Looking Back at 2015 And Forward To 2016

Happy 2016. I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual traveling to visit family in Louisiana for Christmas Eve and then to Texas on Christmas Day. We had joyful times and the stress of organizing and traveling. 

We had family visiting the weekend before Christmas, adding to the joy and the stress both, for me. I love having family visit, once they are here. I had a meltdown a few days before they got here and realized that my inner child was worried about being judged as a terrible housekeeper because my bedroom is still a mess from my papers and books which have gotten out of hand. I asked Daniel for a new bookshelf for Christmas. It is already up and mostly filled. 

My inner child still carries shame from my dad making her feel not good enough when the work she did was never good enough for him. My company doesn't care that my bedroom is a mess. I understand this intellectually. I know the shame is from my childhood where both of my parents expected me to do work that no one ever took the time to show me how to do. Almost everything I know how to do is self-taught. 

I also told Daniel that I was angry at Pamela for not being here to listen to me talk the feelings out so I wouldn't have a meltdown. She died in April 2015. The grief comes and goes. Sometimes it is sadness and tears. Other times, like the week before Christmas, I feel angry and cry. When I talked about the meltdown with Daniel, I could see that I was feeling shame from my inner child again. I am not sure how to heal this shame so that it stops coming up again. 

Looking back at the year of 2015 for this blog shows that I only wrote 19 blog articles which gave me a total of 459 articles since the first one on June 1, 2007. Some of the topics that I wrote about were grief and letting go; silent anger; grooming of parents and children; The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book; resistance to writing; healing and transformation; forgiveness; our 43rd wedding anniversary; doubt and self-awareness. 

Daniel asked me a few days ago whether I had a good year in 2015. 2015 was a hard year, not bad, just full of lessons, illnesses, and the death of my best friend. Frustration and tears were a part of my year. Frustration with my own health issues kept me searching for answers that my doctor wasn't able to give me. After about two years of almost constant headaches and blurry vision, both improved dramatically after I took antibiotics for blisters on my feet. I saw four doctors before one of them finally treated the blisters so that they went away. The first doctor that I saw gave me an antibiotic because he thought I might have a staph infection in the blisters. About two weeks later, I realized that the headaches were gone. The blurry vision didn't leave until I got a new prescription for my glasses. I have astigmatism so when my eyes get tired, things get blurry but not all of the time like they were for two years. I saw three different eye doctors and none of them asked about my last prescription which I did get changed two weeks after getting it filled, with no improvement. 

2015 was a year of more frequent trips to Louisiana because of Daniel's mom's declining health. For two months, we had Daniel's middle brother and his mother both in nursing homes. Daniel's mom got to go home at Thanksgiving. His brother was supposed to but got a bad eye infection the week of Thanksgiving. He went home for a trial week at Christmas. We need to call again to see how the two of them are doing. Daniel's oldest brother has had his hands full with both of them in different nursing homes. Daniel's mom hated the one his brother was in. She wasn't happy with any of the places she stayed because they weren't home. She wanted us down there every week and it just wasn't possible. We live three hours away and Daniel is self-employed so he isn't always able to just pick up and go when the jobs are coming in. Did I mention that 2015 was a long year. When we got home from Christmas, I had a cough that has finally started to get a little better. Today I am nauseous again and have an ear ache so I know that I have fluid behind my ear drums again. Being allergic to so many antibiotics makes it necessary for me to treat as many of my illnesses as I can with other remedies such as garlic, golden seal and herbs for allergies. They work but they take longer than antibiotics. Daniel hates the smell of garlic and I have to be careful that it doesn't send my blood pressure too low. 

I know that 2016 is going to be a great year because I choose to look at my life and the world through an attitude of gratitude this year. I intend to focus more on my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book in 2016. I let too many things slow me down in 2015. My health issues have made me more aware that our time on this Earth plane is limited. The death of my friend Pamela has also given me more awareness in that area. She was from May to December older than me. None of us know how much time we really have. I intend to use my time better this year and get my book written. 2016 is a nine year. Nine is the number of completion. Pamela taught me that. She knew a lot of numerology facts. I tend to forget most of what she taught me in that area. She loved numbers. They are not my thing. They just don't stay in my mind or memory long. What things do you want to complete this year?

I read a lot. I love books and knowledge. The internet just opens up more knowledge for me to find and love. One of the websites that I receive a newsletter from weekly is called mindbodygreen. A recent article that I really liked and am sharing here is "15 Lessons I Learned in 2015".  You will find the article are the following link:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23107/15-life-lessons-i-learned-in-2015.html

Also from mindbodygreen, I read an article called "The Mindset Shift That Can Make Every Moment Miraculous". The link to this article is at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23098/the-mindset-shift-that-can-make-every-moment-miraculous.html

I do believe in miracles. I see them everywhere because I look for them. Gratitude is an important part of my day. Have a glorious 2016.
Patricia

Are You Happy Or Are You Just Settling?

Someone asked me this week if I was happy or if I was just settling for whatever came my way. After thinking for a little bit here is what I told her.

With my Advocacy work, I am doing what I believe in and that makes me happy. I think most of us tend to settle for what life gives us and waste a lot of time wishing for and searching for, but not finding, the "happily ever after ending of fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale.

You make your happiness with your attitude, your mind and your thoughts. Often, instead of looking at what you have and being grateful, you focus on what you don't have. Sometimes, you envy or become jealous of those who have what you want instead of going out and getting it for yourself. 

To make a dream come true takes action on your part, not just sitting around wishing. Be happy while you are searching.  Don't put off being happy for another day. Be happy today by being grateful for what you do have. Make the best out of whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Don't worry about anything. What does worrying accomplish? Nothing, it just brings you down.

Look for the gifts in your day. They are there. Appreciate and value them and yourself. Love yourself. Let go of any self-hate that you may be carrying around. Turn your life in the direction you need to go in. Then take that first step toward the future and your dreams.  (((Hugs)))
Patricia

My Story Of Incest Guest Post on Survivor Advocacy

Hi. I don't have much to say today except to express my gratitude to all of my readers. I also want to share two blog posts. One is my guest post over at Survivor Advocacy. I hope you will go to the following link and read it.  A friend who has already read the post, says the post is my very best writing that she has read so far. I am not a very good judge of my writing. I write from the heart and write with as much honesty as I can with the difficult topic of incest. Here is the link:

My Story Of Incest found at http://www.survivoradvocacy.org/2012/11/my-story-of-incest.html


The second blog post that I want to highlight here today is from my friend Patricia (Tricia) McKnight. Tricia's blog is called survivorsjustice. I absolutely love the blog post that Tricia posted earlier today. The post is called "Hopes, Dreams, Moments of Laughter, Thriving". Tricia gives the best explanation of the differences between being a victim, survivor and thriver that I have ever read. I have tried a few times to explain the differences myself. She does a much better job in today's article. Here is the link:

Hopes, Dreams, Moments of Laughter, Thriving found at http://survivorsjustice.com/2012/11/14/hopes-dreams-moments-of-laughter-thriving/

I have been reading Tricia's blog for awhile now and we are friends on Facebook and Twitter where we are both Advocates for abused children and for other survivors. Who are these survivors? What have they survived?

Many of you who are reading this blog are survivors. You know who you are. You have survived incest, other forms of child abuse, domestic violence as a child and/or as an adult. Some of you are survivors of parents mental illness, of narcissist mothers or fathers, or maybe the family disease of alcoholism and drug abuse. You name it. You have survived it. No one was willing to be an advocate for me when I was a child even though a few people suspected that something was wrong. Nobody asked. I want that to change. If you suspect child abuse in any form, ask questions. If you are wrong, you can apologize. If you are right, you have changed the life of a child who needs you.
Patricia

Blogs That I Have Read This Week - Link Love

Hi everyone. January 2012 is almost over in just a few days. Where has this month gone?

