Loving Yourself Means Letting Go Of Negative Labels

Many of us were labeled as children. Family systems have a label for every member. Labels like Family Hero, Scapegoat, Peacemaker, Black Sheep. Some of those labels can be good and some of them not. Either way, you don't have to continue being that label unless you want to.

I was the Family Hero. The recognition that goes with being the family hero felt good but the pressure to be perfect and to take care of everyone to the exclusion of myself did not. Sometimes people still look to me to fix things. Sometimes I can but sometimes I can't. When I can't, that doesn't make me irresponsible or bad, like it felt when I was a child and even young adult. I have worked to let go of the perfectionism and its resulting pressure to be someone that I am not.

Many survivors are made into the Family Scapegoat and the dysfunctional family will do its best to keep that person stuck there because then they can blame everything that goes wrong with the family on that person. This is especially true if that survivor suddenly starts to tell the family secrets such as incest. Many survivors and their stories are discounted because, according to the family, that person has always been sick, or a liar,  just no good, or some other negative label to takes the focus away from the family system and its dysfunction.

As a survivor, you can make the decision for yourself to not be labeled any more. You can stop believing the family &/or the abusers who want you to stay labeled. Stop believing that you are a Scapegoat, Black Sheep, or even Family Hero. You are what you believe about yourself.

Part of learning to love yourself is to let go of all of the negative beliefs - your family's and your own. You can become who you want to be. You have survived the worst that life has to give. That makes you strong. Start out by forgiving yourself for believing the lies. Look at who you are without the labels. If you don't know who you are, explore. Find out what you like and don't like. Sit with your feelings and learn to recognise them without the drama that dysfunctional families often create. Life is a journey. Decide what direction you want to go in rather than the direction that your family is wanting you to go in. Realize that you can make decisions for yourself. You have the right to make choices on your own rather than being controlled by someone else's behavior.  You are a suvivor so act like one.

It is okay to be timid and shy and even unsure of yourself. Making choices and guiding your own life may be new to you. You are allowed to make mistakes and detours along the way. Mistakes are just lessons waiting to be learned. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They show you what is important and what is not. Mistakes challenge you to look at life and yourself in a new way which is growth.

Being you shouldn't hurt. Most of the survivors that I have been blessed to meet are strong, caring, kind people because they know what it is like to be controlled and hurt by someone else. You can't wish away the hurt but you can become a better you because of it. Use your strength to grow healthier, to help other survivors, to be a better person than those people who want to hold you down. Move forward even it is is just one step at a time. Reach out when you are hurting. There are plenty of other survivors who care and will be there for you if you let them. No one has to deal with child sexual abuse alone. Sending love and blessings to each of you who read this today. Be a friend to yourself first. Love yourself. When you change yourself, you change the world.
Patricia

Vacation Revisited

My husband Daniel and I have been home from our 10-day vacation to visit our daughter and her family for 10 days. We were gone from home from Sunday, September 6 until just before midnight on Tuesday, September 15.

We had a wonderful trip. It was time that we laughed and teased each other. We made a lot of bathroom stops for me and a lot of stops for Daniel to get out and walk so that his leg would stop hurting. Let's face facts here, as much as our daughter doesn't want it to be true, we have gotten older. Daniel just turned 60 years old in August and I have my 58th birthday coming up in December. We are both slowing down a little. Long trips are harder for us to make. Daniel surprised me when he decided to drive to Idaho. He had said no more long trips out West. He got to missing his daughter and grandchildren so much that he decided to make the trip anyway. I am glad that he did.

The visiting with our daughter and her family was not nearly long enough. Half of the trip is spent traveling to and from the houses. We live in Arkansas and she lives in Idaho---two and a half days of travel and 2 nights in motels along the way.

My daughter and I both took pictures galore of everything that we did together. I have over 200 pictures of my own to look at and our daughter is sending me copies of hers as well which is another 200 pictures. If I had the know-how, I would post some of the pictures on here but I don't. I have pictures of our daugher and her husband whom we also love very much, even though he has no clue as to why we should love him. He does his best to take care of our daughter and grandchildren.

I have so many pictures of our beautiful and talented grandchildren ages 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old. The 3-year-old wasn't talking the last time that we saw him. He is not only talking but he is also very polite in saying "Thank You." and "I love you." Daniel teased him about his middle name also being Daniel. They both loved it.

