Listen. .

I wish i could leave you my love

But my heart, is a mess.. 

And you keep making it messier. I want you to stop pushing me away from you, I don't say it in words. My tears tell you that all the time. But you don't listen and instead tell me that I don't listen to you. Do you pause to think why would I not listen to you? Is it my brain which has by default adapted the mechanism from your actions? Do you hear my tears? Do you understand them? Why don't you listen to them? Why don't you just do what they want you to? 

Push me a bit harder make me jump that cliff so that I don't stop at the edge and retrace my steps to just stop there. I may fly, I may dive or I may just vanish. Who knows? Maybe there is an ocean beneath the cliff or just air or just emptiness. 

The lights they reach to tease me at times when I feel I am going towards the haven and not the cliff but alas! It's a mirage. Mirages always break. 

Consider the dried lips an adieu to what could have been. Don't hold my hands the last time I leave, don't hug me Or kiss me. I will be lost in the oblivion and you will be blissfully ignorant. 

This is a modern fairy tale

No happy endings

No wind in our sails... 

Disappearing sanity..

The sanity disappearing through the crevices of intoxication. It was all but such a small matter but it seemed huge at that time.

Hurtful words coming out of mouth and dispair in forlorn eyes. It's going all good and it just takes a moment to ruin it all.

If there is no sadness then how will we get to know of joy.

Life is like water. Water is like love. Stand for too long and it will get dirty and unconsumable. Flowing here and there making new ways and following the old ones, it will taste new and refreshing.

The gravity of it all is not understandable in one go. But when you do realise, the harm done is too big to repair. Can you move on and consider other things? Can you function like everything is fine?

Maybe you can. To bury the hatchet and lock the doors of the memories. Countless unending nights, conversations, disappointments, deceit, tears, lies, longing, pain and other things that hurt.

What is it to forget?  What is it to forgive?
It's hard but my god it makes the being so light when done. It takes time. But then what doesn't?

Cultivating patience to hold onto self and empathizing with others.

It's harder to love than to hate. Would you give up on love to hate someone? Will you choose the easier path? 

लत्त

दिल की हिमाकत तो देखो, 

तुमसे सवाल करता है.. 

रात होती है तो, 

कैसे सिरहाने सर रख रोता है.. 

लाख समझाते हैं इसे, 

लत्त है छोड़ दे तुम्हे, 

ये कम्बख्त सुबह होते ही, 

फिर तुम्हारी राह देखता है.. 

Despair

There is a searing pain as if something is being ripped apart from the body. Its necessary at times to separate oneself from someone, just because you know being together will not make a difference.

It takes time, patience and a lot of pain but i think it eventually happens. You can let someone live in peace and howsoever they want to without burdening them with yourself.

Time and again you realise that how important it is to not put your hopes and wishes on someone else because they would rarely come true.

Magic and fairytales are only there for the books, real life is about longing and despair. 

Betrayed

There is a hollow I can feel it inside me. It has seeped deep inside my bones. I am grieving like I never have. There are no tears, you cant find a single trace of grief on me. It is inside of me secured and tight.

The loss that I had not been able to keep my words. It does not hurt that the words I said have lost their essence and no longer valid. It is heavier than that, I was sincere when I had said those words. But I have betrayed myself, gone back on sincerity.

I had cried once when I saw people change in front of me. They did not keep their words. One after another each of them left me like that, repeating the same pattern. The hurt was evident in me for sometime. With time healing does take place. I saw the hurt fade and the memory boxed into the farthest corner of my mind.

But today, I cannot cry. I am not able to. I have changed. How does one forgive themselves for betraying themselves?

I don’t know. The hollow has grown larger and I am loosing touch with the things that mattered once. The gap is so humongous that people are afraid to cross it to reach me.

What about me?

I don’t see where can I land even if I cross the gap. Where is my destination? Where am I suppose to land?

