Betrayed

There is a hollow I can feel it inside me. It has seeped deep inside my bones. I am grieving like I never have. There are no tears, you cant find a single trace of grief on me. It is inside of me secured and tight.

The loss that I had not been able to keep my words. It does not hurt that the words I said have lost their essence and no longer valid. It is heavier than that, I was sincere when I had said those words. But I have betrayed myself, gone back on sincerity.

I had cried once when I saw people change in front of me. They did not keep their words. One after another each of them left me like that, repeating the same pattern. The hurt was evident in me for sometime. With time healing does take place. I saw the hurt fade and the memory boxed into the farthest corner of my mind.

But today, I cannot cry. I am not able to. I have changed. How does one forgive themselves for betraying themselves?

I don’t know. The hollow has grown larger and I am loosing touch with the things that mattered once. The gap is so humongous that people are afraid to cross it to reach me.

What about me?

I don’t see where can I land even if I cross the gap. Where is my destination? Where am I suppose to land?

Its all blurry, empty and unending. The tunnels of my thoughts are spiraling out of control like the smoke that wafts away from the cigarette only to be invisible after sometime. You cannot trace the smoke, it has left you to puff more of them and mock you as you blow one after another wisps in hopes to follow it till the end. 

Insomnia

Each pore of cut that was made,

with the blade digging deep.

Each crimson drop that fell.

Like the falling grains of time.

Watching the infinity in front of eyes,

it seem to be never ending.

But it had a point; 

from where he may start a fresh.

Lonesome soul possessor, 

body without a heart inside,

mind that was clogged and plagued.

Touch that was not able to reach any human. 

Ghastly silence that got created, 

everywhere it roamed in infinity.

The cold wind that were blowing through the hole.

Burning the desires high and ferocious.

Meanings of words lost in the air.

Feel vanished in an instant.

Deciphering the codes was impossible.

Eyes that were not shutting at all,

heavy and in need of something.

The poison that ran through the flesh,

bitten he was by insomnia.

फ़ना..

This is a feeling of a lover divided in three portions..interlinked with each other but still not in continuation..Is differently written after every line break..But conveying only one feeling from the bottom of the heart and that is love.

अश्क यूँ फना हुए नज़रों से, 

उन्हें उनमें ख़ुशी दिखी |

हम रोए उनकी याद में ,

उन्हें दिलदारी दिखी| 

हम तो न थे ऐसे हमने कहा, 

वो बोले हमारी नहीं है ये खता | 

बेवफ़ा की तरह वो मुडके चल दिए, 

लव्ज़ जो थे होंठो पर सजाए,

वो वहीँ रह गए|

कहने को हम आप से यूँ कहते-- 

की कितना चाहते हैं हम आपको, 

आपके बिन बोले जान निसार करदे आप पर, 

जब चाहे मांग लो |

आप अगर चले जाओ तो कुदरत को छोड़ , 

आसमान में हम साथ देंगे .. 

भगवान भी न रोक पाएगा, 

ऐसा पैगाम देंगे |

दबे हुए हैं ये अलफ़ाज़ सुन सके तो ऐए दीवाने ..

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आप चाहते हैं किसी ओर को टूट कर, 

खुश देखना चाहते हैं उससे हरपल |

हमे मालुम है, 

वो है आपकी आँखों की चमक, 

दिल में बसी कसक ..दुल्हन के सर पर सजी कुमकुम जैसी..  

हर धड़कन है आपकी बस उसके नाम से| 

हमने समझा आपको ..वो आपको छोड़के चल दिए 

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दिल में कैद कर रखा है ये तूफ़ान जो आपने,

उसमें यूँ न बह जाइए,

उतर जाये अगर ये तूफ़ान तो हम सह लेंगे बिना उफ़ किए |

आप गम्हीन लगते हैं, 

दिल में कैद है आपकी आँखों की वो नमी, 

हम देखते हैं उसे..दुआ करते हैं वो हमे मिल जाए,  

आप कभी न ऐसे सिसके |

मन ही मन में आप बड़ा रोया करते हैं, 

एहसास है हमे की, गम छिपाया करते हैं इन नज़रों तले|

पर आप ये क्यूँ न समझे,

रंग है हज़ार सिर्फ आपसे ..जहाँ का हसीं निहार रहे आपसे..|

क्यूँ न समझे आप हमे दिल तोड़कर चल दिए, 

अश्क बेहते थे जो वो हमारे भी दब्ब गए ||