lives it or reads about it.  Letting go of being a victim and becoming a survivor isn't easy.  It certainly isn't fun.  Struggling with a past of incest and child abuse takes courage.   You all have that courage inside of you.  You just have to look for it.  Facing is fears is terrifying.  You can do it.

Here on my blog, I share my life story, not anybody else's.  I share my healing journey - what has worked or not worked for me.  That doesn't mean the same things will or won't work for you.  I am an expert on my life, not anybody else's.  Sometimes my words may act as triggers if you are a survivor too.  I feel sad for that but it isn't something that I can control.  If the triggers are too much, you can leave at any time.  There have been lots of times that I wished I could just leave it all behind.  The only way to do that is to do the work of healing.  That is what my blog is a chronical of - my work of healing from incest.

I know that some of you are well meaning and just want me to have a better life, have a little joy in my life, not make you feel so bad by sharing all of my stuff online, in the public eye.  I do have joy and love and a better life because I have spent years writing about incest and talking about it.  If what I write about makes you feel bad, do something about it.  Do your own healing work if that is what is needed.  Look to see if there are any children in your life that are being abused and may need your help.  Help that child by being responsible.  Stop child abuse so that no one else needs to feel what I feel about my past.  You all can take responsibility for stopping child abuse in whatever form it comes to you as.  Child abuse and incest won't stop without all of us doing our part to stop it.

Blogging is just a more public venue for doing healing and stopping child abuse.  By blogging, I am reaching out to other survivors who may have less time healing to share my story of healing with them so that they know they are not alone.  By blogging, I am reaching out to other survivors who are where I am in healing.  We can share our strength and hope with each other and other survivors who aren't there yet.  I am also reaching out to find survivors who are further along on the path of healing than I am so that they can encourage me when I am down and need a friend to help pick me up.  The blogging community of survivors of child abuse is a wonderful, caring, compassionate world of people who understand what it means to be a victim and a survivor.  My blog allows me to discover that the world isn't always bleak and dangerous.  The world should be a safe place for all children.

My next step is to write my own memoir about my journey as an incest victim, survivor and thriver.  I have always known that I would write this book.  The book is inside me waiting for the right time to come out.  I am letting people know that the time has finally come.  I have been telling others online for the past few weeks that the time is near for me to write my memoir.  Other than that, I have done nothing to make that a reality.  I haven't written the first word yet. 

By telling you that I am writing this memoir, I am making myself accountable for sitting down and writing it.  Each time that I take a step toward telling more people about incest, I meet with internal resistance.  That is part of my process.  I am facing the fears that cause that resistance.  I will write my book.

Why do I insist upon telling people my story?  Why won't I just shut up about incest already?  Why won't I just be quiet and let it remain in the past?  Why is talking about incest and how it affects me so important? 

Good questions.  All questions that I have been asked in the past and probably will be asked again in the future.  I will not shut up about abuse for several reasons. 

1.  Other survivors need to know that they are not alone, that healing is possible.  If I, and other survivors, shut up about our experiences then victims and survivors are back to doing it alone.  I won't let that happen.  I was alone in the beginning (late 1970's).  Today with all of the books on the subject and the internet, survivors can connect with other survivors.  We can help each other.

2.  A big part of my healing came from speaking about incest and the family disease of alcoholism.  I did this in counseling some but more so in 12-Step meetings (Al-Anon & Adult Children of Alcoholics & Co-dependency meetings).

3.  My main reason for speaking out about incest is to break the code of silence that my abusers ingrained in me to shut up.  Unless we break that code of silence, we cannot stop child abuse from happening.  Women have been speaking out as survivors for awhile now.  Finally men are in the beginning stages of stepping up and breaking their own silence of child sexual abuse.  As women who have been through this, I hope that other women will reach out to these men and let them know they are not alone in this.  We can and should support each other in our struggles and our healing.

4.  If I am silent about child abuse and incest, then I am condoning it happening to the next generation of our children and I will not do that.  Will you?  Silence doesn't stop child abuse.  Silence is what kept me in the role of incest victim for too long.  I have broken the code of silence and I know that you can do it too.  Until this silence is broken more children will be abused.  Speak out.  Take actions to break the silence and to save our children.

Sometimes it is a family member that wants me to quit talking.  I am grateful that I have the support of my husband, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law and mother-in-law.  They respect my need to talk about this topic of child abuse and incest.  With their support, I can do anything.  Build yourself a support system of family and friends who understand your need to talk and share your feelings about your abuse.  Holding these feelings in, staying silent because of fear of rejection just keeps the abuse happening.  People who ask you to stop don't understand.  They don't know how hard it was to speak up the first time and every time after that.  They don't have a clue about the pain and grief that you have felt.

An online friend just yesterday asked me to write a blog post about incest as the number one form of child abuse today.  I told her that I would.  I don't know any statistics on incest being number one but I know that it does happen a lot in all types of families all over the world.  I will see what I can find and keep you updated.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Inspiration, Denial and Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/01/inspiration-denial-and-incest.html

Dysfunctional Family Systems @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/04/dysfunctional-family-systems.html

Out Of My Comfort Zone---The Third Floor Window @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/09/out-of-my-comfort-zone-third-floor.html

"Freedom's Just Another Word" Book Review @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/04/freedoms-just-another-word-book-review.html

Guest Post On Emerging From Broken - Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No

Today you have to do a little traveling across the internet from the southern USA all the way to the southwestern part of Canada where Darlene Ouimet sits at her computer and puts out her blog Emerging From Broken.  The internet really has made the world smaller.  Without it, Darlene and I would never have met and established our friendship online over the past year.

Today rather than a post here for you to read, Darlene asked me to do a Guest Post for her at her blog Emerging From Broken.  The post is called "Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No by Patricia Singleton".  You will find the post at the following link:

http://emergingfrombroken.com/self-worth-gives-you-ability-to-say-no-by-patricia-singleton/

Please feel free to leave comments here afterwords and to also join the conversation at Emerging From Broken.  If you have never visited the blog Emerging From Broken, please take the time to do so and read some of Darlene's thought provoking articles.  You will be glad that you did.

