"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection,and not fountain,to show them that we love them,not when we feel like it,but when they do"

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Showing posts with label Illusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Illusion. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

To the..

To the sweet good morning kisses and fiery nights.

Smelling the red wine in your muffled breathe while i lick your lips in anticipation. The red hot rods glaring at me from behind you as it cools our naked bodies in the winter.

All of a sudden its too hot in winters. When we are embraced in each others arms, my face reaches your armpit to snuggle and smell the sweat. Its sweaty and when i lick it, it tastes of ocean but i still love the way it feels, it arouses me.


Reaching up to your face i feel the prickly two day beard you have scrubbing my face, it burns so i move to capture your sweet and plump lips in mine. The smell of the garlics from the pesto spaghetti we had. Its mild and indulgent, almost makes me want to fill your mouth with some more of spaghetti and be fed from you.


Going to more intimate regions i smell the hunger emanating for her. So i lick and suck the sensitive zones which makes you hiss and moan. Caressing the bearings under them i plan to throw you in frenzy. Want to make you want me more.


When you caress my back with your hand, resting to pick and squeeze a bone you find. Crossing my hands behind my back just to see the protruding bones you picked on a while ago. I hiss and tell you to stop. You shower me with kisses.


"I imagined you in that short dress, how sexy you looked"  you say. I smile like i can see what you imagined. You curl a little more harder around me as if the imagination just turned real.
Your face, the marks and memory etched on them. I touch them and ask you the stories. Listening to them i am transported to that time where i can see as you go on unaware of the future, of the future where you would tell me all about it.


Barging into the room, you are singing same line of the song again and again in a cheerful and ecstatic tone. You have come back early from work you announce. I look at the smile on your face, it seems to be spreading all over you.


"When will you come back?" i ask and that is enough to make you distraught and cold. I want to take my words back because i feel like i committed a crime too grave. But its too late and your tone is condescending and behaviour is stolid while you give an answer appropriate in your mind for a crime like that.


The things are thrown around everywhere in that one room we are present. It's all too messy. I am careless and clumsy. Breaking a glass, the china bowl or that coveted bottle for storing water. I make a mess everywhere i go.


Simmering the milk on low i want to cook that sweet dish with dry fruits and tapioca pearls, after all you haven't eaten all day and kept fast. Just the way you like it, with no sugar and thickened milk.


"There are other things besides food and sleep, why don't you explore it?" you ask. "I do want to do that" i reply back. Not too convinced with my reply you glare at the mundane and monotonous way your life seems. I become a burden to you with my affirmation, making you realise how i am fine with just the way the things are.


I am a liar and a procrastinator. But i am also a lover and child at heart still making  out the head and tail of life. I want fairy lights, dreamcatchers, wind chimes, random and obscured photo of ours hanging from the rope pinned with a clip, bed made of wood crates, three sides of wall painted with white colour and one side painted pitch black, i want to lie on the cold ground with you in summer nights sharing a glass of chilled cocktail and watch the night turn into morning. But i have habits and expectations which dull all that i want. 


And all remains but nothing.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Pain. .