Today as you read this post, I am in Texas visiting with my sister and her family. Since Daniel and I were in Idaho spending Christmas with our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren, we haven't visited either of our families for Christmas yet. 

While I am enjoying our cookout (no turkey and dressing), I thought I would let you check out some of the blogs that I have read this week. This is just a sampling of what I read.  I read a lot of blogs every week on a lot of different topics that interest me. They are not all on incest or child abuse. I warn you that the ones that are on incest or child abuse may be triggering for some.

1.  The Doing Project: A Review @
http://www.craigharper.com.au/productivity/the-doing-project-a-review/
I participated in The Doing Project with Craig Harper and a lot of other people for 7 days. The challenges were just what I needed to start off 2012 to make it the great year it is going to be for me.

2. The Daily Awe: 50 Things I'm Grateful For - turning the blues into gratitude @  http://www.thedailyawe.com/2012/01/50-things-im-grateful-for-turning-the-blues-into-gratitude/

3.  Singing over the bones & rising from the ashes: Today's the day.... @
http://singingoverthebonesandrisingfromtheashes.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/todays-the-day/

4.  A Rape Survivor's Journey: My Story of Domestic Violence @
http://arapesurvivorsjourney.blogspot.com/

5.  Daily Om:  The Wisdom of Surrender @
http://dailyom.com/articles/2012/31868.html

6.  healthpsychologyconsultancy: What Constitutes Child Sexual Abuse? @
http://healthpsychologyconsultancy.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/what-constitutes-child-sexual-abuse/

7.  Knowledge Is Power - KIP Central: 9 Lessons on Loss, Forgiveness, and Healing / Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In @
http://kipcentral.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/9-lessons-on-loss-forgiveness-and-healing-tiny-buddha-wisdom-quotes-letting-go-letting-happiness-in/

8.  The Wounded Warrior:  Empty @
http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2012/01/empty.html

9.  smart boy designs: Kim Peek's Guide for Creating Endless Blog Content @
http://smartboydesigns.com/2012/01/26/kim-peeks-guide-creating-endless-blog-content/

10.  More than a Survivor: Too Young to Know Part III @
http://transformingjourney-celesteka.blogspot.com/2012/01/too-young-to-know-part-iii.html

Some of these bloggers are seasoned and some are relatively new to blogging. Please leave a comment on each of the blogs and let the bloggers know what you think. Have a glorious weekend. I am.
Patricia

An Attitude Of Gratitude Changes The Way You Feel

This week a friend of mine asked me to be her Gratitude Buddy for the week.  That means that each day we send each other through an email, a list of three things that we are grateful for each day.  I immediately accepted her request to be her Gratitude Buddy. I challenge each of you who reads this to find your own Gratitude Buddy for the week.  You might want to even extend the time for a month or more if you think that you feel better by starting your day with thinking about what you are grateful for.

Here are some of the things that I expressed gratitude for over the past few days:

1. I am grateful for my friendships. They enrich my life.
2. I am grateful to be at a place in my life where I can look at my expectations and let go of them when other people are involved.
3. I am grateful for the best friend that I have in my husband.
4. Today I am grateful for the warmth of the beautiful sunshine outside my window as I sit and type on my computer. The sunshine always cheers me, especially in the cold Winter months.
5. I am grateful for the people in my life who teach me lessons about myself.
6. I am grateful to my guardian angels who protect me and to my guides who do their work even when I get so busy that I forget to ask for their guidance. I ask for a most benevolent outcome for this day.

Feel free to share a few things that you are grateful for here in the comment section of my blog and then go find yourself a Gratitude Buddy to share with.
Merry Christmas to all of my Christian friends here on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.
Patricia

Life Is For Living, Loving, Seeking New Adventures, Not For Doing Housework

Thanksgiving has come and gone. November ended yesterday. November was a month of little writing on my part as my regular readers know.  November is usually my busiest month of the year.  My in-laws, who bless my life with their love and presence, come to our house for Thanksgiving. That means lots of cleaning on my part to get ready for 9-12 people to occupy my house for an extended weekend.  The first company usually comes on Wednesday before Thanksgiving Thursday.  The rest arrive early Thanksgiving morning and they are usually all gone by sometime Saturday or Sunday.  I enjoy the noise and activity in our house when everyone arrives.  I also enjoy the peace and quiet when just Daniel and I are left. This was our first Thanksgiving dinner with our daughter-in-law and son with us.  Last year would have been our first but I had to cancel Thanksgiving at my house because I had pneumonia this time last year.  Our daughter-in-law graciously provided Thanksgiving dinner for my husband last year from the huge meal provided at their deer camp.  I was too sick to cook or want to eat much. Our son and daughter-in-law both like to deer hunt.  They aren't able to this year because a few weeks ago, our son was showing off and fell off of a horse and dislocated his elbow so he is just now able to start using his arm again after many doctor visits and physical therapy.  He just went back to work this week after about a month off. Just because our children grow up doesn't mean that we get to stop worrying about them.

With all of my cleaning activities, I haven't been here much or had the time to keep up with my usual blogs that I read.  I am terribly behind with Facebook and my Twitter accounts.  I even got an email from Facebook this week telling me that I had 90 notifications or comments on there.  That has never happened before. I didn't know that Facebook did that. Apparently they do notice when we aren't active on there.

Those that know me well know that I am not a good housekeeper.  I am not lazy.  There are just so many other things that I would rather be doing than cleaning house.  That is why my November cleaning spree is such a big deal. I know that part of it comes from my childhood of being the child responsible for most of the cleaning that happened in our home. My dad could come in and always find something that wasn't done right (to his way of thinking).  He never complimented. He always tore down with his angry words and sarcasm.

I am a little bit of a pack rat.  Just ask anybody who comes into my home. I have stacks of papers all over the place in the office around my computer and in my bedroom around the book shelves, which I need more of.  I collect papers because some part of me loves knowledge and after 4 or 5 computers crashing over the years and losing everything, I make copies of everything that I want to remember or that I think I might need. 

I also collect books.  Right now I have more books that I have book shelf space for.  I love books and reading.  Books saved my sanity as a child.  As an adult, books have given me my path to healing from incest. Very little of my healing has come about from counseling.  Most of my healing has happened through talking in support groups and to close friends and writing in various notebooks and journals. All of my genealogy research takes up one entire 5 shelf bookcase with books and notebooks of information collected over the past 10 years.

I am a Saggittarian with a birthday coming up within the next few weeks.  That means I am adventurous and can flit from topic to topic in a day, or in a conversation.  A lot of things hold my attention for a short time before I move on to something else. I love people and I love knowledge which may or may not lead me to wisdom.  I love quilting and making my own jewelry.  Housework is not one of those things that holds my focus for very long.  I would rather be on the computer talking to you guys or listening & watching a utube video or a Blog Talk Radio broadcast from one of my many friends online who produce them, for my listening pleasure. I am never bored.  There is too much that I want to see and do.  At almost 60 years old, I don't seem to be slowing down much. 

I need a maid, but then I would have to clean before the maid came so she wouldn't think that I was utterly hopeless at housework.  I can hear my dad's voice shouting and telling me how lazy and how slow I am.  "Grandma was slow but she was old." was one of his favorite sayings that I hated.