Again, thank you Darlene for allowing me the honor to speak to your blog readers about part of my own journey through recovery from incest.  I appreciate you and the work that you do at Emerging From Broken.
Patricia

In The Process Of Forgiving, Self-Forgiveness Comes After The Feelings

Forgiveness does not mean "getting over it" as some people will tell you to do.  There is no "getting over" no matter how much you try, no matter how much pain you are in, no matter how much you may wish you could "get over it."  In my experience, "getting over it" just doesn't work.

I tried many times and many ways to get over, under, and around the pain of incest.  I even tried denying my pain and feelings and wearing a smiling, happy face for several years.  None of it worked.  I even tried stuffing it down with food and denied myself access to my dad's family of origin for 10 years in an attempt to be happy and normal.  The reality was Hell instead.  I wasn't happy.  I wore a mask of sweetness with my friends and almost continual feelings of rage that kept escaping and affecting me and those I loved. 

In some ways, I recreated the home of my childhood.  I was the raging controller [my dad].  My husband was the passive-aggressive one [my mom].

I tried controlling and fixing everyone else's problems so I wouldn't have to feel my own pain or look at my own problems.  None of it worked and I still couldn't forgive.  I just hated myself more.  I ignored my physical and emotional needs.  I pretended they never existed, just like my parents did when I was a child.

I often tell others that I was blessed to have a dad and grandfather who were alcoholics because when I  was able to see myself as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I was able to finally see who I was and what the family disease of alcoholism was doing to my life.  Add the incest on top of that and the mixture was even more dysfunctional and often intense.

Getting a sponsor in my 12-Step programs was my second blessing in recovery.  Thank you, Jack.  He made me start attending Al-Anon meetings not long after I started Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.  I can honestly say that Adult Children meetings saved my life and my sanity and helped me find myself where I was finally able to do forgiveness further down the road.  The Al-Anon meetings were about healthy and unhealthy relationships and helped me save my marriage and start a new relationship of healing and forgiveness with myself and my family.

I had to heal me before I could even think about forgiveness.  I had to feel and work through my feelings of anger, rage, shame, hurt, betrayal, trust, abandonment and safety.  I had to first create a feeling of safety before I could begin to trust myself or anyone else.

My 12-Step sponsor had me make a list of people that I needed to make amends to.  Then he told me to put myself at the top of the list.  Then I had to make a list of things that I needed to forgive myself for first.


That list for self-forgiveness included:

Forgiving myself for believing the lies of my abusers.

Forgiving me, the adult, for ever believing that the child me was capable of protecting herself.  I wasn't given the tools to do that by my parents.  I was just a child.

Forgiving me, the adult, for blaming the child me for the incest.

Forgiving me, the adult, for staying silent about the incest for so long.

Forgiving me, the adult, for abandoning my own inner children when they really needed me the most.

Forgiving me, the adult, for adding on more abuse by listening and believing my inner critic voices for so long.

Forgiving me, the adult, for using food to keep my feelings buried inside for so long.

Forgiving  me, the adult, for being so afraid all the time instead of living my life to its fullest.

Forgiving me, the adult, for allowing my rage to control me and for using that rage to hurt others.

Forgiving me, the adult, for living in denial for so long.

Forgiving me, the adult, for being so controlling of people and circumstances and becoming my dad the dictator, in the early years of my marriage.

Forgiving me, the adult, for hiding behind a mask and not allowing the real me to shine my Light for others to see. 

Forgiving me, the adult, for carrying around the shame of my abusers and believing it was mine.

Forgiving me, the adult, for not seeing the abuse of bullying that my daughter went through in her teenage years of high school because I was so focused on my own needs at the time.

Forgiving me, the adult, for not being a better protector of my daughter when a teenage boy made sexual advances toward her when she was 10 years old.

Forgiving me, the adult, for passing so many of my fears on to my children so that my son suffers from panic attacks today.

Forgiving me, the adult, for not being more emotionally present for my children, when I was so focused on my early recovery that they probably felt that I wasn't there for them.  In many ways, I wasn't.

Forgiving me, the adult, for lashing out at my husband with my rage before I reached the stage of being able to control it and hurting the person, other than my children, that I love the most.


The child that I was doesn't need forgiving.  The abuse was never her fault.  She didn't deserve to be treated the way that she was by her abusers.  She was blameless and shameless for what was done by the adults in her life.
Patricia

Links to other posts on forgiveness:

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's post
"Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting The Child Abuse"
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/10/forgiveness-is-not-forgetting-child.html

Emerging From Broken's post
"Forgive the Abusers? A bit of a Rant"
@ http://emergingfrombroken.com/forgive-the-abusers-a-bit-of-a-rant/

Overcoming Sexual Abuse's post
"What About Forgiveness"
@ http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/10/28/what-about-forgiveness/

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's post
"Revisiting Forgiveness"
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/06/revisiting-forgiveness.html

Steppers' Wisdom Blog Carnival - 1st Edition - August 2010

For those of you who might be interested in posts about recovery through a 12-Step program, I am posting a link to a brand new Blog Carnival called Steppers' Wisdom.  The first ever Steppers' Wisdom Blog Carnival is posted at the following link:

 http://stepperswisdom.blogspot.com

This month I submitted my blog post called Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest.  Please click on the above link and read the excellent articles that were submitted for August.  If you have your own articles that you would like to see in the September edition of Steppers' Wisdom Blog Carnival, there is contact information at Steppers' Wisdom.  Thanks, Shen, for giving us a new way to reach out to other survivors of abuse.
Patricia

Dysfunctional Family Systems

There is an interesting conversation going over at Emerging From Broken.  You will find this article at the following link http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=796 .  Several of the comments at the end of the article are mine.  This article is going to be an edited version of one of my comments plus some others thoughts that I have had on the topic of Dysfunctional Family Systems.

There are quite a number of books written on the topic.  I visited Amazon.com earlier to see what was available and quit after page 17 of the list.  Two of the best, in my opinion are Healing The Child Within:  Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, written by Charles L. Whitfield and Healing the Shame That Binds You, written by John Bradshaw.  Two others that were life savers for me are both by the same author Melody Beattie Codependent No More and her second book called Beyond Codependency.  I highly recommend each of these four books.

This is just a small definition of what it means to grow up in a dysfunctional family system.  For more information, read any of the four books that I mentioned above. 

