Foolish Me

I fooled myself from the beginning on this one. I knew I wasn't that lucky. I can't even understand why I allowed myself to be fooled so easily.

My first hpt was 16dpo. It was only a very faint positive. I made myself happy with a digital positive that afternoon, it even took the full 3 minutes to show up. Two days later I had another only slightly darker faint positive on another hpt. Two days later there was a definite positive, but again, it took it's time showing up. Three days later another digital positive, it took a minute or two to show up. That was 23dpo. Who was I kidding?

Now don't get me wrong. I did everything but beg my OB/Gyn to give me a beta. In fact, my fervent pleading could have been construed as begging in some opinions. But I was not as risk, so they would not do it. I'm getting my beta now, but it's only to prove that there is no longer a baby.

Wednesday night I started some light spotting, brown. I took the digital test in the morning to calm my nerves, but it did not. I knew somewhere in my heart where this was going. By Thursday night, it seemed to have stopped. I asked my husband if he saw a phantom symptom that I wanted to see, and he said he did. I went to sleep at peace. Friday morning I woke up and when I went to the bathroom, there was blood. That bright red scary type. I cried.

I got ready for work, while crying. I went to work for an hour. When my doctor's office opened, I called and left a message for my doctor. they called me back an hour later and said she wanted to see me. I asked when and they said, "Now". I cried.

I remember calling my Mom and telling her through heavy tears, "I don't want to lose my baby." but I knew I had/was.

I was in control while I was forced to sit in the waiting room with all of those beautiful round bellies. I was one of two flat-bellied women in there. I'm pretty sure the other one was in there for her first OB appt, though. Mine would have been Oct. 4.

They got me back to the nurse quickly once they realized I was there. They did another urine test. The nurses words were, "Where is it? Oh! Boy that's faint." I cried. She held my hand while she took my blood pressure. They allowed me to sit in an empty nurses station so I could cry in peace until it was my turn for an ultrasound.

My doctor stopped by for a second to make sure that I was OK. I asked her if the faint test results, indeed meant this was definitely a miscarriage. She said she was not, "encouraged". I appreciate her honesty. I cried.

The nurse performing my transvaginal ultrasound scanned my empty uterus, which I pointed out how empty it was. She explained that they were going to scan my ovaries, I pointed out to her that she was checking to make sure it wasn't ectopic. She said something along the lines of me being educated. Wish I didn't know so much right now.

I was escorted back to my little crying area. I cried some more.

They took me back to an exam room where I had to lay on a table for about 30 minutes until the doctor could get to me. At least they got me back, but at this point I was beginning to cramp more and was pretty uncomfortable laying there "undressed from the waist down".

My doctor came in and began the exam, but due to the increasing amount of bleeding, quit. She sent the nurse back in to draw some blood. I finally get the beta I all but begged for.

When the doctor came back in, she was very nice. She didn't pretend that there was a hope that I was still pregnant. She let me know that I would have to have more blood drawn next week to see how my numbers were (duh, i know what a beta is). She tried to explain to me that this is common. That it wouldn't make it easier, that of course this was emotional. That it doesn't mean that my body did anything wrong. That there was probably something wrong with the baby or the egg and sperm didn't meet properly, but that it happens when something isn't right. She tried to tell me all sorts of things, and I told her a few of those things before she could. I mentioned how I was afriad it wasn't going as it should when my hpts weren't darkening. She commented on my education. I told her my friend calls it a "Dr. Google Medical Degree". We both laughed.

I have to go back in on Friday to see her again. She wants to make sure I'm OK emotionally. She's nice.

So I told everyone. And everyone was really nice. My mom and sister both cried. My mom told my twin brother. He cried a lot. He just went through this two weeks ago with his wife. I feel badly that he hurts over this.

I called and told DH on my way home. He cried, too. Later that night, he looked over at me, with tears in his eyes, and asked me if it was his fault. (He'd already asked me this a couple of times). He wanted to know, this time, if it was because we had sex a couple of days earlier. I told him, no. It breaks my heart to see him upset about this. It breaks my heart that this happened at all.

He wants to begin trying again as soon as possible. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know if I can do this again.

God's baby was my baby for one week. Now it's God's baby again. But it was my baby for that one wonderful week. And I can't quit crying.