I hope that all of my American friends had a glorious Thanksgiving. I hope that the gratitude that you felt at Thanksgiving will continue to color your life as you leave the year 2011 behind in about a month and we all move into 2012.  2012 will be a year of new beginnings for all of us just like every year that came before it.
Patricia

Happy New Year 2011

May the New Year bring you lots of love, new friends, laughter and great health.  May you easily see all the lessons that friends and Life bring to you in 2011.  May 2011 be as prosperous as you want it/allow it to be.  (You do have a choice in the matter.  None of us, as adults, are helpless victims of Life.)  May the love of family and friends warm your heart and soul every day of 2011.  May 2011 be the best year that you have ever had for growth and discovery of the real you.  Know that this particular request can open you up to facing pain as well as joy in your life.  Both are sometimes necessary for for real growth to happen.  Remember the saying, "Be careful what you wish for.  You may get it."  Just not in the way that you envisioned.  We forget that God sees the whole big picture.  We don't. We also don't always know what is good for us.  God does.

In 2011, become more aware of how you are influenced by those around you and how you in turn influence them and others that you come in contact with daily.  As a valid example of this, I want to share a comment with you that I left at the following post on the blog Confessions of a Mystic.  Here is the link to that blog post:
http://teresasilverthorn.wordpress.com/2010/12/30/one-of-you/ .

"As a child, I learned to be whatever those around me wanted me to be, to be accepted and loved.  As an adult and survivor of childhood incest, I learned to be me.  If you didn't like me as an authentic person, you didn't need to be in my life.

Today, over 20 years after starting my walk down this particular path of recovery, I am still discovering parts of me that I disconnected from and left behind in order to survive growing up in my family.  I like the me I am today.  I like the me that I am still becoming.  More important, I have learned to love the real me more than I care for what you like about me."

Today, I am full of love and gratitude for all that 2010 has shown me and for all that has happened in my life because of beginning this blog in 2007.  I couldn't have imagined the growth or the friends that that one action brought into my world.  I am grateful for each one of you that reads and comments here on my blog.  Each of you brings new Light into my world.  For that I thank you all.  Sending lots of love and (((Hugs))) your way for now and for the glorious beginning of the New Year 2011.
Patricia

Repeating The Effects Of Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Home

Becoming Your Own Parent, The Solution for Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families , written by Dennis Wholey, Bantam Books, New York, New York, January 1990.
This book was first published by Doubleday in October 1988. 

This is one of the many books that I read back in the early 1990's that helped me to grow so much in my beginning years of recovery.  I gave my original copy of this book away years ago to someone else that I thought would find the information useful.  Sometime in the past year, I found my current copy in a used book store.  I haven't checked with Amazon to see if you can still get the book or if it is out of print.

You will find me quoting from this book for awhile longer yet as I continue to read through it.  Here is some more information that I found in the book that I thought you might find as valuable as I did back in the 1990's and still find very useful today.

page 182-183: 
"People coming out of a dysfunctional home always feel unlovable.  They feel they have been loved for the role they play, not for who they are.  You are only capable of re-creating with another human being the nature of the relationship you have with yourself.  If you punish yourself, you will punish your love partner.  If you hate yourself, you will end up hating your love partner.  If you are afraid of yourself, you will be afraid of your love partner.  A person is incapable of establishing a level of intimacy with another human being that is greater than the level of intimacy he or she has with himself or herself.  You can't go out and find intimacy.  What you can do is adopt a policy of attraction, and who you are limits who's going to be attracted to you.  A woman who needs to be victimized will attract a brutalizing man.  Healthy people attract healthy partners."

My very first date was when I was 19, two years after I had stood up to my dad and said no more sexual abuse is going to happen.  I was still living at home and going to a small junior college near by.  I had a crush on the guy for a year before he finally asked me out.  Even though I was no longer being sexually abused, I was still in victim mode.  I had three dates with this young man.  The first one was the only one that I asked permission from my parents.  The next one I went to spend the night at a girl friend's house and went on the second date from there.  Even though I was 19 and legally an adult, my dad was still telling me what I could do and what I couldn't.  I let him because I wasn't strong enough to do otherwise.  I was 19 but still very immature from never being given choices as a child.  I was also emotionally stuck at 11 years old or younger because of the incest.  I knew none of this when I was 19.

I thank God today that this young man did not ask me to marry him.  If he had, I would have said yes because I thought I loved him.  His version of love was the same as my dad's.  I was someone that he could control.  I would do whatever he said.  When we had sex, I let it happen rather than saying no.  To me, sex was love since that is what my dad had told me for all of my childhood years.  I believed him.  I thought if I said no that he wouldn't "love" me. 

Today I know that sex isn't love.  It can be a part of love but just the act is not love especially if it is abusive too.  Sex with this young man was abusive.  I didn't complain or say no because I didn't know how to be anything else but a victim at that time in my life.  On that first date, we went to his younger sister's where he borrowed some of her clothes for me to wear on our date.  According to him, I wasn't dressed good enough for our date.  I said nothing and went along with it even though my feelings were hurt.  I was proud of the pants suit that I had put together from the few clothes that I had.  Pants suits had become popular for girls to wear in the late 1960's.  This was his first controlling behavior toward me.

Why didn't I ask my parents before going out on the second date?  Because I knew instinctively that my dad hated this young man that had the courage to come and ask for that first date.  I didn't realize at the time that the two were probably jealous of each other.  Both sensed the predator in the other.  Both sensed the controller in each of other.  They were very much alike. They both wanted to control me, not love me.  I just didn't know it at the time.  If we had married, I would have gone from one dictator to another.  With this new dictator, there would have also been physical abuse, not just sexual abuse.  At one point during that first date, the young man made the statement that he really ought to just take me away from my dad.  He said it joyfully and spitefully.  I sensed that something was wrong but didn't know what.  Some part of me was afraid of this young man, but then again, that was familiar to me.  I was afraid of my dad.

The last date we had, I was away at college.  I was still 19 or maybe had just turned 20.  We went to a drive-in movie, my first since I was about 5 years old.  We spent most of the time wrestling in the front seat of his car because I said no to sex.  By then, I had grown a little and was no longer content to be abused or to call sex love any longer.  I had been away from home for a few months.  I had gone through a summer away from home and the influence of my parents.  I loved the freedom to explore what I wanted for myself.  I knew I didn't want to be abused any longer.  I was a long way from knowing who I was but I was able to set a few small boundaries for myself - not being abused or sexual with this person was one of those first boundaries.  He didn't ask me out for another date after that night.  Thank you God.

I would have followed a path similar to the path my sister chose if I had continued to date this young man and married him.  I would have been a battered woman because at that point in my life I didn't know that I deserved better.  Only through the Grace of God did I not go down that path in life.

I was a long way from leaving the victim role behind but still beginning to feel better about myself.  I was at the point where I thought if I wasn't living at home that I could ignore the incest and that meant I wasn't still being affected by it.  I could pretend that was true.  I wanted so badly to be happy and to be free from my past that I pretended that it just didn't happen. It seemed to work for awhile.  Reality is pretending never worked but I continued to lie to myself anyway.  Another familiar pattern, everyone else lied to me so why shouldn't I lie to myself.  I just wanted to be happy and to fit in.

The next date that I attracted into my life was an alcoholic like my dad.  We only dated a few times.  I didn't know at the time that he was an alcoholic.  He dated me for a short time after he and his high school sweetheart broke up.  They went back together sometime after our few dates and eventually married.  Today he is divorced.  Does he still drink?  I have no idea.  Again, I thank God that our paths divided and he went one way and I went another.  Why was I attracted to him?  Probably because he was an alcoholic and that was familiar to me.  It wasn't what I wanted in my life but it was familiar.  I didn't see the signs.  I didn't know about all of the drinking he was doing at the time.  We don't see what we don't want to see.  Because it is familiar, we are attracted to it.  That is why many Adult Children grow up to become alcoholics themselves or they marry them.

By the time that I met my husband, I knew that I didn't want to marry an alcoholic.  Instead I married another Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  Neither of us drinks.  I don't drink because I saw the consequences of living with my dad and my grandfather and their drinking when I was a child.  Drinking scares me.  The thought of losing control like my dad and grandfather did scares me.  My husband doesn't drink because he can't.  It puts him to sleep.  He must be one of those Adult Children that is allergic to alcohol.  For whatever reason, I am grateful.