In dysfunctional families, the individual members don't talk about what is wrong or what's missing from the family system, things like communication and trust.  They don't usually love themselves.  Sometimes there is neglect of individual needs.  The child doesn't have a healthy adult to model how to take care of themselves so the child doesn't learn this.

In some dysfunctional family systems, there are secrets that everybody knows but nobody talks about.  In my family that secret was alcoholism.  In A.A. and Al-Anon, they call this having an elephant in your living room that nobody wants to see.  The elephant (alcoholism in my family) is there.  Everyone walks around it like it isn't there.  Nobody talks about it.  Another secret that some of my family members either knew about or suspected was incest.  Everybody knows not to talk to outsiders about what is really going on inside the family.  I learned in Al-Anon that we are each only as sick as our secrets.

Everybody is afraid of change.  The dysfunctional family system is very rigid and doesn't allow for change in any form.  Anybody that dares to want to change comes up against resistance from the other family members, sometimes resulting in being ostracized or cast out from the family.  Nobody welcomes change.  Often if you get into recovery as an adult, nobody in the family acknowledges that you have made changes in yourself, that you are different.  They continue to see you in the role that you were assigned as a child.  That can be very frustrating especially for survivors who have worked really hard to make these healthy changes.

Nobody feels supported by the other family members.  Feelings are not shared.  There are often unexpressed, unfelt emotions. Emotions are often ignored or stuffed rather than acknowledged, especially fear and anger. There is usually a lot of underlying stress.  Any time you have secrets.  There is stress.  There is sometimes loneliness even when the family is together in the same room because nobody feels connected to anybody else.

Each member is assigned a role to play in the family.  Some of these roles are family hero, scapegoat, family maintainer, peacemaker, the invisible child, the sick child, and others.  Some people play more than one role at a time.  I played hero, family maintainer, and peacemaker at different times. I was also my mother's emotional protector at least by the age of 3.  I have a very clear memory of this.

Everyone is fearful, often without knowing why.  Sometimes, as in my case, the fear is so deep that I didn't even realize until I was 19 years old that I lived in daily fear for my life and sanity.  I didn't recognize the fear because it was constantly, always there in the fabric of my life.  I don't remember a time that I wasn't fearful.

In my dysfunctional family, my dad was a dictator of what we did, what we thought, how we acted.  He dictated through his rage.  Not all dysfunctional families are this extreme.  Some are.  Some are not.  Some families are so disconnected from their feelings that nothing seems wrong on the surface.

These are just a few symptoms of living in a dysfunctional family system.  The family system is more important than any of its individual members.  Nobody is supposed to become a separate individual as they are expected to in a health family system.  There is no separation in a dysfunctional family system.  Everyone is so emeshed that there are no healthy boundaries.  I used walls to keep you out and to keep me protected.  This separation was such a big issue in my family that I waited until I was 19 to run away from home.  My dad was not going to let me leave if he had known in advance.  I told my mom that I was leaving.  My dad came after me two days later.  He threatened suicide if I didn't come back home to live.  He didn't commit suicide and I didn't go back home to stay.  I went home for the weekend to say goodbye to my sister and brother.  I left for good on Monday morning.  I knew in my heart that if I didn't run away that my dad would never have let me escape from under his rule.  Again, this is an extreme example of a dysfunctional family system.

These are just some of the symptoms of growing up in a dysfunctional family system.  There are many more.  Not all families have all of these symptoms.  Do you personally know any families that don't have some dysfunction?  I know some that are working on getting healthier.  Our society is full of families dealing with addictions and codependency.  Some families are healthier than others.

You may ask why am I willing to write a blog about incest, about my own dysfunctional family system.  Why am I making all of my families dirty laundry public?  Some might say that I am being judgmental of others when I talk about my own recovery and my very unhealthy childhood in a home with incest and alcohol.  I am not doing that.  I am sharing what my journey has been like for me. 

Many of us are choosing to go "public" with our issues and our recovery.  You might ask or even demand to know why I would do this to my family.  I am not doing this to anyone.  This is what was done to me and to many other abuse survivors.  Incest is just one of many abuses that are happening to the children of countries around the world.  This abuse will continue unless I and other survivors start to speak out.  Breaking the silence of abuse means that I sometimes get attacked because others don't like having all of this "family" stuff being aired in public.  You won't shut us up any longer.  The survivors of abuse are beginning to speak out on their own behalf and on the behalf of those who are still afraid to speak out. 

I thank Carla Dippel and Darlene Ouimet for speaking to others through their blog Emerging From Broken.  By thanking Carla and Darlene, I am not claiming that they have been abused.  That is for them to decide.  Not me.  I am thanking them for being an inspiration to me personally.  I always welcome comments from my readers.
Patricia

"Freedom's Just Another Word" Book Review

Freedom's Just Another Word is an inspiring book written about a very important part of the path to recovery for the author Dan L. Hays. [ http://www.danlhays.com/freedom.html ]

Freedom's Just Another Word, by Dan L. Hays, Virtualbookworm.com Publishing Inc., College Station, TX, 2008.

Dan Hays and I first connected on his blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, Overcoming the Effects of Growing up in an Alcoholic Family.  There I read about Dan's Tiger Dream. [ http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/talk-of-tigersthe-tiger-unveiled/ ]

By the time that I read a second article that Dan wrote about his Tiger Dream and labeling the Tiger as his rage,  [http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/healing-my-anger-defusing-a-time-bomb/ ] I was ready to order Dan's book and read it.

In Freedom's Just Another Word, Dan retraces some of his childhood memories of places he lived which in turn brought up forgotten or blocked memories of his childhood---things Dan wasn't even sure that he wanted to remember.  Want to or not, Dan knew that he needed to remember these memories to release the blocks that were killing him and blocking his potential success in life and his career.

The memories that Dan recovered initially brought up a lot of pain and terror to Dan's mind and body.  Those memories brought out rage over incidences in his childhood, anger at his dad and at God.  Something that my own path has shown me is that we often label God with the same beliefs and feelings that we have from and toward our own Earthly, human father.  Dan saw his human father Ben as being punishing, unforgiving, and uncaring.  Dan saw God in the same harsh light.  In remembering his childhood, Dan discovered an alcoholic father who beat young Danny when in an alcoholic blackout which means that Dan's father had no memories of the beatings afterwards.