The 5-year-old is in kindergarten and loved it that we would come to her school with her mom and little brother to pick her up at noon every day. It has been about 2 years now since she last cut her hair. For about 2 years before that, her mom had to hide the scissors from her. She still managed to find her older sister's school scissors and cut her hair shorter and shorter about 3 times. I bought her hats to wear until the hair could grow back out the last time that she cut it so short that people didn't know if she was a boy or girl. She loved the hats. It was nice to have a half day of time with the two youngest grandchildren before the oldest two would get home from school.

Our 7-year-old grandson was a joy to be with for the first time since he was about 2 years old. He was a happy little boy so full of energy and happiness. He has not been a happy child since his first vaccination shots when he was about two years old. The so-called experts can't decide what label to put on him for school. Right now we are back to saying he is ADHD. Last year, he was placed on medication for ADHD at the insistence of his teachers and school. Over the summer, he was taken off the medications because my daughter and son-in-law didn't like the effect that they had on his personality. Recently he was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder and is currently on medication for that. He doesn't appear to be drugged like he was with the ADHD medicines. He is very active and talkative and what he says makes sense. He seems happy. Grandma's only problem is that he talks so fast that I have to really, really listen to catch everything that he says. He is happy. That seems almost like a miracle. It is such a difference in how he was last year. Thank you God.

Our 9-year-old granddaughter is so smart and fun to be around. She questions life and everyone who is around her. She is the oldest and right now, according to her, is tired of being the oldest sister. Being an oldest sister myself, I know about the responsibilities that sometimes go with being the oldest of the kids. I told her that there will be times when she is glad that she is the oldest. It has its advantages as well as disadvantages just like all the other positions in a family. This grandchild is at the top of her class and has been since 1st grade. She got to dance with her grandfather at a Civil War style dance during our vacation and they both loved it. She will be our fashion expert in the family. She loves anything to do with Hannah Montana.

I hope that our daughter knows how much we love her and miss her and how much these trips mean to us. Both of us share a love of photography and travel. Her daddy is the one who suffers from empty nest syndrone. I know how important it is to be able to let go of your children and let them grow into the adults that they are supposed to be. Because of my own childhood of being smothered by a demanding, controlling father and a codependent mother, I was able to let go easier than Daniel. That doesn't mean that I don't love my children. I do, very much. I enjoy seeing the adults that they have become even when occasionally we don't agree about somethings.

On our way home from Idaho, we went through Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas and Oklahoma. If you are traveling by car, in the near future, stay away from I-40 as much as possible. Our country's tax money is being put to good use in reconstruction of I-40 at least every 20 miles it seemed on our trip home. I have never seen so much road construction going on before. If you ever travel though Utah, plan to visit Arches National Park outside of Moab, Utah. It is absolutely gorgeous. We are already talking about maybe meeting our daughter and her family there and camping out sometime next summer, money and time permitting. The kids would love it. I love the reds and browns and yellows of the rock formations.

Enough of me talking about our vacation. We are back home, house cleaned, packing undone, clothes washed, mail sorted through, bills paid, and mind and body mostly rested from the trip home. I missed you all while I was gone and am glad to be back in my own space and time.
Patricia

Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series---Introduction

I am doing a new series of articles starting on Sunday, August 5. This series will be posted on consecutive Sundays. This series will be called "Incest May Be A Part Of My Life". This sentence is continued at the bottom of my first article of the series. It says, "Incest may be a part of my life and it no longer rules my life. I am in total charge of WHO I am." This is important to know.

Even though I am writing about this issue, I am coming from a place of recovery. I am saying to my sister and brother incest survivors that I am in recovery and you can be too. These articles are not being written to cause anybody pain. They are written as a testament of hope and wholeness. Please remind me of that, if I forget.

In order to write these articles, I am revisiting my own childhood and young adulthood of pain. As a friend, K-L Masina reminded me in an article recently, "Pain will always exist - but suffering is optional." You can find her article at http://www.klmasina.co.nz/2007/07/30/pain-will-always-exist-but-suffering-is-optional/ . This is another great article by Kara-Leah. Hers is one of my favorite places that I go for inspiration. Check her out.

I will also be mentioning other sites that I have run across recently that seem to be supporting the points that I will make in my Incest series of articles. My feeling is that if the articles are helping me, then they will be just as valuable to others struggling with survival.

Each of the articles in this new series will start with the following words of warning.

"Warning: Reading the following series may be injurious to your peace of mind. They are intended to be. Without knowledge, we cannot prevent child abuse from happening. Go beyond this point at your own risk. Join me for the painful, frightening, emotional, freeing journey."