Its all blurry, empty and unending. The tunnels of my thoughts are spiraling out of control like the smoke that wafts away from the cigarette only to be invisible after sometime. You cannot trace the smoke, it has left you to puff more of them and mock you as you blow one after another wisps in hopes to follow it till the end. 

Fade away . .

I can see the projection of light,

coming through something hollow.

The chilly wind flows by ,

but i can't feel it chilling me.

As i flowed through our memories,time melted like a long-slim candle stick would.I stopped at a point..What was it? Why is it so hard to remember beyond it.My mind wears a dark shroud..I think it is black in color.No light passes out.
I try to focus on something else.I can see a smoky ghost in front of me.It is crawling on the floor,ceiling...walls...it is trying to say something to me."Sorry" I mutter,"i don't know what you are saying".If only i could understand..but how would i..no one ever understood me..I don't know how it comes..now that i think..i never even understood myself.What do i do...the smoke is vanishing fast from in and around the ghost.It wants me to save it.How do i do it? As i look around the room to find something to help it..him..her..i don't know..just help.My eyes fall on the mirror.I can see a flickering light but it won't last long..wait i see something more...A shriek echoes as though someone has ripped out a living beings heart and broken their soul in innumerable pieces.

It is me..the ghost is me..the shriek is mine..And i watch myself fade away..

Cause it is hurting..

It is a sudden urge arising inside you when you have not been given something. Something that the other person said you would be given but are not given and you have this ever growing fragile hope which grows strong with every passing second and after one fine moment you realize it was but said in the spur of the moment and you were stupid enough to believe it as a silent promise of there will be something more. Something more which the other person is not capable of giving to you.The stock to which has already been utilized and given to someone else.So there is no hope none at all for you.
And there is this  sudden urge to destroy everything around and within you. Every type of emotion clinging to you making you feel dizzy with the copious amount of dosage.Within is not a place easy to be reached so you focus on your surroundings for destrcution.

Removing everything good you liked or erasing things which you know deep down are so close to you. You just make them die cause you can’t bear to see them. You wait helplessly to let that urge and that awful feeling to subside. Sleep which was so easy some moments back becomes a hard task. Tossing and turning in bed and consoling yourself with stupid excuses and reasons. A step to destroy everything good and nice cause hope is a bad thing. It hurts you more than soothing. What is the point of expecting something which won’t ever happen? Submerging yourself in something whose future is already known to you to be painful? 
Seeking something from hollownes..you can dive inside a well which is fathoms deep and doesn't provide you with a ground to have a final fall.You will fly around in the darkness with a sight that is lost,will that is crumbled,efforts that are ruined and tears which are unshed.

And you murmur to yourself incessantly, waiting for the due sleep which would eventually come to you when it is already time to get up….to fall once again..

This black is making me think

painting my world and covering the colorful tints.

Pain. .

She mistook it all from the very beginning.From the very start the lies were packaged in a sweetness which left no room for doubt.Every emotion he had shown or expressed had all been so fake.Now she realized what a deep grave she had dug for herself.Always thinking that whatever good he had said was for her or every mood or moment he described was for her to know.He had just made use of her nicely without letting her know so.It  all had been good when she had no attachment but when someone tells you something lovable don’t you grow a heart for them,well that is what happened to her.In the twilight she looked at the infinite sky with galore of twinkling stars and the moon,thinking about him.
The foolish she was she did not know what had she bargained her life for.The mistake had been done,she had committed her whole life to him.Giving every ounce of herself to him just so that she could see him happy.It dawned but pretty late that all was about him,is about him and will always be about him.
A picture she had seen with him,long desired in her heart  to be true.A hugging picture of a couple,how she wanted it to be her and him.She learned the truth of the picture which left her shattered beyond reconstruction.It was not her that he had in his mind while he looked at the picture but the other girl.Her heart she thought was being twisted and turned from inside as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.She did not know to whom she could turn to or how she could just ask him once.The night sky blurred and she despised the stars and the moon.
All the moments were so hurtful to remember,every word he had said was hard to hold on to.The trust was crumbling slowly.But she did not concentrate on that.Still she was thinking of how she could take away his pain while laying there inside the ruffled sheets besides him.Tangled together yet so detached.She had meant to ask him last night about what was eating him away.Now she knew what was it.That other girl was on her mind and the rest of the puzzle she did not want to assemble them.As scenes from the last night replayed in front of her eyes.....