Since I found Dan's blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing and the story of Dan's Tiger Dream, I have felt a strong connection to Dan and his journey through recovery.  Since reading his book Freedom's Just Another Word, the connection has grown even stronger.  Like Dan, I often questioned my connection to God.  We both thought God was punishing us for being bad children.  We thought that God had turned His back on us because of the shame we carried.  Like me, part of Dan's journey took him face to face with God and his anger at God.  We both came out the other side knowing that God was taking care of us all along.  God is always understanding and doesn't kill you if you get angry at Him.  He welcomes your rage as much as He welcomes your prayers and praise.

Reading Dan's book has brought up more feelings, memories, and a dream for me to process.  So much is going through my mind right now that it will take some time for me to sort it out and understand.

Here is part of a comment that I left on Dan's blog article "Healing My Anger - Defusing a Time Bomb: [You will find the link to this article already in my post.] 

"You [Dan] are so very brave to do all of the hard work that you have done on your issues.  Your book is going to cause me to go back and peel some more layers off of some of my own issues.  I am in awe of the healing that you have done.  I am going to have to start using my sponsor [Al-Anon] more to do some more intense work of my own that I have been afraid of doing by myself.  You are truly blessed by the ACA [Adult Children of Alcoholics] friends that you have.  I haven't had that for a very long time."

Dan, when I read the last page of your book, I did not want the story to end.  Thank God that you are writing more books about your remarkable, truly amazing journey through recovery.  Thank you for sharing all of your pain, fears, and triumph over the family disease of alcoholism.
Patricia

What Am I Responsible For?

Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., New York, NY, 1992, page 85, March 25:

"I came to Al-Anon confused about what was and was not my responsibility.  Today, after lots of Step work, I believe I am responsible for the following:  to be loyal to my values; to please myself first; to keep an open mind; to detach with love; to rid myself of anger and resentment; to express my ideas and feelings instead of stuffing them; to attend Al-Anon meetings and keep in touch with friends in the fellowship; to be realistic in my expectations; to make healthy choices; and to be grateful for my blessings.

. . . . . . . . . .

I am not responsible for my alcoholic loved one's drinking, sobriety, job, cleanliness, diet, dental hygiene, or other choices.  It is my responsibility to treat this person with courtesy, gentleness, and love.  In this way we both can grow.

Today's reminder
Today, if I am tempted to interfere with something that is none of my business, I can turn my attention instead to some way in which I can take care of myself.

'I have a primary responsibility to myself:  to make myself into the best person I can possibly be.  Then, and only then, will I have something worthwhile to share.'
Living With Sobriety"

Last night's Al-Anon meeting was on Guilt and Taking Care of Ourselves.  I was one of the last people given a chance to talk and I passed because everything had already been said and I didn't have anything new to add to the conversation.  I was thumbing through one of my Al-Anon books and found the above reading that I am sharing with you today.  Here are some of my thoughts on my own experiences with blaming, responsibility and taking care of myself.

As an incest survivor and an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I learned blaming at an early age.  Both parents taught it to me.  When I came into Al-Anon back in April 1989, I blamed myself for just about everything that could go wrong in my life and in yours.  I read somewhere that an abused child accepts blame for their own abuse because it makes them feel that there is something in their world that they can control.  That feels right to me.  I felt so helpless in my childhood that I needed to feel in control of something, even if it was just blaming myself for the abuse.  A young child needs their parents to survive.  You don't want to admit that the person who is in control of your very survival is abusing you.  You need that person in order for you to survive.  You need to be able to trust that person so you blame yourself.  You tell yourself that the abuse is your fault.  You must be at fault therefore, you learn to blame yourself for being molested or for being beaten or for being tortured.  You need the parent that you love so much to be faultless, after all, they are God in your small world.  They can't be wrong.  They have all the power.  Your survival depends upon them.

When I came into Al-Anon, I learned that I wasn't to blame for the incest.  He was the adult.  I was just a child doing what my parent said.  I wasn't to blame.  I was not in control.  This was not my responsibility.  I learned to forgive myself for carrying that blame around for so long.  I learned to take care of myself.

In learning to let go of what was not my responsibility, I started to heal.  I learned that I had needs and wants that were okay to have.  I learned to meet my own needs instead of expecting or hoping that others would do it for me.  I learned that I was responsible for my own happiness, not my husband or my children.  I learned to feel rather than stuff my emotions.  I learned that it was okay to be angry, hurt, sad, lonely, disgusted.  I learned that my rage wouldn't hurt anyone else and it wouldn't hurt me once I quit stuffing it.  I learned that some of my headaches were my own resistance to what is.  I learned that I couldn't change my past but I could change my reaction to that past.  I learned that what I am not responsible for isn't my business.  I learned that I wasn't responsible for fixing you or the world.  I learned that what you do or don't do isn't a reflection of me, it is a reflection of you.  I learned that what you think about me is none of my business.  I learned to respect you and your journey as well as to respect myself and my journey.  I learned that my expectations offer set me up for holding resentments against you.  You are not my judge and I am not yours.  I learned that I often judge myself more harshly than anyone else ever could.  I don't have to be perfect and neither do you.

Now, do you see why I still go to Al-Anon meetings.  I continue to learn more about myself in each meeting that I go to.  I realize just how crazy I once was and how far I have come from being that person.  Thank you, God and thank you, Al-Anon.
Patricia

Related Articles:
Blame Keeps You Stuck---Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series---Part 7
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/blame-keeps-you-stuck-incest-may-be.html

Blame And Resentment Are Toxic Emotions
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/blame-and-resentment-are-toxic-emotions.html

Growing Up With Alcoholism In The Family
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/growing-up-with-alcoholism-in-family.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me?
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

Dreams About Tigers---What They Mean To Me

I recently read an article called "Talk of Tigers/The Tiger Unveiled" and watched a video about his dream about tigers that was written by Dan L. Hays at his blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing. I ask that you watch the video first. You will find it at the following link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/fhs1968writerman#p/a/u/0/ary8eVG_e94

After you have watched the video, then go to the following link to read Dan's article about the dream:

http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/talk-of-tigersthe-tiger-unveiled/

Then come back here and finish reading my article. I will wait on you to return. Be sure to read the comments at the end of Dan's article and video.