Well, when I sat down to write this post, I thought I would just give you the quote and leave it at that.  I am glad that the thoughts started pouring into my mind.  I think that the words are much better when you can back them up with personal experiences.  It also helps me to make the connections for myself as I write to you.  I think we all learn much more from the experiences shared.  Hope you are all having a glorious weekend.
Patricia

Family Reunions, Car Repairs, Truck Stops And Making The Best Out Of A Stressful Situation

Yesterday we were supposed to be going to a Caldwell (my dad's side of the family) Family Reunion and then going on to spend the night at my mother-in-law's house and then on Sunday visiting with the Singleton family (my husband's side of the family).

We left home around 8:00 a.m. going to Mooringsport, LA.  Mooringsport is north of Shreveport, Louisiana.  I have an aunt and uncle who usually host the Caldwell Family Reunion every year that live near Mooringsport.  We haven't been in two years.  Daniel had to work on a parking lot last year so we didn't get to go.  The reunion is usually in April every year.  It was postponed until July this year because of illnesses in the family.  I have an aunt that lives in Missouri and an uncle who lives in North Carolina that were coming to the reunion this year.  They aren't able to make the reunion every year.  The reunion was almost canceled for July because an aunt from Texas died the week before the reunion.  Most of her brothers and sisters went to Dallas, Texas for the funeral.  I wasn't able to go for the funeral because my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren were driving to my house from Idaho and they were due in that weekend.


At Prescott, Arkansas we ran into a huge rain storm.  It was raining so hard that everybody reduced their driving speed and some put on their emergency blinkers just to be seen by other cars.  It was still raining this hard when we suddenly noticed the van was overheating.  We pulled off of the side of the interstate to let it cool down.  At this point we thought it was probably a water leak in the radiator or a pump that had gone out.  It was still raining too hard to get out and check the engine.  We let it cool down and tried driving a little further.  We got a few miles down the road and had to pull over again.  By this time our son and daugher-in-law who were driving behind us in their car caught up with us.  Twice more we let the engine cool down and drove a mile closer to the next exit off the interstate.  By this time, my husband was having trouble turning the steering wheel.  My daughter then knew it wasn't the radiator which we had added water to even through it was still raining and we didn't bring any umbrellas with us in the van.  My son and daughter-in-law drove on to the next exit which was only a mile away by this time and found a gas station/truck stop just off of the exit road.  We drove there after letting the engine cool down two more times.

A trucker who was resting at the truck stop offered to fix the van for us if we could drive into Texarkana and buy a new fan belt.  We were blessed that my son and daughter-in-law were with us and able to drive their car into Texarkana which was only about a mile away.  We were at the Mandeville, Arkansas exit on I-30 (I looked it up on a map because I had thought that Mandeville was in Texas but it isn't.).  Texarkana is a twin city with part of it in Arkansas and the other, bigger part in Texas.  They bought the new fan belt.  The trucker worked for about two hours trying to get the fan belt on before he gave up and sent us up the street to a tire store who might have the right tools to put it on.  My daughter and I stayed at the truck stop with my four grandchildren ages 4-10.  We had bathrooms, food, drinks, a table to sit at to watch all of the traffic in and out of the truck stop and a small game room that kept the kids occupied even though they didn't have money to actually play the games.  We also had air conditioned comfort so no one got cranky because of the heat.  I had bought along notebooks and crayons on the trip to help keep the kids occupied too.  We got to the truck stop about 10:00 a.m.

Three different people worked on the van trying to put the fan belt on during the day.  At 2:30 p.m. we bought sandwiches and drinks for lunch for all of us.  Finally we decided that it was time to decide how we were getting home if we couldn't find someone to fix the van.  Daniel, my husband sent our daughter and the three youngest kids in the car with my son and daughter-in-law driving toward home.  About 20 minutes after they left, Daniel got the van fixed and he, our oldest granddaughter, and I were on our way home too.  We called and told the others that we were now following them home.  It was ten minutes till 4:00 p.m. when he finally got the fan belt put on.  We got home around 6:00 p.m.

My daughter posted on her Facebook page that it was a terrible day struck on the road and in the truck stop.  She was worried about how the kids were act and whether we could get her van fixed.  I thought we had a really good day.  Thanks to the games and the crayons and notebooks that I brought, the kids were interested and occupied with only a few minor problems.  Nobody threw any temper tantrums or got hurt.  We weren't struck on the side of the road helpless all day in a monster of a rain storm.  We had food, water, bathrooms and most important on a July day in Arkansas - air conditioning.  I was surrounded by my family and had close-up time with all of them. 

I was sad to miss the Caldwell Reunion.  My brother had to cancel out because he had to work.  My sister was there after driving from Mt. Pleasant, Texas.  I missed visiting with my aunt from Missouri and my uncle from North Carolina and all of the other aunts and uncles from Louisiana and Texas who always come to the reunion.  Usually we have the only remaining great-aunt and great-uncle from my Grandmother Caldwell's side of the family also come to the reunion.  I don't know if either of them made it this year.  They are both in their 80's or 90's.  I missed seeing the family of my aunt who died last week.  They live in the Dallas, Texas area.  The aunt from Missouri has been diagnosed with terminal cancer so this was possibly her last reunion.  A younger cousin who was there has also been diagnosed with cancer so I don't know if I will get to see him again.  I am 58 years old.  All of my aunts and uncles are older than I am.  I was born three days before my dad's youngest sister's birthday.  Dad was the third oldest of 13 kids.  This reunion had all of them there except for the four, counting my Dad, who have already died.  This would probably have been the last time for us to see some of them.  We are at that stage when this generation is beginning to die off.

We were also going to spend the night with my mother-in-law and visit with Daniel's Singleton family today.  Daniel's mother just got out of the hospital on Friday.  She went in the preceding Sunday with extremely high blood pressure.  She was in ICU for most of the week.  She was allergic to most of the blood pressure medicines that they used to try to get her blood pressure down.  Finally Thursday it went down a little.  She hasn't seen our daughter and grandchildren in about 2 years.  They will now come to visit us when she feels better or we may try to go down there next weekend if Daniel isn't working.  We are very glad that she is home and feeling better.  Daniel's mother is 87 years old and in good health except for her blood pressure.

I enjoyed the day spending time with my daughter and grandchildren, son and his wife and of course, with my husband.  A few years ago, I would have been scared and worried about how we were going to get home and if we were going to get the van fixed.  I would have been really angry and disappointed at missing the reunion and visiting with my husband's family.  Yesterday I was able to keep my cool and just take everything as it came.  We did get the van fixed and made it back home okay.  I thank God for all of the things that went right yesterday.  I thank God for each of the person's who tried to fix the van.  I thank God for the truck stop's location and all that it had to offer in the way of comfort and entertainment for the kids.  I thank God that we had the extra money for the repairs.  Thank you God, I had a really good day with the good company of my family around me.  Yesterday was a blessing, not a disaster.
Patricia

Thanks Giving

Whether or not, you live in the U. S. which is celebrating its national holiday of Thanksgiving today, the Fall which is harvest time is a great time of the year to think about what you are grateful for in your life.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two times of the year that I usually spend more time with family. Thanksgiving I spend with my inherited family---my inlaws. I love everyone of them and appreciate that they accepted me into their lives 37 years ago when I married into their family. I especially love and like my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law who I have so much in common with. They bless my life with their love and friendship.

This week I am giving thanks for the many friendships that have blessed my life. Some of those friendships are very old and some are very new. Some are online. The computer has opened up my world to an incredible degree. I have many things to be grateful for in my life. Remembering those people and situations makes my life more joyful. How you choose to live your life really begins with your attitude.