---

He had been like an animal ravaging each inch and square of her body.She begged him to stop but all in vain.Tonight the pleasure had long surpassed and their she could feel all the pain throbbing throughout her body.As he awoke from the wild trance he realized what he had done to her.Rushing down from the bed in his naked glory he moved past the French doors and out.Tears streamed down her eyes, she was confused.She had known him for quite a long-time this is not how he is she thought.There must be something bothering him to draw him to such limitlessness.
Looking outside the misted glasses,she could make out the firm lining of his back bathed in the moonlight.Gathering strength she stood up slowly from her stupor .Tracing the way he had followed to go outside in the balcony.Enclosing her arms around him from the back,carefully resting her face on his shoulders.As the moist drops touched his back,he flinched.
Removing her arms from around him he turned back,cupping her face in his hands.She gazed at those long artistic fingers,as if all forgotten that had happened some moments ago. He moved her face to look at him.As she looked in his eyes,she could see them pleading  but for what she was clueless.And then she heard his soulful voice,softly nudging her insides as he said “how could you be still here comforting me?”

She gave her broken but yet serene smile bringing her one hand on his face and the other in his hair.After what seemed like eons she hushed “What is hurting you so bad?”

This one question had such an impact on him as he grabbed hold of her waist burying his face in the crook of her neck.Tiny sobs and sniffles accompanying a muffled voice.She held him tight with one hand and the other one caressing his hair.She was hurting physically but hearing him cry like this made her heart break even more.She desperately wanted to take that thing away which made him break so bad.
After quite a lot of time had passed he raised his head still holding her looking into her eyes with his bloodshot eyes.She ushered him inside the room .Lying down slowly on the bed she let him hold her,caressing him,kissing him all over his face and gently humming his favourite songs to him.His eyes were drooping as he held her face in them and finally surrendered to his sleep.Carefully cocooning him she closed her eyes as well,sleeping to have her answers in the morning.

*****

Maybe..

Maybe I am just a passing phase

Maybe I am just a random for you

Maybe I don't deserve love

Maybe I am just your lover

Maybe I tried to reach you

Maybe I was meant to be unheard

Maybe I am left bereft

Maybe I just want to hold you

Maybe I just want to be held

Maybe I failed

Tonight i cease to nothingness as my heart shrivels and my skin shivers.The candle flames hungrily feeding on my sanity.I feel so alone now that you are going away or its just my silly heart,expecting and hurting a little more.The day has ended,night is tearing me apart and i bleed.I am waiting..have waited for you so long.I am trying to hold on really tight the crumbling m/e like the burnt paper whose ashes are flying away.I will linger a bit more,breathe for a while.Hoping against hope for your arrival.The revelations to dawn upon you,stretching my arms wide to embrace you i shall wait for you.....

Image Courtesy

Voice lost

I tried as much as i could,

and now there is no more.

I failed to have you.

I got rejected.

And I stand here today

stranded and alone

with my voice lost..

Image Courtesy

I am silenced

Shriveling with every breathe.

Shivering with every step.

Ramifications unfold my prophecies.

Its hard now to feel the self palpitating.

It grieves me to see, 

the life shrinking in them.

It hurts i say so, 

but all falls on deaf ears;

and parched heart which i was trying to resuscitate.

Couldn't they feel me holding?

Couldn't they see me struggling for them?

Couldn't they see i was drinking their pain?

Couldn't they see my claret burning?

I abandoned my trust on them.

I am silenced through and through.

And now they say i am unfair.