I hope that you will join me on this journey of discovery and growth. If you are a fellow incest survivor, don't be afraid to leave comments. Others will benefit from hearing you "break the silence".

Breaking the silence is an important first step.

Labeling Myself vs. Experiencing What Is.

I recently read a set of 6 interviews done by Karl Staib on his website,
http://KarlStaib.com/2007/05/14/Kara-leah-from-klmasinaconz-interview/ .

Karl interviewed Kara-Leah Masina who has her own website,
http://www.klmasina.co.nz/ .

This was the first time that I had checked out Karl Staib's site. I will go back and read more. I found Karl by looking at the sites that Kara-Leah Masina recommended on her website.

I have been reading Kara-Leah's articles since I first set up my own blog. She was listed on the blogroll of another friend. I have read quite a few of Kara-Leah's articles because I feel so connected to her brand of wisdom. I deeply get what she says in her writings. When I saw that Karl had interviewed Kara-Leah on his site, well, I just had to read them. I left a comment for one of the interviews and that is where the idea for this article came from. Thank you Karl and Kara-Leah. Reading all 6 of the interviews is well worth your time.

In Kara-Leah's Interview Part #5 of 6---"Dive into the Fear", Kara-Leah says, "the fear is a pointer - it is a light that tells us where we need to go. It is not us that experiences fear, but the ego, for the ego knows that to go further along the path in that direction is to let the ego GO, and more than anything the ego wants to build itself up. Hence fear is ultimately the ego's fear of DEATH."

Kara-Leah goes on to say, "dive into the fear".

I have spent a large part of my life doing the opposite - running from the fear. I now know that any time that I am binge eating; any time that I am being controlling; any time that I am trying to fix someone else; then I am running from my own fears. It is always easier to stuff the fear with food or ignore it by trying to fix others rather than fixing myself.

My ego is terrified that I might turn and face my fears. When I have the courage to face my fears, than ego becomes smaller along with the fears. When I face my fears, out of its own terror, ego throws more fear at me to test my resolve in facing my fears.

Just try worrying for awhile if you want to see if my statements are true. How many old fears can your ego drag out of its closet to add to what you initially started worrying about? Then, how many new fears will come and form into line with the old fears? Once you make the decision to not worry, some of your fears will simply disappear because you aren't feeding them any more by worrying.

Worry is food to fear.

I like the saying, "If you have faith, why worry?" If you still worry, you are expressing doubt. If you have doubts, the Universe will give you more reasons to doubt. More reasons to doubt just means more fears.

Ego loves Doubt, which feeds Worry, which in turn feeds Fear. Fear makes the Ego feel strong.

Kara-Leah says that you have to go into the fear, the pain, the grief, the hurt, and the loss. I have learned that if I want to heal, I must do as she suggests. My recent article "Being Honest With Myself" was written because I caught myself running from my feelings. Kara-Leah gave me a new tool for "diving into the fear" when she said rather than saying "I am afraid" say "I am experiencing fear." Kara-Leah, thank you for this new tool.

At this point, I am going to share the comment that I left on Karl's site because my comment sums up what I learned from the Interview. "I will definitely begin using the phrase, 'I am experiencing'. Such a simply yet profound way of looking at one's life. I have never heard the story about searching for God's home and being afraid when you do. (Check out the interview on Karl's site for the details of this wonderful tale.) I can so relate to this message. Once I was an incest victim. Then I was in recovery and became an incest survivor. I lived in this survivor stage for about 15 years. Then I gave up that title because I realized how it was limiting who I was, even though it was far superior to being a victim. I was diagnosed and became a diabetic about 5 years ago. I called myself a diabetic and wore a medical bracelet saying that I was a diabetic. I took that bracelet off 2 weeks ago when I realized what a friend has been telling me for awhile. I don't need to accept that title as being me. I am experiencing a blood sugar disorder. I am not that disorder. Thank you both for clarifying those thoughts for me."

Giving up the title of diabetic and taking off the bracelet happened at church one Sunday just before I wrote the above comment. Rev. Joe Rowe had done a sermon about not claiming an illness as who we are. When he said that, I got it. Any illnesses that my body may have are not who I am. The illness is what my body is experiencing. The illness is not who I am. Thanks, Karl, Kara-Leah and Rev. Joe.

To read the articles that inspired me to write this article go to:
http://KarlStaib.com/2007/05/14/Kara-leah-from-klmasinaconz-interview/ .

For more articles by Kara-Leah Masina go to:
http://www.klmasina.co.nz/ .