No matter where you live, make sure that you go through today with an attitude of gratitude. Have a glorious day of Thanks Giving. You life will be better for it. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Patricia

Happy Birthday Daniel

My biggest supporter in this journey through life had a birthday yesterday on August 4. He turned 60. He can't believe it and neither can I. Both of us wonder where the time went. The person I am talking about is my dear, sweet, very patient husband Daniel.

The "Just for You!" card from American Greetings that I gave Daniel this year said things like,
"I love you because. . .
You believe in me
You're so lovable
You're a romantic at heart
You listen
You make me laugh
You're fun and surprising
You're honest with me"

The card also says,
"You're incredibly sexy
You're hugs are the best
You're the world's greatest kisser"

Those last three made me giggle when I read them. This was such a great card because it says everything that I feel about my husband. Don't you just love greeting cards.

All of those words from the greeting card are so true. Daniel is my husband, my lover and my very best friend in the whole world. He has supported me through all of my many struggles with incest, codependency and the alcoholism issues from my childhood. He has supported me as I struggled to figure out who I am, what I want from Life, what I need from myself and from him in this relationship called marriage, and as I struggled with being a mother while I was learning to mother myself. The years haven't always been good. I haven't always been kind. Some years I was very angry. Often I felt almost lost in the sadness of loss that the inner child felt.

One of the best qualities that Daniel possesses is his wonderful, querky sense of humor that can always cheer me up and remind me that there is joy to be found in Life. Daniel has allowed me the space to grow and to be whatever I have needed to be in order to find out what being me really means. Daniel you hold my heart in your very strong, capable hands and you always will.

Darling, I really do love you with all of my heart.
Happy Birthday Daniel
Your loving wife,
Patricia

Kindness---Why Is It Easier To Be Kind To Strangers?

I have been thinking about kindness this week. I realized that I need to work on being kinder to those closest to me---my husband, my kids, my brother, my sister, my friends. I spent a year practicing being kinder and softer in my outlook on life a few years ago and became a better person for it. It is time to do that again in 2009.

My dictionary says, "kindness n. 1 The quality of being kind; good will. 2 A kind act; a favor. 3 A kindly feeling."

"kind adj. 1 Friendly and helpful: a kind act. 2 Gentle: kind to children. 3 Characterized by friendliness and gentleness: a kind remark. ---Syn. 1. charitable, generous, good, good-hearted. 2 humane, kindly."

Why is it easier to be kind to a stranger than it is to those you love? I think it is because you have more of yourself invested in those you love. A stranger enters your life for just a few minutes and then is gone. You don't always see the change that your act of kindness brought about in the other person. You just know that you felt good for giving that other person a smile, or for taking the time to open a door and letting the other person enter first, or for letting another person go before you in the line at the pharmacy or for giving money to your favorite charity. All of those are acts of kindness that you perform for the benefit of strangers.

Because you have invested your time, your money, your love into those closest to you, you are more afraid of being rejected or disappointed or maybe even ignored and taken for granted if you do those same small things for the people closest to you. Instead of being fearful, remember the advantages of being kind to those closest to you.

When you are kind to others, they are usually kind to you as well. When you are kind to others, you get to see their pleasure caused by your act of kindness. I am not saying be kind to others because of what you will get back. The getting back is just a nice side effect of your actions. Even if the other person doesn't response to your kindness, you still know that you did something good for someone else. I know that these apply to strangers as well as those you are closest to.

In my own way, I am saying that the added benefit to being kind to those closest to you is that you get to see the happiness that you have contributed to in another person that you care about and love. That always makes me happier.

Being kind to others is a great way to express your gratitude for that person being in your life. Expressing your gratitude to that person is in itself an act of kindness. Anything that you do that helps another person feel better about themselves can be an act of kindness.

My act of kindness for you, my reader, is to finish this article before you catch on that I am beginning to ramble. Have a glorious day. It is cold here but the sun is shining brightly so I am having a glorious day of sunshine.
Patricia

Gratitude---No New Year's Resolutions For Me

My friend Slade Roberson wrote an article on his blog Shift Your Spirits called "Stuck on Outcomes." Slade tells us about how his ego took over his life for a short time recently with a list of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" items and how it affected him.

To use some of Slade's own words, "The Naggot (which is the personification of my ego) got a hold of the microphone some time in the wee hours of the day after Christmas and I woke up already listening to some Shoulda Coulda Woulda Telethon, broadcast live on the Ungrateful Channel, right from my own Special Place In Hell."

Don't you just love Slade's wonderful sense of humor. I know it is part of the reason that I continue to be drawn to him and his blog Shift Your Spirits.

When in his article Slade started talking about how he doesn't do New Year's Resolutions, he really caught my attention. I used to make half-hearted attempts at writing resolutions each year just to beat myself up because I could never follow through and stay focused long enough to do them. I always wondered why I couldn't stick with them. Read Slade's article to see why he says he is a Scanner. I am not sure that I understand the concept fully. Maybe Slade can explain the concept here in a comment?

One thing Slade asked his readers to do was a 2008 Gratitude List. Here is my version of that list. I hope you will take the time to write your own.

2008 Gratitude List:
1. I am grateful for my on-line friends such as Slade Roberson, Corinne Edwards, Stephen Hopson, and so many more who have lead the way for me this year with their shared words of wisdom and their sense of humor.

2. I am grateful for my family and friends who I love very much. Our family and friends are often our greatest teachers because they know us so well and therefore they know which buttons to push to bring up whatever issues we may need to work on.

3. I am grateful for the guidance of my Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels and Ascended Masters. In 2009, I choose to become a better listener.

4. I am grateful for the bad stuff that happens in my life. Why? Because they bring the gift of knowledge and growth to my life. Everything has a purpose for happening and being.

5. I am grateful for my sense of humor which can lighten any heavy load. Laughing at myself is sometimes the best medicine that I can give to myself. No one puts me on a higher pedestal than I sometimes put myself.

6. I am grateful for the people that I meet who are wonderful examples of "what I want to be when I grow up." I may grow up but I don't ever want to grow old and set in my ways.

7. I am grateful for all of those people who have taught me about courage and love. Most of these people I have never met in person. Do you ever wonder how many people are affected by your actions and attitudes? I do.

8. I am grateful to God for all of the talents that I have been gifted with in this lifetime. In 2009, I want to find new ways to use those talents to help others.

9. I am grateful for every minute of Life that I have experienced---past, present and future. Without my past, I would not be who I am today. Without the present, I wouldn't know the joy of being. With the future comes new challenges and new lessons and new joys and excitement.

10. I am grateful for the year 2008 with all of its many lessons and challenges because I have grown through it all. Some of 2008, I would not want to repeat so I hope that I learned all of those lessons.

11. I am grateful to those people who bring love and joy into my life. I have been truly blessed by the people who have shared my life whether the time shared was just a few minutes or years.

12. I am grateful to be who I am and look forward to who I am becoming. I have grown to love who I am. I am excited about who I will become.