They will blame me, 

but can't they see 

that they sabotaged themselves!

Image Courtesy

If only

I decided i wont talk anymore.I picked up my broken heart and moved towards the exit that i thought was nearest.Coming out i couldn't breathe anymore.Snow flakes touched me softly everywhere,my bare skin tingling to the sensation.I loved him from every bit of my throbbing heart.I told him that but those were on deaf ears.He liked to torture with the diplomacy of not stating the truth.I had left without letting the words out to him "Goodbye" but that was not the way to end.I had left it hanging like he had me.I stumbled with the next step i took on the ice floor that was created almost out of nowhere.Before i could feel the numb ground he held or so i thought and i submerged deep.Sinking where i didn't know,all was dark around.My heart pained.Eyes moistened with the need oozing out of the silly heart.Opening my eyes i could see the crushed petals and i was in land unknown...but i still loved..if only and only just he could understand me....

I wish i never knew you

Image courtesy 

There is a ocean of pain submerging and layering inside me.
Every wound inflicted by you marked blue.

Scratched again and again by you till they bleed and get devoid.

If only i could go back in time and erase everything and

I wish I never knew you

Crack..

Lying down on numbness.

I can hear the throb still.

Pulsating in thy.

The moonlight's proliferating shine,

tricking my senses,

imagining pricks of snow-white flakes.

Arch-fiend unquestioning.

Resting his hunger on my lips.

Rough and dry through touches.

Pealing skin peeps out,

spouting fountains of crimson beads.

Unbound pain thrives to reach pleasure.

Hidden in the crevices of heart.

Flashing fiery desires that ignite,

sensational burst of chill.

You are covering me tight,

and secure so to warm.

The embrace smothering brilliantly.

Hurt just remaining a word.

Tears remaining frozen dew.

Do you care to mend the cracks?

-Alcina

In need of ME..!!(2)

It's a part two to one of my very old poem.. > In need of ME..!! 

Wavering in the wind,

teasing thyself.

Once again Ripping m/e

The game that was on, 

of shadows and stares.

Present one moment,

bygone the other right there.

Curling the words in mouth,

it couldn't produce to m/e.

Me consoled and caressed m/e.

M/e seemed numb and dead.

Me wouldn't give up till m/e resurrects,

through the ghastly whirlpool and currents.

Bloody battling of piercing words.

Loathed atmosphere that remained in past,

once again lingers upright and erect.

The growling need haunts again,

and me promise this time,

me shall put it to end.

The pain of m/e me engulf.

M/e let mocking shadows burn me to ashes.

Me ceases m/e screaming.

Shadow's hunger and passion sufficed.

My separated m/e joined again.

Me mingles to the healed M/e..!!

Shattering Escape..

Mystic voices in the mind,

ripping the whole body.

Flames rise up high in the fireplace;

with each drop of emotional rise.

Trickling sweat beads on the cheek.

Ricochets the inner trembling void.

Hearth cools down,

illuminated coal remains.

The wind blows the ashes around.

Engulfing clouds she gazes from her window.

She feels a moist touch,

streaming down her cheeks,

blazing pain full of bitterness.

It had dug down deep in her,

placing itself in the heart.

Scratching her soul to infinitesimal.

 

The dark clouds scatter away,the lupine looks above into the zenith.Zephyr drives the silently lieing leaves on the ground.The white moon glows and a howl is heard.She runs out of the backyard.Soft,moist soil touching the milky,white,porous skin.Like a china doll,she glazes shattering into the air majestically.Creating a wonderful hue such that of a rainbow.Her soul escapes,she stares blankly.It escapes in the infinity,she is left with nothing now.....

Ruined..

Kicked up with a hiccup,

she throws her boots to the side.

Opens up her hair;

which was tied high and tight.

She had been to a party,

it was crazy and she was afraid.

The Dj was playing a hip-hop.

She was trying to taste the wilderness.