Why is reading about Dan's Tiger dream so important to me? Because I have my own Tiger dream which started having sometime after my 7th birthday. How do I know how old I was? Because the house that is in my dream was the house that my grandmother lived in when I was 7 years old. She only lived there for a part of that one year.

Before I go any further, I want to tell you my Tiger dream. I have briefly mentioned it in a few of my past articles. Here it is:

I am about 7 years old and I am alone in my grandmother's house. No one else is around. I am frightened. There is a huge golden and black striped tiger walking around outside the house. As he walks completely around the house, I follow him from door to window to window watching him. He is talking to me as we both walk. He says in this really deep voice, "I am going to eat you." He keeps talking and telling me this over and over again as he walks around the house looking for a way to get inside. I make sure that each door and each window is closed and locked. I am so afraid. I don't know how long the dream goes on before I wake up terrified. I don't go back to sleep for a very long time afterwards.

I dreamed this dream quit often over the years of my childhood and young adulthood. I can't tell you when I had this dream last. It was sometimes after I started the 12-Step programs of Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. It was always the same, never changing any of the elements of the dream. I was always terrified, even as an adult when I had this dream. I was always around 7 years old in the dream.

I know that for me to always be 7 in the dream that some kind of developmental stage stopped for me at that age. I don't know why that year is so important for me. I have always known that something monumental happened that year without knowing what it was. As I said in my comment to Dan's article, I can still see the dream in my mind so clearly after all of these years.

I never could figure out what the tiger stood for in my dream. When Dan said that his Tiger represented his rage that was buried way below the surface and was even hidden from him, I felt chills going through me. I recognised that as a truth for me as well. Dan said that the Tiger (his rage) was dangerous to him and anyone who got close to him. My rage was very much like that when I was in denial of its existence. I would suppress my rage as long as I could. Do you know how much of my energy was wasted suppressing that rage? Because of it, I was so tired all of the time for many, many years. As a young child, I knew what bone-weary tired felt like.

Dan said that his legacy of rage came from his father. I think that my dream took place in my grandmother's house because family was probably where my legacy of rage came from. My grandmother was a quiet person. My mother was in denial of all of her feelings. As a teenager, I figured out that my mother and grandmother were quietly angry with one another. I never knew why. If I had asked either one, they would have denied it. Do you know how destructive silent rage can be? I suspect that the anger had something to do with my grandfather. He died when I was 2 years old. My mother was the baby of the family and extremely spoiled and protected by her daddy. I wonder if the anger between my grandmother and mother was possibly jealousy because of that attention that my mother got from her father. All 3 are dead now so I have no one to ask about it.

The denied rage could also have come down from my grandfather and his parents. When my grandfather was just a baby, his mother left him and his father and ran off. My great-grandfather was so angry that he would never tell my grandfather his mother's name. He grew up never knowing anything about his mother or her family. When my grandfather would ask about her, his father would not answer. He refused to talk about her at all. When my grandfather was 10 years old, his father died and left him to be raised by neighbors who took him in. Since he died when I was 2 years old, I don't know if my grandfather carried the rage of his father forward into the next generation or not.

Just like alcoholism, which is rampant in my dad's family background, rage was be passed down the generations. My dad's grandfather was well known for being a mean S.O.B. He wasn't nice to his wives or children. His first wife died shortly after childbirth and he wanted to bury the baby girl with her. He apparently didn't think much of girls. A neighbor took the baby girl and raised her. His second wife divorced him and got a restraining order against him in the early 1900's. She kept the 5 children that they had together. My great-grandmother was his 3rd wife. She left him after he tried to poison her several times. When my great-grandmother died in the 1920's, both of their sons went to live with their dad. He was well-known for beating his animals also. Would you say that he probably had a rage problem too?

I know that I suppressed my own rage for many years, denying its existence in every way possible. I stuffed my feelings with food and still do to a smaller degree. I refused to acknowledge its existence. If you asked me, I would have said that I wasn't angry. Good little girls, respectful of their parents and all adults, didn't get angry, much less feel rage. My dad was a rageaholic. I knew what it looked like. I didn't want to feel that way too. It hurt too much. I didn't like my dad when he was raging. He was very abusive when he was raging. I didn't want to see myself as that way, capable of hurting myself and others that same way that my dad did.

As I have said before, I was like a pressure cooker who occasionally blew my safety valve when the stream became too great from stuffing the rage. When I was raging, like my dad, I felt no compassion for anyone. I took no prisoners. Fear was the monster that fueled my rage. Fear was also what kept me from facing my rage. I thought that anger and rage were the same thing and always very dangerous. My dad's rages were always dangerous. Rage always came with the threat of violence. For many years, I was afraid that if I let my rage out that I might kill someone with its intensity.

Except for in my dreams, I have never been afraid of Tigers. To me they are the most beautiful creature that God ever created. Have you ever seen a color more beautiful that they golden orange color of Tigers? Have you ever seen a creature more powerful and majestic than a Tiger? A Tiger reminds me of how powerful I can be as a creation of God. A Tiger bows down to no man. A Tiger is a victim to no one.

A Tiger, to me, represents the strength that I needed to overcome the effects of incest on my life. I have pictures and a small stuffed Tiger to remind me of the beauty and power of Tigers. As Dan said, Tigers spend most of their lives alone. I can relate to that also in that I have felt alone for much of my life, separated from others because of the lack of trust and fear of abandonment that I lived with for so many years because of the incest.

Thank you, Dan Hays, for your video and article on your Tiger dream. Dan and I have had a few conversations about the uncanny similarities between us that have come out from his sharing his Tiger dream. I look forward to reading more of Dan's blog articles and future discussions. I look forward to reading Dan's book The Tiger Unveiled when he finishes writing and getting it published.