She mistook it all from the very beginning.From the very start the lies were packaged in a sweetness which left no room for doubt.Every emotion he had shown or expressed had all been so fake.Now she realized what a deep grave she had dug for herself.Always thinking that whatever good he had said was for her or every mood or moment he described was for her to know.He had just made use of her nicely without letting her know so.It  all had been good when she had no attachment but when someone tells you something lovable don’t you grow a heart for them,well that is what happened to her.In the twilight she looked at the infinite sky with galore of twinkling stars and the moon,thinking about him.
The foolish she was she did not know what had she bargained her life for.The mistake had been done,she had committed her whole life to him.Giving every ounce of herself to him just so that she could see him happy.It dawned but pretty late that all was about him,is about him and will always be about him.
A picture she had seen with him,long desired in her heart  to be true.A hugging picture of a couple,how she wanted it to be her and him.She learned the truth of the picture which left her shattered beyond reconstruction.It was not her that he had in his mind while he looked at the picture but the other girl.Her heart she thought was being twisted and turned from inside as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.She did not know to whom she could turn to or how she could just ask him once.The night sky blurred and she despised the stars and the moon.
All the moments were so hurtful to remember,every word he had said was hard to hold on to.The trust was crumbling slowly.But she did not concentrate on that.Still she was thinking of how she could take away his pain while laying there inside the ruffled sheets besides him.Tangled together yet so detached.She had meant to ask him last night about what was eating him away.Now she knew what was it.That other girl was on her mind and the rest of the puzzle she did not want to assemble them.As scenes from the last night replayed in front of her eyes.....
---
He had been like an animal ravaging each inch and square of her body.She begged him to stop but all in vain.Tonight the pleasure had long surpassed and their she could feel all the pain throbbing throughout her body.As he awoke from the wild trance he realized what he had done to her.Rushing down from the bed in his naked glory he moved past the French doors and out.Tears streamed down her eyes, she was confused.She had known him for quite a long-time this is not how he is she thought.There must be something bothering him to draw him to such limitlessness.
Looking outside the misted glasses,she could make out the firm lining of his back bathed in the moonlight.Gathering strength she stood up slowly from her stupor .Tracing the way he had followed to go outside in the balcony.Enclosing her arms around him from the back,carefully resting her face on his shoulders.As the moist drops touched his back,he flinched.
Removing her arms from around him he turned back,cupping her face in his hands.She gazed at those long artistic fingers,as if all forgotten that had happened some moments ago. He moved her face to look at him.As she looked in his eyes,she could see them pleading  but for what she was clueless.And then she heard his soulful voice,softly nudging her insides as he said “how could you be still here comforting me?”
She gave her broken but yet serene smile bringing her one hand on his face and the other in his hair.After what seemed like eons she hushed “What is hurting you so bad?”
This one question had such an impact on him as he grabbed hold of her waist burying his face in the crook of her neck.Tiny sobs and sniffles accompanying a muffled voice.She held him tight with one hand and the other one caressing his hair.She was hurting physically but hearing him cry like this made her heart break even more.She desperately wanted to take that thing away which made him break so bad.
After quite a lot of time had passed he raised his head still holding her looking into her eyes with his bloodshot eyes.She ushered him inside the room .Lying down slowly on the bed she let him hold her,caressing him,kissing him all over his face and gently humming his favourite songs to him.His eyes were drooping as he held her face in them and finally surrendered to his sleep.Carefully cocooning him she closed her eyes as well,sleeping to have her answers in the morning.
*****


Friday, July 06, 2012

What comes with life?

Right from the beginning of my world there were things i din't understand and still don't.Earlier their was confinement.I didn't like to share my world with almost..well..anyone.I was alone,all was for me whatever i did i din't have to think about any second person.Restrictions had their own meanings and partly i accepted them because i felt secure in the restrictions almost from an invisible monster.Introvert as they call was what i liked to be.Many people knew me by name and sometimes actions but most of all they called me weird or crazy.They warned every other new girl around me before they got to know me that i was someone who was not to be interacted with.I din't mind cause i loved my privacy.At home their was no one either.I was scared of every little thing happening around me.Ghosts,nightmares,strangers and night was all frightening to me.And that was what was used for frightening me,to get me under control.The rooms used to crumble under the harsh noises from the fights in my family and i didn't have any say in that.I watched pain inflicted,submission and then again back to normal.It was almost a daily affair and seemed normal after around two-three years.
The very term socializing created a eerie picture in front of me and i avoided to step into the unknown world.I loved my own company though i don't know if i loved myself or not.
The incorrigible core of me was for no one.I started interacting people got to know me they stayed close,ditched and went away.It hurt a lot at first cause i had opened up and it was what made me dependent.I hated myself for being such a cry baby.Then i discovered a pattern through all the ditching and decided to bar entry even if what i had opened was a little part of me.I know most about a person but the person in front of me doesn't know me.Yeah they know what i do and what i don't but that is not what is me.I crashed myself,regained and molded myself back up to live.
Their is a facade on my face that is still hiding me.The timid,shy,innocent and good for nothing me.I am afraid yes i am to get hurt after being known for who i really am and left.
The derisiveness of life compels me then to shed tears that i so badly keep inside.Life given to me from whosoever it is believed to be the ultimate power has a emissary.But through it we have so much more to go through which is not planned by us but our actions that give away to them.
To put on a demure personality and walk forward in front of the world.Saying yes when they say yes and saying no when they say no is how the world works.It doesn't have place for the incompetent and helpless.Either you do as said or you can live on your own whims and wishes but with a beware that you don't get to be known to anyone and by stroke of luck only that you get something to live on and earn.
One fine day when i had decided to let someone come near me i saw all the unavoidable pictures weave in front of my eyes.I was yet to commit to anyone else rather than myself.They had assured me that they would be by my side to help me overcome my sorrows.They had failed miserably in that task.They had let my hopes down and made me damn dependent on them.Once more my world crumbled as i longed yet on the broken words said to me.The weight of  betrayal let loose on me and a feeling of being used shook through me.I was just but happy about the fact that they had not committed to me yet it shoot daggers in my heart cause i oh so badly wanted them to say to me that yes they commit to me.I fail to decipher what is life teaching me.I am yearning like a nincompoop.And i hate that i still surrender to their mellifluous talks and my anger vanishes at the very mention of them.An illusion curbing the mind.And i wish i had known and understood "the little you have to love the less you are attached to world"
Is life a play?
Yes it is and we are the actors/actresses as Shakespeare has long told us about life in his sonnet Seven ages of man.A circle,a vicious one is drawn around us as we experience life.
Moving in circles with the part and parcel life is offering to us.But we are the ones to choose and if we don't have a choice we got to make one to really live life.Freeing ourselves from the trap that life has lured us into.Step forth onto rainbow.
P.S.-It was written in first person but these are just the thoughts of the writer and not their own story.
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Friday, August 19, 2011

Rejected!