Well, Slade those are my 12 for 2008. The year is only a few days away from being over. It has been a glorious year and a challenging year for me in so many ways. I know that 2009 is going to be as good or better. Happy New Year to all.
Patricia

Here are links to some of the articles that have enriched my life today:
"Stuck on Outcomes" written by Slade Roberson found at http://sladeroberson.com/manifesting/stuck-on-outcomes.html/

"HOT FLASHES - and other tragedies of life" written by Corinne Edwards found at http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/hot-flashes-and-other-tragedies-of-life/

"Detox Your Home And Feel Brand New:" written by Carole Fogarty found at http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2008/12/29/detox-your-home-and-feel-brand-new/

"Stepping into Spiritual Authenticity" by Andrea Hess found at http://www.empoweredsoul.com/blog/2008/12/26/stepping-into-spiritual-authenticity/

"Stephen Hopson Interview with Lance of Jungle of Life, Part I or II" written by Stephen Hopson found at http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2008/12/24/stephen-hopson-interview-with-lance-of-jungle-of-life-part-i-of-ii/

Thanks Giving

As I was thinking about Thanksgiving coming up this week in the United States, I decided to write an article about Thanks Giving which should be about more than just one day out of the year. I haven't written an article about Giving Thanks in awhile. One of my online friends, Stephen Hopson does one every week writing a Gratitude article about the things he is grateful for during his week. Stephen's articles always remind me of what I have to be thankful for in my life. Check out Stephen's blog found at http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/ .

Well, that first paragraph for the article was written a day or so before Thanksgiving. I intended to finish writing the article a day or two after my Thanksgiving guests went home. Instead, my husband and I came down with a nasty stomach virus. Daniel was over his in two days. I took a little longer---4 days. Now I am well and able to write again so it is time to finish this article.

I am glad that we have a holiday in the U. S. called Thanksgiving. It kind of says, "Hey everyone, stop what you are doing today and look at what you are thankful for in your life." We should all do that on a daily basis, not just once a year. Thanks Giving is something that would enrich all of our lives and put us more in touch with our inner core of Love. Gratitude is one of the most encouraging, uplifting emotions that we can choose to feel. Acting out of gratitude---giving back---is one of the best actions that we can take to bring joy to our lives and the lives of others. Why do we need a holiday to remind us of that?

What are you Giving Thanks for today? Feel free to add your list to mine in the comment section of this article.

Here is my list:
I am grateful for the comments that my readers leave on this blog that tell me how much they care and what my words mean to them.

I am grateful for my wonderful husband, son and daughter, son-in-law and each of my four grandchildren who I love dearly and who each returns my love. Children show you how to open your heart to unconditional love.

I am grateful for my wonderful friends who enrich my life with their love and friendship.

I am grateful to my online friends who encourage me in my writing attempts and help me move forward when I sometimes feel stuck in the trama of the past.

I am grateful for my home, my sanctuary, that my husband and I have created over the past 36 years together. Home is where my heart is. My husband keeps that safe for me. I love you, Daniel.

I am grateful for this spiritual journey that has taken me to places I could never have imaged going to. What a world of adventure and excitement my life has become.

I am grateful to my God and my angels and guides for being with me through this lifetime and all of the lifetimes before.

I am grateful that sometimes I can catch glimpses of the bigger picture of Life so that my small corner makes more sense to me.

I am grateful for all of the talents that I have been blessed to have. How they enrich my life!

I am grateful for Love, Courage, Joy, Hate, Fear, Sadness. They all bring lessons that enrich my life.

Let me hear your ideas of what you are grateful for everyday of your lives.
Patricia

Independence, Not Just For A Day

On July 4, in the United States, we celebrated our Independence Day from England way back in 1776. To Americans that seems like a long time---232 years of freedom. Out in the rest of the nations of the world, we are still babies. You go to other parts of the world and see buildings, monuments and temples older than our country is.

I consider myself to be a patriotic American. I love my country and I cherish my freedoms as an American. Still, I am beginning to question some of the decisions that are being made by the leaders of my country. After traveling to other parts of the world, I can understand how some countries think we are arrogant Americans. We tend to take our freedoms for granted. Not everyone in the world has those freedoms that we do. Not every country in the world grants those freedoms to their people.

This isn't meant to be a political statement and I am not asking for support or criticisms for my thoughts about July 4. For that is all they are---some thoughts that went through my head as I sat down to write this article. This isn't even what I planned to write about. All I really want to make you aware of, as Americans, is that we truly are blessed to be Americans and to have the freedom to disagree or agree with our leaders. Not all people have that right as we do. I feel that we truly are blessed to be born American at this time in the history of the world. Don't take your freedoms for granted. Not everyone has them.

Freedom does come with responsibilities. One of the freedoms that I have and take advantage of with my blog is the Freedom of Speech. That Freedom of Speech gives me the right to speak and write about any topic that I choose on my blog. I didn't always feel that I had this right.

In my family, freedom of speech was only granted to one person---my dad. From now on, or at least when I remember to, I am going to call him by his name, Raymond. Paula Kawal says that lessens the power that he has over my ability to recover from the abuse of my childhood. ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/shame-abusers-friend.html ). So you see even some people in the United States don't always have the power of speech, or they don't know that they do. It is not a freedom to be taken for granted. I didn't know until I was 19 and left home that I could speak my mind and that it was ok to have an opinion different than Raymond's. It was many years later at the age of 38 before I really found the Freedom of Speech to take about the incest. When I started to talk about it, then is when I experienced real freedom for the first time. Even then, I was afraid that God or Raymond or someone was going to come and strike me down dead or call me a whore or something just as bad that my mind would conjure up. None of those things happened. I felt my first taste of freedom and it grew from that moment.

With my blog, I have taken it a step further in writing about the incest. As a lady from another country made me aware of recently, I now have a voice that the whole world can hear when I speak about incest. Notice that I am not calling it "my incest." (I may forget and slip there occasionally. This particular awareness is new to me.) It is no longer "my incest." I am in the process of stepping away from the "my" part. I am not in denial. I am not suppressing anything. I am giving myself the freedom to be me without the pain and struggle of my story. My story is not who I am. ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-stories-are-point-of-reference.html )

I just finished reading the Debbie Ford book "The Secret of the Shadow, The Power of Owning Your Whole Story". It is a powerful book that has given me many new awarenesses to work with. You will continue to hear me mention this book in more articles to come as I share the wisdom of Debbie's words and the differences it is making in my thinking.

Can you see that this 4th of July Independence Day has a special significance for me? Personal freedom is a new idea for me because I am connecting with it on new, deeper levels as I work on releasing the past. Living in the past, you don't have freedom. Freedom comes from living in the moment. You aren't there when you are feeling the pain of the past. Having the ability to reach out to others around the world through the internet expands the Freedom of Speech for me. I can use my words to reach out and help others heal from the pain of their stories of incest or other forms of abuse. We all have the freedom to not stay stuck in that pain. Reaching out to others gives us the beginnings of that freedom.

Another freedom that I decided to use the past two weeks was the freedom to say no. I said no to two job opportunities because neither was right for me. One I would have been bored silly within a month of accepting the job and would have come to resent my boss and myself for putting me into that situation. Instead I said, "No thank you. This job isn't for me." The second was much more than a job opportunity, it was a position of leadership as a healer in the healing community. I turned it down because the timing is not right and because I don't want to feel pressured to be something that I am not. I may pursue this avenue in the future but not until I have explored all of my healing abilities, my talents and spiritual gifts to know which direction is the right one for me. I am just beginning to ask my spiritual guides to show me the direction that my healing abilities need to go. I want to learn those healing abilities before I can possibly teach them to others. I know that I could be a leader. I know that through my blog my voice is just beginning to be heard. For now, that is the avenue that I will follow as I continue to explore new avenues to express my Divine nature.

I did not make either of those job decisions from a place of fear. This week, I stepped into my full personal power in being in charge of my life instead of letting others direct my life. That is a glorious feeling. It is also a freedom that I have not always felt that I had. Today I know that I do have that freedom of personal power.

Now to what I intended this article to be about. On Friday, July 4, 2008, just one year one month and three days after writing my first blog article (June 1 was my blog's one year birthday.), the number of views of my blog went over 10,000. On July 4, the total views of my blog was 10,022 of the 117 articles that I have posted on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. On June 1, 2007, my first article was "Three Of My Past Life Experiences" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/three-of-my-past-life-experiences.html . Take the time now to click on the link and go read that article if you haven't already. Most of you haven't. Leave a comment and let me know what you think of that first article. I know it may be a stretch for some of you who may not believe in reencarnation. That is ok. All I ask is that you be open to the possibility. I wasn't always open either. Now I am since I have knowledge of some of mine.