Dan also has a Radio show called "Minute to Freedom" with Dan Hays that you can find at the following link:

http://www.radiokevin.com/minutetofreedom.htm

I haven't listened to any of the radio programs yet, but I am excited to hear them soon. Now I am off to read some more of Dan's blog articles. I hope that you will join me. Have a glorious day of exploring your world.
Patricia

Denial, FEAR's Companion And BFF

Sometimes denial can help us to survive an unbearable situation. Sometimes denial can keep us trapped in that unbearable situation. How do you know the difference?

Denial can be FEAR's closest companion and helper in keeping you trapped in its tight-fisted hold. Denial keeps you from seeing FEAR for what it is. Denial might be considered FEAR's BFF---today's slang meaning "Best Friends Forever". That is how close denial and fear can be to each other. Denial can help fear to become the monster FEAR. A friend recently said that his serenity comes from accepting that "what is is." Denial doesn't let you do that. Denial doesn't want you to do acceptance of your circumstances because if you do denial dies. Denial's death is the beginning of letting go of your fears. When you face your fears, then FEAR is on his way out of your life. Letting go of denial is when you can finally start chipping away at your fears one at a time. FEAR can't live if you do away with its BFF denial and all of its little fears.


Whether you know it or not, you have the courage to face down FEAR. Breaking it down to all of its parts makes FEAR go away. FEAR can't exist in the same room with awareness and acceptance. Have you made your list of fears that I invited you to do in my previous article? I hope that you have because that is the beginning of taming FEAR and running him out of your life. Once you do that don't leave a vacuum around you where FEAR used to reside because he can slip back in. Fill that space with hobbies that you love, people that you love. Fill that space with Love, joy and contentment. "Let Go and Let God" is one of the slogans from Al-Anon that I use to let go of a lot of my fears over the years. Letting God, your Higher Power (whatever that means to you), your Higher Self, a recovery group, your counselor or therapist, your best friend, your spouse, whatever support system that you have be there to help you face your fears and release them from your life. Ask for help when you need it. Asking for help can be one of your fears---fear of rejection, fear of being judged. Face that fear. Reach out to someone who loves you. You don't have to do this work by yourself.

Below you will find links to other articles that I have posted about fear. I invite you to click on the links for more information on the topic of fear.

Gifts Of Facing Your Fears:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/gifts-of-facing-your-fears.html

Tools Of The Ego:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/tools-of-ego.html

Fear Expressed:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/08/fear-expressed.html

Fear Is My Friend:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Let me know how you are dealing with facing your fears? Is your fear still the monster FEAR or have you chopped him down to a manageable size? What has worked for you? What didn't work? Remember, you don't have to go through your fears alone.
Patricia

Fear Of Rejection Makes You Afraid To Ask For Help

Why after all these years does fear of rejection still have such a strong hold on me? Why do I still expect you to hurt me by either saying no or by ignoring me if I ask you for help? Why is this so common a fear in our society?

I realized that my lesson last week was to show me that I still have trouble asking for help. I went to an Al-Anon meeting this week and the topic of discussion was grieving, taking care of ourselves and asking for help. I wasn't surprised to see that almost everyone in the room said they had trouble asking for help.

The book that the discussion came from is one of Al-Anon's newest additions: Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, 2007. This book was written by Al-Anon members about the grieving process and the losses that happen from living with the family disease of alcoholism.

In my head, I know that I am worthy of asking for help. Someone said this in the Al-Anon group and I have also heard it in my grieving class. When you don't ask someone for help, you are robbing them of the experience of feeling good about themselves by reaching out to help you. It makes sense. I know that it is how I feel when I help others. Still it is difficult for me to say that I need help. It is hard to allow you to see my vulnerabilities. When I am vulnerable, I am wide open to being hurt by you. That fear is so difficult to get past.

Someone recently was talking about his own ability to grieve and said that he couldn't grieve, that he didn't know how. I have heard many old-timers in 12-Step groups talk about being on the "pity-pot". That makes me angry when I hear someone say, "Get off your pity-pot." To me, legitimate grieving is not being on a "pity-pot." Being on a "pity-pot" isn't going through the grieving process. It is using feelings and tears to attract attention to yourself because you don't know any other way to get attention. Most of us probably know a drama queen or two. For them, you never see an end to their grief. It never goes away and they never take any steps toward healing. With their tears and drama, they demand your attention. Their grief never gets resolved. It just goes on and on ruling their lives and the lives of anyone who will listen.

I have never read anything on the topic of "pity-pots." This is just my observations about it. I could even be wrong. This is just what I have observed. Some people may see me as a drama queen who can't seem to let go of my grief. I am often surprised at how other people see me. Hopefully, I am not staying struck in the grief. I do know that you have to move through grief for it to finally go away. Ignoring grief doesn't make it disappear. I know because that was what I did for many years.

Craig Harper wrote an article this week called "Unlearning" that talks about the beliefs that we have learned and how we need to unlearn some of them. You can find this article at the following link:

http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development-life-lessons/unlearning/

Craig leaves you with a list of questions to ask yourself about the beliefs you have about yourself and your life.
Patricia

Calm

I don't really have a lot to share today. I just wanted to let you know that for the past two weeks I have been in a place of calm. I told my Al-Anon sponsor the same thing in our talk on the phone yesterday. She told me that, knowing me, she knew that I wasn't running away or ignoring any major issues. That acknowledgment by her felt good. I am just in a place of calm, not the calm before the storm that I used to imagine it as, but a place of real calm. No issues are disturbing me right now. It is a time of rest and renewal of my energy and emotional health. Breaks are good for you when you are a survivor. You can't always be working on your issues. There is a whole other world to explore and other people to enjoy contact with. I no longer feel guilty for the breaks that I sometimes take. I deserve the time off to enjoy life. So do you.

During this break, I am still going to my Al-Anon meeting and my Grief class. Even they haven't brought up any issues for me the past two weeks. I know that could change later today or even tomorrow and I could be back in full growth/moving forward mode again. Until then I will enjoy the fiction books that I am reading, the movies that I have been watching and any other type of play that comes my way. Part of my journey means enjoying the breaks when they come along. All of life doesn't have to be hard. Enjoy.
Patricia

We Are All Vulnerable To Life And Other People

From Awakening, A Daily Guide to Conscious Living, written by Shakti Gawain, Revised Edition, 1991 & 2006, October 3 page:

"We are all vulnerable

Most of us are somewhat afraid of our vulnerability. We have various ways of masking it, hiding it, defending it. The key to intimacy, though, is being able to be vulnerable with another person. To do that, we must first be honest with ourselves about our deepest, most vulnerable feelings. We must learn to care for and protect these feelings, not by closing them off and defending them, but by being able to say honestly what we feel and ask for what we need.