Rubbing her eyes she was looking for him besides her but he wasn't there.With the sudden need of him by her side she sat up fast to locate him.As she stared wide eyed at the end of the room she saw him standing with folded hands smiling at her.She got up and moved towards him,hugging him tightly.They bound each other in their embrace as if there won't be another for them together.She whispered in his ears softly 'I love you'.He smiled and kissed her on cheeks.


It was all the unnecessary thoughts that she was carrying with herself and they well showed their signs on her.Life had been so unfair to her or so she thought because when you have your own plight to attend you simply forget that their are many around you who might not be even this much privileged to harbor even a shelter for themselves.Endless mind-games that tricked her eyes to wet and rejections of all sorts on her initiatives taken up.She had tried hard to cope and forget the remarks and refresh so that she could make it work again but time and again she failed and she was unable to regain the strength to do the things all over again after some tries.Sitting with crossed legs on her big,empty bed she thought to herself that what is the reason for such failures?Is it that these things were not meant for her or there was something which snatched away her peace and made her impatient which she quiet obvious could not show to the person she meant it for.After a longtime she had decided that she came to be seen as a burden for others and worthless in any work she did.So she disconnected herself from the world which was not the way out really.She had to confront her fears and solve her problems.They say that people don't want to solve their problems even after they know the solution to it. But do they know that for applying that solution they might have to end the very existence of themselves.It killed her to live each day like that,she had thought of ending the life at it's present state but she didn't have enough courage of depressing some people who expected something worth to come out of her someday.She hurted herself time and again.Mentally as was very evident with her failures lined up and physically she chose all the ways to make her go numb and not have a single bit of emotion and feeling left in her.The fairy tale life,rich life,fantasy life,dream life...she wished that these were really possible in the realms of the world she lived in.Illusions had done a bit of relief in her life and she when drunk and lost in abruptness took to the illusions very quickly.Imagining things that weren't real and speaking to someone who didn't even exist in her life.If someone had seen her like that they might have concluded her as mad for sure.When her illusions broke apart and gave way to the unfair world to penetrate back into her mind she sobbed inconsolably and wished she could forever be dropped in those pits of illusions.
One of her works witnessed in the first paragraphs of this excerpt.She opened her eyes,stared into oblivion,inside her stomach she had the same sinking feeling.No one was present besides,she was still alone as she had been.Their was no one to console,no one to love her,no one to embrace her and no one to tell her that yes you can do it.She rushed to her washroom and puked.The last nights drinking had made her illusion to take shape.She splashed water on her face,her red eyes devoid of moisture and they could not cry anymore.She dropped with a thud on the floor and stared the floor as long as she didn't subside to the state she was in before witnessing the illusion of today morning.
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Monday, June 06, 2011

End to come..


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It's eating me up!
The pain inside left despised.
Mortality clutches to my skin tight.
Jealousy is turning dark,
love is far from reigning.
Immortal bliss is hard in find. 
The icy touch on neck,
the cold hands entwined.
I am waiting for my turn and right time..

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Baby ur my Drug..

Baby you are my drug;
and i am addicted to you.
Be the addiction always,
i wish there is no one to rehabilitate.
This feeling of elevation,
lingering on forever in notions.
It gets me happy for a moment,
next turns all grey.
It happens i feel because,
the after-effects are validate.
Elucidating each pore in me,
you clear me through so well.
The prolonged headache after that,
gives me the pleasure of pain;
of having to suffer,
and know it's a relation.
The stop of beats,
with the speedballs*.
Kicking me deep inside.
And i am addicted to you;
baby you are my drug.
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*"Speedballs" are a deadly combination of cocaine and heroin

Monday, November 08, 2010

Illusion or Love?

Illusion               
I come across the
Little grudges I may have
Lowered upon
Us in this relation.
Stark our passion becomes
Indiscreet without our knowledge.
Offering the present ,sheer
Numbness once and forever..


                                                     Love

Long and lingering feel of
Obscure attachment I
Visualize with you in
Every sphere i establish Us ..

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