A dude caught her by arms,

she was unable to free herself.

He touched her everywhere,

it was state of ecstasy for him.

After all it was a party, 

and they were just dancing.

On the floor the spotlights dimmed,

tears were trickling down her cheeks.

Hurting her throat was, 

to even say Excuse!

Her DJ was not to save her,

he was not around in the vicinity.

Image courtesy-Drunk

She got insane and picked up a bottle.

Emptying it down till the last drop.

It was her first time,she never got drunk.

She was burning from inside.

She smoked and drugged herself,

her world had been crumbled since then.

It is addictive and she has let it in.

It ruins bit by bit her soul.

And every night when city lights die down.

Kicked up with a hiccup,

she throws her boots to the side.

And walks bare foot like nothing happened.

Interrupted..

It was again a very hard night to pass for her.Each night she would try to sleep in these 11 days.But around middle of the night she used to be drenched in sweat and sat up bringing her knees close to her chest and holding them tight with both her hands clasped.He was not here these days.She didn't dream but she believed intuitions are strong enough of something not going to be good.

They had last met some 20 days ago.They rarely met but they used to talk with each other over the phone.He was not here,he had gone to his home where his mother,father and sibling resided.It was some celebration that they had of a festival she can't strike it up her mind.And she thought to herself what can it be?And how did i forget it?

She checked up her phone and saw the last number dialed, it was his.She read carefully 9-09-10 at 11:00pm.She switched it off and tried to sleep again.

It had been almost 11days that they didn't had a conversation,it was not intentionally but she didn't have any choice of contact rather.The next day she was strolling in the park in the evening and she thought of ringing him up,now that she had a choice of.She called him up and they had a brief conversation and she got to know that he had come back from his trip back to his place where he lived alone.

She came back home and then called him.She didn't knew what to say instead she chose to listen to him.He was going on telling about these 11 long days.She was thinking something else and not paying full attention to the thing being spoken.She then finally thought that she had to give it up before she was too late.She sighed and said in that very moment "Ah..there is something i want to say".

He replied " yes surely you can say it now".She was haunted by all the if's and but's but she had to overcome all to say it the last time or the first time and that she had to know now.Twirling up the wire around her fingers of the phone that she had called from..she said "I love you".

He was silent for a moment and replied something which was more of a reply to himself rather than her.She asked "what is your reply?" He started telling that what he felt about her and when did he need her and out of surprise the call was cut and the conversation was interrupted....

Baby ur my Drug..

Baby you are my drug;

and i am addicted to you.

Be the addiction always,

i wish there is no one to rehabilitate.

This feeling of elevation,

lingering on forever in notions.

It gets me happy for a moment,

next turns all grey.

It happens i feel because,

the after-effects are validate.

Elucidating each pore in me,

you clear me through so well.

The prolonged headache after that,

gives me the pleasure of pain;

of having to suffer,

and know it's a relation.

The stop of beats,

with the speedballs*.

Kicking me deep inside.

And i am addicted to you;

baby you are my drug.

*"Speedballs" are a deadly combination of cocaine and heroin

जष्न-ए-रंजिश का

रंजिशे पुरानी है हमारी मोहोब्बत से ,

दर्द दिए है हमेशा इस भ्रम ने |

हम पहचान सके थे उससे , 

फिर ये ऐसा रक्तिम लहू बहता है क्यूँ | 

स्फटिक था सब निगाहों के दर्पण में ,

फिर भी धोके में जी रहे थे |

सच सामने था हमारे ,

फिर भी इस बिचारे दिल को गम दे रहे थे| 

उस धोकेबाज़ी के खेल ने; उससे हरा दिया| 

जुदा हुए हमसे वो ,

फिर उन्हें मोहोब्बत का अघाज़ हो आया |

शीशे से चकनाचूर दिल ,

बटोरने चले वो हमारा |

उनकी बाँहों में पूरा होकर, 

दम हमने वहीँ तोड् दिया |