As we learn to use our inner strength to support and express our inner vulnerability instead of to repress it, we begin to feel safer and more comfortable opening up to another person.

I am learning to feel comfortable with my vulnerability."


Being vulnerable enough to ask for help is a biggy for me. You can read my previous article "Dealing With Change" found at http://patricia-singleton.blogspot.com/2009/10/dealing-with-change.html for some of those reasons.

Lately, I continue to put myself in a place of being vulnerable to others. I actually do that with everyone of the articles that I write on this blog. I allow myself to be vulnerable when I call my Al-Anon sponsor or my best friend.

I recently started attending a grieving group which gives me plenty of opportunities to be vulnerable with more sharing of my incest story and my recovery experiences. Any time that you are in recovery, you do grieving work. Any time that you go to a counselor or therapist, some, if not most, of the work that you do is grieving work as you learn to face your issues. The homework for our group this week was twofold:
1. Give someone else some of your "experience, strength, and hope" when they ask for your help.
2. Receive help from someone else gracefully.

One very important fact that the class was told last night was that "Help is not help unless the person receiving it perceives it as help." Giving advice, even when it is asked for, isn't always helpful. Most of the time when a person asks for advice, what they really need and want is someone to listen to them as they talk and figure out their own answers.

I know that a lot of my readers come from a childhood of abuse in some form. I am passing my homework assignment along to any of you who are willing to do it this week. Let me know how you did.

In a recent comment, I was asked to share a website with my readers. After looking at the website and emailing back and forth with one of the contributers, I decided to put up a Blog Link with this person, Thomas Dow, and his website. His website is called "Let's Be Present". You can find his site at the following link: http://www.letsbepresent.com/ . Thomas, like me, is a Lightworker who is reaching out to help others heal from their childhood abuse issues as he works to heal his own issues.
Patricia

Relationships And Trust

From Awakening, A Daily Guide to Conscious Living, written by Shakti Gawain, New World Library, Novato, California, 1991, Revised 2006, October 1 page:

"We need relationships

Our primary relationship is with ourselves, and ultimately that's the only one that can provide the foundation for wholeness. That's the place where we need to find integration and balance. And at the same time, we need relationships with other people in order to be happy and fulfilled in life. If we only look for wholeness and completion within ourselves, we disown the part of ourselves that also needs other people.

Human beings are social creatures. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually --- we absolutely need close contact with other people. We need love, support, understanding, recognition, and stimulation reflected to us by others.

I spend time cultivating my relationship with myself and time reaching out to receive what I need from others."


I recently picked this book up at a used book store. Years ago, I read a book by Shakti Gawain and just didn't connect with it at all. I am connecting with what this book has to offer.

As a Saggittarian, my natal chart shows me that this lifetime for me is all about relationships. My major work this lifetime has to do with all kinds of relationships. Maybe that is why the lessons have been so difficult with my parents. We often learn the most from our greatest struggles in life.

As an incest survivor, my early relationships were full of pain (physical and emotional) and betrayal. Trust has been one of my biggest issues that I struggle with. My newest relationship is with my Al-Anon sponsor. God has blessed me by putting this wonderful lady in my life. She has wisdom and years in Al-Anon that I don't have. That doesn't mean that she doesn't have struggles in life. She does. She allows me to see her struggles and that is good. I can see, first hand, how she handles her own struggles in life and therefore, I learn more by her example than by her words. I know that I can trust what she says because I can see her using it herself. When she is in trouble and overwhelmed, what does she do? She calls her sponsor and works her Steps in the program of Al-Anon, things that I am also learning to do.

It isn't easy for me to call another person and admit that I need help and that I don't have all of the answers. It isn't easy for me to show you my vulnerabilities because in the past those vulnerabilities were used to hurt me. It isn't easy for me to say, "I am hurting." In my childhood, I was shamed when I let it be known that I was unhappy, sad, hurting, angry, crying.....

So, how are your relationships going today? I am learning about myself through my relationships. I am learning that I have value. I am learning that I can care about you and not get hurt. I am learning that you have value. I am learning that I learn best by watching other people and seeing what works for them and what doesn't work for them. I am learning to love myself completely as I am. I am learning to love you completely as you are. I don't have to change you and you don't have to change me. As children of God, we are all perfect and that is as it should be. What have your relationships taught you?
Patricia

Out Of My Comfort Zone---Trust

I called my new Al-Anon sponsor for the first time. I walked in the door from shopping, picked up the phone and called her before I could come up with any excuses to not call her. I told her that I called her before I could chicken out again.

Trust is such a difficult issue for me even today. Right now it is even difficult to find the words to express my thoughts on the topic of trust.

In Al-Anon, I used to pre-think what I was going to say when it was my turn instead of listening to what others say on the chosen topic. Recently I called myself on this and as a result I often seem to stumble (at least to me) through what I want to say. I want honesty rather than perfection and approval. This is one way that I am stretching to trust myself and the group. I want what I share to come from my heart rather than from my store of knowledge. I don't want to continue to hide behind my knowledge.

I have to trust that when my sponsor asks me how I am that she really wants to know or she wouldn't ask. My automatic response was that I was doing fine. I know I am lying when I say the word "fine" anywhere in relation to my feelings. I learned in Al-Anon years ago that "fine" means (Pardon the language coming up.)

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

When I first heard that, I thought how true when I am in the middle of my emotional garbage. So when I tell you that I am doing fine, that is what I mean. When I am working on my incest issues, this is how I really feel when I can admit it to myself. That is the honesty that I want to have with myself and my sponsor---to be able to admit what I am really feeling.

As an incest survivor, for years I used the illusion of control in my life to feel safe. I have to trust my sponsor not to do or say anything that will hurt me. On an intellectual level, I can talk myself into sharing my issues with her. On a feeling level, sharing is more difficult. You would think that writing on this blog would make that easier but it doesn't. Sharing with you is different than sharing with my sponsor on a one-on-one level. Anyone with a therapist probably knows what I am trying to say.