I have between 130-157 subscribers daily now. Thank you to all of my subscribers and to those of you who have taken the time to view my blog over the past year. The average is 138 subscribers daily now. My growth has been a steady upward journey in my personal life as well as my blog. People from the following countries have looked at my blog: the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, India, Israel, France, Germany, Indonesia, Australia, Chile, China, and Sweden. I hope I haven't forgotten anybody. China and Sweden have been the most resent countries to view my blog. I thank you all for honoring me with your continued presence on my blog. I thank you for becoming part of my journey and for allowing me to become a part of your journey toward Oneness and Freedom for all.
Patricia

Blessed By Strong Women---Happy Mother's Day

This is another of those articles that I didn't plan to write. As I was getting ready to go out to my own Mother's Day lunch with my husband and son, the thoughts started coming into my mind. We went to the restaurant and decided to come home and go back out at 2:00 p.m. when most moms have already been fed and are back home. The restaurant that I picked for my special lunch was packed to overflowing with families in the parking lot waiting to go inside. So I came home to sit and write this article while I wait.

I clicked on my emails and saw an article from Slade Roberson and his blog "Shift Your Spirits". I decided to read Slade's article first. His article is called "Channeling the Mother Goddess." You will find it at http://sladeroberson.com/prayer/channeling-the-mother-goddess.html .

In so many of Slade's articles I find out new information about myself. I do have a connection with Mother Mary. She or her emissary have some to me in meditations over the past 10 years. I have felt a connection to her since I played Mother Mary in a play when I was in the First Grade. I am not a Catholic in this lifetime but I have been a nun in many past lifetimes.

My other two favorites for the Mother are Quan Yin and White Buffalo Calf Woman. Quan Yin stands for compassion. White Buffalo Calf Woman stands for healing. Both show us women of strength and character which many of us don't find in our own mothers when we are children needing a strong woman as a role model.

Many of us are blessed to have a strong woman as our mother; others are blessed with a mother who is seemingly self-centered and weak. Which ever mother you were blessed with, what did you do with what you saw and learned? I grew up knowing I did not want to me like my mother. For awhile, I became like my father, overbearing and strong-willed. That wasn't what I wanted to be either. Balance was what I needed and had never seen. It was what I had to find within myself. I had to learn that I could become a strong woman without being bossy and overbearing. I could speak up for what I believed without ramming it down your throat. I could stand up for myself without being aggressive and abusive. I could state my opinion without being wishy-washy and without being afraid of your rejection.

As I learned how I wanted to mother my own children, I also had to learn to parent myself. My mother was withdrawn and unavailable. I had to learn not to smother my children with my fears and opinions. In learning to do this with my children, I learned to let go of my fears, most of which were overblown and out of proportion to reality. Before I could learn to do things my way, I had to ask, "What is my way? Who am I? What do I want from my life? What do I expect from myself?" How could I teach my children until I learned about myself?

I wasn't as good of a mother as I wanted to be either. I had to learn so much as I went along. I didn't learn how to be a mother from my mother. I learned what not to be. I believe that I did better than my mother did. She probably believed the same thing about herself. Mother-daughter relationships can be so complicated.

As complicated as they are, that mother-daughter relationship is what forms us into the women and mothers that we become. This morning I had a conversation through the comment section of Karen Hanrahan's blog "Best of Mother Earth." Karen has an article called Moms Know Best that she posted this morning at http://bestwellnessconsultant.com/ . Karen gives a great example of mothering and allowing her children to be themselves which sometimes means allowing them to get hurt. Watching your children hurt themselves is probably the hardest thing that a parent ever does. You can't stop them from riding a bicycle because they might fall down and get hurt. You can stand by with any medical assistance and hugs that are needed. You have to allow your children to make their own set of mistakes and pay whatever consequences there are in life. You aren't doing them any favors by not letting them make their own choices.

I have been blessed with so many role models of great mothers since I became an adult. I want to say thank you to each of you and say, "I love you." to the great women in my life:
1. Althea, who gave me a home when I left home.
2. My grandmother Effie Howe, who took me in when I was 2 years old and had the whooping cough and gave me love and my values.
3. Kathy who was also my best friend and mentor for such a short time before her death.
4. Mary, another friend who loved her children and taught me compassion.
5. Mom, you gave me as much as you knew how. You taught me who I didn't want to be. You chose me before I was born and helped teach me the major lessons of my life.
6. My daughter Christie who honors me by calling me Mom.
Have a glorious Mother's Day to all mothers who read this.
Patricia

Gratitude

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Andrea Hess from Empowered Soul at http://www.empoweredsoul.com/ taught us in her class "7 Keys to Intuitive Development" this week that any time you ask for something from your guides, angels, Higher Self, or God that you should end the request with the words, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." The gratitude opens you up to receive more. I do it because I like the way that my heart feels more expansive when I am in the feeling of being grateful. Being open to more receiving is an added bonus for me. Andrea, thank you for being such a wonderful, wise teacher.

Stephen Hopson at Adversity University at http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2008/04/10/end-of-the-week-gratitude-theme-23/
writes a gratitude article each Friday to express his gratitude about people and events that have inspired him each week. This week he is sharing a preview of his soon-to-be published book. Thank you for being an inspiration in my life and for the inspiration to write my own gratitude article today.

Pat Ruppel of Plain Talk and Ordinary Wisdom at http://plain-talk-ordinary-wisdom.blogspot.com/ has fast become one of my favorite bloggers to read. She recently wrote an article about the power of hugging a tree and feeling its silent courage. As the title of her blog says, she gives you "plain talk" and "ordinary wisdom." Your articles enriched my life. Pat thanks for being so down-to-earth with your brand of wisdom.

Another wonderfully wise and loving blogger that I have met is Corinne Edwards of Personal Growth with Corinne Edwards at http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/ . I personally grow with the reading of each of Corinne's articles. Thank you, Corinne, for sharing yourself through your blog articles.

This wasn't the article that I planned on writing today. That article is still somewhere in the ethers of my mind. This is the article that came out of me when I sat down to write after reading Stephen Hopson's Friday gratitude article. This is the article that came about from the flow of the Universe when I asked for inspiration to write today's article so I chose to go with it instead of the one that I had in mind for today. The other article will come out, or not, when it is supposed to, so I say, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." to the Universe, God, my guides and my angels for giving me the people above who inspired this article. Have a glorious day. I am enjoying the glorious sunshine coming in my office window as I sit here typing. It is warm and bright and glorious after all of the rain that we got here in Arkansas the past two days. Thank God that we didn't get the servere weather that was predicted.
Love to you all,
Patricia

104 Subscribers

Today I am celebrating. Feedburner is showing that I have 104 subscribers + 21 reach. I still haven't figured out what the Reach numbers stand for. These are the figures for Monday, February 4, 2008. The Feedburner figures are always a day behind. I have been watching my subscriber numbers steadily climb closer to 100 for the past 2 weeks. Finally today I made it and then a few more. Hooray!!!! I have a total of 4,321 reader views of the 79 articles that I have written since June 1, 2007. On Monday, Feedburner showed that I had 79 views of those articles. The highest reader views in one day were 108.

I just wanted to say Thank You to all of my readers and to all of the new friends that I have made in the past year because of my blog. I am loving all of the comments that you, my readers, are writing at the end of my posts. Thank You for adding to my message with your comments. You comments add wisdom to my words. Sometimes, it adds a totally different opinion or a different way of looking at things. That is great. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say. That would be boring.