My sponsor has me reading an Al-Anon book called Paths to Recovery - Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. In working Step One - "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable." - I can easily say that I am powerless over alcohol. I can admit that my life has become unmanageable. Asking for help has been the difficult part for me. When I have to ask for help, that need brings out shame. Some part of me says that I need to be in control all the time, that I should be able to fix my own life, that I should be able to protect myself without help from anyone else. All of those thoughts come from shame and low self-worth. Some part of me equates powerlessness with being out of control.

Am I still talking about trust or has my ego steared me away from what I don't want to talk about. The bottom line is always how much do I trust myself. If I don't trust myself, how can I trust anyone else? I really want to be committed to doing this work rather than going to the kitchen and stuffing myself with food to get back into my comfort zone. I have been overeating this past week instead of facing my feelings head-on. That is something that I very much want to change. I will move forward through this one step at a time.

I hope that what I have written here makes sense. Right now I am too close to the feelings to know if all of the words are what I intend for them to be. Am I making sense to any of you?
Patricia

Out Of My Comfort Zone---A New Al-Anon Sponsor

I am way out of my comfort zone this week, for several reasons.

First, on Wednesday after the Al-Anon meeting, I asked a lady to be my sponsor. That makes me accountable to her for my behavior and growth. When I asked her was during a hug. I started crying---still don't know what that was about. I told her that I have been meaning to ask her to be my sponsor for awhile. My obstacles to asking her have been my fear of being rejected, fear of being blamed for the incest, and fear of not being worthy of her time. Having a sponsor in Al-Anon means seeing her in person for discussions about my recovery, or lack thereof, while using the 12 Steps of Al-Anon to create growth in my life and talking to her on the phone several days a week besides at Al-Anon meetings. I touched a spark of shame that I didn't know was still there. That spark was about not being worthy of taking up someone else's time. That is my biggest reason for not calling someone else on the phone when I need help. Well, this week, I went out on a limb and asked. It left me feeling vulnerable which is a feeling that I still haven't learn to be ok with. Feeling vulnerable means not feeling safe to me.

My first sponsor was a male friend from Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was told that women should have women sponsors and men should have men sponsors so that no 13th stepping goes on. (I think it is called 13th stepping. I am not sure.) It prevents possible sexual abuse happening between the man and woman. At the time that I picked my male sponsor, I was more afraid of being judged by a woman. Most of the women in my life when I was a child were extremely judgmental. That was my biggest fear from women. At the time, I couldn't face that possibility. He was my sponsor until his wife came along. Then she became my co-sponsor. After her death ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/07/most-influencial-person-3-recovery.html ), I was very angry at God and didn't want another sponsor that could leave and abandon me. After a few months, I asked another lady to be my sponsor. This was only for a short time before I stopped going to Al-Anon.

Asking another person to be my sponsor is a very big step for me because it means that I have to do the First Step and give up control to another person as well as to God. It means that I now have to work all 12 Steps over again with a new person in charge. It is very hard for me to give any control over to another person in my life.

My new sponsor asked me to be sure and share all of the good stuff in my life too if I am going to share all of the garbage that comes along. Knowing me as well as I do, you will be hearing more about this new part of my journey. I made the committment to call my new sponsor every week which I haven't done yet. We did meet at McDonald's earlier in the week for breakfast and our first discussion as sponsor/sponsee.
Patricia

Blog Link Love

Can you believe that the summer is already half over. Kids go back to school in about six weeks or so depending upon your school system. I am so thankful that my kids are grown and we no longer have to go through that. Daniel is talking about the possibility of flying to Idaho before school starts to visit our daughter, son-in-law and their four kids before they start back to school. I don't envy my daughter trying to get four kids in school.

I have had a quiet week and don't have anything urgent to write about today. I thought I would share some of the blogs that I discovered this week. We have such an amazing amount of writers and knowledge on just about anything you want to look up on the internet these days. It used to be the library that you went to for information. Today it is the worldwide web without having to even leave the comfort of our air conditioned homes.

Here are the blogs that I discovered this week:

The first blog is called Keeping It Real written and hosted by Darren Sproat found at
http://blog.darrensproat.com/ . I read several articles by Darren and his guest authors this week: "Energize your Passion and "Clear Your Limitations" were written by Mr. Sproat. "Healing Tree Grounding Ceremony" and "Spiritual Connection?" were written by a guest author, Frank Dickinson. I liked Darren's site so much that I subscibed to it and look forward to reading more.

The second blog that I ran across this week is called Positively Present written by Dani. The article that I read is "saying no to negativity is as easy as ABC(DE)". I have several negative people in my life, including myself at times. I tend to give in to negativity when I am afraid of circumstances or the people involved. The article gives you ways to deal with negativity when it comes up. The list is called "The ABCDE Disputation Technique (or, 5 Ways to Get Rid of Negativity)". Do yourself a favor and check out the article at the following link:
http://www.positivelypresent.com/2009/07/disputing-negativity-is-as-easy-as-abcde.html .

The third blog for this week is called The Rat Race Trap and is written by Stephen Mills. This blog is a personal development blog that offers some really sound advise. The articles that I read are "Stop Being the Victim" and "Finding Your True Self". You will find Stephen's blog at the following link: http://www.ratracetrap.com/ .

The fourth blog is written by Evelyn Lim and called Attraction Mind Map. Evelyn's blog is about "Attract [ing] Abundance With Your Mind" which is the subtitle of her blog. The article that I read is called "Love The Man In The Mirror." To check out this blog, go to the following site: http://www.attractmindmap.com/love-the-man-in-the-mirror/ .

The fifth and last blog for this article comes from Another Sober Alcoholic. Even though I am not an alcoholic, I learned in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics groups that I have some of the characteristics of an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic only because I choose not to drink. I have too many fears of how I would behave as an alcoholic to ever want to test that alcoholic gene that I carry. You will find this blog at the following link: http://steveroni.blogspot.com . Steve seems to have quite a bit of information to offer through the sharing of his own journey of being a recovering alcoholic.

Happy Reading,
Patricia