Sometimes, your comments remind me to be humble. Sometimes, your comments bring tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. Sometimes, your comments make me proud of the work that I am doing.

I just wanted to take a few moments to share my joy with you. Thanks for coming into my life.

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest

"Facing the past as it may surface in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it. I can let the healing power of the program (Al-Anon) help me feel my old, buried emotions and then put them where they belong---in the past. Coming to terms with my history and letting go of it does not deny what happened. Instead, it allows me to enjoy today and to move into the future, unencumbered by the weight of ancient emotions." p. 27, Hope for Today, Al-Anon Family Groups, hope for families and friends of alcoholics, 2002.

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) played a major part in my recovery process. Thanks to both of these groups the full flood gates of memories and words opened for me. For the first time in my life, I started talking about the incest. I learned to be honest and vulnerable with myself and others thanks to those two groups.

If I had to pick just one piece of advice to give to other survivors, it would be to find a support group that is open to listening to you talk about your experiences. Talk it all out until it is out in the open and out of your body. We carry so much of the abuse in our thoughts and in our bodies. Sometimes the body even carries memories that we have forgotten or denied.

I talked about the abuse for several years before my feelings returned. In talking, I learned to let myself trust myself and others. Trust is a really big issue with incest survivors.

Some people probably thought that I would never shut up about the abuse. Talking was what I needed to do. Others do not realize the pressure of being silent when you are hurting. I was like a pressure cooker waiting to explode. I believe that pressure cooker feeling is why some of the abused go on to abuse. I don't state that as an excuse. There are way too many of us who don't become abusers. What I have learned is that most of those who become abusers were abused themselves as children.

Most of the people in my groups were patient enough and loving enough to not make judgments and to listen to me as I talked it all out into the Light. Some weren't as patient or even kind. What I discovered was that most of the people that were impatient with me talking about the incest had their own unresolved issues that they were in denial of. When you are in denial, it makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to listen compassionately to others talk about their issues.

For awhile, my words flowed out of me like a run-away flood washing over everything in its path. I had held the words in for so long, they had to reach a crest before they could be controlled. Al-Anon and ACA were safe places for me to do that. Thanks to the safeness of talking with those people, I started to feel again. One particular Al-Anon meeting I remember going to and telling everyone that I didn't want to say anything that night, I just wanted to cry. Because of their generosity of spirit, I cried for the whole hour. I will always be grateful to those two groups for the release of words and feelings that they allowed me to do.

While I was going to meetings, I was also reading and absorbing all of the new ways of looking at my world. I learned new ideas such as detachment, trust and acceptance. I learned about denial and enabling. I learned how to take care of myself and that I had needs. I learned that control is only an illusion. I was so out of control that the more I tried to control my world and everything in it, the more out of control I became. I learned about progress, not perfection. I learned about a God of my understanding that loved me unconditionally and was ok with me being angry at Him.

Some of the Al-Anon slogans that I learned to use that helped me release old patterns of behavior were:
Let go and let God.
Easy does it.
First things first.
Just for today.
One day at a time.
Keep an open mind.
Live and let live.
Listen and learn.
Let it begin with me.
Think.

All of these slogans provided me with necessary tools to make changes in me. I also learned that I couldn't change anybody else. I learned to take responsibility for my own life and most important of all I learned that I had choices.

The night that I really got the message that I could make choices started out with me wanting to go to an Al-Anon meeting and I couldn't find a ride to take me to the meeting. I didn't drive yet. That was still a few years away. I realized that I had the choice to stay home or I could choose to hire a taxi to take me to the meeting. I called and asked what it cost and then gave them my address. I went to the meeting with a smile on my face. I had taken my life into my own hands that night with a really small decision to call a taxi. It was a small event with enormous dividends. For the first time, I really got that I could make choices and not be afraid.

The last three weeks, I have gone to an Al-Anon meeting with a friend of mine. She wanted to go but didn't want to go on her own. I agreed. I told the group on Wednesday night that I was glad that she had asked me to go with her. It feels like I am home. I feel such gratitude for the individuals of Al-Anon that were there for me when I didn't know who I was and didn't know that I was capable of making decisions on my own. I didn't know that I had choices. You can't imagine the freedom that comes with knowing you can make choices unless you have been there. My thanks go out to Al-Anon and ACA for being a major part in my recovery. I can truthfully say that Al-Anon and ACA saved my life, my sanity, and my marriage.

A Day Of Gratitude

I know that rather than being on your computer, you are probably having a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with your family and friends. As I wrote that, a voice popped up and said, "if they are Americans." I still tend to forget how far out there my reach is with this blog thanks to the world-wide web.

Whether you are American or not, you can still decide to have a day of gratitude on whatever day you choose to read this article. Being in gratitude is a great way to go though a day. Experience the joy of a grateful attitude.

Thank you to all who read and/or subscribe to my blog. Thank you for those of you who have reached out to me with the comments that you have left at the end of my articles. Your words are important. Your comments tell me that I am accomplishing my goals of spreading knowledge, of touching others with my words and stories, of opening eyes and ears to be more aware of the abuse that may be happening around you, and of opening hearts to any abuse survivors that you may know or meet. I thank you for letting me know, through your comments, that my choice to share some of my more painful childhood experiences is of benefit to other survivors. For the most part, I do not live in that pain today. I choose to revisit those painful times to benefit others who think they are alone and have no way out of the pain. My goal for this blog is to offer hope and strength to all who read my words. Your pain may be from a different experience than mine. We can learn compassion for ourselves by offering it to others. We are truly one.

Someone told me recently (I have actually been told this several times lately, so I know it is really important.) that when one of us changes, we all change. So, if you want to change the world, do as Gandhi says "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

My blog presents a variety of topics, as my spiritual growth takes me down many roads.


Part of that path has been about incest. I am thankful for the incest and the abusers who have been in my life. They have been some of my greatest teachers. In addressing the incest, I have found out who I am and what I am not. I am not a victim of incest or of anything else. I am a strong, caring, courageous woman. I thank my parents for the parts that they played in my life.


A number of my articles were written in gratitude to The Most Influencial Person (people) in my life. I do believe in saying Thank You when someone has done you a service. I have even been known to sarcastically say Thank You to someone who did me a service that I didn't appreciate. Have you ever done that?


I have also written about other subjects that I believe in, such as the Law of Attraction and the use of affirmations. I know that affirmations work. The use of affirmations helped me to learn to love myself and helped me build my self-esteem from that of a frightened child in a woman's body to the healthy, compassionate woman that I am today. I know my self-worth today. I am grateful to the people and books that introduced me to affirmations, The Secret, and The Law of Attraction.


I am grateful for the opportunities to travel to India three times over the past ten years. I am amazed at the difference in where I am on my spiritual path now compared to that first trip back in 1998. Seeing how different and how alike people are around the world helps me to remember that we are all one.

I am thankful for the success of my blog. A year ago, I would not have imagined having all of the new friends that I now have because of my blog. Your friendship is much appreciated even though we have never met. You have all become a part of my spiritual growth.

Here are some links to some great articles on gratitude written by some of those new friends of mine.

Nneka at Balanced Life Center started a month of weekly Season Of Gratitude posts found at http://www.balancedlifecenter.com/category/gratitude/


Edward Mills at Evolving Times found at http://www.evolvingtimes.com/2007/11/gratitude-jumping-spider.htm


Albert Foong at UrbanMonk.Net found at http://www.urbanmonk.net/56/little-secrets-of-the-power-of-expressing-gratitude-even-for-the-bad/


Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive! found at http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/search/label/gratitude


Stephen Hobson at Adversity University Blog found at http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2007/04/20/gratitude-reminders/
I just discovered Stephen's blog in the past few weeks.